Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 547: So Many Parties, So Little Time

            (On the phone)

Sibling 1: Hey, what’s up?  Shouldn’t you be working right now, like I’m supposed to be?

Sibling 2: I am, but I needed to walk away for a few minutes before I threw my computer over a cubicle wall or something.

Sibling 1: Heh-heh, know the feeling.  It’s quite liberating, actually; you should go through with it sometime, like when I –

Sibling 2: Yeah, I don’t think I want to hear the rest of that story: right now I’m sitting at the outdoor koi pond somebody here had the foresight to install a few years ago, and I’m slowly being hypnotized by the lazily swimming fish, wishing I were one of them….

Sibling 1: Groovy.

Sibling 2: (Shakes self out of trance) Anyway, I’m calling to check what time you want me to pick you up for the barbecue on Saturday.

Sibling 1: Which barbecue on Saturday?

Sibling 2: (Mini-sighs) Our cousins’ barbecue that you got the invitation for last month?  You said you’d bring the shrimp ring, and you know how much Grandpa looks forward to that.

Sibling 1: Oh, you mean our first cousins’ barbecue – I wasn’t sure if you were talking about that one or our second-cousins-once-removed’s barbecue.

Sibling 2: Second cousins – ?  Oh, well, no, we’re not going to that one: we got invited to this one first, and they’re closer in the family tree and distance.

Sibling 1: Well, maybe you’re not going….

Sibling 2: But you’re already going to this one.

Sibling 1: One can go to multiple events in one day, can’t one?

Sibling 2: I guess, but why?

Sibling 1: Party’s a party – I never turn down an invitation for free food, drinks, and/or pool.

Sibling 2: Of course you don’t.

Sibling 1: So, while we’re on the subject, I’m gonna need you to save me a parking spot for when I come back later.

Sibling 2: Oh, so you’ll only be leaving for a little bit?

Sibling 1: Wellllll, definite “a little bit.”

Sibling 2: An hour?

Sibling 1: That barely covers chips and dip!

Sibling 2: OK, how long do you need the spot for, then?

Sibling1: Hm, I’d say a good six hours.

Sibling 2: What?!  The second cousins’ second party isn’t that far away!

Sibling 1: Oh, I forgot to mention – after going to their barbecue, I have nine other parties to make cameo appearances in.

Sibling 2: (Nearly falls off the bench into the koi pond) Nine other parties?!

Sibling 1: Yeah – or is it 10?  No, nine; I’m losing track.  So, 11 total on Saturday – one that’s overnight – I’ve got another 10 on Sunday – another that’s overnight – and then back to work on Monday, yippee!  I’m exhausted already, but whatcha gonna do?

Sibling 2: (Flat tone) You have 21 parties to attend in two days.

Sibling 1: Yep!  Normally I’d just visit each one once, but I heard the first cousins’ one on Saturday’s gonna have s`mores at the end, so I’ll be coming back for those, yum-yum.

Sibling 2: OK, there’re the two barbecues, so what could all those other parties possibly be?!

Sibling 1: Oh, you know, the usual: birthdays, graduations, anniversaries, baby showers, baby sprinkles, wedding showers, wedding receptions, divorce receptions, retirements, Mitzvahs both Bar and Bat, and a for-real midsummer night party – supposedly, Titania and Oberon are flying in with their fairy crew on that one, but I’ll believe it when I see it.

Sibling 2: Uh-huh.  There’s no way one person can attend that many events in that short a time period, even if they miraculously were all held within the same geographic area which I’m assuming they’re not – it’s physically impossible.

Sibling 1: You’d think so, but I’ve got everything timed perfectly and it’s guaranteed to work like a charm.  Speaking of which, along with saving me a spot on Saturday, on Sunday could you drive my car from the train station here to the train station in the city so I can pick it up a little after 6:05 p.m., please?

Sibling 2: Hold on: you want me to drive into the city on a Sunday afternoon in the summer?

Sibling 1: Yeah, I’ll owe you one – want me to pick you up an Italian ice from the baby shower or a piece of cake from the wedding?  You’ll have to eat it right away, though – word is the temp’s gonna be 103°F all weekend.

Sibling 2: Wait, wait: after I bring your car to the train station, how’m I supposed to get home then?!

Sibling 1: The train.  Oh right – I’ll give you money for a ticket; how thoughtless of me.

Sibling 2: Why don’t you just take the train back to your car?!

Sibling 1: Because at 6:20 I have to be at some club downtown for the retirement party, and from there I have go to the suburbs for one of the birthday parties for a quick cake-and-ice-cream before going two states over where no trains are to be had for the Midsummer Night Party, Part 2: Puck’s Revenge.  So, I’ll need my car waiting for me there, not here, and wind up paying outrageous parking garage fees for the 1.25 hours I’ll be clubbing before I have to move on, but such is life.

Sibling 2: I’m just surprised there are no funeral repasts thrown in there for good measure.

Sibling 1: There’s the one, but I thought it’d be tacky to mention.

SATURDAY: PARTY #3

(At the first cousins’ backyard barbecue)

Sibling 1: (Bursting onto the scene through the open side gate, bearing aloft a shrimp ring and wearing a sash reading “CONGRATS TO THE HAPPY COUPLE!”) Howdy, fam!

Relatives: (Stationed throughout the backyard at tables, lawn games, and the pool; all raise glasses in salute) Hiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!

Cousin: (Rushes over to Sibling 1; they air kiss each other as the former grabs the shrimp ring) Nice to see you – Grandpa was getting antsy.  (Rushes to one of the tables and plops down the shrimp ring before rushing back to the grill)

Grandpa: FI – NALLY!  (Dives in)

(Sibling 2 strolls over to Sibling 1, holding out an unopened water bottle)

Sibling 2: Glad you could make it – thought your timing was off and you’d have to skip this one.

Sibling 1: (Sees the water bottle and shakes head while stripping down to a bathing suit) No thanks – nope, everything is right on schedule and this is the only event today with a diving-sized pool so I’m not wasting another second on personal greetings, byeeeeeee!!!!!  (Kicks off shoes, runs to the in-ground pool, and belly flops into the deep end, splashing everyone inside and out)

Sibling 2: (Shakes head and opens the water bottle to drink from it) Unbelievable.  (Walks over to the pool area and leans on the railing surrounding it; to Sibling 1, who is shaking water out of ears) By the way, where’d you wind up parking so I can save your spot later?

Sibling 1: (After swinging head back and forth a few more times) What?  Oh – parking’s a nightmare around here so I’m about five blocks over, jammed between two trucks.  I haven’t parallel parked in years; it wasn’t pretty, let me tell you.

Sibling 2: So how’m I supposed to save you a spot if there’s no extra room?

Sibling 1: I dunno; park sideways?

Sibling 2: (Rolls eyes) And it’s five blocks away?  In this heat?

Sibling 1: You’re telling me!  The shrimp and I nearly melted on the way here, but at least that was in ice; I was sweating like a storm cloud!  (Nearby kids in the pool get disgusted looks on their faces and start swimming away) Oh, like you showered before you came in here!  That’s what I thought.

Sibling 2: I got a spot right out front and I am not giving that up, for you or for anybody.  Except maybe Grandpa: he’s earned it.

Sibling 1: But you promised!

Sibling 2: Relax: by the time you get back here, a good percentage of the cars on the street will have given up and gone home – I’m sure you’ll find something closer.  Maybe even right next to my car.  (Turns to walk back to the tables and food) Have fun getting all wrinkly in there before your next gig!

Sibling 1: Oh I will, oathbreaker!  (Sibling 2 waves backward over a shoulder as Sibling 1 leans back to float on the water) Ahhhhhh, this is the life… (Checks waterproof watch) for the next 35 minutes….

SATURDAY – SUNDAY: PARTY #11

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga and drinking mead from a tumbler; to a partygoer wearing a fake donkey’s head) So, are Titania and Oberon showing up tonight or what?

Partygoer: (Muffled voice) Doesn’t look like it.  (Gestures to the fake head) I was hoping this get-up would have them rushing over to resolve everything so all will be well, but nope – we should’ve thrown-in the mixed-up lovers for good measure but our host thought that would’ve been “a bit much”.  Best we can hope for is maybe Puck’ll show up tomorrow to give us the what-for.

Sibling 1: Ah yes: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: I’ll say – I haven’t been able to eat a bite all night with this thing on.

SUNDAY: PARTY #18

(In a banquet hall)

Sibling 1: (In a business casual outfit, devouring a filet mignon while seated at a round table with five other guests) Sure, graduation’s great and all that, but wait until the loans start getting called in – for the rest of your life!  (Everyone including Sibling 1 laugh uproariously, then start weeping silently) Twenty years later; they just don’t stop.  (Sibling 1’s cell phone rings; to the other guests) Excuse me.  (Turns away from the others to answer the call, sniffling) Hey, what’s up?

Sibling 2: (Standing on a train station platform) Enjoying the baby sprinkle?

Sibling 1: Graduation #2, actually – everything OK?

Sibling 2: No, not really: I’m in the city right now, after delivering your car as promised –

Sibling 1: Aw, you’re the best!

Sibling 2: Hm.  So, I’m at the train station, and wouldn’t you know it: the 100+° weather has melted the infrastructure, and all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Takes a bit of filet) Gee, that stinks – what time you think the next train’ll show up?

Sibling 2: I don’t think you’re listening: all trains have been delayed until further notice.

Sibling 1: (Chews for a bit) Oh.  So you’re stuck there, huh?  That’s too bad.

Sibling 2: Here’s the thing: I have a car right here, so I actually can go home right now.

Sibling 1: Oh, that’s great!

Sibling 2: …It’s your car.

Sibling 1: Oh.  Right.  I need that.

Sibling 2: So, here’s what I propose we do: I come and pick you up wherever you happen to be carousing now, and we both go home.  Now.

Sibling 1: Hang on, I can’t do that, I have… (Counts on fingers) three more events to get to tonight!  (Eyebrows rise in realization) You could drive me to them…?

Sibling 2: No.

Sibling 1: C’mon, it’ll be fun!  You don’t even have to drop me off and wait in the car; you’ll go to the parties with me, and we’ll have a blast!  Why didn’t I think of this earlier?!

Sibling 2: There are two issues with your sudden burst of inspiration: A: I wasn’t invited to any of your remaining shindigs, so that’d be rude; and B: I have a date tonight with either Elizabeth Bennet or Gilgamesh; I haven’t made up my mind who I’m in the mood for yet.

Sibling 1: Nerd.  Those two can wait forever: tonight’s to-dos are one-night only!  And the people running them won’t care if there’s one extra person – they’ll actually thank you for being there to take their food so they won’t have leftovers since there’s always more than can be eaten at these things and no one wants it to go to waste!

Sibling 2: (Sighs, wiping sweat off of brow) Three more parties, you say?

Sibling 1: Yes!  Next one’s a retirement after 60 years, so you know it’s gonna be wild!

Sibling 2: All right: I’ll bring you to that one, and if I can’t take it anymore when your allotted time is up, we’re going back home, got it?

Sibling 1: Absolutely!  But you won’t want to go home at that point, I guarantee it!

Sibling 2: Yeah, OK, text me the address where you are now, bye.  (Ends the call, flinching when the voice on the station platform’s loudspeaker announces the same lack of updates from five minutes prior)

Sibling 1: Yessss!!!!  (Texts the banquet hall’s address while turning back to the table, where the other guests are staring back in anticipation) My ride.

Guests: Ah.  (They all return to eating)

SUNDAY: PARTY #19

(Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 enter a club where the low lights are flashing, the deep music is thrumming, and the guests on the dance floor are bouncing)

Sibling 2: This is the retirement party?!

Sibling 1: I know, right?!  Best Vice President of Sales ever, woooooo!!!  (Raises arms and joins the crowd on the dance floor; Sibling 2 shrugs and does the same)

SUNDAY – MONDAY: PARTY #21

(In an open field under a full moon at midnight)

Sibling 1: (Wearing a toga again, holding a tumbler in one hand and holding out another to Sibling 2) Mead?

Sibling 2: (Stares at it, then at Sibling 1) I’m driving right after this!

Sibling 1: …Oh yeah.  (Shrugs, then tries to drink out of both tumblers at the same time but spills the mead instead) Oops.

Sibling 2: (Shakes head) You’re hopeless.  So, what’re we all waiting in a creepy circle for?  (Gestures to the partygoers standing in a large circle)

Sibling 1: (Leans in conspiratorially) We’re waiting to see if Puck makes an appearance tonight with his magic and wonder, `cause apparently he’s the one who’ll make this party and without him it’ll be pretty dull and probably over in the next 10 to 15 minutes.

Sibling 2: Ah, I get it: “Lord, what fools these mortals be!”

Partygoer: (Wearing the donkey head again, points to Sibling 1) Hey, that’s what you said last night!

Sibling 1: I sure did!  (To Sibling 2) See?  I can nerd with the best of them.

Sibling 2: (Smiles affectionately at Sibling 1) OK.  (They stand in silence for a few moments) I have to admit, tonight was a lot more fun than I thought it was going to be, so even though it wasn’t originally on purpose, thanks for bringing me along.

Sibling 1: My pleasure.  (Tries to drink from both tumblers again and fails again) I’ll get this right some time tonight.

Sibling 2: So how did you get invited to so many parties all at once, anyway?

Sibling 1: (Shrugs) Dunno – guess I just network a lot, and can’t say “No” when it comes to a good time.

Sibling 2: Clearly.  (A bright lights appears in the middle of the circle) What the blazes is that?!

(A person who looks like a satyr appears in the middle of the circle as the partygoers cheer)

Sibling 1: (Grabs Sibling 2’s shoulder and jumps repeatedly in excitement, spilling more mead) It’s Puck!  He’s actually here – this is AWESOME!

Puck: (Spreads arms wide open to receive the crowd’s adulation) Let’s get this party started, my midsummer night’s dreams!  (Whips out a boom box from thin air and starts playing 90’s dance music while almost everyone else gathers closer to do the same bouncing that the club guests were doing)

Sibling 2: (Staring in shock at the scene) I think… this is officially the weirdest night of my life.

Sibling 1: (Tosses the empty tumblers onto a nearby table and drags Sibling 2 into the circle to dance) If that’s the case, then we’ve really gotta hang out together more often!