Story 614: When the Cat Takes Over the Christmas Tree

             In a break from my routine of sleeping-eating-napping-eating-resting-playing-eating-sleeping-napping-sleeping-training the servants-sleeping-deeper sleeping-relaxing, the servants have suddenly installed a new object for my entertainment.  At first glance, I thought it was one of those outdoor prey towers – the trunk and needles were a clever ruse – but one whiff revealed the lie.  Whatever it is, it imitates Nature but is in itself Unnatural; the servants may have fooled themselves, but not me.  Never me.  Still – can’t turn down an opportunity to ascend the highest heights, so up I climb….

Parent 1: Honey, have you seen the cat?

Parent 2: Not lately; did you check behind the couch?

Parent 1: Yeah, and also the backs of the closets – nothing.

Parent 2: Well, she couldn’t have gotten out, so just let’s start decorating the Christmas tree and she’ll eventually turn up to play with the tissue paper.

From my strategic position near the top of this so-called “tree”, I observe the servants below adding oddly-shaped items to the branches.  This all seems familiar, although I can’t specifically recall seeing them do this before.  Then again, I can’t specifically recall seeing anything before, so that isn’t too concerning.

Parent 1: Heh, remember this ornament?

Parent 2: Oh yeah, that was from our trip last summer.

Parent 1: …It was three summers ago.

Parent 2: Really?... Oh yeah, I guess it was.  Well, there goes my life.

Little do they know that I wait in the recesses of this tower as they come closer and closer with their baubles – soon, if I am patient, those treasures will be mine.

Parent 2: You think we should leave off some stuff this year?  I feel like we get more and more ornaments but less and less tree.

Parent 1: Nah, that’s a slippery slope: you leave off some ornaments one year, and soon enough it’s entire boxes that sit unopened year after year after year.

Parent 2: I guess, but at some point I start wondering if there are so many that they’re smothering the lights and creating a fire hazard.

Parent 1: That’s a good point…. Remember the bubble lights we had back in the day?  Talk about a hazard.

Parent 2: Yeah, but they were also strangely soothing.

The bipeds have overcome their literal shortcomings by artificially increasing their height with a metal contraption, and are now encroaching onto my territory – the treasures start to invade my space – I must assert my dominance now or be forever oppressed by these creatures –

Parent 1: Aaaaaahhhhh!!!!

Parent 2: Whoa, careful on the ladder!  What happened?!

Parent 1: …I found the cat.

Parent 2: What?  Ohhhhh, how’d you get in there, sweetie?  Here, let me get you out of all that, you widdle sugar plum dumpling baby!  Now, let’s go riiiiiiiight over to your food, and stay out of that big ol’ tree – we wouldn’t want you breaking anything or hurting yourself, would we, cuddle-pie?

Parent 1: Almost gave me a heart attack.  How’d she get all the way up there without us seeing?

Parent 2: Who knows?  They can get in the highest and the tightest spaces without disturbing a thing – I just don’t want her getting stuck in there or knocking stuff off or, perish the thought, knocking the whole tree over.

Parent 1: Ugh, could you imagine the mess?  Definitely would take me out of the holiday spirit having to clean that up.

As I gnaw on these bland rocks they dare to present to me as “food”, I unobtrusively monitor their progress in covering the “tree” with artificial nonsense, and plot my revenge.  Yes – while they sleep – that is when I will summit the monolith and declare my victory over their feeble attempts at usurping my authority.

That star at the top will be the first to go.

Story 565: Raking the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves

 SUNDAY MORNING

           (Homeowner 1 opens the front door of a house, takes in a deep breath of the crisp autumn air, and exhales with a smile)

Homeowner 1: (Partially turning to yell indoors) Honey?

Homeowner 2: (From somewhere deep inside the house) Yeah?

Homeowner 1: I’m gonna go rake the leaves!

Homeowner 2: All right, have fun.  Oh, could you also make sure the gutters are cleared out before you stop for the day, please?  I don’t want a repeat of last year.

Homeowner 1: Consider it done!  (Exits the house, grabs a sturdy rake, several large brown paper bags, and a garbage can, and hauls them to the edge of the leaf-carpeted lawn) At last we meet on the field of battle.  (Looks up at one of the trees on the lawn that still has leaves clinging to the branches, and shakes a fist at it in defiance) Do your worst, foul fiend!

Tree 1: <Buffoon.  Humans always make more work for themselves when if they had just let Nature take its course, this would all be fine for the ground and gone by spring.>

Tree 2: (Across the lawn) <Well, we all know that most of them are lacking the basic instructions on planet stewardship, so we really can’t expect much intuitive knowledge on that front now can we?>

Tree 1: <I suppose not.>

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, speaking to the fallen leaves) You will not defeat me!

Tree 1: <They certainly are entertaining, though.>

SUNDAY AFTERNOON

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Still raking frantically, in a different section of the front lawn) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: I paid all the bills and made an apple pie – you wanna take a break and have lunch or something?

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to wipe sweat from brow) Nope!  Thanks, but I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Glances over at the growing leaf pile) Maybe you should start bagging those.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses again to look at the pile that is almost at eye level, then shakes head) Later – I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: All right, then.  (Closes the front door) Whatever floats your boat.  (Goes into the kitchen and digs into the pie).

(Homeowner 1 continues to rake frantically at a steady pace as three neighborhood kids pull up to the curb on their bikes)

Kid 1: Hey, nice leaf pile.

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly) Thank you!  (Resumes raking)

Kid 2: You mind if we jump in it?

Homeowner 1: (Without stopping) Go right ahead!  (Gestures to the opposite side of the large pile) Plenty of room for you all to romp!

Kid 3: Awesome!

(As they dismount, Kid 1 whistles and waves toward the end of the street; about 20 more kids ride up and dismount, and they all jump into the huge pile at different levels)

Kid 4: (Partially climbs up Tree 2 to jump onto the top of the pile) YIPPEE!  [WHOMP]

Tree 2: <I feel like I should be insulted, but no harm done I suppose.>

Homeowner 1: (Pauses briefly to beam over the spectacle) And just like that, I’ve become the cool neighbor.  (Doubles the raking speed)

SUNDAY EVENING

Homeowner 2: (Opens the front door and stands in the entrance) Honey?

Homeowner 1: (Raking frantically, now on the far side of the lawn; the neighborhood kids have long since left, and the Sun is setting) Yeah?

Homeowner 2: You wanna come in for dinner?

Homeowner 1: I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: You’ll have raked the entire neighborhood at this rate.

Homeowner 1: (Stops to look at the pile, which is now 10 feet tall and 7 feet wide) Are you kidding?  This is just from the trees on our lawn, not even counting the imports – I never knew they could shed so much, and there’s still more up there!  (Resumes raking)

Tree 1: <Heh-heh-heh.>

Homeowner 2: Well, make sure you come in some time tonight, then.

Homeowner 1: I still gotta do the gutters after this!

Homeowner 2: The gutters can wait.

Homeowner 1: Oh good, `cause I’m on a roll!

Homeowner 2: (Sighs) Good night.  (Closes the front door)

Homeowner 1: (Intensely focused on raking; mutters to the leaves) I have you now….

SATURDAY MORNING

(Several news vans, reporters, crews, and neighbors mass around the front of Homeowner 1’s and 2’s property, surrounding the centerpiece that is the gigantic leaf pile in the center of the lawn)

Reporter: (Addressing a camera over the sound of a nearby leaf blower and in front of kids lined up to jump onto and into the leaf pile) We’re coming to you live from Smalltown, USA, where behind me you can see what could possibly be the new record holder for the World’s Largest Pile of Leaves at an astounding – (Is handed a piece of paper from a crew member, who also is holding a large ruler) 55 feet and 10 inches high, 21 feet and 3 inches wide, and growing.  My goodness.

(The camera swings over to Homeowner 1, who is raking frantically from the backyard to the front as Homeowner 2 watches helplessly)

Homeowner 1: (To Homeowner 2) You know there’re always more back here!  (Rakes uninterrupted)

Reporter: (To the camera as Homeowner 2 approaches the news crew) We have been unable to speak just yet with the homeowner now known affectionately as “The Raker” due to the work in progress, but perhaps we can get an interview with the other party on the scene.  (To Homeowner 2) Excuse me, could we have a few words for the viewers at home?

Homeowner 2: Sure.  Normally I’d cuss you all out for invasion of privacy and say you’re just encouraging him, but I don’t think he even noticed you’re here so go ahead.

Reporter: Thank you.  Tell me, do you think an end is in sight soon for this amazing pile of arboreal detritus, or will it continue to grow indefinitely until it has consumed the entire neighborhood, and possibly beyond?

Homeowner 2: I don’t know what to think anymore!  I want my lawn back!  (Is distracted by the leaf blower increasing in volume; turns along with the camera to see a neighbor blowing leaves from an adjoining property onto theirs and smiling) WILL YOU CUT THAT OUT??!!  (The neighbor skedaddles; turns with the camera back to Reporter) You see what I mean?!  Between stuff like that, kids jumping in and out of the pile at all hours of the day and night, and all sorts of creatures deciding this is a condominium built just them, I curse the day that pile was first created, you hear me, I curse it!

Reporter: (Nods in sympathy) Understandable.  And your concerns for The Raker?

Homeowner 2: He started this nightmare – he can finish it!  I’m moving!  (Runs back into the house and slams the front door)

Reporter: (Turns back to the camera as Homeowner 1 dumps a mini-pile onto the main attraction) There you have it, folks: dedication, or obsession?  You decide.  (Notices that Homeowner 1 has returned to the front lawn) Ooh, let’s see if we can get a quote from the source.  (Reporter and the camera approach Homeowner 1) Excuse me!  (Homeowner 1 briefly looks up, then resumes raking frantically I was wondering if there was anything you’d like to say on the record regarding your… endeavor?

Homeowner 1: (Eyes blazing with fervor, rakes even faster) I’M ON A ROLL!

Reporter: (Back to the camera as raking, pile-jumping, and Homeowner 2-leaving continue in the background) “On a roll”, indeed.  Thank you for joining us today, and after what we’ve just witnessed, please: Rake Responsibly.