JULY
(In a department store)
Coworker 1: (Smiling at a customer while completing a transaction at the front cash register) Thank you for shopping with us; have a nice day!
Customer 1: (Takes purchase) Thanks, you too – oh, I forgot to bring a bag.
Coworker 1: That’s OK: we sell them for $5 a pop. (Holds up an assortment)
Customer 1: No thanks – I’ll suffer the consequences of my inaction. (Scoops up the unwieldy purchase and staggers out the door)
Coworker 1: (Settles the for-sale bags back onto the counter) Sure thing! Enjoy your day! (Stares after where the customer had left the store) Siiiiiiiigh.
Coworker 2: (At the register next to Coworker 1, after completing a transaction with another customer) I missed what happened; was that another “unpleasant interaction”?
Coworker 1: (Turns to Coworker 2) Hm? Oh, no, that one was fine – (Gestures at the large front window near the entrance/exit) I was just staring at the glorious summer evening out there, with the sherbert-colored sky and the single fireflies signaling their need for a date and the hazy red moon heralding another scorcher tomorrow, and pining to be a part of it all.
Coworker 2: You have a day off tomorrow.
Coworker 1: I know, but too few of them, too few! Before you know it, it’s Back-to-School and Halloween and falling leaves and long pants and long sleeves and short days and longer nights. It’s depressing.
Coworker 2: Hate to break it to you, but we’re already at the point of the first two items on your list. (Points to prominent Back-to-School and Halloween displays)
Coworker 1: Don’t remind me – I’m the one who had to put those up!
Coworker 2: As for those other things, if it makes you feel any better, the Southern Hemisphere is in the middle of winter as we speak.
Coworker 1: Which means they have summer to look forward to just around the orbital corner! I’m jealous.
Coworker 2: Well, there’s no bypassing the ennui march of the seasons, so what do you want?
Coworker 1: I don’t know; I want – no, I wish that summer could last forever, that’s all!
Coworker 2: (Thinks for a few moments, then shrugs) OK, you got it.
Coworker 1: Ha-ha, I wish.
Coworker 2: I know – you got it.
Coworker 1: …What?
Coworker 2: You made a wish, and I grant those, so – there you go.
Coworker 1: You’re kidding, right?
Coworker 2: I wish – ugh – I was: you took forever to actually make a wish so I’ve been extremely bored for a long time. Probably should’ve told you who I was when I first came on staff here though, so that’s on me.
Coworker 1: You’ve gotta be pulling my leg.
Coworker 2: Nope: your wish, my command, all that. Better enjoy it, `cause you only get the one.
Coworker 1: (Takes a vibrating cell phone out of a pants pocket and reads aloud a news alert, eyes widening in shock) “Breaking News: Scientists discover that the Earth is permanently tilted on its axis and will remain so for its entire orbit around the Sun from this moment onward, leaving the Northern Hemisphere in permanent summer and the Southern Hemisphere in permanent winter. The scientific community’s general response is muted panic.” (Slowly lowers the phone and stares out into the middle distance) Wow.
Coworker 2: Told you – no one ever believes me the first time.
Coworker 1: (Still staring) Permanent summer….
Coworker 2: By the way, you get one undo in case you change your mind in the first five minutes – considering the global ramifications of this wish, are you sure you still want it?
Coworker 1: (Finally turns back to Coworker 2) I want permanent summer!
Coworker 2: Suit
yourself.
OCTOBER
(On the phone)
Manager: Let me guess: you’re calling out sick again.
Coworker 1: (Stuck in beach traffic) Yes – [cough] – I’ve got – [cough] – this horrible – [cough] – cough –
Manager: I can hear seagulls and blaring car horns in the background.
Coworker 1: All right, fine: I’m allergic to work and it’s a glorious beach day that I’d be a fool to pass up.
Manager: Even though the fees have been extended to all year long now?
Coworker 1: Hey, lifeguards’ve gotta get paid, too! And you wouldn’t believe how crowded it still is here – I think all the school kids called out sick, too.
Manager: Probably, since today’s Halloween – I’m sure they couldn’t resist cramming in beach and candy.
Coworker 1: Halloween, huh? Can’t say I miss the previously accompanying chill in the air – byeeee! (Ends the call, skids into a parking lot 30 minutes later, hauls gear to the beach, sets up an umbrella, chair, and cooler, and watches the waves while reclining back) Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhh… this is the life.
(A small ghost and goblin carrying large bags approach Coworker 1)
Ghost and Goblin: Trick or treat!
Coworker 1:
(Without moving) Scram, multitaskers.
NOVEMBER
(At a Thanksgiving dinner)
Relative 1: (Wiping sweat from brow while carving a turkey at the dining room table) Anyone else is free to take over at any time.
Coworker 1: (Snacking on cranberry sauce) No thanks – want me to turn up the fan?
Relative 1: Please. (Struggles to carve as Coworker 1 turns up a nearby oscillating fan; others at the table continue to fan themselves with their plates)
Relative 2: Maybe we should’ve sprung for cold cuts this year instead.
Relative 1: (Slams the carving knife, handle-end down, onto the table) NEVER!
Coworker 1: (Drinks iced tea) Well, at least it’s not snowing like that one time 30 years ago.
(Relatives all stop and gaze wistfully at nothing)
Relatives: Snow….
Coworker 1: (Gulps iced tea) A possible downside.
Relative 1: What?
Coworker 1:
What?
DECEMBER
(In the department store)
Coworker 2: (At the cash register next to Coworker 1; both are wearing Santa hats, T-shirts, and shorts while ringing up lines of uncomfortably overheated customers) So, I heard that Australia and New Zealand offered to provide tips on how to celebrate the winter holidays when it’s 90°F out and our air conditioning’s broken again.
Coworker 1: (Briefly takes off the hat to wipe off sweat) Ho, ho, ho.
Coworker 2: Of course, they’re a bit busy with the alternating blizzards, rainstorms, cyclones, frosts, and brief heat waves that show no end in sight.
Coworker 1: Your point?
Coworker 2: Just saying, all that and our slowly melting infrastructure and increasing numbers of hurricanes, tornados, floods, skin cancer rates, burnt-out crops, and evaporating water sources up here all could’ve been easily avoided – well, at least lessened a bit since they were happening anyway – if it weren’t for one person’s selfish, juvenile, thoughtless little wish.
Coworker 1: First of all, you’re the one who granted it.
Coworker 2: Under duress – you think I like my job? Either of them? (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Here you go; have a nice day!
Customer 2: (Almost starts crying) It’ll never be nice again! (Leaves)
Coworker 2: (To Coworker 1) See?
Coworker 1: (Glares at Coworker 2) Second of all, summer’s amazing and awesome, and you’re the one who ruined it!
Coworker 2: Summer, in this part of the world, is supposed to end at some point – you wanted it to last unnaturally forever, so now the only part of the globe that is mildly unaffected by all this is the Equator, and even they’re getting a little antsy there with everything that’s been going on.
Coworker 1: Whatever – I regret nothing, and on New Year’s Eve I’m going to celebrate with a hot dog and a giant ice cream sundae!
Coworker 2: Yes, that’ll definitely make all of this worthwhile.
Coworker 1: (Handing over a purchase to a customer) Have a nice day – aw, who’m I kidding? – stay cool!
Customer 3: What’s cool? (Leaves)
Coworker 1: (Hisses to Coworker 2) What do you want me to do?! You said I only get the one wish and I could only undo it in the first five minutes!
Coworker 2: (Stares at Coworker 1) You really want to undo it?
Coworker 1: Of course I do! I’m stuck in beach traffic jams every day of the year now!
Coworker 2: Really.
Coworker 1: But you said I couldn’t undo it!
Coworker 2: Well….
Coworker 1: “Well” what?!
Coworker 2: I
didn’t think you’d actually get to this point, to be honest.
JULY
Coworker 1: I want – no, I wish that summer could last forev-ohhhhhh…. (Looks around in realization, then back at Coworker 2) You did it?! I mean, you undid it?!
Coworker 2: Undid what?
Coworker 1: The wish!
Coworker 2: What wish?
Coworker 1: (Taps nose and winks knowingly at Coworker 2) Got it. You won’t hear another word out of me.
Coworker 2: Good – you can be real exhausting sometimes.
