Story 549: How to Get the Vacation You Want

            (In a break room, Director and Second Assistant Director are sprawled out on opposite ends of a couch, each reading and marking up copies of the same script)

Director: (Abruptly lowers the script) I really want to go to Fiji this year.

Second Unit Director: (Not looking up) Why?

Director: Because that’s where everyone says they want to go on vacation, so I wanna go there, too.

Second Unit Director: I’d actually rather go somewhere cold, like Reykjavík.

Director: You’re a weirdo anyway – fact is, I really wanna go on vacation somewhere that I can pretend is in its own bubble of paradise for at least four days and three nights, but I’m working back-to-back projects all the time that I can never do anything fun anymore.

Second Unit Director: Well, that pretty much comes with the territory when you advance through the filmmaking ranks to become “The Director”.

Director: Doesn’t mean I have to like it!  (There is a knock on the door) What?!

Production Assistant: (Opens the door and sticks head into the room) Boss?  DP wants to do another take of Scene 317 in five.

Director: (Coolly) You can tell “DP” that just because the word “Director” is in the title it does not mean that dictates can be made to the entire company, and also that the other word “Photography” is the one that should be minded instead!

Production Assistant: Says we’re gonna lose the light coming in from the windows in less than an hour.

Director: Oh, the light, the light!  Fine, I’ll be right out.

Production Assistant: Thanks, Boss.  (Ducks out)

Director: (To Second Unit Director) You see what I mean?  Even my work time is taken away from me for other people’s work time – (Shakes the script in emphasis) I can’t even concentrate on blocking scenes because “we’re gonna lose the light!”  (Flings away the script dramatically and flings self back onto the couch, also dramatically)

Second Unit Director: (Flips through pages of the script thoughtfully, stopping at a point) You know, those scenes that take place during the war probably need to be filmed on location.

Director: (Holds head in aggravation) Ugh, don’t remind me!  I’ve squeezed as much of the budget as I could on special effects so we could film on the soundstage, but I just know no one’s gonna buy the war bits unless they’re legitimately outdoors.  How’m I gonna transport thousands of cast, crew, and equipment on a literal shoestring?!

Second Unit Director: I dunno, but however you manage it, it probably could be filmed in Fiji.

Director: (Head pops up) Eh?

Second Unit Director: Or somewhere similarly tropical, where they don’t mind us messing up the place as long as we clean up afterward.

Director: I don’t follow: even in a new location, I’d still be overworked and undervacationed.

Second Unit Director: It’s basically a busman’s holiday: you’re working, but you’re really on vacation.  Or, you’re on vacation, but you’re really working – depends on what mood you’re in is how you’d feel about the whole thing, I suppose.

Director: (Stares off into the distance while performing mental calculations) Five days of filming… downtime for scene changes… no night shoots needed so free time then… build in two days for inevitable travel delays… this might actually work.

Second Unit Director: Of course it will: it won’t be a stress-free holiday, sure, but you’ll get your tropical paradise getaway in 10-15 minute increments, at least.

Director: (Looks back at Second Unit Director) This is the answer to everything – you’re an absolute GENIUS!

Second Unit Director: Darn tootin’ – does that mean you’ll finally promote me from Second Unit Director to First Assistant Director?

Director: I’ll certainly think about it!  (Leaps off the couch with the script and runs to the door, then turns back) Hold on – shouldn’t you be off filming the background shots for the auditorium scene?

Second Unit Director: Already did it: your current First A.D. is the one who’s missing deadlines.

Director: (Cringes) Oh – right – I should get on that.  (Runs out of the break room to the main sound stage where a large crowd is gathered) All right, everyone, listen up!  (The crowd turns to face Director) I don’t know how, I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but pack your bags because sooner rather than later we are filming Scenes 551-578 on location!

Cast and Crew: Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!... Ohhhhhh….

Director: What?

Director of Photography: What location, exactly?

Director: Someplace Fiji-like – I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but that’s the First A.D.’s job anyway.

First Assistant Director: (Stops biting nails on hearing title) Huh?

Director: So anyway, all you all need to know is, this is happening.

Director of Photography: But the light –

Director: THIS IS HAPPENING!

THREE-AND-A-HALF WEEKS LATER

(On a tropical island’s beach in the early morning, Director stands barefoot in the gently lapping surf while staring at the calm ocean)

Director: Ahhhhh… paradise at last.  (Closes eyes, breathes in the sea air and exhales it fully, turns around to face the beach, and whips out a megaphone) All right, everyone, let’s pick up the pace here, I want to start filming in 10!  (Walks back onto the beach that has been taken over by the film’s cast, crew, and equipment)

Stunt Coordinator: (Jogs up to Director) You want us to run through the combat choreography between takes today, Boss?

Director: If you like, but only if you feel it’s necessary – just make sure your team’s relaxed and pampered.

Stunt Coordinator: Boss?

Director: I mean, limber and pepped up!

Stunt Coordinator: Got it.  (Jogs away)

Actor: (Jogs up to Director) Boss, I hate to be a stick in the mud, but the Sun and sand here are really doing a number on my skin.

Director: (Distractedly while picking up and examining a huge seashell) Oh?  How so?

Actor: I’m all puffy and peeling everywhere, and the combination is exponentially worse than either one of them would have been on its own.

Director: (Tosses away the seashell) Well, that’s what Makeup Department’s for – (Finally faces Actor and double-takes) Whoa!  Yeah, that is pretty bad.  (Starts looking around the beach and whips out the megaphone again) Makeup!  Would someone from Makeup get over here please and fix this disaster!  We’re starting in eight!

Production Assistant: (Jogs up to Director as Actor is taken away by someone from Makeup, and holds out a satellite phone) Boss, someone from some parasailing company said they wanted to speak with you – think it might be a scam?

Director: Ooh, no, I’ll take it, thanks.  (Takes the phone and talks while walking through the beach checking on equipment and people) Hi, thanks for calling me back – listen, my main question for you is, what’s the exact weight limit on those things, hm?... Well, I’m gonna have a heavy-duty film camera, two phones, and a boom mic in addition to… my average human weight…. I know you offer video packages, but I’m doing this for something less amateur, and I’m not supposed to be in the shot anyway…. No, please be very emphatic that they do not dunk me in the ocean at the end; do you want to see a grown adult bawl like a baby after damaging thousands of dollars’ worth of equipment?!

Former Second Unit Director, Now First Assistant Director: (Jogs up to Director) Hey, Boss?

Director: (To the phone) We’ll finalize the details later – tell the boat captain I want at least a solid hour up in the air, OK-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call and turns to First Assistant Director): Yep?

First Assistant Director: We’re ready to start filming but the gentle breeze has been whipping up the sand and it’s gunking up the equipment.

Director: So just shake it all out!

First Assistant Director: It’s not exactly that simple….

Production Assistant: (After listening to another crew member) Boss, we’ve got some rogue crabs wandering onto the set, and we’re not sure how to shoo them off without crushing them or getting our toes pinched.

Director: Gimme a minute.  (Turns to the ocean and raises both arms straight up)

First Assistant Director: What are you doing?!

Director: Mountain pose; AKA: Tadasana.  I had to cut my yoga session short this morning so I’m trying to finish it up now.  (Flattens down to the ground, then rises up to cobra pose) Should be done in about 15 minutes.  (Inhales loudly)

First Assistant Director: We’re filming in two!

Director: (Exhales loudly) Right.  Forgot.  (Jumps back up and whips out the megaphone again) Places, everyone!  Let’s make some movie magic!

Production Assistant: But what about the crabs?!

Director: (Lowering the megaphone) Dig a trench or something around the set – that should make them think twice about trespassing, I’ll bet. 

(First Assistant Director and Production Assistant jog back into the fray while shaking their heads in exasperation and passing Resort Employee who is being escorted by a security guard)

Resort Employee: (Approaches Director while holding out a tray with a drink that has a mini-umbrella sticking out of it) Your non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri?

Director: Ah yes, perfect timing.  (Takes the drink while handing Resort Employee a tip) Keep `em coming, will you please?

Resort Employee: (Deftly pocketing the tip) Gladly.  (Leaves with the security guard)

Director: (Facing the main part of the outdoor set while speaking into the megaphone again) Aaaaand… action!  (Sets down the megaphone and lounges in a beach chair placed in front of a bank of monitors while the scene commences, leaning back to take a nap) Yes indeedy, I sure could get used to filming on location, all – the – time.

Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 547: So Many Parties, So Little Time

            (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, what’s up?  Shouldn’t you be working right now, like I’m supposed to be?

Sibling 2: I am, but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a cubicle wall or something.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, know the feeling.  It’s quite liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –

Sibling 2: Yeah, I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I were one of them….

Sibling 1: Groovy.

Sibling 2: (Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.

Sibling 1: Which barbecue on Saturday?

Sibling 2: (Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last month?  You said you’d bring the shrimp ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.

Sibling 1: Oh, you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.

Sibling 2: Second cousins – ?  Oh, well, no, we’re not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in the family tree and distance.

Sibling 1: Well, maybe you’re not going….

Sibling 2: But you’re already going to this one.

Sibling 1: One can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?

Sibling 2: I guess, but why?

Sibling 1: Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or pool.

Sibling 2: Of course you don’t.

Sibling 1: So, while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for when I come back later.

Sibling 2: Oh, so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?

Sibling 1: Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”

Sibling 2: An hour?

Sibling 1: That barely covers chips and dip!

Sibling 2: OK, how long do you need the spot for, then?

Sibling1: Hm, I’d say a good six hours.

Sibling 2: What?!  The second cousins’ second party isn’t that far away!

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to make cameo appearances in.

Sibling 2: (Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!

Sibling 1: Yeah – or is it 10?  No, nine; I’m losing track.  So, 11 total on Saturday – one that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight – and then back to work on Monday, yippee!  I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?

Sibling 2: (Flat tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.

Sibling 1: Yep!  Normally I’d just visit each one once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.

Sibling 2: OK, there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!

Sibling 1: Oh, you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions, retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party – supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.  There’s no way one person can attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not – it’s physically impossible.

Sibling 1: You’d think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work like a charm.  Speaking of which, along with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a little after 6:05 p.m., please?

Sibling 2: Hold on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?

Sibling 1: Yeah, I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower or a piece of cake from the wedding?  You’ll have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all weekend.

Sibling 2: Wait, wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to get home then?!

Sibling 1: The train.  Oh right – I’ll give you money for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.

Sibling 2: Why don’t you just take the train back to your car?!

Sibling 1: Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party, and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge.  So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there, not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25 hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.

Sibling 2: I’m just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.

Sibling 1: There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.

SATURDAY: PARTY #3

(At the first cousins’ backyard barbecue)

Sibling 1: (Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!

Relatives: (Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Cousin: (Rushes over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy.  (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)

Grandpa: FI – NALLY!  (Dives in)

(Sibling 2 strolls over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)

Sibling 2: Glad you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this one.

Sibling 1: (Sees the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!!  (Kicks off shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing everyone inside and out)

Sibling 2: (Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable.  (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?

Sibling 1: (After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What?  Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks.  I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.

Sibling 2: So how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?

Sibling 1: I dunno; park sideways?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?  In this heat?

Sibling 1: You’re telling me!  The shrimp and I nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was sweating like a storm cloud!  (Nearby kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away) Oh, like you showered before you came in here!  That’s what I thought.

Sibling 2: I got a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody.  Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.

Sibling 1: But you promised!

Sibling 2: Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something closer.  Maybe even right next to my car.  (Turns to walk back to the tables and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!

Sibling 1: Oh I will, oathbreaker!  (Sibling 2 waves backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water) Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….

SATURDAY – SUNDAY: PARTY #11

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?

Partygoer: (Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.  (Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that would’ve been “a bit much”.  Best we can hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.

Sibling 1: Ah yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: I’ll say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.

SUNDAY: PARTY #18

(In a banquet hall)

Sibling 1: (In a business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life!  (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t stop.  (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to the other guests) Excuse me.  (Turns away from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?

Sibling 2: (Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?

Sibling 1: Graduation #2, actually – everything OK?

Sibling 2: No, not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised –

Sibling 1: Aw, you’re the best!

Sibling 2: Hm.  So, I’m at the train station, and wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll show up?

Sibling 2: I don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Chews for a bit) Oh.  So you’re stuck there, huh?  That’s too bad.

Sibling 2: Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.

Sibling 1: Oh, that’s great!

Sibling 2: …It’s your car.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Right.  I need that.

Sibling 2: So, here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be carousing now, and we both go home.  Now.

Sibling 1: Hang on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to tonight!  (Eyebrows rise in realization) You could drive me to them…?

Sibling 2: No.

Sibling 1: C’mon, it’ll be fun!  You don’t even have to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll have a blast!  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!

Sibling 2: There are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in the mood for yet.

Sibling 1: Nerd.  Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos are one-night only!  And the people running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go to waste!

Sibling 2: (Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?

Sibling 1: Yes!  Next one’s a retirement after 60 years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!

Sibling 2: All right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?

Sibling 1: Absolutely!  But you won’t want to go home at that point, I guarantee it!

Sibling 2: Yeah, OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.  (Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)

Sibling 1: Yessss!!!!  (Texts the banquet hall’s address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring back in anticipation) My ride.

Guests: Ah.  (They all return to eating)

SUNDAY: PARTY #19

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)

Sibling 2: This is the retirement party?!

Sibling 1: I know, right?!  Best Vice President of Sales ever, woooooo!!!  (Raises arms and joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)

SUNDAY – MONDAY: PARTY #21

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to Sibling 2) Mead?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!

Sibling 1: …Oh yeah.  (Shrugs, then tries to drink out of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.

Sibling 2: (Shakes head) You’re hopeless.  So, what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?  (Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)

Sibling 1: (Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Sibling 2: Ah, I get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: (Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said last night!

Sibling 1: I sure did!  (To Sibling 2) See?  I can nerd with the best of them.

Sibling 2: (Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.  (They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.

Sibling 1: My pleasure.  (Tries to drink from both tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.

Sibling 2: So how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes to a good time.

Sibling 2: Clearly.  (A bright lights appears in the middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!

(A person who looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead) It’s Puck!  He’s actually here – this is AWESOME!

Puck: (Spreads arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started, my midsummer night’s dreams!  (Whips out a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were doing)

Sibling 2: (Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night of my life.

Sibling 1: (Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together more often!

Story 546: 4th of July: The Excuse to Make Things Go Boom

            (On a highway, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)

Friend 2: (After almost a minute of companionable silence) So, I heard this diner has been getting good reviews, but I must say that unless stuff is burned to a crisp or over-salted, all restaurant food tastes pretty much the same to me.

Friend 1: (Head on a swivel while scanning the sides of the road) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Looks over at Friend 1) I mean, the meal has to be absolute garbage for me to never eat there again; otherwise, food is food, know-what-I-mean?

Friend 1: (Still scanning) Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: (Narrows eyes at Friend 1) I actually do eat garbage on a regular basis, did you know that?

Friend 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Friend 2: Got ya!  You’re not paying attention to a word I’m saying.

Friend 1: (Glances over at Friend 2) Sure I am!

Friend 2: Then what’d I say just now?

Friend 1: (Stares straight ahead) …You said... that… you’re garbage.

Friend 2: Seriously?!  Why would anyone ever say that about themselves?

Friend 1: I dunno, maybe if one was feeling down and just needed someone to listen.

Friend 2: Which you’re clearly not doing!

Friend 1: Point taken.

Friend 2: (Starts scanning the sides of the road as well) It’s obvious you’re looking for something, so tell me what it is and maybe I can help you find it.

Friend 1: I’d… rather not.

Friend 2: Why not?

Friend 1: Because you won’t approve.

Friend 2: Probably, but since when has that ever stopped you?

Friend 1: True, but I also didn’t want you to hear your… you know….

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: Judgey tone.

Friend 2: You’re impossible.  (Looks out the window) Is it something illegal, then?

Friend 1: …Not anymore.

Friend 2: (Widens eyes in realization) Oh no, you’re not looking for –

Friend 1: THERE IT IS!  (Swerves into the right shoulder with no signal and slams on the brakes as passing cars blare their horns)

Friend 2: (Waves ruefully at the cars, looks out the window, and sees a large tent surrounded by colorful signs and banners as Friend 1 dashes out the driver’s side door and loops around to the passenger’s side) Don’t tell me you’re actually buying fireworks?!

Friend 1: (Eyes shift back-and-forth quickly) OK, I won’t tell you.

Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.

Friend 1: By the way – got any cash on you?

Friend 2: (Glares at Friend 1) I am not giving you money to get something that’ll blow off a body part more likely than not.

Friend 1: (Squints to read a sign) Oh, never mind – it’s cashless anyway.  (Starts to leave)

Friend 2: (Momentarily grabs Friend 1’s hand) Hold on: don’t you remember what happened in high school?

Friend 1: Lots happened in high school – you’re going to have to be more specific.

Friend 2: Roman candle?  Football field?  Fire departments from five different towns?

Friend 1: (Face clears in remembrance) Oh yeah – that was a great night; too bad about the fines and the suspension and almost not graduating and whatnot.

Friend 2: You got all that because you could’ve really hurt somebody, including yourself!  Or burned the place down!

Friend 1: But I didn’t.

Friend 2: But you could’ve, `cause you didn’t know what you were doing!

Friend 1: All right, fine, maybe at the time I was a stupid kid with a brief phase of wannabe pyromania, but I’m so much more mature now.

Friend 2: (Eyebrows go up through hairline) HA!

Friend 1: You’ll see: I know safety precautions now and everything.

Friend 2: Oh really?  Since when?

Friend 1: Since I watched a video about it recently and now know all there is to know and everything’ll go perfectly this time – bye!  (Trots over to the tent)

Friend 2: (Props an elbow on the car door and leans on one hand) Oh, help.

(After a few minutes, Friend 1 is seen exiting the tent with an armful of various fireworks, dropping them onto the ground, whipping out a candle lighter, and attempting to light a sparkler)

Employee: (Running out of the tent, waving arms wildly, and shaking head) No-no-no, not here, it’ll look like a battle scene if you set all the others off!  (Points to a sign that reads “DO NOT SET OFF FIREWORKS WITHIN 100 FEET OF THIS STAND OR YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW”)

Friend 1: (Still holding the lit lighter and unlit sparkler) Then how do I test that they’re not defective?

Employee: On someone else’s property!

Friend 1: (With a put-upon sigh, shuts off the lighter, gathers up the fireworks, and dumps them into the car’s trunk as Employee watches intently and then returns to the tent; grumbling all the way back into the driver’s seat and slamming the door) – a way to rip off customers, what a racket, let me tell you.

Friend 2: I’m sure they gave you quality colorful ordnances – can we go to lunch now?

Friend 1: Oh right; forgot about that.

4TH OF JULY

(In Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 1: (On a small dais surrounded by fireworks) On this, our nation’s birthday, we celebrate the hard-won freedoms that our ancestors, direct or honorary, fought so long and mightily for, with explosive-powder-filled tubes that burst into pretty colors and shapes and go boom to simulate what being in an actual battle surrounded by actual loss of life and limb must’ve felt like.

Friend 2: (Standing off to the side and holding a glass of strong liquid) I can’t believe I agreed to you using my driveway for this.

Friend 1: You said the parking lot of my apartment building was too crowded and someone who was not me would’ve gotten hurt.

Friend 2: I know what I said – I can’t believe it, that’s all.

Friend 1: Token protest acknowledged; it’s your constitutional right.  (Friend 2 takes a swig from the glass as Friend 1 raises the candle lighter) Behold!  The birth of freedom!  (Lights one of the fireworks on the ground and jumps off the dais; the ground spinner immediately whirls around chaotically and skitters to a stop on the lawn)  Oops.

Friend 2: Called it.  (Lifts up a hose that was in the non-drink-holding hand and drowns the firework)

Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2 on the shoulder once the danger has passed) Good work.

Friend 2: (Turns off the hose and stares at Friend 1) You will gather all the remains, along with their fellows, dump them into this bin – (Toes over a bin that was sitting on the driveway) for the night, and bring them all to the fire station for proper disposal in the morning.  You also will check this spot – (Gestures with the hose) every hour on the hour until I am satisfied that nothing is smoldering and the entire neighborhood will not burn down in your misguided attempt at pretend patriotism.  In the meantime, we will go inside and watch an actual fireworks show by actual professionals broadcast safely for television while listening to actual patriotic speeches, and get some history and culture and military appreciation while we’re at it.  Understood?

Friend 1: (Holding head high to retain some dignity) I suppose, in the name of freedom –

Friend 2: Oh, save it: you just want an excuse to make things go boom.

Friend 1: It’s definitely a side benefit.

Story 545: Compartmentalization During an Eye Exam

             (In an ophthalmologist’s office, Tech brings Patient to one of the exam rooms)

Tech: (Holding the Patient’s chart, gestures to the big recliner for the Patient to sit) Any changes with your health since your last visit… (Checks the chart) almost 10 years ago?

Patient: (Settles back in the recliner) Yeah, I’m really bad with stuff like that.

Tech: We don’t judge – out loud.  So, any changes?

Patient: (Thinks) Well, I was at this outdoor event last week where it must’ve been over 100° in the shade, and somebody must’ve let their pet horse loose or something because at one point my eyes got so red and itchy and watery like you wouldn’t believe; might’ve been hay or something got in the air during the joust – I mean, during the intense, intense horse race that I had a lot of money riding on.

Tech: (Staring at Patient) …So, no changes.

Patient: (Looks down in shame) No.

Tech: (Writes a note on the chart and sets it on a nearby counter) The Doctor’ll be in shortly, then.  (Leaves immediately, with the exam room door left ajar)

Patient: (Leans over to the chart) I shouldn’t… but I do have a legal right to my own medical records…. (Shakes head) Nah – I’ll play with the space alien contraption instead.  (Swings over the phoropter, mushes face up against it, and starts fiddling with the lenses) Woooooo….

Doctor: (Voice heard down the hall on exiting a nearby exam room) …awful this weekend; I swear, if I have to put up with their garbage another second, I’m gonna lose it for real this time.

Tech: (Voice heard down the hall) When’s the next time you have to see them?

Doctor: About a year, but they keep calling in the meantime and I can’t ignore that.

Tech: Why not?

Doctor: Because the phone’ll keep ringing and I can’t stand it.  I can only hang up on that so many times.

Tech: So block them.

Doctor: You can’t block family!  By the way, bring in the next appointment to Room 4, please – it’s barely 8:00 in the morning and we’re already two hours behind.

Tech: Yes, Doctor.

(A ringtone is heard)

Doctor: Argh, speaking of, here they are again!  I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t take it!... Hi, yes, GO AWAY!  (Breezes into the exam room while shoving a cell phone into a scrubs pocket; Patient is sitting demurely in the recliner, hands folded in lap) Hello there!  Any changes since your last visit in…. (Walks over to the counter and starts reading through the chart)

Patient: Nope; no changes!

Doctor: Great!  (Sits on a stool at the counter and starts entering volumes of notes onto the chart; after a few minutes of standard questions) Let’s check the ol’ vision, shall we?  (Scoots over to the recliner, swings over the phoropter, and wipes it with a disinfectant cloth) Press your face up against this, please.  (Patient does so as Doctor fiddles with the lenses) Hmmm, someone’s been messing around with the lenses again….

Patient: (With upper face mushed up against the metal mask and mouth exposed at the bottom) Heh-heh, can’t trust anybody nowadays, can you.

Doctor: Hm.  (Finishes fiddling, then lowers a mini-eye chart that is attached to the device) All right, which is worse, one – (Flips lenses) or two?

Patient: Ummmm… one?  No, two!

Doctor: Trick question: they’re exactly the same.

Patient: Oh.  Oops.

            (A ringtone is heard from Doctor’s scrubs)

Doctor: (Sighs quietly in disgust) Excuse me one second, would you?

Patient: Uhhhh, sure.

Doctor: Thanks.  (Takes out the phone and forcefully swipes while hissing) Take that, demon!  (Returns the phone to the scrubs pocket) Sorry about that – now, the real test begins, I promise.  (Does a few more checks, then swings back the phoropter and places drops in Patient’s eyes) OK, your eyes are now numb so hold still while I poke them to check the pressure.

Patient: Huh?

Doctor: Relax, it’s testing for glaucoma – you won’t feel a thing, just ignore every natural instinct to protect your eyes from danger and you’ll be fine.  (Swings over a tonometer, wipes it down, and gestures for Patient to lean forward while a device with a blue light shines in Patient’s eyes and Doctor also leans forward from the other side) Now – DON’T MOVE.

Patient: (Head is immobilized by forehead and chin rests on the device) <Gulp>

Tech: (Raps once on the door) Sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but multiple phone calls have come in on the office line for you and we can’t get a thing done out there.

Doctor: (Still leaning forward and staring into Patient’s eyes) And you told them that patients’ very important vision is at stake here, yes?

Tech: Yes – they didn’t care.

Doctor: …I’ll take it in here.  (Tech leaves; to Patient) Bear with me, please.  (Leans toward the counter to pick up a desk phone’s receiver and immediately returns to the tonometer, continuing the glaucoma test) WHAT?!  (To Patient) Keep your eyes open, please.  (Moves the blue light device to the other eye as a loud, unintelligible voice is heard over the phone; to the phone) Any time you call is inconvenient!

Patient: Um, I can wait a few minutes while you –

Doctor: (To Patient) Absolutely not: the patient is always the top priority.  (Swings away the tonometer) And we’re done with this part; follow me, please.  (With the phone cord stretching down the hallway, leads Patient to a room that has a retinal imager on a table; the two sit on opposite sides; to the phone while wiping down the chin rest on Patient’s side) Listen, I don’t care what you think you heard, we are not going through this again – (To Patient) Lean forward, please – (To the phone) You tell them that their behavior is completely unacceptable and I don’t care if they never speak to me again; in fact, I’d rather they didn’t!  (To Patient) Stare at the giant dot on the screen and whatever you do, DO NOT BLINK.  (To the phone) Yes, I’m listening, unfortunately!  (To Patient) Hold still, please – you’ll see a blinding light in a few seconds.  (To the phone) No, I wasn’t talking to you just then; not everything’s all about you, you know!

Patient: (Blinks as light flashes into one eye) Oh sorry; I blinked.

Doctor: It happens; we’ll take another one.  (To the phone) What, I can’t be civil and decent to a patient?!... No, this isn’t a HIPAA violation; I haven’t disclosed any patient identifiers that you’d be able to figure out!  You’ve got some nerve, you know that?!  (To Patient) Try not to blink now, here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  (To the phone) I’m taking retinal images, nosy!  You literally just said – !  (To Patient as the machine slides slightly along the table) Same thing; stare at the big dot; try not to blink – (To the phone) It checks for wear and tear in the eye, if you must know; want me to use it on you?!  (To Patient) Here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  You can lean back now.  (Types on a keyboard to display the images on a large screen; to the phone) Yeah, well maybe if you’d had me examine your eyes years ago, you wouldn’t be complaining how fuzzy the world keeps getting, ever think of that?!  (To Patient) Everything looks great – I’ll send over someone to give you a field test but other than that, see you next year.  (To the phone while standing) You’re so rude – I can’t believe we’re related by blood!  (Leaves)

(Patient remains seated for a few moments in uncertainty, then stands when Tech enters)

Tech: All done?  I was told you just need a field test?

Patient: Yeah, that should wrap it up – I get to keep my vision for another year I guess, heh-heh-heh.

Tech: Oh yeah, heh-heh – this way, please.

(They both walk down the hall to another room with another machine, passing an exam room with the phone cord trailing out and Doctor’s voice alternating in intensity)

Patient: (Gestures to the room) Family drama, eh?

Tech: Huh?  Oh, yeah – happens every birthday; we barely even notice anymore.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 543: Trying to Call Out From Work on Father’s Day

             (On the phone)

Manager: Hi – what’s up?

Employee: Hi, yes, you’re never gonna believe this –

Manager: I bet I won’t.

Employee: –  but I would like to call out from work today, please.

Manager: Today is Father’s Day.

Employee: Yes, yes it is.

Manager: It’s the second biggest sales day for us after Christmas Eve.

Employee: I thought last time you said Mother’s Day was the second biggest sales day?

Manager: Turns out I was mistaken.  I’m big enough to admit I’m wrong when I’m caught.

Employee: Good on you.  Anyways, just letting you know, I’m taking today off.

Manager: No you’re not: you’re scheduled on alternating hours covering the front register and customer service desk to handle all the last-minute panicking guilt-ridden adult children.

Employee: I thought you might say that, so I counter that offer with my willingness to work on Labor Day instead, even though its very existence implies that I shouldn’t have to by law.

Manager: It’s not an offer; it’s the non-negotiable schedule that’s been up for weeks – don’t tell me you forgot to request off super-early again like you did for Mother’s Day?

Employee: …OK, I won’t tell you.

Manager: You’re a real piece of work.  And no one else can switch with you for today, is that it?

Employee: Would you believe me if I told you I forgot to ask anyone until this morning?

Manager: Yes.

Employee: Well, there’s your answer.

Manager: Then I’m not too sorry to say there’ll be no last-minute saves with shift-switching today like we were able to pull off last time, so you’re stuck working most of the afternoon and all night.  I pity your dad, you know: there’s no way you’re calling out today unless you send over a doctor’s note that you’re violently ill within the next 20 minutes.

Employee: A doctor’s note, eh?  <COUGH-COUGH>

Manager: And don’t think I won’t be able to tell if it’s something you just whipped up on your home computer.

Employee: Oh.  I retract those coughs, then.

Manager: So you’re still coming in today, yes?

Employee: (Sighs) Unfortunately, although it pains my very soul to do so, yes I’m still coming in today.  I just will have to tearfully explain to my beloved father that his beloved child has been forced by a cruel manager and the unfeeling forces of capitalism to spend precious hours serving idle consumerists instead of showing my appreciation of him being the World’s #1 Dad, that’s all.

Manager: Wonderful.  I probably shouldn’t be telling you this, but if it’s any consolation he can commiserate with my father on what awful children they have.

Employee: How so?

Manager: I lost track of the Sundays in June and wound up scheduling myself today, too.