Dear Santa,
I
am a reasonable human being. I like to
think I have a firm grasp on reality. So
I am not going to mince words with you: this Christmas, I will not ask for one
single present, from you or from anyone else, at all, not one. In return, I only ask that I not be required,
requested, and/or obligated to give one single present, to you or to
anyone else, at all, not one.
To
put it bluntly, Mr. Claus, I simply cannot take it any longer. Everyone complains, yet they compulsively do
it anyway: you know what I mean, the massive, overwhelming, soul-destroying
marathon that is holiday shopping. Many
of us have too much stuff as it is, but there we all go, off to the sales races
again. And so we go through the motions,
year after dreaded year, piling into horrendous traffic, piling into
overcrowded stores, piling into the worst zeniths of consumerism, stuff, stuff,
stuff. Will all that stuff fill the
empty void currently taking up residence in our hearts? The answer of course is “No,” but most act as
if it is “Yes.”
And
as the coins in my piggy bank dwindle, I question the point of the whole
thing. Why do we continue to give gifts
if the process of getting them has made the giver so utterly unhappy? Does the recipient’s brief, passing joy make
all that suffering worth it? I
guess. Still does not make up for the
four hours I will never get back from the mass chaos that is the mall. How is that all of us always decide to go
there at the same time, anyway?
I
would also like to discuss the futility of sending holiday cards, but that is
too off-topic and would require a ream of paper to address adequately.
Returning
to the issue at hand, I would like to speak to the conundrum of online
shopping: convenient for the consumer, perhaps, but inconvenient for the delivery
person who now is in the previously mentioned traffic and also for the warehouse employee who has added
your order to the 7,322 others waiting to be filled that day. But it is guaranteed next-day delivery, since
unnamed shopper forgot to order it until two days before the main event of
Christmas or Hanukkah.
Not
to mention (but I will anyway), I have no idea what to get people, including members
of my own family, unless they specifically tell me what they want. Opera tickets? A wooden sleigh? Gift cards for soon-to-be-out-of-business
restaurants? It is exhausting trying to
figure out a gift that will not be returned.
I
just cannot bear the stress of it all anymore, so I beg of you: please do not
give me anything this year, and let me be relieved of the burden of having to
give presents to anyone. If you are so
gracious as to grant this request, I warn you now I may ask for it again next
year.
I
write to you every December, and in all my 42 years on this planet I have yet
to receive a bona fide response from you or your staff. I would greatly appreciate it if this year's anti-consumerism theme
ended that streak.
Always
Affectionately Yours,
Little
Johnny
