Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 619: When Is Now?

            “What day is today?”

“The date?”

“No, the day.”

“Oh, it’s Wednesday.”

“How do you know?”

“Because… it is?”

“But how do you know, for certain?”

“Is this a test or something?”

“I just want to know how is it you’re absolutely, positively certain what day of the week it is.”

“OK, if we’re doing this: I know it’s Wednesday because later I’ll have to go food shopping.”

“Which could’ve been changed with any other day.”

“Ugh, fine: it’s also leftovers tonight.”

“Not good enough – you can have leftovers several days a week.  Have you looked at an actual calendar today?”

“No, I haven’t looked at a calendar in weeks; I don’t have to because it’s all – up – here!”

“Uh-huh.”

“All right: today is most definitely Wednesday, because yesterday was Tuesday.  So there.”

“…But how do you know yesterday was – ”

“I’ve had enough of this – excuse me, busy employee?”

“Oh, me?  I’m actually in the middle of helping someone else, but how can I help you in a few minutes?”

“This’ll just take a second: we’re playing an annoying game right now – could you be a pal and let us know what day of the week today is, please?”

“Yeah, sure: it’s Thursday.”

“….”

“….”

“OK, gotta go – bye.”

“….”

“….”

“Do you think we should be concerned this may be a sign of a serious problem that we should get checked out?”

“Nah – at least we still know what the days of the week are.”

“True; and after all, we really were only one day off.”

“I’d say that’s a win.”

Story 618: Out With the Old, In With the Nothing

            (Friend 2 knocks on Friend 1’s condo door; after a few moments, Friend 1 opens the door wearing coveralls, a hat, and several layers of dust)

Friend 2: …I’m afraid to ask.

Friend 1: Too late – get in.  (Pulls Friend 2 by the wrist into the condo and locks the door shut behind them both, then looks at the other up-and-down) Where’s your protective gear?

Friend 2: (Gestures to self) You said “Dress for a mess” so these are the most worn-out clothes I have; although – (Also looks Friend 1 up-and-down) it seems I forgot to bring along my gas mask.

Friend 1: What?  Oh, forget it – too late for such trifles now!  Let’s go.  (Leads the way to the bedroom in the back of the unit and opens arms wide once through the doorway) Right!  Here’s how far I got so… far.

(Friend 2 takes in all the boxes, books, clothes, photo albums, files, stuff, stuff, and more stuff all over the floor, the bed, and partway up the walls)

Friend 2: Oh… wow….

Friend 1: I know, isn’t it hideous?  We always complain about accumulating junk we don’t need but we never truly realize how much of it we’ve shoved into our lives.  I haven’t even touched the upper shelves in the closet yet, if you can believe it.

Friend 2: (Nodding resignedly) Oh, I can.  And this is the only room you need to go through, yes, please?

Friend 1: (Starts moving piles of clothes into bigger piles on the bed) Yeah – the good thing about moving from your childhood home straight into a smaller space is that I never got a chance to collect mega-sized possessions.  Could you imagine if I tried to shove a table tennis table in here?

Friend 2: But you don’t play.

Friend 1: No, but if I had a huge house all to myself I’d probably start buying stuff like that just to fill it up.  Oh, the soul-crushing cycle of consumerism!

Friend 2: (Tosses away a dirty sock) Spare me.

Friend 1: Sure.  (Abruptly sits in a small cleared-out area on the floor) So: I need you to help me get rid of the paraphernalia.

Friend 2: (Sits nearby in another small cleared-out area on the floor) What, you mean like old school notebooks and broken trinkets and what-not?

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Don’t need me for that – you know what’s a keeper and what’s garbage.

Friend 1: That’s the thing: I’ll think they’re all keepers.  I need you here to be brutal.

Friend 2: Ah.

Friend 1: No matter how much I beg, plead, or complain, if it’s taking up space and is no longer needed in my life, it’s got – to – go.

Friend 2: If you say so.  Is this a New Year’s resolution thing?

Friend 1: Sort of, but I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.  I read in a few places recently that it’ll be so much easier to have all these knickknacks no one else’ll care about already gone, for those who’ll wind up having to clean out this place after I kick the bucket.

Friend 2: (Looks up from holding a half-used pencil at different angles) Ugh, morbid.

Friend 1: Hey, we all have to face reality at some point.

Friend 2: Yes, and you’re so good at that.

Friend 1: I’d resent that if it weren’t mostly true; this time though I’m actually being proactively thoughtful with my inevitable exit stage left.

Friend 2: And you realize that I’ll probably be the one cleaning out your stuff – in the far, far distant future, of course.

Friend 1: I doubt it: you’re nicer than I am, so the rule usually is that you’ll go to Heaven first and I’ll be stuck here for a much longer sentence.

Friend 2: Thanks, I think.  (Rummages through a nearby pile and pulls out an old toy car) OK, let’s start small with this: Keep, Donate, or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Takes the car with a smile) Aw, I remember getting this from my grandparents when I was 4 years old – I would zoom it all over the house on its never-ending race around the world!... Mom and Dad weren’t too happy about that.

Friend 2: I’ll bet.  So, Keep?

Friend 1: (Fiddles with the car for a few moments, then shakes head definitively and hands the toy back to Friend 2) No, this can go to the Donate pile: it’s time it made someone else happy.  I’ll always cherish the memories, right up until the moment dementia steals them.

Friend 2: Bleak.  (Clears another open space on the floor and sets down the car) This’ll be the Donate pile, then – you got a bag for Garbage?

Friend 1: (Holds up a contractor bag) Way ahead of you!

Friend 2: Good.  I guess the Keep items will go back into the closet or wherever, then.

Friend 1: Oh, that pile will be extremely small, don’t you worry.  (Winks)

Friend 2: Of course it will.  (Holds up a stuffed animal that is fraying at the seams) How about this one?

Friend 1: (Gasps) Wobbly!  (Grabs the stuffed animal out of Friend 2’s hand and hugs it close) I can’t believe I forgot all about you!  How thoughtless of me!

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Donate to make someone else happy, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up guiltily) Uh – well – you can see the condition’s not exactly prime – I wouldn’t want to give someone a used stuffed companion –

Friend 2: So, Garbage?

Friend 1: (On an intake of breath) How-dare-you!

Friend 2: Mm-hm; Keep?

Friend 1: I should think so!  (Reaches up to the bed and props the stuffed animal against a pillow) A few stitches’ll fix you good as new, don’t you worry.

Friend 2: OK, moving along – (Holds up a file folder) This looks like class notes.

Friend 1: Really?  (Takes the folder and skims through the papers) Oh, Psych 101!  I needed that freshman year in college!

Friend 2: Yeah, I think everyone in freshman year in college had to take something like that.  Recycling rather than Garbage for those, then?

Friend 1: (Still skimming through the papers) Just a minute… this is really interesting… I practically blew off this class but now that I’m reading this it’s actually very insightful….

Friend 2: That class was over 20 years ago so most of the information is probably outdated.

Friend 1: (Hands back the folder) OK, Recycling.

Friend 2: (Clears another open space on the floor) Group #4.

Friend 1: What a side benefit to all this: we’re saving the Earth on top of everything else.

Friend 2: It’s very unlikely that we’re saving much of anything.  (Holds up a collage) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Stares at Friend 2) I’m shocked: do you not recognize your younger self with our high school chums in that display?

Friend 2: (Turns around the collage to look at it closely, then recoils in horror) Ah!  Garbage!  (Tries to shove it into the contractor bag)

Friend 1: (Grabs the collage and tosses it onto the bed) Yoink!

Friend 2: All right, but you’d better not post photos of that anywhere or I’ll never speak to you again.  (Holds up a trinket) Garbage or Donate?

Friend 1: Eh, Donate; should make someone’s day.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder and holds up a fancy pen) This looks used – Garbage?

Friend 1: Oh – that was from my first real job – it was kind of a memento – coming of age and all – but the ink’s probably dry –

Friend 2: Garbage.  (Flings it into the open contractor bag, then holds up a photo album) Keep?

Friend 1: Of course.

Friend 2: (Tosses it onto the bed, then holds up a video game cartridge) Donate?

Friend 1: If any system can actually play it now, sure – I kept losing on that one so I’ve no emotional attachment to it.

Friend 2: (Tosses it back over a shoulder, then holds up a diary) Keep or Garbage?

Friend 1: (Narrows eyes at it) Hm… read out the first page for me, please?

Friend 2: (Opens the diary and reads) “Dear Diary, No one understands me – ”

Friend 1: BURN IT!

(Several hours later, everything has been sorted into two towering groups of multiple mini-piles on the floor and one smaller pile on the bed, or put into several contractor bags; Friend 1 and Friend 2 creakily stand up and walk over to the door to admire their work)

Friend 2: Well, I have to say, I didn’t think you could bring yourself to clean out this much and this thoroughly, but you did, and I’m proud of you.

Friend 1: Aw, thanks!  You were a big help – I didn’t think I could’ve parted with as much if you weren’t here to force me.

Friend 2: Well, that’s what friends are for.

Friend 1: Great friend!

(They smile at each other, then stare at the organized mess for a few moments longer)

Friend 1: So, now I’ve got to haul all these to the garbage and recycling dumpsters and a donation center –

Friend 2: (Turns and leaves) Yeah, not that great a friend.