Story 422: Next Year Will Be Different

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Why?

Partygoer 1: …`Cause it’s a new year!  New beginnings, new starts, new initiatives!

Partygoer 2: That’s three ways to say the same thing, and it’ll be none of them.

Partygoer 1: Huh?

Partygoer 2: It’s just another day – the same problems you have right now won’t magically disappear because some arbitrary, human-made, time-telling device says we’ve started a new round of trying to organize the variable, location-dependent seasons into something our puny brains can comprehend.  The only actual real-world impact from tonight is that the Earth has reached the same spot in its orbit where it was last year, which we do every day anyway.  The whole thing is pretty meaningless when you think about it.

Partygoer 1: (Blinks)

Partygoer 2: (Blinks back)

Partygoer 1: Why are you even at this party?

Partygoer 2: Free booze.  (Slurps drink)

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: Woo-boo!  (Throws glitter into the air and spins a noisemaker; to Partygoer 2) You’ll see: next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: Don’t you mean this year now?

Partygoer 1: Oh.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: You again, I see.  So was this year any different from last year?

Partygoer 1: It sure was!  I got a new job and a new house!

Partygoer 2: Wow, that certainly is different.

Partygoer 1: Darn tootin’!  (Spins noisemaker)

Partygoer 2: So: new job to drain your soul and new expenses to drain your bank account?

Partygoer 1: (Looks around shiftily while sipping from a martini glass) Maybe.

Partygoer 2: So: next year you don’t want new beginnings, etc., etc., right?  You already got all that this year so next year shouldn’t be different, right?

Partygoer 1: Well….

Partygoer 2: Go on.

Partygoer 1: I would like a new boss – my current one apparently is an escaped demon.

Partygoer 2: Ah, one of those.

Partygoer 1: And I would like better neighbors – and my mortgage interest rate to go down – and that weird leak to go away – and better –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 2: Whelp, it’s a new year now: time for everything to automatically change no matter what.

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker frantically) Woooo-hooooo!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: (Slurps the free booze) You tell `em.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: (On crutches) It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Good heavens, you look awful.  How’s life treating you now?

Partygoer 1: Well, not so great, actually: I keep getting weird injuries; a few relatives passed away; demon boss hired a demon coworker for me to play with; half of my new house collapsed – you know, the usual.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Swings noisemaker with one hand while holding onto crutches with the other) Wooooooo-hooooooo!!!!!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: I don’t doubt it.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s –

Partygoer 2: Come off it, mate; it’s just me here.

Partygoer 1: Oh right, never mind.

Partygoer 2: At least the crutches are gone now.

Partygoer 1: Only because both knees’ve been replaced.

Partygoer 2: Ouch.

Partygoer 1: Yeah; I was out from work for two months with all that so demon boss had time to turn the rest of the office against me and promote demon coworker, who is now demon boss #2.

Partygoer 2: Ew.

Partygoer 1: Still, I have a job, and the house repairs are coming along, even though I’m still technically only living in half of it.

Partygoer 2: Is that so.

Partygoer 1: Ooh, ooh, I almost forgot – I won the lotto this year!

Partygoer 2: Well, that’s great.

Partygoer 1: Yeah!  Except after taxes it was only about, you know, five bucks.  But it felt nice.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoer 1: It’s funny, all these years and I’ve never asked: how’s your year been?

Partygoer 2: Oh, the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker until the top half flies off) WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Partygoer 2: – but I’m sure next year will be different.

Story 322: Welcome to the Roaring 20s (Again)

            (At an apartment on December 31, 2019)

           Host: (Wearing a flapper dress and opening the door to several guests) Hello, old sports, and welcome to our New Year’s Eve Party ringing in the Roaring 20s!  Please disregard this prop cigarette in my hand – you still can’t smoke in here.

          Guest 1: That’s OK – (Secretively pulls out a brown paper bag from inside a large coat) I brought the “stuff.”  (Winks exaggeratedly)

            Host: Thanks, just put it on the kitchen table.

           Guest 1: Oh-ho, where just anyone can see it?  What if we get – you know – (Looks up and down the hallway and stage-whispers) “raided?”

           Host: Prohibition doesn’t go into effect until mid-January, so we’ve still got a few weeks.

            Guest 1:  Oh.  I thought this was a speakeasy theme?

            Host: Then I would’ve asked you for a password to screen out the coppers, silly!

            (They join the rest of the party – someone takes off the record that was playing on a turntable and instead puts on one that plays “The Charleston,” so everyone starts dancing “The Charleston”)

            Host: (Bursting into the middle of the dancers) No!  No!  No!  Stop this madness right now!  There will be no “The Charleston” played or danced here, since there was no “The Charleston” until 1923 and this is the eve of 1920!

            Guest 2: Hey, you said this was a 20s New Year’s Eve Party!

           Host: The invitation clearly stated that this is New Year’s Eve 1920, so right now we’re still technically in 1919!

            Guest 3: (Mutters to Guest 4) Actually, we’re still technically in 2019.

            Host: Who said that?!

            (Later in the evening)

         Guest 5: (To Host while sipping absinthe) While I admire your dedication to historical accuracy, you must admit that strictly adhering to the pre-1920 aspect instead of the entire subsequent decade does rather limit the selection of music, dances, clothing, food, and pretty much anything else that made the 20s the excessive slide into the Great Depression we all know and love.  Right now, everyone’s still dealing with the shell shock and influenza pandemic that sprung from the Great War, which does put a bit of a damper on things, wouldn’t you say?

            Host: Your unsolicited opinion is duly noted.

         Guest 6: (Enters the apartment wearing a disco suit) Wassup, dudes, I am ready to boogie on down and go bananas all up in this joint, to the MAX!

            Host: (Crushes a champagne flute in a fist while pointing to Guest 6) Out!  Of!  My!  Sight!  Anachronistic!  Floozy!

            Guest 6: My bad, dawg.

            Host: Gaaaahhhh!!!

            (Midnight)

            Guests: Happy New Year!

            Host: (Collapses in a chair) Yay.

            Guest 7: (Sits on the chair’s arm) Thanks for the party – that was a lot of fun!

            Host: I guess, if you ignore “Welcome to 1920” and make this a “Welcome to Whatever Year You Want” mess, then yes, it was loads of fun.

            Guest 7: (Sips champagne) I suppose.  You do know that flappers showed up a lot earlier than 1920, but really didn’t become entrenched in American culture until the movie The Flapper was released almost halfway through that year, right?

            Host: (Eyes widen in horror) Whaaaaaat???

            (Someone starts playing 21^st-century music from their cell phone’s speakers)

            Guest 7: Cheer up – you can try again in 2120!  (Leaves)

            Host: (Mutters) It’s barely begun, and my fun-loving decade’s already ruined.