Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 483: Walking Into a Changed Store

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stroll along the sidewalk of a strip mall)

Friend 1: You in the mood for pizza today, or sushi?

Friend 2: You know, I’m actually in the mood for Tex-Mex.

Friend 1: …So one of us isn’t going to be happy at lunch.  (Gasps loudly and stops walking, staring at a storefront slightly ahead of the pair)

Friend 2: What, you suddenly remember you’re allergic to cilantro or something?

Friend 1: No, I’ve moved on from The Lunch Dilemma; would you look at that?!  (Points to the storefront)

Friend 2: (Peers at the sign) Oh, yeah, guess it’s still in business; I thought it closed decades ago.

Friend 1: Which means it’s been that long since I last went there and now we must go inside!  (Makes a beeline for the entrance)

Friend 2: (Places a restraining hand on Friend 1’s shoulder) Whoa, wait a minute, I thought we were going to eat now?  We’ve reached my five-department-store limit and I’m done with shopping for the rest of the year.

Friend 1: (Sputters) This – this – isn’t – shopping!  Don’t you remember coming here at all when we were kids?!  This is an experience!

Friend 2: (Squints while trying to remember, then shakes head in the negative) Nah, all I remember is waiting around for hours while everyone else wandered off doing whatever.

Friend 1: Ah!  You poor, deprived child.  (Guides Friend 2 to the entrance) This store has literally everything; you can spend days – nay, weeks – soaking up the wonders and not have to spend a single cent.

Friend 2: If you say so.

Friend 1: I do – the video arcade alone was a dream.  And you could actually live for real in the housewares section: don’t you remember the camping party we did here?

Friend 2: Whaaaaaat?

Friend 1: Maybe that was just me.  Anyway, you’ll see how great it all is, exactly the way I – (They enter the store and are faced with rows and rows of identical shelves; vaulted, empty walls and ceilings; and an employee vacuuming the one piece of carpet at the entrance) remember.

Friend 2: (Takes in the shoppers sprinkled throughout the store, listlessly browsing the aisles) Yep: looks like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Hm.  (Backs out of the front door to look at the storefront again, then re-enters) Definitely the same name.

Friend 2: I think you either inflated this place enormously in your mind, or it’s gone the downsize-to-survive route – like the exact same store you see almost everywhere you go in this country.

Friend 1: Nonsense.  (Addresses the vacuuming employee, who turns off the machine) Excuse me, where’s the arcade?

Employee: Sorry?

Friend 1: The live-in house?  The live-in restaurant?  The water park?

Employee: I… think those were all before my time here.  (Hands Friend 1 a pamphlet) Would you be interested in signing up for our credit card?  You get an extra 15% off all purchases here for life.

Friend 1: (Stares at the pamphlet in disgust, then hands it back gently) No thank you, child.  (Abruptly walks down a center aisle with Friend 2 trotting to catch up)

Employee: (In a small voice) But I’m in college….

Friend 1: (Picking up random items from the shelves and then restrainedly slamming them back down angrily while muttering) Knickknacks – (Slam) Gewgaws – (Slam) Doodads – (Slam) Tchotchkes – (Slam) Pencils?!

Friend 2: Seems like some useful stuff – (Spots an item on a bottom shelf) ooh, I do need a new sink strainer –

Friend 1: Don’t you dare!  (Friend 2 freezes while picking up the item) I will not feed into this shapeshifting place’s nefarious plot to destroy the wonder that was this magical haven!

Friend 2: Destroy your childhood, you mean.

Friend 1: What?  (Laughs awkwardly and mirthlessly) Nooooo….

Friend 2: You’re just upset that some fixture of your youth that had seemed permanent and where you’d had a good time has completely changed with the years and you can never go back to the way it used to be.  It sounds like it had way too much stuff and was losing money, so it had to adapt or liquidate.

Friend 1: But to adapt to – to – (Grabs an item off the shelf) keychains?!  The indignity of it all!

Friend 2: Hey, people always need keychains.

Friend 1: I don’t!  (Slams it back on the shelf)

Manager: (Approaches in a calming manner) Hello, do you need help with anything here today?

Friend 1: Why yes, thank you: I would like to know when and why everyone here chose to betray their fantabulous origins and become a sellout?!

Friend 2: (Turns away to mutter) Oy.

Manager: Ah, you’re one of those nostalgia kids who used to tear through the place like a tornado with your antics 20 years ago and haven’t been here a day since then, eh?

Friend 1: (Mouth drops open, then closes with clenched teeth) Twenty-five years.

Manager: Yeah, I’m a lifer: corporate restructured, and business has been booming ever since.  I’m just happy I only have to babysit the shoplifters now instead of the actual babies.  (Points to a nearby shopper who is trying to stealthily pocket a candy bar) DOWN!  (The bar is dropped in terror and the almost-perpetrator flees)  Definitely a relief.

Friend 1: Well, I must say, the complete erasure of Toddler Toyland and Accordion Emporium and Go-Kart A-Go-Go –

Manager: Don’t forget Food World Around the World; how I hated that mess.

Friend 1: – greatly detracts from the magnificent Company That Once Was, and Will Never Be Again.

Manager: Whatever you say: we’re making more money now than we ever did back when we had all that chaos, with a tenth of the overhead expense.

Friend 1: (Biting lips to keep from boiling over) So: I have said my piece, and on that note – (Grabs an item from a shelf) I will be purchasing this correction tape dispenser that I can’t find anywhere else and be on my way, never to return.

Manager: Fine by us – have a nice day!  (Walks to the breakroom that can actually be used now)

Friend 2: (As the two wait on the swiftly moving cash register line; nods at the soon-to-be purchase) Not a total loss, then.

Friend 1: Easy for you to say: your world hasn’t been entirely upheaved.

Friend 2: Oh please, it’s only a store.

Friend 1: I know it’s only a store, it’s just – (Stares sharply at the empty space next to the end of the cash register counter) just –

Friend 2: What, you still miss the ambience and joy it brought your lost youth?

Friend 1: (Still staring at the empty space) No, it’s just that – there used to be an actual castle door right there, and the massive void left behind is freaking me out.

Story 387: If You’re Going to Be Volunteered, Then Volunteer First

 (In a department store breakroom, two coworkers sit around a long table)

Coworker 1: (Reading an article in a magazine while eating lunch; to Coworker 2) Hey – did you know that ---- ---- has been married for over 20 years and has two kids?

Coworker 2: (Does not look up from reading an article on a cell phone) Yeah, everyone knows that.

Coworker 1: Well, clearly, not everyone knows that.  I always thought this one was single and living the life.

Coworker 2: They are living the life, just not in everyone else’s business.  Must be hard, but managed it somehow.

Coworker 1: Huh…. Wonder if I could ever manage to block out all the paparazzi and adoring fans if I were ever famous?

Coworker 2: I doubt it.  You like attention too much.

Coworker 1: That I do.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: Right, we don’t have time to schedule a store meeting and no one ever joined our online group, so I have to run around telling everyone in-person: starting tomorrow, everyone’s being cross-trained to work at the food counter and you all have to volunteer for at least one shift a week there, indefinitely, until you either leave the company or we go out of business.

Coworker 1: WHAT?!

Coworker 2: I’ll take Monday mid-shifts.

Manager: (Writes on a clipboard) Great – the training schedule’ll be posted later today and the shifts start next week, byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: What was that all about?!

Coworker 2: (Back to the phone) You know how short they’ve been in that department lately, and the retention rate’s terrible; I figured it was only a matter of time before they’d starting pulling from our pool to staff it.

Coworker 1: But why don’t they just hire more people and pay better?

(Coworker 2 looks up at Coworker 1 and both laugh hysterically)

Coworker 1: Sorry, I don’t know what came over me.

Coworker 2: Yeah, what year do you think this is, 1997?

Coworker 1: My teenaged brain and middle-aged body wish it was.  So, what, now we all have to learn how to make up sandwiches and whip up drinks and bake up cookies for a picky and ungrateful public?  That’s not what I applied here to do; explaining basic electronics to noobs and working out complicated transactions that’ll be returned later and watching out for sticky fingers across 10 aisles of merchandise is already above and beyond!

Coworker 2: I hear ya – you think I want to be responsible for handling food and the accompanying mess when I’m perfectly fine sorting clothes and being someone’s personal shopper 50 hours a week?

Coworker 1: So why’d you volunteer immediately then?  If you’d spoken up any faster, it’d’ve travelled back in time!

Coworker 2: `Cause I knew if I didn’t pick a shift, it’d be picked for me and I’d get stuck with a Sunday morning or – (Shudders) Saturday night.

Coworker 1: (Sympathy shudders) So why Monday mid-shift?

Coworker 2: Studies have shown that that’s one of the least busy restaurant and retail times of the week: hardly anyone goes out to shop and eat then, and the shift’ll end by early evening before the dinner crowd really shows up.

Coworker 1: Ooh.  That’s sneaky.

Coworker 2: (Starts reading on the phone again) Gotta do what’s best for you – with any luck, I can spend the least three quarters of the time straightening already-straightened inventory, and wiping up imaginary dirt.

Coworker 1: Wow.

(Manager suddenly bursts into the breakroom)

Manager: (To Coworker 1) OK-schedule’s-not-finalized-yet-but-I-wanted-to-give-you-a-heads-up-that-with-your-availability-it-looks-like-you’ll-be-at-the-food-counter-during-your-Saturday-night-shifts-and-maybe-Friday-nights-too-OK-byyyyyeeeee!!!! (Bursts out of the breakroom)

Coworker 1: (Stares at the closed door in shock) Did I just get volunteered?  In the worst shifts?!

Coworker 2: (Stares at the cell phone) Bummer – only way to get out of that now is to do so badly they’ll have you work anywhere else but there.  That’s my Plan B, so don’t do it right away.

Story 355: One Week Where Nothing Happens

            (In a department store’s breakroom, two coworkers are watching the tiny TV) 

          News Anchor: It is estimated that the recovery from this earthquake will take years, if not decades.  And that’s not factoring in the possibility that other just-as-severe earthquakes may soon follow, if the seismic readings are any indication.  If I may editorialize for a moment: just what we need right now, huh?  And now, Sports.

            Sports Anchor: All playoffs for the year are officially cancelled, and I’m wondering if I’m still going to have a job tomorrow.

            News Anchor: OK!  Moving on to Entertainment News!

            Entertainment Anchor: Eh?  News?

           News Anchor: (Listening to earpiece) This just in: another disaster has struck in the form of –

            (Coworker 1 picks up a remote control and turns off the TV)

            Coworker 2: Hey, I wanted to hear what the form of the next disaster is.

            Coworker 1: Do you?!  What are you going to do about it – actually help the victims?!

            Coworker 2: Probably not, but it’s good to stay informed.

           Coworker 1: Not right now, it isn’t!  Why can’t the news go back to boring stuff, like rescuing foolish kittens from trees, or the thrill of a tricky putt?  Stupid news nowadays.

            Coworker 2: Yes, everything bad that happens is all the news’s fault.

            Coworker 1: You know what I mean!  Can’t we just have one week where nothing happens?!

            Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments) OK.

            Coworker 1: Glad you agree.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you got it: one week where nothing happens.

            Coworker 1: Shyeah, right, what are you, a genie or something like that?

           Coworker 2: Something like that.  You just never really wished for anything this badly before.

          Coworker 1: …Wait a minute, I think somebody else here mentioned you did something like that for them a while ago.

            Coworker 2: Who?

            Coworker 1: You know, what’s-their-name.

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, that one.  So there you go.

            Coworker 1: Yeah, but I figured they were just, you know, lying.

           Coworker 2: Nope: it’s what I do when I’m not processing returns.  Enjoy your week of nothing happening.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a department store’s breakroom, Coworker 2 is watching the tiny TV)

           News Anchor: – the numbers continue to increase as everyone wonders whether this, truly, is the End Times.  And now, Weather.

          Weather Anchor: Well, we’ve got some off-season blizzards to go with those ongoing tidal waves –

            (Coworker 1 bursts into the breakroom, scoops up the remote control, and throws it at the TV, which turns it off)

            Coworker 2: Hey, don’t you want to hear more about the off-season blizzards?  Temps might reach -30°.

            Coworker 1: What was that?!

            Coworker 2: Sorry, that was in Celsius – it would be around -20° in old-fashioned Fahrenheit.

            Coworker 1: No, no, no, I mean what was that last week?!  What happened?!

            Coworker 2: Nothing.  As you requested.

            Coworker 1: But I – we all –

            Coworker 2: Sounds like...?

            Coworker 1: Nothing happened!

            Coworker 2: Ye-es, I believe we established that.

           Coworker 1: But I mean we all… lost a week, or were on ice, or I don’t know what!  I don’t even know how to describe it!

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, so basically, I just put the Universe on hold.

            Coworker 1: …Huh?

           Coworker 2: Well, in order for nothing to happen for a week, it took some doing but I had to stop everything so that nothing, in fact, would happen.  At all, anywhere.  I believe that satisfies your requirements.

            Coworker 1: But – no!  I meant I wanted nothing bad to happen for a week!  Or sad, or horrible, or cruel, or destructively weird, or –

           Coworker 2: You can’t add stipulations now, it’s over.  Next time, be more specific in your blanket demands.

           Coworker 1: Fine!  I wish nothing bad happens for a week, and that includes the following items: murder, disasters both natural and human-made, bigotry, abuse, insect invasions –

            Coworker 2: Too late: you only get the one wish.

            Coworker 1: That’s not fair!

            Coworker 2: Neither is life, but not much can be done in either case.

           Coworker 1: But you tricked me!  I’ve been working with you for over five years and you never once said you granted wishes, and you only tell me when I’m not prepared and already made a casual almost-wish!

            Coworker 2: You meant it at the time.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, well, I didn’t get the heads-up on the real-world implications!  This is basically entrapment – I had no informed consent on the wish-granting!

           Coworker 2: Look, there’s no point in complaining about it now: I did what you asked, it’s over and done for almost a whole day now, the planet’s no worse off than it was before, so really, just be grateful for the blessings you currently have, and start prepping for the storms and/or tidal waves that’re headed our way.  (Picks up the remote control from the floor and turns back on the TV)

            News Anchor: – it seems yet another swarm of locusts has wiped out –

           Coworker 1: You’re the worst wish granter ever, you know that?  (Takes off coat and starts to leave to clock in for shift)

            Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the TV) Oh yeah, don’t forget: at some point tonight, we need to do your annual employee review.  A few core competencies there you gotta work on.

            Coworker 1: (Raises fists to the ceiling) This is the worst year ever!

            Coworker 2: Says you: 1918 was no prize.  (Coworker 1 slams the breakroom door on the way out) So was 1883, come to think of it.  1619 was absolute garbage.  Also 1347 to 1351 were horrific.  Not to mention 597 and 605 BCE.  Wow, pretty much every year is the worst, to be honest.  The pre-Homo sapiens era wasn’t so bad, though.

Story 347: I Wish I Were in a Love Triangle

            (In a department store, Associate 1 is at a counter in front of changing rooms, folding clothes to reshelve)

          Associate 1: (To the clothes) You know, maybe if your folding standard wasn’t so complicated, more customers would actually put you back on the displays neatly – just sayin’.

            (Associate 2 pushes a cart full of clothes up to the counter)

            Associate 2: Hey – when you’re done there can you give me a hand with these?  I’ve got two more carts’ worth waiting, and I’ve already seen customers in Swimwear going to town on the new shipment of rash guards.   (Stares at the mountain in the cart) Makes you wonder what’s the point of it all.

            Associate 1: (Slides the pile of clothes on the counter over) If you want to put them here we can pull from that.

          Associate 2: Sweet – thanks.  (Grabs an unwieldy bunch of clothes and dumps it on the counter; the two Associates fold and sort as they go)

            Associate 1: (After a few moments of companionable silence) You know what I realized when I clocked in for work this afternoon?

            Associate 2: What, that we’re definitely not getting raises this year?

            Associate 1: I’d usually agree, but we’re lucky we’re getting paid this year.

            Associate 2: True – continue.

            Associate 1: Yeah, so when I clocked in, I realized that I started working here exactly 10 years ago today.

          Associate 2: Aw, congratulations!  Too bad they stopped doing the anniversary parties and handing out the commemorative pins and giving the extra days off and –

            Associate 1: I’m trying really hard not to think about all that.

            Associate 2: Sorry.

          Associate 1: Anyway, my main takeaway is this: after 10 years, I don’t care that I’ve never been promoted, or had much of a salary increase, or that the work is meaningless outside of itself.  My one regret is that, in all this time, I have yet to have a workplace romance.

        Associate 2: Really?  What about the one in Lingerie, around… (Looks up to remember) two years ago?

         Associate 1: That was just a casual flirtation: we only acted that way because we had an unspoken agreement that it would go absolutely nowhere.  And it was four years ago.

           Associate 2: Oh.  Oh right, that was around when the break room caught on fire, and now we can’t bring in our own hot plates.

            Associate 1: Yes, good times.

            Associate 2: OK, so that doesn’t count – no one serious ever, then?  Guess that’s a good thing: makes it complicated and uncomfortable when you see them here all the time while you’re supposed to be working, and then when you break up?  `Cause you just know you’ll break up.

            Associate 1: I know, but I still feel like I’m missing out on a vital part of the whole retail work experience.  I need something to look forward to coming here every day that isn’t – (Gestures to the growing piles of unfolded clothes that customers steadily have been adding to) getting all these folded and put away in an orderly manner.  I need emotional fulfillment in my life!

            Associate 2: OK, but you know you’re not my type.

         Associate 1: Ew, I wasn’t angling for you – not that you’re not cool – but that would be awkward and you know too much about me, so it wouldn’t be exciting.

            Associate 2: That I do.

          Associate 1: No, I’m going for the gold here: I don’t want just any old hook-up or fling – I want a love triangle.

           Associate 2: Ha!  Now you’re getting greedy – you haven’t even got one person, and now you want two?  Weirdo.

          Associate 1: Exactly!  I want it all!  I want the drama!  I want the tender explosive passion!  I want two separate people constantly telling me how wonderful I am while we’re stuck at the cash register processing dubious returns!

            Associate 2: Sure, I can see how that’d pass the time.  Got anyone in mind?

            Associate 1: The night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics.

         Associate 2: That was fast – so they’ve been giving you the winking eyes and the waggling eyebrows, eh?

            Associate 1: I have no idea; I just want to be in a love triangle with them.

            Associate 2: Oh.  So, do you like them?  As in, middle-school-crush like?

           Associate 1: They’re all right, I guess.  Suppose they wouldn’t break any mirrors, but they also wouldn’t win any beauty contests, if you catch my drift.

            Associate 2: Wait a minute, do you even know them?

        Associate 1: Sure I do, they’re the night security guard and the assistant supervisor in Electronics!

            Associate 2: I heard you the first time, but do you know anything about them besides their job titles?  Do you know anything about their personal lives?  Whether they go around secretly kidnapping kittens or stealing grapes at the supermarket, for instance?

            Associate 1: Who cares about all that?  This is a workplace romance!

            Associate 2: Let me know how that turns out.

ONE WEEK LATER

         (Associate 1 is organizing clothes on a display when the night security guard approaches)

            Security Guard: Hey, everything going all right in your department?

           Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the display and bats eyelashes) Oh, most definitely – thank you so much for always asking!  You’re so thoughtful and protective of me.  (Bats some more)

            Security Guard: Yeah, just making my rounds.  See you later.  (Leaves)

            Associate 1: I’ll be here!  Oh wait, I clock out in half an hour, drat.

          Associate 2: (Approaches with a cart full of clothes) Still laying the groundwork for your “triangle”?

           Associate 1: What do you mean?  Didn’t you sense the mind-blowing suppressed passion of our forbidden love?!

            Associate 2: No.

            Associate 1: (Tsks) I’ll just have to demonstrate more clearly with my other other half.  (Pulls Associate 2 over to Electronics and spots the assistant supervisor at the counter) Here – now you’ll see the ultimate power of volcanic jealously fueled by the raging hormones of love!

            Associate 2: Ummm….

            Associate 1: (To Assistant Supervisor) Yoo-hoo!

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh, hey – need help with something?

        Associate 1: (Leans sideways on the counter, elbow slipping off the edge) Just checking on how your day is going?  (Bats eyelashes)

          Assistant Supervisor: Oh, not too bad; how’re you two’s day’s going?  (Nods at Associates 1 and 2)

            Associate 2: Well, I’ve got a ton of –

           Associate 1: (Leans over, blocking Associate 2) Oh, the usual – the security guard came by just now to make sure I was all right.

            Assistant Supervisor: Oh yeah, me too, about five minutes ago.  Speaking of which, I think we’ve got another regular shoplifter here – might just be in this department, but anything missing in yours lately?

           Associate 1: (Throws back head and shakes hair) AHAHAHAHA!!!!  (Clears throat and fiddles with a chipped part of the countertop) Always.

          Assistant Supervisor: Gee, that’s too bad.  (Sees a customer waiting nearby) Whelp, nice chatting with you two – excuse me.  (Leaves the counter and walks with the customer to the next aisle over)

            Associate 1: (Stares intensely at Associate 2) See?!

            Associate 2: What?

            Associate 1: The volcanic jealousy!

            Associate 2: Wow.

            Associate 1: Exactly!  When I mentioned my other lover –

            Associate 2: Ugh.

          Associate 1: – You could see how this one could barely be restrained, the violence ever-threatening to burst out and tear the rival apart!

            Associate 2: If you say so.

           Associate 1: I have been in such a turmoil of emotions every time I come to work now!  I have given my heart completely to both of them, so how can they ask me to choose just one?!

            Associate 2: How can you give your heart completely, twice?

         Associate 1: (Collapses backward across the counter) All these overwhelming feelings!  The all-consuming love I have for them!  The all-consuming love they have for me!  The all-consuming hatred they have for each other!  How wonderful life is!

            Associate 2: Glad to see you’re finally getting some enjoyment out of working here.

            Associate 1: (Stands back up straight) I know, right?