Story 619: When Is Now?

            “What day is today?”

“The date?”

“No, the day.”

“Oh, it’s Wednesday.”

“How do you know?”

“Because… it is?”

“But how do you know, for certain?”

“Is this a test or something?”

“I just want to know how is it you’re absolutely, positively certain what day of the week it is.”

“OK, if we’re doing this: I know it’s Wednesday because later I’ll have to go food shopping.”

“Which could’ve been changed with any other day.”

“Ugh, fine: it’s also leftovers tonight.”

“Not good enough – you can have leftovers several days a week.  Have you looked at an actual calendar today?”

“No, I haven’t looked at a calendar in weeks; I don’t have to because it’s all – up – here!”

“Uh-huh.”

“All right: today is most definitely Wednesday, because yesterday was Tuesday.  So there.”

“…But how do you know yesterday was – ”

“I’ve had enough of this – excuse me, busy employee?”

“Oh, me?  I’m actually in the middle of helping someone else, but how can I help you in a few minutes?”

“This’ll just take a second: we’re playing an annoying game right now – could you be a pal and let us know what day of the week today is, please?”

“Yeah, sure: it’s Thursday.”

“….”

“….”

“OK, gotta go – bye.”

“….”

“….”

“Do you think we should be concerned this may be a sign of a serious problem that we should get checked out?”

“Nah – at least we still know what the days of the week are.”

“True; and after all, we really were only one day off.”

“I’d say that’s a win.”

Story 600: Where Does Time Go?

            (On a sunny summer afternoon, Friend 1 and Friend 2 lounge in patio chairs in Friend 2’s backyard, facing the lawn and staring through sunglasses at nothing in particular)

Friend 1: (To Friend 2 as both still face forward) You know, sometimes I miss having a backyard.

Friend 2: Yeah?

Friend 1: I mean, I grew up with one at my parents’ house, and I love my apartment now, but sometimes I miss having a bit of outdoor space to do nothing in, without having to walk or drive somewhere else and share it with strangers.  I never realized at the time what it luxury it was; it was always just… there.

Friend 2: Yeah…. Can be a pain in the neck to mow, though.

Friend 1: Oh, definitely – you can keep it.  (A cell phone alert goes off; Friend 1 takes the phone out of a pants pocket and navigates to the alert)

Friend 2: Everything OK?

Friend 1: (Still tapping buttons) Oh yeah, it’s just one of those “On this day, such-and-such years ago” – wonder what it is this time?

Friend 2: Eh, probably a photo you’ll immediately want to delete.

Friend 1: No such photo exists: I live a blameless online life.  (Stares at the screen for a few moments) Hmmmmmm….

Friend 2: So, what is it?

Friend 1: (With brows furrowed in puzzlement) A picture from senior year in high school, twentyyyyyyy… (Lifts up sunglasses briefly to squint at the screen) five years ago.

Friend 2: Heh-heh, yeah, I suppose it would be that long ago.  Mildly depressing, but I can’t really bring myself to care right now.  (Sips some lemonade)

Friend 1: (Still looking confused, holds the phone up to Friend 2) Do you remember this?

Friend 2: (Also briefly lifts up sunglasses to squint at the screen) I remember some of the people in it; is that a diner?  We always went to one after games and rehearsals and whatever.

Friend 1: (Brings the phone back to stare at the photo again) I didn’t always go – I only went a few times.

Friend 2: Oh.  Sorry.  You were always around back then so I figured you were always at those things too, but now I remember you weren’t.  Different crowds, I guess.

Friend 1: It’s OK, it’s just… why don’t I remember this?

Friend 2: I dunno – old age?

Friend 1: But any other photo, I remember something about what was happening – I don’t remember this at all.  It’s almost like I’m looking at a stranger.

Friend 2: Sure it’s you, then?  Sometimes these sites tag the wrong people and start up a whole world of trouble.

Friend 1: Oh no, it’s me all right, and those’re people I hung around with, and you’re there too, but the actual event is blank.

Friend 2: Well, get used to it: I’m sure it’ll happen more and more often as we travel onward through the fourth dimension that is time, losing all ou irreplaceable brain cells on the way.  Can’t be helped.

Friend 1: (Turns off the phone’s display, slips the phone back into the pocket, and leans back in the chair) I guess.  I would say I’m too young for that to happen yet, but that’s a lie.  In less than 10 years, we’ll be half a century old, can you believe it?

Friend 2: (Mildly, with a smile) Hush your mouth.

Friend 1: Half a century.  I might’ve lived more than half my life already, and I won’t even know for certain until right before it’s over.  Every second that goes by, we’re inching ever closer to our doom.

Friend 2: (Contentedly leaning back in the chair) Ahhhh, drama.

Friend 1: And it’s not only me, or you, or everyone else: our entire planet has an expiration date, did you know that?

Friend 2: More so every day.

Friend 1: And I’m not even talking about end-times weather and all that; I’m talking about our own Sun, our one and only star and source of our very existence, swallowing us up as it turns into a red giant and then one moment it, too, is no more.

Friend 2: Thankfully, we’ll be long gone before that even begins to happen.

Friend 1: Sure, we think everything out there’ll last forever, but nothing does.  Nothing.  One by one, everything ends, even the longest-existing piece of matter out there, from the beginning of the Big Bang or whatever or whoever it was started this whole mess.  One far off, distant increment of time, it will all cease to be, breaking the First Law of Thermodynamics with impunity and no one around anymore to notice; even time will run down and sputter off into the nothing from which it came.

Friend 2: I think that’s called a paradox.

Friend 1: Not if time is just another thing in the universe that has a beginning and an inevitable, painful end.

Friend 2: But I thought time was more our perception of existence rather than a thing in and of itself?

Friend 1: Ha!  That’s what they want you to think.

Friend 2: “They?”

Friend 1: Why else would the past 25 years have gone by with us barely noticing, but the first 10 years of our lives were as slow as anything and were so much better?

Friend 2: I think you’re missing a few years in there.

Friend 1: No one care about those.  No, time is a hooligan: a sick, twisted scoundrel who plays with our hearts and fools around with our minds before greedily consuming them both.

Friend 2: (Sighs) Oh dear.

Friend 1: (Gestures at the early evening sky) I mean, take this for example.

Friend 2: (Stares at the sky for several moments) Mostly sunny, partly cloudy?

Friend 1: Well, that, but no: we’ve been sitting out here all afternoon, enjoying the summer day, but already evening is coming on, a minute earlier every rotation, and you can say it’s the Earth tilting on its axis away from the Sun for us here in the Up Over, while those lucky Down Under get an extra minute of daylight every winter day in exchange, but it’s really time, reminding us that the end of the year is nigh, and growth and light and life will soon be gone until the Earth remembers to tilt back again, ages from now.

Friend 2: It’s only the beginning of August.

Friend 1: And yet, night falls half an hour earlier than it did in June.  The cycle continues, bringing us that much closer to our own, customized, THE END.

Friend 2: So: we have the luxury of sitting in private green space, enjoying the fresh air, enjoying the summer day – (Pointedly) enjoying each other’s company – and ignoring the ticking clock that’s been with us since birth and will be with us until… whenever.

Friend 1: (Sips some lemonade) I reckon that’s one way to look at it.

Friend 2: That’s the only way to look at it – your way drives us collectively bonkers.

Friend 1: …Yeah, I guess that’s not really time well spent.

Friend 2: (Turns to Friend 1) You know, you’re remarkably calm about one of your many existential crises, for a change.

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2) Well, sometimes, I exhaust even myself.

Story 594: Better Not Forget About Father’s Day

(In a townhouse, Sibling 2 is stretched out on the living couch checking e-mails on a cell phone, then suddenly stops and stares into space, brow furrowed)

Sibling 2: Hmmmm…. (Gnaws lip for a few moments, then selects a contact on the phone and places a call)

Sibling 1: (Jolts awake in an apartment bedroom, flails around for a cell phone on the bedside lamp table, and answers with a massive yawn) Yellllllooooohhhh?

Sibling 2: …Did I wake you up?

Sibling 1: Nooooo – (Yawns again and rubs eyes) `course not; I’m wide asleep.  Awake!

Sibling 2: It’s 11:30 in the morning!

Sibling 1: And it’s also Sunday: don’t judge my weekend sleep cycle.

Sibling 2: I’m not; I’m judging your overall laziness.

Sibling 1: (Rolls onto back with an exasperated sigh) Whatever – why are you calling me at this unreasonable hour anyway?

Sibling 2: Oh, well, it’s just… you ever feel like you’ve forgotten something important?

Sibling 1: Every second of the day.  At last: you understand me.

Sibling 2: Something I could’ve lived without.

Sibling 1: Rude.  So, what do you think you forgot?

Sibling 2: Well if I knew that, then I’d’ve remembered it and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.

Sibling 1: Rude again.  Just trying to help since, after all, you called me!

Sibling 2: Sorry.  Anyway, it started bothering me, and I think it involves you, but I can’t for the life of me remember what it is!

Sibling 1: (Stretches with another yawn) I dunno, maybe you owe me money?

Sibling 2: Ha!

Sibling 1: Fair enough.  Maybe I owe you money?

Sibling 2: No, I would’ve gotten it out of you right away.

Sibling 1: True.  All right: what were you doing that triggered the memory of the forget?

Sibling 2: I was checking my e-mail – nothing stood out, but I got a nudgy feeling at the back of my brain all of a sudden and I don’t know why.

Sibling 1: (Eyes closed while starting to doze off again) Well, it was probably something you read; just retrace your virtual steps and I’m sure it’ll all come back to you….

Sibling 2: Huh.  That’s actually a good idea.

Sibling 1: Yes, I do have those every so often….

Sibling 2: OK, I’ll put you on speaker while I bring up my e-mail again.  (Starts pressing buttons on the phone)

Sibling 1: You… bet…. (Starts snoring softly)

Sibling 2 (On speaker, scrolling through e-mails) Right, we’ve got water bill, Internet bill, electricity bill, that one’s already paid but due today, June 15, and OH MY GOSH I COMPLETELY FORGOT THAT TODAY IS FATHER’S DAY!!!

Sibling 1: (Leaps out of bed and is fully dressed in the space of five seconds) OH NO IT IS FATHER’S DAY HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!

Sibling 2: (Running in circles in the living room) HOW COULD I FORGET???!!!  HOW COULD YOU FORGET???!!!  WHY DO I ALWAYS HAVE TO REMEMBER EVERYTHING???!!!

Sibling 1: (Running through the apartment aimlessly) BECAUSE IT’S THE RULES!  HOW COULD YOU REMEMBER MOTHER’S DAY AND NOT FATHER’S DAY???!!!

Sibling 2:  I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS ONE ON A SECOND SUNDAY AND THE OTHER ON A THIRD SUNDAY???!!!

Sibling 1: I DON’T KNOW, WHY IS THE SKY BLUE???!!!                  

Sibling 2: THAT’S A FALSE EQUIVALENCY!  THAT HAS TO DO WITH PHYSICS; THIS IS A HUMAN-MADE CULTURAL EVENT THAT HAS NO MEANING OUTSIDE OF ITSELF!  WHAT’RE WE GONNA DOOOOOOO???!!!

Sibling 1: I GOT IT!  ASK DAD FOR ADVICE!

Sibling 2: HE’S THE ONE WE’RE INSULTING WITH OUR NEGLECT AS WE SPEAK!

Sibling 1: ALL RIGHT, THEN I’VE GOT NOTHIN’!

Sibling 2: YOU – (Suddenly stops running and abruptly sits back down on the couch) OK, this is what’s going to happen: you go to the supermarket and grab the first “Father’s Day From Both” card you find and the biggest chocolate cake you find; I’ll get generic and sweet shop gift cards; we’ll meet up at the parents’ house at 1:00, throw ourselves onto the mercy of the court, and hope they’re in the middle of barbecuing dinner by the time we get there, got it?

Sibling 1: (Had stopped running when reaching the inside of the hall closet) Got it!

Sibling 2: Great!

Sibling 1: Just one thing.

Sibling 2: What?

Sibling 1: When you say “1:00”, is that a hard “1:00” or is there a two-hour leeway that – (Call is disconnected) Hello?

1:00 P.M. 

(Sibling 1’s and Sibling 2’s cars screech onto the parents’ driveway after each other; each falls out of their respective driver side doors carrying their respective gifts, run to the front entrance of the house, and crash into the closed door)

Sibling 1: (Tosses the cake and card into Sibling 2’s arms and begins pounding on the door with both fists) Hello-hello-hello-hello-hello- !

Sibling 2: They never lock it when they know we’re coming over – something’s wrong

Sibling 1: (Stops pounding) Oh no, this is the nightmare scenario every caring middle-aged child faces!  And on a major holiday, no less!  How inconvenient!

Sibling 2: What?  Here.  (Tosses the cake and card back to Sibling 1, reaches into a pocket with the hand not holding the gift cards, pulls out a ring of keys, flips through them frantically, and unlocks the front door; both rush into the house)

Sibling 1: (Running back-and-forth between the kitchen and the living room, still carrying the cake and card) MOM??!!  DAD???!!!  ARE YOU ALIVE????!!!!  ANSWER MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Sibling 2: (Sighs while slowing down to a stop in the kitchen) I can see now you’ll be absolutely useless in an actual crisis.

Sibling 1: (Also stops and turns to face Sibling 2) Oh good, that means you’d take care of everything, right?

Sibling 2: Apparently.  (Spots a note on the counter) Hold on.  (Both walk over to the counter; Sibling 2 picks up the note and reads aloud) “Hey Kids, we know you’ve both had a lot going on lately so your Mom and I figured rather than bringing up Father’s Day and putting you on the spot, we went to Hawai‘i instead.  We’ll be back on Friday, so since you’re reading this note please tell the next-door neighbor that you’ll now be feeding the cats while we’re gone.  We’ll show you a bunch of photos and videos when we get back!  Love, Your #1 Dad”

Sibling 1: (After a few moments of silence) So does that mean, he’s cool about the whole thing, or he’s not and we’re in deep trouble?

Sibling 2: You’d think we’d be able to tell after knowing someone for literally our entire lives.  Probably best to anticipate the latter and also clean the house while we’re feeding the cats, and hope for the former by the time the folks get back.  (Leans down to scratch the ears of two cats who suddenly appeared, knowing they were being discussed)

Sibling 1: Good thinking.  (Holds up the container) Should we go ahead and eat the cake, then?

Sibling 2: …Be a shame to waste it.

Story 503: Can’t Remember What I Forgot to Remember

(In an apartment kitchen, Resident is on the phone while making a sandwich)

Resident: I know I’m in my 40s in a dead-end job with no actual chance of ever finding real meaning in my life, but if I want to spend my days off exactly the same way I did as a kid – lying around reading comic books and playing video games – then I see no reason to alter the formula for my joy if it’s working, don’t you agree?... Well, that’s your life now isn’t it, so stop telling me how to live mine!  (Freezes on seeing a note on the refrigerator that screams “DON’T FORGET!!!”) Listen, something came up, I gotta go…. Yeah, see you at the board meeting at Corporate tomorrow, bye.  (Ends the call, puts the phone on the counter, and gingerly takes the note off the refrigerator to stare at it) Hmmmm…. Wish my past self had thought to add details….

(Several hours later, Resident answers the phone in the bedroom while sitting on the floor, surrounded by a pile of laundry)

Resident: (Flinging clothes around during the conversation) Oh hey, what’s up?...Little busy right now…. Well, you know when you tie a string around your finger so that you’ll remember something but when you see the string you forgot the reason why you tied it in the first place?... I don’t mean you personally, I – forget it: bottom line is, I left a note to myself to remember something and now I forgot what it was I was supposed to remember so I’m trying to retrace my steps from the day I think I wrote it…. No, I just wrote “DON’T FORGET!!!” on it…. Yes, I know also writing the reason on the same piece of paper would’ve been the smart thing to do – would you like to go back in time and tell me that?!... You’d be snippy too if you can’t remember what you forgot to remember!... That sentence is not redundant, good-bye!  (Ends the call and flings the phone into the laundry pile, then stares at the mass blankly) Great – what was I doing?!

(Several hours later, Resident answers a knock on the door after checking the peephole)

Resident: (Looking extremely disheveled) Yes?  How can I help you?

Neighbor: Hi, I actually wanted to check whether you needed help.

Resident: What for?

Neighbor: Well, I keep hearing loud crashes and things being slammed through my ceiling, so I figured I’d come up here and make sure you were OK.

Resident: No you didn’t: you came up here to tell me to knock it off.

Neighbor: True, but the polite version of that.  (Peers around Resident and sees belongings strewn about everywhere) Did one of those recent tornadoes pop in here?

Resident: No, Nosy, I’m having a memory crisis and I’m trying to figure out why I wrote a note to myself to remember something when I didn’t write down what that was so now I’m going through all my stuff until my brain finally wakes up and retrieves the memory it was supposed to hours ago so I can actually enjoy my day off!

Neighbor: Wow.  That’s rough.

Resident: No kidding!

Neighbor: Was your note maybe next to the thing you’re supposed to remember and maybe that’s why you didn’t write it down?

Resident: I – (Clamps jaw shut and looks off to the side in remembrance, then back at Neighbor) Hold on.  (Walks to the refrigerator, locates the now-blank area where the “DON’T FORGET!!!” note had been attached, and see to the right of it a photo of a sunny summer day with an inspirational quote about enjoying life to the fullest plastered all over it.  Resident stares at that for several moments, then slowly walks back to Neighbor) It appears I had thought it necessary to remind myself to enjoy my day off today.

Neighbor: Oh.  Guess this is one of those times where we’re our own worst enemies, eh?

Resident: To put it mildly.  Now I just wish I could forget this ever happened.