Story 582: Leftover Finisher for Hire

 [Commercial]

(Scene of a large house party; everyone is standing or sitting around with plates of food, and there are lots of tables filled with even more food)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is hosting parties for your family and friends getting you down?

(Scene of a long table filled with trays and plates of food that were left behind, and one person standing helplessly in the midst of a pile of containers to cram everything in)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having to store pounds and pounds of uneaten food just no fun anymore?

(Scene of someone trying to fit several bursting containers into an overflowing refrigerator before dropping them all and slowly sinking to the floor, weeping)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having the same dinner for the next week-and-a-half just too darn boring?

(Scene of a family seated at a dining room table as Parent sets down several bowls for everyone to serve themselves)

Child: Aw, leftovers again?

Parent: (Whirling on Child while spewing flames) EAT IT AND LIKE IT!!!!

(Leftover Finisher appears in the dining room)

Leftover Finisher: Well, fret no more, my lovelies: leftover crises will be a thing of the past once you call me, Leftover Finisher, to solve all your extra-food woes!

Family Members: That sounds amazing!  How can it be?

Leftover Finisher: It’s easy!  Just give me a call at the number below – (Points to a telephone number flashing on the bottom of the screen) before the big event, let me know what time you expect to finish dinner, and I’ll take care of the rest!

Family Members: Awesome!  Tell us more!

Leftover Finisher: If you insist!  For the super-low price of $99.99 per hour, I’ll come to your house/apartment/cabin/banquet hall/campsite/any location whatsoever, and I will eat all the leftover food so you don’t have to put away a single drop!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) Thanksgiving turkeys; seven fishes; potato pancakes; any and all salads; lasagna; hamburgers and hot dogs; lima beans; and so much more!  You name it, I’ll eat it; and the more I eat, the less you have to stress over how to shove in all that extra sustenance!

Parent: But Leftover Finisher, what about dessert?!

Leftover Finisher: I’m glad you asked!  As I like to say, there’s always room for dessert!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) birthday cake; fruit cake; cupcake; ice cream; sorbet; frozen yogurt; tiramisu; baklava; icing; frosting; and so much more!

(Cut to Leftover Finisher standing at the head of the table, surrounded by the now-standing Family Members)

Leftover Finisher: So don’t wait!  Act now, and if I don’t finish off all your leftovers before midnight, I’ll pack up what’s left in my own containers at no extra cost!  This is a limited-time offer, folks; you can’t beat these deals!

Child: (Tugs on Leftover Finisher’s sleeve) I have a question.

Leftover Finisher: (Turns to Child) Yes, good citizen!

Child: Why should we pay you to eat all this extra food, when we can give it to hungry people for free?

Leftover Finisher: (Stares at Child for a few moments, then turns back to the camera) So call now!

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 566: “That” Relative at Thanksgiving

 [Disclaimer: This is not based on personal experience J]

(At the front door of a house, Relative 1 and Friend arrive carrying casserole dishes)

Friend: You sure they’re gonna like my mashed potatoes?

Relative 1: (Ringing the doorbell) Probably – and if they don’t, they’re decent enough to say so behind your back instead of to your face.

Friend: Oh good.

(Door is opened by Relative 2)

Relative 2: (As everyone hugs) Hiiiiii!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!  Glad you could make it!

Relative 1 and Friend: (As the group clusters into the vestibule) Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 2: (Taking their coats and both dishes with practiced ease while also closing the front door) Come in, come in, make yourselves at home!  (Leans in with a low voice) Listen: just a heads-up that – ahem – Elder Cousin is also here today.

Relative 1: (Also in a low voice) What?  I haven’t seen her in years – I thought she died.

Relative 2: (Somehow smacks Relative 1 on the arm while still holding the coats and dishes) You hush your mouth!  No, she’s still with us, bless her heart, so I invited her today, and she came.  (Glares at Relative 1) So behave.

Relative 1: (Rubbing arm and mumbling) I always behave.

Relative 2: (Smiles at Friend) Would you like something to drink?

Friend: I’m good right now, thanks.

Relative 2: All righty – nibbles are out, so help yourselves!  I’ll be in the kitchen for the next five hours.  (Hustles off to toss the coats into a spare room and resume Mission: Thanksgiving Dinner)

Friend: (Whispers to Relative 1 as they make their way to the living room) Remind me: who’s “Elder Cousin”?

Relative 1: Oh, she’s technically the head of the extended family now by default, but we don’t see her so much on this side.  When she does make an appearance though, well….

Friend: What?

Relative 1: (They both stop walking) You ever been around someone who literally sucks the energy out of an entire room?

Friend: Once or twice.

Relative 1: Then you know.

Friend: So, the usual “don’t discuss religion and politics”, but in this case to the extreme?

Relative 1: Actually, those topics would probably be a welcome distraction today.

Friend: (As they start walking again) Oh, my.

(In the living room)

Relative 1: (Opens arms wide and smiles extremely broadly) Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!

Relatives 3-8: (Enthusiastically jump up from their seats) Happy Thanksgiving!

(Hugs and kisses all around take a few minutes)

Relative 1: (Still smiling broadly, turns to Elder Cousin seated on the couch) Happy Thanksgiving!  (Gives a kiss, then gestures to Friend who waves at Elder Cousin) Not sure if you met before, but this is my friend –

Elder Cousin: (To Friend) I remember you.

Friend: (Frozen smile) Oh?

Elder Cousin: We met briefly at Great-Granddad’s funeral.  You were very polite.

Friend: (Thinks back quickly) Oh… yes!  Thank you – that was…?

Elder Cousin: Seven years and two months ago.  I never forget a burial.

Friend: Ah.

Elder Cousin: (As Relatives 3-8 slowly sit down again on chairs and focus on the nibbles) It was like a dream that day: still summer, and yet there was a sudden frost so it almost looked like there was snow on the ground.  And Great-Granddad – so peaceful, yet I could still feel his judgement upon us all.

Friend: …I do remember the frost.

Elder Cousin: I should hope so, because it’s the last we’ll ever see this side of New Year’s, let me tell you.  Not that it’s ever done me any good.

Relative 1: (Claps hands briskly) Awesome!  So where’s the food?

Relative 3: (Leaps up from an armchair) I’ll get you a plate!  (Zooms toward the dining room where all the appetizers are laid out)

Relative 1: (Panics as escape has been foiled) No-no, I’ll get it –

Relative 3: I INSIST!  (Vanishes like the wind)

Elder Cousin: (Pats the couch on both sides of her; to Relative 1 and Friend) Have a seat.  (They sit slowly in the spots indicated)

Relative 1: Soooo… did you watch the parade today?

Elder Cousin: No.  Those things are displays of excess that crush the spirit.

Relative 1: Mm-hm, mm-hm…. Read any good books lately?

Elder Cousin: I haven’t read a good book in 50 years.

Relative 1: [Sighs in literal deflation]

(A few moments of silence, broken up by chewing)

Relative 4: (Perks up) We had the school play a few weeks ago – I was the lead.

Relatives 1, 5-8, and Friend: (All at once) Wonderful! That’s great!  Congratulations!

Elder Cousin: Enjoy the feeling while it lasts: you’ll never be on top of the world like that again.

Relative 4: Really?

Relative 5: (In a low voice to Relative 4) Don’t.

Elder Cousin: Experiences like that are fleeting, ephemeral – it feels amazing at the time, but passes all too soon and ultimately means nothing.  Makes you wonder why we even bother in the first place.

Relative 4: Oh.  Why do we bother?

Relative 5: (Pats Relative 4 comfortingly on the shoulder) It’s OK, dear – eat your cheese and crackers.

(Relative 2 rushes into the living room)

Relative 2: It’s done!  It’s finally done, ahahahahaha!  (Everyone else stares blankly back) Anybody want to help me bring all the stuff to the table or what?

(Relatives 4-8 leap up and run to the kitchen, grabbing Relative 3 holding an overflowing plate on the way)

Elder Cousin: (To Relative 1) You never got your plate of appetizers.  Want me to go tell that cousin of yours to bring it over with your dinner?

Relative 1: No, that’s OK – it’s a moot point now.

(Relative 1 and Friend walk with Elder Cousin to the dining room; plates and bowls continue to be brought in and glasses filled until there is no more room on the table, and everyone sits down)

Relative 2: (Smiling at the guests) I want to thank you all for coming today and sharing in our family tradition!  How about we all go around the table and say what we’re thankful for?  (Nods to Relative 6 nearby) You first.

Relative 6: (Raises a glass) That’s easy: I’m thankful for good health, good family, and good gravy, heh-heh-heh.

(Scattered chuckles across the table)

Relative 2: That’s great!  (To Elder Cousin) And what are you thankful for?

Elder Cousin: Not much: existence is a burden that we’re unjustly saddled with, and anyone who thinks otherwise is fooling themselves.  (After a few moments) Could somebody pass me the cranberry sauce?

Relative 2: (Hands over the bowl) Well, that was fun!  Dig in, everyone!

Relative 7: (As everyone starts dishing food onto their plates) Well, I’m thankful for –

Relative 8: Save it: the moment’s over.

Relative 7: Right.

(After a few minutes of contended eating)

Friend: (To Relative 2) Thank you so much for all this; everything tastes great!  (Murmurs of assent from full mouths around the table)

Relative 2: Aw, thank you!  You know the old joke: it takes weeks to prepare, days to make, and minutes for it all to be eaten up and gone, with hours of clean-up afterward…. (Looks off into the distance and sighs)

Elder Cousin: Exactly: no point to any of it.  Might as well pay someone to cater – save yourself the stress and also the time that we all have less and less of.  (Takes another helping of mashed potatoes) I mean, don’t get me wrong: everything here is delicious, you’re an excellent chef, but are we even going to remember what this tasted like a day from now, much less decades later when our memories slowly fade into oblivion?

Relative 4: (Raises hand) I will – (Relative 5 gently lowers the other’s hand)

Elder Cousin: You’re young yet: enjoy the company here today, child, for nothing is certain.

(Eating around the table gradually tapers off)

Relative 1: (Frantically) So!  How about those wacky politicians, eh?!

Relative 3: (Sitting on the other side of Relative 1, dazedly holding a turkey leg) You’re too late: I don’t even have the will to fight with you about that stuff anymore.

Relative 1: (Tears apart a roll) …Rats.

(During the massive clean-up, as many people as possible have crammed themselves into the kitchen so Relative 1 and Friend escort Elder Cousin back to their original positions on the living room couch)

Friend: Well, that was delicious.

Relative 1: Yeah, I don’t think I can fit another bite, so I’ll probably only be able to sample about half the desserts this year, if I’m lucky.  (Both chuckle)

Elder Cousin: Gluttony.

Friend: (To Elder Cousin) So what was your favorite dish?  (Relative 1 shakes head and widens eyes in warning at Friend)

Elder Cousin: (Shrugs) Eh, they all blur together into one giant carbohydrate.  Keep the insides ticking for another day, so that’s all that really matters, bottom line.

Friend: Uh-huh.

Elder Cousin: I do have a soft spot for that cranberry sauce, though.

Friend: It sure was tasty.

Elder Cousin: And your mashed potatoes were all right.

Friend: Thank you!

Elder Cousin: But the rest I could take or leave.

Relative 1: Aw, that’s too bad – maybe skip the whole thing next year, hm?!

Elder Cousin: I would, but I keep getting invited to these things no matter what comes out of my mouth; I guess the pull of family is too strong.

Relative 1: (Leans back on the couch and closes eyes contentedly while listening to the happy voices in the other room) The strongest force there is.

Story 547: So Many Parties, So Little Time

            (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, what’s up?  Shouldn’t you be working right now, like I’m supposed to be?

Sibling 2: I am, but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a cubicle wall or something.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, know the feeling.  It’s quite liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –

Sibling 2: Yeah, I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I were one of them….

Sibling 1: Groovy.

Sibling 2: (Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.

Sibling 1: Which barbecue on Saturday?

Sibling 2: (Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last month?  You said you’d bring the shrimp ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.

Sibling 1: Oh, you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.

Sibling 2: Second cousins – ?  Oh, well, no, we’re not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in the family tree and distance.

Sibling 1: Well, maybe you’re not going….

Sibling 2: But you’re already going to this one.

Sibling 1: One can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?

Sibling 2: I guess, but why?

Sibling 1: Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or pool.

Sibling 2: Of course you don’t.

Sibling 1: So, while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for when I come back later.

Sibling 2: Oh, so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?

Sibling 1: Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”

Sibling 2: An hour?

Sibling 1: That barely covers chips and dip!

Sibling 2: OK, how long do you need the spot for, then?

Sibling1: Hm, I’d say a good six hours.

Sibling 2: What?!  The second cousins’ second party isn’t that far away!

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to make cameo appearances in.

Sibling 2: (Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!

Sibling 1: Yeah – or is it 10?  No, nine; I’m losing track.  So, 11 total on Saturday – one that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight – and then back to work on Monday, yippee!  I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?

Sibling 2: (Flat tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.

Sibling 1: Yep!  Normally I’d just visit each one once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.

Sibling 2: OK, there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!

Sibling 1: Oh, you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions, retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party – supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.  There’s no way one person can attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not – it’s physically impossible.

Sibling 1: You’d think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work like a charm.  Speaking of which, along with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a little after 6:05 p.m., please?

Sibling 2: Hold on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?

Sibling 1: Yeah, I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower or a piece of cake from the wedding?  You’ll have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all weekend.

Sibling 2: Wait, wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to get home then?!

Sibling 1: The train.  Oh right – I’ll give you money for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.

Sibling 2: Why don’t you just take the train back to your car?!

Sibling 1: Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party, and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge.  So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there, not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25 hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.

Sibling 2: I’m just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.

Sibling 1: There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.

SATURDAY: PARTY #3

(At the first cousins’ backyard barbecue)

Sibling 1: (Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!

Relatives: (Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Cousin: (Rushes over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy.  (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)

Grandpa: FI – NALLY!  (Dives in)

(Sibling 2 strolls over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)

Sibling 2: Glad you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this one.

Sibling 1: (Sees the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!!  (Kicks off shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing everyone inside and out)

Sibling 2: (Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable.  (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?

Sibling 1: (After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What?  Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks.  I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.

Sibling 2: So how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?

Sibling 1: I dunno; park sideways?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?  In this heat?

Sibling 1: You’re telling me!  The shrimp and I nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was sweating like a storm cloud!  (Nearby kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away) Oh, like you showered before you came in here!  That’s what I thought.

Sibling 2: I got a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody.  Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.

Sibling 1: But you promised!

Sibling 2: Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something closer.  Maybe even right next to my car.  (Turns to walk back to the tables and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!

Sibling 1: Oh I will, oathbreaker!  (Sibling 2 waves backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water) Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….

SATURDAY – SUNDAY: PARTY #11

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?

Partygoer: (Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.  (Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that would’ve been “a bit much”.  Best we can hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.

Sibling 1: Ah yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: I’ll say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.

SUNDAY: PARTY #18

(In a banquet hall)

Sibling 1: (In a business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life!  (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t stop.  (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to the other guests) Excuse me.  (Turns away from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?

Sibling 2: (Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?

Sibling 1: Graduation #2, actually – everything OK?

Sibling 2: No, not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised –

Sibling 1: Aw, you’re the best!

Sibling 2: Hm.  So, I’m at the train station, and wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll show up?

Sibling 2: I don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Chews for a bit) Oh.  So you’re stuck there, huh?  That’s too bad.

Sibling 2: Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.

Sibling 1: Oh, that’s great!

Sibling 2: …It’s your car.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Right.  I need that.

Sibling 2: So, here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be carousing now, and we both go home.  Now.

Sibling 1: Hang on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to tonight!  (Eyebrows rise in realization) You could drive me to them…?

Sibling 2: No.

Sibling 1: C’mon, it’ll be fun!  You don’t even have to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll have a blast!  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!

Sibling 2: There are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in the mood for yet.

Sibling 1: Nerd.  Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos are one-night only!  And the people running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go to waste!

Sibling 2: (Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?

Sibling 1: Yes!  Next one’s a retirement after 60 years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!

Sibling 2: All right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?

Sibling 1: Absolutely!  But you won’t want to go home at that point, I guarantee it!

Sibling 2: Yeah, OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.  (Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)

Sibling 1: Yessss!!!!  (Texts the banquet hall’s address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring back in anticipation) My ride.

Guests: Ah.  (They all return to eating)

SUNDAY: PARTY #19

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)

Sibling 2: This is the retirement party?!

Sibling 1: I know, right?!  Best Vice President of Sales ever, woooooo!!!  (Raises arms and joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)

SUNDAY – MONDAY: PARTY #21

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to Sibling 2) Mead?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!

Sibling 1: …Oh yeah.  (Shrugs, then tries to drink out of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.

Sibling 2: (Shakes head) You’re hopeless.  So, what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?  (Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)

Sibling 1: (Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Sibling 2: Ah, I get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: (Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said last night!

Sibling 1: I sure did!  (To Sibling 2) See?  I can nerd with the best of them.

Sibling 2: (Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.  (They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.

Sibling 1: My pleasure.  (Tries to drink from both tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.

Sibling 2: So how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes to a good time.

Sibling 2: Clearly.  (A bright lights appears in the middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!

(A person who looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead) It’s Puck!  He’s actually here – this is AWESOME!

Puck: (Spreads arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started, my midsummer night’s dreams!  (Whips out a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were doing)

Sibling 2: (Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night of my life.

Sibling 1: (Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together more often!

Story 521: Freeloading Christmas Party Guest

            (In a house full of Christmas trees, blinking lights, Nativity scenes, and snowpeople of all shapes and sizes, party guests eat, drink, and merrily finish preparing the main meal and all its side dishes)

Guest 1: (To Host) I know I’m stuffing my mouth with five different types of cheese right now, but I do mean it when I ask “Do you need any help?”

Host: (Pulling three trays out of the oven while stirring a pot of sauce with an elbow) Nah, I got it – but if you could light the burners under the racks for these pans, that’d be a big help!

Guest 1: (Stares at Host tossing the trays onto the racks and then whip up a salad out of thin air) …Sure, I think I can manage that.

(In the living room, guests stand, sit, and play according to age level when the front door suddenly bursts open)

Freeloader: Hey-hey, everybody, I made it!

Guests: Heyyyyy….

Guest 2: (Takes Freeloader’s coat and pointedly stares at the latter’s empty hands) Soooooo, anything that needs to be put in the fridge or out on the table?

Freeloader: Nope, just me, eh-heh-heh-heh!  I need a drink.  (Grabs an iced tea from a cooler, piles up a plate of appetizers, and sprawls across the couch, bumping a few guests aside) Coming in for a landing, folks!  (Guests move to the other side of the couch; Freeloader finishes the plate, tosses it and the iced tea onto the coffee table, and takes a nap)

Host: (Enters the living room with arms full of cups and cutlery) Dinner’s ready!

Freeloader: (Immediately wakes up and zooms to the dining room) Dibs on everything!

Host: (Sways in Freeloader’s wake) I didn’t even know you were here yet….

(After dinner, as many guests as possible pile into the kitchen and shuttle back and forth from there to the dining room to pack up whichever food is left, wash dishes, pots, and pans, and make room for dessert)

Host: (Carrying a tower of leftover containers; to guests) Oh really, this is such a big help –

Guests 1-20: Not at all!

(In the living room, Freeloader dozes in preparation for the after-dinner nap as several children rambunctiously play)

Freeloader: (Chuckles) I love how rowdy children are always someone else’s problem.

Child 1: (To Freeloader) I was told that when I reach double-digits, I have to take my place in the dish-drying line.

Freeloader: (Eyes close) Good for you.

Children 2-8: As must we all.

Freeloader: (Eyes open wide; Children 1-8 are standing in a row facing Freeloader, who then jumps while seated and looks up at the ceiling) Whoa, was that Santa’s sleigh landing on the roof just now?

Children 1-8: SANTA, YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!  (They all run to their respective parents and beg to go outside)

Freeloader: (Leans back on the couch) Almost too easy.  (Turns head against the cushion to gaze fondly at the gently lit tree, then notices a tabletop Nativity scene nearby.  Squinting, Freeloader sees Baby Jesus in the manger, staring soulfully and gently accusingly back.  The two stare at each other as sweat beads on Freeloader’s forehead, until the latter can take the silent judgement no longer, jumps off the couch, and runs to the kitchen) Wait!  Save me a pot to scrub – a potato to wrap up – anything!

(Guest 2 and Guest 3 emerge from the corner they were watching from the whole time and follow)

Guest 3: That was a good idea, but I thought Baby Jesus isn’t supposed to be in there until Christmas Day?

Guest 2: What can I tell you?  He works in mysterious ways.

Story 517: You Had One Dish to Bring on Thanksgiving

 WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 (Relative 1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)

Relative 1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?!  Rude.  (Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –

Relative 2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to bring mashed potatoes instead.

Relative 1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after I finished depleting my bank account for the month.

Relative 2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed potatoes!  Please.

Relative 1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to make?  You go to the aisle with the refrigerated cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!  I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it may seem.

Relative 1: But what about the salad?

Relative 2: No one cares about the salad!  I only asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much everyone skips it anyway!

Relative 1: Well I never – !

Relative 2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!!  (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!

Relative 1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving?  (Eye starts twitching)

 STILL WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.

 (Relative 1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)

Relative 1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe I can get away with roasted potatoes?

Relative 2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!

Relative 1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual potatoes and mash them myself?  (Shudders harder)

Shopper 1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in there, please?

Relative 1: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  (Widens the door and steps aside)

Shopper 1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 1: (Gasps) Really?!  Just like that?!

Shopper 1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.

Relative 1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!

Shopper 1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.

Relative 1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?

Shopper 1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later.  (Closes the door and speeds off in the opposite direction) Good luck!

Relative 1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!

(In Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal instructions)

Relative 1: But what type of milk?  What type of butter?  Why are there no specifics?  (Looks up to the ceiling) Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!

Shopper 2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or nothing, they shut up real fast.  (Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a panic)

THANKSGIVING – BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT

 (At Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard, and children yell at each other just because)

Relative 2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the mushrooms?

Relative 3: Of course!  (Starts sharpening knives with glee) I live for this.

Relative 2: You worry me.  (Counts the full pots, pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers, toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one.  (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!

Relative 4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?

Relative 2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding teeth) Not – enough – sides!

Relative 4: Just me then?  OK.  (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the sink)

Relative 2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!

Relative 1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….

Relative 2: What instructions?!  You bring them here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!

Relative 1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind, so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%?  2%?  Salted?  Unsalted?  And what type of salt, but I skipped that –

Relative 2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!

Relative 1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.

Relative 2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.

Relative 1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –

Relative 2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW!  (Slams the phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!

Relative 3: (Starts slicing again) On it!

Relative 2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Good news is: dinner is almost ready.

Relatives: YAY!

Relative 2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.

Relatives: ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)

Relative 2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!

Relative 5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed potatoes….

Relative 2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.

Relative 4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right?  Did something happen?

Relative 2: Irrelevant to the meal!  (Spins on heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

THANKSGIVING – DESSERT HOUR

 (Relative 1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and candies)

Relative 1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody, Happy Thanksgiving!

Relatives: (Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 4: You made it!  Are you OK?

Relative 1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.

Relatives: Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –

Relative 5: It was not fine for me!

Relative 1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon buns –

Relative 2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.