Story 590: Conference Encounter, Part 2

            (At a professional conference, attendees take their seats at long tables facing a giant screen, computer, and podium)

Event Coordinator: (Addressing the group on a microphone while standing next to Speaker) All right, everyone, I hope you enjoyed lunch – I’m sure we’ll all regret that rich dessert soon enough though, heh-heh-heh!

Attendee 4: I regret nothing!

Event Coordinator: Right.  Now, our next speaker is actually our third speaker from this morning, continuing the rest of the presentation on “Quality Control and You”.

(Attendees groan and briefly slump onto the tables)

Attendee 5: Not again!

Event Coordinator: This isn’t a surprise, folks – you’ve had the conference agenda for the past month!

Attendee 5: We were hoping it was a typo.

Event Coordinator: I don’t get it: on past conference surveys, most of you said that you wanted more sessions on this topic!

Attendee 5: Not four hours’ worth, we don’t!

Event Coordinator: I had schedule gaps to fill!

Speaker: Doooooo you want me to step outside for a minute?

Event Coordinator: No!  No, please forgive the rudeness of your audience – (Glares at Attendees for a moment) and start your presentation as soon as you’re ready.  (To Attendees) We’re losing precious minutes here, and if you keep up with the bellyaching you’re gonna lose out on the next break.

Attendees: Nooooooooo!!!!  Anything but that!

Event Coordinator: Well then, zip it!  (To Speaker) Please proceed.

Speaker: (Accepting the microphone from Event Coordinator) Thank you; I’ll let you know when to advance the slides.  (To Attendees as Event Coordinator sits in front of the computer) As I mentioned at the last session, please feel free to ask me questions at any time.  (Sees a hand shoot up toward the front of the room) Yes?

Attendee 6: (Lowers hand) Is this just going to basically repeat the same information from the last session?

Event Coordinator: Hey!

Speaker: …Not much.

Attendee 6: Knew it.

Attendee 2: (Seated at the end of a table next to Attendee 3, across the aisle from Attendee 6; addressing the latter) What do you care?  You get credit no matter what.

Attendee 6: Good point: nighty-night.  (Lays head down on the table and immediately falls asleep)

Event Coordinator: Anyone caught napping will not be given their credit certificates!

(Attendees groan again)

Attendee 6: (Immediately awakens and sits straight) I’m up!

Event Coordinator: Thank you.  (Gestures “Go ahead” to Speaker) Please continue.

Speaker: Thanks.  (Looks up at the slide currently displayed on the giant screen) Now, let’s start with a case review –

Attendee 7: (Briefly raises hand) Sorry to be “that guy”, but I can see already on the screen that the case is one we’ve all heard about a bajillion times before and nothing new can be said on the subject, ever.

Event Coordinator: (Points to Attendee 7) That’s enough out of you!

Speaker: (To Event Coordinator) It’s OK – (To Attendee 7) That’s fair, but I bet you haven’t seen this version before.  (To Event Coordinator) Next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) This one has video clips!

Attendee 7: We’ve seen those, too!

Speaker: Oh.  Then can you pretend you didn’t?

Attendee 7: No.

Event Coordinator: Well, you’re gonna have to!

Speaker: It’s all right; next slide, please.  (Event Coordinator grinds teeth and advances to the next slide; Attendees groan again) What now?!

Attendee 1: (Sitting on the other side of Attendee 3) One of the speakers this morning literally had the same exact slide.  I mean, font and everything.

Speaker: That’s impossible!

Attendee 1: I’d agree, yet here we are.

Speaker: All right, fine – next slide, please!  (Event Coordinator advances to the next slide) Anyone seen this one before, hm?!

Attendee 4: (Tentatively raises hand) Just at your presentation last year.

Speaker: Ah!

Event Coordinator: (Stands and points to Attendee 4) Traitor!

Attendee 4: (Also stands) Hey, what’s right is right!

Attendee 5: (Also stands) If the whole presentation is like this then I’m going downstairs to the casino, credit or no credit!

Attendee 7: (Also stands) Fie on that!  I want credit for time served!

Attendee 6: (Also stands) And I want credit for all the sleep I’m missing out on today!

Most Attendees: (Also stand) Aye-aye!

Event Coordinator: (Trembling with rage) This is mutiny!

Attendee 4: Darn tootin’!

(Attendees and Event Coordinator begin yelling incomprehensibly at each other and papers begin flying around the room)

Attendee 2: (Leans forward to rest head on hands as chaos reigns) Retirement can’t come soon enough.

Attendee 3: (Sees Attendee 2’s name tag has spun around) OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Attendee 2 looks up sharply at Attendee 3) This entire time I thought you two worked at my old job, but you’ve actually been at an entire different company and been entirely different people THIS ENTIRE TIME?!

Attendee 2: (Frozen) Ummmmm….

Attendee 1: (After a moment of panic, leans in from the other side of Attendee 3) Oh my goodness, this entire time we thought you had worked at our job!

Attendee 3: No way!

Attendee 1: No way!

Attendee 2: No way?

Attendee 3: This… is… AMAZING!

(Attendee 3 pulls Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 into a three-way hug as they sob in relief and joy while the commotion escalates all around them and a paper airplane lands on their table)

Event Coordinator: (Climbs on top of a table, grabbing the microphone that was dropped on the floor in the middle of everything) ENOUGH!  (Everyone else freezes) If you all knock it off now, I’ll ask the kitchen to bring out both the canapés and the mac-and-cheese that you demanded for our evening reception, all right?!  (The standing Attendees suddenly sit back down with a collective “Bang!”)  Good.  (Looks down and sees Speaker hiding under a table; holds out the microphone) Here ya go.  (Speaker shakily stands and takes back the microphone) Now: please resume your presentation at the point where you were so rudely interrupted.  (Primly sits back at the computer)

Speaker: Tha – ahem – thank you.  (Stares out at the Attendees, who stare back expectantly) Soooo… next slide?

Story 589: Conference Encounter, Part 1

            (At a professional conference, attendees are eating buffet breakfast at round tables in another room at the venue before the day’s sessions begin)

Attendee 1: (Sitting across from Attendee 2 at an otherwise-unoccupied table, with an untouched bowl of cereal) I’m not gonna to lodge a complaint or anything – maybe mention it if they send a survey – but when you go to take a shower, and see one of the hotel’s freshly laundered washcloths already has a mystery stain on it… just makes you question everything.

Attendee 2: (Stares thoughtfully at Attendee 1 for a few moments) You know, I really wish you hadn’t told me that right before I was about to eat this bagel.  (Drops a buttered bagel back onto the plate)

Attendee 1: (Looks down at the bagel, then back at Attendee 2) Sorry.

(Attendee 3, carrying an overnight bag, starts to pass by the table but suddenly stops on seeing the other two)

Attendee 3: OH – MY – GOODNESS!!!  (Startled, Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look up at Attendee 3) It’s the Corporate Crew, I can’t believe it!  (Swoops in and embraces Attendee 2)

Attendee 2: Hiiiiiii...? (Over Attendee 3’s back, desperately mouths “Who is this?!” to Attendee 1, who shrugs with a baffled look)

Attendee 3: (Pulls away from Attendee 2 and turns to embrace Attendee 1) It’s been what, three years now?  Four?

Attendee 1: (In mid-embrace, darts a panicked look at Attendee 2, who grimaces in defeat) Heh-heh-heh?

Attendee 3: (Pulls back, beaming broadly at both) This is so great.  I love seeing people I used to work with at these events, don’t you?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Yeah….

Attendee 3: Well, I just got here this morning, so I’m gonna go grab some breakfast – mind if I sit with you guys?

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: Sure….

Attendee 3: Great!  (Drops the overnight bag onto the floor next to the table) Please watch my stuff for a minute – I’ll be right back, and then we can catch up!  Oh, you two want anything?  (They both shake their heads) All righty – bye!  (Practically skips to the buffet table)

Attendee 1: (Whispers as both lean toward each other) I think we should go to the conference room and get seats, now!

Attendee 2: (Also whispers) Don’t be rude!  Besides, we’ll all be in the same room for the next eight hours – how’d we ever avoid the shame?

Attendee 1: So you remember who that person is?

Attendee 2: Not a clue – you?

Attendee 1: Absolutely not.  Maybe they weren’t in Corporate that long?

Attendee 2: I dunno; sure sounded like we all were best buddies for ages.

Attendee 1: I must be getting old – I forget names sometimes, but I have never forgotten a face this badly before in my entire life!

Attendee 2: I’m right there with you; maybe we should just shove dignity aside and ask –

Attendee 1: (Looks up suddenly) Hiiiiiiii!

Attendee 3: (Has returned with lots of plates full of pastries and a cup of coffee balanced on top, and sits between Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Hey there!  Thanks for saving me a seat, ahahaha!  (Sits and starts digging into the food) Sooooo – how’s it been since I left our alma mater, hm?

Attendee 2: It’s been… (Looks at Attendee 1, who is worrying a pulled thread on the tablecloth) the usual.

Attendee 3: HA!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 look at each other in confusion) Anyway, how’s our favorite VP doing, at least?

Attendee 1: Which… one…?

Attendee 3: Heh-heh, you know!  (Slyly nudges Attendee 1 with an elbow, making the latter’s arm slip off the table where it was leaning; to Attendee 2 while jerking a thumb at Attendee 1) Always a kidder, this one!

Attendee 2: (Staring at Attendee 1 who is trying to regain balance on the chair) Yeah, always.  (Leans over a bit to unobtrusively check Attendee 3’s name tag on lanyard but it is flipped over)

Attendee 3: (Finishing up another plate) Well, I just gotta say, I’m glad I got outta there when I did, but I miss most of the people there, especially you two!  (Reaches out to rub Attendee 1’s and Attendee 2’s shoulders on either side) We had some great times in the workplace trenches there, right?

Attendee 1: (Smoothly ducks away from Attendee 3’s hand) I’m sure someone did.

Attendee 3: (Claps hands in glee) Ooh, I know!  We should all meet up for dinner sometime!

Attendee 2: Ah….

Attendee 1: Well….

Attendee 3: Yes!  That way, we can reminisce for hours!

Attendee 2: Actually –

Event Coordinator: (Standing near a doorway) All right everybody, start heading over to the conference room and take a seat, we are starting in – (Checks watch) four minutes, and not a second later!

Attendee 3: (Downs the rest of the coffee) Whelp, guess that’s our cue!  I’ll grab us some seats in the way back of the room, wink-wink!  (Winks exaggeratedly at both while grabbing the bag, plates, and cup) Oh, do you want me to take your stuff?  (Gestures at the uneaten cereal and bagel)

Attendee 2: No thanks, we’ll work on them inside.

Attendee 3: Always the multitasker, eh?

Attendee 2: …You know me.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you in a bit!  (Trots away)

Attendee 1: (As everyone gets up and starts heading to the conference room) I don’t think I can take eight hours of this.  Plus lunch!

Attendee 2: Well, maybe one of us’ll remember the name before then, and mystery solved.  Doesn’t seem like someone who’d be that forgettable, right?

LUNCH

(As the attendees gather back in the dining area)

Attendee 3: Well, I certainly learned a lot today; how about you two?

Attendee 2: (Eyes glazed over) Hm?  Oh, yeah, a little.

Attendee 2: I learned that an engaging speaker makes all the difference.

Attendee 3: (Cackles wildly) Always with the jokes!  (Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 give each other dazed looks) Well, I’m gonna go check in downstairs and hope the room is ready so I can drop this load off – (Pats the overnight bag) you mind grabbing us a table and I’ll meet you when I get back?

Attendee 2: Sure.

Attendee 3: Great!  See you soon, buds!  (Zips out of the room)

Attendee 2: (As both start looking for empty seats at a table) So, any luck with the memory game?

Attendee 1: Not a jot.  For a second around Hour 2 I thought maybe I had it, but then realized I was thinking of my cousin so, no.

Attendee 2: Drat.

(Event Coordinator and Attendee 4 walk up to them)

Event Coordinator: Hi there, conference veterans!

Attendee 1 and Attendee 2: (In the same familiar, tired tone) Heeeeeey.

Event Coordinator: So, seems to be another good conference this year, right?

Attendee 1: Yeah, I like it better than the one last year.

Attendee 4: Right, last year we had the breakout sessions and had to make all those posters and –

Attendee 1: (Shudders) Please: I had successfully blocked that from my mind until now.

Event Coordinator: (To Attendee 2) You still finding these things boring as anything?

Attendee 2: Well, I wouldn’t say “boring”, just not really applicable to my job and it’s difficult to keep my eyes open at a certain point, that’s all.

Event Coordinator: I’d agree, except this year I’m the one who has to make sure the speakers’ slides are all displaying and the microphone’s working and everyone’s where they’re supposed to be, sooooo... yeah.  Gotta keep alert on this one.

Attendee 2: I hear ya.

Event Coordinator: Well, enough of that.  On a happier note, I see you two’ve been having a good time with our former coworker today.

(Attendee 4 nods in agreement; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare back blankly)

Attendee 2: …I’m sorry, you’re former coworker?

Event Coordinator: Oh yeah, that one worked in our organization’s Corporate office about three or four years ago; moved on to another company, but stayed in the field and still shows up at these events every so often.  Surprised they didn’t come over and say “Hi”, but we’ve been a bit busy today so it’s understandable.

Attendee 1: So, are you saying that they used to work at your organization, and now is who-knows-where?

Event Coordinator: Sounds like it. 

Attendee 4: I thought maybe they were working at your organization, since you all seemed so, well, chummy.

Attendee 2: (Staring into the middle distance) No; no I’m almost positive we’ve never met before today….

Event Coordinator: Well, one of the goals of these conferences is professional networking anyway, so making new contacts is always a good thing.  (Looks toward the front of the room where an attendee is waving wildly for the former’s attention) Oh, I think I’m being told we have to start the business meeting soon.  (Turns back to Attendee 1 and Attendee 2) Nice seeing you two again – enjoy lunch! 

Attendee 4: And tell your new friend we said “Hi!”

(Laughs while both walk over to the main table where lots of papers and awards await; Attendee 1 and Attendee 2 stare at nothing for a few moments)

Attendee 1: Well, this is awkward.

Attendee 2: Yep.

Attendee 1: Should we say something about it?

Attendee 2: Nope.

Attendee 1: Why not?

Attendee 2: Because there is no recovery from this kind of embarrassment.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 490: Extremely Motivational Speaker

(In a large meeting room, tables and chairs are arranged so that lanyard-wearing attendees are facing a podium with a large sign overhead that reads “101^st Annual Office Workers’ Conference”.  One of the attendees finishes setting up the audiovisual system with a venue employee and then grabs a microphone to address the room)

Attendee 1: (Cheerily) Goooood morning, everyone; we’re going to get started – I know most of you came here with the sunrise from all over the state, so I see you have your coffee and tea all set to go!  (Nearly every attendee raises a cup to salute Attendee 1; one attendee pours the cup’s contents into an IV bag and starts the drip; another without a liquid stimulant stares balefully at Attendee 1; another’s head jerks up, awake) Our first speaker today is going to get the ball rolling with an inspirational talk that’ll get us ready to face the rest of the sessions for the next – (Glances at a schedule for the day) 10 hours.  Oh wow, I didn’t realize it was that long when we scheduled these…. Anyway!  Our first speaker gives talks around the world inspiring everyone to do anything; has written 76 bestsellers motivating readers to get off the couch and do something; and is currently working on a fifth Ph.D. in the science of personal fulfillment; please welcome, legally name-changed Dr. Do-It-Now!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Runs up to the front of the room in a blur of confetti, waving wildly at the attendees’ polite muted applause) Hey-hey-hey, folks, it’s great to be here with all you fine people today!  Now, this is going to be an interactive session, so I’m going to be asking you questions; we’re going to have breakout groups; and I’m going to need some volunteers to recount deeply personal experiences in front of their associates here; sound like fun?!  (Everyone else stares back)

Attendee 2: C’mon, pal, it’s 8:00 in the morning and we’ve been up since 3!  (Trails off into a sob while collapsing onto crossed arms on the table)

Attendee 3: (Sitting next to Attendee 2, pats the latter’s shoulder while looking elsewhere; mutters) There, there – get a grip.

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course, we all hesitate when faced with something new, right?  Because New = Unknown = Uncomfortable!  Well, I’m here to get you out of your comfort zone and plunge headfirst into the infinity pool that is Life!  Now, everyone, stand up!  (No one moves) Don’t be shy – that never gets anyone anywhere!  (Attendee 1 stands and gestures frantically for everyone else to do the same; the others stagger up, with Attendee 3 pulling up a sniffling Attendee 2) Perfect!  First, we’re going to do some deep breathing exercises….

 20 MINUTES LATER

(Dr. Do-It-Now and Attendees 4, 5, and 6 are sitting cross-legged in a circle on the podium, holding hands with each other)

Dr. Do-It-Now: Now, don’t you all feel cleansed and rejuvenated after reliving your childhood traumas for your colleagues to hear, hm?

Attendee 4: (Weeping) This has done more for me in minutes than therapy has done for me in years!

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course it has.  (To all three) You can go back to your seats now.  (Stands as the three go back to their seats; to the other attendees) Let’s give them a big round of applause for being our first victims – ha ha, I mean volunteers!  (Everyone applauds)  At this time, I want you all to take the notepads and pens that our hotel hosts generously left here for “free” so you can remember them forever, and start writing down any words you can think of to describe your life as you perceive it now, in one column, and how you want your life to be in a second column, and then in a third column describe how you think others perceive your life, and then in a fourth column how you’d want others to perceive your life, and then in a fifth column any words that appear more than once across the other columns – you have five minutes.  (No one moves) Go-go-go!  (Attendee 2 raises a hand as everyone else starts writing) Yes?

Attendee 2: Is this school?  (Is glared at by Attendee 3)

Dr. Do-It-Now: AHAHAHAHA – you have four-and-a-half-minutes.

 10 MINUTES LATER

Attendee 7: (Standing while reading from the notepad) …and it seems I entered the words “rich,” “lonely,” and “obsessed” a lot; not sure if that means anything.

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Eyes wide with shock, then snaps out of it) That’s wonderful: let’s all give a round of applause for sharing your most private self with us, yay!  (Everyone applauds as Attendee 7 sits, smiling and blushing) Who else would like to share with us?  (Attendee 2 raises a hand again; Attendee 3 looks puzzled) Go right ahead!

Attendee 2: (Stands, clears throat, and turns the notepad around to show that all five columns are blank)

Dr. Do-It-Now: OK!  (Attendee 3 yanks Attendee 2 back down onto the chair and snatches away the notepad and pen)  Anyone else?  (Attendee 1 stands, flashes both hands wide and then one hand while mouthing “15”) Oops, that’s my signal I have 15 minutes left, so I’m going to jump ahead to the Q&A session.  But!  This is not a typical Q&A session, oh no-no-no: instead of asking me about my life, career, goals, and secret sauce, I am going to ask you all about where you want to be in your lives, and whether that where is here.  (Grabs an empty chair, plops it down in front of Attendee 8, sits leaning forward, and stares deeply into the latter’s eyes) Now: tell me everything.

Attendee 8: (Compelled, leans forward to mirror Dr. Do-It-Now) Well, it all started when I started slacking off in 11^th grade….

 15 MINUTES LATER

(The entire room is standing)

Dr. Do-It-Now: I really need you to scream it back at me this time, folks: I AM WORTHY!

Attendees: I AM WORTHY!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Attendees: I DESERVE HAPPINESS!

Dr. Do-It-Now: I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Attendees: I WILL NOT –

Venue Employee: (At the door) Excuse me?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Hello, yes – what’s up?

Venue Employee: Sorry to interrupt, but the guests on the casino floor asked if you all could keep it down a bit in here, please?

Dr. Do-It-Now: Of course!  Please extend my apologies, and wish them all “good luck” for me!

Venue Employee: Thanks, but “luck” isn’t on the company payroll.  (Leaves)

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Whispering) OK, last one.

All: (Whispering) I WILL NOT LET LIFE GET ME DOWN!

Dr. Do-It-Now: (Regular volume) Perfect!  You can sit back down now.  (Everyone else sits as Attendee 1 waves at Dr. Do-It-Now and gestures to another speaker standing by a back door) Well, I see that our time today is up, and your next speaker is on deck – I want to thank you all for the opportunity to change your lives today, and also invite you to visit my Web site listed on your conference materials so you can download copies of those goal journals I discussed earlier; remember to fill them out every day or else they won’t work!

Attendee 2: Homework?!  Arrrrggghhhh!!!!  (Collapses onto arms sobbing again)

Attendee 3: (Rolls eyes and shakes head) Never come with me again to one of these things.

Dr. Do-It-Now: So!  That’s all I’ve got for you today – have a great rest-of-your-conference, folks, and remember to live all of your life to the max!  (Waves wildly at everyone while running out of the room in a blur of confetti; the attendees applaud enthusiastically)

Attendee 1: (Moves to the front of the room with the microphone again) Well, that certainly did the trick for me!  I am now pumped up to face the rest of today, how about you?  (The other attendees cheer) Great!  `Cause here is our next speaker, who teaches at three universities and two high schools, talking to us today about “Budgeting on a Budget,” please welcome, The Professor!

The Professor: (Walks warily to the lectern on the podium to polite muted applause as a slideshow appears on large screens; looks around the room and gestures at the stream of confetti that leads to the door where Dr. Do-It-Now had exited) Now how am I supposed to follow that?!