Story 570: New Year, New Meh

            (On a park bench on a clear, cold day, Friend 1 sits staring into space)

Friend 2: (Finishes a run, then sits next to Friend 1) So: any reason why you’re not at least attempting to get some exercise today?  I thought one of your New Year’s resolutions was to have healthier habits or something like that.

Friend 1: Oh, it was.

Friend 2: And?

Friend 1: And then I realized: what’s the point?

Friend 2: …Better health?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Longer life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: …Better life?

Friend 1: For what?

Friend 2: Listen, you’re getting on a morbid track here and it’s bumming me out.  Are you feeling all right?

Friend 1: (Finally turns to Friend 2) No, actually: as I stare down the waterslide that is January 2 of a new year, the futility of human endeavors has hit me like a figurative and literal sledgehammer, and I have lost the drive to exercise.  Or move in general.

Friend 2: With anyone else, I’d say you sound like you may have clinical depression and should speak with a mental health professional about how you’re feeling – however, since this is you, I know you’re just being overly dramatic and need to knock it off.

Friend 1: You’re right, but for some reason it’s taking a bit longer than usual to blow over, so bear with me.

Friend 2: (Stands abruptly) Nope!  This is a beautiful day, the start of a new year, where you have so many blessings in your life and whatever you wish was different is in your power to change, and I refuse to waste another second of my precious time on Earth listening to your faux pontifications on how meaningless it all is when I know they’re only symptoms of your self-inflicted boredom.  (Takes a candy bar out of a coat pocket and tosses it to Friend 1) Here – (Friend 1 catches the bar) have some chocolate: it seems to be your go-to for everything else, so it should help out now; I’m out.  (Resumes running)

Friend 1: (Stares at the candy bar for a few moments, slowly unwraps it, takes a bite, and chews thoughtfully while looking out at the ducks paddling around in a nearby pond, the bare trees swaying gently in the wind, the other human parkgoers walking, playing, or relaxing, and the grass hibernating) Worth it.

Story 569: The Pre-New Year Lull

             “Well, that’s it: the ordeal known as The Most Wonderful Time of the Year is finally over, and now at last there is peace on my Earth, and goodwill toward me.”

“That’s the spirit.  So, you gonna relax now that you’re done with entertaining all the relatives?”

“And leave this mess?!”

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“You know, I had to run around so much visiting everyone for Christmas and Hanukkah parties this year that it’s actually more relaxing to go back to work.”

“I agree: between visiting the kids, the grandkids, the in-laws, and the divorced relatives I still like, I think I tacked 100,000 miles on the car in the space of two days – it’s a phenomenon.”

“I wouldn’t know: I had to take buses, trains, and cabs everywhere.”

[Mutual shudder]

“Yeah, I’ll take driving in bumper-to-bumper traffic over riding with strangers any day.”

“I wish I had that option.  Anyway, after all the hullabaloo of mass transportation and making merry with everyone I’ve ever met in my life, I’m now going to spend my off-hours lounging around doing absolutely nothing.  Figure I should recover just in time for summer.”

“Good on you.  So, any New Year’s Eve parties you got planned for tomorrow night?”

“…NEW YEAR’S EVE IS TOMORROW NIGHT???!!!”

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“If I even see another baked good, candy cane, roasted roast, or cup of hot cocoa with those cute little marshmallows on top, I will literally burst at the seams.”

“Ew.”

“I know; I feel that gross right now.  I keep telling myself I won’t overdo it this year, but I’m usually saying that in my brain right as my hands are piling up the second plate of appetizers, so it’s already a lost cause at that point.”

“I hear ya: I’m hoping this constantly full feeling for the next two weeks will finally drive home the lesson not to do that ever again, and remind me to send a donation to the local food bank.  The lesson part probably will fail, but hope springs eternal.”

“Nice.”

“You gonna try the diet again this New Year?”

“You know it: healthier food, more water throughout the day, and home workouts with outdoor walk, weather-permitting.”

“That’s great!... Whaaaaat are you doing?”

“January 1 is only a few days away, and if I don’t eat these homemade cookies now they’ll go bad and it’ll be such a waste!”

“….”

“….”

“Need some help with those?”

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“So we’ve got a few days left – make any New Year’s resolutions?”

“A few; my usual.”

“Really?  What are they?”

“If I tell you, they won’t come true!”

“That’s birthday wishes – resolutions are all on you.”

“Oh.  Right.”

“Well?”

“Oh, I usually resolve to be kinder, more patient, more generous with my time and help, that sort of thing.”

“That’s nice.”

“Yeah, it lasts for about five seconds and then I lose my temper and don’t want to help anybody, so my New Year looks like my Old Year almost immediately.”

“Bummer.  Maybe work on that next year.”

“Very funny.  What about you?”

“Oh, I resolve to enjoy the last days of the waning year as we straddle the nebulous not-quite-this-year/not-quite-next-year zone, which means I can do whatever I want and it won’t count because the year’s almost-but-not-yet-over.”

“Ohhhhhh-kaaaaaay, but what about your resolutions for next year?”

“That’s future me’s problem – present me wants to watch this year slowly crash into the next, like a stellar collision of time.”

“So, basically, no resolutions to be a better person.”

“Exactly.  Happy Old Year!”

Story 472: New Year, New Me, New Everything

NEW YEAR’S EVE

 “That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to start that big project I keep saying I’m going to start but never do!”

“That’s great!  Good luck!”                     

“I don’t need luck!  I have motivation!”

“OK.”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooo-hoooo!!!  First-time project completion, here I come!”

“So, you gonna start that on Tuesday, then?”

“…First-time-project-starting-in-the-New-Year, here I come!”

“Hm.”

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to broaden my narrow horizons and take that big trip I’ve been wanting to take my entire life!”

“That’s great!  How’d your big project go?”

“What’s that?”

“The big project you’d resolved to start at the beginning of this year.”

“Oh!  Oh that.  Well….”

“Yes?”

“I started it.”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooooooo-hoooooooo!!!!  Big trip, here I come!”

“Got a travel agent yet?”

“Dooooo I need one?”

“For a big trip, one would help.  Especially when it’s you who’s going.”

“Sounds like extra work I don’t wanna do – I’m just gonna take off from here and land smack-dab there, yippee!!”

“Oh dear.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!  This New Year, I’m finally going to sculpt myself into the glorious being I’ve always wanted to be!”

“That’s great!  So, how’d your big trip go?”

“Oh, that.  It didn’t: way too expensive, plus I didn’t really feel like, you know, doing all that stuff that goes with it, like walking through towns and seeing museums and appreciating new cultures and all.”

“Seriously?!”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Woooooooooo-hoooooooooo!!!!!  New Year, New Me, New Everything, here I come!”

“OK, so for this year, are you joining a gym or an online workout program or what?”

“What?”

“You said you’re going to sculpt yourself into the glorious being you’ve always wanted to be, so how are you going to actually do it?”

“Simple: I’m going to will myself into perfect shape, easy-peasy!”

“Never mind.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE

“That’s it!”

“Here we go.”

“This New Year, no more resolutions that I can never keep for some reason!  About three months ago, I resolved to call and visit my family and friends much more than I have lately, and instead of waiting until January 1^st to eventually not do it, I started then and there and it’s worked like a charm!  People actually started liking me again.”

“Wow, that’s… great!  Good for you not waiting for some arbitrary date on an arbitrary calendar to change your life, and just going ahead and changing it as soon as you have the chance!”

“3 – 2 – 1 – HAPPY NEW YEAR!”

“Wooooooooooooo-hooooooooooooo!!!!!!!  Calling and visiting my – wait a minute, I’m already doing that.”

“Yes!  It’s wonderful!”

“So what’s the point of celebrating New Year then?”

“So we all can feel mentally exhausted together.”

Story 422: Next Year Will Be Different

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Why?

Partygoer 1: …`Cause it’s a new year!  New beginnings, new starts, new initiatives!

Partygoer 2: That’s three ways to say the same thing, and it’ll be none of them.

Partygoer 1: Huh?

Partygoer 2: It’s just another day – the same problems you have right now won’t magically disappear because some arbitrary, human-made, time-telling device says we’ve started a new round of trying to organize the variable, location-dependent seasons into something our puny brains can comprehend.  The only actual real-world impact from tonight is that the Earth has reached the same spot in its orbit where it was last year, which we do every day anyway.  The whole thing is pretty meaningless when you think about it.

Partygoer 1: (Blinks)

Partygoer 2: (Blinks back)

Partygoer 1: Why are you even at this party?

Partygoer 2: Free booze.  (Slurps drink)

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: Woo-boo!  (Throws glitter into the air and spins a noisemaker; to Partygoer 2) You’ll see: next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: Don’t you mean this year now?

Partygoer 1: Oh.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: You again, I see.  So was this year any different from last year?

Partygoer 1: It sure was!  I got a new job and a new house!

Partygoer 2: Wow, that certainly is different.

Partygoer 1: Darn tootin’!  (Spins noisemaker)

Partygoer 2: So: new job to drain your soul and new expenses to drain your bank account?

Partygoer 1: (Looks around shiftily while sipping from a martini glass) Maybe.

Partygoer 2: So: next year you don’t want new beginnings, etc., etc., right?  You already got all that this year so next year shouldn’t be different, right?

Partygoer 1: Well….

Partygoer 2: Go on.

Partygoer 1: I would like a new boss – my current one apparently is an escaped demon.

Partygoer 2: Ah, one of those.

Partygoer 1: And I would like better neighbors – and my mortgage interest rate to go down – and that weird leak to go away – and better –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 2: Whelp, it’s a new year now: time for everything to automatically change no matter what.

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker frantically) Woooo-hooooo!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: (Slurps the free booze) You tell `em.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

 (At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: (On crutches) It’s almost midnight, the beginning of a new year, I can’t wait!

Partygoer 2: Good heavens, you look awful.  How’s life treating you now?

Partygoer 1: Well, not so great, actually: I keep getting weird injuries; a few relatives passed away; demon boss hired a demon coworker for me to play with; half of my new house collapsed – you know, the usual.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Swings noisemaker with one hand while holding onto crutches with the other) Wooooooo-hooooooo!!!!!  Next year will be different!

Partygoer 2: I don’t doubt it.

 NEW YEAR’S EVE

(At a large building transformed into a party hall)

Partygoer 1: It’s –

Partygoer 2: Come off it, mate; it’s just me here.

Partygoer 1: Oh right, never mind.

Partygoer 2: At least the crutches are gone now.

Partygoer 1: Only because both knees’ve been replaced.

Partygoer 2: Ouch.

Partygoer 1: Yeah; I was out from work for two months with all that so demon boss had time to turn the rest of the office against me and promote demon coworker, who is now demon boss #2.

Partygoer 2: Ew.

Partygoer 1: Still, I have a job, and the house repairs are coming along, even though I’m still technically only living in half of it.

Partygoer 2: Is that so.

Partygoer 1: Ooh, ooh, I almost forgot – I won the lotto this year!

Partygoer 2: Well, that’s great.

Partygoer 1: Yeah!  Except after taxes it was only about, you know, five bucks.  But it felt nice.

Partygoer 2: I see.

Partygoer 1: It’s funny, all these years and I’ve never asked: how’s your year been?

Partygoer 2: Oh, the same as last year, and the year before that, and the year before that, and –

Partygoers 3-500: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Partygoer 1: (Spins noisemaker until the top half flies off) WOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Partygoer 2: – but I’m sure next year will be different.