Story 489: Time-Limited Binge Watch

DAY 1

 (Friend 1 sits on the living room couch with an open laptop, navigating through a streaming service when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Sees the caller’s name and answers) Hey, what’s up?

Friend 2: Not much; just checking if you want to meet up for lunch at the café this Saturday?

Friend 1: Sure, let me consult my schedule.... (Leans back over the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen) Yep, still nothin’ – 12:30 good for you?

Friend 2: Fine for me, thanks.  Whatcha up to now?

Friend 1: Oh, finally gonna start watching that show you recommended, you know, that sci-fi/drama/mystery/sit-com everyone was into 20-something years ago – so glad it ended back then so I don’t have to wait an entire week and skip through summers anticipating the next installment.

Friend 2: Yeah, we’re so spoiled now that entire series are on streaming services and can watch them all at once.  You’ll definitely remember more of what happened at the beginning of the show by the time you get to the end, though.  You know, the audience was in agony for four months after the Season 8 cliffhanger finale?

Friend 1: I’d heard about that at the time, and thankful I didn’t have to participate; it sounded exhausting.

Friend 2: Well, regardless whether you viewed that episode real-time or way after the fact: chills, I tell you, chills.  Oh, and Season 2 is pretty rough, but once you get past it the rest of the series is fine.

Friend 1: Noted.  (Types the show’s name into the search box) At least now I’ll finally get to experience what all the fuss was about – (Eyes wide in horror when results appear on the screen) <GAAAAAAAAAAAASP!!!!!>

Friend 2: What – what happened?!  Are you having a heart attack?!  Should I call 911?!  Answer me!!

Friend 1: I’m just… bewildered – taken aback – no, no, I think “horrified” is more appropriate for this situation.

Friend 2: Are you having a stroke, then?

Friend 1: No, get off that kick: when I bring up the show it has a note saying that it’s leaving the streaming service in five days!

Friend 2: Oh.  Seriously, that’s it?  It sounded like your brain was melting down.

Friend 1: It was!  What am I gonna do?!  There’re over 300 episodes to this thing!

Friend 2: Hm.  Yeah, that’s a bummer.

Friend 1: Understatement of the modern era!  They can’t pull shows off their platform just like that!

Friend 2: Sure they can, it’s a whole licensing thing; it’s probably moving to whatever service is streaming shows now for the original network it aired on.

Friend 1: Unacceptable!  I am not paying yet another monthly fee for one show!  And I can’t believe that shows just disappear from this thing – Blockbuster would never have done that!

Friend 2: Well, Blockbuster is dead.

Friend 1: Not while there’s still one store open in Oregon, it isn’t!

Friend 2: OK then, maybe the library has the show on DVDs you can borrow?

Friend 1: No one has DVD players anymore!

Friend 2: I do.

Friend 1: Well aren’t you the prescient one!

Friend 2: Listen: either get a subscription for wherever the show is now with a free month trial and cancel it when you’re done; buy a DVD player and borrow the discs that your taxes have paid for; or find a way to watch 325 episodes in five days, what can I tell you?

Friend 1: …I’ll take Door #3.

Friend 2: Figured you would.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone on the couch and selects Episode 1 of Season 1 with a manic gleam in the eye) All right, Too-Much-Show-Not-Enough-Time: Challenge Accepted.

 DAY 2

Friend 1: (Still on the couch, looking a bit musty, answers the ringing phone) Yell-oh?

Manager: What’s this text about you taking the next four days off with absolutely no prior notice, let alone approval?!

Friend 1: (Sips an energy drink) It’s part of the anytime vacation days you owe me for covering double-shifts an entire week that one time.

Manager: What?!  That was… almost two years ago!

Friend 1: And now I’m cashing in on it.

Manager: You’re leaving us in a real bind, you know that?!

Friend 1: Yeah, and that week was no picnic, either!  Maybe you can do double-shifts and then we’ll be even!

Manager: I already do double-shifts every weekend!

Friend 1: Which is your choice, now isn’t it!

Manager: You know what: fine, I’ll put you down for vacation from today to Friday, and you can deal with the inevitable chaos from this week when you’re back in on Monday, all right?!

Friend 1: So, a typical Monday then?

Manager: I knew it was a mistake hiring a buddy from school!

Friend 1: And I know it was a mistake asking a buddy from school for a job!

Manager: I hope whatever it is you’re doing this week is awful, and you hate every minute of it!  (Slams the phone receiver)

Friend 1: (Hits “Play” to resume the video of Season 2, Episode 13) You have no idea….

 DAY 3

Friend 1: (Still on the couch with bloodshot eyes and cramping legs, at the end of the Season 8 finale) WHAT?!  How could they leave us with a cliff-hanger like that?!  No resolution, no answers, no emotional fulfillment?!  And now I’ve gotta wait –  (Checks the credits’ countdown timer) 15 seconds for the conclusion?!  Madness!  (Answers the ringing phone while hitting “Pause” when Season 9, Episode 1 starts)  HELLO?!

Friend 2: I’m guessing you just finished Season 8.

Friend 1: YES!  I am appalled at the writers’ emotional manipulation of this show’s viewers!  I’m writing a letter of protest at our treatment!

Friend 2: You realize no one’s there anymore to read it?

Friend 1: I’m writing it to The Void!

Friend 2: Maybe just watch the next episode of Season 9 and you’ll feel better.

Friend 1: Oh right, it’s starting now.

Friend 2: How’s the rest of the viewing marathon going?

Friend 1: Fine, everything’s fine.  (Tosses back a handful of cereal) I break only for bathroom visits and to restock the food supply at my side; I also upgraded my subscription plan so precious minutes aren’t devoured by innumerable commercials.  At my current progress, I should reach the finish line with… (Checks watch) seven minutes to spare.

Friend 2: And where are you fitting sleep into all this?

Friend 1: Where am I fitting what into what?

Friend 2: Never mind.  Math’s not my strongest subject, but I’ve been running the numbers recently and if I did it right, even if you watched this show non-stop 24 hours a day, there’s no way you’ll finish it five days – it’d take you almost triple that time to get to the end, it’s just not physically possible otherwise.

Friend 1: …Watch me!  (Ends the call)

Friend 2: (To the silent phone) Oh my.

Friend 1: (Hits “Play”) This resolution better be worth the extended turmoil I suffered just now.

 DAY 4

Friend 1: (Slumped on the couch, watching the end of Season 11, Episode 22, and crying with bleary eyes) How could they kill him off now, he had such character growth!  (Hits “Pause” and opens a new tab to look up information) Oh, the actor got the lead on a new show that year; good for him.  (Closes the tab and hits “Play,” crying again) But still how could they kill him off, booooooo!!!!!  (Hits “Pause” again to answer the ringing phone) What, what do you want, whaaaaaaaaat????!!!!

Friend 2: You’re on Season 11 already?

Friend 1: How can you tell?!

Friend 2: You sound like how we all felt after Episode 22 that year.

Friend 1: I don’t know how much more of this I can take: I feel like I’ve lived five lifetimes as 17 different people watching this thing, and I’ve barely moved in almost a week!

Friend 2: Well, this show’ll do that to you, only it wasn’t meant to be taken in, you know, entirely one sitting.

Friend 1: I’m not stopping now!  It’s draining the life force out of me like a small screen vampire, but I’m so close to the end I can taste it, and it’s delicious!

Friend 2: Close?!  You’ve got over 50 episodes to go!

Friend 1: A mere pittance after what I’ve endured, ahahahaha – !

Friend 2: OK, I’ll leave you to it; bye.  (Ends the call)

Friend 1: (Tosses the phone onto a nearby cushion, gulps another energy drink, and hits “Play”, muttering) No one’s tripping me at the finish line.  (Immediately starts bawling again as the episode resumes)

 DAY 5

Friend 1: (Has eyelids taped open to watch the Series Finale) Come on, ride off into the sunset already…. (The credits roll as the series finally ends) That’s it.  It’s done.  It’s done, at long last.  (Removes the tape and stares into space with the mixed emotions of post-series ending) Don’t know how to feel right now.  (Picks up the phone and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: Hey, you finished it?

Friend 1: Yes.  I have slayed the dragon; I have conquered the mountain; I have joined the ranks of the nerds who endured this show and can now number myself as one of you.

Friend 2: Well, congratulations – you committed to the task you set yourself and finished it.  I hope you enjoyed it after all that.

Friend 1: I did, yes: Season 2 was the pits like you said – I’m shocked they were even renewed after that fiasco – but the rest of it was some of the best television I’ve ever experienced, even if it was in an extremely condensed format.

Friend 2: Great, that’s… that’s great.

Friend 1: …I know I’ve been out of it lately, but you suspiciously sound like someone who doesn’t want to tell someone something.

Friend 2: Wellllll… OK, don’t be mad –

Friend 1: That’s an immediate cue to be mad.

Friend 2: You talking about the show got me into looking up info about it – going down the fan rabbit hole, you know –

Friend 1: Yes, I’m familiar.

Friend 2: So yesterday I saw a news article about the show, and, well – here, if you still have the streaming service open, could you search the title for me, please?

Friend 1: Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. (Types the show’s name in the search box) There it is, asking if want to start with Season 1 again.  (Shudders)

Friend 2: Anything else you notice?

Friend 1: (Blinks extremely dry eyes) No, just the cast photo, Season 1, Episode 1…. (Leans forward, squinting at the screen) Wait a minute….

Friend 2: No note, right?

Friend 1: (Blinks faster) Are the stories true and sitting too close to the screen has completely ruined my vision?

Friend 2: Not yet: the article said the licensing deal got renewed last-minute, so the show’ll still be on there for at least another three years.

Friend 1: (Stares at the screen with mouth agape)

Friend 2: Hello?  You OK?

Friend 1: Yes; I think I may have some long-term health problems from all this, though.

Friend 2: Sorry if this makes you regret watching the entire show at once –

Friend 1: I REGRET NOTHING!

Story 454: Creating a Fan-Favorite Franchise

            (Writer 1 sits at a kitchen table doodling in a notebook with one hand while propped up on the other; sighing, the latest doodle is “IDEA???????? L”.  Writer 2 suddenly enters the room and plops a stack of DVD covers on the table)

Writer 2: I’ve got it!  At last, I’ve got it!

Writer 1: (Straightens up in shock) Dude, I didn’t even hear the door open, how’d you get in here?!

Writer 2: We’re writing partners: our lives are forever one now.  (Pulls out a chair and sits)

Writer 1: Ummmmm….

Writer 2: So: want to hear my brilliant flash of genius?

Writer 1: (Resignedly tosses the pen aside and sits back) Sure, fine – anything would be more than the bupkis I’ve got lately.

Writer 2: Yes, we’ve both been in a bit of a dry spell since our trial-by-fire on the late-late-late-late night show –

Writer 1: (Shudders) I never want to think about that debacle ever again: it should’ve been our big break, but by the end if they hadn’t fired us I’d’ve quit.

Writer 2: The timing of that was unfortunate; however, it was a blessing in disguise in that it gave us – and by “us,” I mean “me” – time to come up with the brilliant flash of genius.

Writer 1: Oh yes, all that time to spend all my lack of money on all my bills.  And the flash of genius is…?

Writer 2: We write our own show!

Writer 1: That’s literally been the plan this whole time.  Bupkis has been the result!

Writer 2: Sorry, let me rephrase that: we write our own hit show!

Writer 2: Well yeah, everyone wants a hit show.  Reality interferes.

Writer 2: Yes, but the ones who do write a hit show basically stumble onto it by accident with talented writing and wonderful actors and fantastic cinematography and inspired music and whatever – to my knowledge, no one has actually cracked the code for deliberately creating a hit show.  Until now.

Writer 1: (Rubs tired eyes) Let me guess, you?

Writer 2: How’d you know?

Writer 1: What?!  Just – go ahead and tell me what you so cleverly deduced.

Writer 2: Gladly.  (Holds up one of the DVD covers) Remember this series?

Writer 1: Who doesn’t?

Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) Uh-huh – and this?

Writer 1: Hated it, but yes.

Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) And this?

Writer 1: Never even looked at my spec script for a Season 3 episode, so definitely yeah.

Writer 2: (Sets that down and holds up another cover) And, the ultimate in recent television classics, this?

Writer 1: Overrated, but yes.

Writer 2: “Overra – ”?  This was a piece of PURE ARTISTRY!

Writer 1: Artistry, pretension, tomato, to – mah- to.

Writer 2: (Through gritted teeth) Agree to disagree.  (Gently sets down the cover and straightens the newly created pile) The point is, these all contain elements of a magic formula that, when executed properly, creates that most coveted item of all in the entertainment industry.

Writer 1: Money?

Writer 2: Well, obviously, that’s the endgame – what leads to infinite amounts of that is the coveted item: Fan Obsession.

Writer 1: (Sits up straighter) Go on.

Writer 2: The strategy is simple: all we need to do is, take the best elements of these series – (Waves hands over the pile) and, um….

Writer 1: (Nods) Steal.

Writer 2: Pay homage to what makes them work so well.  If we combine enough of them and throw in one or two actual original ideas, no one will even notice the rip-offs!

Writer 1: Uh-huh.  (Starts casually sorting through the covers) And that’s it, huh?  Instant hit?

Writer 2: We-ell, that’s best-case-scenario.  We might have “Cult Favorite” status at first and nearly get cancelled several times, but the most important part is to capture fan devotion immediately.  They will be the ones powering this machine long-term, and once the studio realizes our work is at least a decade’s-long franchise they’ll practically throw the money at us.

Writer 1: (Gnaws lip) I don’t know – it sounds great in theory, but being too dependent on the fans to keep… whatever this’ll be, going, just means down the road we’ll have to start doing fan-service stories and classify the scripts as Top Secret and film misleading scenes and fake storylines and actually talk to them at conventions, and by the time the finale rolls around they’ll hate everything we do, turn on us, and curse our names.

Writer 2: Not necessarily, and even so it’ll be too late by then – we’ll already have the money!

Writer 1: You make an excellent point.

Writer 2: Great!  (Picks up Writer 1 by the elbows and tosses the latter onto the living room couch) Now, your job is to watch or rewatch all these hit shows and take lots and lots of notes – we’ll compare when you’re done.  (Brings in the DVDs, Writer 1’s notepad, and the pen, and tosses them onto the couch) These are only Season 1s, so let me know as you finish and I’ll keep supplying you with the rest.

Writer 1: But – but – but that’ll take me years!

Writer 2: (On the way out) Better start now!

 SIX MONTHS LATER

(Writer 1 and Writer 2 are seated at a park bench)

Writer 2: See!  I knew you were exaggerating.

Writer 1: (Face is pallid and there are bags under the eyes) This is the first day I’ve breathed the outdoor air in… what year is it?

Writer 2: Doesn’t matter – what are your findings?

Writer 1: (Shakily takes out a notepad that has writing all over the pages, including the margins) OK, common elements I found in each hit series….

Writer 2: Yes?

Writer 1: Number one: Grit.

Writer 2: Huh?

Writer 1: The material.  It’s gritty.  Extreme violence, rampant drug use, relatives who lethally hate each other, way too much sex that does absolutely nothing to advance the plot, exploitation of mental illness, showcasing the worst of humanity with no real suggestions for improvement –

Writer 2: Yes-yes-yes, I’ve already got all that – what else?

Writer 1: (Flips a page on the notepad) Lots of cursing.  As in, so many f-bombs.

Writer 2: Goes without saying.

Writer 1: (Drags a finger down the page) It either needs to be snowing all the time or over 100° Fahrenheit, but that can change from season-to-season or even mid-season.

Writer 2: Good, didn’t catch that one.

Writer 1: That also means we need to film on location.

Writer 2: Such as…?

Writer 1: All of them.  More as the budget increases.

Writer 2: (Nods) Yeah, that’ll finally get me my trip to Fiji, sweet.

Writer 1: (Flips another page) The leads at least have to be gorgeous – everyone else can be, you know, average-looking.

Writer 2: (Dismissively waves hand) That’s down the road – we’ll give notes to the casting director.

Writer 1: Hiring a big name ties into that, then.

Writer 2: About that: it goes against my instincts, but try not to write with anyone particular in mind, in case they’re not available or really don’t want to be in this; the whole concept’ll be ruined if we base it on someone who winds up not being there.

Writer 1: (Squeezes in a note on the crowded page) Gotcha.  OK, ummm…. (Flips another page) Ooh: there has to be a mystery introduced in the pilot that even we don’t know the answer to, but we’ll have 10 years to figure it out.  Maybe.

Writer 2: I did have something similar.  (Pulls out a notepad and flips through the pages) Ah yes: basically, get them hooked in Episode 1 on something that’ll be brought up sporadically throughout the series, then either never resolve it or resolve it in a way that leaves it as a problem for one or multiple spin-off series.

Writer 1: Didn’t even consider the possibility of spin-offs; intriguing.

Writer 2: Well, we are developing a franchise here: it can’t just end with the series finale, that’s too finite.

Writer 1: Makes sense.  What else you got?

Writer 2: Oh, let’s see…. (Flips a page) You’ll like this: two-to-three romantic pairings and/or triangles dragged out for years and years.  The fan fiction possibilities will be astronomical.

Writer 1: (Squeezes in more notes) Excellent point – fan fiction is the best-kept secret ingredient to franchise longevity.

Writer 2: I know, and I love reading the especially smutty ones with random pairings I never even thought of! 

Writer 1: I’d say you’re strange, but who am I to judge?

Writer 2: Exactly.  Well, I think we’re off to a good start here – want to get into actually writing the thing now or let this digest for a few more months?

Writer 1: Quick question: audience-wise, you want to gear this toward the 14-and-up bracket or Mature Audiences?

Writer 2: What do you think?

Writer 1: (Writes on the notepad) Mature Audiences it is.

ELEVEN YEARS LATER

(On a beach, Writer 1 and Writer 2 relax in lounge chairs watching the ocean as the sun gloriously sets in front of them)

Writer 1: You know, from here, I can almost not hear the masses typing how much we ruined our own show.

Writer 2: You knew the deal going in: in exchange for their love at the beginning, the fans eventually turn that love into hatred at the end.

Writer 1: Never quite prepared when it happens, though.

Writer 2: (Uses feet to play with the sand a bit) To be fair, I suppose character assassinating all their favorites and making multi-season struggles come to absolutely nothing when we blew up the entire fictional planet in the last frame of the series was a bit much on our part.

Writer 1: Yeah – guess we went a little overboard there.  I was so focused on the other hit shows’ beginnings and prime years that I forgot to pay closer attention to the few endings people were sort-of happy with.

Writer 2: I share the blame in that as well.  Typical fatal flaw of success: not knowing how to end a good thing.

Writer 1: Hm.  (Stares at the crashing ocean waves for a few moments before turning back to Writer 2) We should write a satisfying ending before starting our next hit series, then.

Writer 2: Waaaaay ahead of you.

Story 326: Celebrity Meet-and-Greet-and-Psychoanalyze

            (In the backstage green room for a talk show, that day’s celebrity guest waits for an audience member who had won a pre-show meet-and-greet)

            Celebrity: (Sitting on the couch and talking on the phone) Don’t worry, they screened this one and there’re no prior convictions or arrests…. They also checked her social media and she’s not too far out there…. Well, yeah, she is a bit obsessed but more with my career than with me personally – no worse than some of the others, and at least she hasn’t been hanging around the house peering in the windows, right?... I’m kidding, hon, I know we’re lucky that hasn’t happened yet!... I’ll be fine, Security’s right outside the door if she turns out to be a wild card, but I’m thinking it’ll be a bit of the usual fan-girling, we take some photos, she goes back to her front-row seat out in the audience, and it’s on with the show!... Yes, I’ll make sure to get -----’s autograph for you this time.  (There is knocking on the door) Oh, that’s them, gotta go – love you, bye!  (Disconnects the phone and stands, beaming widely) Come on in!

            (An assistant for the show opens the door and escorts the contest winner inside; an imposing security guard stands discreetly behind them in the corridor)

            Assistant: And here is our winner of the Meet-and-Greet!  (Slightly shoves Fan forward)

            Celebrity: (Shakes Fan’s hand) Welcome!  Lovely to meet you!

            Fan: (Head down, staring at the floor) Hi.

         Celebrity: …So, would you like something to drink, or snack on?  They said we can have anything we like here – coffee, tea, spring water, fall water, heh-heh-heh…?

            Fan: Nothing for me, thank you.

            Celebrity: …Right!  (To Assistant) I think we’re all set here, thanks!

          Assistant: OK; I’ll come back 15 minutes before start time.  (Behind Fan, Assistant mouths “Call us if she gets – ” and mimes going bonkers)

          Celebrity: (Waves off Assistant) That’s fine – thank you!  (Assistant leaves and closes the door; Celebrity looks back at Fan, smiling all the while as Fan still stares at the floor) Well!  Let’s have a seat, shall we?  (Gestures to a chair while sitting on an adjacent one; Fan sits gingerly) So! Congrats on the win – VIP treatment and all that – and so glad you could make it to the show today, I really appreciate you coming out here to support my new movie, especially this one, it was a real passion project.

            Fan: (Still looking down) Oh.  Thank you.  I mean, you’re welcome?

            Celebrity: (Laughs) So, mind if I ask you a few questions?

            Fan: Ummm, me?

          Celebrity: Yeah, mixes things up a little for me, especially right now on the old press tour, know-what-I-mean?

            Fan: Oh, yeah.

            Celebrity: Yeah… so, um, what do you do?  For a living, or just, you know, day-to-day?

            Fan: Oh, uh, I work in I.T.

            Celebrity: Oh, that’s great!

            Fan: It really isn’t.

           Celebrity: Ah.  (Drums fingers on the arm of the chair for a bit) Sorry, I don’t want to make this awkward, but seeing as I’m going to be simultaneously on stage and on screen in about half an hour, and you know how vain we performers all are, could you tell me – (Gestures around head) do I have something on my face that needs tending to?

            Fan: (Split-second peeks) No.

            Celebrity: You sure?  No stray gray hairs or sudden acne or hideous spots that’ll be magnified 1,000% by the cameras?

            Fan: Nope, you're good.

         Celebrity: Well, that’s a relief – it’s just from the way you were avoiding looking at me I thought I had something horrible going on that no one wanted to tell me about.

            Fan: (Finally looks up fully) Oh, sorry – guess I was being rude.

           Celebrity: Not at all!  This whole environment can be a bit nerve-wracking, even if you’re used to it – for instance, I just know I’m going to say something out there that everyone’ll hate me for by tomorrow, so it’s all good.

            Fan: (Solemnly) I would never.

            Celebrity: Oh, cheers.

            Fan: (Sighs) I’m sorry, I’m not being a good guest at all, it’s just….

            Celebrity: (Waits) Go on.

            Fan: Well, it’s – this is embarrassing – I was so excited to meet you today, and really nervous, and then, I had a dream about you last night.

            Celebrity: (Frozen smile and wide eyes) Oh?

            Fan: Oh don’t worry, it wasn’t gross or anything.

            Celebrity: Of course not.

            Fan: It’s just that, you’re an actual human being, not some character, and also you’re married and have kids, and the dream I had of you was really nice, for me, and now I feel like I exploited you or something.

            Celebrity: Oh, no worries; it wasn’t real, you know?

            Fan: I know, but it still feels like I invaded your privacy.

            Celebrity: It can’t have been as bad as all that – what happened, if I may ask?

          Fan: Well, it’s a bit jumbled now – you sure you want to hear someone trying to describe a dream they only half-remember?  I wouldn’t.

            Celebrity: Too late: if I’m starring in it, I have to know what happened.

            Fan: OK, um, it was one of those where you’re in a movie you’ve just seen – I mean, I was in one of your movies, from this year –

           Celebrity: Hang on – I’ve got three movies the studios all released at the same time, so is it the legal drama one or the murder mystery one or the comic superhero one?

            Fan: The comic superhero one.

            Celebrity: Ah, my bread and butter.  Proceed.

           Fan: OK, so I was in it, but not any scene I remember from the movie, just kind of rushing around, and then you were there – well actually, your character was there –

            Celebrity: (Leaning on hand in interest) Of course.

            Fan: And, I forget how, but we wound up sitting on some steps somewhere, and I was hugging you from behind, and then started slowly rocking you back and forth, like I was comforting a child, know what I mean?

            Celebrity: Mm-hm.  And then what?

            Fan: And that’s it.

         Celebrity: That’s it?  That’s not so bad – I’ve heard much worse, believe me.  (Shudders)

          Fan: I guess, but when I woke up all I kept thinking was how it felt nice for me at your expense.

            Celebrity: No worries – I’m fine.

            Fan: I also realized that, if it had been real, or at least a real person, I’d be thinking it felt nice but he’d be thinking, “OK, you can stop now.”

           Celebrity: Well, if anyone thought that then you shouldn’t be wasting your time with them.  Are you in a relationship now where you think they feel that way?

         Fan: No, but I’m afraid of getting stuck in one and not realizing it until way after the resentment’s set in.

            Celebrity: Well, all I can say is, you’ll either meet the love of your life like I did and put up with each other’s peccadillos, or you’ll do just fine on your own.

            Fan: Thanks.  Not to sound like a stalker, but I like how you guys seem to have such a stable life – your family seems awesome.

            Celebrity: They certainly are, which is why I’m seriously considering flying back home after the show today and skipping out on the rest of the press tour, I miss them so much.

            Fan: Good for you!  I hardly watch these things myself – I’m gonna go see the movie anyway, so why bother with all this extra advertising?

            Celebrity: That’s what I said!

            (Knock on the door, then Assistant enters)

            Assistant: Fifteen minutes!  (Mouths to Celebrity “Need the cops?”)

            Celebrity: Thank you, be right out!  (Assistant leaves; Celebrity and Fan stand) So, our time’s unfortunately up – wait a minute, I forgot to ask if you wanted any swag from the movie that I can sign for you, shoot!  (Starts frantically going through a case of tie-in merchandise and tossing items onto the couch)

            Fan: It’s OK, I don’t need any of that – I don’t even need the photo with you.

            Celebrity: Huh?

            Fan: This whole situation got me thinking: it’s really unfair that you’re made to feel like you owe people forced interactions, when it should be that you do your performance, we pay you to watch it, The End.  Instead you also have to do stuff like this, make small talk with randos who’ve dug up a lot more of your personal information than you’ll ever learn about us, which puts you at an extreme disadvantage in almost every conversation and makes you have to be polite and pleasant and “on,” all the time, even to people who are being extremely rude and inconveniencing you and your family and friends.

            Celebrity: Oh.  Well, it is part of the job when you start making an extremely large amount of money.  I don’t mind.

            Fan: Is it?  And don’t you?  I mean, it must be weird going from just being known by your small inner circle to total strangers stopping you everywhere so you can’t even go out to dinner anymore.  I’d feel penned-in, and scared some psycho’d think they were in love with me and owned my life when they hadn’t even known my name a few years ago.  And all because you’re an entertainer and like to make people laugh, and cry, and think, and try to make the world just a little bit better.

            Celebrity: (Near tears) Finally!  Someone who gets it!