Story 563: Post-Halloween Letdown

            (In line outside a building)

Friend 1: <Sigh> (Side-eyes Friend 2, who is studiously ignoring the former) <Siiiiiigggghhhh>…. <SIIIIIIGGGHHHH>

Friend 2: (Finally turns to Friend 1) Is this your passive-aggressive way of getting me to ask “What’s wrong?”

Friend 1: Yes.

Friend 2: Thought so.  (Goes back to staring at traffic passing by)

Friend 1: You’re no fun – I can’t just complain without any prompting.

Friend 2: Never stopped you before.

Friend 1: True, but I’m trying to give you some semblance of conversational control.

Friend 2: How thoughtful.

Friend 1: …Well?         

Friend 2: (Slowly turns back to Friend 1 with an exasperated look) Oh no, whatever is the matter?  Please rant about it for 10 minutes with ultimately no resolution.

Friend 1: There’s no need for sarcasm.

Friend 2: Sure there is.  So, spit it out – what’s wrong?

Friend 1: Oh, I don’t know –

Friend 2: Ugh.

Friend 1: No-no, that was just my introduction; ahem: Oh, I don’t know, I guess the whole post-Halloween letdown is getting to me, that’s all.

Friend 2: (Slowly blinks) What.

Friend 1: You know how it is: you gear up all October for Halloween, trying to get in the spirit of things, decorate indoors and out, dress up, watch scary movies, go to scary farms, eat all the candy, and then November 1 hits and BAM!

Friend 2: All Saints’ Day?

Friend 1: No!

Friend 2: Día de los Muertos?

Friend 1: No – wait, I actually should start celebrating that one, it looks pretty cool.

Friend 2: It’s a cultural celebration of people’s ancestors and you’d have no point of reference or understanding of its significance to truly appreciate it.

Friend 1: Food’s pretty good though, right?

Friend 2: Whatever: November 1 hits and what?

Friend 1: Oh, right: November 1, and all the fun’s over.  The decorations are now pitiful remnants of good times, the costumes get tucked away to be forgotten for another year, the scary farms are regular old farms again, the movies and the candy are good year-round but just don’t hit the same off-season – in short: blah.

Friend 2: We got Thanksgiving coming up before you know it.

Friend 1: Nobody cares about Thanksgiving!

Friend 2: Rude.

Friend 1: You know what I mean: pre-Halloween build-up is fun excitement, and post-Halloween is dreary letdown.  I also didn’t get to do much this year, no trick-or-treaters stopped by even to toilet paper my apartment building, and I went through all the Frankenstein movies for the first time ever with more of an appreciation for 30s and 40s filmmaking than actually being scared.

Friend 2: Wait, how many Frankenstein movies were there?  I thought it was just the one.

Friend 1: (Scoffs) Amateur: (Counts on fingers) not counting remakes, there’s also Bride of, Son of, Ghost of, House of –

Friend 2: OK, forget I asked.

Friend 1: I will.

Friend 2: So, if you’re all bummed out that Halloween’s over, maybe keep up the decorations for a few more weeks and dress like a zombie or a clown when you go to work or something.

Friend 1: (Stares off into the middle distance) I already tried all that.  The thrill is gone, and I got written up.

Friend 2: Well, I’m sorry to hear you’re upset with the onward passage of time, again: hold on for another 11 months and I’m certain the thrill will return once more.

Friend 1: That’s all I have to look forward to, I suppose.  (They both advance one spot in the line) Spending a lovely Saturday morning on a never-ending queue sure isn’t helping my mood.

Friend 2: I’ll say.  So much for early voting – by the time we get to the head of the line, it’ll be Election Day.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 313: The Haunted Hay Ride Will Not Be Cancelled Due to Rain

            Friend 1: (Answering phone) What’s up?

            Friend 2: (On phone) Yeah, I think we need to cancel for Sunday.

            Friend 1: What for?  You got the flu or something?

           Friend 2: What?  No – have you even checked the weather for this weekend?  I’m not doing a haunted hay ride in the pouring rain.

            Friend 1: The weather lies.

            Friend 2: I doubt the farm’ll even be open that day anyway.

           Friend 1: Are you kidding?  The last Sunday before Halloween?  This is their bread n` butter!  Besides, since this is the last Sunday before Halloween and I spent the last three weekends working double shifts, we are doing this, end of story.

            Friend 2: But the weather –

            Friend 1: THE WEATHER LIES!

THAT SUNDAY AFTERNOON

            (At a local farm, Friends 1 and 2 stand on a very short line for the haunted hay ride in the pouring rain)

            Friend 2: I can’t believe they stayed open.  I can’t believe there’s even a line right now.

           Friend 1: I can’t believe tickets for this thing are over $10 and I clocked this last bunch coming in at under 10 minutes.

            Friend 2: Maybe they all drowned.

        (The farm tractor hauling a covered trailer of hay bales pulls up, discharges five customers, and idles while the next group with Friends 1 and 2 climb aboard)

          Friend 1: Ooh, we should sit towards the back so we’ll be right near where the creepy creatures barge right on in!

            Friend 2: (Plops down onto a squishy hay bale) Must we?

           (The tractor sputters into motion)

           Werewolf Driver: (Shouting back to the passengers over the engine and the deluge) Stay inside at all times, don’t touch the actors, and have a spooky good time!

            Passengers: WHAT?

            Werewolf Driver: I SAID HAVE FUN, DAMMIT!

         (They wind through fields and forests with hanging figures, artfully arranged scenes of carnage, and witty tombstones scattered throughout, when they hear a chainsaw revving up)

            Friend 1: Oh boy, here we go, let the terror commence!

            Friend 2: There’s no chance of getting electrocuted with that thing, right?

            (A masked fiend bounds onto the trailer, waving around the chainsaw to the delighted screams of the passengers)

            Masked Fiend: ROOOOOAAAAARRRRR – oop.  (Slips and falls onto the floor)

            Friend 2: Are you OK?

            Friend 1: (Whacks Friend 2 on the shoulder) Ssh, don’t make them break character!

          Masked Fiend: (Struggles to stand, then weakly flourishes the now-silent chainsaw at everyone one last time) Roar.  (Hops off the back of the trailer and limps into the woods)

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) And you didn’t even help `em up.

          (They trundle past several rundown shacks that come alive with animatronic devilry at their approach, with screams and flashing lights to emphasize the horror)

            Friend 2: (To Werewolf Driver) Excuse me?  Are the sparks flying out of those buildings part of the show, or is everything starting to short out?

            Werewolf Driver: …Yes.

          (An evil clown tries to climb on board but is weighed down by a waterlogged costume and wig, and the terrifying makeup is all runny.  Evil Clown gets onto one rung, then waves off the passengers and hops back off the trailer)

            Friend 1: Well, that should be at least a $2 refund.

          (At the last stretch of trail, the demon sheriff car that was supposed to follow them becomes mired in the mud, the zombies chasing them keep falling on their faces, and the witch who hops onto the trailer has the skirt tied to a wrist, revealing jeans and sneakers)

           Witch: (Cackles in everyone’s faces for two seconds, then asks in a low voice) Anyone here have an umbrella?  (They all shake their head “No”; in a witchy voice) Then I’ll see you all in my witchy brew, ahahaha – !  (Starts sneezing violently and almost falls of the trailer while exiting)

           Friend 2: (Spitting out water now pouring off the trailer’s roof; to Friend 1) You know, I’m just not feeling it this year.

           Friend 1: Me neither – the kids they hire these days are completely unprofessional.