Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity

             (In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)

Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!

Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.

Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!  (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)

Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)

Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.  Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour.  Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here?  (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!

Audience Member 1: Hi!  (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!

Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi.  (Heads goes back down)

Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!

Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?

Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!

Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!  I had final say on casting him, by the way.

Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....

Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?

Audience: Ahahahahahaha!

Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.

Audience: Ahahaha – ha?

Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?”  Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!

Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –

Chad: (To Director) Do we?!  I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!

Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –

Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!  People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!

Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>

Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –

Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!

Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!

Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!  See?!  How can you say that?!  I don’t know you!  You don’t know me!  I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!

Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!  I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!

Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again!  Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!

Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!  (Audience applauds politely)

Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.

Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!

Director: So!  Let’s have another question from the audience!

Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –

Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!

Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?

Priya: Unfortunately, yes.  (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here.  (Chad groans loudly into his arms)

Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?!  Please?!

Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget.  Is that true?

Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.  (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget.  I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.

Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..

Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.

Story 329: I Would Like to Cancel My Subscription to Humanity

            Automated Phone Line: Hello, and thank you for calling Humanity, central office.  To properly direct your call, please select from the following options: for – Guidance With Existential Issues – press 1; for – Venting About Injustice – press 2; for – Suggestions on Adapting to Overpopulation – press 3; for – Feedback From the Flora and the Fauna – press 4; for – Your Place in the Universe – press 5; for – Subscription Management – press 6; for – (“6” is pressed) OK, you selected – Subscription Management – is that correct?  Press 1 for “Yes,” or press 2 for – (“1” is pressed) One moment please – (♪♪♪) For – Assistance With Starting a New Life of Service to Others – press 1; for – A List of Reasons Not to Burn It All Down – press 2; for – Subscription Renewal – press 3; for – Subscription Cancellation – press 4; for – (“4” is pressed) One moment please.  (Ringing tone for almost 10 seconds)

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: He-hello?  This is Subscription Cancellation – do you actually need my assistance?

            Human: Hello, yes, I would like to cancel my subscription to Humanity, please.  However, if I need to wait four to six weeks for that to be processed, I completely understand.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, it’s just that – no one ever selects this extension, so I just want to make sure you… picked the right one?

            Human: Of course.  Humanity is of no further use to me and I wish to cancel my subscription to it, if you please.  To put it bluntly, I’m done with the whole thing and I want out of the species.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Sounds of rifling through papers) you see, the thing is, no one’s dialed this extension since I started here, so I’ve never actually done one of these before.  I mostly field the Burn-It-All-Down calls, which can get pretty intense.

            Human: I can imagine.  I almost selected that one myself just now, but I always like to hear what my options are on these things and this one seemed much more applicable to my situation.

             Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh.  OK.

            Human: You see, I don’t really want us all to go out in a fiery inferno – I supposed there’s a modicum of hope left for some of us, and that scenario’d be completely unfair to the innocents and all the other non-human lifeforms on Earth who’d get swept up in it through no fault of their own.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Yeah, that’s usually the angle I take.

            Human: So I thought, this is my decision, I should be the only one affected by it, right?

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh yeah, right.

            Human: So, there it is.  No more Humanity for me, I thank you.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, OK, right, let’s see… (More rifling through papers) OK, got it!  You have the option of cancelling your subscription to Humanity but still remain human – just no further interaction with other members of your species, ever again.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that.

        Humanity Customer Service Representative: That package also includes instantaneous relocation to a remote part of the planet where your impact on your surroundings would be minimal to nil: you would have no electricity and no direct access to food, water, or shelter other than what you can get for yourself, but considering that you probably would be sent to Antarctica, that part is next-to-impossible for your species without outside assistance from your fellows.

            Human: Oh.  Um….

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Oh!  I just found a report from the last human who cancelled their subscription, about 375 years ago…. Uh-yep, they died from exposure in about a week, but they were a bit hardier back in those days, know-what-I-mean?

           Human: Hm.  I kind of was hoping I could just stay home all day and no one would bother me.

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: (More rifling through papers) Let’s see, there’s also the option to transfer outside of your species and continue as a different entity.

            Human: Isn’t that reincarnation?

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: Nah, that’s after you died this go-around, and actually falls under “Subscription Renewal.”  This transfer would happen now, during your current life.  Just – boom, different creature, carry on.

            Human: Ooh, I’d like that one.  Yes, I’ll take that option, please.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, then!  (Sounds of lifting a heavy object and dropping it onto a desk) Right – (Sounds of flipping through pages in a very large book) I can start at the beginning and keep reading names of animals, plants, bacteria, etc. until you tell me to stop, or if you have an idea of what you would like to become I can go to that category and –

            Human: Icarus.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: Eh?

          Human: Blue supergiant star in the MACS J1149+2223 galaxy.  Farthest observed star from this planet, so likelihood of my kind getting their dirty hands on it anytime soon are slim.

           Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um, you seem to have given this a lot of thought, but what’s observed is over nine billion years old so that star is probably a black hole by now.

          Human: Oh yes, of course, what a fundamental error.  Very well, then – Proxima Centauri should do instead: a little too close to Earth for comfort, but can’t be too choosy.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Um… (Back to rifling through papers) You actually can’t be transferred into something that already exists.

           Human: Why not?  Matter and energy never are created or destroyed anyway, they just get shuffled around a bit.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: But this is something that currently exists in that specific form, so your essence can’t be added on top of it.

            Human: I concede the point.  Could you make me into a brand new star then?

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: Umm, I don’t know if that’s ever been done before….

            Human: First time for everything.  I’m sure there must be some nebula out there, on the verge of emerging into starhood as we speak.

            Humanity Customer Service Representative: It actually takes about 10 million years to –

         Human: Just make me a star, or an asteroid, or dark matter for all I care!  Get me out of Humanity and off this planet forever, please!

          Humanity Customer Service Representative: OK, OK – (Sounds of typing) There’s one out there ready to go, and it’s so many billions of light years away from Earth that the Hubble Space Telescope won’t even see it for ages – I can cancel your subscription and send you there right now, or set an appointment for a few days or weeks from now so you can get your affairs on Earth in order first?

           Human: My affairs mean nothing to no one, least of all me.  Do it now, please.  And thank you – you’ve been most helpful.

         Humanity Customer Service Representative: (Typing) Anytime!  And… done!... Hello?  Oh right, they’re a star now.  (Disconnects the call) Too bad I can’t send them the survey – that was some of my best work.