Showing posts with label audience. Show all posts
Showing posts with label audience. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 8, 2023

Story 515: Fame Without Celebrity

             (In a lecture hall at a convention center, a session begins that will feature the stars of an upcoming blockbuster film)

Director: (Standing on a stage next to a long table with microphones and nameplates at intervals for each chair and addressing the audience) Hello, nerds!

Audience: (Applauding wildly) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: Thank you for spending your hard-earned or nonexistent money to come here today and listen to us tease a movie that’ll premier at least a year from now, if we’re lucky.

Audience: (Applauding wildly again) Woooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!

Director: And now, without further ado, here are the stars you’ve all come to see!  (Flings out the arm not holding the microphone toward stage left, where several actors enter smiling and waving at the audience and then sit at table with their matching nameplate)

Audience: (Now standing while applauding wildly) WOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

(One actor, whose chair is at the exact center of the table, enters last wearing a cap with his head tucked down and not smiling or waving as he zooms straight to the seat and sits in a slouch, hands folded in his lap and not looking up)

Director: (Smiling fondly at the group) My shining film family: what a journey we’ve taken, what adventures we’ve shared, what stories we have to tell.  Forever friendships made through our shared journey… (Almost all the actors at the table nod in agreement) that’ll end with us probably never seeing each other again after we finish the publicity tour.  Now – (To the audience) where’s our first question for our lil’ gang here?  (Sees a crew member bring a microphone to an audience member) Yes, you first – hi!

Audience Member 1: Hi!  (Points to the actor seated at the center of the table) My question is for Chad right there, who seems to be hiding from us; hiiiiiii Chaaaaad!

Chad: (Lifts head up slightly) Hi.  (Heads goes back down)

Audience Member 1: So, my question is, how does it feel to be suddenly thrust into superstardom when you landed the lead role in this humongous film that millions of fans of the franchise have been begging to see for literally decades?!

Audience: Squeeeeeee!!!!!

Chad: (Looks up slightly) How… does it feel?

Audience Member 1: Yes, especially since you’ve been in the industry for a while in only supporting roles, and now, all at once, you are IT!

Director: (Applauding with the audience and co-stars) Yeah, Chad!  I had final say on casting him, by the way.

Chad: (Thinks for a few moments) Well… it feels....

Director: (As the moments stretch into uncomfortable silence) Pretty cool, I bet, right?

Audience: Ahahahahahaha!

Chad: Actually, the whole thing kind of stinks.

Audience: Ahahaha – ha?

Chad: (Leans forward to speak more into the table microphone) I mean, I liked my career – my life – the way it was: it was steady work and I could go out and do pretty much whatever I wanted.  When I got this role, I figured, “Sure, whatever, bump in pay, right?”  Little did I know, I was signing an invisible contract that meant life as I knew it was now over!

Director: Heh-heh; oh Chad, we all know the perils of fame –

Chad: (To Director) Do we?!  I only auditioned for the part because my now-former agent swore to me that the film’s budget was so big it would never see the light of day, and this just would keep me employed until the next Broadway audition season started!

Director: Uh, Chad, maybe don’t mention the budget –

Chad: (Back to Audience Member 1) You know, no one tells you that when you’re the so-called “star” that everyone else in the world now thinks they own you!  People somehow found out where I live and now camp on my front lawn regularly, stealing my mail even when I locked the box, following me when I go food shopping, coming up to me while I’m running on park trails demanding a copy of my chicken-scratch signature which I can’t even read, and asking while I’m at the dentist’s office about how I live and feel as if I was this character when – hate to burst your bubble – I never read any of the source material this dude’s based on!

Audience: (Collectively) <GASP!>

Director: Maybe we should hear from some of your co-stars now –

Chad: (Grabs the table microphone and stands) And another thing: I don’t appreciate having my entire life scrutinized from birth, or my family and friends harassed for details on everything I’ve ever done, or my dating life now ruined because I can’t trust that anyone I may be interested in isn’t actually an undercover stalker!

Audience Member 2: (Stands up at the back of the hall) I LOVE YOU, CHAD!

Chad: (Gestures vaguely in that unseen direction) See?!  See?!  How can you say that?!  I don’t know you!  You don’t know me!  I could be a jerk and you could be a psychopath!

Audience Member 2: YOU ARE SO WISE!  I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE NOW!

Chad: (Back to the general audience, holding the microphone in both hands) I just want to walk down the street in peace again!  Can’t you all just let me walk down the street in peace again?!

Director: (Yanks the microphone out of Chad’s hands and turns back to the audience) Let’s hear it for Chad’s wholehearted dedication to the craft!  (Audience applauds politely)

Audience Member 1: (Hands the microphone back to the crew member and sits) I guess I’m done, then.

Chad: (Sits back on the chair and lowers his head onto his arms on the table; muffled) I don’t even get the rest of my pay until after the film’s released!

Director: So!  Let’s have another question from the audience!

Audience Member 3: (Stands and is handed the microphone from the same crew member) Hello, my question is for Priya –

Priya: (Had been staring at Chad who is sitting next to her, quietly sobbing; she now sits forward to speak into the table microphone) Yes, hi!

Audience Member 3: You’ve been a superstar yourself for a number of years – have you had all this like Chad, only worse?

Priya: Unfortunately, yes.  (Pats Chad on the shoulder) Hate to say it, kid: even though they’ll take it easier on you than they do me, it only goes downhill from here.  (Chad groans loudly into his arms)

Director: (Mops sweat off brow with an event flyer) Any questions out there related to the actual film?!  Please?!

Audience Member 4: (Stands while looking at a phone display and is given the microphone by the crew member, who had taken it from Audience Member 3) Yeah, I’m reading here that the movie’s release just got cancelled `cause it went way over budget.  Is that true?

Director: (As Chad sits up suddenly) Well, to my knowledge, we are right on track to – (Hears phone buzzing and reads a message) Huh.  (To the actors at the table) Well kiddos, word from above says there’s not going to be a movie now since apparently my vision didn’t match their budget.  I call that them being cheapskates rather than me being unable to deal with finances properly, but the bottom line is disappointment to say the least.

Audience and Most of the Cast: Argghhhh…..

Chad: (Stands with arms raised in triumph and runs out stage left) YESSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Director: (In the ensuing silence) Whelp, at least somebody here got a happy ending out of all this.

Thursday, March 9, 2023

Story 482: Isn’t It Magic

(In a packed theater, Magician takes the stage)

Magician: (Bowing to thunderous applause) Thank you!  Thank you, everyone!  And now that I’ve returned the stage to this building after depositing it in the middle of the South Pole, I’m going to play that riskiest of wild cards in live entertainment and ask for a volunteer from the audience!  (Hands are raised and held down equally eagerly)  And just so you don’t think I have a prearranged assistant out there somewhere who has to watch the same show every night, I’m going to favor the higher-paying orchestra seats by tossing out this everyday, innocuous, perfectly innocent rubber ball for one of you randos to catch!  (Waves a hand to make the ball appear out of thin air) If you get hit in the head with this, your ticket purchase means you can’t sue. 

(Magician throws the ball high over the orchestra section where it is fumbled several times on the landing; meanwhile, an audience member from the mezzanine leaps off the railing, lands on a number of upraised hands to crowd surf a bit, and dives for the ball around Row J as others swarm, eventually wrenching it away and holding it aloft)

Magician: (Blinks a few times at the spectacle) Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. From what I could barely see past these blinding lights, whoever actually has the ball now, come on up!

(Volunteer runs up to the stage, leaps up the steps, and hands the ball to Magician, who makes it disappear again with a flourish)

Magician: Hello, welcome, here’s a microphone – (Drops a loop of cords around Volunteer’s neck) so I don’t have to hold one for you, and what’s your name?

Volunteer: I’d rather not announce it to a thousand strangers.

Magician: …We’ll skip that part, then.  And are you enjoying the show so far?

Volunteer: Oh yes, it’s really helping my new career.

Magician: Really, and that is…?

Volunteer: Professional Magic Debunker.

Magician: …What?!

Volunteer: You’re giving me a run for my money tonight but I think I’ve almost got it all figured out, like when everybody here mentally picked out the Queen of Spades `cause it always would be that card no matter what –

Magician: What a character!  On with the next trick!  (Stage crew members wheel out a chalkboard, a table with a hat and cards, and a chair) Now then!  Please have a seat. (Gestures to the chair; Volunteer sits) Have you ever had your mind truly read before?

Volunteer: No, and I never will because there’s no such thing as telepathy.

Magician: Ahahaha! – hold this card.  (Gives Volunteer a card) Now: I have written several numbers and words on that card that will be revealed later – please put it in your pocket for now.  (Volunteer does so).  Right: let’s begin, shall we?  (Holds hands on head while staring at Volunteer; spooky background music plays) Pick a number between 1 and 7,000, and without speaking, send it to my mind.

Volunteer: That’s impossible: the human brain has no capability to receive specific thoughts generated by the neurons of another brain as sensory input.

Magician: (Through gritted teeth) Humor me.  (Closes eyes and holds head again as Volunteer stares back) Got it!  (Writes “3,728” on the chalkboard)

Volunteer: That’s not the number I was thinking.

Magician: Oh?  Are you sure?  THEN WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!

Volunteer: (Pulls out the card from earlier and holds it up for a crew member to film and project on a screen that it reads “3,728”, along with “49”, “BAT”, and “SAGITTARIUS”; the audience members cheer wildly) You already wrote this out and then said the same number just now.  Normally, I think you would have switched out the cards before the big reveal in case you couldn’t steer me to these answers, though.

Magician: (Freezes for a moment, then mutters) Blast, skipped a step.  (Louder) That was just a warm-up!  Now, the real game begins!  (Gestures for Volunteer to stand) Tell me, did you have a wallet on your person when you came up here?

Volunteer: Yes, but you lifted it before I sat down – I didn’t want to cause a scene.  You’d make an excellent thief, by the –

Magician: SO, how did it wind up in that locked box ALL THE WAY UP THERE?!!!!  (Points dramatically to a transparent box sitting on a raised platform stage left where a wallet can be seen inside; the audience members cheer wildly)

Volunteer: (Squints up at it in thought) Hmmmm… ah!  You gave it to one of the stage crew earlier, or that’s not my wallet and you’ll switch it out when you open the box later.

Magician: (Grinning in desperation; to the audience) Isn’t this one hilarious?!  (The audience members laugh)

Volunteer: I wasn’t trying to be funny –

Magician: And on to the last bit!  (Stage crew members remove the other props and wheel out a closed, long rectangular box on a raised platform) And now, with this expert witness, I will astound your minds as I proceed to SAW MYSELF IN HALF!

Volunteer: Wait, what?!

Magician: (Spins the platform around to show the audience all angles, opens all sides of the long box, hops inside to lie down, and closes the sides; to Volunteer) Now, my faithful newly-dubbed assistant, could you please check underneath this platform and all sides and confirm to our lovely audience that there are no mirrors whatsoever?

Volunteer: (Walks around the platform, peering and waving an arm below it and inspecting all sides) Well, no mirrors – (Stops at one point) although there is –

Magician: (Facing away from the audience to address Volunteer through clenched teeth) You want your wallet back?!  I also took your cell phone and an incriminating locket.

Volunteer: – nothing to see here!

Magician: (Back to the audience) Wonderful!  And here we go!  (Picks up a hand saw that was lying next to the box and saws self in half) Ooh!  Ow!  Eek!  Aha!  Faithful assistant, please pull me apart!  (Volunteer pulls the lower half of the box away that has Magician’s feet poking out of the end and waving around; the upper half waves at the audience which is cheering wildly) Now spin me!  (Volunteer spins the lower half around and then walks over to the upper half to spin that as well, to even louder cheers) Now put me back together!

Volunteer: (Reconnecting the halves) I must say, the engineering –

Magician: Isn’t this a wonderful assistant, folks?!  (The audience members cheer wildly) And now, assistant, open the box!  (Volunteer opens the lids; the intact Magician leaps out and bows to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (Turns to Volunteer, grabs a bunch of items out of various pockets, and hands them to the latter while removing the microphone) And you!  (Mutters) Not so great.

Volunteer: (Looks back up to the stage left platform) Hey, what happened to the box that should’ve had my wallet?!

Magician: Aha, what box?  (Menacingly) You see what I want you to see.  (Smiles broadly, then pulls a bouquet of real flowers from Volunteer’s ear) A memento for your time here tonight!

Volunteer: (Accepts the bouquet gingerly) I have to admit, that conjuring bit always gets me.

Thursday, July 29, 2021

Story 402: Replacement Pianist

 (Backstage, 20 minutes before showtime)

Singer: (To Stage Manager as the latter rushes over) Hi, yeah, have you heard from my partner yet?  They’re usually here before I am, and the conspicuous absence is making me feel nervous for the first time in my professional life.  I don’t like it much.

Stage Manager: We actually just got word they’re stuck in traffic with horrendous roadwork and can’t get here until… (Checks watch) tomorrow, so, we called in our house pianist who’ll be playing for you tonight instead, yay!

Pianist: (Appears suddenly) `Sup.

Singer: Ohhhh, hello, um, I’m not sure this is gonna work – we’ve never played together before.

Pianist: No prob: just give me the notes, I’ll bang `em out.  (Yawns)

Singer: Yeah, that’s great; the thing is, my partner and I have a whole routine for the show and we continually play off each other, know what I mean?

Pianist: Sure-sure, if you give me the lines I’ll say whatever you want.

Singer: That’s not – it’s a whole chemistry thing we’ve built up over years of performing together –

Pianist: Guess the audience’ll have to settle for competent instrumentalization instead; just don’t ad lib on me, m’kay?

Singer: Practically the whole show’s an ad lib!  I also interact with the audience, and it can go in any direction!  The show is a living, breathing thing!

Pianist: Wow.  No wonder they’re charging a hundred bucks a ticket here: this all sounds very involved.

Singer: A hundred – ?!

Stage Manager: (To Singer) Look, unless your partner can video in playing the keyboard while crawling along the freeway, this is the best we can do without cancelling the show last minute.

Singer: (Whips out a cell phone) That is an excellent idea – I know there’s a spare keyboard in the car trunk, technology works wonders, we can do this!  (Calls Partner)

Partner: (Listens to the proposed show format while sitting five lanes deep in non-moving traffic) Are you kidding me?!

Singer: (Disconnects the call and turns to the other two) I’m ready when you are.

Stage Manager: Great!  (Runs away to cue everyone)

Pianist: So, this show got an intermission?

Singer: Intermissions ruin my momentum.

Pianist: Then we may have a problem about 45 minutes in.

(Showtime)

Stage Manager: (On stage, addressing Audience) …And now, without further ado, let’s give a big round of applause to tonight’s star performer!

(Audience applauds as Singer enters, beaming and waving; Pianist heads straight for the piano and begins scanning the pages of music and a set list there)

Singer: (Arrives at the microphone and a small table where there are notes and a glass of water) Hello, all!  I already love you.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Singer: Now, let’s begin with one of my favorites.  (Whispers to Pianist) Number 3 on the list.

Pianist: (Whispers to Singer) You sure you wanna open with that one?  (Singer glares at Pianist, who takes out the corresponding sheet music and begins playing)

Singer: (To Audience) You know, when I first began my stage career, it was at a local theater just like this.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: How long you want me to keep playing the intro?

Singer: I’ll signal you – (To Audience) I was in high school, and –

Pianist: A nod, a wave, a scream, what?

Singer: …I’ll say “Go.”

Pianist: (Shrugs) Your show.

Singer: (To Audience) I auditioned for the summer musical and I had never sung in front of an audience before that wasn’t a shower nozzle and bar of soap –

Pianist: Any idea how long this is gonna go on, ballpark?  My fingers are getting bored.

Singer: …Go.

(They perform several songs in a row; Singer skips over most of the pre-planned patter)

Singer: This next song is one I’ll always treasure, since it was in the show that was my Broadway debut.

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: Funny story: I actually saw you in that.  You’ve gotten better.

Singer: (Smiling through gritted teeth) You’re a trip!

(They get halfway through the song)

Pianist: (Stops playing) Hold on – those aren’t the lyrics for that line.

Singer: (Laughing) Oh yes, audiences are used to a little artistic license on the classics, aren’t you all?  (Audience applauds)

Pianist: I don’t think the original songwriter’d recognize that license – you might be in for a copyright infringement lawsuit if word gets out.  The Dramatists Guild’d have a field day, and rightfully so.

Singer: (Smiling strainedly) Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Pianist: Argh, I’ve gotta play this one all over again?!  (Starts the song over with more insistent depressing of the keys)

(Finale)

Singer: (After finishing on a majestic note to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (They keep cheering) OK, should we do one more?

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: No.

Singer: Number 35!

(They perform three more songs)

Singer: Thank you, I love you, good night!

Pianist: Ahem!

Singer: And let’s give a hand to tonight’s pianist who is not my regular accompanist!  (Applauds Pianist)

Audience: Wooooo!!!!

Pianist: You all cheer at anything.

(Backstage)

Stage Manager: That was great!  And demand was so high for this show that we want you to do another one here tomorrow night!  Your manager said you were available.

Singer: Did they now.  Well, my partner should be out of traffic by then, so I’m sure the magic tonight won’t be repeated.  (To Pianist) It’s been real.

Pianist: Yeah, I’ve had worse.

Singer: I haven’t.  (Starts to leave)

Pianist: Hey, one more thing?

Singer: (Turns back sharply) What?!

Pianist: Can I have your autograph?

Thursday, March 28, 2019

Story 282: Heard From Backstage at the Ballet


(In a theater)
Audience Member 1: Even though the ballet is horribly dull and I’m constantly having to guess what on Earth is going at any given moment, at least you got us pretty decent seats considering how cheap they were.
Audience Member 2: Yeah, we’re in the next-to-last-row, but at least they’re not too far from the center – not like those poor saps up in the side balconies.
Audience Member 1: I don’t even know why they bothered putting seats over there when you can only see ¾ of the action; I’d feel like I’m missing out on something everyone else is laughing at.
(Lights dim)
Audience Member 2: Ooh, shut up, it’s starting!
Audience Member 1: (Whispering) You’re the one talking.
Audience Member 2: (Whispering) Just making sure – this is The Ballet, not A Concert, so no screaming your praise throughout the whole show, please.
Audience Member 1: (Sighs) So dull.
(The music begins, the curtain rises, and the dancers emerge.  The principals have several solos and duets, then gracefully trot off stage left)
Audience Member 1: (Whispering) Hey, I can still see them backstage!
Audience Member 2: (Whispering) Uh-oh.  They didn’t pull the curtain over far enough.  Hope they notice soon that they can see us; that’ll clue them in –
Lead Dancer 1: (Heard by the entire audience over the music) You rushed the pas de deux again!
Lead Dancer 2: I did not, you were dragging!  Keep up the pace, you’re throwing the rest of us off our game!
Lead Dancer 1: Ugh, I wish the music wasn’t canned so I could tell the conductor to ignore you!  (Silence for a few seconds) Would you look at that, blood all over my shoes already and it’s only the middle of Act 1 – I beat my record!
(One of the on-stage dancers runs off stage left; the entire audience is facing that direction and ignoring the remaining dancers struggling on like champs)
Ensemble Dancer: Guys, take it to the dressing room, everyone can hear you!
Lead Dancer 1: Oh good, let them finally realize that beneath all the magic lies slave labor!
Lead Dancer 2: Hardly – we’re all getting paid.
Lead Dancer 1: Not nearly enough!  As you can see by this disgusting footwear that I’m waving in your face, my feet have been utterly obliterated by this cruel taskmaster called The Dance!  Is there enough money in the world to restore both my feet and my soul to their original condition?!
Stage Manager: Look, either keep it down or get back out there for your missed cues – you are ruining the show!
Audience Member 1: (Shouts) Let them finish, I want to hear what happens next!
Audience Member 2: Ssh!  Don’t embarrass me!
(The dancers who had remained on the stage stumble to a stop; Lead Dancer 1 hobbles out on bleeding feet to face the audience)
Lead Dancer 1: (While the soundtrack still is playing, holds the bloody ballet shoes aloft) Is this what you want?!  Us literally bleeding for your entertainment?!  (Is carried off by the stage crew, holding the same position) I hope you’re happy, you savages!
Audience Member 1: (Applauds enthusiastically) Woo-hoo!  This is AWESOME!
Audience Member 2: (Holds head in hands) Ballet has been ruined for me forever.
Audience Member 1: Aw, too bad, it just got interesting!