(On a highway, Friend 1 is driving with Friend 2 in the passenger seat)
Friend 2: (After almost a minute of companionable silence) So, I heard this diner has been getting good reviews, but I must say that unless stuff is burned to a crisp or over-salted, all restaurant food tastes pretty much the same to me.
Friend 1: (Head on a swivel while scanning the sides of the road) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Friend 2: (Looks over at Friend 1) I mean, the meal has to be absolute garbage for me to never eat there again; otherwise, food is food, know-what-I-mean?
Friend 1: (Still scanning) Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Friend 2: (Narrows eyes at Friend 1) I actually do eat garbage on a regular basis, did you know that?
Friend 1: Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Friend 2: Got ya! You’re not paying attention to a word I’m saying.
Friend 1: (Glances over at Friend 2) Sure I am!
Friend 2: Then what’d I say just now?
Friend 1: (Stares straight ahead) …You said... that… you’re garbage.
Friend 2: Seriously?! Why would anyone ever say that about themselves?
Friend 1: I dunno, maybe if one was feeling down and just needed someone to listen.
Friend 2: Which you’re clearly not doing!
Friend 1: Point taken.
Friend 2: (Starts scanning the sides of the road as well) It’s obvious you’re looking for something, so tell me what it is and maybe I can help you find it.
Friend 1: I’d… rather not.
Friend 2: Why not?
Friend 1: Because you won’t approve.
Friend 2: Probably, but since when has that ever stopped you?
Friend 1: True, but I also didn’t want you to hear your… you know….
Friend 2: What?
Friend 1: Judgey tone.
Friend 2: You’re impossible. (Looks out the window) Is it something illegal, then?
Friend 1: …Not anymore.
Friend 2: (Widens eyes in realization) Oh no, you’re not looking for –
Friend 1: THERE IT IS! (Swerves into the right shoulder with no signal and slams on the brakes as passing cars blare their horns)
Friend 2: (Waves ruefully at the cars, looks out the window, and sees a large tent surrounded by colorful signs and banners as Friend 1 dashes out the driver’s side door and loops around to the passenger’s side) Don’t tell me you’re actually buying fireworks?!
Friend 1: (Eyes shift back-and-forth quickly) OK, I won’t tell you.
Friend 2: (Rolls eyes) Ugh.
Friend 1: By the way – got any cash on you?
Friend 2: (Glares at Friend 1) I am not giving you money to get something that’ll blow off a body part more likely than not.
Friend 1: (Squints to read a sign) Oh, never mind – it’s cashless anyway. (Starts to leave)
Friend 2: (Momentarily grabs Friend 1’s hand) Hold on: don’t you remember what happened in high school?
Friend 1: Lots happened in high school – you’re going to have to be more specific.
Friend 2: Roman candle? Football field? Fire departments from five different towns?
Friend 1: (Face clears in remembrance) Oh yeah – that was a great night; too bad about the fines and the suspension and almost not graduating and whatnot.
Friend 2: You got all that because you could’ve really hurt somebody, including yourself! Or burned the place down!
Friend 1: But I didn’t.
Friend 2: But you could’ve, `cause you didn’t know what you were doing!
Friend 1: All right, fine, maybe at the time I was a stupid kid with a brief phase of wannabe pyromania, but I’m so much more mature now.
Friend 2: (Eyebrows go up through hairline) HA!
Friend 1: You’ll see: I know safety precautions now and everything.
Friend 2: Oh really? Since when?
Friend 1: Since I watched a video about it recently and now know all there is to know and everything’ll go perfectly this time – bye! (Trots over to the tent)
Friend 2: (Props an elbow on the car door and leans on one hand) Oh, help.
(After a few minutes, Friend 1 is seen exiting the tent with an armful of various fireworks, dropping them onto the ground, whipping out a candle lighter, and attempting to light a sparkler)
Employee: (Running out of the tent, waving arms wildly, and shaking head) No-no-no, not here, it’ll look like a battle scene if you set all the others off! (Points to a sign that reads “DO NOT SET OFF FIREWORKS WITHIN 100 FEET OF THIS STAND OR YOU WILL REAP WHAT YOU SOW”)
Friend 1: (Still holding the lit lighter and unlit sparkler) Then how do I test that they’re not defective?
Employee: On someone else’s property!
Friend 1: (With a put-upon sigh, shuts off the lighter, gathers up the fireworks, and dumps them into the car’s trunk as Employee watches intently and then returns to the tent; grumbling all the way back into the driver’s seat and slamming the door) – a way to rip off customers, what a racket, let me tell you.
Friend 2: I’m sure they gave you quality colorful ordnances – can we go to lunch now?
Friend 1: Oh
right; forgot about that.
4TH OF JULY
(In Friend 2’s driveway)
Friend 1: (On a small dais surrounded by fireworks) On this, our nation’s birthday, we celebrate the hard-won freedoms that our ancestors, direct or honorary, fought so long and mightily for, with explosive-powder-filled tubes that burst into pretty colors and shapes and go boom to simulate what being in an actual battle surrounded by actual loss of life and limb must’ve felt like.
Friend 2: (Standing off to the side and holding a glass of strong liquid) I can’t believe I agreed to you using my driveway for this.
Friend 1: You said the parking lot of my apartment building was too crowded and someone who was not me would’ve gotten hurt.
Friend 2: I know what I said – I can’t believe it, that’s all.
Friend 1: Token protest acknowledged; it’s your constitutional right. (Friend 2 takes a swig from the glass as Friend 1 raises the candle lighter) Behold! The birth of freedom! (Lights one of the fireworks on the ground and jumps off the dais; the ground spinner immediately whirls around chaotically and skitters to a stop on the lawn) Oops.
Friend 2: Called it. (Lifts up a hose that was in the non-drink-holding hand and drowns the firework)
Friend 1: (Pats Friend 2 on the shoulder once the danger has passed) Good work.
Friend 2: (Turns off the hose and stares at Friend 1) You will gather all the remains, along with their fellows, dump them into this bin – (Toes over a bin that was sitting on the driveway) for the night, and bring them all to the fire station for proper disposal in the morning. You also will check this spot – (Gestures with the hose) every hour on the hour until I am satisfied that nothing is smoldering and the entire neighborhood will not burn down in your misguided attempt at pretend patriotism. In the meantime, we will go inside and watch an actual fireworks show by actual professionals broadcast safely for television while listening to actual patriotic speeches, and get some history and culture and military appreciation while we’re at it. Understood?
Friend 1: (Holding head high to retain some dignity) I suppose, in the name of freedom –
Friend 2: Oh, save it: you just want an excuse to make things go boom.
Friend 1: It’s definitely a side benefit.
