Showing posts with label virus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label virus. Show all posts

Thursday, March 6, 2025

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Wednesday, January 2, 2019

Story 270: Have Yourself a Merry Little Stomach Virus; Or, The Time-Activated Gift That Keeps on Giving



            (At a New Year’s Eve Party)
            Friend 1: (To Host) These parties are great and all, I’m just saying maybe once in a while we should have them on New Year’s Day, keep things interesting, know-what-I-mean?
            Host: …Yeah, no.  (Leaves to wash dishes)
           Friend 1: (Sips drink) It’s only 11:00 and no one gets me.  (Is handed a box) Oh, is this for me?  Thank you.  (Sets down drink and opens box; inside is a watch nestled in a pile of glittery tissue paper) What’s this?
            Virus: A timer.  To count down the hours until you feel the full effects of the stomach virus that you just caught, ha-HA!  Which is me, by the way; sorry I blew past the formal introduction there.
            Friend 1: (Stares at Virus, then at watch, then back at Virus) I’m sorry, I didn’t think I was that drunk yet – are you our Host’s new neighbor or something?
            Virus: (Pats the top of Friend 1’s head) Oh silly child, you’ll never even know what you did to let me in.  I’ve already gotten half the people in this place, and I’m now working on the other half – some of you guys are wily though, especially that one who keeps using hand sanitizer every 30 minutes.  Ironically, that only makes my brethren and me stronger in the long run.  (Looks up sharply) Dang it, someone else washed their hands after using the bathroom!  (Back to Friend 1) Oh well: the goal is always 100%, but we’ll settle for a 95% maximum, hm?  Cheers.  (Moves on)
           Friend 2: (Arrives carrying a tray of pizza rolls while munching on them and sees Friend 1 staring at the box) What’s that, a revenge gift from someone who forgot you last week?
            Friend 1: Close – apparently, I now have a stomach virus that will hit me in exactly… (Peers at watch) 47 hours, 17 minutes, and 35 – 34 – 33 –
            Friend 2: (Sets down tray and looks over at the watch) Oh, you got one of those; yeah, I saw a whole bunch of people have them tonight.  Bummer, dude.
            Friend 1: I see you don’t.
           Friend 2: `Cause I’m constantly washing my hands and I don’t hug or kiss anybody, ever.  And seeing as you’ve now been gifted, I’m not speaking to you for literally the rest of this year.  (Moves to pick up the tray)
            Friend 1: (Grabs Friend 2’s sleeve) Wait a minute –
            Friend 2: Don’t touch me, Afflicted!
            Friend 1: (Releases sleeve) All right, but please don’t leave me all alone, I’m scared!
            Friend 2: Of what?  It’s not even going to happen until later this week and it’ll just be a day of hurling your guts out, then it’s all over and life resumes like it never happened.
           Friend 1: Easy for you to say, you don’t have an appointment with the toilet in less than two days!
            Friend 2: I’ve already served my time; I shouldn’t have to again so soon.  Besides, what could I possibly do to help while you’re barfing, hold your hand?
            Friend 1: (Looks down and toes the floor) Maybe….
            Friend 2: Ew; look, when it happens, have some ginger or chamomile tea, call out from work if you can, and sleep the rest of it off, that’s really all you can do.  (Snatches the glass that Friend 1 is downing out of the latter’s hand) And stop drinking this stuff; it’s only going to aggravate it!
             Friend 1: (Sniffs) It’s absolute rot that I have to start off a brand New Year doomed.
          Friend 2: Yeah, well, I have to go into work early tomorrow morning, so we’ll be miserable together – happy?
            Virus: (Slinks by Friend 2) Hello there.  You wouldn’t happen to want to take a sip from your friend’s glass, would you?
            Friend 2: Buzz off, Bacteria!  (Tosses glass’s contents at Virus)
           Virus: (Sighs and moves on, muttering) I am a virus – honestly, we don’t even look anything alike.  And what am I going to do with all these extra boxes if my quota isn’t filled?!
            Friend 1: Guess I should get my affairs in order before the big day.
          Friend 2: Oh please.  Go have your pity party in the corner somewhere; I’m going with the other sheep to watch the ball drop.  (Picks up the tray and uses it to keep others away) Out of my way with your microscopic hitchhikers!

FORTY-SEVEN HOURS LATER

            Friend 2: (Answers phone) Hello?
            Friend 1: It’s almost time.
           Friend 2: For the love of – why are you still awake?!  Go to sleep and maybe by the morning it’ll have left.
          Friend 1: I’m afraid if I sleep I won’t wake up in time; I made an unobstructed path to the bathroom just in case.
            Friend 2: Well, goody for you.  Can I go back to bed now?
            Friend 1: All right, here we go: the watch says I have 5, 4, 3 –
            Friend 2: Arrrrrgggghhhh….
            Friend 1: – 2 – 1.  (The watch beeps loudly, ending with an ominous “HA, HA, HA.”) This is it.
            Friend 2: OK, all the best, bye!
            Friend 1: Wait!
            Friend 2: What?
            Friend 1: (Almost disappointed) Nothing happened.
            Friend 2: Well there you go: a literal false alarm, heh-heh.
            Friend 1: Although – mm – I feel weirdly hungry – but also oddly full –
            Friend 2: Yep, that’s it, don’t envy you right now, just ride it out, gotta go!
            Friend 1: Hold on, you can’t hang up on me now, what if I need you?
            Friend 2: For what?!
            Friend 1: Moral support.
            Friend 2: Just go to sleep!  Nothing more can be done for you!
            Friend 1: Ow, now you’re hurting my head.
           Friend 2: Good, `cause you’re hurting mine since I have to get up in five hours and it’ll take me at least one of those to fall asleep again!  Don’t even think about calling me until this is over!  (Disconnects)
           Friend 1: (Sets down the phone as stomach rumbles) I know – hang in there, buddy, hang in there.

TWO DAYS LATER

            (At a diner)
          Friend 2: (Watching Friend 1 devour a sandwich) You know, this may give you another stomach problem for an unrelated reason.
            Friend 1: (With mouth full) I don’t care: this is the first real meal I’ve had in over a day.  (Slurps water)
            Friend 2: So, did we learn anything from all of this?
            Friend 1: Yep: no matter what we do, the hand of Fate can always strike us down.
            Friend 2: What?  No, it was: try to keep yourself clean, and handle any illness you get with at least a modicum of self-respect, you big baby!
            Friend 1: Eh, different strokes.  (Starts destroying a brownie)
          Friend 2: And you should really work your way up to that.  (Is handed a box) What’s this?  (Friend 1 freezes mid-bite; Friend 2 opens the box and slowly pulls out a watch in horror)
            Virus: Got ya!
            Friend 2: NOOOOOOOO!!!!
          Virus: At last!  95%!  In your face, Common Cold!   (Continues making deliveries throughout the diner)
        Friend 1: (Resumes eating as Friend 2 stares at the watch that reads 47:20:13-12-11….) Guess the hand of Fate strikes again.  But don’t worry: it’ll all be over in a few days so just have some tea, sleep it off, and make sure you keep some self-respect.
            Friend 2: If I can ever prove that I got this from you, then I’m really not speaking to you for the rest of this year.