Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.

Story 496: Taking a Toll

(In the middle of parkway traffic)

Friend 1: (Crawling along with the rest of the cars and singing along with the wrong lyrics on the radio) <You thrill up my clean-ses/Go thrill me agaaaaain!/Moo-moo-moo-moo-moo-mooooo-mooooo – > (Is interrupted by the cell phone ringing; turns off the radio and answers the call on speaker) Yellll-oh?

Friend 2: (Calling from a living room, surrounded by relatives and appetizers) Hey, just checking – did you make it to your parents’ house all right for Father’s Day?

Friend 1: (Brightly) I did not, so I’m heading there as we speak!

Friend 2: What?  Why didn’t you go there last night like you said you were?  If you’re on the parkway now, you’re going to get there in time to turn around and go home!

Friend 1: Well… life interfered and determined that I leave today instead of yesterday, so I yielded to the whims of fate.

Friend 2: You forgot you were supposed to leave last night instead of this afternoon.

Friend 1: …Yes.  I assume you did not.  Forget, I mean.

Friend 2: Are you kidding?  Whenever there’s a Sunday holiday I always get to my parents’ house by Thursday the latest.  Does a number on my days off from work, but well worth it.

Friend 1: (As the road begins to curve) Ah, hold that thought: toll booth coming up, and I never start out in the right lane since they always literally throw in a curve!

Friend 2: So, you finally break down and get Quick Ticket yet?

Friend 1: Why? This is one of the few times of the year I’m on the parkway; why should yet another company have my credit card on file, especially for something I rarely use?  Who do they think they are, The Gym?!

Friend 2: I think toll rates were raised again so you’d better have enough change, then.

Friend 1: Nonsense: I’m not the only old-school driver out here who’ll have larger bills needing breaking – gotta support the few toll attendants left, am-I-right?

Friend 2: It’s just that the amounts are a bit different now –

Friend 1: (Pulls up to a cash toll booth) Noted!  (To Toll Attendant 1) Greetings, fellow worker; this should justify your position to those out-of-touch corporate honchos for another day.  (Holds out a $20 bill)

Toll Attendant 1: (Softly sighs) That’s the 80^th 20 I’ve gotten today – do you happen to have exact change, or at least the coins, please?

Friend 1: Huh?  (Toll Attendant 1 points to a sign listing the toll amount) Three dollars AND 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I curse the day that amount was assigned to this plaza.

Friend 1: So do I!  (Rummages through wallet) How in the blazes did they decide on 15 CENTS?!

Toll Attendant 1: I suppose I should be thankful that the total ends in a five instead of any number other than zero – but I’m not.

Friend 1: I’ll say.  (Horns from the cars in line start blaring as Friend 1 hands over two $1 bills, several quarters, and a dime)

Toll Attendant 1: (Counts through the spread) Still need a nickel, please.               

Friend 1: Oh, sorry, thought it worked out with the quarters.  (Counts out five pennies and starts handing them over) Good thing you all still take pennies – whoops!  (Drops three pennies onto the road in mid-transfer)

Toll Attendant 1: Oy.

Friend 1: (Unbuckles seatbelt, opens the car door, and starts picking up the coins; as the car horns blare louder and longer, Friend 1 hands over the pennies and turns to face the honking cars) BABIES!

Toll Attendant 1: (Enters change into the register) Thank you – have a nice day, what’s left of it.

Friend 1: (Re-enters the car and rebuckles the belt) You as well; I don’t know how you stand it.

Toll Attendant 1: I don’t either.

(Friend 1 advances 30 feet before having to slow down to 4 mph again)

Friend 2: (Having moved on to the den, still a voice from the phone on the passenger seat) So, that sounded exciting.

Friend 1: (Jumps slightly in seat) Jumpin’ jacks, I forgot you were there.

Friend 2: Yeah, it’s very entertaining from this end.  Still convinced not to get Quick Ticket?

Friend 1: Yes – this was a one-time incident never to be repeated, either to myself or to anyone else in the vicinity.

Friend 2: Don’t you usually have at least two tolls and also one on the exit?

Friend 1: Maybeeee….

Friend 2: Plus the ones on the way back?

Friend 1: Just one toll on the way back.  And the parkway entrance.

Friend 2: Want me to stay on the line for moral support?

Friend 1: Please.  (At toll #2, Friend 1 inches forward to a stop and then holds out a $20 bill to Toll Attendant 2) Greetings, fellow –

Toll Attendant 2: Toll changed to $2.72.

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open) What happened to nice round numbers?

Toll Attendant 2: That was the north toll plaza.  You’re in the central toll plaza now.

Friend 1: I get it…. (Rummages through wallet) I seem to no longer have pennies.  Or quarters.  Or dimes.  Or nickels.  Or –

Toll Attendant 2: You have $3?

Friend 1: (Rummages through wallet, then looks up) No.

Toll Attendant 2: (As horns from the cars in line start blaring) $5?

Friend 1: (Rummages some more) I have $10.

Toll Attendant 2: Sold.  (Friend 1 hands over the bill and Toll Attendant 2 hands back the difference) Congratulations – you received the last of my change.  The next car is gonna hate you.

Friend 1: Don’t you get your register replenished or emptied out or turned over or something?

Toll Attendant 2: Hey, we’re lucky we get a paycheck.

Friend 1: Well, thanks anyway; have a great day!  (Slowly pulls away while giving a thumbs-up to the honking driver behind)

Toll Attendant 2: You too – I certainly won’t.

(Friend 1 begins crawling on the parkway again)

Friend 2: (Now sitting in an outdoor patio) Next toll booth’ll probably be exact change, since it’s an exit and those refuse to be staffed just to spite everyone.

Friend 1: (Gripping the steering wheel) I know….

(Forty-five minutes later, Friend 1 exits the parkway and approaches the toll booths)

Friend 1: I’m telling you, Dad owes me for the ordeal I’m undertaking on his behalf!

Friend 2: Don’t you owe him literally your entire existence?

Friend 1: That goes without saying.  (Peers up ahead) Well, whaddya know!  There’s actually an attendant here.

Friend 2: Really? That’s odd; usually those booths are just 50-or-75¢.

Friend 1: Who cares: someone’s getting my $20 today.  (Pulls up to the booth and holds out a $20 bill) Greet –

Toll Attendant 3: Toll’s now one dollar and a ha’penny.

Friend 1: …Excuse me a moment.  (Turns back to the passenger seat and picks up the phone) I’m hanging up now so your eardrums are spared the screams of my anguish.

Friend 2: Sure – when you’re done there, wish your dad “Happy Father’s Day” for me, yeah?

Friend 1: Likewise – at least some of us’ll be having a good day.

Story 479: The Shortcut Paradox

(Friend 2 waits next to the driveway as Friend 1’s car turns to pull up it – the engine descends from a semi-loud roar to a steady rattle as it idles after being put into “Park”)

Friend 2: (While entering the passenger side) Coming in for a landing?

Friend 1: (In the driver’s seat, confused) Eh?

Friend 2: (Buckles seat belt) Your car sounds like it’s returned from orbit.

Friend 1: (Shifts into “Reverse” and backs down the driveway with a grinding of gears) Oh hardy-har-har, how original – now do you want to go to Neptune or not?!

Friend 2: (As the car returns to the street, is shifted into “Drive,” and screams increasingly louder while accelerating to escape velocity) What an appropriately named city.

Friend 1: Shut it.  (Things shudder as they turn onto the highway) The car still runs, that’s all I care about.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Until the engine falls out.

Friend 1: That’s Future Me’s problem – whoa!  (Slams on the brake pedal with an ear-splitting screech as two lanes of red lights appear on the road in front of them)

Car: Hey!

Friend 1: Sorry.

Friend 2: (Trying to peer through the sea of cars) Maybe there was an accident?

Friend 1: Must’ve been, or just regular old roadwork – no one ever stops en mass, it’s just not done.  (Drums fingers on the steering wheel for a few seconds, then turns on the right-hand signal and checks the side- and rear-view mirrors) Right: I’m taking a shortcut.

Friend 2: What?  Where?  We only have to go two more lights on this road to get to the diner.

Friend 1: And that’s two lights too many!  (Slides the car onto the shoulder and rides that for some time to the jughandle at the intersection, leaning on the horn when someone else also tries to get into the lane; shouts out the window) I thought of it first, pal!

Friend 2: (Mutters) This is totally illegal.

Friend 1: And so are avoidable traffic jams that waste my time!

(They turn out of the jughandle and make a left at the light to complete the U-turn)

Friend 2: OK, so we’re now going in the completely opposite direction – how is this a shortcut, exactly?

Friend 1: (Turns right onto the next cross street) Easy: we loop around to go parallel to that monstrosity we just left, get back onto the highway south of where said monstrosity ends, and then come up the other side and avoid the whole thing!  Speaking of which – you mind checking navigation on your phone to make sure there’s no traffic jam on the other side, please?

Friend 2: (Sighs, then checks the map app on the phone) No, it looks like everything’s backed up on the one side we just left.

Friend 1: Sweet.  And so, we go – hello.

Friend 2: (Still checking the phone) Yes?

Friend 1: (Pumps the brake pedal several times to rattle to a stop; in a tight voice) You neglected to mention the never-ending line of cars in our immediate path.

Friend 2: Hm?  (Looks up and sees a never-ending line of cars in their immediate path).  Oh.  Well, you didn’t ask me to check this road; you only asked me to check our final destination road.

Friend 1: (Knuckles whiten on the steering wheel) So… I… did…. (Starts pounding the wheel) The blazes is this now?!

Friend 2: (Holds a calming hand over the other two) Easy there.  (Points to an intersection far up ahead) Looks like they’re fixing a downed pole.

Friend 1: (Leans forward to squint, then starts rocking the car as springs squeal in protest) Errrrrrggghhhhh… they closed off the road I was going to turn down….

Friend 2: Then turn down the next one.

Friend 1: (Stops rocking) The next one that runs parallel is another half-mile away!

Friend 2: Then, you can always go back the way we came –

Friend 1: NEVER!  (Slams on the gas to advance one car length; the engine whines in retaliation)

 TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: (Turning right onto the next highway) OK!  We’ve finally made it to the parallel path – is our way still clear, Navigator?

Friend 2: (Checks the phone) Yes, again, as my battery drains.

Friend 1: It’s a necessary evil; right now, you’re my eyes in the sky!  (Wildly turns right onto another cross street)

Car: Wheeeee!!!!!

Friend 1: Hush!

Friend 2: (Looks up ahead and back down at the phone several times) That’s odd.

Friend 1: I have no time for odd!  (Shifts into lower gear to go up a small hill)

Friend 2: It’s just, the phone’s still showing the road ahead’s clear, but I keep seeing emergency lights at the intersection.  (Looks down again) Ah, there it is – another road block.

Friend 1: (Immediately signals right and pulls over to stop in a haze of smoke and several things popping; turns to Friend 2 while slamming on the hazard lights) What.

Friend 2: (Holds up the phone) Everyone’s finally now reporting it – looks like today’s the day for downed poles.

Friend 1: (Grabs the phone and pulls it close to see the details) That was the only other way in.

Friend 2: You know what the ironic part about this is –

Friend 1: I’d rather not.

Friend 2: – if we’d just stayed on the first highway for the two lights, we would’ve eventually gotten to where the diner is and probably even would’ve been there by now.

Friend 1: (Looks up in a daze) You want me to go back?

Friend 2: No!  At this point, I want to go home.

Friend 1: …Fair enough.  (Turns off the hazard lights, signals left, and pulls out into traffic again; the car shudders with each gear change as the speed increases)

Friend 2: I think the car wants to go home, too.

Friend 1: Car has to learn that life is inherently unfair.

 FIFTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 comes to a landing in Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 2: (Unbuckles seat belt) Well, that was a nice waste of time and gas as we were detoured a total of 15 times to nowhere and back – we really must do this again sometime.

Friend 1: Hey, I didn’t create the downed poles and the roadwork and the traffic everywhere we wanted to go!

Friend 2: (Exits the car and turns back, with the door still open) True, but next time you have the urge to take a shortcut, don’t.

Friend 1: It would’ve worked without all that other stuff!  The math was sound!  (Slams the dashboard in emphasis; the car’s engine promptly falls out)

Car: Done.  (Sags down onto its tires)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the defunct vehicle)

Friend 2: Soooo… I guess this means you’re staying for dinner.

Friend 1: You got “Cheap Used Car” on the menu?