Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 609: The For-Real Haunted House Experience

 AUGUST 31 

(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)

Interviewee: Helllooooo!!!  They told me out there to come right in.

Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.

Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

Interviewee: Good one!

Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it.  Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.

Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.

Interviewer: Appreciate it.  (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So!  What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?

Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!

Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive.  Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.

Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.

Interviewer: Indeed.  Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.

Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.

Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so!  Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?

Interviewee: Exactly.

Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to.  Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.

Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.

Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season.  No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.

Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that.  I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.

Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.

Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?

Interviewer: Please.

Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore.  The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks.  It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.

Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences.  I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.

Interviewee: I know, right?  So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.

Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else.  At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.

Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!

Interviewer: Definitely!  Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion.  Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.

Interviewee: Sounds great!  I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.

Interviewer: Glad to hear it.  (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by)  Oh!  Almost forgot.  (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?

Interviewee: Oh.  I thought we were going as ourselves here?  Since it’s a real haunted attraction?

Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch.  The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.

Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”?  At least to start.

Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year.  (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween.  Are you comfortable with that?

Interviewee: Of course!  I love the living!

Interviewer: Don’t we all!  (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.

Interviewee: Do they know, then?

Interviewer: Know what?

Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?

Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.

Interviewee: I’ll bet. 

OCTOBER 31 

(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here.  I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead.  It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.

Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough.  I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope!  Exit!” at that point.  Their loss.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah.  (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!

Evil Clown Employee: Have fun!  I’ll come back later!  (Floats down through the floor)

(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)

Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?!  I don’t think I can take it!

Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers!  Welcome to my lair of sorcery!  Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve?  MWAHAHAHAHAHA!

Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time.  I might be overselling this.

Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations.  (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks?  I think some of them may be actual antiques!

(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)

Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.

Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour.  (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!

Living Employee: Oh.  OK.  Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!

Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either.  (Goes back downstairs)

Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.

Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals.  You?

Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?

Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.

Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.

Story 599: The Audience Really Does Make the Show

            (In the backstage area of a makeshift wrestling arena, professional wrestlers mill about warming up and getting into character; on the other side of the curtains, audience members take their seats in the folding chairs around the center ring)

Wrestler 1: (Doing push-ups against a wall while Wrestler 2 is doing lunges) Wait, so am I now kicking you in the stomach or bashing you in the head with a chair after the first pin?

Wrestler 2: Kick to stomach; I roll out of the ring, then I bash you with the chair when you come after me.

Wrestler 1: Got it.  Is it a bad sign I’m starting to mix up choreography from one match to another?

Wrestler 2: I’ll try to cover for you if it happens, but I wouldn’t let anyone else hear you say that.

Wrestler 1: Thanks.  I don’t think the audience really cares as long as we’re continually beating each other up, am-I-right?

Wrestler 2: (Switches to squats) To a point, but if you go for a clothesline at the same time I go for a backbreaker, I think we’re all gonna have a problem.

Wrestler 1: Heh-heh, yeah.

(Announcer rushes in, looking stressed)

Announcer: (Waves Wrestlers and Referee in closer) Everyone, huddle up please, I’ve got some news.

Wrestler 3: (As everyone gathers around) What, are we all fired?!

Announcer: No!  Why would you even think – ?  Never mind: I just found out that there’s been a slight mix-up in venues, so our audience for today’s show is not exactly our… regulars.

Referee: How do you mean?

Announcer: Well... I was told that this space was advertising Romeo and Juliet for today.

(The others howl with laughter, then trickle off)

Wrestler 4: Wait, you’re serious?!

Announcer: `Fraid so.

Referee: So why don’t we just pack up and move to the right venue now?

Announcer: It’s too late for us to move all our stuff out and the other show to move all their stuff in – everyone literally just found out the mistake when the audience here showed their tickets about 10 minutes ago.

Wrestler 5: And no one walked out?!

Announcer: Some did, but the majority didn’t want to drive another hour in city traffic to get to the right show, so they figured might as well stay with full refunds.

Wrestler 5: (Nods) Ah, lazy: I get it.

Announcer: (Briskly rubs hands together) So!  Same show as usual, just don’t expect as much… interaction as you normally get, `K?

Wrestler 6: (Raises hand) Ooh!  Can I finally do my Hamlet monologue during my entrance, pleeeeeeease?!

Announcer: Ergh, fine, do a few lines, but don’t be disappointed if you just remind them what they’re missing out on.

Wrestler 6: (Fist pumps) Yes!  Drama degree finally paying off!

Announcer: All right, everyone, let’s give `em a show!

Wrestlers and Referee: YEAH!

Usher: (Peaks head through the curtains separating the backstage from the frontstage) Hi, sorry to interrupt, but you could you all keep it down a little back here, please?  You’re making the crowd out there nervous.

Announcer, Wrestlers, and Referee: (In a whisper) SORRY!

(In the arena, the business-casual dressed audience members sit quietly in the first two rows of folding chairs on all four sides surrounding the ring.  The lights dim, then blaze in multicolor frenetic motion on the entrance ramp leading to the ring; loud music blares out from the speakers as Announcer emerges from behind the curtains to polite applause; Referee slips through the curtains shortly afterward and unobtrusively enters the ring)

Announcer: (Microphone causes voice to echo loudly through the mostly-empty arena) LAAAAADIES AAAAAAND GEEEEENTLEMEN!  Have we got a show for you today!  (Two audience members briefly clap)  And now, our first contestant in our extravaganza of destruction!  Weighing 155 lbs and fresh out of anger management therapy, please welcome, DOOM-MAKER!  (Polite applause from the audience members)

Wrestler 1: (Flings aside the curtains and grabs the microphone from Announcer to address the audience) That’s right: I am your doom, and I am here to rough!  Stuff!  Up!  (Staggered applause from the audience members) I don’t need your pity cheers!  I don’t need any of you, AHAHAHAHAHA!!!  (Several audience members start to stand up to leave) No, I’m kidding, please stay!  (They sit back down as Wrestler 1 hands the microphone back to Announcer and then jogs down the ramp to enter the ring)

Announcer: What a fiend!  And now, weighing 150 lbs and looking for trouble in all the right places, please welcome, APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Runs out through the curtains, pointing and yelling at Wrestler 1 as the audience members at the end of either side of the ramp shrink away) I’m coming for YOU, d’ya hear me?!  I’m coming for YOU!

Wrestler 1: (Standing in the center of the ring, spreads arms wide as Wrestler 2 hops up through the ropes) Come and get me, I’m right here!

Audience: [Polite applause]

Referee: (Struggling to separate the two Wrestlers who are lunging toward each other) Let’s have a nice, clean match, OK?!

Wrestler 1: You wish!

Wrestler 2: Oh, it is ON!

Referee: Aaaaand – BEGIN!  (Releases the Wrestlers and steps back as the loud music stops and a bell clangs to signal the start of the match)

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Grabbing the back of each other’s head) AAAAHHHH!!!!

Audience: [Stunned silence]

(Wrestler 1 throws Wrestler 2 onto the ring’s mat)

Wrestler 2: (Exaggeratedly twitches around) Ah!  My back!

Audience Member 1: (Leans in toward the ring) Oh no, are you OK?

Wrestler 1: (Leans over the ropes) No, he is not OK!  He’s going to be DESTROYED!

Audience Member 1: (Sits back) Oh dear.

Referee: (To Wrestler 1) You: off the ropes!  (Starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures) ONE!  TWO! –

Wrestler 1: (Gets off the ropes to get in Referee’s face) Get outta my face, Ref!

Audience Member 2: Rude.

(Wrestler 2 suddenly grabs Wrestler 1 by the ankle and yanks the latter down onto the mat)

Audience Member 3: Hey, that’s cheating!

Audience Member 4: I must say, even if it’s technically a legal maneuver, it shouldn’t be allowed all the same; it’s just not cricket.

Wrestler 2: (Lifting Wrestler 1’s leg in the air while pinning the rest of him; Referee dives to their level and starts counting with exaggerated hand gestures and long pauses between numbers) Then we’re real lucky this ain’t cricket, eh?!

Audience Member 4: Well I never!

Wrestler 2: I bet you haven’t!

(Wrestler 1 breaks out of the hold before Referee reaches “THREE!”, then show-kicks Wrestler 2 in the stomach)

Wrestler 2: (Bowls over in fake agony) Ooooohhhhh!!!!

Audience: [Sympathetic wincing]

Wrestler 1: (Strutting around the ring, arms wide open toward the Audience, looking for cheers and/or boos) Yeah?!  Yeah?!

Audience: [Disapproving silence]

Wrestler 1: [Uncomfortable throat-clearing]

(Wrestler 2 suddenly rolls out of the ring and runs toward an empty row to grab an unused folding chair; Wrestler 1 also rolls out of the ring)

Referee: Hey!  Both of you back in here now!

Wrestler 1: (Turns to shout back at Referee) You’re not the boss of me!

(Wrestler 2 runs up from behind and bashes Wrestler 1 in the head with the chair, knocking the latter to the floor)

Audience Member 5: (Seated right in front of this, suddenly stands) Help!  Someone call an ambulance!

Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2: (Each holding a hand out to Audience Member 5) No-no, it’s fine, everything’s fine – !

Referee: (Leaning over the ropes; to Audience Member 5) Get back in your seat, please!

Audience Member 5: (Slowly sits back down) This is worse than Titus Andronicus.

Wrestler 6: (Sticks head out between the curtains) NO IT ISN’T!  (Is pulled back by unseen hands)

Referee: (To Wrestler 1 and Wrestler 2) Get back in here now or you’re both disqualified!

Wrestler 2: (While re-entering the ring) All right, Ref, hold your horses!

Audience Member 6: (Leans down toward Wrestler 1 as the latter melodramatically struggles to stand after the head-bashing) Keep your chin up – just know I’m rooting for you, old sport.

Wrestler 1: (Pauses mid-stagger) …Thanks.

(After Wrestler 1 re-enters the ring, both Wrestlers deliver over-the-top slaps, kicks, punches, body-slams, and other mutual punishments to the resounding sound of silence, with an occasional whimper from an audience member)

Referee: (Gets a signal from Announcer and leans down to mutter as Wrestler 2 is pinning Wrestler 1) Wrap it up.

Wrestler 1: (With head clamped in a half nelson by Wrestler 2, mutters back) Now?  But we haven’t even gotten to the high-dives yet!

Referee: (Mutters) I don’t think they’d be appreciated.  (Louder with exaggerated hand movements) ONE!  TWO!  THREE!

(Bell clangs rapidly and loud music starts up again as Wrestler 2 stands in triumph and has an arm raised by Referee to be declared the victor)

Announcer: And the winner is… APOCALYPSE RISEN!

Wrestler 2: (Raises both arms) YESSS!!!  (Leans down to Wrestler 1 still lying on the mat) In!  Your!  Face!

Wrestler 1: [Moans in stage pain]

Audience: [Polite applause]

Announcer: (As Wrestler 2 exits the ring, circles the four sides of the audience looking for cheers and/or boos and receiving stunned stares instead, then follows Wrestler 1 who is staggering up the ramp) Coming up next: another epic match, another bout of obliteration!  Sit tight, folks, you don’t want to miss a single moment!  (Quickly turns and goes through the curtains to the backstage area, then points to Wrestler 6) You’re up next: recite the whole dang play if you have to at this point; we’re dying out there.

Wrestler 6: (Holding back tears) Really?  This is like a dream come true.

Wrestler 5: (Shakes wrists and rotates ankles to warm up) I don’t get it: I thought those Shakespeare plays are so bloody and what-not, you’d think everyone out there’d lap this all up.

Wrestler 6: (After briefly gargling salt water) Yes, well, the plays may often be bloody, but the audiences for them nowadays are pretty sedate; we would’ve done better with the groundlings at the Globe Theatre from days of old.

Wrestler 5: Yeah.  You know, that makes me wonder….

Wrestler 6: What?

Wrestler 5: How’s the other venue holding up, then?

Wrestler 5 and Wrestler 6: (Look off into the distance to ponder) Hmmm…. 

THE OTHER VENUE 

(Romeo and Juliet, Act III, Scene I is being performed on a gymnasium stage as casually dressed audience members rowdily watch)

“Mercutio”: “O calm, dishonorable, vile submission!  Alla staccata carries it away.”  (Draws a prop sword)

Audience: Ooooooohhhh!!!!

“Tybalt”: “I am for you.”  (Also draws a prop sword)

Audience: Whoooooooooaaaaaaaa!!!!

“Romeo”: “Gentle Mercutio, put thy rapier up.”

“Mercutio”: (To “Tybalt”) “Come, sir, your passado.  (“Mercutio” and “Tybalt” begin stage sword fighting)

Audience: (Standing as one) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!  DESTROY HIM!!!!!!

(The fight and dialogue continue until “Mercutio” is “stabbed” by “Tybalt”)

Audience: YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

“Mercutio”: “I am hurt.   A plague o’ both houses!”

Audience Member 7: You tell `em, Mercutio!

(After more dialogue and fighting, “Romeo”  “stabs” “Tybalt”)

Audience: (Still standing) YEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!/BOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

Audience Member 8: Oh no, Tybalt!

Audience Member 9: Finally, Romeo!  About time you did something, you twit!

(Backstage, Director raptly watches the action both on-stage and in the seats as Venue Owner approaches)

Venue Owner: (Quietly to Director) Again, I am so sorry for the mix-up – I don’t even know how to begin making up for it!

Director: (Without looking away from the two sets of crowds) Hm?  Oh, don’t even worry about it.

Venue Owner: …For real?

“Prince”: “Immediately we do exile him hence.”

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

Audience Member 10: Justice for Tybalt!

Audience Member 11: Romeo did nothing wrong!

Audience: BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (Grinning wildly; to Venue Owner) Are you kidding?  Other than their extreme disappointment that Juliet wouldn’t hip toss Romeo over the balcony earlier, this is probably the most enthusiastic audience we’ve ever had!

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 527: I Got a Bit Carried Away When Writing Season 4

             (In a conference room, seated around a long table are a television series’ showrunner, producers, and lead actors; various assistants are seated throughout the room behind them, ready to provide technical and moral support)

Showrunner: (Beaming widely at the attendees) Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of mildly enthusiastic “Yeah”s, “It was OK”s, and one noncommittal grunt) So!  By now you’ve all heard the amazing feedback on the success that Season 3 was this year; the audience couldn’t get enough of us and kept demanding more – (To one of the producers) genius idea to go the traditional route and release only one episode a week, by the way –

Producer: (Smugly) That’s why they pay me the big bucks.

Showrunner: Finally paid off.  (Producer double-takes) We’re the critics’ darlings, reviews and ratings are through the roof, and all the awards are pouring in, including – (Gestures to Lead 1) our very own Best Actor in a Popular Series nominee, yaaaaaay!  (Starts clapping for Lead 1; everyone else slowly joins in)

Lead 1: (Mildly embarrassed) Thanks, everybody; that really belongs to all of us, truly.

Lead 2: (Seated next to Lead 1 and staring straight ahead) Then where’s my nomination?

Lead 1: You know very well I have no control over that stuff.

Lead 2: Of course – it’s not like there’s any campaigning involved in these things.

Lead 1: You were plenty welcome to submit your name as a nominee.

Lead 2: That’s not how I roll.  (Turns to Lead 1) Last I checked, this was an ensemble show.  We all support each other.

Lead 1: Oh yeah?  Tell that to the upstagers over there; I think they missed the memo.  (Nods across the table at Lead 3 and Lead 4, whose mouths drop open in shock)

Lead 3: Ex – cuse me?!

Lead 4: Yeah, why’re you suddenly dragging us into this?

Lead 1: Oh, I don’t know, maybe because every time we do scenes together, one or both of you are mugging for the camera in every shot!

Lead 3: It’s called “staying in character”, as you should know at this point in your career!  And not being boring about it, by the way.

Lead 4: Maybe, if you had a little more fun with the role, you’d’ve also been nominated for “Most Dynamic Performer in a Series” like we were.

Lead 3: And won!  Twice!  (Lead 3 and Lead 4 high-five each other)

Lead 1: (Seething) That’s a baloney award from a baloney organization and you know it.

Lead 4: Award’s an award.

Lead 2: (Back to staring into the middle distance) You’re telling me….

Showrunner: Children, my children!  We’ve gone completely off-track and are now barreling through the forest of inanity.  Let us return to why we are all gathered here today: our table read for the much-anticipated Season 4 of our show, yaaaaay!  (Claps again but only a few assistants and producers join in this time) Now, you all were given each episode’s script on your way in, so no peeking ahead to the finale!

Lead 5: (Raises hand as the other leads take the top script from the pile) Question: how come these weren’t sent to us over hiatus like usual?  I like to prep before these things.

Showrunner: Well, this season I wanted to do something a little different: I wanted you all to experience the wonder, the thrills, the chills, and the emotional destruction of each episode together, communally, just as almost the entire audience will when they watch these on the release dates.  (The leads stare blankly at Showrunner) It’ll be fun!

Lead 4: Sure, why not; I’m always up for something new.

Lead 1: (Narrows eyes at Lead 4) You would be.  (Lead 4 gives a baffled “What?!” look)

Lead 2: (To Lead 1) Not exactly the insult I’m sure you were going for.

Lead 1: (Flipping through the script) Realized that after the fact.

Showrunner: OK!  So, like usual, I’ll be reading the stage directions and such; and you all of course know where to come in.  Please save any minor questions for the end so we can keep this going; but if there’s something major you notice, feel free to speak up immediately!  These are pretty much the final drafts since the multiple plots building up over the past few years are so heavily intertwined that any revisions at this point will cause the whole series to collapse in on itself, but, you know, as the showrunner and sole writer on this show, I’m technically open to suggestions. 

Lead 6: Why are you bothering with a table read then if you have no intention of making any revisions?

Showrunner: I wanna hear out loud how awesome it is.  So!  Without further ado, let us begin with

SEASON 4, EPISODE 1

Showrunner: “Scene 56.  Exterior.  Fortress.  Nighttime.  Snow is falling gently as a stumbling figure shambles toward the woods, then falls onto the ground in utter defeat.  Staring up at the star-filled sky, we see that the fallen figure is none other than -------, who smiles sadly as both Fate, and the camera, close in.”

Lead 6: (Looking concerned) “Whelp, it seems my journey ends here.  What a wild ride.”  (To Showrunner) Hold on a second – did my character just die?!

Showrunner: (Grinning) Sure did!  I was very emotional writing it; the tears flowed freely the entire time.  I think you’ll enjoy filming it, too.

Lead 6: So I get killed off in Episode 1?!

Showrunner: Yep!  Definitely motivation for all the other characters to, you know, keep fighting the good fight. 

Lead 6: So I’m done here for good?!

Showrunner: Yes indeedy!  It’s been fun, byeeeee!  (Waves at Lead 6)

Lead 6: But you told me back in January that I’d be in Season 4!

Showrunner: And you are.  In Episode 1.  Byeeeee!  (Waves again)

Lead 6: (Tosses the script onto the pile and mumbles) Wish I’d known that before I relocated last year.  (Everyone else makes sympathetic noises)

Lead 5: Yeah, are there budget cuts or something we should be worried about?

Showrunner: Not at all!  (To Lead 6) It basically came down to the fact that you weren’t, how shall I put this, a “fan favorite.”

Lead 6: (Glares at Showrunner) You forgot my character was in the show again, didn’t you.

Showrunner: (Becomes focused on the script) Yes I did – shall we continue?

SEASON 4, EPISODE 3

Showrunner: “Scene 2.  Interior.  ------’s room.   ------ is seated at a table, piling wooden blocks in a symbolic gesture reflecting two of this season’s main themes when there is a smart rapping at the door.  ------ accidentally knocks over the blocks, again symbolically, walks over to the door to open it, and sees -------- on the other side.”  (Showrunner sets down the script, unobtrusively takes out a small box of popcorn, and begins snacking on it while watching Lead 3 and Lead 4 with intense glee)

Lead 4: “Oh, hi!”

Lead 3: “Hey there!  You busy?”

Lead 4: “Not at all – come on in!”

Showrunner: “-------- enters and jokingly slams the door shut; the two then flop casually onto two armchairs facing each other.” [CRUNCH-CRUNCH]

Lead 3: “So, that last assignment sure was a lot of fun!”

Lead 4: “I’ll say!  And I love that it gave us so many opportunities to bust our self-appointed leader’s chops.”  (Looks significantly at Lead 1, who fumes quietly)

Lead 3: “Well, busting chops is my specialty!  Plus we got to, you know, save the universe again and everything.  Pretty cool of us, I think.”

Lead 4: “Yeah; who knew saving the universe at least once a week would be both spiritually fulfilling and hilarious?”

Lead 3: “Right on!”  (Everyone with a script simultaneously turns to the next page) “You know, while we’re on the subject, I think it’s about time we moved on from goofing off non-stop and you – ” (As Lead 3 and Lead 4 lean forward to their respective scripts with extremely furrowed brows) “finally let me worship that hot, hot body of yours”?!  (Looks up confusedly at Showrunner, who nods vigorously with manic glee)

Lead 4: (Still staring at the script) “Oh baby, you don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to say the exact same thing – take me now”?!  (Also looks up confusedly at Showrunner) Are these the right lines?!

Showrunner: Of course they are – got your characters’ names attached to them, don’t they?

Lead 3: Yeah, but this isn’t us.  (Gestures to self and Lead 4) We’re the comic relief!

Lead 4: There has to be a mistake; these are the type of lines you usually write for those two!  (Point to Lead 1 and Lead 2)

Lead 1: (Smiling evilly at Lead 3 and Lead 4) I find this extremely hysterical.

Lead 2: Guess you two better start hitting the gym, huh.

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) Ooh, maybe with the heat on them now this’ll mean we get a break this season – doing love scenes are ten times more exhausting then pretending I can do hand-to-hand combat, any day.

Lead 2: No argument from me.

Lead 3: Hey, at least you two knew what you were getting into when you got cast as the attractive leads of a show with such unsubtle romantic undertones – I, however, did not sign up for naughty business when I auditioned for what I thought was just going to be a quirky clown character with several intriguing mini-arcs!

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) And I was supposed to be a one-off and then killed-off, but you called me back because you said the fans loved me so much!

Lead 6: Hm.  Must be nice.

Lead 4: (Winces) Sorry.  (Back to Showrunner) So when did “punching up the script” turn into “borderline softcore porn”?!

Showrunner: Relax: you know the love scenes I write are always extremely tasteful.  (Returns to the script) “-------- grabs ------, throws the latter onto the king size bed, and grabs a bottle of hot oil handily waiting on a lamp table as they passionately tear each other’s clothes off – ”

Lead 3: OH, BLAZES, NO!

Lead 4: My wife’s gonna kill me!

Showrunner: Don’t worry: there’ll be an intimacy coordinator there the whole time so everything’s on the up-and-up.

Lead 3: Not the point!  Neither of us agreed to these types of scenes in our contracts!

Showrunner: Well, you didn’t not agree to them, either.  (Both glare at Showrunner, who sighs) Fine, fine: I’ll cut the scene short and you won’t have to do any of that stuff.  Will that stave off the lawsuits your eyes are threatening?

Lead 3: Maybe.  It also makes zero sense for these characters, but I’ll be satisfied with no on-screen shenanigans.

Lead 4: And no kissing.  (To Lead 3) No offense; it’d just be too awkward.

Lead 3: None taken – I agree, and I don’t want your wife killing me, either.

Showrunner: Aw come on, watching people make out on-screen is so cathartic!

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: (Sighs again and starts crossing out lines in the script) You win; it’ll just be heavily implied.  A lot of fans are going to be very disappointed, though.

Lead 3: Well, tell them that’s what fan fiction’s for!

Showrunner: Where do you think this idea came from?

Lead 4: Seriously?  Our characters got paired up in fan fiction?  (To Lead 3) I never played it that way; I thought we were just buddies, almost like siblings.

Lead 3: (Laughs ruefully) Pal, that’s where some of the most intense sagas there get started – not that I’ve actually read any of them…. (Sips water while looking everywhere else but at Lead 4)

Lead 1: As riveting as all these negotiations are, can we back to the actual reading before it’s time to start filming the season, please?

Lead 4: Why, are we upstaging you again?!

Lead 1: Yes!

Lead 4: Fair enough.

SEASON 4, EPISODE 10: SEASON FINALE

(Three quarters of the attendees have dozed off)

Showrunner: “Scene 257.  Interior.  A cozy living room.  A figure sits contemplatively in a chair facing a fireplace.”  (Looks up from the script and throws a piece of popcorn at Lead 7, who has been sleeping while leaning on folded arms on the table for almost the entire session) Oi!  That’s your cue!

Lead 7: (Startles awake and sits up) Huh?  What?  You killed off my character last season; I don’t even know what I’m doing here.

Showrunner: This is a flashback!

Lead 7: Oh.  Do you really need me, then?  Just use stock footage; not to sound disrespectful to everyone here, but I’m in the middle of a film shoot and don’t even care about this show anymore.

Showrunner: It’s a new flashback so we have to film it!  Read the line and collect your paycheck!

Lead 7: (Rubs tired eyes) Sure; something to do.  (Starts shifting through the pile of scripts to reach the bottom one; Lead 5 hands over a script open to the correct page) Thanks.

Lead 5: Don’t mention it – I got killed off two episodes ago and I’m just following along out of courtesy.

Lead 7: (Clears throat and reads flatly) “And so, as the black hole slowly devours our solar system, leaving Earth as the last sacrifice to its eternal greed, we come to that ultimate question that has defied the logic of ages: What truly is the meaning of life?”  (To Showrunner) If this is a flashback, when would my character ever have said this?  And to whom?  And where is this even supposed to be?!

Showrunner: And that is the question!

Lead 7: What?!

Showrunner: And now you’re done – you can go back to sleep.

Lead 7: (Hands the script back to Lead 5) Sounds like a plan.  (Lowers head and arms onto the table again and immediately falls back asleep)

SEVERAL HOURS LATER

Showrunner: “Scene 3,072.  Interior/Exterior.  ---- and ------ are on opposite sides of an open doorway in yet another symbolic expression of this season’s themes as a reality-ending storm rends the fabric of spacetime around them.”  (To Lead 1 and Lead 2) This means you have to scream at each other to be heard, by the way.

Lead 1: (Braces self) “This is it!”  (Most of the attendees suddenly wake up) “The end of all things!”

Lead 2: (Braces self) “That’s what you said at the last seven reality-ending storms!”

Lead 1: “And I meant it, every time!”

Lead 2: “Guess this is good-bye forever, then!”

Lead 1: “I just have to tell you one last thing before we part for eternity!”

Lead 2: “I know!  You don’t have to say a word!  I will always love you too, my love!”

Lead 1: “Well… I actually wanted to say that I finally realized that I like you more than love you, if you know what I mean!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I’ve grown to respect and admire you as a person, so that transcends the whole romantic, physical part of our relationship and makes it feel a bit mutually exploitative, to be honest!”

Lead 2: “…What?!”

Lead 1: “I do still love you, though!  Just in the Platonic ideal sense, which shows that I have truly evolved as a human being!”

Lead 2: “We’ve been intimate for almost five years and you’re just figuring this out now?!”

Lead 1: “Because now is the end of all things!”  (To Showrunner) I’m sorry, I gotta stop you right there –

Showrunner: (Working on a bag of candy) Nope!  It’s almost over, so we’re finishing this uninterrupted!

Lead 1: (Grinds teeth while looking back at the script) “My only regret is that we failed to save the universe this time, and soon all space and time will be flushed down the galactic toilet that is a supermassive black hole!”

Lead 2: “I know!  And more importantly, all our friends’ll be gone, too!  We’re losing everyone we care about!”

Showrunner: “At that exact moment, -------- and ------ ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 1: Unbelievable – upstaged again!

Showrunner: Wait your turn!  “Ride up in a superhyperspeed-powered motorcycle.”

Lead 3: “Speak for yourselves, losers!  We created our own supermassive wormhole that’ll take us to an alternate Earth where we’ll be safe and never have to deal with these cosmological hijinks ever again!”

Lead 4: “Sorry – not sorry – there’s no room for the two of you to come with us!  So… it’s been real!”

Lead 3: “You and me against the multiverse, babe!”

Lead 4: “I am so turned on right now!”

Showrunner: “They sloppily make out with undying passion – ”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: NO!

Showrunner: Right.  (Crosses out more lines and writes new ones)  “It’s heavily implied that they will sloppily make out with undying passion after they arrive on the alternate Earth, and they rev off at faster-than-light speed to their new destiny.”

Lead 3 and Lead 4: “Whoooo.”

Showrunner: A little more enthusiasm would be nice.

Lead 3: (Turns a page ahead) Wait, that’s our last line?!

Showrunner: This season, yeah.

Lead 4: (Mutters to Lead 3) This series, I’ll bet.

Showrunner: What?

Lead 4: What?

Lead 1: (Holding head in pain) Can we please wrap this up?!

Lead 2: I second that: we were supposed to end hours ago, and the daycare meter’s been running well into overtime.

Showrunner: Do not rush art!  And your own interruptions are not helping the cause, either.  (Returns to the script) “---- and ------ stare at each other with profound meaning as reality collapses around them.”

Lead 2: “The end!”

Lead 1: “Or is it?!”

(Everyone still reading the script turns the page)

Showrunner: “Cut to title card: TO BE CONTINUED.”  (Sets down the script and looks around the room triumphantly) The End!  For this season.  So, what do you all think?

(Mostly silence, and soft snores from those who had fallen back into a doze)

Lead 1: It… may need to be workshopped a bit.

Lead 2: A lot.

Showrunner: Children, we start filming in a few weeks; I told you there’s no room in my tightly plotted scripts for major revisions!

Lead 3: Then I’ve only got one thing left to say: brace yourself for the backlash.

Showrunner: Oh.  Right.  That.

ONE YEAR LATER

(In the same conference room with almost all the same people as last time; nearly everyone looks dour)

Showrunner: Hiiiiiii, everyone!  I hope you all had a great hiatus!  (There is a chorus of “Hmmmmm”s) So!  The reviews are in and by now you’ve all heard the, how shall I put this, not-so-great –

Lead 4: Abysmal.

Showrunner: – could-have-been-better response, which of course is no reflection on the hard work of every single person in this room.  You should all be proud of yourselves, yaaaay!  (Claps alone)

Lead 6: Can I just say that this was the easiest paycheck I ever earned?  I had the best time, and the fans even wanted me back!

Lead 5: I envy you so much, you have no idea.

Lead 1: (To Showrunner) Regarding the elephant in the room: I noticed this time we neither got scripts during hiatus or on our way in here.

Lead 3: (Holds a hand up to one side as if whispering a secret that everyone can hear) Spoiler alert: there aren’t any.

Showrunner: There are too!  I wrote a beautiful and moving Season 5 that will make the world weep!  (They all stare at Showrunner) But, I got word from the studio this morning that the show’s been cancelled so, yeah.  No Season 5, unfortunately, children.

Lead 2: Yeah, we pretty much all figured that was the only logical outcome for this situation.

Lead 4: Good thing I recently was cast as the lead in an exciting new adventure series that critics already are comparing to this show, “when it was good,” so I guess you would’ve had to kill off my character this season anyway.

Lead 3: (To Lead 4) Aw, you got the role?  Congratulations!

Lead 4: Thanks!  They’re still looking to cast a few more regulars if you’re interested, and can take time during the other five shows you’re on now.

Lead 3: Send me the info – I grab all the shows I can get!

Lead 1: (To Lead 2) They never stop, do they?  It’s like a compulsion.

Lead 2: I physically cannot care any less than I do at this very moment.

Showrunner: Some good news, though: we got nominated again for lots of awards, including – you guessed it – Best Actor, yay!

Lead 1: I’m frankly amazed myself.

Lead 2: So am I.  (Lead 1 glares at the other) What?  Admit it: this year we both checked out before principal photography even began.

Lead 1: (Looks away shiftily) I thought that was an unspoken understanding for all of us….

Lead 3: Um, not those of us who actually take our craft seriously!  Unworthy.

Lead 4: (To Showrunner) So: any reason this is a meeting and not an e-mail?

Showrunner: Glad you asked!  We may not be able to film Season 5 per se, but there’s no reason why the storylines and most of the dialogue can’t be salvaged and plugged into an amazing new series that I want everyone here to be a part of – (Everyone else in the room stands up and leaves) Rude.  Eh, who needs them?  I can always post it in fan fiction.