Story 545: Compartmentalization During an Eye Exam

             (In an ophthalmologist’s office, Tech brings Patient to one of the exam rooms)

Tech: (Holding the Patient’s chart, gestures to the big recliner for the Patient to sit) Any changes with your health since your last visit… (Checks the chart) almost 10 years ago?

Patient: (Settles back in the recliner) Yeah, I’m really bad with stuff like that.

Tech: We don’t judge – out loud.  So, any changes?

Patient: (Thinks) Well, I was at this outdoor event last week where it must’ve been over 100° in the shade, and somebody must’ve let their pet horse loose or something because at one point my eyes got so red and itchy and watery like you wouldn’t believe; might’ve been hay or something got in the air during the joust – I mean, during the intense, intense horse race that I had a lot of money riding on.

Tech: (Staring at Patient) …So, no changes.

Patient: (Looks down in shame) No.

Tech: (Writes a note on the chart and sets it on a nearby counter) The Doctor’ll be in shortly, then.  (Leaves immediately, with the exam room door left ajar)

Patient: (Leans over to the chart) I shouldn’t… but I do have a legal right to my own medical records…. (Shakes head) Nah – I’ll play with the space alien contraption instead.  (Swings over the phoropter, mushes face up against it, and starts fiddling with the lenses) Woooooo….

Doctor: (Voice heard down the hall on exiting a nearby exam room) …awful this weekend; I swear, if I have to put up with their garbage another second, I’m gonna lose it for real this time.

Tech: (Voice heard down the hall) When’s the next time you have to see them?

Doctor: About a year, but they keep calling in the meantime and I can’t ignore that.

Tech: Why not?

Doctor: Because the phone’ll keep ringing and I can’t stand it.  I can only hang up on that so many times.

Tech: So block them.

Doctor: You can’t block family!  By the way, bring in the next appointment to Room 4, please – it’s barely 8:00 in the morning and we’re already two hours behind.

Tech: Yes, Doctor.

(A ringtone is heard)

Doctor: Argh, speaking of, here they are again!  I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t take it!... Hi, yes, GO AWAY!  (Breezes into the exam room while shoving a cell phone into a scrubs pocket; Patient is sitting demurely in the recliner, hands folded in lap) Hello there!  Any changes since your last visit in…. (Walks over to the counter and starts reading through the chart)

Patient: Nope; no changes!

Doctor: Great!  (Sits on a stool at the counter and starts entering volumes of notes onto the chart; after a few minutes of standard questions) Let’s check the ol’ vision, shall we?  (Scoots over to the recliner, swings over the phoropter, and wipes it with a disinfectant cloth) Press your face up against this, please.  (Patient does so as Doctor fiddles with the lenses) Hmmm, someone’s been messing around with the lenses again….

Patient: (With upper face mushed up against the metal mask and mouth exposed at the bottom) Heh-heh, can’t trust anybody nowadays, can you.

Doctor: Hm.  (Finishes fiddling, then lowers a mini-eye chart that is attached to the device) All right, which is worse, one – (Flips lenses) or two?

Patient: Ummmm… one?  No, two!

Doctor: Trick question: they’re exactly the same.

Patient: Oh.  Oops.

            (A ringtone is heard from Doctor’s scrubs)

Doctor: (Sighs quietly in disgust) Excuse me one second, would you?

Patient: Uhhhh, sure.

Doctor: Thanks.  (Takes out the phone and forcefully swipes while hissing) Take that, demon!  (Returns the phone to the scrubs pocket) Sorry about that – now, the real test begins, I promise.  (Does a few more checks, then swings back the phoropter and places drops in Patient’s eyes) OK, your eyes are now numb so hold still while I poke them to check the pressure.

Patient: Huh?

Doctor: Relax, it’s testing for glaucoma – you won’t feel a thing, just ignore every natural instinct to protect your eyes from danger and you’ll be fine.  (Swings over a tonometer, wipes it down, and gestures for Patient to lean forward while a device with a blue light shines in Patient’s eyes and Doctor also leans forward from the other side) Now – DON’T MOVE.

Patient: (Head is immobilized by forehead and chin rests on the device) <Gulp>

Tech: (Raps once on the door) Sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but multiple phone calls have come in on the office line for you and we can’t get a thing done out there.

Doctor: (Still leaning forward and staring into Patient’s eyes) And you told them that patients’ very important vision is at stake here, yes?

Tech: Yes – they didn’t care.

Doctor: …I’ll take it in here.  (Tech leaves; to Patient) Bear with me, please.  (Leans toward the counter to pick up a desk phone’s receiver and immediately returns to the tonometer, continuing the glaucoma test) WHAT?!  (To Patient) Keep your eyes open, please.  (Moves the blue light device to the other eye as a loud, unintelligible voice is heard over the phone; to the phone) Any time you call is inconvenient!

Patient: Um, I can wait a few minutes while you –

Doctor: (To Patient) Absolutely not: the patient is always the top priority.  (Swings away the tonometer) And we’re done with this part; follow me, please.  (With the phone cord stretching down the hallway, leads Patient to a room that has a retinal imager on a table; the two sit on opposite sides; to the phone while wiping down the chin rest on Patient’s side) Listen, I don’t care what you think you heard, we are not going through this again – (To Patient) Lean forward, please – (To the phone) You tell them that their behavior is completely unacceptable and I don’t care if they never speak to me again; in fact, I’d rather they didn’t!  (To Patient) Stare at the giant dot on the screen and whatever you do, DO NOT BLINK.  (To the phone) Yes, I’m listening, unfortunately!  (To Patient) Hold still, please – you’ll see a blinding light in a few seconds.  (To the phone) No, I wasn’t talking to you just then; not everything’s all about you, you know!

Patient: (Blinks as light flashes into one eye) Oh sorry; I blinked.

Doctor: It happens; we’ll take another one.  (To the phone) What, I can’t be civil and decent to a patient?!... No, this isn’t a HIPAA violation; I haven’t disclosed any patient identifiers that you’d be able to figure out!  You’ve got some nerve, you know that?!  (To Patient) Try not to blink now, here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  (To the phone) I’m taking retinal images, nosy!  You literally just said – !  (To Patient as the machine slides slightly along the table) Same thing; stare at the big dot; try not to blink – (To the phone) It checks for wear and tear in the eye, if you must know; want me to use it on you?!  (To Patient) Here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great!  You can lean back now.  (Types on a keyboard to display the images on a large screen; to the phone) Yeah, well maybe if you’d had me examine your eyes years ago, you wouldn’t be complaining how fuzzy the world keeps getting, ever think of that?!  (To Patient) Everything looks great – I’ll send over someone to give you a field test but other than that, see you next year.  (To the phone while standing) You’re so rude – I can’t believe we’re related by blood!  (Leaves)

(Patient remains seated for a few moments in uncertainty, then stands when Tech enters)

Tech: All done?  I was told you just need a field test?

Patient: Yeah, that should wrap it up – I get to keep my vision for another year I guess, heh-heh-heh.

Tech: Oh yeah, heh-heh – this way, please.

(They both walk down the hall to another room with another machine, passing an exam room with the phone cord trailing out and Doctor’s voice alternating in intensity)

Patient: (Gestures to the room) Family drama, eh?

Tech: Huh?  Oh, yeah – happens every birthday; we barely even notice anymore.

Story 394: Accidental Super-Vision

 (In an inner room at an Ophthalmologist’s office, Patient sits in an exam chair and swings the freakish lens instrument back and forth in agitation until the doctor enters)

Ophthalmologist: (Carries a chart in one hand and closes the door with the other) Sorry for the wait – please leave the phoroptor alone –

Patient: (Stops swinging the instrument and starts bouncing a foot on the chair) Hi Doc, I know it’s backed up here with people’s unexpected issues and what-not, but five hours is a bit of a time commitment for just an annual exam, and I’ve gotta go be anywhere else but here so can I please leave nowwwww????!!!

Ophthalmologist: (Removing several printed images from the chart) Yes, about the exam –

Patient: (Half rising out of the chair) Everything looks all right – vision’s unchanged – literally see you next year – bye?

Ophthalmologist: Well…. (Points to one of the images) These spots are showing up now that weren’t there last year.

Patient: (Grabs the image and states at it for a few moments) So, bottom line: am I going blind in the next six months?

Ophthalmologist: No; it could be that nothing will ever happen with these either, but if you’re concerned about macular degeneration then you should start taking these multivitamins to slow down any possible damage that may – may, mind you – be happening.  (Hands Patient a list from the chart) And of course wear sunglasses when it’s bright out and eat healthy food and all that common-sense stuff.

Patient: (Briefly scans the list before shoving it into a pocket and running out the door) Great; just don’t try to sell me laser surgery yet; I already gave my co-pay at the front desk; bill my insurance company for the rest; byeeeee!!!! (Rushes to a very important appointment with a living room couch, a television episode, and lots of popcorn)

 THE NEXT DAY

(At a pharmacy, Patient wanders the multivitamin aisle)

Employee: Hello, do you need help finding anything?

Patient: Hi, yes, thank you – I need all the vitamins.

Employee: A multivitamin?

Patient: Yes!  That one.  Specifically for this.  (Hands over the list)

Employee: (Reads the notes) Oh, this is for eye care.

Patient: Yeah-yeah-yeah, I need the eye stuff, you guys got any?

Employee: (Brings Patient to another part of the aisle and points to part of a shelf) These are for eye health: I have to warn you that few are FDA-approved, but they say whether they are or not on the box – you also should check the ingredients to see if they match what you need.

Patient: (Grabs a few boxes to read them quickly, keeps one and shoves the others back onto the shelf) This’ll do – thanks for your help!

Employee: (Quickly peers at the box in Patient’s hand) Uh, this is for treating advanced macular degeneration – I thought your paper said this was more for prevention?

Patient: (Running toward the cashier) Po-tay-to, po-tah-to – it’s just vitamins, can’t hurt, right?

 ONE WEEK LATER

 (In an office, Coworker walks to Patient’s cubicle and watches the latter staring at the computer screen)

Coworker: Hey.

Patient: (Still staring at the screen) `Sup.

Coworker: You still working on that report I asked you for two days ago?  `Cause I really needed it two days ago.  I pushed it back with it being Memorial Day this week, but I’m pretty certain you were just recovering from a beach trip instead of any actual holiday observances.

Patient: What? (Looks at Coworker) Oh, right, sorry, got a bit distracted there.

Coworker: (Leans over to look at the screen) You’re not watching porn on that, are you?

Patient: What?!  No!

Coworker: Too bad – for a second I thought someone’d finally figured out how to do it.

Patient: No, it’s just – (Scootches chair over to Coworker, briefly looks around the office, and whispers) do you notice anything different… everywhere?

Coworker: Everything’s different every day.

Patient: No, I mean – (Waves a hand in the air) When you look around, do the… colors seem different to you lately?

Coworker: I’m color blind.

Patient: Ah, sorry, it’s just – (Points to the computer screen) when I look at that, or any screen now, I’m starting to see… more.  Like all these lines, and colors but not really colors, they’re… I don’t know how to describe them.

Coworker: (Laughs) What, you think you’re starting to see outside of the visible spectrum?

Patient: (Stands in realization) Yes!  That is exactly what I’m seeing!  I mean, even looking at you now, I can see your healed broken elbow, and your messed-up liver, and your really messed-up stomach, and your –

Coworker: (Holds hands to cover up body) Whoa there, this is skirting workplace harassment territory!  I think – it’s a little unprecedented.

Patient: Sorry, it’s just all soooo…. (Stares around the office in awe) beautiful.

Coworker: Are you on something?

Patient: Hm?  Oh, just some vitamins.  (Grabs the bottle off the desk and hands it to Coworker) My eye doctor recommended them to head off losing my vision down the road; you think maybe they’re the ones doing this?

Coworker: (Reads the label) These are really strong!  It says they’re for someone with advanced eye disease!

Patient: (Picks up a ringing cell phone and stares at the waves emanating from it) Yeah, so?

Coworker: So these are probably too strong for you if you don’t need them!

Patient: What’re you talking about?  It’s got the same stuff Doc told me to get.  (Takes the list from a pants pocket and hands it to Coworker)

Coworker: (Scans the list, then shakes the bottle at Patient) These have triple the amounts your doctor told you to get!

Patient: Oh.  I thought that meant I had to take three at a time then.

Coworker: Three at a – ?!  If anything, you should’ve taken a third of each!

Patient: Oh.  Well, math never was my strong suit.  (Suddenly looks into the distance) Ooh, another solar flare, neat!

Coworker: You should stop taking these right now, and you probably should go visit an emergency department or urgent care center to make sure you haven’t poisoned yourself!

Patient: What for?  A week ago I thought I was gonna go blind, and now I can see everything!  And I do mean everything.  (Leans toward Coworker conspiratorially) Do you know how many people on this floor are using the company’s Wi-Fi to gamble online as we speak?   A lot more than 0.

Coworker: Listen: from what you’re saying this could actually wind up damaging your eyes very badly, and maybe even your heart, and maybe even all your organs – please go see a doctor!

Patient: Ironically, seeing a doctor is what started all this.  (Thinks for a few moments) You know, I have a better idea.

Coworker: This is the only idea!

Patient: Hear me out: instead of spending hours and hours again waiting just to be given more bad news, I think I really have no choice but to become a superhero.

Coworker: …What?!

Patient: If I’ve been granted super-vision in place of no vision, then clearly I’m meant to save the world with it.

Coworker: (Sighs in defeat and hands the bottle and list back to Patient) Fine – could you at least send me that report I’ve asked you multiple times for before you take off to save humanity?

Patient: Oh right, sure!  (Darts back into the cubicle and sits at the desk) The literal vibes coming off this thing are starting to freak me out, though.  Oh, and before you go?

Coworker: Yes?

Patient: You might want to go see a doctor yourself about that fever you have going on – the infrared all around you is outta control!

Coworker: (Wipes sweating forehead) Forget saving the world: you can hire yourself out as a personal medical scanner.

Patient: Sweet!  Instead of being a superhero, I can be super-rich!