Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 355: One Week Where Nothing Happens

            (In a department store’s breakroom, two coworkers are watching the tiny TV) 

          News Anchor: It is estimated that the recovery from this earthquake will take years, if not decades.  And that’s not factoring in the possibility that other just-as-severe earthquakes may soon follow, if the seismic readings are any indication.  If I may editorialize for a moment: just what we need right now, huh?  And now, Sports.

            Sports Anchor: All playoffs for the year are officially cancelled, and I’m wondering if I’m still going to have a job tomorrow.

            News Anchor: OK!  Moving on to Entertainment News!

            Entertainment Anchor: Eh?  News?

           News Anchor: (Listening to earpiece) This just in: another disaster has struck in the form of –

            (Coworker 1 picks up a remote control and turns off the TV)

            Coworker 2: Hey, I wanted to hear what the form of the next disaster is.

            Coworker 1: Do you?!  What are you going to do about it – actually help the victims?!

            Coworker 2: Probably not, but it’s good to stay informed.

           Coworker 1: Not right now, it isn’t!  Why can’t the news go back to boring stuff, like rescuing foolish kittens from trees, or the thrill of a tricky putt?  Stupid news nowadays.

            Coworker 2: Yes, everything bad that happens is all the news’s fault.

            Coworker 1: You know what I mean!  Can’t we just have one week where nothing happens?!

            Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments) OK.

            Coworker 1: Glad you agree.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you got it: one week where nothing happens.

            Coworker 1: Shyeah, right, what are you, a genie or something like that?

           Coworker 2: Something like that.  You just never really wished for anything this badly before.

          Coworker 1: …Wait a minute, I think somebody else here mentioned you did something like that for them a while ago.

            Coworker 2: Who?

            Coworker 1: You know, what’s-their-name.

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, that one.  So there you go.

            Coworker 1: Yeah, but I figured they were just, you know, lying.

           Coworker 2: Nope: it’s what I do when I’m not processing returns.  Enjoy your week of nothing happening.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

ONE WEEK LATER

            (In a department store’s breakroom, Coworker 2 is watching the tiny TV)

           News Anchor: – the numbers continue to increase as everyone wonders whether this, truly, is the End Times.  And now, Weather.

          Weather Anchor: Well, we’ve got some off-season blizzards to go with those ongoing tidal waves –

            (Coworker 1 bursts into the breakroom, scoops up the remote control, and throws it at the TV, which turns it off)

            Coworker 2: Hey, don’t you want to hear more about the off-season blizzards?  Temps might reach -30°.

            Coworker 1: What was that?!

            Coworker 2: Sorry, that was in Celsius – it would be around -20° in old-fashioned Fahrenheit.

            Coworker 1: No, no, no, I mean what was that last week?!  What happened?!

            Coworker 2: Nothing.  As you requested.

            Coworker 1: But I – we all –

            Coworker 2: Sounds like...?

            Coworker 1: Nothing happened!

            Coworker 2: Ye-es, I believe we established that.

           Coworker 1: But I mean we all… lost a week, or were on ice, or I don’t know what!  I don’t even know how to describe it!

            Coworker 2: Oh yeah, so basically, I just put the Universe on hold.

            Coworker 1: …Huh?

           Coworker 2: Well, in order for nothing to happen for a week, it took some doing but I had to stop everything so that nothing, in fact, would happen.  At all, anywhere.  I believe that satisfies your requirements.

            Coworker 1: But – no!  I meant I wanted nothing bad to happen for a week!  Or sad, or horrible, or cruel, or destructively weird, or –

           Coworker 2: You can’t add stipulations now, it’s over.  Next time, be more specific in your blanket demands.

           Coworker 1: Fine!  I wish nothing bad happens for a week, and that includes the following items: murder, disasters both natural and human-made, bigotry, abuse, insect invasions –

            Coworker 2: Too late: you only get the one wish.

            Coworker 1: That’s not fair!

            Coworker 2: Neither is life, but not much can be done in either case.

           Coworker 1: But you tricked me!  I’ve been working with you for over five years and you never once said you granted wishes, and you only tell me when I’m not prepared and already made a casual almost-wish!

            Coworker 2: You meant it at the time.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, well, I didn’t get the heads-up on the real-world implications!  This is basically entrapment – I had no informed consent on the wish-granting!

           Coworker 2: Look, there’s no point in complaining about it now: I did what you asked, it’s over and done for almost a whole day now, the planet’s no worse off than it was before, so really, just be grateful for the blessings you currently have, and start prepping for the storms and/or tidal waves that’re headed our way.  (Picks up the remote control from the floor and turns back on the TV)

            News Anchor: – it seems yet another swarm of locusts has wiped out –

           Coworker 1: You’re the worst wish granter ever, you know that?  (Takes off coat and starts to leave to clock in for shift)

            Coworker 2: (Without looking away from the TV) Oh yeah, don’t forget: at some point tonight, we need to do your annual employee review.  A few core competencies there you gotta work on.

            Coworker 1: (Raises fists to the ceiling) This is the worst year ever!

            Coworker 2: Says you: 1918 was no prize.  (Coworker 1 slams the breakroom door on the way out) So was 1883, come to think of it.  1619 was absolute garbage.  Also 1347 to 1351 were horrific.  Not to mention 597 and 605 BCE.  Wow, pretty much every year is the worst, to be honest.  The pre-Homo sapiens era wasn’t so bad, though.

Story 333: The Wish of Unintended Consequences

            (In an office)

            Coworker 1: (Speaking on the desk phone) Wait a minute, you know there’s a grand total of two-and-a-half employees in this department doing the work of three people each; we’re already five years behind on the 50 projects you’ve dumped on us; and now you volunteered us to take on another one?!...  You know, I never realized until now that the human body can survive drowning for years – I’ve heard it’s pleasant if you don’t fight it though, so maybe I should just tell you to go – never mind, I’d like to keep my job and I like you as a person, ignore everything I said up until now, all my best, bye.  (Hangs up the phone and softly bangs head on the desk)

            Coworker 2: (Sitting at the next desk over) That doesn’t sound promising.

         Coworker 1: (Voice muffled by the desk) We have another new project, because we’re just so freaking awesome at what we do, I guess.  (Sits up and stares at the piles of papers flooding the desk) I wish I didn’t care about all this anymore, but I don’t want to be apathetic, either.  I guess what I really wish is that circumstances changed so we can catch up on all this mess.

            Coworker 2: OK.

          Coworker 1: Yeah, but who’m I kidding?  We just have to keep running in place up until the day our heart attacks hit, one by one.

            Coworker 2: No, I mean OK, you’ve got it.

            Coworker 1: Got what?

            Coworker 2: Your wish.

        Coworker 1: Ohhhh…kaaayyyy… so, what, you’re my personal genie now or something, heh-heh-heh?

          Coworker 2: If you like.  Sorry I never mentioned it earlier – I have a habit of forgetting about that.

            Coworker 1: Huh?

           Coworker 2: You also never made a real wish until now; one from the heart, that is.  The others were just fluff.

            Coworker 1: (Stares at Coworker 2 for a few moments) What?!

            Coworker 2: I go from place-to-place as I’m needed – and you seemed needy.

            Coworker 1: You’ve been at this office for almost 10 years!

          Coworker 2: Really?  Time sure does fly – I think that means I get an extra week’s vacation this year, sweet.

            Coworker 1: Hold on, are you saying that you can make what I just wished for actually happen?!  Like actually for reals and all that jazz?!

            Coworker 2: Yepperz.  But you’re not gonna like it.

          Coworker 1: I don’t care, do you hear me?!  I am at my wit’s end, everyone here is ready to pull what’s left of their hair out, my nerves are ready to literally explode, we can’t go on like this anymore, change something, anything, please!

            Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

            (Coworker 1 does a long blink and sees that Coworker 2 is gone)

           Coworker 1: (Whips head around, looks underneath the desks, and sits back up, frozen) Did I make them up this whole time?  (Desk phone rings; answers) Accounts Payable, how may I help you?... What do you mean, crisis?...  What?... How many people?... All projects cancelled?.... Well, sure I was going to the conference, you’re the one who told me to…. OK, all of them are cancelled, too…. How long do they have to stay home?... I guess we’ll be OK here, but the customers might…. Oh, they’re home, too…. Most businesses closed too, huh… Um, OK, I’ll wait to hear back from you…. No, I feel fine, how about you?... Yeah, you should probably get that checked out.  And for once in your life, wash your freakin’ hands!... OK, bye, boss.  (Hangs up and stares into space)

            Coworker 2: (Sits back down at the desk) Sorry I had to dash out there for a minute – allergies acting up again – what’d I miss?

            Coworker 1: Ummm, everything’s cancelled.  Everywhere.

            Coworker 2: I see.

          Coworker 1: All our projects are on hold and those of us left here can work on stuff we’re behind on.

            Coworker 2: Indeed.  Happy?

           Coworker 1: Of course I’m not happy!  You could’ve brought us more staff, or made the useless projects disappear, and instead you started a global disaster!

          Coworker 2: And how likely was it that either of the other two scenarios would happen?

           Coworker 1: Not very, but come on!

         Coworker 2: Told you you weren’t going to like it.  I believe your response was, “I don’t care.”

            Coworker 1: But you know what I meant!

           Coworker 2: (Sighs) You wish makers are all alike: I give you exactly what you want, and you still complain.

Story 276: To See Myself the Way Others See Me

            “You know what I wish?” Co-Worker 1 sighed in the breakroom.

            “What’s that?”  Co-Worker 2 did not look up from the magazine being read.

            “That I could see myself the way others see me.”

            Co-Worker 2 peered at Co-Worker 1 over the top of a pair of increasingly necessary reading glasses.  “Whatever would you want something horrible like that for?”

            “I dunno, it might be kind of fun.”

            “Ha!”

            “Well, I really would like to see things I unknowingly do that annoy people and then I’d know to stop doing them.”

            “You could just ask – I can give you a few examples right now.”

            “No, I think I’d have to see it for myself to know for sure what parts of me need improvement and what parts are awesome are they are now.”

           It was Co-Worker 2’s turn to sigh as the magazine was tossed onto the table, abandoned.  “Sure, fine, I’ll do it.”

            “Do what?”

            “Make you see yourself the way others see you.”

            “Yeah all right, what are you, my personal genie?”

            “I guess you can call me that.”

            “Ha-ha, hilarious.”

           “Yeah, I tend to forget to tell people about their one wish, maybe `cause it never comes up.  You’re not my first, you know.”

            Co-Worker 1 felt the sincerity of all this improbability.  “Oh wow.  OK, then: I wish I could see myself the way others see me.  Only for a day!” was hastily tacked on.

            Co-Worker 2 looked as if there were a sour smell close at hand.  “Are you positive you want to waste your one wish on that?  I probably could scrounge up a million dollars post-tax or send you on a vacation to the moon or something way cooler.”

            Co-Worker 1 thought this over: “Nah, those never work out right.  This, though, is honest and humble and selfless, so nothing whatsoever can possibly go wrong with it!”

            “Suit yourself.”

            Co-Worker 1 clocked in after lunch and was shelving a cart of the store’s returns for several minutes when a shrill laugh suddenly pierced the air.

           “What the blazes was that?!”  Co-Worker 1 zipped through the aisles and ducked behind a fixture to peer at the customer service counter, where an unfamiliar-looking employee was yukking it up with other employees and customers alike as passers-by gave them strange looks. 

            “And he’s like, ‘Oof!’, you know what I mean, heh-heh-heh!”  The bizarre being continued to cackle while typing with two fingers to search the store’s product database.  “People are weird.”

            Co-Worker 2 walked up next to Co-Worker 1: “Enjoying the view?”

           Co-Worker 1 could not look away from the spectacle: “Not especially – who’s that weirdo up there, anyway?”

         Co-Worker 2 stared at Co-Worker 1.  “You’re kidding, right?  You can’t even recognize yourself?”

           “What?  Heh-heh-heh, that’s not me, they have such an annoying laugh – I mean – look at them – you know – the hair’s parted on the wrong side!”

            “Yep, that always looks so much better in the mirror, doesn’t it?”

            Another cackling scream erupted.

            “Wow,” Co-Worker 1 winced.

            Co-Worker 2 moved on to sweep the front of the store: “You have no idea.”

THAT NIGHT

            Co-Worker 1 sat at the corner of a bar, unseen by all while observing The True Self, who was trying and failing to be the life of the party.

            “Did you see his latest movie?”

            “Um, yeah, you just talked about it five minutes ago – ”

            “Well let me tell you again what happened in case you didn’t hear it all the first time….”

            Later that evening, The True Self answered the phone.

            “What, Ma?  I’m out with my friends…. Yeah, I guess I can go visit them this weekend – do I hafta, heh-heh-heh?... I’M KIDDING!... Yes, I appreciate all of you, gotta go, it’s too loud in here, bye!”  To the posse: “Sorry, I’m a brat, but sometimes you just gotta whatever!”

            Co-Worker 2 grabbed a stool next to Co-Worker 1: “How’s the wish going?”

            “Miserably.  I can’t believe my face has been crooked this whole time!”

           “Yeah, so, forgot to ask earlier: did you want this thing to be a 24-hour day or a calendar day?”

           “What?  Oh, I guess calendar – I can’t take much more of this garbage, I don’t even know where to start with myself, everything is so abominable!”

           “If it makes you feel any better, you’ll be affected by these life-changing revelations for less than a week before it’s back to business as usual.”

          “Oh well, guess there’s no point in trying to improve anything then if I'm just going to relapse.”

            “Please do something about that laugh, though.”

            “If only I could.”