[Disclaimer:
This is definitely not inspired by a true story; just a “What If?”]
(At a happening club in a major city, Fan and Friend stand on the fringes of a packed dance floor, taking in the frenetically swaying crowd, the dim swirling lights, and the pulse-pounding music)
Fan: (Looking like a typical nerd with glasses, ponytail, and non-club clothing; yells in Friend’s ear to be heard) I can’t believe I’m really here! Thank you so much for inviting me to come along – this is gonna be the best night of my life!
Friend: (Dressed for the nightlife; sips from a drink before yelling back) No sweat! Who knew working hundreds of hours as an unpaid intern in a dead-end career would mildly pay off, so I figured, share the joy when I can, know-what-I-mean?
Fan: Yes, this is awesome! I never get to go anywhere exciting like this – it’s so much fun!
Friend: Yeah, and on top of that you may get to finally meet your #1 celebrity crush any minute now! (Checks watch) Yep, he’s late as usual – he thinks it adds to his allure, but then he winds up getting stuck in traffic and it just makes him even later!
Fan: Oh yeah, that! It’ll be nice just to see him sort-of in-person across the room, late or not! Who knows, maybe he’ll even see me wave!
Friend: Oh yes, please do restrain yourself! (They both laugh) Seriously though, I can try to get you close enough for an autograph, and you might even get to say “Hi” if you’re lucky!
Fan: Oh, thanks, but I don’t think I’m brave enough for that! I’d probably stutter even on the one word!
Friend: Yeah, he has that effect on pretty much everyone these days! I still can’t see it myself: he’s always been polite the few times we’ve interacted, but other than good looks and charm and that certain something, I really don’t get the appeal! (Takes another sip)
Fan: I can’t explain it either – (Eyes suddenly widening in glee, she starts moderately hopping up-and-down and pointing at the club entrance while grasping Friend’s shoulder with the other hand; the clubgoers all go bonkers in that direction) Ooh! Ooh! There he is, he’s here!
(The clubgoers swam toward the entrance as Celebrity arrives with an entourage; security staff members manage the crowd as the group makes its way through the club)
Celebrity: (Wearing sunglasses and smiling broadly at everyone, shaking random hands and scribbling autographs on held-out photos, T-shirts, and cocktail napkins) Hello everyone! Hi! Yes! Thank you! Great to see you all! I failed penmanship in school but no one cares! This is the best party ever!
Clubgoer: (Toward the back of the crowd) I LOVE YOU!
Celebrity: Yes, I love you all, too! (The crowd roars in happiness) Now: let’s boogie all! Night! Long! (Dances surrounded by cheering clubgoers as security staff members run interference)
Friend: (To Fan) You sure you don’t want to try getting a little closer? You just might be able to see the perspiration, and maybe even hear the hyperventilation!
Fan: (With hands clasped in front of her chest, watching Celebrity in muted awe) No, thank you! This is enough.
Friend: Whelp, at least we got in for free, if nothing else! (Finishes the drink and gestures at a passing server to request another one) I’ll be right back – need a refill!
Fan: (Nods without looking away from Celebrity) Uh-huh; have fun!
Friend: …Yeah, OK! (Follows server to get a new drink)
(During the ongoing dance, Fan continues to watch Celebrity with a soft smile on her face. In mid-move, Celebrity spins around and suddenly freezes on seeing Fan. He whips off his sunglasses as he and Fan lock eyes for several long moments while time briefly stops for both. They stare at each other in a perfect moment as the club disappears around them, until Celebrity pockets the sunglasses and urgently makes his way through the crowd to Fan, with security staff members flanking him)
Fan: (In a small voice as Celebrity quickly approaches) Is he actually coming this way…? (Lowers hands)
Celebrity: (Stops breathlessly in front of Fan) Hi!
Fan: (Squeaks out) Hi!
Celebrity: I’m ------!
Fan: (Beaming brightly as security staff members unobtrusively run a metal detector wand around her and scan her face and fingerprints to run a background check) Yes, I know! I’m --------!
Celebrity: (Appearing amazed) It’s really you, then!
Fan: (Looks uncertainly from side-to-side, still smiling at Celebrity) It sure is!
Celebrity: (Shakes head quickly to clear it) I mean, it’s you: The One I’ve Been Waiting For All My Life!
Fan: Oh, right! (Laughs nervously, then stops smiling) For real?
Celebrity: (Smiling ecstatically) Yes! I knew I would know the moment I saw you that you were The One, and here you are at last, after all my years of loneliness and searching!
Fan: (Starts smiling again) Oh! Yes, well, here I am! It’s so nice to meet you! In person, that is – of course I’ve seen all your movies and that one TV show you did when you were a teenager! Not that I’m obsessed or anything! (Holds her arms straight out as a security staff member gives her a brief pat down) Anyway, nice to meet you, in real life!
Celebrity: Oh, --------! (Laughs, then leans in intensely) This is more than nice.
Fan: (Almost hypnotized by the stare) Wow.
(Security staff members give thumbs-up to Celebrity, who barely notices)
Celebrity: (Holds out a hand to Fan) Shall we waltz?
Fan: (Taking his hand) Oh, well actually, this music seems to be more of the mosh-pit variety –
Celebrity: (Chuckles, sweeping Fan out onto the dance floor and then pulling her in close) I’m sure there’s an orchestra playing somewhere.
Fan: Oh my.
(Oblivious to the high-decibel instrumentation and the confused and jealous clubgoers all around them, Celebrity and Fan stare deeply into each other’s eyes as the sway and somewhat dance to the music in their heads; both mentally latch onto “The Blue Danube” since that is the only waltz they know. The clubgoers eventually go back to dancing or filming the two as security staff members follow them around the dance floor to maintain a perimeter of semi-privacy. Celebrity and Fan dance for a few minutes of imaginary paradise, smiling wider and wider with each passing moment. Eventually, they gradually slow down to a stop, and then there is that hesitation which just may lead to a kiss….)
Celebrity: So, I’m flying out to Paris in the morning.
Fan: (Shakes herself out of the reverie) Oh. Really?
Celebrity: Yeah, it’s this new movie I’m working on; you probably heard about it by now – one of those blockbusters that takes place in about 20 different counties, so we all have to actually go out and film in 20 different countries; that whole thing.
Fan: Oh, my.
Celebrity: Yeah, it’s a real drag. (Shakes hair in emphasis on the last two words) I mean, in this day and age, we’ve got CGI, we’ve got stock footage, we’ve got sets – no one would ever really know we’re not really saying our lines in Rome or Fiji or Tokyo or wherever, you know?
Fan: Tokyo?
Celebrity: Yeah, but it’s all part of the gig, I get it – we all gotta do our part and make the sacrifice for our job – art! – or whatever, right?
Fan: Oh yes, make the sacrifice….
Celebrity: (Takes Fan’s hand again and gazes intensely into her eyes once more) Anyway, what I wanted to ask, my darling –
Fan: (Leans in, almost swooning) Yes?
Celebrity: Would you like to… tag along?
Fan: …What?
Celebrity: I’m sure I could smuggle you onto the payroll as another “assistant” – (Does the air quotes) the world would know the truth, but there’s nothing they could do about it and we wouldn’t care about them, would we, my angel?
Fan: Um… well….
Celebrity: (Briefly sweeps away dramatically) Oh yes, I’m sure you have… family, or… a job, or… something, BUT – (Leans in closer for emphasis) when the Universe finally has the chips falling our way, do you really want to walk away without opening that door, hm?
Fan: (Confused by the mixed metaphors) Um….
Celebrity: (Suddenly concerned) Your passport’s in order and everything, right? (Fan nods her head) No criminal record that I should know about, right? (Fan shakes her head) Great! (Now holding Fan’s hand with both of his own) Say you’ll come with, my dearest, my love, my soul’s other half! I don’t think I could bear being parted from you for even a day – I don’t care what everyone says, video conferencing isn’t the same, it just isn’t!
Fan: (Looks up to think) Well….
Celebrity: (Falls to his knees) Yes?
Fan: (Looks back down at Celebrity) Well… if this is Fate, then I’m all in!
Celebrity: Yes! (Stands back up and hugs Fan, lifting her up to spin her around then sets her back down) I’ll call my agent to book everything for you now! (Slightly turns away to pull out a cellphone and makes the call)
Fan: (Smiling in bliss, turns around and sees Friend) Oh. Hi there!
Friend: (Holding a new drink and staring at Fan in disbelief) Yeah… hi... what was that all about?
Fan: (Comes a few steps closer) So, you’re not gonna believe this, but I’m going to Paris tomorrow, hee-hee-hee!
Friend: Uh-huh.
Fan: With ------ -----! (Almost squeals in delight)
Friend: Uh-huh.
Fan: Ooh, are you gonna be there, too?! That would be great if we could all go together, it’d be so much fun!
Friend: No, the nonexistent budget for my position doesn’t cover international film shoots; I just work in the local office.
Fan: Aw, too bad. I’ll make sure to write you, though!
Friend: Yeah, about that: do you have any idea what you’re getting yourself into?!
Fan: …A plane?
Friend: No, doofus: you’re going to another country with a stranger! And not just any stranger – a stranger whose every move is followed by the entire world!
Fan: Pff, he’s not a stranger, he’s ------ -----; everyone knows him, and no real dirt’s been turned up on him – yet.
Friend: Yeah, but you don’t know him, not really! You literally just met him tonight, and this is all his – (Sweeps arms in the general direction of Celebrity) Public Persona, carefully cultivated and maintained for years to the point where he can’t turn it off anymore! Even I’ve never seen him just be himself, and I’ve worked with him for months!
Fan: Well, it turns out that he’s my The One, and I’m his The One, and neither you nor any of our inevitable naysayers can do anything to thwart our love!
Friend: Love?! Does he even know your name?!
Fan: Of course he – ! (Thinks for a few moments) Yes! Yes, I told him! (Quietly to self) Whew.
Friend: Oh, well, that’s a relief; for a moment there I was worried, but now I know everything will go swimmingly!
Fan: You’re just jealous!
Friend: Of what, the disaster you’re setting yourselves up for, or the paparazzi who’ll be your new best friends?!
Fan: Of OUR LOVE!
Friend: You know, I think you both actually believe that’s what this is.
Fan: (Raises head in injured dignity) One day, you’ll regret everything you’ve said here after we’ve shown how wrong you are, you –
Celebrity: (Holding the phone against his shoulder) `Scuse me, hon – (Fan turns to Celebrity) sorry to interrupt, but my agent’s ordering the plane ticket now and is asking: how do you spell your name?
Fan: (Icily turns back to Friend) I’ll be back in a minute. If you’re gone by the time we’re done, I’ll make sure to find a spare moment to call you from France. (Turns back to Celebrity and they walk away from Friend, arms around each other’s shoulders and heads touching)
Friend:
(Sarcastically shouting after them) Yeah, yeah – say “Hi” to the Eiffel Tower
for me!
THREE
MONTHS LATER
(A large crowd has gathered at the front entrance of a hospital, with police and security officers maintaining control. Their volume and activity increase when a car parks in the employee lot and Fan emerges, hurrying through with officers’ assistance as photos are taken, signs are shaken, and questions are shouted at her)
Crowd Member 1: --------! Is it true you and ------ ----- secretly got married while he was filming in Reykjavík this year?!
Crowd Member 2: -------! Is it true that you’re secretly pregnant with ------ -----‘s decuplets?!
Fan: (Turns slightly at that one while still walking) What?! Is that even physically possible?
Crowd Member 3: --------! Is it true you were abducted by extraterrestrials 10 years ago and now are trying to get ------ ----- abducted as well?!
Fan: (Not turning back) I can’t believe that one’s still going around.
Crowd Member 4: Will you be his quote-unquote assistant forever?!
Crowd Member 5: What about the fraud charges he’s currently under investigation for?!
Crowd Member 6: What about the fraud charges you also may be currently under investigation for?!
Crowd Member 7: Does your “D” in high school Chemistry affect his estimation of you as a suitable life partner?!
Crowd Member 8: Does he know about that shoplifting incident when you were 7?!
Crowd Member 9: Do you know about his shoplifting incident when he was 27?!
Crowd Member 10: Do you know he has a step-father?!
Crowd Member 11: Does he know you have a half-sister?!
Crowd Member 12: Do you know that he may have a love child or children?!
Crowd Member 13: Do you have a love child?!
Crowd Member 14: Are you his love child?!
Fan: (Stops at the hospital’s front doors, then slowly turns around to face the crowd) Listen: I’ve put up with being followed all around the world, and then at the grocery store and while getting a haircut when I got back home, but today is my first day back at work after being on leave, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go in there and save some lives today!
Crowd Member 15: Ha! We all know you’re just an administrative assistant!
Fan: Rude.
Crowd Member 16: (To Crowd Member 15) Yeah, she’s on the front lines with everyone else there – she’s a healthcare hero!
Fan: (Smooths hair back a bit) Well, I wouldn’t say “hero” exactly –
Crowd Member 15: (To Crowd Member 16) She’s at the back of the front lines and supports the actual heroes! She’s got borrowed glory!
Crowd Member 16: She provides vital support, which is more than you’ve ever done with your life!
(They start whacking each other with their signs; the rest of the crowd joins in the fray as Fan rushes into the hospital and up to her department’s office)
Manager: (Seated at a desk, looks up from a computer as Fan hurries in through the door) Hey, look who’s back! I thought you said you were coming in next week?
Fan: (Dumping personal bags onto a dusty desk) Yeah, well, I was hoping to head off the crowds, but I forgot they know everything about everyone so that failed spectacularly.
Manager: (Goes over to a window and peers down at the front entrance of the building) Ooh, yeah, see what you mean.
Fan: (Sits at the desk and starts up the computer as Manager returns to the other desk) So, thanks again for letting me take all this time off with… no real notice.
Manager: Not at all! You had a lot of vacation time backed up, and we managed; this also has been the most exciting thing to happen here in years, so I do expect to hear all about it at some point.
Fan: (Smiles) I’ll type up a report just for you.
Manager: (Starts typing) Awesome. Also, I’d already sent a memo out to the team that they’d better leave you alone when you came back, so I’ll just send a notice that it’s effective immediately instead of next Monday.
Fan: (Looks over at a door with a window, sees team members standing on the other side smiling and waving, and smiles and waves back) Thanks – appreciate it.
Manager: (After sending the e-mail, goes to Fan’s desk as the latter wipes down the computer) Sooo….
Fan: (Looks up at Manager) Yep?
Manager: (Trying to contain excitement) What was it like?!
Fan: What, the professional and amateur stalking or the permanent jet lag?
Manager: Well, those, and, you know – (Sits on the edge of the desk) finding out your celebrity crush was also your soulmate?
Fan: Oh. That. Not all it’s cracked up to be. (Picks up the ringing desk phone)
Manager: (Goes back to desk) Oh. No hope for the rest of us, then.
Fan: Laboratory, this is --------, how may I help you?
Crowd Member 17: (On the phone) Is it true you work there just to get ------ ----- a regular blood supply so that he can remain forever young?! (Fan hangs up the phone)
Manager: Did you at least have fun visiting all those different countries?
Fan: (Scrolls through thousands of unread e-mails) Yes, those were all great, everyone who wasn’t harassing us was lovely. (Turns to Manager) You know when you want something so badly for so long, and then one day you improbably get it, but then it turns out to be not as fulfilling as you’d dreamed it would be?
Manager: (Nods) Every day.
Fan: (Hears her cell phone ringing, then checks the caller ID and slumps) Oh no.
Manager: Ooh, is it him?
Fan: (Reaches toward the screen) I’ll call back later –
Manager: No-no-no, answer it now – use the break room, it’s empty and I won’t let anyone in! Or listen. (Puts on a pair of headphones)
Fan: (Stands and goes to the break room) Thanks a lot, really. (Enters and closes the door)
Manager: (Returns to working on the computer) Sometimes, I wish I was nosy.
Fan: (Answers the call, tiredly) Hi!
Celebrity: (On a sound stage; film crew members and actors bustle all around him) Hi! How’s your first day back at the old salt mines, heh-heh-heh?
Fan: Well, I just realized that I forgot to put on an away message, but I think everyone figured it out after the first few weeks.
Celebrity Ugh, work e-mail, what a drag, am-I-right?
Fan: …Yeah.
Celebrity: So, sorry to bother you with this while you’re doing work things, but I didn’t want to forget later: I know I said I was going to take you out for your birthday this week, and finally meet your parents and all that home stuff –
Fan: (Gritted teeth) Yes?
Celebrity: BUT, turns out my P.R. people added another stop on the obligatory press junket, so now I have to be a guest on yet another late-night show that same day, and since it’s a three-hour flight both ways –
Fan: I got it. Maybe next week, then.
Celebrity: Yeah, that’s the thing: we’re starting rehearsals on my next film on Monday, and it’s also tech week for my Broadway debut, and both productions so kindly rearranged their schedules so I could do each, and my current film’s wrapping up production today but the studio’s threatening reshoots and you know how that goes –
Fan: (Briefly closes her eyes and pinches the bridge of her nose) Fine, forget the birthday.
Celebrity: You sure? I always forget mine, so I’m never certain how other people feel about theirs.
Fan: …So when do you think we can meet up again?
Celebrity: Hold on, let me check – (Scrolls through his phone for a few moments, then gets back on the call) Great: I have a few hours open on February 25!
Fan: (Stares out blankly) February 25.
Celebrity: Uh-huh!
Fan: Of next year.
Celebrity: …Uh-huh! Want me to put it on the calendar so I don’t accidentally book something else in the meantime?
Fan: …No, I think I’ll pass.
Celebrity: Oh. Maybe March, then?
Fan: You know, after the first day of our… relationship, I barely saw you for more than five minutes at a time, and we were always rushing off somewhere to do something that we never really got to know each other, you know?
Celebrity: What’s there to know? We’re each other’s The One!
Fan: Yeah, that’s fine for a hot minute, but I need something more substantial for the rest of my life. Plus it’s a bit hard to connect with you when everyone else is trying to connect with you, too – I should know, since I was one of those “everyone else.”
Celebrity: Bah, I hardly notice them anymore now that you’re here! (Fan double-takes) And I know, I’m sorry I’m all work-work-work lately – my life didn’t used to be like that until I made it big, and now I’ve got all these projects going on that I can’t pass up opportunities or else they’ll stop coming and then I’ll never be able to find work in the business again, but everything’ll slow down in a few decades, I promise!
Fan: OK.
Celebrity: OK?
Fan: Yes – call me when everything’s slowed down in a few decades, OK?
Celebrity: (Crestfallen) Oh.
Fan: But don’t worry: I’m sure you’ll find someone right away who’ll have your love children or just go out on dates or whatever in your extremely limited spare time.
Celebrity: You were the first person I ever dated!
Fan: No way, really?
Celebrity: Yes! I’m sure you remember I used to say in all my interviews that I was waiting for The One, and I was, and The One was you!
Fan: Oh. I thought you exaggerating to look adorable.
Celebrity: I would never!
Fan: Oh. Well, that’s flattering. I guess, then… think of this as a learning experience.
Celebrity: Wait, is that it, then? We’re going to scorn the Will of Fate, and never see each other ever again for the rest of our lives?!
Fan: Well, I’ll certainly see you on the big screen, buddy!
Celebrity: (Sadly) And I’ll see you in my dreams. (Ends the call and slowly sits on the floor, staring out into the distance)
Fan: (Looks at the phone’s screen and sees the disconnected call) Aw, why’d he have to go and say a thing like that? (Goes back into the office and sits at her desk)
Manager: (Removes the headphones) So? Everything good?
Fan: No, actually: we just broke up.
Manager: What?! Really?! Maybe it’s not so final – maybe you two just need a little break from all the whirlwind you’ve been through, that’s all.
Fan: Our entire time together was pretty much a break: I basically followed him around and we occasionally got to eat at the same table in a restaurant or have our picture taken next to each other for five seconds.
Manager: Oh. So pretty much most of the cons and few of the pros of being a celebrity, huh?
Fan: Pretty much.
Manager: Who knows: maybe he’ll try to win you back or something.
Fan: (Hears noises outside and goes to the window to see that the crowd in front of the hospital is leaving) Nope – the public has decreed that it’s over, so it must be over then.
Manager: They’re gone? Good – for you, and, on a selfish note, some corporate VPs are coming for our quarterly meeting today, so them seeing that mess out front would’ve been really embarrassing.
Fan: That meeting’s today? Oops. (Her cell phone rings again)
Manager: (Puts the headphones back on) Take it – hardly any work is getting done here right now, so I’m just rolling with it.
Fan: Thanks. (Checks the caller ID, raises an eyebrow, and goes back into the break room but does not bother closing the door) Hey!
Friend: (Seated at a desk in an office) Hey: I heard you and ------ ----- just broke up.
Fan: Of course; the whole world has heard by now, I suppose.
Friend: You suppose correctly. Sorry to hear it.
Fan: Really? I thought you saw the whole thing as stupid and fake.
Friend: I did, but I’m still sorry you had to go through all that and still not get the guy in the end or whatever.
Fan: Thank you. It really is all for the best, though.
Friend: So he wasn’t The One after all that, huh.
Fan: It seems not, but at the time I could have sworn he was. It’s strange: I had liked him from afar for so long, but your opinion of someone really does change once you see their personal hygiene habits. Also, when you hardly see them at all, it makes you wonder: what’s the point?
Friend: And that’s why I willingly remain single to this day.
Fan: Yeah. And on top of everything else, I don’t think I can ever watch him on-screen in the same way again after this. Lesson learned, I guess.
Friend: So I take it that if you had to do it all over again, you would’ve turned him down and avoided the drama and heartache?
Fan: ABSOLUTELY NOT!