Story 576: Valentine’s Day Date With Myself

            (In an apartment, Ego is tidying up the place while on the phone)

Ego: And since I’m currently between soul mates, I decided that this year I’m going on a Valentine’s Day date with myself.

Friend: (Voice on the phone) Good for you!  It’s always nice to treat yourself, I say.  I’m actually kind of jealous: The Other Half really wanted to go to the ballet this year so I’m bracing myself for that snoozefest tonight.

Ego: (Adjusts the living room window blinds) Bummer.

Friend: It really is.  But, I can’t complain because afterwards we’re having dessert at Rock `N Roll All-You-Can-Eat Sports Bar, which The Other Half has to take two aspirin to endure so, you know: True Love, and all that.

Ego: (Lighting several candles) Yeah-yeah, sure-sure.  (There is a knock at the front door) Ooh, sorry to cut you off but my date’s here, have fun, bye!  (Runs to the door, tossing the phone onto a dishtowel lying on the kitchen counter)

Friend: But I thought you were – ? (Disconnected)

(Ego unlocks the front door to reveal Alter Ego)

Ego: (Beaming broadly) Hi!

Alter Ego: (Carrying a large heart-shaped box of chocolates, a bouquet of chocolate roses, and a container of hot chocolate mix) Hi.  I wasn’t sure what you’d be in the mood for so I brought all of them.

Ego: Excellent.  (Stands aside) Come on in!

(Alter Ego enters and they both go into the living room)

Alter Ego: (Setting down the desserts on a coffee table) So, what’ll it be tonight?  Fancy dinner in, sci-fi movie during dessert, maybe a foot pampering session thrown in for good measure?

Ego: (Holds up a foot spa bath) You know me too well.

(At dinner in the dining room/kitchen)

Alter Ego: (While munching on the entrée) Mm-mm, this is delicious.

Ego: Why, thank you.  (Slyly sips from a flute of sparkling water)

Alter Ego: Have you been taking those cooking classes you were thinking about a lot recently?

Ego: Indeed.  I’m glad you noticed; it really is money well spent.

Alter Ego: I’d say: (Holds up a forkful of food) this has been braised to perfection.

Ego: (Waves dismissively) Oh, stop, you!  (Tilts head in thought) Me?

Alter Ego: And the sides!  Healthy, yet savory.  (Does a chef’s kiss) Brilliant.

Ego: It’s so nice to have one’s effort appreciated.

Alter Ego: Well, I certainly appreciate it.  And I was going to do this already, but definitely leave all the dishes and clean-up to me!

Ego: You say the most magical things.

(Later on, Ego and Alter Ego are sprawled across the living room couch watching a movie by candlelight and snacking on the chocolates while Ego’s feet are in the bubbling spa bath)

Alter Ego: (Points to the screen) Don’t you just love it when the soundtrack has themes for certain characters that pop up over and over again throughout the film?

Ego: Yes!  Hardly anyone I watch movies with seems to notice that, and they act like I’m making it up!

Alter Ego: I don’t know about them, but I think it adds such a rich layer of subtext to the entire work – a real treat for the ears that’s extremely underappreciated, in my opinion.

Ego: Exactly!  You get it.

(By the time the movie ends, both are dozing off)

Ego: (Blinking awake as the credits roll loudly, looks around at the mess of candy wrappers on the couch and floor) Ooh, did we actually eat all this?

Alter Ego: Well, you certainly did.

Ego: Heh-heh, yeah.

Alter Ego: And on that note – (Stands) time for me to, unfortunately, buzz off.

Ego: Oh.  (Tries to stand but sloshes around in the foot spa bath instead; dries off feet with a blanket and kicks aside the bath) Is the Valentine’s Day date over already?

Alter Ego: Why, you wanna go out clubbing or something?

Ego: (Shudders) Ooh, I don’t think I can handle that anymore at my age.  OK, well, thanks for a lovely Valentine’s Day, then.

Alter Ego: My pleasure.

(They both walk to the entrance)

Ego: (Unlocks and opens the front door) So: same time next year?

Alter Ego: You sure? You might find a new soul mate by then.

Ego: (Thinks for a few moments, then shakes head) Knowing me, I doubt it.  Besides, I learned something new from our time together tonight.

Alter Ego: What’s that?

Ego: I like this better.

Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day

             (At a café table)

Friend 2: – so now we all have to work overtime again hoping we at least break even, and I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.

Friend 1: Really?  But you’ve been there for years.

Friend 2: I know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.

Friend 1: Know the feeling.

(They both sip their drinks in companionable silence)

Friend 2: So!  Yesterday must’ve been rough for you, huh.

Friend 1: In what way?

Friend 2: Wasn’t it Ash Wednesday?

Friend 1: Oh!  That.  Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and skipped the rest.  Although, I restrained myself and did not have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.

Friend 2: Yeah, but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!

Friend 2: Yeah, somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.  And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.

Friend 1: (Still staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was yesterday?!

Friend 2: Yeah, how could you miss it?  All the stuff for it was on sale the day after Christmas.

Friend 1: But – but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!  What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love holiday of the year?!

Friend 2: You can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be fine.

Friend 1: No, don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of deprivation?!  Mardi Gras was right there too and I blew it!  (Sinks head onto the table and groans in annoyance)

Friend 2: (Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch tonight, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up again) Yes!

Friend 2: Ohhh-kaaaay….

(At Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter) And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  (Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.  (Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)

[Dream]

Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment) Whoo!  That was an obnoxious day.

Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove) I’ll bet.  So, you got something for me?

Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?

Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!

Friend 1a: That’s today?!

Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!

Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!

Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical calendar complication slipped your notice as well.

Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get some chocolate candy now!

Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!

Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just got home from work!

Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!  You never think about my needs; it’s always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!

Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair) What am I gonna do?!  One of the few times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now that I missed it by one day I’ve gotta wait another 46 before happiness is mine again!

Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for 9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.

Friend 1a: What about Halloween?

Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!  This is, and you clearly don’t love me!

Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

Friend 1b: Aha!  There it is: the inevitable resentment buried within the essence of supposed “true love.”  I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!

Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?

Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have all the chocolate heart boxes that go on sale later this week, and all the chocolate bunnies and all the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!  (Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake up)

[/Dream]

Friend 1: Wow.  Good thing I’m not in a relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.

Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

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             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

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 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

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 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”