(In an ophthalmologist’s office, Tech brings Patient to one of the exam rooms)
Tech: (Holding the Patient’s chart, gestures to the big recliner for the Patient to sit) Any changes with your health since your last visit… (Checks the chart) almost 10 years ago?
Patient: (Settles back in the recliner) Yeah, I’m really bad with stuff like that.
Tech: We don’t judge – out loud. So, any changes?
Patient: (Thinks) Well, I was at this outdoor event last week where it must’ve been over 100° in the shade, and somebody must’ve let their pet horse loose or something because at one point my eyes got so red and itchy and watery like you wouldn’t believe; might’ve been hay or something got in the air during the joust – I mean, during the intense, intense horse race that I had a lot of money riding on.
Tech: (Staring at Patient) …So, no changes.
Patient: (Looks down in shame) No.
Tech: (Writes a note on the chart and sets it on a nearby counter) The Doctor’ll be in shortly, then. (Leaves immediately, with the exam room door left ajar)
Patient: (Leans over to the chart) I shouldn’t… but I do have a legal right to my own medical records…. (Shakes head) Nah – I’ll play with the space alien contraption instead. (Swings over the phoropter, mushes face up against it, and starts fiddling with the lenses) Woooooo….
Doctor: (Voice heard down the hall on exiting a nearby exam room) …awful this weekend; I swear, if I have to put up with their garbage another second, I’m gonna lose it for real this time.
Tech: (Voice heard down the hall) When’s the next time you have to see them?
Doctor: About a year, but they keep calling in the meantime and I can’t ignore that.
Tech: Why not?
Doctor: Because the phone’ll keep ringing and I can’t stand it. I can only hang up on that so many times.
Tech: So block them.
Doctor: You can’t block family! By the way, bring in the next appointment to Room 4, please – it’s barely 8:00 in the morning and we’re already two hours behind.
Tech: Yes, Doctor.
(A ringtone is heard)
Doctor: Argh, speaking of, here they are again! I can’t take it anymore, I just can’t take it!... Hi, yes, GO AWAY! (Breezes into the exam room while shoving a cell phone into a scrubs pocket; Patient is sitting demurely in the recliner, hands folded in lap) Hello there! Any changes since your last visit in…. (Walks over to the counter and starts reading through the chart)
Patient: Nope; no changes!
Doctor: Great! (Sits on a stool at the counter and starts entering volumes of notes onto the chart; after a few minutes of standard questions) Let’s check the ol’ vision, shall we? (Scoots over to the recliner, swings over the phoropter, and wipes it with a disinfectant cloth) Press your face up against this, please. (Patient does so as Doctor fiddles with the lenses) Hmmm, someone’s been messing around with the lenses again….
Patient: (With upper face mushed up against the metal mask and mouth exposed at the bottom) Heh-heh, can’t trust anybody nowadays, can you.
Doctor: Hm. (Finishes fiddling, then lowers a mini-eye chart that is attached to the device) All right, which is worse, one – (Flips lenses) or two?
Patient: Ummmm… one? No, two!
Doctor: Trick question: they’re exactly the same.
Patient: Oh. Oops.
(A ringtone is heard from Doctor’s scrubs)
Doctor: (Sighs quietly in disgust) Excuse me one second, would you?
Patient: Uhhhh, sure.
Doctor: Thanks. (Takes out the phone and forcefully swipes while hissing) Take that, demon! (Returns the phone to the scrubs pocket) Sorry about that – now, the real test begins, I promise. (Does a few more checks, then swings back the phoropter and places drops in Patient’s eyes) OK, your eyes are now numb so hold still while I poke them to check the pressure.
Patient: Huh?
Doctor: Relax, it’s testing for glaucoma – you won’t feel a thing, just ignore every natural instinct to protect your eyes from danger and you’ll be fine. (Swings over a tonometer, wipes it down, and gestures for Patient to lean forward while a device with a blue light shines in Patient’s eyes and Doctor also leans forward from the other side) Now – DON’T MOVE.
Patient: (Head is immobilized by forehead and chin rests on the device) <Gulp>
Tech: (Raps once on the door) Sorry to interrupt, Doctor, but multiple phone calls have come in on the office line for you and we can’t get a thing done out there.
Doctor: (Still leaning forward and staring into Patient’s eyes) And you told them that patients’ very important vision is at stake here, yes?
Tech: Yes – they didn’t care.
Doctor: …I’ll take it in here. (Tech leaves; to Patient) Bear with me, please. (Leans toward the counter to pick up a desk phone’s receiver and immediately returns to the tonometer, continuing the glaucoma test) WHAT?! (To Patient) Keep your eyes open, please. (Moves the blue light device to the other eye as a loud, unintelligible voice is heard over the phone; to the phone) Any time you call is inconvenient!
Patient: Um, I can wait a few minutes while you –
Doctor: (To Patient) Absolutely not: the patient is always the top priority. (Swings away the tonometer) And we’re done with this part; follow me, please. (With the phone cord stretching down the hallway, leads Patient to a room that has a retinal imager on a table; the two sit on opposite sides; to the phone while wiping down the chin rest on Patient’s side) Listen, I don’t care what you think you heard, we are not going through this again – (To Patient) Lean forward, please – (To the phone) You tell them that their behavior is completely unacceptable and I don’t care if they never speak to me again; in fact, I’d rather they didn’t! (To Patient) Stare at the giant dot on the screen and whatever you do, DO NOT BLINK. (To the phone) Yes, I’m listening, unfortunately! (To Patient) Hold still, please – you’ll see a blinding light in a few seconds. (To the phone) No, I wasn’t talking to you just then; not everything’s all about you, you know!
Patient: (Blinks as light flashes into one eye) Oh sorry; I blinked.
Doctor: It happens; we’ll take another one. (To the phone) What, I can’t be civil and decent to a patient?!... No, this isn’t a HIPAA violation; I haven’t disclosed any patient identifiers that you’d be able to figure out! You’ve got some nerve, you know that?! (To Patient) Try not to blink now, here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great! (To the phone) I’m taking retinal images, nosy! You literally just said – ! (To Patient as the machine slides slightly along the table) Same thing; stare at the big dot; try not to blink – (To the phone) It checks for wear and tear in the eye, if you must know; want me to use it on you?! (To Patient) Here we go, three-two-one – (Light flashes) Great! You can lean back now. (Types on a keyboard to display the images on a large screen; to the phone) Yeah, well maybe if you’d had me examine your eyes years ago, you wouldn’t be complaining how fuzzy the world keeps getting, ever think of that?! (To Patient) Everything looks great – I’ll send over someone to give you a field test but other than that, see you next year. (To the phone while standing) You’re so rude – I can’t believe we’re related by blood! (Leaves)
(Patient remains seated for a few moments in uncertainty, then stands when Tech enters)
Tech: All done? I was told you just need a field test?
Patient: Yeah, that should wrap it up – I get to keep my vision for another year I guess, heh-heh-heh.
Tech: Oh yeah, heh-heh – this way, please.
(They both walk down the hall to another room with another machine, passing an exam room with the phone cord trailing out and Doctor’s voice alternating in intensity)
Patient: (Gestures to the room) Family drama, eh?
Tech: Huh? Oh, yeah – happens every birthday; we barely even notice anymore.
