Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 591: The Downsides of Dating a Celebrity

 [Disclaimer: This is definitely not inspired by a true story; just a “What If?”]

(At a happening club in a major city, Fan and Friend stand on the fringes of a packed dance floor, taking in the frenetically swaying crowd, the dim swirling lights, and the pulse-pounding music)

Fan: (Looking like a typical nerd with glasses, ponytail, and non-club clothing; yells in Friend’s ear to be heard) I can’t believe I’m really here!  Thank you so much for inviting me to come along – this is gonna be the best night of my life!

Friend: (Dressed for the nightlife; sips from a drink before yelling back) No sweat!  Who knew working hundreds of hours as an unpaid intern in a dead-end career would mildly pay off, so I figured, share the joy when I can, know-what-I-mean?

Fan: Yes, this is awesome!  I never get to go anywhere exciting like this – it’s so much fun!

Friend: Yeah, and on top of that you may get to finally meet your #1 celebrity crush any minute now!  (Checks watch) Yep, he’s late as usual – he thinks it adds to his allure, but then he winds up getting stuck in traffic and it just makes him even later!

Fan: Oh yeah, that!  It’ll be nice just to see him sort-of in-person across the room, late or not!  Who knows, maybe he’ll even see me wave!

Friend: Oh yes, please do restrain yourself!  (They both laugh) Seriously though, I can try to get you close enough for an autograph, and you might even get to say “Hi” if you’re lucky!

Fan: Oh, thanks, but I don’t think I’m brave enough for that!  I’d probably stutter even on the one word!

Friend: Yeah, he has that effect on pretty much everyone these days!  I still can’t see it myself: he’s always been polite the few times we’ve interacted, but other than good looks and charm and that certain something, I really don’t get the appeal!  (Takes another sip)

Fan: I can’t explain it either – (Eyes suddenly widening in glee, she starts moderately hopping up-and-down and pointing at the club entrance while grasping Friend’s shoulder with the other hand; the clubgoers all go bonkers in that direction) Ooh!  Ooh!  There he is, he’s here!

(The clubgoers swam toward the entrance as Celebrity arrives with an entourage; security staff members manage the crowd as the group makes its way through the club)

Celebrity: (Wearing sunglasses and smiling broadly at everyone, shaking random hands and scribbling autographs on held-out photos, T-shirts, and cocktail napkins) Hello everyone!  Hi!  Yes!  Thank you!  Great to see you all!  I failed penmanship in school but no one cares!  This is the best party ever!

Clubgoer: (Toward the back of the crowd) I LOVE YOU!

Celebrity: Yes, I love you all, too!  (The crowd roars in happiness) Now: let’s boogie all!  Night!  Long!  (Dances surrounded by cheering clubgoers as security staff members run interference)

Friend: (To Fan) You sure you don’t want to try getting a little closer?  You just might be able to see the perspiration, and maybe even hear the hyperventilation!

Fan: (With hands clasped in front of her chest, watching Celebrity in muted awe) No, thank you!  This is enough.

Friend: Whelp, at least we got in for free, if nothing else!  (Finishes the drink and gestures at a passing server to request another one) I’ll be right back – need a refill!

Fan: (Nods without looking away from Celebrity) Uh-huh; have fun!

Friend: …Yeah, OK!  (Follows server to get a new drink)

(During the ongoing dance, Fan continues to watch Celebrity with a soft smile on her face.  In mid-move, Celebrity spins around and suddenly freezes on seeing Fan.  He whips off his sunglasses as he and Fan lock eyes for several long moments while time briefly stops for both.  They stare at each other in a perfect moment as the club disappears around them, until Celebrity pockets the sunglasses and urgently makes his way through the crowd to Fan, with security staff members flanking him)

Fan: (In a small voice as Celebrity quickly approaches) Is he actually coming this way…?  (Lowers hands)

Celebrity: (Stops breathlessly in front of Fan) Hi!

Fan: (Squeaks out) Hi!

Celebrity: I’m ------!

Fan: (Beaming brightly as security staff members unobtrusively run a metal detector wand around her and scan her face and fingerprints to run a background check) Yes, I know!  I’m --------!

Celebrity: (Appearing amazed) It’s really you, then!

Fan: (Looks uncertainly from side-to-side, still smiling at Celebrity) It sure is!

Celebrity: (Shakes head quickly to clear it) I mean, it’s you: The One I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life!

Fan: Oh, right!  (Laughs nervously, then stops smiling) For real?

Celebrity: (Smiling ecstatically) Yes!  I knew I would know the moment I saw you that you were The One, and here you are at last, after all my years of loneliness and searching!

Fan: (Starts smiling again) Oh!  Yes, well, here I am!  It’s so nice to meet you!  In person, that is – of course I’ve seen all your movies and that one TV show you did when you were a teenager!  Not that I’m obsessed or anything!  (Holds her arms straight out as a security staff member gives her a brief pat down)  Anyway, nice to meet you, in real life!

Celebrity: Oh, --------!  (Laughs, then leans in intensely) This is more than nice.

Fan: (Almost hypnotized by the stare) Wow.

(Security staff members give thumbs-up to Celebrity, who barely notices)

Celebrity: (Holds out a hand to Fan) Shall we waltz?

Fan: (Taking his hand) Oh, well actually, this music seems to be more of the mosh-pit variety –

Celebrity: (Chuckles, sweeping Fan out onto the dance floor and then pulling her in close) I’m sure there’s an orchestra playing somewhere.

Fan: Oh my.

(Oblivious to the high-decibel instrumentation and the confused and jealous clubgoers all around them, Celebrity and Fan stare deeply into each other’s eyes as the sway and somewhat dance to the music in their heads; both mentally latch onto “The Blue Danube” since that is the only waltz they know.  The clubgoers eventually go back to dancing or filming the two as security staff members follow them around the dance floor to maintain a perimeter of semi-privacy.  Celebrity and Fan dance for a few minutes of imaginary paradise, smiling wider and wider with each passing moment.  Eventually, they gradually slow down to a stop, and then there is that hesitation which just may lead to a kiss….)

Celebrity: So, I’m flying out to Paris in the morning.

Fan: (Shakes herself out of the reverie) Oh.  Really?

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s this new movie I’m working on; you probably heard about it by now – one of those blockbusters that takes place in about 20 different counties, so we all have to actually go out and film in 20 different countries; that whole thing.

Fan: Oh, my.

Celebrity: Yeah, it’s a real drag.  (Shakes hair in emphasis on the last two words) I mean, in this day and age, we’ve got CGI, we’ve got stock footage, we’ve got sets – no one would ever really know we’re not really saying our lines in Rome or Fiji or Tokyo or wherever, you know?

Fan: Tokyo?

Celebrity: Yeah, but it’s all part of the gig, I get it – we all gotta do our part and make the sacrifice for our job – art! – or whatever, right?

Fan: Oh yes, make the sacrifice….

Celebrity: (Takes Fan’s hand again and gazes intensely into her eyes once more) Anyway, what I wanted to ask, my darling –

Fan: (Leans in, almost swooning) Yes?

Celebrity: Would you like to… tag along?

Fan: …What?

Celebrity: I’m sure I could smuggle you onto the payroll as another “assistant” – (Does the air quotes) the world would know the truth, but there’s nothing they could do about it and we wouldn’t care about them, would we, my angel?

Fan: Um… well….

Celebrity: (Briefly sweeps away dramatically) Oh yes, I’m sure you have… family, or… a job, or… something, BUT – (Leans in closer for emphasis) when the Universe finally has the chips falling our way, do you really want to walk away without opening that door, hm?

Fan: (Confused by the mixed metaphors) Um….

Celebrity: (Suddenly concerned) Your passport’s in order and everything, right?  (Fan nods her head) No criminal record that I should know about, right?  (Fan shakes her head) Great!  (Now holding Fan’s hand with both of his own) Say you’ll come with, my dearest, my love, my soul’s other half!  I don’t think I could bear being parted from you for even a day – I don’t care what everyone says, video conferencing isn’t the same, it just isn’t!

Fan: (Looks up to think) Well….

Celebrity: (Falls to his knees) Yes?

Fan: (Looks back down at Celebrity) Well… if this is Fate, then I’m all in!

Celebrity: Yes!  (Stands back up and hugs Fan, lifting her up to spin her around then sets her back down) I’ll call my agent to book everything for you now!  (Slightly turns away to pull out a cellphone and makes the call)

Fan: (Smiling in bliss, turns around and sees Friend) Oh.  Hi there!

Friend: (Holding a new drink and staring at Fan in disbelief) Yeah… hi... what was that all about?

Fan: (Comes a few steps closer) So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m going to Paris tomorrow, hee-hee-hee!

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: With ------ -----!  (Almost squeals in delight)

Friend: Uh-huh.

Fan: Ooh, are you gonna be there, too?!  That would be great if we could all go together, it’d be so much fun!

Friend: No, the nonexistent budget for my position doesn’t cover international film shoots; I just work in the local office.

Fan: Aw, too bad.  I’ll make sure to write you, though!

Friend: Yeah, about that: do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?!

Fan: …A plane?

Friend: No, doofus: you’re going to another country with a stranger!  And not just any stranger – a stranger whose every move is followed by the entire world!

Fan: Pff, he’s not a stranger, he’s ------ -----; everyone knows him, and no real dirt’s been turned up on him – yet.

Friend: Yeah, but you don’t know him, not really!  You literally just met him tonight, and this is all his – (Sweeps arms in the general direction of Celebrity) Public Persona, carefully cultivated and maintained for years to the point where he can’t turn it off anymore!  Even I’ve never seen him just be himself, and I’ve worked with him for months!

Fan: Well, it turns out that he’s my The One, and I’m his The One, and neither you nor any of our inevitable naysayers can do anything to thwart our love!

Friend: Love?!  Does he even know your name?!

Fan: Of course he – !  (Thinks for a few moments) Yes!  Yes, I told him!  (Quietly to self) Whew.

Friend: Oh, well, that’s a relief; for a moment there I was worried, but now I know everything will go swimmingly!

Fan: You’re just jealous!

Friend: Of what, the disaster you’re setting yourselves up for, or the paparazzi who’ll be your new best friends?!

Fan: Of OUR LOVE!

Friend: You know, I think you both actually believe that’s what this is.

Fan: (Raises head in injured dignity) One day, you’ll regret everything you’ve said here after we’ve shown how wrong you are, you –

Celebrity: (Holding the phone against his shoulder) `Scuse me, hon – (Fan turns to Celebrity) sorry to interrupt, but my agent’s ordering the plane ticket now and is asking: how do you spell your name?

Fan: (Icily turns back to Friend) I’ll be back in a minute.  If you’re gone by the time we’re done, I’ll make sure to find a spare moment to call you from France.  (Turns back to Celebrity and they walk away from Friend, arms around each other’s shoulders and heads touching)

Friend: (Sarcastically shouting after them) Yeah, yeah – say “Hi” to the Eiffel Tower for me!

THREE MONTHS LATER

(A large crowd has gathered at the front entrance of a hospital, with police and security officers maintaining control.  Their volume and activity increase when a car parks in the employee lot and Fan emerges, hurrying through with officers’ assistance as photos are taken, signs are shaken, and questions are shouted at her)

Crowd Member 1: --------!  Is it true you and ------ ----- secretly got married while he was filming in Reykjavík this year?!

Crowd Member 2: -------!  Is it true that you’re secretly pregnant with ------ -----‘s decuplets?!

Fan: (Turns slightly at that one while still walking) What?!  Is that even physically possible?

Crowd Member 3: --------!  Is it true you were abducted by extraterrestrials 10 years ago and now are trying to get ------ ----- abducted as well?!

Fan: (Not turning back) I can’t believe that one’s still going around.

Crowd Member 4: Will you be his quote-unquote assistant forever?!

Crowd Member 5: What about the fraud charges he’s currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 6: What about the fraud charges you also may be currently under investigation for?!

Crowd Member 7: Does your “D” in high school Chemistry affect his estimation of you as a suitable life partner?!

Crowd Member 8: Does he know about that shoplifting incident when you were 7?!

Crowd Member 9: Do you know about his shoplifting incident when he was 27?!

Crowd Member 10: Do you know he has a step-father?!

Crowd Member 11: Does he know you have a half-sister?!

Crowd Member 12: Do you know that he may have a love child or children?!

Crowd Member 13: Do you have a love child?!

Crowd Member 14: Are you his love child?!

Fan: (Stops at the hospital’s front doors, then slowly turns around to face the crowd) Listen: I’ve put up with being followed all around the world, and then at the grocery store and while getting a haircut when I got back home, but today is my first day back at work after being on leave, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in there and save some lives today!

Crowd Member 15: Ha!  We all know you’re just an administrative assistant!

Fan: Rude.

Crowd Member 16: (To Crowd Member 15) Yeah, she’s on the front lines with everyone else there – she’s a healthcare hero!

Fan: (Smooths hair back a bit) Well, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly –

Crowd Member 15: (To Crowd Member 16) She’s at the back of the front lines and supports the actual heroes!  She’s got borrowed glory!

Crowd Member 16: She provides vital support, which is more than you’ve ever done with your life!

(They start whacking each other with their signs; the rest of the crowd joins in the fray as Fan rushes into the hospital and up to her department’s office)

Manager: (Seated at a desk, looks up from a computer as Fan hurries in through the door) Hey, look who’s back!  I thought you said you were coming in next week?

Fan: (Dumping personal bags onto a dusty desk) Yeah, well, I was hoping to head off the crowds, but I forgot they know everything about everyone so that failed spectacularly.

Manager: (Goes over to a window and peers down at the front entrance of the building) Ooh, yeah, see what you mean.

Fan: (Sits at the desk and starts up the computer as Manager returns to the other desk) So, thanks again for letting me take all this time off with… no real notice.

Manager: Not at all!  You had a lot of vacation time backed up, and we managed; this also has been the most exciting thing to happen here in years, so I do expect to hear all about it at some point.

Fan: (Smiles) I’ll type up a report just for you.

Manager: (Starts typing) Awesome.  Also, I’d already sent a memo out to the team that they’d better leave you alone when you came back, so I’ll just send a notice that it’s effective immediately instead of next Monday.

Fan: (Looks over at a door with a window, sees team members standing on the other side smiling and waving, and smiles and waves back) Thanks – appreciate it.

Manager: (After sending the e-mail, goes to Fan’s desk as the latter wipes down the computer) Sooo….

Fan: (Looks up at Manager) Yep?

Manager: (Trying to contain excitement) What was it like?!

Fan: What, the professional and amateur stalking or the permanent jet lag?

Manager: Well, those, and, you know – (Sits on the edge of the desk) finding out your celebrity crush was also your soulmate?

Fan: Oh.  That.  Not all it’s cracked up to be.  (Picks up the ringing desk phone)

Manager: (Goes back to desk) Oh.  No hope for the rest of us, then.

Fan: Laboratory, this is --------, how may I help you?

Crowd Member 17: (On the phone) Is it true you work there just to get ------ ----- a regular blood supply so that he can remain forever young?!  (Fan hangs up the phone)

Manager: Did you at least have fun visiting all those different countries?

Fan: (Scrolls through thousands of unread e-mails) Yes, those were all great, everyone who wasn’t harassing us was lovely.  (Turns to Manager) You know when you want something so badly for so long, and then one day you improbably get it, but then it turns out to be not as fulfilling as you’d dreamed it would be?

Manager: (Nods) Every day.

Fan: (Hears her cell phone ringing, then checks the caller ID and slumps) Oh no.

Manager: Ooh, is it him?

Fan: (Reaches toward the screen) I’ll call back later –

Manager: No-no-no, answer it now – use the break room, it’s empty and I won’t let anyone in!  Or listen.  (Puts on a pair of headphones)

Fan: (Stands and goes to the break room) Thanks a lot, really.  (Enters and closes the door)

Manager: (Returns to working on the computer) Sometimes, I wish I was nosy.

Fan: (Answers the call, tiredly) Hi!

Celebrity: (On a sound stage; film crew members and actors bustle all around him) Hi!  How’s your first day back at the old salt mines, heh-heh-heh?

Fan: Well, I just realized that I forgot to put on an away message, but I think everyone figured it out after the first few weeks.

Celebrity Ugh, work e-mail, what a drag, am-I-right?

Fan: …Yeah.

Celebrity: So, sorry to bother you with this while you’re doing work things, but I didn’t want to forget later: I know I said I was going to take you out for your birthday this week, and finally meet your parents and all that home stuff –

Fan: (Gritted teeth) Yes?

Celebrity: BUT, turns out my P.R. people added another stop on the obligatory press junket, so now I have to be a guest on yet another late-night show that same day, and since it’s a three-hour flight both ways –

Fan: I got it.  Maybe next week, then.

Celebrity: Yeah, that’s the thing: we’re starting rehearsals on my next film on Monday, and it’s also tech week for my Broadway debut, and both productions so kindly rearranged their schedules so I could do each, and my current film’s wrapping up production today but the studio’s threatening reshoots and you know how that goes –

Fan: (Briefly closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose) Fine, forget the birthday.

Celebrity: You sure?  I always forget mine, so I’m never certain how other people feel about theirs.

Fan: …So when do you think we can meet up again?

Celebrity: Hold on, let me check – (Scrolls through his phone for a few moments, then gets back on the call) Great: I have a few hours open on February 25!

Fan: (Stares out blankly) February 25.

Celebrity: Uh-huh!

Fan: Of next year.

Celebrity: …Uh-huh!  Want me to put it on the calendar so I don’t accidentally book something else in the meantime?

Fan: …No, I think I’ll pass.

Celebrity: Oh.  Maybe March, then?

Fan: You know, after the first day of our… relationship, I barely saw you for more than five minutes at a time, and we were always rushing off somewhere to do something that we never really got to know each other, you know?

Celebrity: What’s there to know?  We’re each other’s The One!

Fan: Yeah, that’s fine for a hot minute, but I need something more substantial for the rest of my life.  Plus it’s a bit hard to connect with you when everyone else is trying to connect with you, too – I should know, since I was one of those “everyone else.”

Celebrity: Bah, I hardly notice them anymore now that you’re here!  (Fan double-takes) And I know, I’m sorry I’m all work-work-work lately – my life didn’t used to be like that until I made it big, and now I’ve got all these projects going on that I can’t pass up opportunities or else they’ll stop coming and then I’ll never be able to find work in the business again, but everything’ll slow down in a few decades, I promise!

Fan: OK.

Celebrity: OK?

Fan: Yes – call me when everything’s slowed down in a few decades, OK?

Celebrity: (Crestfallen) Oh.

Fan: But don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll find someone right away who’ll have your love children or just go out on dates or whatever in your extremely limited spare time.

Celebrity: You were the first person I ever dated!

Fan: No way, really?

Celebrity: Yes!  I’m sure you remember I used to say in all my interviews that I was waiting for The One, and I was, and The One was you!

Fan: Oh.  I thought you exaggerating to look adorable.

Celebrity: I would never!

Fan: Oh.  Well, that’s flattering.  I guess, then… think of this as a learning experience.

Celebrity: Wait, is that it, then?  We’re going to scorn the Will of Fate, and never see each other ever again for the rest of our lives?!

Fan: Well, I’ll certainly see you on the big screen, buddy!

Celebrity: (Sadly) And I’ll see you in my dreams.  (Ends the call and slowly sits on the floor, staring out into the distance)

Fan: (Looks at the phone’s screen and sees the disconnected call) Aw, why’d he have to go and say a thing like that?  (Goes back into the office and sits at her desk)

Manager: (Removes the headphones) So?  Everything good?

Fan: No, actually: we just broke up.

Manager: What?!  Really?!  Maybe it’s not so final – maybe you two just need a little break from all the whirlwind you’ve been through, that’s all.

Fan: Our entire time together was pretty much a break: I basically followed him around and we occasionally got to eat at the same table in a restaurant or have our picture taken next to each other for five seconds.

Manager: Oh.  So pretty much most of the cons and few of the pros of being a celebrity, huh?

Fan: Pretty much.

Manager: Who knows: maybe he’ll try to win you back or something.

Fan: (Hears noises outside and goes to the window to see that the crowd in front of the hospital is leaving) Nope – the public has decreed that it’s over, so it must be over then.

Manager: They’re gone?  Good – for you, and, on a selfish note, some corporate VPs are coming for our quarterly meeting today, so them seeing that mess out front would’ve been really embarrassing.

Fan: That meeting’s today?  Oops.  (Her cell phone rings again)

Manager: (Puts the headphones back on) Take it – hardly any work is getting done here right now, so I’m just rolling with it.

Fan: Thanks.  (Checks the caller ID, raises an eyebrow, and goes back into the break room but does not bother closing the door) Hey!

Friend: (Seated at a desk in an office) Hey: I heard you and ------ ----- just broke up.

Fan: Of course; the whole world has heard by now, I suppose.

Friend: You suppose correctly.  Sorry to hear it.

Fan: Really?  I thought you saw the whole thing as stupid and fake.

Friend: I did, but I’m still sorry you had to go through all that and still not get the guy in the end or whatever.

Fan: Thank you.  It really is all for the best, though.

Friend: So he wasn’t The One after all that, huh.

Fan: It seems not, but at the time I could have sworn he was.  It’s strange: I had liked him from afar for so long, but your opinion of someone really does change once you see their personal hygiene habits.  Also, when you hardly see them at all, it makes you wonder: what’s the point?

Friend: And that’s why I willingly remain single to this day.

Fan: Yeah.  And on top of everything else, I don’t think I can ever watch him on-screen in the same way again after this.  Lesson learned, I guess.

Friend: So I take it that if you had to do it all over again, you would’ve turned him down and avoided the drama and heartache?

Fan: ABSOLUTELY NOT!

Story 489: Time-Limited Binge Watch

DAY 1

 (Friend 1 sits on the living room couch with an open laptop, navigating through a streaming service when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Sees the caller’s name and answers) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Not much; just checking if you want to meet up for lunch at the café this Saturday?

Friend 1: Sure, let me consult my schedule.... (Leans back over the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen) Yep, still nothin’ – 12:30 good for you?

Friend 2: Fine for me, thanks.  Whatcha up to now?

Friend 1: Oh, finally gonna start watching that show you recommended, you know, that sci-fi/drama/mystery/sit-com everyone was into 20-something years ago – so glad it ended back then so I don’t have to wait an entire week and skip through summers anticipating the next installment.

Friend 2: Yeah, we’re so spoiled now that entire series are on streaming services and can watch them all at once.  You’ll definitely remember more of what happened at the beginning of the show by the time you get to the end, though.  You know, the audience was in agony for four months after the Season 8 cliffhanger finale?

Friend 1: I’d heard about that at the time, and thankful I didn’t have to participate; it sounded exhausting.

Friend 2: Well, regardless whether you viewed that episode real-time or way after the fact: chills, I tell you, chills.  Oh, and Season 2 is pretty rough, but once you get past it the rest of the series is fine.

Friend 1: Noted.  (Types the show’s name into the search box) At least now I’ll finally get to experience what all the fuss was about – (Eyes wide in horror when results appear on the screen) <GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!>

Friend 2: What – what happened?!  Are you having a heart attack?!  Should I call 911?!  Answer me!!

Friend 1: I’m just… bewildered – taken aback – no, no, I think “horrified” is more appropriate for this situation.

Friend 2: Are you having a stroke, then?

Friend 1: No, get off that kick: when I bring up the show it has a note saying that it’s leaving the streaming service in five days!

Friend 2: Oh.  Seriously, that’s it?  It sounded like your brain was melting down.

Friend 1: It was!  What am I gonna do?!  There’re over 300 episodes to this thing!

Friend 2: Hm.  Yeah, that’s a bummer.

Friend 1: Understatement of the modern era!  They can’t pull shows off their platform just like that!

Friend 2: Sure they can, it’s a whole licensing thing; it’s probably moving to whatever service is streaming shows now for the original network it aired on.

Friend 1: Unacceptable!  I am not paying yet another monthly fee for one show!  And I can’t believe that shows just disappear from this thing – Blockbuster would never have done that!

Friend 2: Well, Blockbuster is dead.

Friend 1: Not while there’s still one store open in Oregon, it isn’t!

Friend 2: OK then, maybe the library has the show on DVDs you can borrow?

Friend 1: No one has DVD players anymore!

Friend 2: I do.

Friend 1: Well aren’t you the prescient one!

Friend 2: Listen: either get a subscription for wherever the show is now with a free month trial and cancel it when you’re done; buy a DVD player and borrow the discs that your taxes have paid for; or find a way to watch 325 episodes in five days, what can I tell you?

Friend 1: …I’ll take Door #3.

Friend 2: Figured you would.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone on the couch and selects Episode 1 of Season 1 with a manic gleam in the eye) All right, Too-Much-Show-Not-Enough-Time: Challenge Accepted.

 DAY 2

Friend 1: (Still on the couch, looking a bit musty, answers the ringing phone) Yell-oh?

Manager: What’s this text about you taking the next four days off with absolutely no prior notice, let alone approval?!

Friend 1: (Sips an energy drink) It’s part of the anytime vacation days you owe me for covering double-shifts an entire week that one time.

Manager: What?!  That was… almost two years ago!

Friend 1: And now I’m cashing in on it.

Manager: You’re leaving us in a real bind, you know that?!

Friend 1: Yeah, and that week was no picnic, either!  Maybe you can do double-shifts and then we’ll be even!

Manager: I already do double-shifts every weekend!

Friend 1: Which is your choice, now isn’t it!

Manager: You know what: fine, I’ll put you down for vacation from today to Friday, and you can deal with the inevitable chaos from this week when you’re back in on Monday, all right?!

Friend 1: So, a typical Monday then?

Manager: I knew it was a mistake hiring a buddy from school!

Friend 1: And I know it was a mistake asking a buddy from school for a job!

Manager: I hope whatever it is you’re doing this week is awful, and you hate every minute of it!  (Slams the phone receiver)

Friend 1: (Hits “Play” to resume the video of Season 2, Episode 13) You have no idea….

 DAY 3

Friend 1: (Still on the couch with bloodshot eyes and cramping legs, at the end of the Season 8 finale) WHAT?!  How could they leave us with a cliff-hanger like that?!  No resolution, no answers, no emotional fulfillment?!  And now I’ve gotta wait –  (Checks the credits’ countdown timer) 15 seconds for the conclusion?!  Madness!  (Answers the ringing phone while hitting “Pause” when Season 9, Episode 1 starts)  HELLO?!

Friend 2: I’m guessing you just finished Season 8.

Friend 1: YES!  I am appalled at the writers’ emotional manipulation of this show’s viewers!  I’m writing a letter of protest at our treatment!

Friend 2: You realize no one’s there anymore to read it?

Friend 1: I’m writing it to The Void!

Friend 2: Maybe just watch the next episode of Season 9 and you’ll feel better.

Friend 1: Oh right, it’s starting now.

Friend 2: How’s the rest of the viewing marathon going?

Friend 1: Fine, everything’s fine.  (Tosses back a handful of cereal) I break only for bathroom visits and to restock the food supply at my side; I also upgraded my subscription plan so precious minutes aren’t devoured by innumerable commercials.  At my current progress, I should reach the finish line with… (Checks watch) seven minutes to spare.

Friend 2: And where are you fitting sleep into all this?

Friend 1: Where am I fitting what into what?

Friend 2: Never mind.  Math’s not my strongest subject, but I’ve been running the numbers recently and if I did it right, even if you watched this show non-stop 24 hours a day, there’s no way you’ll finish it five days – it’d take you almost triple that time to get to the end, it’s just not physically possible otherwise.

Friend 1: …Watch me!  (Ends the call)

Friend 2: (To the silent phone) Oh my.

Friend 1: (Hits “Play”) This resolution better be worth the extended turmoil I suffered just now.

 DAY 4

Friend 1: (Slumped on the couch, watching the end of Season 11, Episode 22, and crying with bleary eyes) How could they kill him off now, he had such character growth!  (Hits “Pause” and opens a new tab to look up information) Oh, the actor got the lead on a new show that year; good for him.  (Closes the tab and hits “Play,” crying again) But still how could they kill him off, booooooo!!!!!  (Hits “Pause” again to answer the ringing phone) What, what do you want, whaaaaaaaaat????!!!!

Friend 2: You’re on Season 11 already?

Friend 1: How can you tell?!

Friend 2: You sound like how we all felt after Episode 22 that year.

Friend 1: I don’t know how much more of this I can take: I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes as 17 different people watching this thing, and I’ve barely moved in almost a week!

Friend 2: Well, this show’ll do that to you, only it wasn’t meant to be taken in, you know, entirely one sitting.

Friend 1: I’m not stopping now!  It’s draining the life force out of me like a small screen vampire, but I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and it’s delicious!

Friend 2: Close?!  You’ve got over 50 episodes to go!

Friend 1: A mere pittance after what I’ve endured, ahahahaha – !

Friend 2: OK, I’ll leave you to it; bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto a nearby cushion, gulps another energy drink, and hits “Play”, muttering) No one’s tripping me at the finish line.  (Immediately starts bawling again as the episode resumes)

 DAY 5

Friend 1: (Has eyelids taped open to watch the Series Finale) Come on, ride off into the sunset already…. (The credits roll as the series finally ends) That’s it.  It’s done.  It’s done, at long last.  (Removes the tape and stares into space with the mixed emotions of post-series ending) Don’t know how to feel right now.  (Picks up the phone and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: Hey, you finished it?

Friend 1: Yes.  I have slayed the dragon; I have conquered the mountain; I have joined the ranks of the nerds who endured this show and can now number myself as one of you.

Friend 2: Well, congratulations – you committed to the task you set yourself and finished it.  I hope you enjoyed it after all that.

Friend 1: I did, yes: Season 2 was the pits like you said – I’m shocked they were even renewed after that fiasco – but the rest of it was some of the best television I’ve ever experienced, even if it was in an extremely condensed format.

Friend 2: Great, that’s… that’s great.

Friend 1: …I know I’ve been out of it lately, but you suspiciously sound like someone who doesn’t want to tell someone something.

Friend 2: Wellllll… OK, don’t be mad –

Friend 1: That’s an immediate cue to be mad.

Friend 2: You talking about the show got me into looking up info about it – going down the fan rabbit hole, you know –

Friend 1: Yes, I’m familiar.

Friend 2: So yesterday I saw a news article about the show, and, well – here, if you still have the streaming service open, could you search the title for me, please?

Friend 1: Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. (Types the show’s name in the search box) There it is, asking if want to start with Season 1 again.  (Shudders)

Friend 2: Anything else you notice?

Friend 1: (Blinks extremely dry eyes) No, just the cast photo, Season 1, Episode 1…. (Leans forward, squinting at the screen) Wait a minute….

Friend 2: No note, right?

Friend 1: (Blinks faster) Are the stories true and sitting too close to the screen has completely ruined my vision?

Friend 2: Not yet: the article said the licensing deal got renewed last-minute, so the show’ll still be on there for at least another three years.

Friend 1: (Stares at the screen with mouth agape)

Friend 2: Hello?  You OK?

Friend 1: Yes; I think I may have some long-term health problems from all this, though.

Friend 2: Sorry if this makes you regret watching the entire show at once –

Friend 1: I REGRET NOTHING!