(In a break room, Director and Second Assistant Director are sprawled out on opposite ends of a couch, each reading and marking up copies of the same script)
Director: (Abruptly lowers the script) I really want to go to Fiji this year.
Second Unit Director: (Not looking up) Why?
Director: Because that’s where everyone says they want to go on vacation, so I wanna go there, too.
Second Unit Director: I’d actually rather go somewhere cold, like Reykjavík.
Director: You’re a weirdo anyway – fact is, I really wanna go on vacation somewhere that I can pretend is in its own bubble of paradise for at least four days and three nights, but I’m working back-to-back projects all the time that I can never do anything fun anymore.
Second Unit Director: Well, that pretty much comes with the territory when you advance through the filmmaking ranks to become “The Director”.
Director: Doesn’t mean I have to like it! (There is a knock on the door) What?!
Production Assistant: (Opens the door and sticks head into the room) Boss? DP wants to do another take of Scene 317 in five.
Director: (Coolly) You can tell “DP” that just because the word “Director” is in the title it does not mean that dictates can be made to the entire company, and also that the other word “Photography” is the one that should be minded instead!
Production Assistant: Says we’re gonna lose the light coming in from the windows in less than an hour.
Director: Oh, the light, the light! Fine, I’ll be right out.
Production Assistant: Thanks, Boss. (Ducks out)
Director: (To Second Unit Director) You see what I mean? Even my work time is taken away from me for other people’s work time – (Shakes the script in emphasis) I can’t even concentrate on blocking scenes because “we’re gonna lose the light!” (Flings away the script dramatically and flings self back onto the couch, also dramatically)
Second Unit Director: (Flips through pages of the script thoughtfully, stopping at a point) You know, those scenes that take place during the war probably need to be filmed on location.
Director: (Holds head in aggravation) Ugh, don’t remind me! I’ve squeezed as much of the budget as I could on special effects so we could film on the soundstage, but I just know no one’s gonna buy the war bits unless they’re legitimately outdoors. How’m I gonna transport thousands of cast, crew, and equipment on a literal shoestring?!
Second Unit Director: I dunno, but however you manage it, it probably could be filmed in Fiji.
Director: (Head pops up) Eh?
Second Unit Director: Or somewhere similarly tropical, where they don’t mind us messing up the place as long as we clean up afterward.
Director: I don’t follow: even in a new location, I’d still be overworked and undervacationed.
Second Unit Director: It’s basically a busman’s holiday: you’re working, but you’re really on vacation. Or, you’re on vacation, but you’re really working – depends on what mood you’re in is how you’d feel about the whole thing, I suppose.
Director: (Stares off into the distance while performing mental calculations) Five days of filming… downtime for scene changes… no night shoots needed so free time then… build in two days for inevitable travel delays… this might actually work.
Second Unit Director: Of course it will: it won’t be a stress-free holiday, sure, but you’ll get your tropical paradise getaway in 10-15 minute increments, at least.
Director: (Looks back at Second Unit Director) This is the answer to everything – you’re an absolute GENIUS!
Second Unit Director: Darn tootin’ – does that mean you’ll finally promote me from Second Unit Director to First Assistant Director?
Director: I’ll certainly think about it! (Leaps off the couch with the script and runs to the door, then turns back) Hold on – shouldn’t you be off filming the background shots for the auditorium scene?
Second Unit Director: Already did it: your current First A.D. is the one who’s missing deadlines.
Director: (Cringes) Oh – right – I should get on that. (Runs out of the break room to the main sound stage where a large crowd is gathered) All right, everyone, listen up! (The crowd turns to face Director) I don’t know how, I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but pack your bags because sooner rather than later we are filming Scenes 551-578 on location!
Cast and Crew: Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!... Ohhhhhh….
Director: What?
Director of Photography: What location, exactly?
Director: Someplace Fiji-like – I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but that’s the First A.D.’s job anyway.
First Assistant Director: (Stops biting nails on hearing title) Huh?
Director: So anyway, all you all need to know is, this is happening.
Director of Photography: But the light –
Director: THIS
IS HAPPENING!
THREE-AND-A-HALF
WEEKS LATER
(On a tropical island’s beach in the early morning, Director stands barefoot in the gently lapping surf while staring at the calm ocean)
Director: Ahhhhh… paradise at last. (Closes eyes, breathes in the sea air and exhales it fully, turns around to face the beach, and whips out a megaphone) All right, everyone, let’s pick up the pace here, I want to start filming in 10! (Walks back onto the beach that has been taken over by the film’s cast, crew, and equipment)
Stunt Coordinator: (Jogs up to Director) You want us to run through the combat choreography between takes today, Boss?
Director: If you like, but only if you feel it’s necessary – just make sure your team’s relaxed and pampered.
Stunt Coordinator: Boss?
Director: I mean, limber and pepped up!
Stunt Coordinator: Got it. (Jogs away)
Actor: (Jogs up to Director) Boss, I hate to be a stick in the mud, but the Sun and sand here are really doing a number on my skin.
Director: (Distractedly while picking up and examining a huge seashell) Oh? How so?
Actor: I’m all puffy and peeling everywhere, and the combination is exponentially worse than either one of them would have been on its own.
Director: (Tosses away the seashell) Well, that’s what Makeup Department’s for – (Finally faces Actor and double-takes) Whoa! Yeah, that is pretty bad. (Starts looking around the beach and whips out the megaphone again) Makeup! Would someone from Makeup get over here please and fix this disaster! We’re starting in eight!
Production Assistant: (Jogs up to Director as Actor is taken away by someone from Makeup, and holds out a satellite phone) Boss, someone from some parasailing company said they wanted to speak with you – think it might be a scam?
Director: Ooh, no, I’ll take it, thanks. (Takes the phone and talks while walking through the beach checking on equipment and people) Hi, thanks for calling me back – listen, my main question for you is, what’s the exact weight limit on those things, hm?... Well, I’m gonna have a heavy-duty film camera, two phones, and a boom mic in addition to… my average human weight…. I know you offer video packages, but I’m doing this for something less amateur, and I’m not supposed to be in the shot anyway…. No, please be very emphatic that they do not dunk me in the ocean at the end; do you want to see a grown adult bawl like a baby after damaging thousands of dollars’ worth of equipment?!
Former Second Unit Director, Now First Assistant Director: (Jogs up to Director) Hey, Boss?
Director: (To the phone) We’ll finalize the details later – tell the boat captain I want at least a solid hour up in the air, OK-thanks-bye! (Ends the call and turns to First Assistant Director): Yep?
First Assistant Director: We’re ready to start filming but the gentle breeze has been whipping up the sand and it’s gunking up the equipment.
Director: So just shake it all out!
First Assistant Director: It’s not exactly that simple….
Production Assistant: (After listening to another crew member) Boss, we’ve got some rogue crabs wandering onto the set, and we’re not sure how to shoo them off without crushing them or getting our toes pinched.
Director: Gimme a minute. (Turns to the ocean and raises both arms straight up)
First Assistant Director: What are you doing?!
Director: Mountain pose; AKA: Tadasana. I had to cut my yoga session short this morning so I’m trying to finish it up now. (Flattens down to the ground, then rises up to cobra pose) Should be done in about 15 minutes. (Inhales loudly)
First Assistant Director: We’re filming in two!
Director: (Exhales loudly) Right. Forgot. (Jumps back up and whips out the megaphone again) Places, everyone! Let’s make some movie magic!
Production Assistant: But what about the crabs?!
Director: (Lowering the megaphone) Dig a trench or something around the set – that should make them think twice about trespassing, I’ll bet.
(First Assistant Director and Production Assistant jog back into the fray while shaking their heads in exasperation and passing Resort Employee who is being escorted by a security guard)
Resort Employee: (Approaches Director while holding out a tray with a drink that has a mini-umbrella sticking out of it) Your non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri?
Director: Ah yes, perfect timing. (Takes the drink while handing Resort Employee a tip) Keep `em coming, will you please?
Resort Employee: (Deftly pocketing the tip) Gladly. (Leaves with the security guard)
Director: (Facing the main part of the outdoor set while speaking into the megaphone again) Aaaaand… action! (Sets down the megaphone and lounges in a beach chair placed in front of a bank of monitors while the scene commences, leaning back to take a nap) Yes indeedy, I sure could get used to filming on location, all – the – time.
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