Story 583: Drama On-Screen, Drama Off-Screen

 [Not inspired by a true story; just a parody of a sci-fi show’s on- and off-screen shenanigans]

(On the bridge of a starship in the distant future, when all of Earth’s major problems have been solved but the universe still has most of them; most of the crew members are human and from the U.S.A.; and all ship’s systems work perfectly – until they don’t)

Captain: (Sitting relaxed in The Big Chair) Well, now that the crisis with the Betelgeusian Empire has been averted once again, let’s get back to our real jobs of exploring every last bit of space dust out there.

First Officer: (Sitting in a nearby Not-As-Big-Chair) I couldn’t agree more, Cap’n.

Captain: (Swivels chair to face a side bank of computers where several crew members continuously tap lots of buttons, and addresses a mechanical being seated there) Commander A.I.: What’s the nearest star system we haven’t poked our heads in on yet?

Commander A.I.: (Swivels chair to face Captain) The closest to this vessel would be the binary system designated HD 93308, Captain.

Captain: Eh?

Commander A.I.: The name more commonly used by your species would be Eta Carinae.

Captain: Great, splendid, thanks – go back to your space experiments or robot supremacy manifesto or whatever it is you do all day.

Commander A.I.: Acknowledged.  (Swivels back to continue manifesto titled Someday I Will Be Captain)

Captain: (Swivels chair to face the front of the bridge) Helm: set a course for Eta Carinae, maximum close-but-not-quite-light speed, and get us there ASAP!

Helm: (Stationed in front of the main viewscreen) Aye, Captain: setting course.  (Taps a bunch of buttons)

Tactical Officer: (Sitting at a station in the back of the bridge) Captain, I must protest this decision – we have no idea what is in that system; the inhabitants could vaporize us the moment we arrive!

Captain: (Without turning around) Noted and ignored.  (To Helm) Proceed ASAP!

Helm: Aye-aye, Captain: off we go!

(The ship powers up for close-but-not-quite-light speed, then suddenly powers down)

First Officer: (To Captain) Did we forget to fill up the tank at the last port?

Captain: (Taps an intercom button) Engineering!  What is going on down there?!

Chief Engineer: (Voice) I have no idea, Captain!  One minute everything was working; next minute everything is kaput!  I’ll have to rebuild the entire engine from scratch, and I have no idea why!  (Sounds of weeping and wailing from the entire Engineering department is heard)

Captain: All right, tell your team to pull themselves together and rebuild the engine – shouldn’t take more than a few hours, right?

Chief Engineer: It’s completely fried, Captain!  This’ll take weeks, if not years!

Captain: Hm.  In that case, call me back when you have better news.  (Taps the intercom button off and turns to First Officer) Wonder how something like this could’ve happened?

First Officer: (Shrugs) I dunno – everything always works perfectly here, so the only possibly explanation is outside saboteur.

(A crew member with cranial appendages not found on humans stands up at a station on the opposite side bank of computers)

Science Officer: Not quite!  The cause is an inside saboteur!

Captain: Oh, that’s good to know – who is it?

Science Officer: …Me.

Captain: Oh, thanks for telling us, then – wait, what?!  Why?!

Science Officer: Isn’t it obvious?  I loathe you all with every ounce of my being!

Captain: Since when?!  We just celebrated your birthday last week and you said you had a blast!

Science Officer: Only to conceal my inner rage!

(By now the entire bridge crew has stopped tapping buttons and swiveled their chairs around to watch this conversation)

First Officer: Hang on: you and I bonded only days ago when we crash-landed on that desert moon, and you even said that you admired my bravery and resourcefulness and all that stuff!

Science Officer: Yes, well… I meant that, but I still loathe you all!

Captain: But why, I ask again?!

Science Officer: Because your humans-only clique never really let me in as a true member!

Captain: Well, we tried our darndest, but in some areas your species is just too weird for us to handle, OK!  Get over it!

Science Officer: Never!  (Taps the ship-wide intercom button) Attention, crew members, civilian contractors, passengers, and children who really shouldn’t be out in space while still maturing and with all the dangers we encounter regularly: I despise every last one of you, and soon I will have my revenge!

Captain: (Stands) Unacceptable!

Science Officer: And furthermore, I am taking full command of this vessel, and will soon commence with punishing you all in horrible ways, and – (Clears throat) and – (Sighs heavily)

Captain: Yes?

“Science Officer”: (Slowly sits) I’m sorry, I can’t do this.

Captain: Whaddya mean, Lieutenant?

“Science Officer”: I mean, I can’t convincingly play a character who’s suddenly an undercover malcontent since the beginning of the series and decided long ago to turn traitor, when I’ve been best buds with everyone up until this episode and you never gave me any notes before now saying otherwise!

“Captain”: (To the ceiling) Cut!  (Sits down; back to “Science Officer”) Well, as I explained at the table read, we’ve been on for five seasons and need to shake things up a bit – “secret traitor” is storyline gold, so sorry that you drew the short straw on that but this is the only way to keep our show relevant, the fans’ll talk about it for years if not forever, and it really does make sense for your character if you think about it.

“Science Officer”: No it doesn’t!  It makes zero sense with the way the character’s arc has developed so far, and now the audience is gonna hate both the character and me because most can’t separate the two!

“Captain”: That’s not true!  Most will just hate the character and feel sorry for you; take the win.

“Science Officer”: You just want to write me off the show, is that it?!

“Captain”: Don’t be absurd – I’d’ve killed off your character between seasons so I’d never have to see you again if I’d wanted to write you off the show!

“Commander A.I.”: Excuse me!  (Everyone else swivels in their chairs to face the opposite side of the bridge) Does this count as a break, because I would really like to take this thing off!  (Points with both hands to helmet head)

“Captain”: Sure, fine, take the thing off.  (“Commander A.I.” yanks off the slightly stuck helmet head, sweating and gasping for air) I don’t get why you’re complaining – we finally got you that expensive cooling system like the astronauts have and everything.

“Commander A.I.”: Oh yes.  And it’s doing JACK POOP!

“Science Officer”: Heh, just be thankful you don’t have to get up at 3:00 every morning for prosthetics smothering your whole face and sometimes – (Shudders) your whole body.

“Commander A.I.”: True, but you also don’t have to breathe through a bucket!

“Captain”: We’re getting off-track here.  (Swivels back to “Science Officer” as “Commander A.I.” takes out a cellphone from a costume compartment and starts typing) No, I am not writing you off the show –

“Science Officer”: HA!

“Captain”: After this storyline ends, your character’ll still be in the same role on the ship, unchanged.

“Science Officer”: How is that even possible?!  I literally declared revenge on everyone onboard!  They’re all just going to forget that?!

“First Officer”: (To “Captain”) Yeah, the whole thing really seems out of character for… everybody.

“Helm”: (Briefly raises a hand) I agree – anyone else would’ve been court-martialed, and maybe even executed.

“Captain”: Nobody’s executed in space utopia!

“Helm”: OK, how about “socially shunned”?

“Captain”: C’mon, folks, you were all at the table read, you knew this was happening for months, if you had any concerns why didn’t you say anything back then?!

“Science Officer”: I did say something back then.

“First Officer”: So did I.

“Tactical Officer”: So did I.

“Helm”: So did –

“Captain”: All-right-all-right; and if you also remember, I told you at the time that it’ll all work out, and you just have to trust the process!

(A Production Assistant enters from a back corner of the bridge with a large frozen drink and brings it to “Commander A.I.”)

Production Assistant: Here ya go.

“Commander A.I.”: (Takes the drink) Ah, bless you.  (Presses the plastic cup against forehead and cheeks and then drinks from the straw desperately as Production Assistant exits through the viewscreen)

“Captain”: (To “Commander A.I.”) For real?!  You can’t be having that now – we’re gonna start again in another five minutes!  (“Commander A.I.” blankly stares at “Captain” over the straw, then slowly swivels away while holding one arm up and back to give the finger) That’s just great.  (Back to “Science Officer”) Listen, I understand this situation is a bit… frustrating –

“Science Officer”: Understatement of the year.

“Captain”: But it’ll all work out for great drama, I promise.  And if for some reason it doesn’t, the blame’ll fall on me as showrunner, and you’ll still get a primetime television award at the end of the day.

“Science Officer”: Really?

“Captain”: Oh yeah, you’ll be a shoo-in!

“First Officer”: (To “Science Officer”) Heads-up: you’ll more likely win the sci-fi genre award rather than the primetime one.

“Science Officer”: (Downcast) Oh.

“First Officer”: But still, award’s an award though, am-I-right?

“Science Officer”: I guess.

“Tactical Officer”: I have a question.  (Everyone else turns to face the back of the bridge) If that character’s getting written off, does that mean that mine can get more lines?

“Science Officer”: Hey!

“Tactical Officer”: Sorry, but all I seem to say lately are “We can’t trust them, Captain!” and “Lifeforms detected, Captain!” and “Freeze!”

“Captain”: I just said that character is not getting written off!  Does no one listen to me?!

(“Doctor” enters from the back corner of the bridge)

“Doctor”: Hi, sorry to interrupt, but I’ve been waiting for my cue for about 10 minutes – is it all right if I take lunch now instead?

“Captain”: (Sighs) Yes, go ahead, take lunch.

“Commander A.I.”: (Waves frantically at “Doctor”) Ooh-ooh-ooh, can I come with you?!

“Doctor”: Sure, if it’s all right with – (Gestures at “Captain”)

“Commander A.I.”: It is!  (Leaps up from the seat and runs to join “Doctor”)

“Captain”: Hey!  (“Commander A.I.” and “Doctor” freeze, then slowly turn back around; “Captain” points at the helmet head left on the floor) If you’re leaving, you gotta take your head with you – you know we’re all responsible for our own costumes and props!

“Commander A.I.”: (After a few moments, holds out the drink to “Doctor”) Would you mind holding this for a minute, please?

“Doctor”: You bet.  (Takes the drink, surreptitiously takes off the lid, and takes a sip)

(“Commander A.I.” and “Captain” glare at each other as the former slowly walks back to the side bank of computers, breaks the look to pick up the helmet head, then after a pause savagely drop-kicks it across the set to an unoccupied corner.  Everyone else except “Captain” has shocked grimaces on their faces as the two glare at each other again while “Commander A.I.” slowly walks back to “Doctor”)

“Commander A.I.”: (Primly takes back the drink) Thank you.

“Doctor”: (As they leave) Maybe we should get some hot green tea for stress relief –

“Commander A.I.”: No hot tea!

“Captain”: (To self) Surrounded by unprofessionalism.  (Back to “Science Officer”) So: are we good now?

“Science Officer”: I suppose I can make some award-worthy lemonade out of this character-destroying lemon, yes.

“Captain”: That’s all I ask.  (To everyone on the bridge) All right, folks: guess we’re on lunch now.

(Everyone else cheers, leaps out of their seats, and runs off the set)

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) Did I just hear “lunch”?!

“Captain”: Yes, you can leave the sound booth now; we’ll do a scene with you in-person this afternoon.

“Chief Engineer”: (Voice) You mean I have to get in costume and make-up?  I thought I was getting to skip all that today.

“Captain”: You had five lines in the booth; how long did you think it was going to take?!

“Chief Engineer”: All day.

“Captain”: Fair enough; go enjoy your break.

“Chief Engineer”: Oh, I will.  (Sounds of “Chief Engineer” throwing off headphones and running out of the booth)

(“Captain” leans back in the chair and closes eyes; “First Officer” re-enters the set)

“First Officer”: You coming along?

“Captain”: (Opens eyes) I have no appetite at the moment.

“First Officer”: We have at least another 10 hours to go after this.

“Captain”: Yep, well, I’ll do my usual and sneak snacks when I’m not on-screen.  I can’t face all of them in the cafeteria right now.

“First Officer”: Got it.

“Captain”: Thanks for helping me out earlier – you’d make a good real-life first officer.

“First Officer”: No problem, but now you owe me one.

“Captain”: Oh, right…. (“First Officer” stares significantly at “Captain”) Fine: I’ll put back in that scene where you perform your one-person Macbeth, even though I still think it really, really, really doesn’t fit… anywhere.

“First Officer”: Hey, it’s space – anything is possible.

Story 549: How to Get the Vacation You Want

            (In a break room, Director and Second Assistant Director are sprawled out on opposite ends of a couch, each reading and marking up copies of the same script)

Director: (Abruptly lowers the script) I really want to go to Fiji this year.

Second Unit Director: (Not looking up) Why?

Director: Because that’s where everyone says they want to go on vacation, so I wanna go there, too.

Second Unit Director: I’d actually rather go somewhere cold, like Reykjavík.

Director: You’re a weirdo anyway – fact is, I really wanna go on vacation somewhere that I can pretend is in its own bubble of paradise for at least four days and three nights, but I’m working back-to-back projects all the time that I can never do anything fun anymore.

Second Unit Director: Well, that pretty much comes with the territory when you advance through the filmmaking ranks to become “The Director”.

Director: Doesn’t mean I have to like it!  (There is a knock on the door) What?!

Production Assistant: (Opens the door and sticks head into the room) Boss?  DP wants to do another take of Scene 317 in five.

Director: (Coolly) You can tell “DP” that just because the word “Director” is in the title it does not mean that dictates can be made to the entire company, and also that the other word “Photography” is the one that should be minded instead!

Production Assistant: Says we’re gonna lose the light coming in from the windows in less than an hour.

Director: Oh, the light, the light!  Fine, I’ll be right out.

Production Assistant: Thanks, Boss.  (Ducks out)

Director: (To Second Unit Director) You see what I mean?  Even my work time is taken away from me for other people’s work time – (Shakes the script in emphasis) I can’t even concentrate on blocking scenes because “we’re gonna lose the light!”  (Flings away the script dramatically and flings self back onto the couch, also dramatically)

Second Unit Director: (Flips through pages of the script thoughtfully, stopping at a point) You know, those scenes that take place during the war probably need to be filmed on location.

Director: (Holds head in aggravation) Ugh, don’t remind me!  I’ve squeezed as much of the budget as I could on special effects so we could film on the soundstage, but I just know no one’s gonna buy the war bits unless they’re legitimately outdoors.  How’m I gonna transport thousands of cast, crew, and equipment on a literal shoestring?!

Second Unit Director: I dunno, but however you manage it, it probably could be filmed in Fiji.

Director: (Head pops up) Eh?

Second Unit Director: Or somewhere similarly tropical, where they don’t mind us messing up the place as long as we clean up afterward.

Director: I don’t follow: even in a new location, I’d still be overworked and undervacationed.

Second Unit Director: It’s basically a busman’s holiday: you’re working, but you’re really on vacation.  Or, you’re on vacation, but you’re really working – depends on what mood you’re in is how you’d feel about the whole thing, I suppose.

Director: (Stares off into the distance while performing mental calculations) Five days of filming… downtime for scene changes… no night shoots needed so free time then… build in two days for inevitable travel delays… this might actually work.

Second Unit Director: Of course it will: it won’t be a stress-free holiday, sure, but you’ll get your tropical paradise getaway in 10-15 minute increments, at least.

Director: (Looks back at Second Unit Director) This is the answer to everything – you’re an absolute GENIUS!

Second Unit Director: Darn tootin’ – does that mean you’ll finally promote me from Second Unit Director to First Assistant Director?

Director: I’ll certainly think about it!  (Leaps off the couch with the script and runs to the door, then turns back) Hold on – shouldn’t you be off filming the background shots for the auditorium scene?

Second Unit Director: Already did it: your current First A.D. is the one who’s missing deadlines.

Director: (Cringes) Oh – right – I should get on that.  (Runs out of the break room to the main sound stage where a large crowd is gathered) All right, everyone, listen up!  (The crowd turns to face Director) I don’t know how, I don’t know when, and I don’t know where, but pack your bags because sooner rather than later we are filming Scenes 551-578 on location!

Cast and Crew: Yaaaaaayyyyyy!!!!!... Ohhhhhh….

Director: What?

Director of Photography: What location, exactly?

Director: Someplace Fiji-like – I haven’t figured out the logistics yet, but that’s the First A.D.’s job anyway.

First Assistant Director: (Stops biting nails on hearing title) Huh?

Director: So anyway, all you all need to know is, this is happening.

Director of Photography: But the light –

Director: THIS IS HAPPENING!

THREE-AND-A-HALF WEEKS LATER

(On a tropical island’s beach in the early morning, Director stands barefoot in the gently lapping surf while staring at the calm ocean)

Director: Ahhhhh… paradise at last.  (Closes eyes, breathes in the sea air and exhales it fully, turns around to face the beach, and whips out a megaphone) All right, everyone, let’s pick up the pace here, I want to start filming in 10!  (Walks back onto the beach that has been taken over by the film’s cast, crew, and equipment)

Stunt Coordinator: (Jogs up to Director) You want us to run through the combat choreography between takes today, Boss?

Director: If you like, but only if you feel it’s necessary – just make sure your team’s relaxed and pampered.

Stunt Coordinator: Boss?

Director: I mean, limber and pepped up!

Stunt Coordinator: Got it.  (Jogs away)

Actor: (Jogs up to Director) Boss, I hate to be a stick in the mud, but the Sun and sand here are really doing a number on my skin.

Director: (Distractedly while picking up and examining a huge seashell) Oh?  How so?

Actor: I’m all puffy and peeling everywhere, and the combination is exponentially worse than either one of them would have been on its own.

Director: (Tosses away the seashell) Well, that’s what Makeup Department’s for – (Finally faces Actor and double-takes) Whoa!  Yeah, that is pretty bad.  (Starts looking around the beach and whips out the megaphone again) Makeup!  Would someone from Makeup get over here please and fix this disaster!  We’re starting in eight!

Production Assistant: (Jogs up to Director as Actor is taken away by someone from Makeup, and holds out a satellite phone) Boss, someone from some parasailing company said they wanted to speak with you – think it might be a scam?

Director: Ooh, no, I’ll take it, thanks.  (Takes the phone and talks while walking through the beach checking on equipment and people) Hi, thanks for calling me back – listen, my main question for you is, what’s the exact weight limit on those things, hm?... Well, I’m gonna have a heavy-duty film camera, two phones, and a boom mic in addition to… my average human weight…. I know you offer video packages, but I’m doing this for something less amateur, and I’m not supposed to be in the shot anyway…. No, please be very emphatic that they do not dunk me in the ocean at the end; do you want to see a grown adult bawl like a baby after damaging thousands of dollars’ worth of equipment?!

Former Second Unit Director, Now First Assistant Director: (Jogs up to Director) Hey, Boss?

Director: (To the phone) We’ll finalize the details later – tell the boat captain I want at least a solid hour up in the air, OK-thanks-bye!  (Ends the call and turns to First Assistant Director): Yep?

First Assistant Director: We’re ready to start filming but the gentle breeze has been whipping up the sand and it’s gunking up the equipment.

Director: So just shake it all out!

First Assistant Director: It’s not exactly that simple….

Production Assistant: (After listening to another crew member) Boss, we’ve got some rogue crabs wandering onto the set, and we’re not sure how to shoo them off without crushing them or getting our toes pinched.

Director: Gimme a minute.  (Turns to the ocean and raises both arms straight up)

First Assistant Director: What are you doing?!

Director: Mountain pose; AKA: Tadasana.  I had to cut my yoga session short this morning so I’m trying to finish it up now.  (Flattens down to the ground, then rises up to cobra pose) Should be done in about 15 minutes.  (Inhales loudly)

First Assistant Director: We’re filming in two!

Director: (Exhales loudly) Right.  Forgot.  (Jumps back up and whips out the megaphone again) Places, everyone!  Let’s make some movie magic!

Production Assistant: But what about the crabs?!

Director: (Lowering the megaphone) Dig a trench or something around the set – that should make them think twice about trespassing, I’ll bet. 

(First Assistant Director and Production Assistant jog back into the fray while shaking their heads in exasperation and passing Resort Employee who is being escorted by a security guard)

Resort Employee: (Approaches Director while holding out a tray with a drink that has a mini-umbrella sticking out of it) Your non-alcoholic strawberry daiquiri?

Director: Ah yes, perfect timing.  (Takes the drink while handing Resort Employee a tip) Keep `em coming, will you please?

Resort Employee: (Deftly pocketing the tip) Gladly.  (Leaves with the security guard)

Director: (Facing the main part of the outdoor set while speaking into the megaphone again) Aaaaand… action!  (Sets down the megaphone and lounges in a beach chair placed in front of a bank of monitors while the scene commences, leaning back to take a nap) Yes indeedy, I sure could get used to filming on location, all – the – time.

Story 474: Unexpected Series Cancellation

(On a soundstage representing an open field filled with fake flora, fake fauna, fake water, and a monorail, a television show’s cast and crew members move about purposefully in preparing for the scene they are about to film)

Cast Member 1: (To Makeup Artist applying touch-ups) I agree it adds to the mood and tension of a set piece, but when there’s that little ambient lighting for a night scene, then no one watching will be able to figure out what on Earth is going on, and all that mood and tension’ll mean absolutely nothing!

Makeup Artist: (Gives several final pats on the face with an applicator) Mm-hm – please stop talking.

Cast Member 1: Got it.

Cast Member 2: (Walks over to Cast Member 1 as Makeup Artist finishes and leaves) Hey – you ready for our scene later today or you want to go over it one more time?

Cast Member 1: Eh, I think we’ve prepped enough.  It’s gonna be a lot of yelling so I don’t want to wear out my vocal cords beforehand, know what I mean?

Cast Member 2: I guess.  Still think it might be more effective if you don’t yell.

Cast Member 1: And still agree to disagree.  Don’t yell all you want; I’m ramping it up all the notches.

Cast Member 2: You do you.  Kind of looking forward to it, actually: we’ve been building up to this all season, and I think the writers did a good job with our ultimate showdown.  Should be fun to finally act it out for reals.

Cast Member 1: And to watch.  I think the fans’ll be extremely satisfied the way this plays out – can’t wait to hear the buzz the day after it airs, that’s always a thrill.

Cast Member 2: When’ll that be do you think, six months from now?

Cast Member 1: Your guess is as good as mine with the way the network schedule’s been lately.  (Sighs while surveying the fake sunnily-lit scene) I still have to pinch myself every day that we get to do this for a living.

Cast Member 2: (Surveys the fake landscape as well) Definitely.  And the fans’ve been so supportive, and there’s been so much momentum with the show, for the first time in my career I can almost take a deep breath with the promise of job security.

Cast Member 1: Sweet.  (Showrunner enters the soundstage, surrounded by staff) Whelp, here comes the maestro to give us our monthly pep talk.

Cast Member 2: Hope it’s shorter than the last one; I almost forgot my lines for the day by the time it was over.

Showrunner: All right everybody, huddle up!  Got some news.

(Cast and crew members gather in a large circle)

Cast Member 3: (Mutters to Cast Member 4) Let me guess: we’re all fired.

Cast Member 4: (Laughs) Paranoia.

Cast Member 5: (To Showrunner) Are we getting out early today for the holiday?

Showrunner: Oh, today’s a holiday?

Cast Member 5: Yes, but clearly never mind about that.

Showrunner: Good, `cause it’s about to be ruined.  Just got the word from the studio that after the season finale airs on whenever date, that’s… well… no easy way to say this… I was told that that’s it.  As in, it.

(Stunned silence)

Cast Member 1: “It” being… the season finale?  We know that.

Cast Member 2: I think our leader’s trying to tell us that it’s going to be the series finale.

Cast Member 3: (To Cast Member 4) Called it.

Cast Member 4: (Eyes still wide with shock) That you did.

Cast Member 1: (Shakes head in disbelief) Wait a minute, are you saying that the show got cancelled?  Permanently?!

Showrunner: Yes.

Cast Member 1: …After one season?!

Showrunner: Shocking, I know.  But not unprecedented.

Cast Member 1: “Shocking”?!  It is MIND-BOGGLING.  We were voted the #1 Crime Procedural/Sci-Fi/Sit-Com/Western/Family Drama just last week!

Cast Member 2: And you know the fans really love the show, and even the critics are giving it good reviews – what happened?!

Showrunner: Well –

Cast Member 3: I’ll tell you what happened.  (Everyone turns to Cast Member 3, who starts counting off fingers) We got pre-empted too many times by live sports; the times we are on the air, the episodes get shuffled around so much that some storylines make no sense whatsoever; the studio didn’t know how to market a multi-genre series; and you – (Points to Showrunner) overplayed the long game.

Showrunner: Me?!  What’re you talking about: I fought tooth-and-nail every day to get this show the love it deserved!

Cast Member 3: You also wrote in too many storylines with too many characters and too many open-ended arcs that promise to pay off in five years but deep down we all know they never will!  We may have a core group of dedicated fans, but everyone else lost interest!

Showrunner: Nah-uh!  I perfected the magic formula to get people obsessed!

Cast Member 4: You’re certainly right about that: I’ve gotten the weirdest fan mail asking me if I secretly know where my true father is and why I’m hiding that from my friends on the show.  Do I?  Am I?

Showrunner: Yes and yes, but that was gonna be the big reveal in Season 3.

Cast Member 3: You see!  That’s exactly what I’m talking about – you planned so far ahead that you gave the audience nothing now.  You’re a big tease!

Showrunner: Am not!

Cast Member 3: Oh yeah?  (Gestures to Cast Member 1 and Cast Member 2) What about these two?

Showrunner: What about them?

Cast Member 2: Yes, why am I being dragged into this?

Cast Member 3: As far back as Episode – Freakin’ – 1 – scratch that, as far back as the Pilot – you started right out of the gate with the “will-they-won’t-they” shenanigans, and the only outcomes from doing that super-early are that they break up by the end of Season 2 because everyone’s tired of them, or it’s dragged out so long that they wind up never hooking up at all and one or both of them go off with someone else, and the fans hate it either way!

Cast Member 1: I would like to point out that while that angle may have been introduced a tad early in the series, I think the relationship is being developed tastefully and with mutual respect –

Cast Member 5: (Scrolling through a phone) It says here there were over 5,000 fanfiction stories shipping you two immediately after the Pilot aired.

Cast Member 1: Hm.  (To Cast Member 2) Guess I should’ve toned down the smoldering stares a bit.

Cast Member 2: I’ll say – after every episode airs I keep getting messages: “Why haven’t you two gotten together yet?”  “What are you waiting for?”  “Now kiss!”  “Stop denying you’re made for each other!”

Cast Member 1: Wow.  People sure are impatient.

Cast Member 2: I would be too if a couple with our regrettably intense chemistry got dangled in front of me at the outset, and then the brakes were applied almost immediately.  You gotta give the fans something to daydream about during their tedious work hours.

Cast Member 1: It’s called a SLOW BURN – if you rush it, you ruin it!

Cast Member 4: I thought the issue was it’s moving too fast?

Cast Member 5: I thought our show was about crime and sci-fi and family drama and all those other things; I didn’t think it was a romance.

Cast Member 2: Lotta people latched onto the one romance part.

Cast Member 1: Which is fine, in small doses!  We actually should’ve put the brakes on it even harder and not even held eye contact for longer than three seconds until at least the Season 2 premier!

Showrunner: Which is all a moot point since there now is no Season 2.

Cast Member 4: Aw, and you’d promised I was going to have my very own me-centric episode that had to get pushed back to next season since the studio cut down the number of episodes they’re airing `cause of all the live sports stuff.

Showrunner: Yeah, glad I never did get around to writing that ep.

Cast Member 4: What?!

Showrunner: Which reminds me: five of the episodes we actually did film are going to get cut, too.

Cast Members 1-5: WHAT?!

Showrunner: The only time slots they could give me for the rest of the season this year were after 2 a.m.  Maybe.  If the post-game recap ended early.

Cast Member 1: And whose bright idea was it to air our show after a game every single week?!

Showrunner: There’s some game on every single night, and we’re the newbie on the block so we get the expendable time slots.  Maybe by Season 5 we would’ve been eligible for prime time Sunday night.

Cast Members 1-5: (Stare into space in reverie) Prime time Sunday night….

Cast Member 2: Hold on – is one of the episodes that got cut the one where I did the stunt it took me three months to train for?

Showrunner: (Twitchily) Yes.

Cast Member 2: (Stares coldly at Showrunner) There are no words.

Cast Member 5: And another thing –

Showrunner: Arrrrggghhh, what?!

Cast Member 5: We’re still filming.  If our season finale is now our series finale, no storylines are wrapped up and the script left it on a cliffhanger.  Are you going to rewrite any of it?

Cast Member 1: (To self as eyes widen in horror) Oh no, more lines I’ve gotta memorize….

Showrunner: There’s no time to rewrite; we’re getting shut down as soon as we wrap.  (Waves arms around at the set) This whole soundstage’s getting taken over by a game show next week.

Cast Member 4: You mean they’re not even going to keep all this pretty fake nature around?  Don’t let the crew who built it find that out.

Crew Member 1: Too late, but we’re used to it.

Cast Member 1: Back up a moment – next week?  You scheduled us for another month to finish the two-parter!

Showrunner: Two-parter’s now a one-parter.

Cast Members 1-5: Ohhhhh....

Showrunner: Yeah: I’ve got no time to rewrite, yet I’m expected to chop, chop, chop it all up anyway!

Cast Member 2: So I’m guessing the emotional reunion with our long-lost comrade is one of the scenes on the chopping block.

Showrunner: Yep – I told that actor a little while ago not to bother coming back in; wasn’t happy that their final scene on the show is now being knocked unconscious like a wimp.

Cast Member 3: Don’t tell me the huge scene showing that my character’s had amnesia this whole time without knowing it is now, what, gone too?!

Showrunner: Yeah, that plotline seems rather pointless now.

Cast Member 4: Will we still get to film the big chase scene with all the cars and the trucks and the spaceships and the horses and… (Trails off as the other stare back) Answered my own question.

Cast Member 1: (To Showrunner) Bottom line: what’s the actual last scene to the series now?  Are we at least keeping the whole epic conclusion where we sail off into the supernova while singing “Happy Birthday”?

Showrunner: Our special effects budget was reallocated to the game show, so everything going forward has to be practical effects or reused footage.

Cast Member 1: We’ve been reduced to black box theater; I get it.

Cast Member 2: Speaking of theater, I think now’s the perfect time for me to return to Broadway – it seems that’s where I really belong after all.

Cast Member 1: Oh come on, everyone leaves Broadway to do TV and movies!  You only go back when you’re an actual star so the audience claps for your entrances and no one else’s!

Cast Member 2: Well at least I have something to fall back on – this was supposed to be your big break, and now the proverbial rug’s been proverbially pulled out from under your proverbial unprepared feet.

Cast Member 1: Don’t I know it!  (To Showrunner) Do you realize how many gigs I turned down because this show was supposed to be The One?!

Showrunner: You’re telling me!  This – (Waves arms around at the set again) was my show!  All of it, every last piece of fakery, was my baby!

Cast Member 1: Oh please: you’ve got five other shows and two movies going on as we speak!

Showrunner: Well….

Cast Member 1: (Gasps in horror) You probably wanted this one to fail, so you could concentrate on the others that’ll make more money, and meanwhile this show will be forever enshrined in “Cult Classic” status and everyone will feel sorry for you for how it all went down – DIABOLICAL!

Crew Member 2: Excuse me – (The others turn to listen) if we’re not actually going to work today, can we call it quits and start prepping for the game show?

Showrunner: No-no, everyone’s still working on this show until the bitter end; we owe it to the fans if nothing else!  And all your contracts say so.

Others: Aw, yeah, right, union, guild….

Showrunner: So!  Much shorter scripts will be sent to you this afternoon; get your belongings out of your cubby holes before next Friday; let’s finish this beautiful thing we created together on the highest note that will resound throughout the halls of classic TV-dom forever; don’t let the fans down!  (Exits the soundstage, surrounded by staff)

Cast Member 1: (To Cast Members 2-5) I don’t know about you, but whatever character motivation I had is all gone now.

Cast Member 2: Same.  I think the wind’s been taken out of our sails for that scene we’re maybe doing later: it’ll be hard to get all emotional about characters whose arcs got cut extremely short.

Cast Member 5: Well, it was fun while it lasted, right?

Cast Member 3: Yeah, I did have a blast even knowing the whole time we’d never make it past Season 1.  I’m honestly surprised we made it past Episode 1.

Cast Member 4: You think the fans’ll still like the show in 20-something years as much as they do now?

Cast Member 1: I think so.  The only good thing to come out of all this is that it got cancelled before it got bad.

Story 200: Neverending Encores

            On closing night, the cast members of the regional theater company were beyond thrilled when they heard “Encore!  Encore!” after taking their bows.  They had worked so hard on this show for weeks, and it always was bittersweet saying good-bye when it was all over.

            “All right!”  The dance captain corralled the cast as the director and stage manager signaled the lighting booth to reset, the orchestra to take it from the top of the finale, and the dry ice gal to fire up the machine again.

            Running on the euphoria, the cast members sang their hearts out and danced their feet off in an almost-exact duplicate of the number they had just performed.  Flushed with the exertion, they took their bows again in triumph as the cymbals deafeningly crashed in conclusion.

            “Encore!  Encore!”

           Starting to feel short of breath, the dance captain looked to the director, who signaled everyone to take their places and go through it again.

            The dance captain hissed to the director off-stage: “Most of us can do it, but the ones I stuck on the ends are about to pass out and we’re all choking on the dry ice!”

            “I’m sorry, but we need to keep the audience happy – they’re the ones who’ll keep buying the tickets!”  And that was that.

            Another run-through, and even the veteran dancers were winded as they bowed to the floor.

            “Encore!  Encore!”

            “You want another one?!”  The director maniacally asked the audience.

            The dance captain’s “Nooooooo!!!!!!” was drowned out by a voice in the audience shouting “YESSSS!!!!”

            Half the orchestra left in protest so there was minimal musical accompaniment that failed to conceal the wheezing, stumbling, and mumbled cursing as the cast members tripped their out-of-breath way through the finale for the fourth time.

            “Encore!  Encore!”

          “WHO SAID THAT?!”  The dance captain squinted into the darkness: the lone lighting operator at that point turned on the houselights to show that there was only one person sitting in the audience – everyone else had left or been waiting for the cast to come out to the lobby for quite some time.

            “Encore!”  The man in the audience cheered again.

            One of the supporting players in the back came forward: “Dad!  What are you doing?!”

            “I’m just so proud of you, son – I’ve never been to a play before, isn’t ‘Encore!’ what you’re supposed to say at these things?”

            The rest of the cast collapsed on stage as the director said, “I’m glad you enjoyed the show, sir.  We’re just going to head backstage now, if you want to wait in the lobby for your son.”

            “All right, but if you all leave then who’s going to encore?”