(In a living room)
Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends. You have your assigned lists at the ready? (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then. (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!
Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….
(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)
Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!
Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you! The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!
Parent: (Disgusted) Get up. (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later. (To Child 2) Open up. (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.
Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.
Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.
Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …
(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)
Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.
Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.
Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.
Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.
Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)
Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in? (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go! (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)
(At the next store)
Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –
Child 1: Should we check another aisle?
Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….
Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?
Child 2: Thank goodness, no. (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)
Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?
Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.
Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!
Child 1: …Marketing confusion?
Parent: Apparently. All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward! (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)
Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey! (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?! (The entire line of customers becomes silent)
Parent: Doooooo I have to?
Employee: Well – no….
Parent: Then yes. (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)
Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….
(Hours and 15 stores later)
Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it! I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!
Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.
Parent: That dinky little village shop! I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-! (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.
Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –
Parent: NEVER! (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)
(Hours later in the new store)
Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.
Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here! (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it. At long last, this is it.
Child 2: Success?
Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.
Child 1: But you just did.
Parent: That was a hypothetical quote. (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.
Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo! Let’s get on line before the store closes.
Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.
Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!
Child 2: Oh. (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....
Child 1: Exactly.
(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)
Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant. I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.
Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?
Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?
Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?
Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?
Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.
