Story 548: A Midsummer Night’s Wish

 JULY

 (In a department store)

Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!

Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.

Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop.  (Holds up an assortment)

Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction.  (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)

Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing!  Enjoy your day!  (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.

Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?

Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm?  Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.

Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.

Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few!  Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights.  It’s depressing.

Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list.  (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)

Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up! 

Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.

Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner!  I’m jealous.

Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?

Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!

Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.

Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.

Coworker 2: I know – you got it.

Coworker 1: …What?

Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.

Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?

Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time.  Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.

Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.

Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that.  Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.

Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter.  The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.”  (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.

Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.

Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….

Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?

Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!

Coworker 2: Suit yourself.

OCTOBER

(On the phone)

Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.

Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –

Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.

Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.

Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?

Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too!  And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.

Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.

Coworker 1: Halloween, huh?  Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee!  (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.

(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)

Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!

Coworker 1: (Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.

NOVEMBER

(At a Thanksgiving dinner)

Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.

Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?

Relative 1: Please.  (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)

Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.

Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!

Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.

(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)

Relatives: Snow….

Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.

Relative 1: What?

Coworker 1: What?

DECEMBER

(In the department store)

Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.

Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.

Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.

Coworker 1: Your point?

Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.

Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.

Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job?  Either of them?  (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!

Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again!  (Leaves)

Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?

Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!

Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.

Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!

Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.

Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!

Customer 3: What’s cool?  (Leaves)

Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?!  You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!

Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?

Coworker 1: Of course I do!  I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!

Coworker 2: Really.

Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!

Coworker 2: Well….

Coworker 1: “Well” what?!

Coworker 2: I didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.

JULY

Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?!  I mean, you undid it?!

Coworker 2: Undid what?

Coworker 1: The wish!

Coworker 2: What wish?

Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it.  You won’t hear another word out of me.

Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.

Story 418: Daylight Diminishing

 FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5

            (In an office)

Coworker 1: (Blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen; to Coworker 2 sitting nearby) You know, it’s afternoons like these that I start to forget what the outdoors look like.

Coworker 2: (Also blankly staring at a spreadsheet full of numbers on the computer screen) Know what you mean, and it’s about to get worse: this Sunday’s when we turn the clocks back an hour.

Coworker 1: (Perks up a bit) Oh yeah?  Sweet – an extra hour of sleep this weekend.

Coworker 2: That we pay for the rest of autumn and all of winter with fewer hours of sunshine during the day.

Coworker 1: Oh.  (Crumples to the desk as this sinks in) Ohhhh, noooo....

Coworker 2: In a month and a half we start getting a minute of sunshine back each day, but, you know, damage has been done.  Sun’s usually gone by 4:30 the latest for ages; I don’t notice a difference until at least March.

Coworker 1: [Groans into the desk]

Coworker 2: Yeah, you’d think we’d all be used to this by now, but it just feels worse every year, at least to me.  Maybe our political representatives will finally pass a bipartisan bill stopping the whole clock-change bit and there’ll be peace throughout the land, but even if that ever happened there’d still be fewer hours of daylight for a bunch of months outta the year, no matter what hemisphere you’re in.  Only way to avoid it is moving to the equator and get 12 hours of day and 12 hours of night all year long, which I’m too lazy to do.

Coworker 1: (Stands up and shuts down the computer) On that note, I’m leaving for the week and going to bed early Saturday night just so I can revel in the extra sleep and not dwell on the cost.

Coworker 2: (Nods as Coworker 1 leaves, still staring at the computer screen) Have a good weekend – see you dim and early on Monday.

 MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8

(Coworker 2 is at the desk, still staring at the spreadsheet, at Coworker 1 enters)

Coworker 1: Mornin’ – I overslept when the random rooster by my apartment complex didn’t do its thing until way later than usual.  How’d you do with the change yesterday?

Coworker 2: Slept about the same four hours I normally do when gaming on weekends.  My own fault.

Coworker 1: (Starts up the computer and settles in for the work week with a sigh) Yep, here we go again, plunging into increasing night – see you on December 21.

 TUESDAY, DECEMBER 21

 Coworker 1: This is it!

Coworker 2: (Awakens from a half-doze while staring at the same spreadsheet from the previous month) Wha-what, another fire drill?

Coworker 1: No, I’m talking about how today’s the day where we take back the sun!

Coworker 2: (Rubs eye) All right, I admit it, my brain was taking a break back there and is still restarting – maybe say it again slower?

Coworker 1: (Picks up a desktop calendar and points to the date) Winter solstice!  Now our hemisphere’ll start tilting toward the sun again and we’ll get back more hours of daylight, woo-ho!  (Picks up the desk phone to speak into the receiver) Too bad for you all Down Under, but we northerners have suffered enough!  (Hangs up triumphantly)

Coworker 2: You realize it’s only a minute a day, right?

Coworker 1: I don’t care!  I just feel so much better about everything now that the days will be brighter longer!  Our star’s the best, isn’t it?  (Beamingly stares out the window)

Coworker 2: If you’re looking for the sunset to take place a smidgen later than it did yesterday, our windows face east on this side of the building.

Coworker 1: (Still smiling out the window) I know!

Coworker 2: (Turns back to the computer screen and mutters) Oh my.

 MONDAY, FEBRUARY 28

Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office, beelines to Coworker 2 and whispers frantically) Can I talk to you about something?

Coworker 2: Not if you’re going to be creepy about it, no.  (Points to Coworker 1’s chair) Go sit in your spot and tell me from over there like normal.

Coworker 1: (Sits, wheels chair over, and whispers again) I don’t want to say this too loudly and start a panic –

Coworker 2: There’s one other employee on this floor after last year’s budget cuts, so no fear of that.

Coworker 1: Here goes: I don’t think we got the sun back.

Coworker 2: (Looks around the sunlight-filled room) Want to try that again?

Coworker 1: Oh yes, it’s still there, it’s always physically there, but I don’t think we got any of the minutes back like we were promised.  What I mean is, I don’t think the Northern Hemisphere is tilting toward again it like it’s supposed to.

Coworker 2: Whaddya mean?  It’s been lighter longer lately.

Coworker 1: No it hasn’t!

Coworker 2: Well yeah, I believe I said eons ago that you’re not going to notice a real difference until about spring, but we should have, what, about two hours back now?  Still early evening when the sun’ll set.

Coworker 1: Exactly!  Why is why I’m extremely concerned that we don’t!

Coworker 2: (Blinks slowly) We don’t?

Coworker 1: No!  The sun still sets at 4:30 in the afternoon!  We haven’t gotten back squat!

Coworker 2: But I thought… huh, now that you mention it, I guess it is still setting that early; I never notice things like that.

Coworker 1: Exactly again!  Which is what they’re counting on, until it’s too late!

Coworker 2: “They” who?  Whom?  Who?

Coworker 1: The ones who froze Earth at this tilt on its axis so Up Over is on permanent winter and Down Under is on permanent summer!  That region’s residents were my first suspects, but now they have that much longer exposure to UVB-skin-cancer-causing rays and who would willingly do that to themselves?!

Coworker 2: I think you’re just being paranoid – it’s been a rough winter yet again, and you don’t seem to be handling it well.  (Turns back to the computer screen)

Coworker 1: I’ll remind you of that in a few weeks.

 MONDAY, MARCH 14

Coworker 1: (Upon entering the office) Well?!

Coworker 2: (Still staring at the same spreadsheet from two seasons ago) Well what?

Coworker 1: We sprung ahead an hour yesterday morning: did you happen to notice anything yesterday evening?!

Coworker 2: Yeah, I noticed I was still tired from the lost hour of sleep – really threw off my game.

Coworker 1: No; did you happen to notice the sun IS STILL SETTING AT 4:30 P.M.?!

Coworker 2: (Thinks on this a bit, then shrugs) Maybe it’ll set a bit later today, then.

Coworker 1: No it won’t, it’ll be exactly the same as it’s been for the past four months!  The Earth continues on its orbit but it is no longer wobbling on its axis, and no one else seems to have noticed this but me!!!  All news outlets have been mum, no one has taken the bait when I posted this on social media, and even the conspiracy theorists haven’t pounced on this gold mine of an actual conspiracy!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while making an edit to one cell on the spreadsheet) So what if it’s not tilting anymore?  Not a big deal if the sun sets at the same time every day, doesn’t bother me, it seems to fit everything else that’s wrong with this world.

Coworker 1: (Sinks slowly onto the chair) Doesn’t bother – ?!  But the crops – animal migrations – the magnetic poles – the planet will EXPLODE, don’t you see that?!

Coworker 2: (Shrugs again while typing) Then good riddance, I guess.

Coworker 1: No-no-no, not good riddance, we have to do something!

Coworker 2: Like what?  Go out and push it?

Coworker 1: Couldn’t hurt!

(That afternoon the sun sets at exactly 4:30 p.m.)

Coworker 1: (Jumps up and points at the night sky outside the window) You see!  You see!  No extra sunshine, no extra daytime, all the plants will wither, and we’re all doomed!

Coworker 2: (Stares out the window with narrowed eyes) Hmmm….

Coworker 1: What’re we gonna do?!

Coworker 2: (Turns away from the window and adds another row to the spreadsheet) Same thing we do with everything else: just keep doing what we’ve been doing, and distract ourselves with any entertainment we can find in the meantime.

Coworker 1: You – !  (Silently freaks out for a few moments, then sits heavily on the chair) All right: since we’ll never get any superpowers to fix this thing, that’s as good a suggestion as any.