FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5
(In
an office)
Coworker 1:
(Blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen; to
Coworker 2 sitting nearby) You know, it’s afternoons like these that I start to
forget what the outdoors look like.
Coworker 2:
(Also blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen)
Know what you mean, and it’s about to get worse: this Sunday’s when we turn the
clocks back an hour.
Coworker 1:
(Perks up a bit) Oh yeah? Sweet – an
extra hour of sleep this weekend.
Coworker 2: That
we pay for the rest of autumn and all of winter with fewer hours of sunshine
during the day.
Coworker 1:
Oh. (Crumples to the desk as this sinks
in) Ohhhh, noooo....
Coworker 2: In a
month and a half we start getting a minute of sunshine back each day, but, you
know, damage has been done. Sun’s
usually gone by 4:30 the latest for ages; I don’t notice a difference until at
least March.
Coworker 1: [Groans
into the desk]
Coworker 2:
Yeah, you’d think we’d all be used to this by now, but it just feels worse
every year, at least to me. Maybe our
political representatives will finally pass a bipartisan bill stopping the
whole clock-change bit and there’ll be peace throughout the land, but even if
that ever happened there’d still be fewer hours of daylight for a bunch of
months outta the year, no matter what hemisphere you’re in. Only way to avoid it is moving to the equator
and get 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night all year long, which I’m too lazy
to do.
Coworker 1:
(Stands up and shuts down the computer) On that note, I’m leaving for the week
and going to bed early Saturday night just so I can revel in the extra sleep
and not dwell on the cost.
Coworker 2:
(Nods as Coworker 1 leaves, still staring at the computer screen) Have a good
weekend – see you dim and early on Monday.
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8
(Coworker 2 is
at the desk, still staring at the spreadsheet, at Coworker 1 enters)
Coworker 1:
Mornin’ – I overslept when the random rooster by my apartment complex didn’t do
its thing until way later than usual.
How’d you do with the change yesterday?
Coworker 2:
Slept about the same four hours I normally do when gaming on weekends. My own fault.
Coworker 1:
(Starts up the computer and settles in for the work week with a sigh) Yep, here
we go again, plunging into increasing night – see you on December 21.
TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21
Coworker 1: This
is it!
Coworker 2:
(Awakens from a half-doze while staring at the same spreadsheet from the
previous month) Wha-what, another fire drill?
Coworker 1: No,
I’m talking about how today’s the day where we take back the sun!
Coworker 2:
(Rubs eye) All right, I admit it, my brain was taking a break back there and is
still restarting – maybe say it again slower?
Coworker 1:
(Picks up a desktop calendar and points to the date) Winter solstice! Now our hemisphere’ll start tilting
toward the sun again and we’ll get back more hours of daylight, woo-ho! (Picks up the desk phone to speak into the
receiver) Too bad for you all Down Under, but we northerners have suffered
enough! (Hangs up triumphantly)
Coworker 2: You
realize it’s only a minute a day, right?
Coworker 1: I
don’t care! I just feel so much better
about everything now that the days will be brighter longer! Our star’s the best, isn’t it? (Beamingly stares out the window)
Coworker 2: If
you’re looking for the sunset to take place a smidgen later than it did
yesterday, our windows face east on this side of the building.
Coworker 1: (Still
smiling out the window) I know!
Coworker 2:
(Turns back to the computer screen and mutters) Oh my.
MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28
Coworker 1:
(Upon entering the office, beelines to Coworker 2 and whispers frantically) Can
I talk to you about something?
Coworker 2: Not
if you’re going to be creepy about it, no.
(Points to Coworker 1’s chair) Go sit in your spot and tell me from over
there like normal.
Coworker 1:
(Sits, wheels chair over, and whispers again) I don’t want to say this too
loudly and start a panic –
Coworker 2:
There’s one other employee on this floor after last year’s budget cuts, so no
fear of that.
Coworker 1: Here
goes: I don’t think we got the sun back.
Coworker 2:
(Looks around the sunlight-filled room) Want to try that again?
Coworker 1: Oh
yes, it’s still there, it’s always physically there, but I don’t think
we got any of the minutes back like we were promised. What I mean is, I don’t think the Northern
Hemisphere is tilting toward again it like it’s supposed to.
Coworker 2:
Whaddya mean? It’s been lighter longer
lately.
Coworker 1: No
it hasn’t!
Coworker 2: Well
yeah, I believe I said eons ago that you’re not going to notice a real
difference until about spring, but we should have, what, about two hours back
now? Still early evening when the sun’ll
set.
Coworker 1:
Exactly! Why is why I’m extremely
concerned that we don’t!
Coworker 2:
(Blinks slowly) We don’t?
Coworker 1:
No! The sun still sets at 4:30 in the
afternoon! We haven’t gotten back squat!
Coworker 2: But
I thought… huh, now that you mention it, I guess it is still setting that
early; I never notice things like that.
Coworker 1:
Exactly again! Which is what they’re
counting on, until it’s too late!
Coworker 2:
“They” who? Whom? Who?
Coworker 1: The
ones who froze Earth at this tilt on its axis so Up Over is on permanent winter
and Down Under is on permanent summer! That
region’s residents were my first suspects, but now they have that much longer
exposure to UVB-skin-cancer-causing rays and who would willingly do that to
themselves?!
Coworker 2: I
think you’re just being paranoid – it’s been a rough winter yet again, and you don’t
seem to be handling it well. (Turns back
to the computer screen)
Coworker 1: I’ll
remind you of that in a few weeks.
MONDAY, MARCH 14
Coworker 1:
(Upon entering the office) Well?!
Coworker 2:
(Still staring at the same spreadsheet from two seasons ago) Well what?
Coworker 1: We
sprung ahead an hour yesterday morning: did you happen to notice anything
yesterday evening?!
Coworker 2:
Yeah, I noticed I was still tired from the lost hour of sleep – really threw
off my game.
Coworker 1: No;
did you happen to notice the sun IS STILL SETTING AT 4:30 P.M.?!
Coworker 2:
(Thinks on this a bit, then shrugs) Maybe it’ll set a bit later today, then.
Coworker 1: No
it won’t, it’ll be exactly the same as it’s been for the past four months! The Earth continues on its orbit but it is no
longer wobbling on its axis, and no one else seems to have noticed this but
me!!! All news outlets have been mum, no
one has taken the bait when I posted this on social media, and even the
conspiracy theorists haven’t pounced on this gold mine of an actual conspiracy!
Coworker 2:
(Shrugs again while making an edit to one cell on the spreadsheet) So what if
it’s not tilting anymore? Not a big deal
if the sun sets at the same time every day, doesn’t bother me, it seems to fit
everything else that’s wrong with this world.
Coworker 1: (Sinks
slowly onto the chair) Doesn’t bother – ?!
But the crops – animal migrations – the magnetic poles – the planet will
EXPLODE, don’t you see that?!
Coworker 2:
(Shrugs again while typing) Then good riddance, I guess.
Coworker 1:
No-no-no, not good riddance, we have to do something!
Coworker 2: Like
what? Go out and push it?
Coworker 1: Couldn’t
hurt!
(That afternoon
the sun sets at exactly 4:30 p.m.)
Coworker 1: (Jumps
up and points at the night sky outside the window) You see! You see!
No extra sunshine, no extra daytime, all the plants will wither, and
we’re all doomed!
Coworker 2:
(Stares out the window with narrowed eyes) Hmmm….
Coworker 1:
What’re we gonna do?!
Coworker 2:
(Turns away from the window and adds another row to the spreadsheet) Same thing
we do with everything else: just keep doing what we’ve been doing, and distract
ourselves with any entertainment we can find in the meantime.
Coworker 1: You
– ! (Silently freaks out for a few
moments, then sits heavily on the chair) All right: since we’ll never get any
superpowers to fix this thing, that’s as good a suggestion as any.