FRIDAY
EVENING
(In a living
room, Sibling 2 is following along with an online workout video playing on a laptop
propped up on the couch)
Trainer: (In
time with swinging a giant kettlebell) All right! – You got this! – Just one! –
More minute!
Sibling 2:
(Swinging a much smaller kettlebell) I thought – you said that – five minutes –
ago –
(One minute
later, a timer on the video “DING!”s and Trainer stops swinging)
Trainer: (Gently
sets down the kettlebell and claps enthusiastically through the sweat)
WHOO-HOO!! You made it! I’m so proud of you, I could cry! Time to cool down. (Collapses onto a mat and full-body stretches
for a long time)
Sibling 2:
(Still swinging the kettlebell on autopilot) I – can’t – stop –
(Later that
night, Sibling 2 lies down in bed to sleep)
Sibling 2:
(Lying back onto the pillow) Ahhh, there’s nothing like resting after a
self-satisfying workout. It could’ve
gone better, but it also could’ve gone much worse. (Smiles while closing eyes and takes a deep
breath; eyes fly open with a sudden back spasm) Uh-oh.
SUNDAY MORNING
(Sibling 1 calls
Sibling 2, holding the phone between head and shoulder while putting away
breakfast items)
Sibling 2:
(Answers after a few moments of an open line, sounding strained and a little
muffled) `Ellllooo?
Sibling 1: Hey,
I found myself with a Sunday where I actually have nothing planned – wanna go
bike riding in the park?
Sibling 2: Since
when do you bike ride? Again?
Sibling 1:
(Brushing teeth in the bathroom) Yeah, I know, it’s been a minute, but if not
now, when, know-what-I-mean? Figured the
ol’ legs should still be up for it, right?
(Swishes and spits into the sink) So: you in?
Sibling 2:
Thanks, but… I’llll have to pass… on that….
Sibling 1:
(Stops while tying shoes near the front door) Are you OK?
Sibling 2: Not…
really….
Sibling 1:
(Walks to the living room and starts pacing) You sound like you’re lying on the
floor – what happened?
Sibling 2:
(Lying on the living room floor in child’s pose with arms next to the sides and
two ice packs strapped to the back; the phone also is on the floor, on speaker,
next to Sibling 2’s mouth that is smushed up against the laminate) Well, you
remember the kettlebell I got and never used?
Sibling 1: …No.
Sibling 2: Of
course. Anyway, it’s only 10 lbs and I
use heavier dumbbells all the time –
Sibling 1: What,
like 15 lbs?
Sibling 2: Shush
– I’m all the way up to a whopping 25 now.
Sibling 1: Good
for you! Anyway?
Sibling 2:
Anyway, I found a kettlebell workout series online, so I figured, “Why
not?” So I finally used it.
Sibling 1: And?
Sibling 2: And,
do you know how much swinging a kettlebell is involved in a kettlebell workout?
Sibling 1: All
of it, I’m guessing.
Sibling 2: Not
on this one – I actually wound up with the dumbbells for most of it since they
were heavier; the swinging was intermittent.
Sibling 1: OK,
sure, and?
Sibling 2: And
the swinging got longer and longer with each session. By Session 5, there was lots and lots and
lots of it. So much, that I think I
broke something.
Sibling 1:
(Stops pacing and gasps) The TV?!
Sibling 2: No,
not the TV! My back!
Sibling 1:
(Gasps louder) You broke your back?!
Sibling 2: No,
I’d be talking to you from a hospital if I did that! What I meant was, I think all that swinging
strained my back, and now it’s spasming all over the place.
Sibling 1: Oh
no, can you even walk?
Sibling 2:
(Slowly sits back onto heels) Yesss, I can walk, I can bend down, I can reach
up – I just get these sudden pains that threaten to topple me over. (Freezes and grabs lower back) Like just now.
Sibling 1:
Ouch. You try ice or something?
Sibling 2:
(Taking off the ice packs) I tried everything: ice, heat, twisting,
stretching, massaging, yoga videos specifically targeting back pain, the
works. It hasn’t gotten better since it
started Friday night, and in some ways, I think it’s gotten worse. And now I’m afraid to go into the office
tomorrow and face-plant on the way to my desk.
Sibling 1: Have
you fallen down yet?
Sibling 2: Not
yet, but I’m sure it’ll come when I least expect it. Probably when I’m outside so all my neighbors
can watch.
Sibling 1: (Nods
with brow furrowed in thought) OK… OK… I’m coming over – I’ve got an idea.
Sibling 2:
(Grabs the phone from the floor and takes it off speaker) Oh no, thanks but I’m
gonna go to a doctor in a few days if this hasn’t cleared up by then –
Sibling 1:
(Grabs keys and sunglasses and breezes out the front door) Nope! They’ll just prescribe physical therapy and
once you’re there, YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE.
Sibling 2:
(Slowly stands and walks to the kitchen to lean against a counter) That’s not a
bad thing; it helps a lot of people –
Sibling 1:
(Hopping into a car) I bet, but not in this case! Be there in five! (Ends the call, tosses the phone onto the
passenger seat, and zooms away)
Sibling 2:
(Holds out the silent phone to stare at for a moment) You live 20 minutes away!
FIFTEEN MINUTES LATER
(Sibling 2 opens
the front door to Sibling 1)
Sibling 1:
(Stares agape at Sibling 2 wearing pajamas and slippers) You’re not ready to
go?!
Sibling 2: Go
where?
Sibling 1: Oh, I
forgot to mention: I know someone.
Sibling 2: Don’t
we all.
Sibling 1:
Someone who can help.
Sibling 2:
(Steps back for Sibling 1 to enter and shuts the door) Who, an acupuncturist?
Sibling 1:
(Takes off sunglasses) Better – put on some comfortable clothes and shoes and
let’s go.
Sibling 2:
(Sighs) I’m sure I’m going to regret this.
(Shuffles to the bedroom, closes the door, and a significant time later
emerges wearing a T-shirt and gym pants; shuffles back to the front door, then slowly
and gingerly sits on the floor to put on sneakers)
Sibling 1:
(Staring the entire time) Wow, you weren’t kidding – you’re moving like an old
person.
Sibling 2:
(Stops mid-lacing to stare at Sibling 1) That’s just rude on so many
levels. (Sibling 1 looks mildly abashed)
But I am feeling it right now.
(They slowly
leave the house and get into the car, and Sibling 1 drives away)
Sibling 1: We’ll
be there soon and this’ll all go away, no sweat.
Sibling 2: (Fiddling
with control panel buttons) Sure, sure – hey, how do you turn on the seat
warmer in this thing?
Sibling 1:
(Accelerating on the highway) It’s over 90°F out.
Sibling 2: I
NEED IT!
(At a slightly
rundown office complex, Siblings 1 and 2 park as close as possible to one of
the entrances and gently walk inside a former warehouse that was turned into a
training center)
Sibling 1:
(Holding a steadying hand out to Sibling 2) You OK? Need an arm or something?
Sibling 2: Nah,
I should be fine as long as the ground is level. (Winces and freezes while stepping over the
threshold)
Sibling 1: (Roughly
grabs Sibling 2’s arm) Don’t worry, I’ve got you!
Sibling 2:
(Holding onto the doorframe with the other arm; through gritted teeth) I
appreciate it, but do that again and we’re both gonna wind up on the floor.
Sibling 1: (Lets
go) Sorry. Don’t know my own strength!
Sibling 2: I
wouldn’t call it that.
(They slowly
walk into the center, which is a large open space ringed by workout equipment)
Sibling 1:
(Greeting the only person there, who walks toward them) Hey! Thanks for squeezing us in today!
Sibling 2: (Leans
toward Sibling 1; in a low voice) There’s no one else here….
Owner: (Shakes
Sibling 1’s hand) No worries, there’re only classes here on Sundays so we have
about – (Checks a watch) 20 minutes before the next one. (To Sibling 2) So, you’re the one with the
bad back?
Sibling 2: It’s
not a bad back, it’s normally fine, just – (Grabs it in a sudden spasm)
strained right now, that’s all.
Owner: (Nods
knowingly) Mm-hm – office worker?
Sibling 2: Huh?
Owner: Sit at
your desk all day?
Sibling 2:
That’s not – this was from an intense kettlebell workout, OK!
Owner: (Nods
knowingly) Mm-hm.
Sibling 2: I
move around all day, you know!
I get up at least every 20 minutes, I walk almost everywhere, I exercise
three times a week, I do yoga, I drink plenty of water, I get plenty of sleep –
don’t judge me as a sedentary do-nothing!
Owner: (Nods
knowingly) Mm-hm. You don’t have to give
an exact number, but you’re over 30 years old, correct?
Sibling 2: (To
Sibling 1) I’m outta here. (Turns to
leave, has a spasm, and freezes in place)
Owner: (Flanking
Sibling 2 with Sibling 1) You want this to go away and get your very
active life back, yes?
Sibling 2: (Eyes
squeezed shut and lips tucked in; nods quickly) Mm-hm!
Owner: Come with
me, then. (Gently takes one of Sibling
2’s arms, slowly turns around the latter, and all three gradually make their
way to a long metal table on the other end of the training center) Now: lie
down, please.
Sibling 2: Wait,
don’t I need to fill out some forms first or something?
Owner:
(Chuckles) Not for this! I’ve seen all I
need to know.
Sibling 2:
Oh-kaay…. (Lies back onto the table) Ooh, the cold feels good.
Owner: That’s
nice – turn over, please.
Sibling 2:
Oh. OK.
(Slowly turns onto stomach; beckons for Sibling 1 to lean down and
mutters) Keep an eye everything, would you?
Sibling 1: (As
Owner takes off sneakers and socks) Don’t you worry, I’ll be right here beside
you the entire time!
Sibling 2:
Thanks – (Owner lithely hops onto the table and steps onto Sibling 2’s back)
Oof!
Owner: Please
remain still and relaxed whilst my full body weight is concentrated upon the
muscles surrounding your sacrum. (Starts
carefully walking around Sibling 2’s lower back, wriggling toes in certain
spots to massage that area)
Sibling 2:
(Gripping straps attached to the table) I don’t know if this hurts or not….
Sibling 1:
(Holds out a hand) I can take the pain – wanna crush my hand until it’s over?
Sibling 2:
(Stares at the hand) …I’m seriously thinking about it.
(After a few
minutes, Owner steps off Sibling 2 and lithely hops off the table)
Owner:
There! All done! You can sit up now. (Sibling 2 slowly sits on the edge of the
table) How do you feel?
Sibling 2: (Rubs
lower back) I’m… not sure….
Owner: Try
standing and twisting a bit.
Sibling 2:
(Plants feet on the floor and slowly twists from side to side) It seems… OK,
but the spasms usually come out of nowhere anyway.
Owner: (Puts
socks and sneakers back on) That’s normal, but you may find you’ll have fewer
and fewer of them now, if any at all.
It’s my patented technique that I share with no one: what I did just now
should permanently heal all of your current muscle issues. On the off-chance it didn’t though, come back
in a few days and we’ll try my other patented technique. (Affectionally pats one of the straps that
Sibling 2 was gripping earlier and gestures to another pair of straps that are
at the other end of the table, which are now seen to be arm and leg restraints
attached to resistance bands; the restraints are welded to the table and the
straps are welded to the nearby wall) We here unofficially refer to this as
“The Rack”, but we’re aware that that can come off as a bit… insensitive.
Sibling 2:
(Stares for a few moments at the restraints with Sibling 1; suddenly back to
Owner) No, I think I’m good – I’ll let you know if I need another… standing
session, but I think you made my back feel better for now, so thanks, we’ll be
leaving.
Owner: Glad to
hear it! (All three look toward the
entrance as people in workout clothes start to come in) Well, it looks like my
next class is here, so please call us if you’d like to join as a member. (Smiling, takes out a card to give to Sibling
2 and then shakes the latter’s hand) All are welcome. (Shakes Sibling 1’s hand) I’ll be sending you
the bill. Bye! (Waves at both and jogs to the entrance to
greet the class)
Sibling 2: (To a
shocked Sibling 1) You can send me the bill.
Sibling 1:
(Shakes head to clear it) Yeah, sorry, I thought it would be one of those “The
first one’s free” deals.
Sibling 2:
(Pocketing the card) Ha, never.
Sibling 1: So,
how’s your back feel?
Sibling 2:
(Twists again several more times) You know, I don’t want to jinx it, but it really
may be better now.
Sibling 1: (As
they both walk back to the main entrance past the incoming crowd) That’s great! I’m so glad when something actually works!
Sibling 2:
(Stops suddenly and turns to Sibling 1) Question I was too distracted to ask
earlier: (Points a thumb over at Owner with the class) What is that one licensed
in for this place, anyway?
Sibling 1: …Gym…
ology?
Sibling 2: (As
they both start walking to the main entrance again) Yeah, next time, I’m going
to an actual doctor first, physical therapy and all.
Sibling 1:
Really? Even with this miracle cure?
Sibling 2: Especially
with this miracle cure. Nothing’s ever
that easy.
Sibling 1: Well,
you have a little bit of a point with that.
Sibling 2: (Amused)
Oh, really? How so?
Sibling 1: (As
they get back into the car) If I’d’ve known that was all you needed, I could’ve
saved you the trouble and stood on your back for free!
Sibling 2: I’d
rather you didn’t.