Story 539: I Want to Break Up With My Internet Service Provider

            (In an apartment, Resident is working on a laptop at the kitchen table)

Resident: (Typing) “As they stared deeply into each other’s eyes, they felt the immense joy that is making the direct leap from Enemies-to-Lovers – ” (There is a knock at the front door) And there goes the muse.  (Resident closes the laptop, walks over to the door, checks the peephole, sighs from the depths, and opens the door to Internet Service Provider, who is holding a bouquet of roses and several gift cards) Oh.  It’s you.

Internet Service Provider: I got your message.

Resident: And?

Internet Service Provider: Can we talk?

Resident: (Starting to close the door) I really don’t have time to go over all this again –

Internet Service Provider: (Falls to knees) Please!  I’m begging you!  In the name of all we’ve been through together!

Resident: (Taken aback in mild disgust) OK, don’t embarrass yourself in front of the neighbors.  (Internet Service Provider stands) I’m listening.

Internet Service Provider: Can I come in?

Resident: What for?  You’re already in – you’re everywhere, actually.

Internet Service Provider: I know, but that’s background ether; this is more personal.

Resident: (Mildly rolls eyes) Fine, come in.  (Allows Internet Service Provider inside, closes the door, and leads the way to the living room for them both to sit on the couch; Internet Service Provider smiles and holds out the roses and gift cards) I’m not accepting any gifts until I’ve heard everything.

Internet Service Provider: Understood.  (Sets the items aside on the couch) So!  We’ve been together for a long time now, haven’t we?

Resident: Yeah, I think about seven years now, right?

Internet Service Provider: Seven years, four months, 10 days, eight hours –

Resident: I get the picture.  Time flies, I guess.

Internet Service Provider: It sure does!  (Stares soulfully into Resident’s eyes) You’ve been happy this whole time, right?  I’ve made you happy this whole time, right?!

Resident: When you’re working right, yeah.

Internet Service Provider: (Smile is now strained) You know certain circumstances are out of my control.

Resident: Oh, I understand when the power’s out, thunderstorms, all that; not your fault, no problem.

Internet Service Provider: Thank you.

Resident: It’s the regular Internet outages on clear sunny days with absolutely nothing else going on that, shall we say, get me down.

Internet Service Provider: Again, that’s due to circumstances outside of my control –

Resident: Such as faulty equipment?

Internet Service Provider: It gets fixed right away, doesn’t it?!

Resident: Usually; I’ll give you that.

Internet Service Provider: (Wails) Then why do you want to leave me??!!

Resident: I told your customer service rep on the phone earlier: you priced yourself out of my budget.

Internet Service Provider: Quality costs money, you know that!

Resident: Then how come the same quality from another company costs almost half of what you charge?

Internet Service Provider: Because they’re sneaky little sell-outs!  You gotta watch your bill with them all the time, and they’d never take care of you like I do!

Resident: (Folds arms) OK then: make me a better offer.

Internet Service Provider: Is that what this is all about?  All our years of devotion to each other, boiled down to a question of mere money?!

Resident: Well, yes: I made that quite clear to your rep when I called.

Internet Service Provider: (Buries head in hands) How crass; how crude!

Resident: How practical.

Internet Service Provider: (Sits back up and sniffs indignantly) Very well: if “Expense” is the only language that you speak now, then I’ll once again prove my dedication and worthiness to you.  (Holds out the gift cards again) I think you’ll find these more than quench your insatiable greed for “reasonable compensation”.

Resident: (Stares at the cards coldly and briefly) Those would maybe cover the overage for a month or two – the new bill increase is forever.  Guess you don’t care about me as much as you claim to, huh.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops the cards, sputtering) But – I – you – inflation!

Resident: And again, your competition seems to be able to handle it while you continue to flounder, with spotty service to boot.

Internet Service Provider: (Draws up in a dignified rage and speaks in an extremely controlled voice) I can knock $25 off the new total.

Resident: One-time or going forward?

Internet Service Provider: Going forward.

Resident: (Does a few mental calculations) Not ideal, but enough for now to keep me from going through the hassle of switching providers and having strangers come in here to rip out all your stuff and then again to put in all new stuff.  That’s a headache, let me tell you.

Internet Service Provider: (Brightens) So, that’s it?  You’re staying?

Resident: (Nods) I’m staying.

Internet Service Provider: (Drops to the floor and grabs Resident’s knees) Oh, thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!!!

Resident: But!  (Internet Service Provider looks up) That bill goes up a single dollar after that and we’re through, got it?

Internet Service Provider: (Avoids Resident’s gaze while gathering up the items) Sure….

Resident: (Narrows eyes at Internet Service Provider, then grabs the flowers and the cards from the latter) And I’m keeping these, for the aggravation alone.

Internet Service Provider: (Stands with Resident) Of course, they’re for you!  Anything you want, everything I have is for you!

Resident: (Ushering Internet Service Provider to the door) Free modem rental, then?

Internet Service Provider: (Stops) Well, when I say “anything” –

Resident: Yeah – bye.  (Shoves Internet Service Provider out the door)

Internet Service Provider: (Leans back inside) Oh, one more thing: when you get the customer satisfaction survey, can you make sure to say how much I value you and how much you appreciate what I’ve done to treat you right and keep you with me forever?

Resident: At the moment, that’s debatable.

Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day

             (At a café table)

Friend 2: – so now we all have to work overtime again hoping we at least break even, and I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.

Friend 1: Really?  But you’ve been there for years.

Friend 2: I know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.

Friend 1: Know the feeling.

(They both sip their drinks in companionable silence)

Friend 2: So!  Yesterday must’ve been rough for you, huh.

Friend 1: In what way?

Friend 2: Wasn’t it Ash Wednesday?

Friend 1: Oh!  That.  Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and skipped the rest.  Although, I restrained myself and did not have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.

Friend 2: Yeah, but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!

Friend 2: Yeah, somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.  And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.

Friend 1: (Still staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was yesterday?!

Friend 2: Yeah, how could you miss it?  All the stuff for it was on sale the day after Christmas.

Friend 1: But – but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!  What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love holiday of the year?!

Friend 2: You can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be fine.

Friend 1: No, don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of deprivation?!  Mardi Gras was right there too and I blew it!  (Sinks head onto the table and groans in annoyance)

Friend 2: (Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch tonight, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up again) Yes!

Friend 2: Ohhh-kaaaay….

(At Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter) And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  (Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.  (Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)

[Dream]

Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment) Whoo!  That was an obnoxious day.

Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove) I’ll bet.  So, you got something for me?

Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?

Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!

Friend 1a: That’s today?!

Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!

Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!

Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical calendar complication slipped your notice as well.

Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get some chocolate candy now!

Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!

Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just got home from work!

Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!  You never think about my needs; it’s always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!

Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair) What am I gonna do?!  One of the few times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now that I missed it by one day I’ve gotta wait another 46 before happiness is mine again!

Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for 9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.

Friend 1a: What about Halloween?

Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!  This is, and you clearly don’t love me!

Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

Friend 1b: Aha!  There it is: the inevitable resentment buried within the essence of supposed “true love.”  I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!

Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?

Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have all the chocolate heart boxes that go on sale later this week, and all the chocolate bunnies and all the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!  (Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake up)

[/Dream]

Friend 1: Wow.  Good thing I’m not in a relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.

Story 411: The Vicious Cycle of Sort-of Love

 (The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)

Lover 1: Hi.

Lover 2: Hey.

Lover 1: You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my entire two decades on this planet.

Lover 2: Same.  Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?

Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.

(They go to a local café to drink coffee in front of each other instead)

Lover 2: Just to be clear about this whole thing: I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone who is just like me but not 100% like me so as to be creepy, ya dig?

Lover 1: Completely.  I’ve needed someone to talk to who shares all my interests, is almost-but-not-quite my mirror, and preferably super-hot, and you fit the bill.

Lover 2: As do you.  I could stare into your eyes all day.

Lover 1: (Blushes and looks down) Aw, shucks.  (Looks up again, under intense brows)

Lover 2: Rowwrrrrrr.

Lover 1: And you: your face, your hair, your everything, especially the pheromones I assume you’re secreting that are driving my olfactory receptors bonkers.

Lover 2: That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire two decades on this planet.

Barista: (Passing by their table with a mop) Excuse me.  (The other two look up from their unblinking mooning over each other) We’re closing in five minutes.

Lover 1: What’s five minutes when there is a love to last for eternity?

Lover 2: Sighhhh….

Barista: Five minutes for you two to schmaltz on out of here before I call the cops.

Lover 1: Gone. 

(They flee the café, then hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)

Lover 1: Sooo, now that we’ve gotten through the preliminaries of sitting at the same table for a bit and expressing our deepest, truest emotions of spiritual connection:  my place or yours?

Lover 2: Whichever’s closer; I just need to ask you one thing.

Lover 1: Anything you desire, my heart, my soul, my one and only!

Lover 2: What’s your name?

 ONE YEAR LATER

(In Lover 1 and 2’s shared apartment, Lover 2 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)

Lover 1: What’s all this?

Lover 2: Our inevitable break-up, of course.

Lover 1: Oh.  I thought we’d have at least another few months – what happened?

Lover 2: The usual: all your habits drive me up the wall, all mine drive you the same, yet we’re so alike that our arguments stretch out into infinity, not to mention our families never saw in us what we saw in each other so they can’t stand the thought of us ever, plus things are starting to heat up with my soulmate at work and we’re obsessed with our newfound love even though we’re both in committed relationships – you know, same old story.

Lover 1: Got it.  Guess I just hoped it would take a few decades of all that before one or both of us finally took the simplest way out.

Lover 2: My last gift to you: I’m removing myself at the exact point where this has become an unsustainable cohabitation model.

Lover 1: Well thanks, I appreciate it.  Take care, `cause I sincerely doubt we’ll ever meet again.

Lover 2: You too.  I’m so glad I’ll be able to think back on all this with fondness instead of revulsion; this’ll also be great material for my upcoming poetry collection.

Lover 1: You write poetry?  (Lover 2 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset.  What’s on TV?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)

Lover 1: Hi.

Lover 3: `Sup?

Lover 1: You are the most beautiful –

Lover 3: Yadda-yadda-yadda: take me now!

 SIX MONTHS LATER

(In Lover 1 and 3’s shared apartment, Lover 3 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)

Lover 1: Time?

Lover 3: Yep.  Figured I’d head out now while we still actually like each other.

Lover 1: Good idea – bye!  (Lover 3 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset.  What’s on TV?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle – )

Lover 1: Wait a minute – do I really want to go through all this again?

Lover 4: What’s that?

Lover 1: You’re right: the heart wants what it wants.

Lover 4: Same.  Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?

Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.

(They go to the cash register to ring up their purchases)

Store Owner: (To Lover 1) I only say this because you’ve been in my store every night for the past seven years so that makes us practically family: get some respect for yourself and for others before you give yourself away to a stranger to fill some need!  Not to mention how dangerous this behavior is – lucky none of you so far turned out to be serial killers or these dramas would’ve had really unhappy endings.

Lover 1: That sounds right to my brain, but my heart screams “Indulge me!”

Store Owner: I don’t think it’s entirely your heart.

Lover 1: True.  But I have to ask: what precisely are your credentials in dispensing this wisdom, hm?

Store Owner: I’ve been married to the same person for almost 50 years and neither of us have strayed once.

Lover 1: (Eyes widen) Wow.  That’s half a century right there.  How’ve you two survived it?

Store Owner: We actually took the time to get to know and like each other before the whole body-and-soul commitment!

Lover 1: (Nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and how does one do that, exactly?

Lover 4: (Strolling back to Lover 1 after having wandered the entire store) Wanna head out before the café over here closes in five minutes?

Lover 1: Oh right, yeah.  (Finishes paying for the purchases and leaves with Lover 4; to Store Owner on the way out) Thanks for the advice, What’s-Your-Name!

Store Owner: Unbelievable.  I’m even wearing a name tag!

(Lovers 1 and 4 hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)

Lover 4: So, before I start resenting everything you do and every sound you make and vice versa, tell me all your favs for me to use as ammunition in later fights.

Lover 1: “Favs”?

Lover 4: Your favorite things: likes, dreams, hobbies?

Lover 1: (As they stop in front of the closing café and the Barista glares at them through the window) Doing the same thing over and over, apparently.