Story 649: Required Viewing

            (In a booth at a busy restaurant)

Pal 1: (Digging into a hamburger) Heh – remember when dinners like this used to be $10 instead of $30?

Pal 2: (Digging into a salad) I’m sure several generations ago remember when they were 10ȼ instead of $10.

Pal 1: Yeah, that’s true.  Still: I think it took longer for them to get to that point than it did for us to get to this point.  I mean, we should be the age they are now with these prices, instead of, you know, our actual age now.  I wanted at least another decade of decelerated inflation.

Pal 2: Well, you know: things happen.

Pal 1: They sure do.  (Adds a lot of ketchup to the fries on the side)

(The two eat in silence for a bit)

Pal 2: (After drinking the free water) Speaking of inflation, I’m glad there’s still bargain night at the movie theater, or at this rate I’d never go.

Pal 1: Yeah, I’m always working on those nights, so, oh well.

Pal 2: Ugh.

Pal 1: I still go, though, for something I really wanna see.  Like, I’m going to go see the ----------- movie Saturday morning, and that’ll be my movie for the year.

Pal 2: Oh cool, I’m actually going to see that this week, on the bargain night; it looks good.

Pal 1: It looks amazing.  I’ve been waiting years for it to come out, and now it finally is, and all I’ve gotta say is, they’d better not mess it up.  (Adds more ketchup in emphasis)

Pal 2: I’m sure it’ll be fine; it’s the same people who did the show, right?

Pal 1: (Stops mid-ketchup squeeze and narrows eyes suspiciously at Pal 2) Yeah…?

Pal 2: Yeah, so: there you go.  (Snags a crouton) Wonder what the plot’s gonna be?  I’ve noticed the trailers’ve been a bit hush-hush about the whole thing.

Pal 1: (Gently sets down the ketchup bottle) Are you telling me, that you’re going to see the ----------- movie, and you’ve never actually seen the ----------- show?!

Pal 2: Why, am I supposed to?

Pal 1: (Sits back against the booth, flabbergasted) I don’t believe what I’m hearing!  The show’s been around for 10 seasons, and you’ve never come across a single episode, even by accident?!

Pal 2: (Shrugs) Just never got around to it.

Pal 1: And now you want to watch an entire movie about it?!

Pal 2: Well, yeah, I figured they’d want as big an audience as possible so they’ll not have much insider information stuff so as to appeal to viewers like me.

Pal 1: Ha!  You have no idea what you’re getting into!

(Pal 3 slides into the booth next to Pal 1)

Pal 3: Hey, sorry I’m late, glad you started without me – what’d I miss?

Pal 1: (Points to Pal 2 while the latter is in mid-bite) This one here’s going to see the ------------ movie without having seen the ------------ show!  At!  All!

Pal 3: (To Pal 2) Nah, you can’t do that – you have no idea what you’re getting into.

Pal 1: That’s what I said!

Pal 2: (Finishing the bite) Oh come on, it can’t be that hard to figure out – I’ll read a synopsis or something.

Pal 1: A mere synopsis isn’t going to cut it!  You need to experience it FROM THE VERY BEGINNING to even have the remotest chance of comprehending all the lore!

Pal 2: “The lore”?

Pal 1: Exactly!  The show’s universe, all its characters, their backstories, their motivations, their feelings, how they’re all related to each other, the individual adventures that could’ve filled 20 lifetimes – everything!

Pal 3: (Nodding in agreement) Lore is key.

Pal 2: I don’t know, it sounds like it’ll take a lot of time –

Pal 1: Well then, make the time!  The rest of us didn’t spend years of loyal viewing and show supporting and fanfiction writing just for someone like you to breeze on in and casually “watch the movie” like it’s some superhero flick!

Pal 3: Superhero flicks have a lot of lore, too.

Pal 1: I stand corrected.

(Server appears at their table)

Server: (To Pal 3) Hi, ready to order?

Pal 3: Hi, yeah, sorry to be so late, so I’ll just have the medium rare steak special with fries and string beans and house dressing for the salad with a glass of soda and then the brownie ice cream sundae for dessert, please.

Server: (Writing frantically) `K, coming right up.  (Leaves while still writing)

Pal 3: I love eating here.

Pal 1: Yeah, great, so do we; as I was saying: the lore!

Pal 2: Enough with the lore!  Fine, I’ll try to cram in watching the entire show before I see the movie, happy?

Pal 1: Only if you see all 120 episodes beforehand.

Pal 2: What?!

Pal 3: (Nudges Pal 1) Don’t forget the prequel series.

Pal 1: Oh, right, I did forget, how could I?

Pal 2: The prequel what?!

Pal 3: Series.  Got released about halfway through the man series, but you have to watch both of them in the order they aired or else stuff that happens later won’t make any sense.

Pal 1: When did that come out, after Season 4?

Pal 3: Season 5.  But it really should’ve come out after Season 4, in my opinion. (To Pal 2) You’ll get it when you reach that episode – it’s pivotal.

Pal 2: (Has been typing notes into a phone) OK, so, after Season 5 of ---------, watch – (Looks back up at Pal 1 and Pal 3) wait, what’s this other show called?

Pa1 1 and Pal 3: ---- -- ----- ----.

Pal 2: (Typing) Oh… kay… and how many seasons is that?

Pal 1: Only three.

Pal 2: (Typing) OK….

Pal 3: Twenty-five episodes each season.

Pal 1: Both shows.

Pal 2: (Pauses typing) Oh.  How long are the episodes in each show, an hour?

Pal 3: Oh no: 20-ish minutes, tops.

Pal 2: (Starts typing again) Good, much more doable.

Pal 1: But, if you have the streaming package with commercials, that bumps them up to half an hour.

Pal 3: Yeah, those add up.  And there were the inter-season specials, those were about 45 minutes, right?

Pal 1: Maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half.

Pal 3: No more than two hours, tops.

Pal 2: (Finishes typing) OK, got it: two shows, average of half-hour episodes, combination of 13 seasons with 25 episodes each season, plus specials, so if I watch nothing else every night for three hours a night starting now, I should finish everything while the movie’s still in the theaters.

Pal 3: (Taking beverage glass and several plates from Server) Thank – you!  (Turns to Pal 2 as Server leaves) And don’t forget the tie-in anime.

Pal 2: (Drops the phone onto the table) The WHAT?!

Pal 1: Eh, I really don’t think that’s necessary.

Pal 3: (Starting on the cornbread) Oh really?  You think the Blue Cloud Redemption Arc that directly impacts Season 7 of ----------- and Season 3 of ---- -- ------ ---- isn’t necessary?  OK.

Pal 1: Wow.  I can’t believe I forgot about that, too.

Pal 3: Maybe you’re the one who should be watching these shows now.

Pal 2: (Sighs and picks up the phone to start typing notes again) You know, for something that’s supposed to be entertaining and relaxing and fun, this feels suspiciously like homework.

Pal 1: Well, we never really leave school behind, do we. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(At the same restaurant, Pal 1, Pal 2, and Pal 3 meet up for dinner again in another booth)

Pal 1: (While sliding into the booth; to Pal 2) So!  Did you watch all the shows we told you to before seeing the ------------ movie?

Pal 2: (With bags under eyes and clenched jaw) Yes.

Pal 1: …And?

Pal 2: And it was exactly what I said it would be!  Instead of hundreds of episodes and months of my life, I could have watched absolutely nothing of anything remotely related to the franchise and I still would’ve been able to follow the plot!  In fact, watching all that other stuff made me disappointed that hardly any of it was mentioned in the movie!

Pal 3: (Ripping apart a dinner roll from a basket on the table) Got a point there.

Pal 1: But – but – the lore!

Pal 2: If I hear that word one more time, I will never want to sit through another show ever again.

Pal 3: So, in spite of all that: did you enjoy the movie?

Pal 2: Eh – I thought the shows were better.

Story 622: Valentine’s Day “Gift”

            (In a living room, Spouse 1 is sitting in an armchair reading a book when Spouse 2 enters)

Spouse 2: Hey – do we have plans for Valentine’s Day yet?

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book to stare at Spouse 2) Well, yes: since it’s on a Saturday this year but you still wanted to go out to dinner with every other couple in the world that night, I made a restaurant reservation six months ago.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: That’s great, thanks, BUT I have another idea for our gift to each other this year.

Spouse 1: (Lowers the book again) Oh?

Spouse 2: Yeah: I’ve been thinking –

Spouse 1: Mm-hm?

Spouse 2: – and you know how my music career’s kind of stalled lately, and the songs just aren’t coming to me and the muse has been failing to show up and all that, so I think the best thing for both of us this year is that we break up.

Spouse 1: (Inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Preferably on Valentine’s Day, for maximum impact.

Spouse 1: (Still inflectionless) …What.

Spouse 2: Yeah, I really think this is the only path for my music right now: everyone knows that the best songs are about how you’re so in love with someone but they have no idea, or they’re already with someone else, or they did you wrong, or it was all perfect and they still broke your heart because they were bored or something, or they went off with your best friend which is basically a double betrayal, or you can’t stand each other anymore but you’re both stuck where you are out of habit, or you’re eternally devoted but the other person just can’t stick around because they’re free like the wind or off like a bird or whatever, and bottom line is, those are the songs that everyone sings along with and cries their hearts out to and plays at weddings and pays lots and lots of money for and are remembered centuries after the songwriters are gone, so the only way I’m going to be able write any of that stuff is if I myself am suffering from the pangs of unjust heartbreak or heartbreak that really is my own fault and can only find solace by pouring out my soul and emotional pain through strings, percussion, woodwinds, brass, and vocal cords.

Spouse 1: ....

Spouse 2: So, in case I wasn’t completely clear back there, it’s best if you break up with me in this scenario.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Doing that on Valentine’s Day would be ideal, but you can wait until my birthday if you need more time to prepare the script – I’ll use some of it for the lyrics.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Ooh, completely forgot to mention that you’ll get half the royalties in perpetuity – you being the new muse for this award-winning anguish album and all.  And that’ll be my gift to you this year.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: Want to practice some inspiration on me now, something like “I finally remembered that I never loved you!” or “I like awake every night wondering ‘Why?’” or “The grass is certainly looking a lot greener with every passing day,” or “You never help set the table!”?  I’m really trying to work on that last one, though, so maybe ignore it for now.  We can workshop all this later, if you want.

Spouse 1: ….

Spouse 2: ….

Spouse 1: I made the reservation for 6:30 so we can be home by 9.  (Raises the book to start reading again)

Spouse 2: Aw, hon, you’re the best!

Story 452: Living in a Tourist Town

A summer morning in a city that never sleeps: the constant traffic that had lessened a bit in the past few hours starts ramping it up from “steady” to “bumper-to-bumper”; stores that were closed only to reset after the business day have opened with the rising sun, lines of customers already circling around the block; the beaches have not a grain of sand uncovered by blankets and chairs; all the tours are in full-swing; and the birds sing the anxiety of the day.

A shift worker driving during through the city mid-morning stops over 50 times in a three-mile commute to avoid hitting cyclists swerving out of the bike lane and pedestrians crossing streets just everywhere.

Worker: (Stopped in the middle of the busy avenue as a whole group of babies cross against the light on their way to the beach) Let’s move to the shore – it’ll be sooooooo relaxing – you can avoid the main road during the summer – not if work is on the main road, now can I?!  (Leans out the driver’s side window) No, no trouble at all, I’ve got nowhere to be in a hurry, you enjoy the easy life you so richly deserve!

Tourist: (To self, while crossing the street) This is my one week off a year….

A refurbished trolley turns onto the avenue at half speed in front of Worker’s car.

Tour Guide 1: (Voice blasting through the trolley’s speakers) And coming up on our left is a house-turned-hostel considered to be the most haunted building in all of –

Worker: (Blares the car horn and leans out the window again) The original building burned down 15 years ago and the ghosts are just the defective central air ductwork!

Tour Guide 1: (Leans out the left front trolley window, still holding the microphone and speaking in a low, deadly voice) Shame on you.

Worker: (Blares the car horn longer) MOVE IT!!!

The trolley, filled with the sounds of children crying, eventually turns down a side street.  Thirty minutes later, Worker finds an opening in the traffic to make a hasty left turn into the seafood restaurant’s parking lot and snags the last spot in the back.

Worker: (Exits the car, stares at the calm exterior of the restaurant belying the chaos within, and then turns to the nearby dock where the day’s specials still are being hauled in) You know, I’ve really gotten to hate fish.

At a nearby park, several adults sit on benches watching their children in the playground.

Adult 1: I actually have a dentist’s appointment later today.

Adult 2: Really?  Your doctor stuck around for August?

Adult 1: Yeah, basically riding it out till retirement.  I can’t walk from my house and expect to get there before tomorrow though, so I gotta leave here in a few minutes if I want to make it on time.

Adult 2: What time’s the appointment?

Adult 1: 3:00.

Adult 2: (Checks watch and sees that it is almost 11 a.m.) Might just about make it.

A charter bus turns into the parking lot and the passengers disembark in groups of 10.

Tour Guide 2: (Speaking through a megaphone) And this little oasis of tranquility is one of the best-kept secrets of –

Adult 1: (Gasps in horror, then quickly gathers belongings as Adult 2 does the same) Playtime’s over, kids – they found the park!

The adults and children run screaming back to their cars and re-enter the collective traffic jam.

At a beach entrance, the badge checker seated in a chair fights the intense sunshine with an umbrella and the intense boredom with a book as a beachgoer approaches with minimal gear.

Beachgoer: Howdy!  (Shows a badge)

Badge Checker: (Stares at it closely) I don’t understand – this is a resident badge.

Beachgoer: Yes indeedy!  Moved here this past winter and been looking forward to finally going to the wonderful beach my taxes are paying for!  (Takes in the brief snippets of ocean between umbrellas and bodies, and sighs) This’ll be great!

Badge Checker: Well, have fun!

Beachgoer: Thanks – stay cool!  (Sets off at a brisk trot across the hot sand)

Badge Checker: (Watches as Beachgoer struggles to find a patch of sand to stake a claim) Poor naïve newb – you’ll learn.  (Sees a horde of badgeless bathers approaching) Ergh – no one for ages, then they all come at once.

In a school, students attending summer session work on their projects when a car full of post-adolescents drives by with loud music blaring.

Driver and Passengers: (All wearing swimsuits and leaning out the car windows to yell at the school) SUCKERS!!!  AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Student: (Raises hand) Teacher?  Must The Tourists always declare that as they pass our academic institution?

Teacher: Forgive them, children, for one day you too may be The Tourists yourselves.

Students: (In understanding) Ohhhh….

They resume their work as Teacher stares wistfully out the window.

Teacher: As I myself was, long, long ago….

That night, one of the 200 ice cream parlors in the city has a never-ending line as the college-student employees struggle to keep up.

Employee: (Mutters while walking from the cash register back to the front counter and seeing the formless crowd that awaits) We really need a ticket system like a supermarket deli counter – (Louder) Next?!

Customer: Ooh, me!  (Looks intensely at the cases holding the different ice cream flavors) Ummm, let me think….

Employee: You’ve been on line for at least 10 minutes and there are several signs listing the choices on the way in.

Customer: I know, but I need to see them for myself… ummm… OK, could I have the peanut butter chocolate, please?

Employee: (Stifles a scream) That’s the carton that’s empty.

Customer: Oh, sorry!  None in the back, then?

Employee: It wouldn’t have stayed there long.

Customer: Gotcha.  (Starts looking at the flavors again) Ummmm….

Employee: (Looks up at the front door and sees the line outside has tripled) The one with peanut butter cups is similar if you want something like that.

Customer: (Finds that in the case) Um, nah, I’d want more chocolate ice cream, this one’s vanilla.  Ummmm....

Employee: (Sees the line has quadrupled) Would you like a few more minutes and I’ll serve you after the next – ?

Customer: Oooh, I got it!  Plain chocolate, please.

Employee: …Cone or cup?

Customer: Ummmm… which do you recommend?

Employee: Neither: we’re not allowed to influence customers’ decisions.

Customer: Oh, ummmm, cup then, please.

Employee: Small, medium, or large?

Customer: Definitely large – go all out when you’re on vacation, am-I-right?

Employee: Yeah.  (Creates the order and rings it up at the register; Customer adds a tip to the jar before Employee hands over the cup) Thank you – enjoy.

Customer: (Starting on the ice cream) Oh I will.  It must be hard working here, surrounded by all this yummy, yummy ice cream, so tempting!

Employee: (Stares out at the quintupled line of customers crowding the front door) Not especially, no.

In a supermarket, a shopper arrives with a full cart at the front register.

Cashier: (While ringing up the items) Oh, hi!  I haven’t seen you in a while, but I only just got switched back to nights recently.

Shopper: That’s a bummer.

Cashier: It’s OK, I requested it – summer daytime hours were getting to be too much with all the you-know-whos all over the place here; it’s actually rather peaceful working late nights while they’re off seafood-dinnering and ice-cream-sundaeing and miniature-golfing and bar-hopping and after-hours-pool-trespassing and after-hours-beach-trespassing and – yeah.

Shopper: Don’t I know it; why do you think I always shop here after 9 at night?

Cashier: Smart.  Dodge the crowds and no waiting on lines, either.

Shopper: Darn tootin’.

As the full moon shines down on the gatherings for movies-on-the-beach, diner cruises, casual strollers, cyclists out for one last thrill, and overtired children vainly struggling against the dreaded bedtime, the shift worker drives home from the restaurant covered in food detritus.

Worker: (Crawling through stop-and-go traffic on the main avenue) When am I gonna find time to vacuum the house now that I’ve got a double-shift tomorrow?  When’s my vacation from this vacation town?  I think I’ll book a getaway to the Pine Barrens.  (Stops as the traffic light changes again, balefully watches the crowd continuously surging toward the beach promenade, then looks up and sees the moon shining brightly over the soothing ocean waves) Ahhhhh…. It’s a view like this that makes it all worth it.  (A party parade suddenly appears in the middle of the street, club music blares from everywhere, and revelers dance around the cars that are now at a standstill.  Worker’s eyes glaze over while taking in the scene) And then, something like this happens.

Story 446: Best Father’s Day EVER!

 (In a living room, Dad is reading a newspaper)

Dad: (Chuckling at the comics section) So corny, but still tickles my funny bone.  (Phone rings; Dad glances at the caller ID, smiles, and answers) Hey kiddo, what’s up?

Adult Child 1: So, the gang and I were talking –

Dad: Uh-oh.

Adult Child 1: No, it’s all good: we were talking about Father’s Day coming up and we decided this year we want to give you the Best Father’s Day EVER.  That last bit was in all caps, by the way.

Dad: Aw, honey, you know every year is the best Father’s Day.

Adult Child 1: You’re legally obligated to say that the moment you produce offspring!

Dad: …What?

Adult Child 1: Thanks for being sweet and all, but how many buffet brunches and backyard barbecues and banal bacchanalias can you suffer through before standing up and shouting “Enough is enough!”?

Dad: But I like all those things.

Adult Child 1: I’ll permit you to maintain the illusion; meanwhile, the gang and I purchased tickets for us all to go that day to Super Adventure Thrill-Ride Land, yay!

Dad: Oh!  Wow.  Thank you, that’s very nice of you all!

Adult Child 1: And it includes meals and any souvenirs you want; this covers your birthday too just so you know; we’ll pick you up at 8 a.m.; see you then; byeeeee!!!  (Ends the call)

Dad: (Places the phone back on the charger and stares out the window, gnawing on lip) Kinda wanted to watch the game that day.

 FATHER’S DAY

(Adult Child 1 pulls up the driveway of Dad’s house at 8 a.m. sharp, tooting the horn; Adult Children 2-3 are leaning out the car windows, waving wildly at Dad who was waiting by the front door)

Adult Children 1-3: HAPPY FATHER’S DAYYYYY!!!!  (Horn beep-beep-beeeeeps)

Dad: (Waves back at them, smiling broadly while muttering) Neighbors are gonna love me at this hour on a Sunday morning.  (Enters the passenger side and sits) Hey kiddos, thank you so much!

Adult Children 1-3: (Spinning noisemakers) Woooo-hoooo!

Adult Child 1: (While backing the car out of the driveway and embarking on the journey) Now, I checked the traffic and it’ll be bumper-to-bumper all the way there, so we should arrive just when the park opens at 10.

Dad: (As the car turns onto the highway and begins crawling to the jam-packed parkway) You timed it perfectly.

 TWO HOURS LATER

Adult Child 1: (Maneuvering the car through the tightly filled parking lot) All right everyone, keep your eyes peeled for a spot!

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

Adult Child 1: Sweet.  (Signals to turn, then shuts that off and keeps driving) Nope – no, there’s a compact car in there already.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  (Points again) There’s one!

Adult Child 3: Motorcycle.

Dad: (Points) There’re plenty of spots over there.

Adult Child 1: But those’re alllll the way at the back of the lot!  You’ll be exhausted by the time we reach the main entrance!

Dad: I’m exhausted just sitting here for two hours, so the five-mile walk’ll be a nice change.

Adult Child 2: (Points) Oooh, there’s one!

Adult Child 1: That’s a pedestrian crossing!

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Knew it’d be too good to be true.

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The car is parked in the last row and they all disembark)

Adult Child 1: Right: after many fake-outs, we finally found this charming slot that dear old Dad pointed out ages ago; I acknowledge it, and in hindsight should have dropped you all off closer to the front and caught up with you later; “I told you so”s are thereby nullified; let’s roll!  (Starts running to the main entrance)

Dad: Uh, honey?

Adult Child 1: (Stops and runs back) Yes, Father?

Dad: Father needs a slower pace.

Adult Child 3: So do the rest of us.

Adult Child 2: Yeah, we’ve been sitting in a cramped space for that long and my legs are just now getting feeling restored to them.

Adult Child 1: Acknowledged – don’t let this hiccup dampen your energy level, though!

Adult Child 2: Woo-hoo!

Adult Child 3: Yippee!

Adult Children 1-3: (Grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward) Wheeee!!!!

Dad: <Gulp>

 30 MINUTES LATER

(On the mile-long line at the main entrance)

Adult Child 1: I don’t believe this!

Dad: What, that there’s a line?  The curse of an overpopulated species, I’m afraid.

Adult Child 1: No, I can’t believe that the line for those of us with pre-paid tickets is longer than the line for unprepared people who are paying now!

Dad: (Looks at both lines and shrugs) One of the great mysteries of life.

 50 MINUTES LATER

(The family emerges into the park proper)

Adult Children 1-3: (Arms raised in triumph) WOOOOO-HOOOOO!!!!!

Adult Child 1: We made it, at last!  (Turns to Dad) So!  What would you like to do first?

Dad: Bathroom.

Adult Child 1: Yeah, me too.  (All four run to stand on lines at the nearest bathrooms)

 20 MINUTES LATER

(The group regroups)

Adult Child 1: So!  What ride should we do first?  (Blank stares in response) All right, let me try this one instead: who’s got the map?

Adult Child 2: Uhhhh….

Adult Child 3: Uhhhh….

Dad: I saw while we were waiting out front that it’s all digital now and you can scan a QR code somewhere.

Adult Child 1: I can’t believe I missed that!

Dad: Understandable: last time we were here was in the 90s.

Adult Child 2: Ah, the 90s.

Dad: Yeah, and Mom was the one who took care of the logistics.

Adult Child 3: Ah, good old Mom.

(They all take off their caps and bow their heads for a moment, then put them back on)

Adult Child 1: All right, I’ll just scan a code then, ummm…. (Looks around a bit) Where is it?

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s one!

(They run to a decorated column)

Adult Child 1: Nope, it’s a menu for this restaurant.

Adult Child 2: (Points) There’s another one!

(They run to another decorated column)

Adult Child 1: It’s the entertainment schedule for the day!  (Is tapped on the shoulder by Dad) Where did you get that?!

Dad: (Holding a laminated park map) They had some leftover at the information desk – wanna get lunch first?

Adult Child 1: But we’re missing out on maximum ride utilization!

Dad: The employee there told me wait times are at least half an hour, and I want my buffet brunch.

Adult Child 1: But of course.  (Takes the map and studies it intensely, tracing a finger over it) So, would you like burgers, or… pizza, or… burgers, or….

Dad: (Points to a spot on the map) I would like to go there, please: it’s towards the back of the place so it’s probably not too crowded and it’ll have pretty much the same food as any of the ones around here.

Adult Child 1: (Hands back the map decisively) Sure thing – let’s go!

(Adult Children 1-3 grab Dad by the arms and all four trot forward)

(At buffet brunch, the group enjoys their burgers and pizza)

Adult Child 1: So, you think we should wait a bit before going on a ride since we’re all stuffed?

Dad: (Slurps a soda and shakes head) Probably can go straight to it – the line wait’ll take care of the rest.

Adult Child 1: True.

(A random child in the restaurant has a meltdown and is escorted out by the parents)

Adult Child 2: Awwww, remember when we were like that?

Dad: Vividly: your mother and I didn’t have a true family meal out together for years because one of us always had to take at least one of you outside until the tears stopped.

Adult Child 2: Oh.  Sorry about that.

Dad: Don’t be; it comes with the territory.  Looking back on it, the whole thing seems kinda funny now.

 30 MINUTES LATER

(The group waits on line for a roller coaster)

Adult Child 1: You think we can take turns making bathroom runs while the others keep our place in line?

Dad: I thought you’d never ask.  (Zips to the nearest bathroom line)

Fellow Line Waiter: Hey, no fair!

Adult Child 1: Like you’ve never done it or wish you had!

Fellow Line Waiter: Yeah, all right.

(On the ride, the group is divided into two cars)

Dad: (With Adult Child 1 as they are buckled in by ride attendants) You know, I think it’s been literally decades since I’ve been on one of these things – I’m actually a little nervous.

Adult Child 1: Ah, I wouldn’t; these things are so tame they’re – (Is cut off as the ride accelerates to 100 mph in four seconds and they spend the next two minutes screaming)

(The four stumble off the ride with shaky legs)

Adult Child 2: That was great!  Wanna go on the one that’ll take us upside-down underground and underwater?

Dad: You can if you like – I’m going to the carousel.

Adult Child 1: Right behind you.

Adult Child 2: Isn’t that one more for kids?

Dad: Unless there’s a height or weight requirement, in this place we’re all kids here.

Adult Child 3: Wish my metabolism knew that.

(After a shorter wait in line, the four of them ride artificial animals on the carousel)

Dad: (Gently bobbing up and down on a “horse”) Ahhhh…. (Turns to Adult Child 1 on a “shark”) The premise is so simple, yet the joys are endless.

Adult Child 1: (Staring out in to space) Isn’t that the truth.

 HOURS LATER

(The four begin their trek back to the car as the sun sets; they snack on cotton candy, ice cream, funnel cake, and lemon ice)

Adult Child 1: So bad, and yet so good.

Dad: Such is life.  I’ll probably regret this tomorrow, but right now it’s bliss.

Adult Child 2: So Dad, was this the Best Father’s Day EVER?

Dad: (Chuckles) It’s certainly one of the more memorable ones, but every year is the best, kiddo.

Adult Child 1: Told you he’d say that.

Adult Child 3: So how’re we gonna top this next year?  Get here at 7:30 instead?

Dad: I have an idea for next year.

Adult Children 1-3: Yes?

Dad: You all come over to my place and we hang out at the pool all day long.

Adult Child 1: But we can do that anytime!

Dad: Yes, but since it’d be Father’s Day, you three will be doing the cooking.

Story 350: The World Won’t End If….

          (Friend 1 sits at an office desk, surrounded by piles of paper and files holding more paper; Coworker approaches the desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

            Friend 1: No!  What is it?!

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a new pile of paper onto the one empty spot on the desk and leaves)

         Friend 1: (Yelling at Coworker’s retreating back) They need to let me know which ASAP project they want done first!  (Turns back to the piles and starts to sink forward onto the nearest one when the cell phone rings; answers) Hi, I could use a two-second break, what’s up?

            Friend 2: I need to cancel for tonight: my niece’s birthday dinner got moved to today.  Can we meet up later this week?

            Friend 1: (Starts moving piles from one place to another and intermingling them) Yeah – sure – that’s fine – I’m free whenever – just let me know –

            Friend 2: Is work bad today?

          Friend 1: “Bad” and “today” don’t begin to describe it.  Have you ever been slowly buried alive by flat pieces of dead trees?

            Friend 2: I used to be, but I thought we were in the digital age now.

          Friend 1: That’s the great lie.  But it wouldn’t matter anyway: the projects behind them all remain, and I have to complete every last one of them simultaneously two months ago.

            Friend 2: Ouch.  Well, do the best you can.

           Friend 1: Ha!  “Best” took a back seat to “barely passable” years ago; I’m surprised I haven’t been fired by now.

            Friend 2: You probably won’t be – you’re the only one left in your department.

            Friend 1: I suppose.

          Friend 2: Trust me: short of murder, there’s really nothing you could do that would get you fired at this point, if only for the fact that they’d have no idea how to train the next person since the only one who knew how to do anything there was you.  So really, the world won’t end if you don’t finish a project or two or 10 in the time they said they wanted it.

            Friend 1: I don’t understand.

            Friend 2: Well you understand “don’t,” so you do!

            Friend 1: What?

           Friend 2: Just do what you can, and whatever you don’t do now will get done eventually, and the world won’t end if it doesn’t.

            Friend 1: It won’t?

           Friend 2: …Yes.  We’ll all still be here and the Earth will continue rotating around the Sun as it has been for quite some time.  And now I’ve gotta go – bye!  (Disconnects the call)

            Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the piles) The world won’t end, eh?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Coworker approaches Friend 1’s desk)

            Coworker: Hey – got a minute?

          Friend 1: (Wearing summer casual clothes, sitting on a beach chair, and listening to ocean waves on a stereo) I have all the minutes.  What’s up?

           Coworker: Higher-ups want this project done ASAP.  (Drops a pile of paper onto the empty desk) Hey – you got all that other stuff done?

            Friend 1: Nope.  (Sips lemonade and props sandaled feet onto the desk) They will be attended to, all in good time – as will this latest monstrosity.  (Points to the pile with one sandaled foot)

         Coworker: Oh.  Need any help?  Not that I can give you any – I’m just trying to be superficially nice.

           Friend 1: (Slurps the rest of the drink) Nope again!  I’ll get to it when I get to it: the world won’t end if I don’t finish it in five seconds, or if a deadline’s missed, or the company loses money, or we fail an inspection, or –

            Coworker: Oh wow, you’re really reached that point, huh?  I’m jealous.  (Leaves)

          Friend 1: (Opens a cabinet drawer and dumps the new pile of paper into it, then pulls out a different pile to work on, slowly and steadily) It only took me 20 years to reach it….

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 sorts through mail at home)

           Friend 1: Ah yes, this bill’s right on time.  (Opens the envelope and winces) Bit higher this month.  Due when?... Hm, usually get a few weeks’ leeway, right?  The world won’t end if I don’t pay it exactly by the due date, right?

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 and Friend 2 are having dinner in a restaurant)

           Friend 2: So they understood why I didn’t have my gift for her that night since they’re the ones who moved the party, but I still felt bad showing up empty-handed, you know?

            Friend 1: (Sampling from three plates of entrees and five different drinks) Why?  World didn’t end, right?

            Friend 2: (Stares at the array of plates and glasses on the table) I think you took my advice the other day a little too much to heart.

         Friend 1: (Mouth full of French fries) Au contraire!  I didn’t take them to heart enough!  (Shouts over shoulder) Garçon!  Bring on the dessert tray!

            Server: (Speedily wheels over a sampler platter) You actually get two free ones –

            Friend 1: Splendid!  I’ll take them all!  (Server speedily wheels away) To go!  (To Friend 2) I have some self-control.

            Friend 2: Yes, I can see that.

THE NEXT DAY

            (Friend 1 walks along the beach and steps on a broken shell)

           Friend 1: Ouchie!  (Picks shell out of foot) Son of a – (Stops) No: this is not a disaster, the world won’t end if I just keep on walking and pretend this never happened.  (Tosses the shell into the waves and slightly limps onward)

           Beachgoer: (Runs to Friend 1 and holds out a sealed antiseptic wipe) Here – I’m a dad, and you don’t want to let that sit for too long, trust me.

          Friend 1: I appreciate the gesture, but the world won’t end if I let Nature cleanse my momentary interruption.

            Beachgoer: I guess, but you might be in it with one less foot.

            Friend 1: …Point taken.  (Accepts the wipe)

THE NEXT DAY

          Friend 1: (Working through a pile of paper while on the office phone) I hear your concern, but the world won’t end if this doesn’t get done by today, am-I-right?... Yes, that certainly does put everything into perspective, doesn’t it, bye-bye.  (Hangs up and addresses the paper) Now, where were we, my lovelies?  (Presses “Play” on the stereo so the ocean waves resume) Aaaaaaahhhhhhh: my favorite part.  (Alerts start going off on the office computers and on everyone’s cell phones; employees start freaking out and running off; Friend 1 hums while filing the current pile and preparing to start on the next one when the cell phone rings; answers) Allo-allo-allo?

            Friend 2: Did you hear what’s going on?!

            Friend 1: No, but you sound a bit agitated about it.

           Friend 2: That’s the understatement of the eon!  So that asteroid that’s been coming this way and everyone thought would pass us by, got affected by all the other planets’ gravity when it entered our solar system and now it’s headed straight for us!  By this time tomorrow, we’ll be toast!

          Friend 1: I doubt it – can’t some nukes just vaporize it or turn it into a black hole or something?

            Friend 2: IT’S BIGGER THAN THE EARTH!!!!

            Friend 1: Oh.  Well, the world won’t end if – oh.

            Friend 2: I’m calling the rest of my family now – good-bye forever!  (Disconnects the call)

           Friend 1: (Sets down the phone and stares at the pile of paper, then at the now-empty office) That advice certainly came at the perfect time in my life.  Decades later than I’d’ve liked, but better late than never, right?

            Right?