(In a doctor’s office, a medical assistant leads a patient to an exam room)
Medical Assistant: (Remains at the door and nods at the exam table) You can have a seat – the doctor’ll be in as soon as possible.
Patient: (Hops backward onto the table) Yeah, I saw that waiting room – so you think an hour and a half; two, tops? (Laughs)
Medical Assistant: Ahahahahaha – ! (Starts weeping while closing the door)
(Patient stares at the door for a few moments, then shakes head and glances around the room for a distraction)
Patient: (Spots a magazine rack) Sweet. (Grabs a few issues and skims the cover headlines, stopping at one that reads: “Manly Men Mess: Boy Band Breakup??!!!!”) Ooh, scandal. (Tosses the other magazines back into the rack and begins reading the article greedily)
TEN MINUTES LATER
Patient: (Squinting at the tiny print, muttering) Wait a sec, I thought he already went to college?... Oh, he’s going for his master’s now; good for him. (Hears footsteps heading toward the door; throws the magazine into the rack and reclines casually back on the table) And just when it was gettin’ good.
(Voices are heard outside the door)
Doctor: Where’d you say it was?
Medical Assistant: The office next to Exam 2.
Doctor: Show me.
Patient: (Looks around the room again) Is this Exam 2?
(Voices now are heard from the next room)
Doctor: So where is it?
Medical Assistant: Here.
(Sounds of furniture being roughly moved around)
Doctor: Ah shoot, again?! I thought we had this fixed last time!
Medical Assistant: It was fixed, but now it’s back.
(More sounds of furniture moving)
Doctor: I can’t deal with this right now, we’ve got a full schedule today and 50 walk-ins!
Medical Assistant: I know, but we can’t just leave this either, it’s gonna –
Doctor: I know what it’s gonna do, just let me think for a minute! How soon can the… you know… fixer-person come in and fix this?
Medical Assistant: I haven’t called yet, but last time we had to wait almost a week.
Doctor: A week?! This needs to be fixed yesterday!
(Sounds of a cell phone being dialed)
Medical Assistant: I’ll call now and say it’s an emergency –
Doctor: Darn tootin’ it is! Sorry, I’m a little more stressed than usual.
Medical Assistant: I hadn’t noticed a difference…. Yes, it’s us again…. Yes, it happened again.
(Sounds of floorboards being ripped up)
Doctor: Tell them it’s so much bigger this time!
Medical Assistant: It’s gotten bigger…. Doctor, they say they can be here 2:00 tomorrow.
(A large RIP! and CRASH! as a floorboard is tossed across the room)
Doctor: Nope! We need a stat consult NOW!
Medical Assistant: Don’t suppose you could come over now?
(Rhythmic banging noises echo on what sound like metal pipes and wooden floors)
Doctor: C’mon! (BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!) I’ll get you, you little –
Medical Assistant: Hold on a moment, please – Doctor, there’s a patient in Exam 2 who can probably hear this.
Doctor: Huh? Oh, just tell `em everything’s fine. (BANG! BANG! BANG!)
Medical Assistant: It may sound better coming from you.
Doctor: No, it won’t, they’ll just think I’m coming in for the exam and get angry that I’m not!
Medical Assistant: All right.
(Footsteps approach the door; Patient hurries away from having an ear against the wall to hop back onto the table)
Medical Assistant: (Opens the door with the hand not holding the cell phone, enters quickly, and closes it again) Hi – have you heard anything… unusual from the other room?
Patient: A little bit, yeah.
Medical Assistant: Well, don’t be alarmed: it’s just a minor repair in one of the offices –
(BANG!)
Medical Assistant: (Winces) Nothing to worry about.
(SCREEEEEEEEECH!!!!!)
Doctor: AHA! I have you now!
Medical Assistant: Everything’s under control.
Voice From Cell Phone: Doesn’t sound like it from here.
Medical Assistant: (Into the phone) I’ll call you back in a few minutes. (Disconnects the call)
Patient: Should I reschedule?
Medical Assistant: I wouldn’t – we’re booked solid for the next two years.
(A large SLAM! rattles the room)
Medical Assistant: Sit tight! (Rushes out of the room and gently closes the door)
Doctor: All good? (BANG-BANG-BANG-)
Medical Assistant: Not really: the patient wants to reschedule and I hate to think what the ones in the waiting room are doing right now.
Doctor: Whatever; they can always come back if this scares them off for some reason – we have appointments six days a week and I haven’t taken a vacation in SEVEN YEARS! (SCREEEEECH – POP) Oops.
Medical Assistant: Quick, get it before it’s too late!
Doctor: Take that! (CRASH!) And that! (CRASH!) And that! That! That! (CRASH-CRASH-CRASH!) I’VE NEVER FELT SO ALIIIIIIIIVE!!!!
(The crashing and banging and screeching and ripping continue unabated; Patient picks up the thrown magazine, lies down on the table, and resumes reading the interrupted article)
Patient: (Starts nodding in time with the sounds of destruction) It’s almost soothing….
