Story 630: The Awards Show Took a Turn

            (At a late point in a major film awards show)

M.C.: (Standing center stage and addressing the theater and television audiences as applause trickles away) Well that commercial break went on too long for this time of night – (Glances at a wristwatch) morning – BUT, since we’ve gone this far, let me continue presenting presenters with your next one: last year’s winner of the Best Female Actor in a Drama, ------ -------.

(Applause as Presenter enters from stage right and M.C. walks past to lean against the wall there and lightly doze while waiting for the last few categories)

Presenter: Hi everyone, I’m skipping the script in the interest of time – I think the nominees will thank me along with the rest of the audience.  (Audience members cheer) And the nominees for Best Male Actor in a Drama are: -------- ----- in ------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 1, who nods solemnly in the direction of the stage)

Presenter: ------ ---------- in ----- -----: -------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 2, who smiles and waves wildly at the camera)

Nominee 2: (Muted by the lack of a microphone) I love you, Mom!

Presenter: -------------- ---- in ----------------------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 3, who gives a thumbs-up and a wink at the camera)

Presenter: ---- ------ -------- in --- ------ ------ --------.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 4, who holds up a sign that reads “I’M OWED THIS”)

Presenter: And finally, ---- ------- in ---- ----.

(Audience members applaud as the television camera cuts to Nominee 5, who is scowling and slowly shaking his head in disgust)

Presenter: (Opening the envelope) And the award, for Best Male Actor in a Drama, goes to….

(Television split-screens show the Presenter opening the envelope at the top with the five Nominees at the bottom; Nominees 1-4 show different degrees of restrained eagerness, while Nominee 5 has his eyes closed and is holding up crossed fingers while shaking his head back-and-forth and mouthing “No-no-no-no-” with each shake)

Presenter: (Pulls out the card and gets a paper cut) Oh come on – excuse me – (Reads the card) ---- ------ in ---- ----!

(As most of the audience members applaud, the television camera now only shows Nominee 5 who is surrounded by cheering seatmates and mutedly shouting “No!  Son of a -----!   ---- it!   ---- it to -----!  Un----ing-believable!”; the cheering seatmates lift him out of the seat and hug him, shake his hands, and slap him on the back toward the stage.  When Nominee 5 stops at the bottom of the stairs and raises a fist at the giant award replica at the back of the stage, Nominee 1 in the front row stands to push him up the stairs and then returns to his seat to resume graciously applauding with the rest.  Presenter hands the award to Nominee 5, who stares at it at first and then reluctantly takes it, leaning in toward Presenter to shout over his movie’s theme music)

Nominee 5: I’ve always admired your work!

Presenter: (Clapping) Thank you!  Congratulations!  (Gestures to the microphone) Go at it!

Nominee 5: (Looks at the microphone in loathing) Ughhhh….. (Walks to stand in front of it as the audience members’ applause and the music simultaneously fade out and everyone who was giving a standing ovation sits back down again) OK, this is extremely embarrassing.  (The audience members provide polite laughter) No, this is not a joke – (Gestures toward the audience) not only did any of the other four nominees deserve this award so much more than I did, but as many of you know, the only reason I was nominated in the first place was out of spite, so I can only guess that I “won” – (Does the air quotes) for that same reason, as the veritable icing on this travesty of a filmmaking cake.  (Polite laughter shifts to awkward laughter) I’m being absolutely serious here: anyone with half a brain cell who saw ---- ---- knows that its point was to highlight the unfairness of inequality, and yet the only award nomination, out of all the people who worked on that film – (Holds an arm out toward the area of the theater where others who worked on that film are sitting) many of whom came here tonight to support me because they are such awesome and wonderful human beings, let’s give them a round of applause – (Leads a round of applause, briefly tucking the statue under one arm in order to clap) so the only award nomination being for the dude who played a character representing the oppressive regime this film was critiquing, is the ultimate slap in the face to everything we worked so hard to convey with on this project.  And when I say “we”, I’m barely including myself in that since all I did was recite the lines in the script, which was nothing compared to all the work everyone else did and who should have been nominated for this film.  (Exit music slowly starts to build up) DO NOT PLAY ME OFF!!!  (Exit music abruptly stops; Nominee 5 looks up slightly to address the film industry ether) You created this fiasco – you will sit through the consequences!  Now, I have a list, not of those I want to thank for – ahem – “earning” – (Does the air quotes again) this award, but of all those who should have been nominated – and should have won! – instead of me tonight: ----- ------, Director; ----- ------ and ----- -------, Screenwriters; ----- -------, Lead Female Actor; --- ---------, Cinematographer – (Exit music starts to build up faster) I swear to Hades, if you don’t stop playing that exit music until I’ve finished, I will smash this thing in front of all of you!  (Shakes the statue in emphasis; exit music abruptly stops again) Right: ------ ---------, Composer…. (Goes on for another five minutes) And now, Second Unit –

M.C.: (Peels away from the wall to dash to Nominee 5’s side) Well, I think at this very, very, very late point in the festivities, our audience here and at home would rather the rest of your acknowledgements be an e-mail instead of a meeting, am-I-right?

(Audience members laugh in relief)

Nominee 5: (Glaring at M.C.) Do not do a bit right now.

M.C.: …OK.

Nominee 5: I will stop when I have righted this wrong and not a second earlier, understand?!

M.C.: (Backing away) OK, jeez –

Nominee 5: Justice will be served!  (Back to the microphone) Now, Second Unit!  (Someone approaches from stage right, holds onto Nominee 5’s arm, and leans in to whisper in his ear for a few seconds; the latter nods, then turns back to face the audience again) I’ve just been told by my Director on this project – ----- ------, everyone, please give her a hand for her amazing work!  (Applauds along with the exhausted audience members)  She said that I would be helping my slighted fellow filmmakers more if I posted this list on social media and allow the remainder of tonight’s awards to continue, so I will go do that as soon as I leave this stage.

M.C.: (Mutters while leaning against the side wall again) That’s what I said.

Presenter: (Whispers back soothingly) I know.

Nominee 5: In closing – (Audience members collectively sigh) my winning this award is proof that the whole system is a sham, and I normally would melt down this statue and donate the profits to charity, but I suspect it’s pretty much plastic so in that case I’ll just recycle it.  So: know who the real winners are in life, elections are always a popularity contest, stay in school, and value the art itself because awards mean NOTHING!  And I’d like to take this opportunity to announce that I’m permanently retiring from acting – good night, world!  (Runs off the stage, followed uncertainly by Director and Presenter, as the exit music blasts at full volume, the audience erupts in an uproar, and M.C. returns to the microphone, clapping over-enthusiastically)

M.C.: Well, folks, I think we witnessed several history-making events at this show – we’re unfortunately going to have to speed-run though the Best Director and Best Drama categories in order for the late-night news to air sometime this week, so if there are any complaints, I think you all know exactly who to direct them to.

Story 544: Working at a Renaissance Fair in the Summer

            (At county fairgrounds, attendees and actors roam the faux-Renaissance landscape in various and clashing styles of dress)

Actor 1: (Stationed with Actor 2 near the “castle wall” erected as the fair entrance, bowing and smiling at attendees as they pour through the gate into a temporary land of wonder and magic) Welcome to the Fair, gentles all!  (Whips out a fan and vigorously waves it at self) Good day, good day!  (Stares jealously at all the short sleeves and short pants passing by; in an undertone to Actor 2 while still smiling and bowing) Barely 10:00 in the morning and I’m sweating a waterfall; remind me again why I auditioned for the role of “Duchess”?

Actor 2: (Dressed in a similar but less-ornamental costume, smiling and waving at everyone) You wanted the fancy dress and for everyone to call you “Your Grace”.

Actor 1: Oh right – Good morning! – let’s just bring around the petition again to move this the whole thing to October.

Actor 2: It’ll get defeated again: everyone’s off doing haunted houses by then, and it’ll still be 90°F out anyway – Good day, all!  Welcome, and be sure to sample some mead and a hearty dragon’s leg while ye enjoy our revelry!

Actor 1: (Tugs on bodice) Guess you’re right; probably should skip the corset next time at least – Stop by the main stage soon for the first show of the day; there’ll be dueling of words and swords to satisfy even the most dreaded of scoundrels among ye, aye!

Actor 2: I thought everyone skipped the corset?

Actor 1: I like to be authentic – Huzzah, ye wisely-dressed fairgoers, huzzah!

Actor 2: Huzzah! – I’m taking a break.  (Leaves Actor 1, who is still bowing and smiling through a sheen of perspiration)

(At the jousting field)

Actor 3: (Standing in the middle of the field dressed as a peasant, wearing a body mic, and addressing the audience seated in the bleachers) Welcome to the joust!  Two knights, both alike in valor and combativeness, will meet on this field to test lances, swords, and any other weapons we happen to have lying around here, and battle for your hearts and minds and bloodthirsty entertainment, huzzah!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (As the knights ride out on horseback on opposite sides of the field) And they’re off!  (Runs to a shaded stand off to the side and downs a tankard of water)

(The two knights level their lances and gallop toward each other until their horses stop short, throw off their riders, and trot back to the stables)

Actor 3: (Nearly spits out the water) Blimey.  (Runs back onto the field, stares at the knights as they stagger to their feet, and addresses the audience again) It seems we have a duel!

Audience: Huzzah!

(Actor 3 runs to the shaded stand off to the side again; the knights slowly draw their longswords, reach back, take a wild swing that completely misses the other, and collapse onto the ground; Actor 3 runs back over to them, lifts up the visors on their helmets, and sees their overheated, passed-out faces)

Actor 3: (Lifts up one arm of the knights each) It’s a tie!

Audience: Huzzah!

Actor 3: (To the EMTs as they rush onto the field with stretchers) Is there an extra one I can use?

(In another part of the fairgrounds set up with a makeshift stage and benches for the audience)

Actor 4: (Dressed as a noble, complete with heavy doublet, collar, and cuffs, wipes sweat out of eyes before addressing Actor 5) And I say, a pox on ye and the house you rode in on!

Actor 5: (Dressed as a jester in looser clothing) Surely, my Lord, you mean the horse I rode in on, don’t ye?

Actor 4: Why ye little – (Swings wildly at Actor 5, who dances around in glee)

Actor 5: Hee-hee-hee, can’t catch – !  (Is suddenly punched in the face by Actor 4) Ow!  Hey!

Actor 4: (Wheezing) There – that oughta – shut ye up –

Actor 5: (Holding swelling jaw) Oh yeah?  You’re just jealous because I got a costume that breathes!  (Sticks out tongue at Actor 4)

Actor 4: (Lurches toward Actor 5 with arms outstretched as the latter runs away) VENGEANCE!  (Collapses onto the stage)

Actor 5: (Missed that part and continues running into the maze of vendor tents) I’m calling H.R., hoo-hoo-hoo…!

(Audience members look uncertainly at each other, then several get up from their seats and lean over Actor 4)

Audience Member 1: You OK, dude?

Actor 4: (Eyes remain closed) Oh, I shall be rightly anon; but pray, could one of ye fine folk be so kind as to dump a barrel of water on mine head?  (Another audience member pours the contents of a water bottle onto Actor 4) Aye – that hits the spot.

(At the closing ceremonies, held in a sheltered eating area)

Actor 6: (Dressed as a monarch and standing on a stage surrounded by other actors, addressing the audience members seated at tables and benches) Gentles all, thank ye again for spending this fine, enchanting, blistering day – (An elf collapses on stage) there goes another one – (EMTs unobtrusively cart away the elf) with us, we humble players whose only goal is to entertain ye all and bring a little magic into your banal, horrific lives, even if it is only for a few fleeting hours.

Actor 1: (Standing on ground-level off to the side, glances at a hidden digital watch; in an undertone to Actor 2) 6:00 – I’m out.  (Rips off hairnet, bodice, corset, and skirt, and walks into the nearby lake clad in a chemise)

Actor 6: And now, with the whole company gathered –

Actor 3: (Raises hand) Umm….

Actor 6: With what’s left of the company gathered, one final song to play all you wonderful people out!  (A bard whispers in Actor 6’s ear) It appears that we have lost half our musicians to hyperthermia, and the other half are unable to use their hands and/or vocal cords properly at this point in the day, so please enjoy this anachronistic prerecorded ballad as you all return to your freezing horseless carriages and leave us be at last.  (Hits a button on a boombox so that speakers throughout the fairgrounds blare the tunes of thousands of bagpipes that sound as if they are simultaneously screaming and melting) Until next year!

Audience: Huzzah!

(As the remaining attendees slowly shuffle to the exit, Audience Member 2 walks up to Actor 6)

Audience Member 2: I have to say, I always appreciate all the work everyone here puts into these events – you all must really love what you do, and it shows.

Actor 6: (Removes crown and wrings out wig) So glad to hear it: we sure do this for love of the craft, since no amount of money in the world is worth these working conditions, let me tell you.

Story 482: Isn’t It Magic

(In a packed theater, Magician takes the stage)

Magician: (Bowing to thunderous applause) Thank you!  Thank you, everyone!  And now that I’ve returned the stage to this building after depositing it in the middle of the South Pole, I’m going to play that riskiest of wild cards in live entertainment and ask for a volunteer from the audience!  (Hands are raised and held down equally eagerly)  And just so you don’t think I have a prearranged assistant out there somewhere who has to watch the same show every night, I’m going to favor the higher-paying orchestra seats by tossing out this everyday, innocuous, perfectly innocent rubber ball for one of you randos to catch!  (Waves a hand to make the ball appear out of thin air) If you get hit in the head with this, your ticket purchase means you can’t sue. 

(Magician throws the ball high over the orchestra section where it is fumbled several times on the landing; meanwhile, an audience member from the mezzanine leaps off the railing, lands on a number of upraised hands to crowd surf a bit, and dives for the ball around Row J as others swarm, eventually wrenching it away and holding it aloft)

Magician: (Blinks a few times at the spectacle) Ohhhh-kaaaaay…. From what I could barely see past these blinding lights, whoever actually has the ball now, come on up!

(Volunteer runs up to the stage, leaps up the steps, and hands the ball to Magician, who makes it disappear again with a flourish)

Magician: Hello, welcome, here’s a microphone – (Drops a loop of cords around Volunteer’s neck) so I don’t have to hold one for you, and what’s your name?

Volunteer: I’d rather not announce it to a thousand strangers.

Magician: …We’ll skip that part, then.  And are you enjoying the show so far?

Volunteer: Oh yes, it’s really helping my new career.

Magician: Really, and that is…?

Volunteer: Professional Magic Debunker.

Magician: …What?!

Volunteer: You’re giving me a run for my money tonight but I think I’ve almost got it all figured out, like when everybody here mentally picked out the Queen of Spades `cause it always would be that card no matter what –

Magician: What a character!  On with the next trick!  (Stage crew members wheel out a chalkboard, a table with a hat and cards, and a chair) Now then!  Please have a seat. (Gestures to the chair; Volunteer sits) Have you ever had your mind truly read before?

Volunteer: No, and I never will because there’s no such thing as telepathy.

Magician: Ahahaha! – hold this card.  (Gives Volunteer a card) Now: I have written several numbers and words on that card that will be revealed later – please put it in your pocket for now.  (Volunteer does so).  Right: let’s begin, shall we?  (Holds hands on head while staring at Volunteer; spooky background music plays) Pick a number between 1 and 7,000, and without speaking, send it to my mind.

Volunteer: That’s impossible: the human brain has no capability to receive specific thoughts generated by the neurons of another brain as sensory input.

Magician: (Through gritted teeth) Humor me.  (Closes eyes and holds head again as Volunteer stares back) Got it!  (Writes “3,728” on the chalkboard)

Volunteer: That’s not the number I was thinking.

Magician: Oh?  Are you sure?  THEN WHAT’S IN YOUR POCKET?!

Volunteer: (Pulls out the card from earlier and holds it up for a crew member to film and project on a screen that it reads “3,728”, along with “49”, “BAT”, and “SAGITTARIUS”; the audience members cheer wildly) You already wrote this out and then said the same number just now.  Normally, I think you would have switched out the cards before the big reveal in case you couldn’t steer me to these answers, though.

Magician: (Freezes for a moment, then mutters) Blast, skipped a step.  (Louder) That was just a warm-up!  Now, the real game begins!  (Gestures for Volunteer to stand) Tell me, did you have a wallet on your person when you came up here?

Volunteer: Yes, but you lifted it before I sat down – I didn’t want to cause a scene.  You’d make an excellent thief, by the –

Magician: SO, how did it wind up in that locked box ALL THE WAY UP THERE?!!!!  (Points dramatically to a transparent box sitting on a raised platform stage left where a wallet can be seen inside; the audience members cheer wildly)

Volunteer: (Squints up at it in thought) Hmmmm… ah!  You gave it to one of the stage crew earlier, or that’s not my wallet and you’ll switch it out when you open the box later.

Magician: (Grinning in desperation; to the audience) Isn’t this one hilarious?!  (The audience members laugh)

Volunteer: I wasn’t trying to be funny –

Magician: And on to the last bit!  (Stage crew members remove the other props and wheel out a closed, long rectangular box on a raised platform) And now, with this expert witness, I will astound your minds as I proceed to SAW MYSELF IN HALF!

Volunteer: Wait, what?!

Magician: (Spins the platform around to show the audience all angles, opens all sides of the long box, hops inside to lie down, and closes the sides; to Volunteer) Now, my faithful newly-dubbed assistant, could you please check underneath this platform and all sides and confirm to our lovely audience that there are no mirrors whatsoever?

Volunteer: (Walks around the platform, peering and waving an arm below it and inspecting all sides) Well, no mirrors – (Stops at one point) although there is –

Magician: (Facing away from the audience to address Volunteer through clenched teeth) You want your wallet back?!  I also took your cell phone and an incriminating locket.

Volunteer: – nothing to see here!

Magician: (Back to the audience) Wonderful!  And here we go!  (Picks up a hand saw that was lying next to the box and saws self in half) Ooh!  Ow!  Eek!  Aha!  Faithful assistant, please pull me apart!  (Volunteer pulls the lower half of the box away that has Magician’s feet poking out of the end and waving around; the upper half waves at the audience which is cheering wildly) Now spin me!  (Volunteer spins the lower half around and then walks over to the upper half to spin that as well, to even louder cheers) Now put me back together!

Volunteer: (Reconnecting the halves) I must say, the engineering –

Magician: Isn’t this a wonderful assistant, folks?!  (The audience members cheer wildly) And now, assistant, open the box!  (Volunteer opens the lids; the intact Magician leaps out and bows to thunderous applause) Thank you!  You’ve been a wonderful audience!  (Turns to Volunteer, grabs a bunch of items out of various pockets, and hands them to the latter while removing the microphone) And you!  (Mutters) Not so great.

Volunteer: (Looks back up to the stage left platform) Hey, what happened to the box that should’ve had my wallet?!

Magician: Aha, what box?  (Menacingly) You see what I want you to see.  (Smiles broadly, then pulls a bouquet of real flowers from Volunteer’s ear) A memento for your time here tonight!

Volunteer: (Accepts the bouquet gingerly) I have to admit, that conjuring bit always gets me.

Story 282: Heard From Backstage at the Ballet

(In a theater)

Audience Member 1: Even though the ballet is horribly dull and I’m constantly having to guess what on Earth is going at any given moment, at least you got us pretty decent seats considering how cheap they were.

Audience Member 2: Yeah, we’re in the next-to-last-row, but at least they’re not too far from the center – not like those poor saps up in the side balconies.

Audience Member 1: I don’t even know why they bothered putting seats over there when you can only see ¾ of the action; I’d feel like I’m missing out on something everyone else is laughing at.

(Lights dim)

Audience Member 2: Ooh, shut up, it’s starting!

Audience Member 1: (Whispering) You’re the one talking.

Audience Member 2: (Whispering) Just making sure – this is The Ballet, not A Concert, so no screaming your praise throughout the whole show, please.

Audience Member 1: (Sighs) So dull.

(The music begins, the curtain rises, and the dancers emerge.  The principals have several solos and duets, then gracefully trot off stage left)

Audience Member 1: (Whispering) Hey, I can still see them backstage!

Audience Member 2: (Whispering) Uh-oh.  They didn’t pull the curtain over far enough.  Hope they notice soon that they can see us; that’ll clue them in –

Lead Dancer 1: (Heard by the entire audience over the music) You rushed the pas de deux again!

Lead Dancer 2: I did not, you were dragging!  Keep up the pace, you’re throwing the rest of us off our game!

Lead Dancer 1: Ugh, I wish the music wasn’t canned so I could tell the conductor to ignore you!  (Silence for a few seconds) Would you look at that, blood all over my shoes already and it’s only the middle of Act 1 – I beat my record!

(One of the on-stage dancers runs off stage left; the entire audience is facing that direction and ignoring the remaining dancers struggling on like champs)

Ensemble Dancer: Guys, take it to the dressing room, everyone can hear you!

Lead Dancer 1: Oh good, let them finally realize that beneath all the magic lies slave labor!

Lead Dancer 2: Hardly – we’re all getting paid.

Lead Dancer 1: Not nearly enough!  As you can see by this disgusting footwear that I’m waving in your face, my feet have been utterly obliterated by this cruel taskmaster called The Dance!  Is there enough money in the world to restore both my feet and my soul to their original condition?!

Stage Manager: Look, either keep it down or get back out there for your missed cues – you are ruining the show!

Audience Member 1: (Shouts) Let them finish, I want to hear what happens next!

Audience Member 2: Ssh!  Don’t embarrass me!

(The dancers who had remained on the stage stumble to a stop; Lead Dancer 1 hobbles out on bleeding feet to face the audience)

Lead Dancer 1: (While the soundtrack still is playing, holds the bloody ballet shoes aloft) Is this what you want?!  Us literally bleeding for your entertainment?!  (Is carried off by the stage crew, holding the same position) I hope you’re happy, you savages!

Audience Member 1: (Applauds enthusiastically) Woo-hoo!  This is AWESOME!

Audience Member 2: (Holds head in hands) Ballet has been ruined for me forever.

Audience Member 1: Aw, too bad, it just got interesting!