Story 529: I Forgot to Treat Myself on Valentine’s Day

             (At a café table)

Friend 2: – so now we all have to work overtime again hoping we at least break even, and I’m getting so tired of the whole thing I might finally quit.

Friend 1: Really?  But you’ve been there for years.

Friend 2: I know, and I won’t quit; it just feels better saying I might.

Friend 1: Know the feeling.

(They both sip their drinks in companionable silence)

Friend 2: So!  Yesterday must’ve been rough for you, huh.

Friend 1: In what way?

Friend 2: Wasn’t it Ash Wednesday?

Friend 1: Oh!  That.  Have to admit, I’m one of those Roman Catholics who got their ashes and a brief prayer from a chaplain at work, and skipped the rest.  Although, I restrained myself and did not have my usual Wednesday pizza for dinner so, go me.

Friend 2: Yeah, but this year it fell on Valentine’s Day.

Friend 1: (Eyes widen slowly in horror) …Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaat??????!!!!!!

Friend 2: Yeah, somebody else I know was feeling down because they had to celebrate Valentine’s Day a few days early this time because day-of they had to fast and abstain and all that, so they got stuck doing their date night on Super Bowl Sunday which turned out to be another inconveniently scheduled event this year.  And I know you give up chocolate for Lent, so that must’ve been a real drag yesterday when you normally would’ve been celebrating the “holiday of love” with, you know, yourself.

Friend 1: (Still staring in shock) Valentine’s Day was yesterday?!

Friend 2: Yeah, how could you miss it?  All the stuff for it was on sale the day after Christmas.

Friend 1: But – but – I completely forgot to buy myself candy hearts and bouquets of chocolate roses and sea salt caramels and gourmet dinner!  What kind of soul mate am I to myself if I forget the biggest self-love holiday of the year?!

Friend 2: You can still do all that stuff now; just eliminate one ingredient and you’ll be fine.

Friend 1: No, don’t you see it’s too late and now I’m entrenched in the season of deprivation?!  Mardi Gras was right there too and I blew it!  (Sinks head onto the table and groans in annoyance)

Friend 2: (Finishes the drink) That’s too bad – gonna make yourself sleep on the couch tonight, then?

Friend 1: (Looks up again) Yes!

Friend 2: Ohhh-kaaaay….

(At Friend 1’s apartment)

Friend 1: (Staring morosely at various bags of chocolate candy on the kitchen counter) And we didn’t even get a proper good-bye.  (Scoops up the bags, throws them into a cabinet, and welds the door shut) See you in a month-and-a-half.  (Goes to the living room, lies down on the couch, and takes a nap)

[Dream]

Friend 1a: (Entering the apartment) Whoo!  That was an obnoxious day.

Friend 1b: (Cooking dinner on the stove) I’ll bet.  So, you got something for me?

Friend 1a: Umm… love and respect?

Friend 1b: No, idiot: Valentine’s Day candy!

Friend 1a: That’s today?!

Friend 1b: No, idiot: it falls on Ash Wednesday this year so you were supposed to do the last hurrah the day before!

Friend 1a: How could I have missed this?!

Friend 1b: Since you can’t even seem to remember the explicit date of February 14 that’s so embedded with the holiday they’re practically twins, I shouldn’t be surprised that this liturgical calendar complication slipped your notice as well.

Friend 1a: All right, all right, I’ll go get some chocolate candy now!

Friend 1b: It’s too late: all the stores are closed, it’s midnight so it’s already Ash Wednesday and the sacrifice begins!

Friend 1a: How can it be midnight; I just got home from work!

Friend 1b: Who cares about all that?!  You never think about my needs; it’s always you-you-you, and your chronic obliviousness!

Friend 1a: (Collapses onto a kitchen chair) What am I gonna do?!  One of the few times of the year where it’s socially acceptable to overindulge in sweets, and now that I missed it by one day I’ve gotta wait another 46 before happiness is mine again!

Friend 1b: (Now has a suitcase and is wearing a coat) This is just typical: not only are you missing the whole point of the season, but your one job is to keep me supplied in chocolate bliss for 9/10ths of the year and you failed on the holiday where it counts the most.

Friend 1a: What about Halloween?

Friend 1b: Halloween isn’t about love!  This is, and you clearly don’t love me!

Friend 1a: Well, you can be a bit of a pain sometimes.

Friend 1b: Aha!  There it is: the inevitable resentment buried within the essence of supposed “true love.”  I’m leaving, and you’ll have to sleep on the couch from now on!

Friend 1a: …But why, if you’re leaving?

Friend 1b: (On the way out the door) Maybe I’ll see you in 46 days, but you’d better have all the chocolate heart boxes that go on sale later this week, and all the chocolate bunnies and all the chocolate eggs for Easter, or we’re through!  (Slams the door, which makes Friend 1 wake up)

[/Dream]

Friend 1: Wow.  Good thing I’m not in a relationship for real – I’d never make it past any holiday.

Story 478: What Would You Like for Valentine’s Day?

“What would you like for Valentine’s Day this year, dear?”

“Oh, you know me, nothing much.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Just going out to dinner at a fancy-casual restaurant would be enough.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And maybe some chocolates.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that diamond bracelet I’ve had my eye on for a while – now would be a good time to get that for me.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And that trip to Mars everyone’s talking about – we should spend the weekend there while we think about colonizing it.”

“Uh-huh.”

“And you stopped listening to me four sentences ago.”

“Uh-huh.”

“Great.”

“Uh-huh.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

             “So, what would you like for Valentine’s Day, hon?”

“Oh hon, you know you don’t need to get me anything on a silly mini-holiday to prove your love!”

“Gee, thanks hon – ”

“But if you show up with nothing that day, we’re through.”

“YOU JUST SAID – !”

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 “So, you want flowers or candy this year for Valentine’s Day?”

“Um, candy would be fine, thanks!  What would you like?”

“The-new-zombie-apocalypse-crime-spree-scavenger-hunt-video-game-that-everyone-wants-so-it-keeps-selling-out – please.”

“That’s… a birthday-tier gift, darling.  Valentine’s Day is just cheap little quick-gifts, or marriage proposals.”

“Oh.  A pack of gum, then.”

“So romantic.”

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 “I have a great idea for Valentine’s Day this year!”

“Awesome!  What is it?”

“Well, since it’s sort-of by a weekend again this year, we should pack our bags and fly out to ----- on Friday and do a whole romantic getaway there!  Whaddya say?”

“I’d say, isn’t that where the Super Bowl’s playing at the exact same time?”

“…What an amazing coincidence!”

“I’ll bet.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “You get me anything for Valentine’s Day this year?”

“Nah; you get me anything?”

“Nope.”

“Good – save our money for the heating bill.”

“Nice.  I always knew we were compatible.”

             *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *

 “Here: I know every year you always say we shouldn’t exchange gifts on Valentine’s Day, but every year we get each other something anyway.”

“Aw, thanks!  I actually did pick you up a little something – ”

“Knew it!  Let’s see... aw, babe, the deed to the world’s oil reserves, you shouldn’t have!”

“Oh, shush, you; like I said, just a little something.  And mine is… an all-inclusive trip to the Andromeda Galaxy!  Babe, what a nice little jaunt that’ll be!”

“Well, you know, it’s Valentine’s Day – no need to go all out.”

Story 411: The Vicious Cycle of Sort-of Love

 (The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)

Lover 1: Hi.

Lover 2: Hey.

Lover 1: You are the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my entire two decades on this planet.

Lover 2: Same.  Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?

Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.

(They go to a local café to drink coffee in front of each other instead)

Lover 2: Just to be clear about this whole thing: I’ve been waiting my entire life for someone who is just like me but not 100% like me so as to be creepy, ya dig?

Lover 1: Completely.  I’ve needed someone to talk to who shares all my interests, is almost-but-not-quite my mirror, and preferably super-hot, and you fit the bill.

Lover 2: As do you.  I could stare into your eyes all day.

Lover 1: (Blushes and looks down) Aw, shucks.  (Looks up again, under intense brows)

Lover 2: Rowwrrrrrr.

Lover 1: And you: your face, your hair, your everything, especially the pheromones I assume you’re secreting that are driving my olfactory receptors bonkers.

Lover 2: That is the most romantic thing I’ve ever heard in my entire two decades on this planet.

Barista: (Passing by their table with a mop) Excuse me.  (The other two look up from their unblinking mooning over each other) We’re closing in five minutes.

Lover 1: What’s five minutes when there is a love to last for eternity?

Lover 2: Sighhhh….

Barista: Five minutes for you two to schmaltz on out of here before I call the cops.

Lover 1: Gone. 

(They flee the café, then hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)

Lover 1: Sooo, now that we’ve gotten through the preliminaries of sitting at the same table for a bit and expressing our deepest, truest emotions of spiritual connection:  my place or yours?

Lover 2: Whichever’s closer; I just need to ask you one thing.

Lover 1: Anything you desire, my heart, my soul, my one and only!

Lover 2: What’s your name?

 ONE YEAR LATER

(In Lover 1 and 2’s shared apartment, Lover 2 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)

Lover 1: What’s all this?

Lover 2: Our inevitable break-up, of course.

Lover 1: Oh.  I thought we’d have at least another few months – what happened?

Lover 2: The usual: all your habits drive me up the wall, all mine drive you the same, yet we’re so alike that our arguments stretch out into infinity, not to mention our families never saw in us what we saw in each other so they can’t stand the thought of us ever, plus things are starting to heat up with my soulmate at work and we’re obsessed with our newfound love even though we’re both in committed relationships – you know, same old story.

Lover 1: Got it.  Guess I just hoped it would take a few decades of all that before one or both of us finally took the simplest way out.

Lover 2: My last gift to you: I’m removing myself at the exact point where this has become an unsustainable cohabitation model.

Lover 1: Well thanks, I appreciate it.  Take care, `cause I sincerely doubt we’ll ever meet again.

Lover 2: You too.  I’m so glad I’ll be able to think back on all this with fondness instead of revulsion; this’ll also be great material for my upcoming poetry collection.

Lover 1: You write poetry?  (Lover 2 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset.  What’s on TV?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle in the 24-7 convenience store – the fall into love is instantaneous)

Lover 1: Hi.

Lover 3: `Sup?

Lover 1: You are the most beautiful –

Lover 3: Yadda-yadda-yadda: take me now!

 SIX MONTHS LATER

(In Lover 1 and 3’s shared apartment, Lover 3 is heading to the front door with several suitcases and bags when Lover 1 enters from the bedroom, just waking up and wearing flannel pajamas)

Lover 1: Time?

Lover 3: Yep.  Figured I’d head out now while we still actually like each other.

Lover 1: Good idea – bye!  (Lover 3 leaves without looking back) Whelp, time to reset.  What’s on TV?

 ONE WEEK LATER

(The couple-to-be lock eyes across the aisle – )

Lover 1: Wait a minute – do I really want to go through all this again?

Lover 4: What’s that?

Lover 1: You’re right: the heart wants what it wants.

Lover 4: Same.  Wanna go somewhere and eat food in front of each other?

Lover 1: I thought you’d never ask.

(They go to the cash register to ring up their purchases)

Store Owner: (To Lover 1) I only say this because you’ve been in my store every night for the past seven years so that makes us practically family: get some respect for yourself and for others before you give yourself away to a stranger to fill some need!  Not to mention how dangerous this behavior is – lucky none of you so far turned out to be serial killers or these dramas would’ve had really unhappy endings.

Lover 1: That sounds right to my brain, but my heart screams “Indulge me!”

Store Owner: I don’t think it’s entirely your heart.

Lover 1: True.  But I have to ask: what precisely are your credentials in dispensing this wisdom, hm?

Store Owner: I’ve been married to the same person for almost 50 years and neither of us have strayed once.

Lover 1: (Eyes widen) Wow.  That’s half a century right there.  How’ve you two survived it?

Store Owner: We actually took the time to get to know and like each other before the whole body-and-soul commitment!

Lover 1: (Nods) Uh-huh, uh-huh – and how does one do that, exactly?

Lover 4: (Strolling back to Lover 1 after having wandered the entire store) Wanna head out before the café over here closes in five minutes?

Lover 1: Oh right, yeah.  (Finishes paying for the purchases and leaves with Lover 4; to Store Owner on the way out) Thanks for the advice, What’s-Your-Name!

Store Owner: Unbelievable.  I’m even wearing a name tag!

(Lovers 1 and 4 hold hands while strolling on the sidewalk)

Lover 4: So, before I start resenting everything you do and every sound you make and vice versa, tell me all your favs for me to use as ammunition in later fights.

Lover 1: “Favs”?

Lover 4: Your favorite things: likes, dreams, hobbies?

Lover 1: (As they stop in front of the closing café and the Barista glares at them through the window) Doing the same thing over and over, apparently.

Story 407: How to Serve a Criticism Sandwich

 (In an office)

Manager: (Enters with Employee and gestures at a chair) Have a seat.  (Sits behind the desk as Employee sits at the other side) So, for your annual performance review, Corporate instructed us to try something different.  (Reaches into a drawer and places a plate with a large sandwich on it in front of Employee) Here.

Employee: …They’re finally giving us free lunches?

Manager: Ahahahahaha – !  No, that’s a Criticism Sandwich.  It’s your performance review.

Employee: I don’t understand – am I supposed to eat this?

Manager: Course not; just read what it says.

Employee: (Gingerly takes the sandwich and reads the top slice of bread) “Always clocks in and out on time.”

Manager: You don’t know what a relief that is, to me and to Payroll.  Much appreciated.

Employee: Thanks.

Manager: (Nods at the sandwich) Go on.

Employee: Oh.  (Takes off the top slice and looks at the meat of the sandwich) “Needs to improve time management – tends to procrastinate on projects.”  (Winces)

Manager: Yeah, don’t appreciate that.

Employee: (Lifts off a slice of meat and continues) “Needs to improve on working in groups.”  (Looks up at Manager) I’m the only other one in our department!

Manager: Exactly.

Employee: (Takes off another slice) “Tends to allow personal life to interfere with work.”  (Looks up at Manager) It was one time!

Manager: You say that every time.  No one on the floor cares when your household appliances break down – we all manage to deal with those without involving the whole world.

Employee: I’m sorry, but it’s very disruptive when it happens!

Manager: And so are you.  Continue.

Employee: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “Brightens everyone’s day here.” Gee, thanks!

Manager: Yeah, you’re a real ray of sunshine – no one’s getting raises this year.

Employee: Oh.  Can I eat the sandwich then?

Manager: I wouldn’t.

(At a writing group)

Writer 1: (Reading from latest draft of life’s work to the circle) “ – and as the cannon fire rained down upon the battalion, each and every one of those soldiers knew there would be at least one sentence in a military history monograph dedicated to that very last thought.”  (Looks up at the rest of the group, extremely emotional) “And there was.”  (Takes in the silent stares) …The End.

(Group Leader starts the others in polite clapping)

Group Leader: All right everyone, head on over to the sideboard and craft your Criticism Sandwiches for this latest piece!  (The members slowly trudge over to that table where supplies are spread out) Five minutes this time!  (Mutters) Let’s not be here all night.

Writer 1: What?

Group Leader: What?

(Five minutes later)

Group Leader: All righty!  Who wants to serve their sandwich first?

(The usual delay when no one wants to volunteer; Writer 2 then stands, quickly walks across the circle, and abruptly holds out the sandwich to Writer 1)

Writer 2: Here.  Nothing personal.  (Sits back down)

Writer 1: Of course it’s personal!  I wrote it!

Group Leader: Just accept the sandwich!  (Smiles very broadly) We’re all here to learn.  (Everyone else nods)

Writer 1: (Gingerly looks at the top slice of bread and reads) “Tackling this subject matter was very brave of you” – oh, no!

Group Leader: (Cracks a whip in the air) Keep going!

Writer 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of meat) “Too much melodrama” – (Lifts a slice) “Constantly shifting POV gave me mental whiplash” – (Lifts a slice) “For a supposedly nonfiction work, this had an awful lot of creative writing on what you assume real-life people were thinking” – where, exactly, hm?!

Writer 2: That last bit you read today was a prime example.

Group Leader: (Cracks whip again) Continue!

Writer 1: (Lifts a slice) “Could’ve used more graphs and charts” – ?!  I already have over 300!

Writer 2: Now, that there’s a writing technique called “verbal irony,” AKA “sarcasm.”  (Writer 1’s jaw drops)  I see though that it wasn’t conveyed too well in text – that’s one of my flaws that you all are helping me work on here.  (The other group members start another round of polite clapping)

Writer 1: (Grinds teeth loudly at Writer 2)

Group Leader: (Looking at watch) Yes-yes-lovely – have you reached the bottom of the sandwich yet?

Writer 1: I will now.  (Removes a few more slices of meat and reads the bottom slice of bread) “Overall, pretty funny.”  (Looks up at Writer 2) It’s a serious historical tome!

Writer 2: Whoops.

Group Leader: (To Writer 1) OK!  So what’s your takeaway from all this?

Writer 1: (Shakes the sandwich at Group Leader) Apparently, if I go by this, I need to rewrite the whole thing!

Group Leader: But, you also see that you were both brave and funny in your first of many, many drafts!

Writer 1: It’s not supposed to be funny!

Writer 2: Too bad – got a few chuckles outta me.

Group Leader: All right, who’s next to serve their sandwich?

Writer 1: What if I don’t want any more tonight?

Group Leader: Well, you’ll be cheating yourself out of some desperately needed feedback, but we all have the option to disregard any criticism here.

Writer 3: Aw shucks, I’d made mine a triple-decker!

 (In a café)

Partner 1: (After the couple has picked up their coffees and sat at a table) So, I’ve been thinking: we’ve been together for a few years, and I really like you a lot –

Partner 2: Oh good, I’d hoped you might.

Partner 1: – and I want to be with you for a long time; probably not forever, but a long time nonetheless.

Partner 2: Yeah: forever, ugh!  Unspecific “long time” is much better.

Partner 1: Soooo, I got you something.  (Reaches into a bag)

Partner 2: If it’s a ring, it undercuts your previous statement.

Partner 1: Oh no, nothing like that.  (Places a sandwich on a napkin in front of Partner 2)

Partner 2: Uhhh, thanks, but we’re going out to diner later and I don’t want to fill up.

Partner 1: It’s not for eating, it’s –

Barista: (Passing by while cleaning tables) Can’t have outside food here.

Partner 1: Oh no, it’s just a Criticism Sandwich.

Partner 2: (Gasps and widens eyes) It starts!

Barista: Ah.  Good luck with that.  (Moves along)

Partner 2: (Staring alternately at Partner 1 and the sandwich) Wha – I – how – I thought everything was going so well!

Partner 1: It is, but there’re always opportunities for improvement.  (Nods at the sandwich) Go ahead.

Partner 2: (Gulps, then reads the top slice of bread) “I love you with all of my heart.”  Aw, hon!

Partner 1: (Wipes away a small tear) Keep going, sweetie.

Partner 2: (Lifts off the bread and reads the top slice of vegetable) “You really need to clean up after yourself more.”  Is this about the laundry I left on the floor the other day?

Partner 1: It’s about the laundry you leave on the floor every day, yes – keep going.

Partner 2: (Lifts up the vegetable and reads a slice of meat) “You tend to ‘forget’ when it’s your turn to make dinner” – but “forget” is in quotes?

Partner 1: That was intentional – continue.

Partner 2: (Lifts up slice of meat) “That shade of hair dye doesn’t flatter you at all.”  (Looks up with a cocked eyebrow) Seriously?

Partner 1: All right, that one’s petty – skip to the next.

Partner 2: (Reaches the bottom slice of bread) “You are such a giving person and I’m lucky to have you in my life” – awwwwwwwww, honnnnnnnn!!!!!

Partner 1: (More tears threaten to spill) And I mean every word of that whole thing!

(They hold hands lovingly across the table)

Partner 2: You know, I’m now going to have to serve you a ginormous Criticism Sandwich of my own –

Partner 1: BRING IT ON, BABY!