Story 625: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 2

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Not this again.”

“Sorry, but really, I just can’t take another once-a-decade storm for the eighth go-round this month – how many times do I have to dig out my car and the same plowed-in mess at the end of the driveway before enough is enough, hm?!”

“…Every time?”

“That goes without saying, but I say ‘No more!’  This time, they’re not catching me sleeping during a blizzard as the frozen mess piles up over our heads, uh-uh!”

“So, what, are you gonna go out and shovel every few hours overnight?”

“HA!”

“Yeah, don’t know why I asked – even I wouldn’t do that.”

“No, this time I’ve come up with a genius plan.”

“I bet you have.  All right, let’s hear it.”

“OK, you know the saying: ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss’?”

“I’m familiar.”

“Well, I’ve made the next logical leap in logic and determined that a moving car gathers no snow.”

“So…?”

“So, as long as my car is in constant motion during the storm, no snow will be able to pile up on it!”

“….”

“Isn’t that the most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard?”

“Not exactly.  Are you saying that you plan to drive throughout the entire blizzard?”

“You betcha!  I’m amazed no one else has thought of this earlier.”

“That’s because we’ll be in a State of Emergency and no cars are allowed on the road!  Except essential workers, which you most definitely are not!”

“Ah, but there is one, significant, ginormous exception.”

“I’m afraid to ask what it is.”

“The Turnpike’s exempt.”

“…What?!”

“If I’m already on it when the blizzard starts, then they can’t kick me off!”

“…What?!”

“Speed limit’s usually around 55-65 miles per hour; with the snow I might have to drop down to around 35, but either way that should be fast enough to keep anything from actually accumulating on me.  It.  You know: the thing I’d normally have to clean and scrape off.”

“….”

“Brilliant, huh?”

“Ignoring the mind-bogglingessness of it all this for the moment – the Turnpike is only about two hours from start to finish if you stay in-state.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Blizzard’s expected to last around 20 hours.”

“Uh-huh?”

“So you gonna keep going from state-to-state until it’s over?”

“Nah, I’m not sure the other states’ll want me: I’ll just start at the north and then find a cut-through in the south right before the river and then come back up the other way.”’

“Four times?”

“…Yes, that sounds about right, unless I need to go even slower.  Give or take a few times, then.”

“You’re gonna get stuck in the snow before you finish the first round, you know.”

“Not if I drive fast enough!”

“That’s not how – also, you’re probably gonna run out of gas, and no station will be open.”

“No worries; I’ll have extra cans with me to fill up myself!”

“Aha!  You’ll have to stop do it!”

“Please: I can fill up my tank in less than a minute, no problem; the machines take forever, but I have a system”

“I still think this is a bonkers plan.”

“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first!  I’ll toast a water bottle to you while I’m on the road, practically snow-free, as you continue the endless struggle of shoveling powder and ice to free your trapped vehicle.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.  And how’re you supposed to get back into your snowed-in driveway after all this, anyway?”

“At that point, I can burst through it with the sheer strength of my conviction.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“Ooh!  Just to hedge my bets, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare snow plow that I could attach to my front fender so everyone’ll think I’m on the way to a job and leave me alone?... Hello?” 

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, I have to know: how did your drive-througout-the-blizzard-so-you-don’t-have-to-dig-out-your-car experiment go?”

“Had a moderate-speed chase with the state troopers until they cut me off and tossed me into the nearest cell until the blizzard ended – didn’t even make it to the second exit.”

“Ah.”

“Apparently, in my case they chose to ignore the memo regarding the Turnpike exemption: though the howling winds I calmly argued my iron-clad position on the matter, but in the end they completely overwhelmed me with their safety protocols and protection of civilians and whatever.”

“Mm.”

“Also gave me about 15 tickets and a summons to the county court where they stopped me and not the county court where I live, so there goes that Tuesday when I have to show up.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Community service also was threatened, but I’ll call their bluff on that when I literally have my day in court.”

“Mm-hm.”

“The only reason they didn’t impound my car was it would’ve been too much of a hassle to get it to the lot in the middle of that mess, so they volleyed another fine my way instead out of spite.”

“Mm-hm.  I’m glad no one got hurt, but I’m also trying not to laugh here.”

“So I gathered.  Well, I’m pleased to be a source of amusement for you in these dreary days of lingering winter, but in the end, against all odds and in spite of everyone’s attempts, I still triumphed.”

“How, exactly?  You were in jail!”

“Yes, that’s the ultimate irony of the situation: in order to get rid of me and get their own vehicles back on the road, they had to clean off my car.”

Story 623: Doctor vs. Patient

            (In a hospital procedural suite, Patient lies propped up in a stretcher while wearing a hospital gown, non-slip socks, and a ready-to-go IV port in one arm, and glares at a clock on the wall while tapping fingers on a side railing when Doctor 1 suddenly zips around the corner)

Doctor 1: (Carrying a tablet) Heyyyyyyy – sorry I’m running a little late this morning –office called me with a last-minute appointment that I had work into today’s schedule over the phone – everyone wants everything – you know how it is….  (Starts typing on the tablet)

Patient: (Stops tapping and stares at Doctor 1) You didn’t get up extra early and wound up stuck in the snow and ice like the rest of us this morning – you don’t have to lie to me.

Doctor 1: Heh-heh-heh.  (In a low voice without looking up) Appreciate it if you didn’t mention that to anyone else.  (Hands over the tablet) Sign at the bottom, please.

Patient: (Speed reads the digital forms) What is this now?  I thought I already signed everything on the portal?

Doctor 1: Almost: it’s a procedural consent.

Patient: (Looks up at Doctor 1) I signed 15 of those yesterday.

Doctor 1: Not this one.

Patient: (Sighs and signs with an index finger) I would say that my presence here, inadequately clothed at a pre-dawn hour, would have made it abundantly clear that I consent to this procedure, but I know how these things go.  (Hands back the tablet) Here.  Can we get this necessary invasion of my body orifice over with now, please?

Doctor 1: (Types on the tablet) Almost…. You finished the prep last night and are all clear now, correct?

Patient: Oh, I’d better be – that’s an experience I’ll never forget, or forgive.  The scope you’re using had better show that I’m all clear at this point, for I have nothing left to give.  (Shudders at the memory)

Doctor 1: (Still reading through forms on the tablet) Uh-huh, uh-huh.  (Furrows a brow, then looks at Patient) Has the anesthesiologist been by yet?

Patient: No, just everyone else who works here, and you.  Why?

Doctor 1: Need to sign a consent for that, too.

Patient: (Momentarily lets head fall back onto the pillow dramatically) Argh, just digitally rubber-stamp my signature on whatever forms that say you all can do whatever needs to be done to my helpless body, and let’s get on with it!  I have places to go, food to eat, and naps to take!

Nurse: (Maneuvers between Doctor 1 and the stretcher to check the IV port on Patient’s arm) Anesthesiologist called earlier and is on the way; got stuck with an emergency in the O.R.

Patient: HA!  That would be last shift’s problem – bet it was snow and ice again.  I’m not ashamed to admit it, so I don’t see why everyone else is.

(Doctor 2 suddenly zips around the corner while peering closely at a tablet, stops, and looks up at Patient; both freeze on seeing each other)

Doctor 2: You?!

Patient: You!?

Doctor 1: (Points back-and-forth at both) You… two know each other?

Patient: You can say that again!  (Gestures at Doctor 2) I’ve been that one’s accountant for ages!

Doctor 2: Ex-accountant!  I fired you years ago!

Patient: And you still never sent anything in writing about it, so our financial divorce was never official!

Doctor 2: Is that why your name is still all over my paperwork?

Patient: Oh yeah!  And you owe me years of fees, years!

Doctor 2: Nothing doing!  You lost me money every tax season, and I got audited five times!

Patient: What do you expect when your records are a disaster?!  For the longest time I thought you were trying to pull a fast one, but I finally realized that you’re just a mess, an absolute mess!

Doctor 2: Well, maybe it all wouldn’t have been such a mess if I’d had an advisor who knew what they were doing!

Patient: (On an intake of breath) How dare you!

Doctor 2: (Suddenly turns to Doctor 1) Doctor, I would like to recuse myself from this procedure today, please.

Patient: Yes, please!  I can’t believe I completely forgot after all these years that you claimed to work here!

Doctor 2: I do work here!

Patient: …That goes without saying!  (To Doctor 1) So, I want a new anesthesiologist, ASAP!

Doctor 1: What – no – we can’t, this is the only anesthesiologist working up here today, and I’m already behind schedule!

Patient: Just grab the other anesthesiologist hovering somewhere else in the building, then – I’ll wait.

Doctor 2: Other one’s in the middle of a bilateral knee replacement in the O.R., and that’ll take hours.

Patient: HA!  No wait, I believe that one.

Doctor 1: Well, I can’t wait until that’s all done down there: I’ve got 23 other procedures up here today, and then I’ve gotta get back to the office to see patients there until who-knows-when tonight!  It never stops and I never get any rest!

Doctor 2: Don’t talk to me about never getting any rest: my shifts start before the Sun rises and supposedly end in the afternoon, but with all the paperwork and the emergencies and the last-minute add-on cases I’m lucky I get out of here before meeting myself the next day!

Patient: Excuse me!  (Everyone turns to Patient) I scheduled this in the middle of tax season because I was told – (Glares at Doctor 1) that it was so important and had to be done, but at this time of year I’m working with and without the Sun for months on end so don’t come crying to me!

Doctor 1: We don’t have a season!  Healthcare is 24/7!

Patient: Sounds like a “you” problem!  I still want a replacement for this deadbeat putting me in a temporary coma!

Doctor 2: If I’m a deadbeat, then where’d all my income go, hm?!

Patient: I don’t know, check wherever you bury all your other worldly goods!

Doctor 2: Swindler!

Patient: Quack! 

Doctor 1, Doctor 2, and Nurse: <Gasp!>

Patient: (Calmer) I apologize: I didn’t mean to insult you fine clinicians or the healthcare profession as a whole.

Doctor 1: (Rubbing temples; to Patient) Regardless, if we don’t start the procedure within the next… (Checks the wall clock) three minutes, we’ll have to reschedule.

Patient: (Nods) For later today.

Doctor 1: No, for another day.

Patient: (Hisses) I am not going through that prep more than once a decade, do-you-hear-me?!

Doctor 1: Well, it’ll be once every five years with your family history – (Patient’s eyes widen and mouth drops open) but if you don’t want to repeat it this year, then we’ve all gotta go now!

(Patient glares at Doctor 1, then at Doctor 2 who shakes head in disgust at Patient, then at Nurse who is quietly seething)

Next Patient: (Sharply draws back the curtains separating the two stretchers and addresses Patient) If you’re not going, does that mean I can go now?!  I haven’t eaten since yesterday morning and I’m starving!

Patient: We’re all starving – deal with it!  (Yanks the curtain back closed, stares at the others for several moments, then holds out a hand for Doctor 2’s tablet; the latter quickly gives it to Patient who signs without reading it and mumbles) I don’t believe it – for once I get to be the client, and I still have no rights, no rights whatsoever!

Nurse: You have the right to privacy.

Patient: (Hands back the tablet to Doctor 2) Not once I’m in that procedure room, I won’t!

Doctor 1: (While grabbing one side of the stretcher railings as Nurse grabs the other; they release the brake and race Patient to the procedure room) All-right-thank-you-let’s-go-let’s-go-let’s-go!

Patient: (Points wildly to Doctor 2 while being rushed through the corridor; the latter jogs after the stretcher to keep up) Just remember: if you try anything funny in there, I’ll be surrounded by a room full of witnesses!

Doctor 2: (As Patient’s stretcher is parked in the procedure room and everyone scrambles to get things ready, plants leads on Patient’s chest and puts nasal cannula around Patient’s head and up the nose, starting oxygen flow) Are you kidding?!  I could do everything right and still get sued, reported to every State and Federal organization out there, and have to relive it every time I apply for a new position or need new malpractice insurance – could you imagine how much more of a nightmare it’d be if I actually did mess up?!  On purpose??!!

Patient: I wouldn’t put it past you!  You never gave me the information I needed to fill out Form 706 that one year, and then complained when you got notices yelling at you about it later!

Doctor 2: I didn’t – !

Nurse: (Preparing equipment) All right, not that I don’t want to interrupt, but before we start there are few last checks we have to do.  (To Patient) Your date of birth?

Patient: Again?!  It’s --/--/----!  And now I think I’ve told the entire hospital twice how old I wish I wasn’t!

Nurse: Great, and who is the doctor performing the procedure today?

Patient: You don’t know?!

Nurse: Of course we – just answer the question, please.

Patient: Sorry: Dr. ------.

Nurse: Thank you.  Now –

Patient: Not for nothing, but at this point I refuse to complete the rest of your time-out process without being paid at least some of your salary.  (Turns on the stretcher to lie on the left side) Do with me what you will.

Doctor 2: (Injects solutions into the IV port) All right, sleep tight: your life is in my hands now, heh-heh.

Patient: (Falling asleep) If I wake up in the middle of all this, I’ll know it was you….

Doctor 1: (While preparing the scope; to Doctor 2) Out?

Doctor 2: (Checks Patient and a monitor) Yes, thankfully.

Doctor 1: Good: let’s get this done so I can get to all the others piling up like a backed-up conveyer belt out there.  (Starts the procedure and examines a monitor)  You know, these things are trying enough to do without the added drama. 

Doctor 2: (Also examining a monitor) Heh, you’re telling me…. Speaking of which, I’ve gotta schedule one of these things for myself soon: you think you’d be available –

Doctor 1: (Without looking at Doctor 2) Absolutely not.

Doctor 2: Fair enough.

Story 621: When a Real Snowstorm Comes Along

 DAY -2 

(In a chaotic supermarket, Friend 1 and Friend 2 navigate their shopping carts through the free-for-all in the aisles)

 Friend 1: Did we really need to come here on a Friday night when literally everyone else is here?

Friend 2: (Focused on the refrigerated cases) Huh?  What are you going on about now?

Friend 1: (Gestures to the panicked crowds) I mean, what are we all doing here?  We live in the Northeastern U.S. – we have had snow before, it’s nothing new.

Friend 2: (Grabbing a gallon of milk and dropping it into the cart) Yeah, but not this bad in at least the past 10 years.  This is the first time I could get to the store this week, and who knows how soon the roads’ll be cleared up before we can get here again?  Better to be safe than sorry.

Friend 1: (As they squeeze through the aisle again) Sure, but what do we really need that we don’t already get enough of on our regular supermarket runs each week?

Friend 2: I just said – fine: milk.

Friend 1: I don’t drink it.

Friend 2: (Reaching onto a shelf and grabbing a carton to hold up) Eggs?

Friend 1: Don’t eat them.

Friend 2: (Drops the carton into the cart) Bread?

Friend 1: Got enough for a year.

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1’s empty cart) Then what are you doing here?

Friend 1: Had no plans tonight.

Friend 2: (Moves on) If you’re not getting anything for yourself, ditch the cart up front and help me with the rest – otherwise, run for it!

Friend 1: (Stares at the cart, then tosses in a bottle of juice and weaves through the crowd casually) Nothing to see, just trying to fit in…. 

DAY -1 

(At night, Friend 1 is sitting in front of a living room window and looking through binoculars up at the heavens when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Answers by turning on the speaker phone and returns to looking up) Larder still stocked?

Friend 2: (Wrapping water pipes with newspapers) Always.  You have your heat turned up to at least 65°F, the cabinet doors open in front of the pipes, and water dripping from the faucets?

Friend 1: (Without looking away from the atmosphere) Whyyyyyy… would I do something so wasteful?

Friend 2: To keep the pipes from freezing and bursting!

Friend 1: Pff.  Urban legend.

Friend 2: Urban fact!  It’s gonna get as low as 3° overnight!  THREE!  DEGREES!

Friend 1: Sounds like a scam.

Friend 2: For the love of – you live in a condo, think of your neighbors!

Friend 1: Why?  I doubt they give me a second thought, let alone a first.

Friend 2: They’ll give you more than that when they sue you for flooding their units with all the water from your broken pipes!

Friend 1: (Suddenly lowers the binoculars) I’ll call you right back. 

30 MINUTES LATER 

Friend 2: (Answers the phone while curled up in a blanket on the couch) Well?

Friend 1: (Back to looking through binoculars up at the night sky) Well, our association e-mailed us the same suggestions you just mentioned, so I’m all done with setting that stuff up, Mom.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Now if your pipes still burst after all that, you know you did everything you could to prevent it.

Friend 1: (Nods while observing) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: What are you up to, anyway?  You’ve had me on speaker both times.

Friend 1: I’m on storm watch.

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: If this storm’s supposed to be as epic as everyone claims, I want to see the very first flake of doom as it descends from the heavens.

Friend 2: Not supposed to start until 4 a.m.

Friend 1: (Lowers the binoculars again) I’m going to bed – good night.

Friend 2: Stay warm! 

DAY 1 

(Friend 1 sits up suddenly in bed, flailing in the sheets and blankets)

Friend 1: Oh no, the snow’s everywhere, I’m suffocating!  (Sees the sheets and blankets and stops) Oh.  Just a dream.  Never mind.  (Gets out of bed, walks to the window, and opens the blinds – everything outside is covered in white, and heavy snow continues to fall steadily) Oops.  Whelp, that’s what we pay snow removal fees for – they can wake me when it’s time to move my car.  (Closes the blinds, skips back to bed, dives under the sheets and blankets, and immediately falls back asleep) 

DAY 2 

(Friend 1 is cocooned in quilts on the couch and watching a movie when the phone rings)

Friend 1: (Pauses the movie and answers the phone) Hey, how’s hibernation going?

Friend 2: (Working on a laptop at a kitchen table) Not so great – I no sooner shovel out the driveway then I get plowed back in again; unavoidable, but still tiresomely tedious.  I wonder if this is how Sisyphus felt pushing that same rock up that same hill over and over?

Friend 1: (Sipping hot chocolate) Wouldn’t know – I try to avoid that feeling whenever possible.  Wanna borrow my backhoe?

Friend 2: What – where – how on Earth do you even store that?

Friend 1: I know a guy.  (Slurps the drink)

Friend 2: Well, thanks, but I think by now I should be cleared out for good on this storm, since the freezing snow’s finally stopped.

Friend 1: Oh, so you’re working from home today?

Friend 2: Yeah, we got the go-ahead for that since the roads aren’t too clear yet.  What about you?

Friend 1: Heh, we in retail are afforded no such luxury.

Friend 2: So, did the store close again today, then?

Friend 1: HA!

Friend 2: I know, silly question.

Friend 1: No, I left a detailed message on my manager’s cell phone saying how impossible it is for anyone to safely get anywhere today, so if even the customers can’t get there, why should I, and all that standard boilerplate; I also threw in that another storm is threatening on the horizon, so for everyone’s stake I should stay in my hole where I can’t damage anything.  (Sees an alert) Perfect timing – I got a response just now.

Friend 2: What’s it say?

Friend 1: (Reads the message out loud) “If I have to be here, you have to be here.  And your shift starts at 5 when the roads will be clearer so I don’t want to hear it.” …. I wonder if I can pretend I didn’t receive this?

Friend 2: Nope.  Careful driving tonight!

Friend 1: Elitist! 

DAY 7 

(Friend 2 stares at the heavily sideways-falling snow out the living room window, then calls Friend 1)

Friend 1: (Collapsed on the couch, still wearing a winter coat, hat, scarf, gloves, and boots; uses a pinky to answer the phone on speaker and wheezes out) Yes?!

Friend 2: Hey, just checking how you’re holding up with Blizzard #3?

Friend 1: I have cleared off and shoveled out my car no fewer than 200 times this week, and driven through icy snow for more miles than are physically located between home and work, nearly wiping out at least twice every trip and taking the entire highway with me each time – ask no more of me.

Friend 2: (Winces) Ouch.  We go from middling snow for over a decade to back-to-back-to-back blizzards in the space of a week – I think they fed off each other.

Friend 1: (Sliding farther down the couch) They certainly fed off me….

Friend 2: Sorry you still have to drive into work during all this – I haven’t been in the office since before the first storm.

Friend 1: I’m sincerely happy for you.  I’m shocked though that my job actually did close again today due to the roads.

Friend 2: Oh, good!

Friend 1: After I’d already broken off the reconstituted glacier that was covering my car.

Friend 2: Oh, nuts.

Friend 1: (Removes the scarf and drops it onto the floor) Remember when we used to love playing in the snow, even if we had to help shovel the driveway first?

Friend 2: Of course; good times.

Friend 1: (Uses a foot to draw the living room window’s blinds closed) Now, I just hope the power stays on, the pipes don’t freeze, and spring starts tomorrow.

Friend 2: Don’t be greedy.

Story 564: Where Is That Mystery Smell Coming From?

             (In an apartment)

Resident: (Wakes up with a start and turns head sharply toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table) Oh no, I’m late for work!  (Flies out of bed, dresses in a flurry, and slaps the “Radio” button while washing face and brushing teeth)

DJ 1: (Voice) – and as we commemorate this year's Veterans Day by showing our appreciation to members of the military, please remember that no banks or post offices will be open, but some of us still had to get up at 3 in the morning to put on this nonsense show –

DJ 2: Just stop.

Resident: (Slaps the “Radio” button again and flies back into bed, fully dressed) Ah yes, Veterans Day, an actual day off for me: thank you for your service…. (Folds hands and closes eyes, drifting off back to sleep)

HOURS LATER

Resident: (Wakes up slowly, turns head toward the clock radio on the bedside lamp table, and flies out of bed again) Oh no, how could I have slept this late?!  The day is gone, all gone!  (Skids to a stop in the hallway) Wait a minute, why do I care what time it is?  I’m not going anywhere, and nobody needs me.  (Resumes with a stroll, enters the kitchen, then suddenly stops and sniffs wildly around the air) What – [SNIFF] is – [SNIFF] that??!!  [SNIIIIIFFFFF] Oh no, did I finally get a carbon monoxide leak and the whole building’s gonna blow up and it’ll all be my fault?!  (Eyes shift around with a new thought) But the alarm hasn’t gone off.  (Runs to the alarm on the ceiling and uses a broom handle to activate the “Test” button)

Alarm: Testing: This is EXTREMELY LOUD –

Resident: (Jamming the button again and tossing aside the broom) Good, I’m covered.  Guess it couldn’t hurt to air out the joint a little.  (After a few minutes of struggling with the stuck windows, Resident opens them all the way and takes a deep breath) So that’s what outdoors smells like, huh.  (Returns to the kitchen and is knocked back slightly by the odor) Oh, please don’t tell me I’m going to find some creature finagled its way in here and expired, I just can’t take it!  (Opens a junk drawer, flings through piles of business cards, pounces on one, and dials the numbers in a cell phone) Now’s a good time to try this new one – I hope….

LESS THAN AN HOUR LATER

(There is a knock on the apartment’s front door; Resident checks the peephole first and then opens it)

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID, then raises an eyebrow at Resident wearing a surgical face mask) That bad, huh?

Resident: (Voice is muffled) You have no idea – I’ve torn the kitchen apart trying to find the source and I think I just made it angry instead.  (Holds out a mask to Tech) Speaking of which, you might want to wear one of these.

Tech: Thanks, I’m good: when it comes to this type of situation, I am an expert mouth breather.  (Resident leads Tech to the kitchen, where the refrigerator has been moved into the middle of the room and all the cabinet drawers and doors are open; Tech is momentarily taken aback when reaching the smell) Whoa.  On second thought…. (Starts to reach out for the mask, then snatches hand back and shakes head) No; no, I’m a professional: I can handle this unaided.  (Sets down a tool bag, braces self, and starts sniffing the kitchen methodically)

Resident: (Points up) It seems to be concentrated around the ceiling.

Tech: (Looks up) Interesting.  You got a step ladder I can borrow?  If you don’t, I can grab something from the truck.

Resident: Oh no, you can use this.  (Goes into the coat closet and whips out a telescoping ladder)

Tech: Handy.  (Climbs up to the ceiling with the tool bag, then uses a screwdriver to take a vent cover off the wall) Hm.

Resident: “Hm” good or “Hm” bad?

Tech: (Turns to look down at Resident) I don’t think this… odor, is you.

Resident: I should think not!  I bathe every day!

Tech: No, I mean – I don’t think it’s coming from your apartment.

Resident: Oh.  You think some poor creature is lodged between units, trapped in an unfathomable horror, begging for the end, then?

Tech: No!  I think the smell’s coming from another unit.

Resident: Really?  That’s a relief.  So I trashed my kitchen for nothing, huh?

Tech: (Reattaches the vent cover and climbs down the ladder with the tool bag) Pretty much.  How well do you know your neighbors?

Resident: …Define “know”.

Tech: Are you on good terms with them?

Resident: We’re… aware of each other’s existence…

Tech: Can we go next door and talk to them to straighten this out, if they’re home?

Resident: (Blinks slowly) “Talk to them”?

Tech: (Mildly exasperated) Well, unless you want to get the landlord involved –

Resident: NO!

(At the door of the apartment on the other side of the kitchen wall, a now mask-less Resident knocks while waiting with Tech)

Neighbor: (Opens the door wearing a heavy duty apron, gloves, and goggles) Yes?

Resident: (Swallows) H-hi, we’ve never actually met, but I think we passed on the stairs once –

Neighbor: Yeah, you’re the weirdo next door with the super-loud radio.

Resident: (Mouth drops open) Well – I – never – !

Tech: (Briefly holds up ID) There seems to be an odor transmitting from this apartment to the next, and it possibly could be from something dangerous – have you noticed any unusual smells today?

Neighbor: No.  (A small explosion is heard from inside the apartment)

Tech: You mind if I come in for a few minutes and check for a possible gas leak?

Neighbor: Yes.

Resident: Great, thanks!  (Starts to move forward but Tech holds out an arm to block the way and shakes head)

Neighbor: Yes I do mind – what is wrong with you?

Resident: Sorry; it’s such an awkwardly-phrased question that I forget “No” is the answer I want.

Tech: (To Neighbor) I’m legally obligated to call the gas company and fire department if I suspect there’s a leak.

Neighbor: I thought you were the gas company.

Tech: No, I’m a specialist.

Neighbor: In what?

Tech: Weird things.

Neighbor: Well, nothing weird’s going on here, so go away.  (Another small explosion is heard; Neighbor leans back momentarily to look) And that’s just great: the whole thing’s evaporated and now I’ve got start all over again.

Resident: (Leans in and sniffs) It actually smells kind of nice in there.

Neighbor: You bet it does – now go back to your smelly apartment before you infect mine!  (Slams the door in their faces)

Resident: So, that was a bust – now what?

Tech: (Thinks for a few moments, then looks up) Have you ever met your neighbors upstairs?

Resident: (Also looks up) I have neighbors upstairs?

(They walk up one floor and go to the apartment directly above Resident’s; the odor is exponentially magnified there)

Tech: (Choking) Oh yeah, we hit the jackpot.  (Bangs on the door)

Resident: (Eyes tearing while looking up and down the hallway) No one else here has said anything about this?

Tech: Would you have if you hadn’t called me?

Resident: Probably not.

Tech: (Bangs on the door again) Hello, anyone home?

Resident: I actually think maybe this floor’s abandoned.

Tech: Really?

Resident: I haven’t heard anything above me in years: no footsteps, no voices, no showers, no flushing; it’s been wonderful.

Tech: (Rattles the doorknob) How fast does your landlord answer calls?

Resident: (Wiping eyes with a tissue) Huh?

Tech: We need to open the door.

Resident: Oh.  Last time I called I think it took a week before the message was even checked, but I could be off by a few days.

Tech: Right: desperate times.  (Takes several items out of the tool bag and picks the lock)

Resident: Ooh, I wish I could do that – for purely academic reasons, of course.

(Tech ignores Resident and opens the door to disaster)

Resident and Tech: Whoa!

Tech: (Quickly closes the door) That looks like it’s been decaying for decades!  You only just now started smelling something?!

Resident: I have a very bad sense of smell.

Tech: (Places the tools back into the bag) Yep: I’m done here – call your landlord and tell `em I’m giving 24 hours for this to be reported to… everyone, or I’ll do it myself.

Resident: Oh…. Do I really have to get involved in all this?

Tech: (Stares at Resident in disbelief) Yes!  You live here, you found this, you have to report it!  You can’t just walk away like you don’t know and pretend nothing’s happened!

Resident: …Welllll, technically….

Tech: You know, if I was an awful person, at this point I’d tell you to go ahead and live with the mold, bacteria, and rot that’s going on up here, and when your ceiling inevitably collapses in on you, don’t come crying to me!

Resident: But you’re not an awful person.

Tech: (Sighs) No.  (Takes out a cell phone) Give me your landlord’s number: I’ll call on your behalf and take care of everything, for extra-extra-extra fees on your bill; happy?

Resident: Sweet.  (Takes out a cell phone, looks through a contact list, and gestures to Tech to hand over the phone in order to enter the number) You’re the best – I just hate confrontations – and making phone calls – and interacting with people in general.

Tech: With that much social anxiety, I’m surprised you even called my company at all.

Resident: To be honest, with the way things are going, I was half-hoping they’d send over a robot instead.

Tech: (Resignedly looks off into the distance) That’s not as far off into the future as I’d like….

Story 546: 4th of July: The Excuse to Make Things Go Boom

            (On a highway, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

Friend 2: (After almost a minute of companionable silence) So, I heard this diner has been getting good reviews, but I must say that unless stuff is burned to a crisp or over-salted, all restaurant food tastes pretty much the same to me.

Friend 1: (Head on a swivel while scanning the sides of the road) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Looks over at Friend 1) I mean, the meal has to be absolute garbage for me to never eat there again; otherwise, food is food, know-what-I-mean?

Friend 1: (Still scanning) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Narrows eyes at Friend 1) I actually do eat garbage on a regular basis, did you know that?

Friend 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: Got ya!  You’re not paying attention to a word I’m saying.

Friend 1: (Glances over at Friend 2) Sure I am!

Friend 2: Then what’d I say just now?

Friend 1: (Stares straight ahead) …You said... that… you’re garbage.

Friend 2: Seriously?!  Why would anyone ever say that about themselves?

Friend 1: I dunno, maybe if one was feeling down and just needed someone to listen.

Friend 2: Which you’re clearly not doing!

Friend 1: Point taken.

Friend 2: (Starts scanning the sides of the road as well) It’s obvious you’re looking for something, so tell me what it is and maybe I can help you find it.

Friend 1: I’d… rather not.

Friend 2: Why not?

Friend 1: Because you won’t approve.

Friend 2: Probably, but since when has that ever stopped you?

Friend 1: True, but I also didn’t want you to hear your… you know….

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Judgey tone.

Friend 2: You’re impossible.  (Looks out the window) Is it something illegal, then?

Friend 1: …Not anymore.

Friend 2: (Widens eyes in realization) Oh no, you’re not looking for –

Friend 1: THERE IT IS!  (Swerves into the right shoulder with no signal and slams on the brakes as passing cars blare their horns)

Friend 2: (Waves ruefully at the cars, looks out the window, and sees a large tent surrounded by colorful signs and banners as Friend 1 dashes out the driver’s side door and loops around to the passenger’s side) Don’t tell me you’re actually buying fireworks?!

Friend 1: (Eyes shift back-and-forth quickly) OK, I won’t tell you.

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Friend 1: By the way – got any cash on you?

Friend 2: (Glares at Friend 1) I am not giving you money to get something that’ll blow off a body part more likely than not.

Friend 1: (Squints to read a sign) Oh, never mind – it’s cashless anyway.  (Starts to leave)

Friend 2: (Momentarily grabs Friend 1’s hand) Hold on: don’t you remember what happened in high school?

Friend 1: Lots happened in high school – you’re going to have to be more specific.

Friend 2: Roman candle?  Football field?  Fire departments from five different towns?

Friend 1: (Face clears in remembrance) Oh yeah – that was a great night; too bad about the fines and the suspension and almost not graduating and whatnot.

Friend 2: You got all that because you could’ve really hurt somebody, including yourself!  Or burned the place down!

Friend 1: But I didn’t.

Friend 2: But you could’ve, `cause you didn’t know what you were doing!

Friend 1: All right, fine, maybe at the time I was a stupid kid with a brief phase of wannabe pyromania, but I’m so much more mature now.

Friend 2: (Eyebrows go up through hairline) HA!

Friend 1: You’ll see: I know safety precautions now and everything.

Friend 2: Oh really?  Since when?

Friend 1: Since I watched a video about it recently and now know all there is to know and everything’ll go perfectly this time – bye!  (Trots over to the tent)

Friend 2: (Props an elbow on the car door and leans on one hand) Oh, help.

(After a few minutes, Friend 1 is seen exiting the tent with an armful of various fireworks, dropping them onto the ground, whipping out a candle lighter, and attempting to light a sparkler)

Employee: (Running out of the tent, waving arms wildly, and shaking head) No-no-no, not here, it’ll look like a battle scene if you set all the others off!  (Points to a sign that reads “DO NOT SET OFF FIREWORKS WITHIN 100 FEET OF THIS STAND OR YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW”)

Friend 1: (Still holding the lit lighter and unlit sparkler) Then how do I test that they’re not defective?

Employee: On someone else’s property!

Friend 1: (With a put-upon sigh, shuts off the lighter, gathers up the fireworks, and dumps them into the car’s trunk as Employee watches intently and then returns to the tent; grumbling all the way back into the driver’s seat and slamming the door) – a way to rip off customers, what a racket, let me tell you.

Friend 2: I’m sure they gave you quality colorful ordnances – can we go to lunch now?

Friend 1: Oh right; forgot about that.

4TH OF JULY

(In Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 1: (On a small dais surrounded by fireworks) On this, our nation’s birthday, we celebrate the hard-won freedoms that our ancestors, direct or honorary, fought so long and mightily for, with explosive-powder-filled tubes that burst into pretty colors and shapes and go boom to simulate what being in an actual battle surrounded by actual loss of life and limb must’ve felt like.

Friend 2: (Standing off to the side and holding a glass of strong liquid) I can’t believe I agreed to you using my driveway for this.

Friend 1: You said the parking lot of my apartment building was too crowded and someone who was not me would’ve gotten hurt.

Friend 2: I know what I said – I can’t believe it, that’s all.

Friend 1: Token protest acknowledged; it’s your constitutional right.  (Friend 2 takes a swig from the glass as Friend 1 raises the candle lighter) Behold!  The birth of freedom!  (Lights one of the fireworks on the ground and jumps off the dais; the ground spinner immediately whirls around chaotically and skitters to a stop on the lawn)  Oops.

Friend 2: Called it.  (Lifts up a hose that was in the non-drink-holding hand and drowns the firework)

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2 on the shoulder once the danger has passed) Good work.

Friend 2: (Turns off the hose and stares at Friend 1) You will gather all the remains, along with their fellows, dump them into this bin – (Toes over a bin that was sitting on the driveway) for the night, and bring them all to the fire station for proper disposal in the morning.  You also will check this spot – (Gestures with the hose) every hour on the hour until I am satisfied that nothing is smoldering and the entire neighborhood will not burn down in your misguided attempt at pretend patriotism.  In the meantime, we will go inside and watch an actual fireworks show by actual professionals broadcast safely for television while listening to actual patriotic speeches, and get some history and culture and military appreciation while we’re at it.  Understood?

Friend 1: (Holding head high to retain some dignity) I suppose, in the name of freedom –

Friend 2: Oh, save it: you just want an excuse to make things go boom.

Friend 1: It’s definitely a side benefit.