Story 620: Awkward Film Premiere

             (On a living room couch, Fan is stretched out petting a tiny sleeping cat curled up next a leg while talking on the phone)

Fan: Sure, I think he was a great child actor, and he’s gotten even better as he’s gotten older, but I also just can’t bring myself to see his new movie.

Friend: (Also on a living room couch, stretched out petting a giant sleeping dog lying across the entire body while talking on the phone) Why not?  You’ve see practically all his other stuff, and I hear this one’s getting rave reviews so far and it hasn’t even officially been released yet.

Fan: Oh, yeah, I bet it’s great, it’ll probably sweep all the awards and go down in film history as one of the all-time classics, but there’s one sticking point that I just can’t get past.

Friend: And that is?

Fan: It was gleefully blasted online about a year ago that he’s got at least three, shall we say, adult scenes in this, and from what I’ve heard, they’re very adult.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, we’ve gone beyond an R rating and are now in NC-17 territory.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: As in, full frontal and everything that goes with it.

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: You’re not realizing the problem with this?

Friend: Well, we’re all supposedly mature grown-ups here, and I know you’ve seen movies with that kind of material before, so what’s the issue?

Fan: The issue is, I’ve seen him on-screen since he was 7 years old!

Friend: Uh-huh?

Fan: I was 21 when his first film came out!  Even saying that out loud feels like a crime!

Friend: Oh relax, he’s a grown man now; if he wants to expose himself to the entire world, I say, more power to him.

Fan: And that’s fine, it just doesn’t feel right for me to be in the audience when he does it!

Friend: Whatever: I’ve seen him in the same movies you have and have no problem with it, so I’m going opening weekend and will let you know all about the fantastic cinematic experience you’re missing.

Fan: Great: have a wonderful time, pervert.

Friend: Weirdo.

(They both end the call simultaneously)

Fan: (Is tapped on the face by the now-awake cat) Oh, sorry there, bud – got distracted by a decency dilemma.  (Rubs the cats’ ears and checks e-mails on the phone as the latter falls asleep again; leans forward when reading one particular message)

E-mail Message: “CONGRATULATIONS!  You have been selected in the recent drawing to see ------ ---------’s new film, Torrid Torments!  Prize includes an all-expenses-paid trip to the New York premiere; front row seat to the film; and a pre-premiere meet-and-greet with ------ --------- himself!”

Fan: (In quiet horror) Ohhhhhhhhhh noooooooooo…. Wait a minute, I shouldn’t stress over what’s clearly a scam.  (Takes an hour to verify the message’s authenticity) Nope: I entered this drawing, all right.  Why on Earth would I do that?!  (Calls Friend and relays the message)

Friend: (Petting the giant dog now draped across the chest) What do you mean, you’re not going?!  All expenses paid, you fool!

Fan: I know, that’s probably why I entered in the first place without paying attention to the movie title, but were you not listening to what we were just talking about earlier?!

Friend: I was, and if it were me I still wouldn’t care!  Airfare – hotel – meals – front-row seat – MEET-AND-GREET!  I wouldn’t care if this was for the worst film of all time – if you turn this down, I will never forgive you for depriving me of the opportunity to live it vicariously!

Fan: (Sighs while absentmindedly rubbing the swooning cat’s belly) Well, I guess when you put it that way –

Friend: Yes!  When you get there, can you ask ------ what it was like being naked in front of 50 crew members?

Fan: Ewwwwwww!!!!

Friend: Kidding, I’m kidding!  Seriously, though: could you promise not to tell anyone else and then ask if he gets a secret thrill from this kind of attention?... Hello? 

SEVERAL MONTHS LATER 

(In the film premiere venue, Fan is dressed up in business casual and seated at a table waiting in a small meeting room with a studio representative)

Studio Representative: (After checking a phone) OK, just got the word that ------’ll be here in about a minute – nervous?

Fan: (Slowly tearing a napkin to shreds) Not quite the word for it, but yeah.

(Celebrity and entourage suddenly enter the room; Fan and Studio Representative stand)

Celebrity: (Approaches Fan, smiling broadly and hand outstretched) Hello, Contest Winner!  Congratulations on your well-deserved prize!

Fan: (Averting eyes as they shake hands) Thanks – nice to meet you.

Celebrity: Nice to meet you as well!  (Rubs hands together briskly) So!  Are they treating you all right?  Flight, hotel, this place – everything good so far?

Fan: (Still not looking Celebrity in the eye) Oh yes, everything has been lovely, thank you.

Celebrity: Perfect!  (Checks a watch) Well, we’ve got almost an hour before we need to get to our seats for the main event, so until then, I’m all yours!

Fan: (In a small voice) Yay….

Celebrity: (To one member of the entourage) Could you bring us some waters and snacks, please?  (The entourage member nods and leaves; Celebrity turns back to Fan and gestures to a couch) Let’s have a seat, shall we?

Fan: Sure….

(They sit on opposite ends of the small couch; Celebrity leans against the back as Fan sits stiffly straight; the rest of the entourage mills about on phones or chat with each other in chairs while security personnel station themselves by the couch and door)

Celebrity: So!  This your first time in New York City?

Fan: (Staring at the floor) No.

Celebrity: Ah.

Fan: (Looks at a wall near Celebrity’s head) I’ve been here a few times, to see shows and… the Library and… all that.

Celebrity: Oh, how nice!  I’ve been here before too, but always for film premieres so I never get to do much else.

Fan: Oh, that… stinks.

Celebrity: A little, but one of these days I’m sure I’ll get to be an actual tourist and see a show or… the Library.

Fan: Yeah.

Celebrity: …So!  What are your feelings about the film?

Fan: Um…..

Celebrity: I know: words can’t begin to describe the anticipation we all feel about it!  I really think this is the best work I’ve ever done, to be honest – (Leans toward Fan confidentially) I’ve been told that I may need to start the ol’ campaign once the film’s officially released, which is, you know, pretty flattering.  (Leans back, smiling excitedly)

Fan: (Brow furrowed in confusion, finally looks at Celebrity) Campaign… for office?

Celebrity: Awards.

Fan: Oh!  Right… yeah, I’m sure you’ll be nominated for all of them after this.

Celebrity: (Laughs self-deprecatingly) Well, who knows, right?  Either way, I don’t mind admitting that I’m a little nervous for today, especially how all the… well, you know… mature scenes will be received.

Fan: (Back to staring at the floor) Oh, I bet.

Celebrity: It’s funny, I’ve been in this business for decades, I’ve done all sorts of roles in all sorts of films, but the moment word gets out that I’m doing nudity for the first time, everyone loses their minds and reverts back to me being a kid again!  “Oh, little ------, is he trying to convince us he’s a big boy now?”  I’m in my 30s, for crying out loud!

Fan: (Wipes a sweaty temple) Mm-hm.

Celebrity: If I want to expose myself to the entire world, then by golly, I think I’ve earned the right to do so at this point in my career!  In fact, I think I’m long overdue!

Fan: (Examining a nonexistent hangnail) Yep.

Celebrity: (Stares at Fan for a moment, then suddenly scootches a little closer on the couch) Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize – does all that actually make you uncomfortable?

Fan: (Nods rapidly while looking back at the floor) A tad.  I was an adult when I saw your very first film, so this is all a bit… awkward for me.

Celebrity: Oh my.  I never thought about it that way; I thought everyone was just being stuck-up prudes.

Fan: There’s some of that in this, too.

Celebrity: Wow.  (Entourage member returns with water bottles and granola bars and hands them to Celebrity and Fan) Thanks.

Fan: Thank you.  (Immediately gulps down the water)

Celebrity: (To Fan) But you understand why I did those scenes in the film, right?  They’re not gratuitous, or for some cheap thrill – they are absolutely vital for the character I’m playing.

Fan: (After another gulp) I’m sure they are.

Celebrity: (Starts gesturing emphatically) It’ll all become clear when you see the entire work: the character’s arc, the progression from degradation into further and further depravity, the cinematography, the musical score, the sound effects – they all lead to these scenes of extreme joy, or extreme melancholy, depending on your interpretation.

Fan: I know, it’s just… (Looks at Celebrity again) Did you have to be completely naked to convey all that?!

Celebrity: (Blinks) Yes.  It’s all in the service of the art we’re creating here.  That’s the character’s ultimate transformation: (Leans in intensely) he bares his soul when he bares it all.

Fan: (Tries to smile, and nods) Got it.  (Finishes off the water)

Celebrity: (Leans back against the couch and smiles again) I’m glad.  Can’t wait until we see it all together!  But not “in the altogether,” am-I-right?  (Laughs nervously)

Fan: (Rips into the granola bar and bites off half of it) Yep, can’t wait. 

ONE HOUR LATER

(In the auditorium, Fan and Celebrity sit together in the front row, enraptured by the film)

Celebrity: (Leans over to whisper in Fan’s ear) What do you think so far?

Fan: (Not looking away from the screen, whispers back) It’s… really good.  You did a great job, and so did everyone else involved with this.  It’s absolutely mesmerizing.

Celebrity: (Blushes) Aw, thank you!  There’s no “I” in “Team”!  (They watch the film for a few more moments) Just wanted to let you know the first of those scenes is coming up now.

Fan: (Still watching the screen) Hm?  (The soundtrack changes the mood, along with the scene) Oh – oh my –

Celebrity: (Almost giddy while watching the screen) So nervous!

Fan: (As the scene progresses, tilts head down slightly and holds one hand perpendicular to the forehead) Um-hm.

Celebrity: (Looks over to Fan and whispers sharply) What are you doing?!  You can’t miss this now – I did six months of squats to get those glutes!

Fan: (Nods while still not looking up) And I can imagine that they were worth it.  (Actors on screen start getting more vocal) Hmmmmm…..

Audience Members: (Sitting behind Fan) Sssshhhh!!

Fan: (Whispers back without looking up) Sorry.  (Sinks lower in the seat)

Celebrity: (Disappointedly whispers to Fan) Well, you can bring yourself to watch the screen again, the scene’s over now – I’ll warn you when the other ones come up.

Fan: (Resumes previous upright position) Thanks – you’re a pal. 

TWO HOURS LATER 

(The lights in the auditorium come back on as the film ends and the audience members give a standing ovation; Celebrity, cast members, and other filmmakers in the first few rows stand to smile and wave at everyone, then sit back down as the director and producers approach the stage to give a speech)

Fan: (To Celebrity as the audience members also sit back down, most still applauding) I have to say, that was incredible!

Celebrity: (Smiles in relief) You really think so?

Fan: Yes!  You were right, I think this is the best work you’ve ever done!  And the other actors and the crew all were great – if the movie doesn’t get at least one award next season, then the whole thing’s a sham.

Celebrity: Wow, thank you so much!  It is extremely reassuring to hear such complimentary feedback; I appreciate it greatly, and I’ll let the others know, too!

Fan: (Smiling) Cool, thanks!

Celebrity: (Facing the stage again while the remaining applause fades out in anticipation of the speeches) And by the way, I have to say, you also were right.

Fan: (Also facing the stage again) Hm?  How so?

Celebrity: …Could’ve done without the nudity.

Story 549: How to Get the Vacation You Want

            (In a break room, Director and Second Assistant Director are sprawled out on opposite ends of a couch, each reading and marking up copies of the same script)

Director: (Abruptly lowers the script) I really want to go to Fiji this year.

Second Unit Director: (Not looking up) Why?

Director: Because that’s where everyone says they want to go on vacation, so I wanna go there, too.

Second Unit Director: I’d actually rather go somewhere cold, like Reykjavík.

Director: You’re a weirdo anyway – fact is, I really wanna go on vacation somewhere that I can pretend is in its own bubble of paradise for at least four days and three nights, but I’m working back-to-back projects all the time that I can never do anything fun anymore.

Second Unit Director: Well, that pretty much comes with the territory when you advance through the filmmaking ranks to become “The Director”.

Director: Doesn’t mean I have to like it!  (There is a knock on the door) What?!

Production Assistant: (Opens the door and sticks head into the room) Boss?  DP wants to do another take of Scene 317 in five.

Director: (Coolly) You can tell “DP” that just because the word “Director” is in the title it does not mean that dictates can be made to the entire company, and also that the other word “Photography” is the one that should be minded instead!

Production Assistant: Says we’re gonna lose the light coming in from the windows in less than an hour.

Director: Oh, the light, the light!  Fine, I’ll be right out.

Production Assistant: Thanks, Boss.  (Ducks out)

Director: (To Second Unit Director) You see what I mean?  Even my work time is taken away from me for other people’s work time – (Shakes the script in emphasis) I can’t even concentrate on blocking scenes because “we’re gonna lose the light!”  (Flings away the script dramatically and flings self back onto the couch, also dramatically)

Second Unit Director: (Flips through pages of the script thoughtfully, stopping at a point) You know, those scenes that take place during the war probably need to be filmed on location.

Director: (Holds head in aggravation) Ugh, don’t remind me!  I’ve squeezed as much of the budget as I could on special effects so we could film on the soundstage, but I just know no one’s gonna buy the war bits unless they’re legitimately outdoors.  How’m I gonna transport thousands of cast, crew, and equipment on a literal shoestring?!

Second Unit Director: I dunno, but however you manage it, it probably could be filmed in Fiji.

Director: (Head pops up) Eh?

Second Unit Director: Or somewhere similarly tropical, where they don’t mind us messing up the place as long as we clean up afterward.

Director: I don’t follow: even in a new location, I’d still be overworked and undervacationed.

Second Unit Director: It’s basically a busman’s holiday: you’re working, but you’re really on vacation.  Or, you’re on vacation, but you’re really working – depends on what mood you’re in is how you’d feel about the whole thing, I suppose.

Director: (Stares off into the distance while performing mental calculations) Five days of filming… downtime for scene changes… no night shoots needed so free time then… build in two days for inevitable travel delays… this might actually work.

Second Unit Director: Of course it will: it won’t be a stress-free holiday, sure, but you’ll get your tropical paradise getaway in 10-15 minute increments, at least.

Director: (Looks back at Second Unit Director) This is the answer to everything – you’re an absolute GENIUS!

Second Unit Director: Darn tootin’ – does that mean you’ll finally promote me from Second Unit Director to First Assistant Director?

Director: I’ll certainly think about it!  (Leaps off the couch with the script and runs to the door, then turns back) Hold on – shouldn’t you be off filming the background shots for the auditorium scene?

Second Unit Director: Already did it: your current First A.D. is the one who’s missing deadlines.

Director: (Cringes) Oh – right – I should get on that.  (Runs out of the break room to the main sound stage where a large crowd is gathered) All right, everyone, listen up!  (The crowd turns to face Director) I don’t know how, I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but pack your bags because sooner rather than later we are filming Scenes 551-578 on location!

Cast and Crew: Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!... Ohhhhhh….

Director: What?

Director of Photography: What location, exactly?

Director: Someplace Fiji-like – I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but that’s the First A.D.’s job anyway.

First Assistant Director: (Stops biting nails on hearing title) Huh?

Director: So anyway, all you all need to know is, this is happening.

Director of Photography: But the light –

Director: THIS IS HAPPENING!

THREE-AND-A-HALF WEEKS LATER

(On a tropical island’s beach in the early morning, Director stands barefoot in the gently lapping surf while staring at the calm ocean)

Director: Ahhhhh… paradise at last.  (Closes eyes, breathes in the sea air and exhales it fully, turns around to face the beach, and whips out a megaphone) All right, everyone, let’s pick up the pace here, I want to start filming in 10!  (Walks back onto the beach that has been taken over by the film’s cast, crew, and equipment)

Stunt Coordinator: (Jogs up to Director) You want us to run through the combat choreography between takes today, Boss?

Director: If you like, but only if you feel it’s necessary – just make sure your team’s relaxed and pampered.

Stunt Coordinator: Boss?

Director: I mean, limber and pepped up!

Stunt Coordinator: Got it.  (Jogs away)

Actor: (Jogs up to Director) Boss, I hate to be a stick in the mud, but the Sun and sand here are really doing a number on my skin.

Director: (Distractedly while picking up and examining a huge seashell) Oh?  How so?

Actor: I’m all puffy and peeling everywhere, and the combination is exponentially worse than either one of them would have been on its own.

Director: (Tosses away the seashell) Well, that’s what Makeup Department’s for – (Finally faces Actor and double-takes) Whoa!  Yeah, that is pretty bad.  (Starts looking around the beach and whips out the megaphone again) Makeup!  Would someone from Makeup get over here please and fix this disaster!  We’re starting in eight!

Production Assistant: (Jogs up to Director as Actor is taken away by someone from Makeup, and holds out a satellite phone) Boss, someone from some parasailing company said they wanted to speak with you – think it might be a scam?

Director: Ooh, no, I’ll take it, thanks.  (Takes the phone and talks while walking through the beach checking on equipment and people) Hi, thanks for calling me back – listen, my main question for you is, what’s the exact weight limit on those things, hm?... Well, I’m gonna have a heavy-duty film camera, two phones, and a boom mic in addition to… my average human weight…. I know you offer video packages, but I’m doing this for something less amateur, and I’m not supposed to be in the shot anyway…. No, please be very emphatic that they do not dunk me in the ocean at the end; do you want to see a grown adult bawl like a baby after damaging thousands of dollars’ worth of equipment?!

Former Second Unit Director, Now First Assistant Director: (Jogs up to Director) Hey, Boss?

Director: (To the phone) We’ll finalize the details later – tell the boat captain I want at least a solid hour up in the air, OK-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call and turns to First Assistant Director): Yep?

First Assistant Director: We’re ready to start filming but the gentle breeze has been whipping up the sand and it’s gunking up the equipment.

Director: So just shake it all out!

First Assistant Director: It’s not exactly that simple….

Production Assistant: (After listening to another crew member) Boss, we’ve got some rogue crabs wandering onto the set, and we’re not sure how to shoo them off without crushing them or getting our toes pinched.

Director: Gimme a minute.  (Turns to the ocean and raises both arms straight up)

First Assistant Director: What are you doing?!

Director: Mountain pose; AKA: Tadasana.  I had to cut my yoga session short this morning so I’m trying to finish it up now.  (Flattens down to the ground, then rises up to cobra pose) Should be done in about 15 minutes.  (Inhales loudly)

First Assistant Director: We’re filming in two!

Director: (Exhales loudly) Right.  Forgot.  (Jumps back up and whips out the megaphone again) Places, everyone!  Let’s make some movie magic!

Production Assistant: But what about the crabs?!

Director: (Lowering the megaphone) Dig a trench or something around the set – that should make them think twice about trespassing, I’ll bet. 

(First Assistant Director and Production Assistant jog back into the fray while shaking their heads in exasperation and passing Resort Employee who is being escorted by a security guard)

Resort Employee: (Approaches Director while holding out a tray with a drink that has a mini-umbrella sticking out of it) Your non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri?

Director: Ah yes, perfect timing.  (Takes the drink while handing Resort Employee a tip) Keep `em coming, will you please?

Resort Employee: (Deftly pocketing the tip) Gladly.  (Leaves with the security guard)

Director: (Facing the main part of the outdoor set while speaking into the megaphone again) Aaaaand… action!  (Sets down the megaphone and lounges in a beach chair placed in front of a bank of monitors while the scene commences, leaning back to take a nap) Yes indeedy, I sure could get used to filming on location, all – the – time.

Story 532: The Spaceship Captain Who Can’t Even Anymore

 [Not based on a true story; I’m just on a Star Trek kick lately and this is a sort-of parody of those series]

(On the minimally staffed bridge of a slightly run-down spaceship, Destination: Unknown)

Captain: (Slouching in The Big Chair and staring broodingly at the various crew members at their various stations doing their various tasks, then at the main viewscreen showing the same images of stars, galaxies, and deceptive nothingness streaking by.  With a full-bodied sigh, hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: Space Date 4… 3… 2… 1...?  It’s March 14, 2724 – I barely learned the metric system on Earth, you think I’m gonna learn another standardized set of measurements more random than the English system?  Whatever: just doing the obligatory check-in where I note that it’s business as usual.  We continue on our unending mission to who-knows-where in order to do who-knows-what, getting into all sorts of shenanigans along the way.  Whoever’s bright idea it was to stick hundreds of terrestrial-based beings into an oversized tin can, continuously pump fake atmosphere into it, use controlled explosions to shoot it off into a vacuum and hope for the best, oughta be smacked upside the head.  I mean, what is the point of all this anyway?  Discovery?  We’re not discovering anything – every planet and celestial phenomenon we encounter as we stumble along the stars either is already known by the beings who live there, or is so incompatible with our own flora and fauna that the best we can do is point and say “Ooh that’s nice!” and move on.  Anything else messes up the civilizations that were doing perfectly fine before we got there, starts yet another war, or at best perpetuates the cycle of codependency.  And don’t get me started on what goes on board here during the downtime between stops on our improvised itinerary: we’ve got more experiments going awry than ones that have any practical application; equipment malfunctioning more often than it works that it’s a bona fide miracle we haven’t all been blown out into space or sprouted extra body parts; and half the crew hooking up with the other half that I’m frankly amazed that any work gets done.  And if I have to sign one more inane report on ship’s systems that should be running themselves at this point, I am literally going to tear my own head off.

Lieutenant: (Has been standing next to The Big Chair the entire time) Captain?

Captain: (Turns to Lieutenant) Yeah?

Lieutenant: I have a report for you to sign.

Captain: (Stares balefully at Lieutenant for several seconds) Computer: delete that log entry.

Computer: Log entry deleted.

Captain: (Takes the tablet that Lieutenant is holding out, uses a stylus to scribble at the bottom of the screen, and hands it back) All done – I feel so fulfilled.

Lieutenant: (Stares a moment at the screen) Thank you, Captain, but this doesn’t appear to be your name at the bottom.

Captain: That’s because it isn’t.

Lieutenant: May I ask – ?

Captain: I’d rather you didn’t, but go ahead.

Lieutenant: What does “TL;DR” stand for?

Captain: (Chuckles) It’s an ancient Earth phrase that comes in very handy in situations like these, Ensign.

Lieutenant: …It’s Lieutenant, actually, Captain.

Captain (Brow furrows in confusion) Since when?

Lieutenant: Since you promoted me last year.

Captain: I did?  What for?

Lieutenant: I believe the reason you gave was “Unexpected Competence.”

Captain: (Thinks for a moment, then laughs) Oh right, now I remember.  (Pointedly addresses the rest of the bridge crew) It was so rare.  (They duck their heads in shame as Captain turns to Lieutenant again) OK, we’re done; what’re you still hanging around for?

Lieutenant: I’m waiting to be dismissed, Captain.

Captain: You’re a full-grown adult, Lieutenant; you don’t need my permission to live.

Lieutenant: True, but we’re military so I do need your permission to leave.

Captain: Ugh, enough of that nonsense.  (Taps another few buttons on the arm of The Big Chair) Attention, ship inhabitants: this is obviously your Captain speaking.  New rule: when a conversation is clearly over, feel free to buzz off instead of waiting for me or any other so-called “superiors” to tell you when to go, and if turns out we’re not finished then we’ll order you back.  Captain – OUT!  (Taps another button to turn off the intercom, then stares pointedly at Lieutenant)

Lieutenant: Oh, right – bye.  (Trots to the bridge lift to exit)

Captain: (Smiling at the retreating figure) I knew I made you Lieutenant for a reason!  (Leans back in The Big Chair and starts spinning it from side-to-side, sighing again) I’m bored – somebody put on a movie!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair to face Captain) Um, Captain, we need the main viewscreen to navigate.

Captain: No you don’t – the computer and sensors are doing all the work and you’re only telling them where we want to go.  And the viewscreen just uses psychology to trick our minds into thinking we’re actually getting somewhere in a universe that has no beginning and no end.  (Pilot turns back to the controls, flabbergasted; Captain opens a panel next to The Big Chair, rummages around a bit, and pulls out a can of soda) Computer: tap into the kitten cam feed of the Humane Society in New Jersey and patch it through to the bridge’s viewscreen.

Computer: Accessing kitten cam feed.

(The starscape on the viewscreen is replaced by kittens playing with toys, napping, and overall being cute)

Captain: Heh-heh; sweet.  (Pops open the can’s tab with one hand and slurps the drink)

(An alert sounds)

Communications Officer: Captain, a ship from the star system we designated as Kepler-186 has suddenly appeared off our port bow!

Captain: (Nearly spits out the drink) “Suddenly appeared”?!  Who fell asleep at the lookout station?!

Communications Officer: Their ships have technology to hide themselves before making a dramatic entrance, Captain!

Captain: Oh right, I forgot they had that – wish we did.

Communications Officer: They’re asking us to pick up on the party line, Captain!

Captain: (Drops the soda can into the open panel and slouches again, head lolling back on The Big Chair) Arggghhh, what do those douchebags want noooow??!!

Communications Officer: We’ll probably find out in a few seconds once we pick up, Captain.

Captain: (Cracks jaw) Computer: replace the kitten cam feed with the incoming call.

Computer: Replacing kitten cam feed with incoming call.

(Kittens are replaced by the face of an angry-looking soldier)

General: Earth vessel –

Captain: (Head snaps from side to center) WHAT?!

General: (Momentarily taken aback) This is the warship –

Captain: We know what your ship’s name is, weirdo; it’s written in huge letters all over the hull.  (General is stunned into silence) WHAT DO YOU WANT?!!!

General: (Regains composure) You have trespassed in our space and have 30 seconds to move along or we will bombard you with artillery!  And possibly destroy you, but that outcome’s never a guarantee.

Captain: (Rolls eyes) We’re nowhere near your space – and besides, no one owns space, it just is; none of it can be yours and you can’t tell anyone what to do or where to be!

Pilot: (Turns around again) Actually, Captain, according to a memo sent from headquarters yesterday, this sector is now considered their space.

General: Aha!  You were told!  And we do so own it!

Captain: (Finally sits up and speaks to Pilot through clenched teeth) Then why are we in it right now?

Pilot: I may have been a little distracted in my duties lately, Captain; my apologies.

Captain: …If you even hint that high-school-couples’ drama has nearly led to an intergalactic incident, I will personally court-martial the both of you.  (Pilot turns back around and focuses intently on keeping the spaceship hovering in place)

General: Well, Captain?  Will you shove off or not?

Captain: (Leans back again) So, what, you want us to move four inches to the left or something?

General: “Inches”?

Captain: How far do we have to move ourselves in order for you to be content?

General: Oh, not far – 1,000 light years should be sufficient.

Captain: (Eyes widen) Are you kidding me?!  Even at top speed that’ll take us – (Counts on fingers) over a year!  And you only gave us 30 seconds!

General: Which have now passed, so it seems you leave us no choice.  (To off-screen crew) Blast `em to smithereens, good people! 

(Call abruptly ends and General’s face is replaced by the kittens as the spaceship rocks from laser beams hitting it)

Captain: (Falls out of The Big Chair, then scrambles back onto it) Are our defenses even working?!

Tactical Officer: The outer energy fields should hold for at least another minute, Captain, so that’s something.

Captain: Unbelievable.

(Lieutenant re-enters the bridge from the lift)

Lieutenant: Captain!  (The latter whips around in The Big Chair to face the former) “Too Long; Didn’t Read”?!

Captain: (Nearly falls onto the floor again as the spaceship rocks violently) Are you for real right now?!  Get outta here, and go wherever it is you nerds hide during fights like this!

Lieutenant: (Gasps while holding onto a railing as the spaceship rocks again) You don’t even know what I do here?!

Captain: No, and I don’t care and never will, nerd!

Lieutenant: (Runs back to the bridge lift and turns around to face Captain defiantly) That’s the last time I make sure the life support system works at maximum!  (Lift doors close on anguished triumph)

Captain: Cripes.  (Spaceship rocks the hardest it has yet; Captain spins around to Tactical Officer) What’s keeping you?!  Fire back!

Tactical Officer: How so, Captain?  Lasers?  Bombs?  Sledgehammers?

Captain: (Holding onto The Big Chair’s arms for dear life) I don’t know; use your best judgement!

(Tactical Officer shrugs and hits a button; a burst of light hits the other vessel, which immediately shuts down)

Captain: What’d you do?!

Tactical Officer: Hit `em with an EMP – seemed best.

Captain: (To self) I didn’t even know we had one of those.  (Hits a few buttons on The Big Chair’s arm; General materializes on the bridge) So!  You were saying?

General: This is outrageous!  You not only trespass in our newly-declared property, but you’ve now doomed my entire crew to a slow death by suffocation or hypothermia, whichever decides to act faster!  Once our homeworld hears about this abomination, they’re gonna go nuts!

Captain: Too bad: picking a fight and then losing it spectacularly comes with the literal territory.

General: We were defending ours!

Captain: From what, our nonexistent exhaust?!

General: From your presence!  We don’t like you, and we don’t want anyone tromping through our interstellar backyard!

Captain: Feeling’s mutual, but you don’t see me blowing up your ship about it.

General: But you were told!

Pilot: (Turns around in chair) We were told, Captain.

Captain: (To Pilot) I don’t want to hear another word out of you ever again.  (To General as Pilot sheepishly turns back around) All right, since you and your homeworld are clearly going to be eternal pains about all this, I’ll make it real simple.  Computer: target the other vessel and relocate it – (Smiles demonically at General) INTO EARTH’S SUN.

General: WHAT?!

Computer: Incapable of executing command: not enough power exists on this vessel to transport that amount of mass over that amount of distance.

Captain: (Sighs and leans back to address the ceiling) I am surrounded by insubordination!  (Pushes off from The Big Chair and approaches General) Fine!  We’ll bring your crew over here, help you fix your ship, you go on your merry little way, we go on to… wherever out of here, and none of us ever speak of this again.  Happy?!

General: No, but it’ll do.

Captain: Good, `cause I’m hungry so I’m going on break.  (Trots off to the bridge lift, leaving no one in charge so everyone looks confusedly at each other)

(Hours later, the two repaired ships part ways)

Captain: (Back on the bridge, eating a candy bar; hits a few buttons on an arm of The Big Chair) Captain’s Log: The past few hours have been extremely annoying and I don’t want to talk about what happened and wind up reliving it, so I won’t.  [Crunch-Crunch] Oh yeah, one more thing: I’m writing up the entire crew for sass.  Even if they don’t to my face, I know they do behind my back.  [Crunch-Crunch] Blazes, these things are tedious – having me “Dear Diary” every five minutes when there’s an objective recorder in the background at all times is the definition of redundancy.  I mean, if the ship crash lands tomorrow, who cares what I thought about the whole thing?  No amount of self-reflection’s gonna unscramble that egg, know-what-I-mean?  [Crunch-Crunch] That’s about it – end log.  (Tosses the candy wrapper like a basketball into a nearby garbage bin) Yes!  Nothing but net.

Pilot: (Turns around in the chair) Captain, I know you never wanted to hear me speak again, but can I ask a question off the record?

Captain: (Opens another panel, grabs a pillow and blanket, reclines The Big Chair, and settles in for a nap) Like I just said if you were eavesdropping properly, the computer records everything like a spy so nothing’s ever off the record.

Pilot: Oh.

Captain: (Closes eyes) OK, what’s up?

Pilot: Well, you clearly don’t want to be out in space –

Captain: No kidding.

Pilot: – so… why did you join a space-exploring organization?  And bonus question: how did you ever get promoted to Captain?!

Captain: (Puts on a sleep mask and curls onto side) I had nothing better to do, and there was a shortage.  Now: continue flying us on our course to nowhere, and no one talk to me for the next six hours – I’ll be deep in multiple dream cycles, which are far more entertaining than this nonsense.

Story 474: Unexpected Series Cancellation

(On a soundstage representing an open field filled with fake flora, fake fauna, fake water, and a monorail, a television show’s cast and crew members move about purposefully in preparing for the scene they are about to film)

Cast Member 1: (To Makeup Artist applying touch-ups) I agree it adds to the mood and tension of a set piece, but when there’s that little ambient lighting for a night scene, then no one watching will be able to figure out what on Earth is going on, and all that mood and tension’ll mean absolutely nothing!

Makeup Artist: (Gives several final pats on the face with an applicator) Mm-hm – please stop talking.

Cast Member 1: Got it.

Cast Member 2: (Walks over to Cast Member 1 as Makeup Artist finishes and leaves) Hey – you ready for our scene later today or you want to go over it one more time?

Cast Member 1: Eh, I think we’ve prepped enough.  It’s gonna be a lot of yelling so I don’t want to wear out my vocal cords beforehand, know what I mean?

Cast Member 2: I guess.  Still think it might be more effective if you don’t yell.

Cast Member 1: And still agree to disagree.  Don’t yell all you want; I’m ramping it up all the notches.

Cast Member 2: You do you.  Kind of looking forward to it, actually: we’ve been building up to this all season, and I think the writers did a good job with our ultimate showdown.  Should be fun to finally act it out for reals.

Cast Member 1: And to watch.  I think the fans’ll be extremely satisfied the way this plays out – can’t wait to hear the buzz the day after it airs, that’s always a thrill.

Cast Member 2: When’ll that be do you think, six months from now?

Cast Member 1: Your guess is as good as mine with the way the network schedule’s been lately.  (Sighs while surveying the fake sunnily-lit scene) I still have to pinch myself every day that we get to do this for a living.

Cast Member 2: (Surveys the fake landscape as well) Definitely.  And the fans’ve been so supportive, and there’s been so much momentum with the show, for the first time in my career I can almost take a deep breath with the promise of job security.

Cast Member 1: Sweet.  (Showrunner enters the soundstage, surrounded by staff) Whelp, here comes the maestro to give us our monthly pep talk.

Cast Member 2: Hope it’s shorter than the last one; I almost forgot my lines for the day by the time it was over.

Showrunner: All right everybody, huddle up!  Got some news.

(Cast and crew members gather in a large circle)

Cast Member 3: (Mutters to Cast Member 4) Let me guess: we’re all fired.

Cast Member 4: (Laughs) Paranoia.

Cast Member 5: (To Showrunner) Are we getting out early today for the holiday?

Showrunner: Oh, today’s a holiday?

Cast Member 5: Yes, but clearly never mind about that.

Showrunner: Good, `cause it’s about to be ruined.  Just got the word from the studio that after the season finale airs on whenever date, that’s… well… no easy way to say this… I was told that that’s it.  As in, it.

(Stunned silence)

Cast Member 1: “It” being… the season finale?  We know that.

Cast Member 2: I think our leader’s trying to tell us that it’s going to be the series finale.

Cast Member 3: (To Cast Member 4) Called it.

Cast Member 4: (Eyes still wide with shock) That you did.

Cast Member 1: (Shakes head in disbelief) Wait a minute, are you saying that the show got cancelled?  Permanently?!

Showrunner: Yes.

Cast Member 1: …After one season?!

Showrunner: Shocking, I know.  But not unprecedented.

Cast Member 1: “Shocking”?!  It is MIND-BOGGLING.  We were voted the #1 Crime Procedural/Sci-Fi/Sit-Com/Western/Family Drama just last week!

Cast Member 2: And you know the fans really love the show, and even the critics are giving it good reviews – what happened?!

Showrunner: Well –

Cast Member 3: I’ll tell you what happened.  (Everyone turns to Cast Member 3, who starts counting off fingers) We got pre-empted too many times by live sports; the times we are on the air, the episodes get shuffled around so much that some storylines make no sense whatsoever; the studio didn’t know how to market a multi-genre series; and you – (Points to Showrunner) overplayed the long game.

Showrunner: Me?!  What’re you talking about: I fought tooth-and-nail every day to get this show the love it deserved!

Cast Member 3: You also wrote in too many storylines with too many characters and too many open-ended arcs that promise to pay off in five years but deep down we all know they never will!  We may have a core group of dedicated fans, but everyone else lost interest!

Showrunner: Nah-uh!  I perfected the magic formula to get people obsessed!

Cast Member 4: You’re certainly right about that: I’ve gotten the weirdest fan mail asking me if I secretly know where my true father is and why I’m hiding that from my friends on the show.  Do I?  Am I?

Showrunner: Yes and yes, but that was gonna be the big reveal in Season 3.

Cast Member 3: You see!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about – you planned so far ahead that you gave the audience nothing now.  You’re a big tease!

Showrunner: Am not!

Cast Member 3: Oh yeah?  (Gestures to Cast Member 1 and Cast Member 2) What about these two?

Showrunner: What about them?

Cast Member 2: Yes, why am I being dragged into this?

Cast Member 3: As far back as Episode – Freakin’ – 1 – scratch that, as far back as the Pilot – you started right out of the gate with the “will-they-won’t-they” shenanigans, and the only outcomes from doing that super-early are that they break up by the end of Season 2 because everyone’s tired of them, or it’s dragged out so long that they wind up never hooking up at all and one or both of them go off with someone else, and the fans hate it either way!

Cast Member 1: I would like to point out that while that angle may have been introduced a tad early in the series, I think the relationship is being developed tastefully and with mutual respect –

Cast Member 5: (Scrolling through a phone) It says here there were over 5,000 fanfiction stories shipping you two immediately after the Pilot aired.

Cast Member 1: Hm.  (To Cast Member 2) Guess I should’ve toned down the smoldering stares a bit.

Cast Member 2: I’ll say – after every episode airs I keep getting messages: “Why haven’t you two gotten together yet?”  “What are you waiting for?”  “Now kiss!”  “Stop denying you’re made for each other!”

Cast Member 1: Wow.  People sure are impatient.

Cast Member 2: I would be too if a couple with our regrettably intense chemistry got dangled in front of me at the outset, and then the brakes were applied almost immediately.  You gotta give the fans something to daydream about during their tedious work hours.

Cast Member 1: It’s called a SLOW BURN – if you rush it, you ruin it!

Cast Member 4: I thought the issue was it’s moving too fast?

Cast Member 5: I thought our show was about crime and sci-fi and family drama and all those other things; I didn’t think it was a romance.

Cast Member 2: Lotta people latched onto the one romance part.

Cast Member 1: Which is fine, in small doses!  We actually should’ve put the brakes on it even harder and not even held eye contact for longer than three seconds until at least the Season 2 premier!

Showrunner: Which is all a moot point since there now is no Season 2.

Cast Member 4: Aw, and you’d promised I was going to have my very own me-centric episode that had to get pushed back to next season since the studio cut down the number of episodes they’re airing `cause of all the live sports stuff.

Showrunner: Yeah, glad I never did get around to writing that ep.

Cast Member 4: What?!

Showrunner: Which reminds me: five of the episodes we actually did film are going to get cut, too.

Cast Members 1-5: WHAT?!

Showrunner: The only time slots they could give me for the rest of the season this year were after 2 a.m.  Maybe.  If the post-game recap ended early.

Cast Member 1: And whose bright idea was it to air our show after a game every single week?!

Showrunner: There’s some game on every single night, and we’re the newbie on the block so we get the expendable time slots.  Maybe by Season 5 we would’ve been eligible for prime time Sunday night.

Cast Members 1-5: (Stare into space in reverie) Prime time Sunday night….

Cast Member 2: Hold on – is one of the episodes that got cut the one where I did the stunt it took me three months to train for?

Showrunner: (Twitchily) Yes.

Cast Member 2: (Stares coldly at Showrunner) There are no words.

Cast Member 5: And another thing –

Showrunner: Arrrrggghhh, what?!

Cast Member 5: We’re still filming.  If our season finale is now our series finale, no storylines are wrapped up and the script left it on a cliffhanger.  Are you going to rewrite any of it?

Cast Member 1: (To self as eyes widen in horror) Oh no, more lines I’ve gotta memorize….

Showrunner: There’s no time to rewrite; we’re getting shut down as soon as we wrap.  (Waves arms around at the set) This whole soundstage’s getting taken over by a game show next week.

Cast Member 4: You mean they’re not even going to keep all this pretty fake nature around?  Don’t let the crew who built it find that out.

Crew Member 1: Too late, but we’re used to it.

Cast Member 1: Back up a moment – next week?  You scheduled us for another month to finish the two-parter!

Showrunner: Two-parter’s now a one-parter.

Cast Members 1-5: Ohhhhh....

Showrunner: Yeah: I’ve got no time to rewrite, yet I’m expected to chop, chop, chop it all up anyway!

Cast Member 2: So I’m guessing the emotional reunion with our long-lost comrade is one of the scenes on the chopping block.

Showrunner: Yep – I told that actor a little while ago not to bother coming back in; wasn’t happy that their final scene on the show is now being knocked unconscious like a wimp.

Cast Member 3: Don’t tell me the huge scene showing that my character’s had amnesia this whole time without knowing it is now, what, gone too?!

Showrunner: Yeah, that plotline seems rather pointless now.

Cast Member 4: Will we still get to film the big chase scene with all the cars and the trucks and the spaceships and the horses and… (Trails off as the other stare back) Answered my own question.

Cast Member 1: (To Showrunner) Bottom line: what’s the actual last scene to the series now?  Are we at least keeping the whole epic conclusion where we sail off into the supernova while singing “Happy Birthday”?

Showrunner: Our special effects budget was reallocated to the game show, so everything going forward has to be practical effects or reused footage.

Cast Member 1: We’ve been reduced to black box theater; I get it.

Cast Member 2: Speaking of theater, I think now’s the perfect time for me to return to Broadway – it seems that’s where I really belong after all.

Cast Member 1: Oh come on, everyone leaves Broadway to do TV and movies!  You only go back when you’re an actual star so the audience claps for your entrances and no one else’s!

Cast Member 2: Well at least I have something to fall back on – this was supposed to be your big break, and now the proverbial rug’s been proverbially pulled out from under your proverbial unprepared feet.

Cast Member 1: Don’t I know it!  (To Showrunner) Do you realize how many gigs I turned down because this show was supposed to be The One?!

Showrunner: You’re telling me!  This – (Waves arms around at the set again) was my show!  All of it, every last piece of fakery, was my baby!

Cast Member 1: Oh please: you’ve got five other shows and two movies going on as we speak!

Showrunner: Well….

Cast Member 1: (Gasps in horror) You probably wanted this one to fail, so you could concentrate on the others that’ll make more money, and meanwhile this show will be forever enshrined in “Cult Classic” status and everyone will feel sorry for you for how it all went down – DIABOLICAL!

Crew Member 2: Excuse me – (The others turn to listen) if we’re not actually going to work today, can we call it quits and start prepping for the game show?

Showrunner: No-no, everyone’s still working on this show until the bitter end; we owe it to the fans if nothing else!  And all your contracts say so.

Others: Aw, yeah, right, union, guild….

Showrunner: So!  Much shorter scripts will be sent to you this afternoon; get your belongings out of your cubby holes before next Friday; let’s finish this beautiful thing we created together on the highest note that will resound throughout the halls of classic TV-dom forever; don’t let the fans down!  (Exits the soundstage, surrounded by staff)

Cast Member 1: (To Cast Members 2-5) I don’t know about you, but whatever character motivation I had is all gone now.

Cast Member 2: Same.  I think the wind’s been taken out of our sails for that scene we’re maybe doing later: it’ll be hard to get all emotional about characters whose arcs got cut extremely short.

Cast Member 5: Well, it was fun while it lasted, right?

Cast Member 3: Yeah, I did have a blast even knowing the whole time we’d never make it past Season 1.  I’m honestly surprised we made it past Episode 1.

Cast Member 4: You think the fans’ll still like the show in 20-something years as much as they do now?

Cast Member 1: I think so.  The only good thing to come out of all this is that it got cancelled before it got bad.