Story 649: Required Viewing

            (In a booth at a busy restaurant)

Pal 1: (Digging into a hamburger) Heh – remember when dinners like this used to be $10 instead of $30?

Pal 2: (Digging into a salad) I’m sure several generations ago remember when they were 10ȼ instead of $10.

Pal 1: Yeah, that’s true.  Still: I think it took longer for them to get to that point than it did for us to get to this point.  I mean, we should be the age they are now with these prices, instead of, you know, our actual age now.  I wanted at least another decade of decelerated inflation.

Pal 2: Well, you know: things happen.

Pal 1: They sure do.  (Adds a lot of ketchup to the fries on the side)

(The two eat in silence for a bit)

Pal 2: (After drinking the free water) Speaking of inflation, I’m glad there’s still bargain night at the movie theater, or at this rate I’d never go.

Pal 1: Yeah, I’m always working on those nights, so, oh well.

Pal 2: Ugh.

Pal 1: I still go, though, for something I really wanna see.  Like, I’m going to go see the ----------- movie Saturday morning, and that’ll be my movie for the year.

Pal 2: Oh cool, I’m actually going to see that this week, on the bargain night; it looks good.

Pal 1: It looks amazing.  I’ve been waiting years for it to come out, and now it finally is, and all I’ve gotta say is, they’d better not mess it up.  (Adds more ketchup in emphasis)

Pal 2: I’m sure it’ll be fine; it’s the same people who did the show, right?

Pal 1: (Stops mid-ketchup squeeze and narrows eyes suspiciously at Pal 2) Yeah…?

Pal 2: Yeah, so: there you go.  (Snags a crouton) Wonder what the plot’s gonna be?  I’ve noticed the trailers’ve been a bit hush-hush about the whole thing.

Pal 1: (Gently sets down the ketchup bottle) Are you telling me, that you’re going to see the ----------- movie, and you’ve never actually seen the ----------- show?!

Pal 2: Why, am I supposed to?

Pal 1: (Sits back against the booth, flabbergasted) I don’t believe what I’m hearing!  The show’s been around for 10 seasons, and you’ve never come across a single episode, even by accident?!

Pal 2: (Shrugs) Just never got around to it.

Pal 1: And now you want to watch an entire movie about it?!

Pal 2: Well, yeah, I figured they’d want as big an audience as possible so they’ll not have much insider information stuff so as to appeal to viewers like me.

Pal 1: Ha!  You have no idea what you’re getting into!

(Pal 3 slides into the booth next to Pal 1)

Pal 3: Hey, sorry I’m late, glad you started without me – what’d I miss?

Pal 1: (Points to Pal 2 while the latter is in mid-bite) This one here’s going to see the ------------ movie without having seen the ------------ show!  At!  All!

Pal 3: (To Pal 2) Nah, you can’t do that – you have no idea what you’re getting into.

Pal 1: That’s what I said!

Pal 2: (Finishing the bite) Oh come on, it can’t be that hard to figure out – I’ll read a synopsis or something.

Pal 1: A mere synopsis isn’t going to cut it!  You need to experience it FROM THE VERY BEGINNING to even have the remotest chance of comprehending all the lore!

Pal 2: “The lore”?

Pal 1: Exactly!  The show’s universe, all its characters, their backstories, their motivations, their feelings, how they’re all related to each other, the individual adventures that could’ve filled 20 lifetimes – everything!

Pal 3: (Nodding in agreement) Lore is key.

Pal 2: I don’t know, it sounds like it’ll take a lot of time –

Pal 1: Well then, make the time!  The rest of us didn’t spend years of loyal viewing and show supporting and fanfiction writing just for someone like you to breeze on in and casually “watch the movie” like it’s some superhero flick!

Pal 3: Superhero flicks have a lot of lore, too.

Pal 1: I stand corrected.

(Server appears at their table)

Server: (To Pal 3) Hi, ready to order?

Pal 3: Hi, yeah, sorry to be so late, so I’ll just have the medium rare steak special with fries and string beans and house dressing for the salad with a glass of soda and then the brownie ice cream sundae for dessert, please.

Server: (Writing frantically) `K, coming right up.  (Leaves while still writing)

Pal 3: I love eating here.

Pal 1: Yeah, great, so do we; as I was saying: the lore!

Pal 2: Enough with the lore!  Fine, I’ll try to cram in watching the entire show before I see the movie, happy?

Pal 1: Only if you see all 120 episodes beforehand.

Pal 2: What?!

Pal 3: (Nudges Pal 1) Don’t forget the prequel series.

Pal 1: Oh, right, I did forget, how could I?

Pal 2: The prequel what?!

Pal 3: Series.  Got released about halfway through the man series, but you have to watch both of them in the order they aired or else stuff that happens later won’t make any sense.

Pal 1: When did that come out, after Season 4?

Pal 3: Season 5.  But it really should’ve come out after Season 4, in my opinion. (To Pal 2) You’ll get it when you reach that episode – it’s pivotal.

Pal 2: (Has been typing notes into a phone) OK, so, after Season 5 of ---------, watch – (Looks back up at Pal 1 and Pal 3) wait, what’s this other show called?

Pa1 1 and Pal 3: ---- -- ----- ----.

Pal 2: (Typing) Oh… kay… and how many seasons is that?

Pal 1: Only three.

Pal 2: (Typing) OK….

Pal 3: Twenty-five episodes each season.

Pal 1: Both shows.

Pal 2: (Pauses typing) Oh.  How long are the episodes in each show, an hour?

Pal 3: Oh no: 20-ish minutes, tops.

Pal 2: (Starts typing again) Good, much more doable.

Pal 1: But, if you have the streaming package with commercials, that bumps them up to half an hour.

Pal 3: Yeah, those add up.  And there were the inter-season specials, those were about 45 minutes, right?

Pal 1: Maybe an hour, hour-and-a-half.

Pal 3: No more than two hours, tops.

Pal 2: (Finishes typing) OK, got it: two shows, average of half-hour episodes, combination of 13 seasons with 25 episodes each season, plus specials, so if I watch nothing else every night for three hours a night starting now, I should finish everything while the movie’s still in the theaters.

Pal 3: (Taking beverage glass and several plates from Server) Thank – you!  (Turns to Pal 2 as Server leaves) And don’t forget the tie-in anime.

Pal 2: (Drops the phone onto the table) The WHAT?!

Pal 1: Eh, I really don’t think that’s necessary.

Pal 3: (Starting on the cornbread) Oh really?  You think the Blue Cloud Redemption Arc that directly impacts Season 7 of ----------- and Season 3 of ---- -- ------ ---- isn’t necessary?  OK.

Pal 1: Wow.  I can’t believe I forgot about that, too.

Pal 3: Maybe you’re the one who should be watching these shows now.

Pal 2: (Sighs and picks up the phone to start typing notes again) You know, for something that’s supposed to be entertaining and relaxing and fun, this feels suspiciously like homework.

Pal 1: Well, we never really leave school behind, do we. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(At the same restaurant, Pal 1, Pal 2, and Pal 3 meet up for dinner again in another booth)

Pal 1: (While sliding into the booth; to Pal 2) So!  Did you watch all the shows we told you to before seeing the ------------ movie?

Pal 2: (With bags under eyes and clenched jaw) Yes.

Pal 1: …And?

Pal 2: And it was exactly what I said it would be!  Instead of hundreds of episodes and months of my life, I could have watched absolutely nothing of anything remotely related to the franchise and I still would’ve been able to follow the plot!  In fact, watching all that other stuff made me disappointed that hardly any of it was mentioned in the movie!

Pal 3: (Ripping apart a dinner roll from a basket on the table) Got a point there.

Pal 1: But – but – the lore!

Pal 2: If I hear that word one more time, I will never want to sit through another show ever again.

Pal 3: So, in spite of all that: did you enjoy the movie?

Pal 2: Eh – I thought the shows were better.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.