Story 499: Dueling 4th of July Parties

(In a suburban backyard, there are USA flags, red-white-and-blue streamers, Declaration of Independence replicas, and barbecue everywhere; family and friends make merry and completely take over the inground pool, hot tub, swing set, patio furniture, and cornhole boards while party music plays on a boombox)

Guest 1: (Reclined on a deck chair next to Guest 2 while keeping an eye on three children playing hide-and-seek in the pool) I agree that making Juneteenth a federal holiday was long overdue – the problem is, my job doesn’t count it as one of the few paid holidays we get.  I mean, what if I wanted to go to a barbecue that day, hm?

Guest 2: …I think you’re missing the point.

Guest 1: Probably.  (Sits up abruptly to yell at the children in the pool) Knock it off!

Guest 3: (In the pool) Why, what’d we do?!

Guest 1: You know what I told you: no horseplay while you’re in the pool –kittenplay only!

Guest 3: But how do we know what’s horseplay in here?!

Guest 1: By the volume of water being displaced, now go back to doing laps until I tell you to stop!

Guest 3: Aw, nuts.  (The three children start doing laps around the pool, angling away from the inner-tubers and others lounging about)

Guest 1: (Lies back on the chair) I tell ya – these kids’ll drive you to drink.  (Sips from a funky glass filled with pink lemonade)

Guest 2: I’ll say; glad mine are all grown up and have their own kids to worry about now.

Guest 4: (Yelling across the backyard to another group of three children) HEY!  (The children look up simultaneously) Do NOT drink from that hose!  (The children blink once, then lean down simultaneously to drink from the hose) I’M COMING OVER THERE!  (The children drop the hose and flee shrieking as Guest 4 chases after them)

Guest 2: (To Guest 1) Yep: Life’s sweetest revenge.

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the music in the backyard; Host rushes out from the kitchen and hops onto a large rock to lean over the back fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which is a mirror image of the current backyard in terms of pool, patio, accessories, and guests)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 1 and waves) Hey!

Neighbor 1: (Waves back from watching a mini-soccer tournament, then walks over to the fence) Hey there, neighbor!  Happy 4^th of July!

Host: Same to you – listen, could you lower your music a bit, please?  It’s drowning out ours.

Neighbor 1: Oh, sure.  (Gestures to a guest to turn down the music a bit) But I gotta warn you, everyone else on the block’s having their party today, so I think we’re all going to be drowning each other out at some point.

Host: What?!  I thought I was the only one having mine five days early!  Why is no one having their party actually on the 4^th this year?!

Neighbor 1: Well, let’s face it: who wants a summer barbecue and late-evening hijinks on a Tuesday?

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other two players; Host runs to the left fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other two yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 2 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 2: (Floating serenely on a pool raft while surrounded by splashing chaos) Hey; `sup?

Host: Could you turn down your super-loud music so we all can hear our own, please?!

Neighbor 2: Not possible, my friend: got at least three relatives who’re hard of hearing, and this is the volume where they like it.

Host: Oh.  Never mind then, I guess.

Neighbor 2: Much appreciated….  (Floats away on a rippling wave as 10 children cannonball into the pool)

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other three players; Host runs to the right fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other three yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 3 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 3: (Focused intently on an active barbecue grill) Hi – can’t talk now, got the burgers on.  Need to keep track which ones are medium-rare and which ones are well-done.

Neighbor 4: (Standing next to Neighbor 3) They’re all done well, honey.

Neighbor 3: Thanks babe, but you know this is an unforgiving crowd.

Host: Can one of you please turn down your music just a bit so we all can hear our own at our parties that we all decided to hold at the exact same time?!

Neighbor 3: (Carefully starts flipping burgers) Well, that’s the thing: everybody’s sound systems are so dang loud, I need mine to block all of them out so I can concentrate.  (Freezes in horror) I flipped five of these too early!  (Frantically flips them back)

Host: (Using index finger and thumb to demonstrate) Maybe turn the dial just a tad, just a smidgen –

Neighbor 3: (Finally looks up at Host to wail) GO AWAYYYYY!!!!!!

Host: (Drops back down behind the fence) Yikes.

(Suddenly, fireworks and firecrackers go off above Neighbor 1’s backyard; one lands in Host’s pool and fizzles out)

Kids: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Neighbor 1: (Peers over the fence) Whoops – everyone OK?

Guest 1: (Having run over to the children and grabbed the firework to fling it out of the water and onto the concrete) NO!  I mean yes, but NO!  What do you think you’re doing?!

Host: (Hops back onto the rock on that side of the fence) Yeah, it’s not even sunset yet, come on!

Guest 1: (To Host) You mean, “Don’t set those off in the backyard right next to another house,” don’t you?!

Host: Yeah, that too!  (Turns to Guest 5 standing next to a pile of fireworks near the house and motions for them to be moved to the front yard)

Neighbor 1: Well, that’s hours away and this party needs some livening up what with the quieter music and all, so I figured, “Why not now?”  Got enough to go non-stop for 12 hours anyway, so no harm.

Neighbor 2: (With raft still attached, peering over the fence) You setting off fireworks now?  Great idea!

Host: No it is not!  Now is not the time of day for fireworks, it’s the time of day for eating!

Guest 6: (Comes up to Host) Sorry to interrupt: you want me to turn on the grill so everyone can start eating soon?

Host: NOT NOW!  (Guest 6 immediately turns around and makes a beeline to the dwindling potato chip bowl)

Neighbor 3: (Peers coldly over the fence) I’d like to inform all of you that your shenanigans have completely ruined my burgers.  (Other guests from that party also peer coldly over that side of the fence)

Host, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2: (All point at each other) They started it!

Neighbor 3: (Pours every ounce of contempt into the word) Neighbors.  (Lowers back down behind the fence, along with guests; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overheard)

Host: (To Neighbor 1) See what you started!

Neighbor 1: Hey, you started it with the loud music first; the rest of us have to look out for our own!

Neighbor 2: And for once, I was having no stress this year – now that that’s spoiled, I’m gonna start setting off my fireworks, too!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overhead)

Neighbor 1: Party on!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks resume going off overhead)

Host: Fine!  If you all insist on being immature, irresponsible, thoughtless, careless hooligans, then there’s no point in me not being one either!  (Hops off the rock and stomps over to the relocated fireworks, passing Guest 6 on the way)

Guest 6: Food…?

Host: Tell everyone to eat all the sides and skip to dessert – we’re doing fireworks now!

Guest 6: But that’s six hours ahead of schedule.

Host: (Arranges the fireworks and the hose in the driveway and street and grabs a candle lighter) Nobody cares anymore!

(Fireworks fill the sky over that part of the neighborhood, although much of the effect is lost due to the bright afternoon sun; other neighbors come out to watch in concern until four police cars pull up in front of Host’s house on the corner)

Host: (With a smudged face and frazzled hair, pauses while lighting a pinwheel as Police Officer approaches) Hello, Officer – would you like some potato salad, or orzo?

Police Officer: No thanks: we just spoke with your adjacent neighbors and told them what I’m telling you now: normally we leave all this be, but with all four of you setting off fireworks at the same time right next to each other, you’re gonna have to stop before you burn the neighborhood down.  Plus all your other neighbors say the competing music’s too dang loud.

Host: Ah.  (Sets down the candle lighter) I suppose you’re here to confiscate the rest of the goodies, then.

Police Officer: You suppose correctly.  (Host assists Police Officers with loading the remaining fireworks into the four cars)  Enjoy your barbecue.  (The cars drive away)

Host: (Stares after the departing cars) Didn’t even wish me a Happy 4^th.

Guest 6: It’s not the 4^th yet.

Host: We’re clearly observing it today!  (Returns to the backyard where the rest of the guests are eating sides and dessert, walks over to the boombox, and slams the power button; the sudden silence reveals that no music is playing from the other yards, either) Well folks, the fireworks and music shows have ended for this year.

Guest 2: Good – we couldn’t see much up there anyway, and my ears will be ringing for the rest of the week.

(Neighbors 1-3 peer over their respective fences; Host walks to the back of the yard to be equidistant from each side)

Neighbor 1: They take the rest of your fireworks?

Host: Yeah – you?

Neighbor 1: Yeah.

Neighbor 2: Yeah.

Neighbor 3: Yeah.

(All four stare at each other for a few moments)

Host, Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2, and Neighbor 3: Worth it.

Story 470: Avoiding Stress This Christmas Season by Avoiding This Christmas Season

“That’s it!  This year, I’m not doing anything for Christmas!  And that includes the entire month of December and post-Thanksgiving November!”

“OK, Scrooge.”

“Listen, I’m not doing this to be mean, greedy, and selfish; I’m just taking a year off from the rat race that is ‘The Most Wonderful Time of the Year.’”

“How do you mean?”

“I’m tired of running around 10 times more than I already run around on a daily basis!  This year, I don’t want to spend half my paycheck and all my free time shopping for presents that aren’t for me!  Or wrapping and decorating and lighting and baking and caroling, all for other people!  Or sitting through concerts I don’t even know how I got invited to support featuring people I don’t even know!  Or sludging through traffic for hundreds of miles to visit people who don’t want to be there, either!”

“I’m sure they actually do want to – ”

“Stress!”

“Oh, you’re still going.”

“So much stress, and for what?!”

“Well, goodwill toward – ”

“No!  This year, I’m going to take care of me for a change: no extra trips, no extra expenses, no extra time I’ll never get back, no extra demands on my attention or affection, just blissful peace and quiet!  A humdrum season, and a serene day off from work!”

“OK, go for it.”

“I – wait, seriously?”

“You seem to really need it, so do it.  You take care of you.”

“Oh.  I figured I’d get more pushback.”

“You’ve already revved yourself up enough; no need for me to add to it.”

 WEEK 1

“Hi!  So, we’re having the Office Holiday Party next Thursday – ”

“Nope!  Spending that night soaking in a bubble bath while listening to smooth jazz.”

“Oh.  We’re taking contributions for food and doing a Secret Santa, though.”

“Even more reason for me to keep my date with the bath.”

 WEEK 2

“Here: I got you a little something for Christmas.”

“Please keep it: I’m not giving anyone anything this year, and I expect the same.”

“Oh.  It’s OK, you don’t have to get me anything – ”

“I refuse both the gift and the guilt.  I also refuse to see the interior of a mall or any kind of retail store for the next six weeks.”

“Wow.  I think I’m kind of jealous – whoever thought you could just not shop this time of year?”

“I did.”

 WEEK 3

“What’s this about you not coming to your cousins’ house this Christmas?!”

“Ah yes, I’ve been expecting this call: I will convey my love and regards to everyone in the entire family and assurances that this is not a reflection upon them, but otherwise no one will see my face or hear my voice this Yuletide.  I reject the whole ordeal this year, and you all have my permission to trash-talk me behind my back the entire day.”

“If you don’t show up, I’m – going to be extremely disappointed.”

“That is unfortunate, but unavoidable.”

“Well, just know that we most certainly are going to talk about you behind your back, but we still love you no matter what.”

“Love you too, Mom.”

 CHRISTMAS DAY

            “Hello?”

“Merry Christmas!  I know you’re in isolation mode, but I had to ask: how’s the serenity?”

“Merry Christmas to you, too!  Yes, while I’m sure you’re currently in Hour 3 of your trek to Grandmother’s House where chaos awaits, I am relaxing on my couch in fluffy pajamas, sipping a cup of hot cocoa, listening to perennial favorites on the radio, and facing an entire day free from the Christmas Onslaught and all its trimmings.”

“Great!  You’re right, we’re stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic and heading for a house filled with 50 humans and 20 cats, dogs, and birds; I’m exhausted already.  So, your set-up sounds like it’s exactly what you wanted: absolute peace and quiet.  How does it feel?”

“…Kind of boring, actually.”

Story 457: The Unbiased Film Critic

Unbiased Film Critic (online video channel)

1.5M subscribers

Video #1,372: “Unbiased Review of The Reason for Existing”

3.7M views

157, 694 likes

2,813 Comments

(Unbiased Film Critic is seated in an overstuffed armchair, looking and sounding extremely haggard while holding an energy drink with the logo blurred out; there is a plain blue background throughout the video)

Unbiased Film Critic: Hello folks, and welcome to Episode Number… I don’t even know what I’m up to on these, of Unbiased Film Critic.  You know the drill: I spend my days and nights watching gajillions of movies made all over the world, and then turn around and give it to you straight, so you can make a well-balanced decision on whether to spend your hard-earned money and hours of your life that you really can’t spare on studio bonuses, suspicious popcorn, liquid sugar, and 30 minutes of commercials before, during, and after the film.  (Takes a swig of the energy drink) AND, with the advent of streaming services forcing themselves into every aspect of our leisure time, if you are considering watching a movie there instead of in a theater, I’m here to help you with the cost-benefit ratio of your subscription.  I like to think I provide an invaluable service to the public, otherwise, what is the point of my existence, which I am not even posing as a rhetorical question.  So: today, I’m going to talk to you about the much-anticipated, astronomically-budgeted, in-your-face marketed, awards-bait new release this weekend, The Reason for Existing.  (Shifts in the chair trying to get more comfortable) Let me get this out of the way right now: I hated it.  I thought every single character and corresponding actor – with the exception of the dog, because of course – was the most irritating person it has been my misfortune to witness, either on the silver screen or in everyday life; none of the production design was pleasing to my eyes; the director’s choices in nearly every aspect of the film’s journey hurt my core being; the list goes on.  (Shifts in the chair again) Having said that, I will also attest that this is possibly the greatest film to have ever been created in the history of cinema.  And let me tell you why.

[Opening title card for the video: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Tell You THE TRUTH”]

Unbiased Film Critic: (Takes another swig of the energy drink) I won’t beat around the bush: when I say this film has everything anyone could ever want in a moving picture, I am not saying it lightly.  It covers all the genres, but primarily action, thriller, sci-fi, fantasy, comedy, romance, and documentary; there is a cast of literally thousands – the end credits for them alone took 45 minutes; so many themes are covered that I lost count a tenth of the way in; and the main plot really boils down to: “Why are we here, anyway?”  No one knows for certain, but this film makes the bold attempt in trying to answer that.  There are scores of subplots that I lost interest in, but not one of them was dropped and they all tied in seamlessly with the main story.  The significance of this piece is so immense, that I’m doing one of my rare departures from my solo act and invited a few of the filmmakers to say, in their own words, why this movie was so darn good, as it simultaneously ate away at my very soul.

(Now facing the camera from a different angle with a guest sitting opposite)

Unbiased Film Critic: Joining me today is the film’s soundtrack composer, who is said to have spent two years in prep work alone before writing a single note for this score – (Turns to the guest) is that actually correct?

Composer: Yes, thank you; this film was such a passion project for all of us involved, I really wanted to immerse myself in the world that was being created before I could begin working on even the basic themes for the characters and the piece in general.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and you chose strings as your primary instruments in the score, yes?

Composer: Oh yes, those definitely were the instruments to really capture what we were trying to convey here: the desperation for connection these characters yearned for, that also resonates in all things throughout the universe.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And as my ears took in sounds akin to a multitude of cats being strangled whilst reciting “The Star-Spangled Banner,” (Composer double-takes) each theme, movement, and change in time signature so aptly fit the evolving narrative and emotional underpinnings of each scene, that I don’t think movie audiences will ever experience the likes of such perfection in orchestration ever again – how did you do it?

Composer: Ummmm… it was a team effort?

Unbiased Film Critic: Really.

Composer: It was a lot of hard work by a lot of talented people.

Unbiased Film Critic: And so it seems.  I will forever be saddled with the ear worm of the tormented souls of the underworld, but rest assured, you have truly created a masterpiece in the flawless union of film and music.

Composer: Ummmm… thanks?

Unbiased Film Critic: You’re welcome.  (They stare at each other for a few moments) OK, we’re done here.

Composer: Oh-thank-goodness.  (Hastily vaults out of the chair)

            (Cut to Unbiased Film Critic facing the front again and now holding several pieces of paper instead of the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: The director of this epic work is currently filming evidence of human rights violations in all 200-ish countries of the world and so, unfortunately, could not join me on this session, so instead I will read from a letter that I had written with my interview questions, and then the response.  (Unfolds the papers while putting on a pair of glasses) I’ll skip the preliminaries and go straight to the meat… ah!  Here it is: (Reads) “Your use of Dutch angles brilliantly conveyed the uncertainty of the characters’ reality and maintained suspense effectively throughout the film, while also giving me an extreme case of vertigo from which, I fear, I may never recover.  Do you make such choices consistently with intention, or is it your unconscious mind that inspires this, dare I say, genius?”  (Turns to another page) Another of my questions was… (Reads) “The cacophony of sounds, visuals, and plot overwhelmed my senses to the point where I needed to spend the remainder of the day and night with the blinds drawn and doors closed to the world, in order to reset my entire body back to default mode – since these elements were so apt in conveying the film’s messages of hope vs. nihilism, did you come up with the entire overloaded palette on your own, or did you collaborate with the screenwriter to create such an effective tour de force of chaos?”  (Unfolds another piece of paper) To which the response was… (Reads) “I’m sorry, were these compliments or are you being sarcastic?”  (Takes off the glasses and faces the camera) I was unable to complete another volley of correspondence before this video needed to be posted online, so I will simply answer that question to my questions with another question: “Do you not know me at all?”

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic sitting opposite another guest)

Unbiased Film Critic: Here with me now is the aforementioned screenwriter, whose life work has culminated in this story of unbridled mayhem, awkward true lust, irritating personalities, and the true meaning of life.  (Turns to Screenwriter) Welcome.

Screenwriter: (Uncertain) Hi….

Unbiased Film Critic: My question for you is this: with all your characters’ quirks, peccadillos, and off-puttingness in general, did you base them on any actual human beings of your acquaintance in order to make them so true-to-life and meaningful?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… I just wrote what I notice a lot of people are like.

Unbiased Film Critic: (Nodding) Brilliant.  And was the love story, of which the schmaltz practically had me gagging for 129 of the 417-minute runtime, intentionally created to be so resonating and universal from the start, or did some of that come from the actors’ work on the role and their natural, riveting chemistry with each other?

Screenwriter: Uhhh… mostly me, but some of them.

Unbiased Film Critic: Uh-huh.  And the dialogue –

Screenwriter: (Wincing) Yeah?

Unbiased Film Critic: I predicted the punch lines of all the jokes and the outcomes of almost all the arguments.

Screenwriter: Yeah…?

Unbiased Film Critic: This is not a question, but I really must say, those were all so authentic and genuine that I was nodding in agreement for the entire piece, as I simultaneously gripped the front of the armrests of the theater lounge chair to counteract the cringe.

Screenwriter: Uhhh… thank you?

Unbiased Film Critic: (Turns to the camera) I don’t why my interview subjects say it that way.

(Cut to Unbiased Film Critic solo again, back to holding the energy drink)

Unbiased Film Critic: As I wrap this up, I realize that I now need to spend more hours than usual on post-production for this video, which I dread with all my essence.  Once upon a time, I used to write film review articles for newspapers and magazines; I even had my own column for a bit, as some of my more “mature” viewers may remember.  (Empties the can and tosses it into an off-screen bin)  Now, to remain relevant with the kids and maintain a steady income, I had to teach myself to create these videos for the “likes” and “subscribes” and “ad revenue,” cutting into the precious two hours of sleep I get each night after watching film upon film upon film, occasionally having to schedule interviews like the ones you saw earlier, reviewing my notes on the piece to get my thoughts in order, actually filming the videos with five billion takes for every 30 seconds, adding in special effects like clips and sound effects just to keep you all from getting “bored” – which I didn’t bother with this time, because too bad – and then editing everything together to form one coherent piece that takes up enough airtime to justify the commercials.  In short, I myself had to become a filmmaker, in order to continue a career in critiquing films.  Trust me when I say, the irony is not lost.  (Reaches off-screen to grab another energy drink, opens the tab, and takes a swig) In conclusion: The Reason for Existing should and probably will win every film award ever made; you all should go see it if you haven’t already and have your soul filled with profundity; and even if I never see it again, it’s too late for my worn-out nerves.  Thank you for watching, and now I’m off to see “Horror in My Mind” to review for you next – it promises to be another assault on all my senses, that will contain momentous messages on compassion and the true natures of good and evil.  I’ll let you know tomorrow, after I’ve taken a nap, on:

[Title card: “Unbiased Film Critic: I Will Bash Films That I Enjoy Immensely If They Are Absolute Rot”]