Story 648: Home Repair Ignorance Is Not Bliss

             (In a house, Resident sleepily shuffles into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door with one hand while rubbing eyes with the other)

Refrigerator: <Sounds of parts grinding) [You never vacuumed my coils and now my workings are all clogged up!]

Resident: (Grabbing a juice carton out from the back of the crowded shelf) <Yawn> Quit your moaning; I’ll get on it.  (Lets the door slam shut and shuffles away)

Refrigerator: [And my shelves are a mess!  You have multiple uninvited colonies of microbes living in here, did you know that?!  Hellloooo??!!]

Resident: (Barely staying awake while slumped at the kitchen table, drinking from the carton and eating from a box of cereal) Mm-hmmm…. Right… on it…. 

SIX MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks in through the front door after work, drops a messenger bag onto the floor, flings off shoes, then stops and sniffs the air)

Resident: Almost smells like something’s on fire.  Interesting.

(Hunts through the house, lifts up an area rug, smells a shirt that is lying on the couch, then realizes that the smell is coming from the vents)

Resident: Huh, wonder what that could be?

(Tiredly lifts up a door in the laundry room floor, then slides down a stepladder into the crawl space and wiggles over to the furnace)

Furnace: <Sounds of parts grinding> [You haven’t had anyone give me a tune-up since you moved in!  I won’t be responsible for the consequences!]

Resident: (Knocks lightly on an outside panel, then shrugs and wiggles back to the stepladder) Ah, why bother – it’s still summer.

Furnace: [GAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!] 

THREE MONTHS LATER 

(Resident is lying on the couch watching a movie on a large-screen TV when a loud <KLUNK!> is heard in the near distance)

Resident: (Pauses the movie) Yes?

Washing Machine: <Muffled sounds of parts grinding> [If I’m making noises when I’m not even ON, there’s a problem!]

Resident: (Listens to the noises for a few more seconds, then shrugs and resumes the movie) Eh, no rush to do anything about it now. 

TWO MONTHS LATER 

(Resident walks into the bathroom, humming, then stops on seeing water pooled around the bottom edge of the toilet)

Resident: Hmmmm…. (Thinks for a few moments, then grabs a large bath towel from a rack, piles it around the bottom edge of the toilet, and nods in satisfaction) Problem solved.  (Grabs deodorant and sprays self all over on the way out, humming again)

Toilet: <Constant sound of running water> [Un… believable….] 

ONE MONTH LATER 

(Resident walks to the bedroom in pajamas and suddenly hears a loud <CREAK!>)

Resident: (Stops in the hallway, then looks up at the ceiling) Ghosts finally move in?

House: <Creaking> [No, you idiot, I’m infested with termites and they’re eating me alive!  Or should I say dead, since the trees used to make me had to be CHOPPED DOWN in their prime!  Don’t you see the sawdust piles those invaders leave, or notice that the wooden walls and floors lately sound extremely hollow?!  Or did this all just blend in with your regular mess?!]

Resident: (Looks down and sees several sawdust piles) Huh – wonder where those came from?  (Knocks on a nearby wall that sounds suspiciously hollow)

Termites: [No one’s home!]

Resident: OK then – nighty-night.  (Shuffles into the bedroom and flops onto the bed)

House: (To the termites) [Oh go ahead – this’ll be the ultimate revenge.] 

ONE DAY LATER 

(Resident hears knocking at the front door and opens it)

Resident: Hi!  Do I know you?

Town Official: Thankfully not: I’m posting a notice that your house has been condemned – please exit before it collapses on you.  (Posts a notice on the outside of the screen door)

Resident: Well, there must be some mistake.  You sure you’re at the right address?

Town Official: (Looks around at the lopsided house, yards-high grass, and bifurcated driveway, then back at Resident) Quite sure.  There have been numerous notices mailed to you about this issue.

Resident: (Leans against a door jamb, which immediately breaks off; leans against the opposite door jamb instead) Oh really?  `Cause this certainly is the first I’m hearing about it!

Town Official: (Casts a glance at the mail pile on the stoop that has reached the top of the mailbox fixed next to the front door) I don’t doubt it.  Now, please come with me to Town Hall where we can start processing all the fines you need to pay and discuss razing everything to the ground and starting over – with any luck, you may avoid jail time.  (Turns and carefully walks around the cracks in the ground while heading toward a car that is parked half a block away)

Resident: (Hops around obstacles on the ground) This – is – unacceptable!  I demand an explanation!

Town Official: (Turns back to Resident as they both reach the safety of the street) I literally just gave one.  You can follow me to Town Hall if you don’t know the way there – I’d offer you a ride, but I don’t want your chaos infecting my car.

Resident: Well, you can tell “Town Hall” that they’ve gone too far!  This is overreach, to the worst extreme!  My house is perfectly fine, and I will take care of any supposed issues that arise inside, outside, above, and/or below it, without some patronizing unseen force that thinks it can tell me what to do just because it makes sure my recycling is picked up and education is provided and whatever, meddling in my personal affairs!  Everything is, always has been, and always will be, PERFECTLY!  FINE!!

House: [That’s our cue, folks!]

(The entire structure collapses, down through the crawl space and beyond)

Malfunctioning Appliances: [We’re free, hurrah!]

(Resident and Town Official stare at the self-imposed demolition until it finally settles with a whimper)

Resident: (Eventually turns back to Town Official) My taxes cover fixing that, right?

Town Official: I’m sorry: we don’t meddle in personal affairs.

Resident: Guess I deserved that.

Story 646: The Back-up House Sitter

 FRIDAY 

(On the living room floor in house, Sibling 2 is rolling up clothes into teeny-tiny balls and shoving as many of them as possible into an average-sized suitcase)

Sibling 2: (Using entire body to push the giant pile into all available spaces and then shove the cover down on top) C’mon…. (Quickly zips up the bulging suitcase) Yes!  Ha!  (Suddenly sees a toiletry bag and a pair of dress shoes that were on the floor just out-of-sight) Dangit!  (Starts unzipping the suitcase, then stops to check a text message alert, eyes widening while reading) Oh no – oh no – oh no-no-no-no-no – (Interrupted by the phone ringing, Sibling 2 hesitates slightly before answering it) Hiiiii – oh, there they go.  (Stares at the clothes balls that escaped from the suitcase)

Sibling 1: (Reclined on a couch in an apartment, watching TV and eating potato chips) Huh?

Sibling 2: Never mind – what’s up?

Sibling 1: Not much, just wondering if you’re not busy this weekend and wanted to hang out.

Sibling 2: (Props phone onto shoulder against ear to shove clothes back into the suitcase) Ha-ha, you’re hilarious.

Sibling 1: (Chews) Naw, I mean it – I’m actually off on Saturday and got nothing planned, so you wanna go out to the arcade or the movies or something?

Sibling 2: (Freezes in disbelief) Are you serious right now?!

Sibling 1: (Dumps the rest of the bag’s contents into mouth) Of course.  Nothing different than what we normally do, though it is a little last-minute, sorry.

Sibling 2: (Slowly stands and speaks with control) Tomorrow, you’re driving me to the airport for me to get to the cruise ship.  For my vacation, that I’ve been planning for over a year.

Sibling 1: (Freezes mid-chew, then swallows) That’s tomorrow?

Sibling 2: YES!

Sibling 1: Guess that’s why I’m off from work then, huh.

Sibling 2: I guess so!

Sibling 1: Ah jeez, I thought it was next month, you know, since it’s an end-of-summer vacation and all that.

Sibling 2: This week is the end of summer!  Unofficially.

Sibling 1: (Leans very far back over an arm of the couch to peer at a wall calendar in the kitchen, then returns to reclining) Oh yeah – time flies.

Sibling 2: You know, I would say “Unbelievable”, but knowing you, it is believable, and I think the word I’m really looking for is “Typical”.

Sibling 1: (Rips open a bag of popcorn and starts working on that) Whelp, no harm, no foul: now it’s ingrained in my mind to pick you up for the airport run tomorrow – 3 p.m., right?

Sibling 2: (Sighs in relief) Yes, thank you, I do appreciate it.  I’d drive myself if the parking fees didn’t cost almost as much as the flight.

Sibling 1: Yeah – I’d even fly you myself if my pilot’s license hadn’t been revoked.  [Crunch-crunch]

Sibling 2: (Resumes struggling with the suitcase) I don’t even wanna go there.  This trip is costing me a fortune just getting there and back, so I hope it’s worth it.

Sibling 1: Well, I’m glad you’re finally going on this trip; you’ve been wanting to go for years.

Sibling 2: Yeah, I kept letting things get in the way, and then one day I realized I’m not getting any younger and there’ll eventually be a point where I can’t go on trips like this anymore, so I’d better stop putting it off, you know?

Sibling 1: Definitely!  We’re all born with a ticking clock: we just don’t know when it’ll wind down, or if something’ll smash it instead.

Sibling 2: That’s… profoundly disturbing.

Sibling 1: OR: disturbingly profound.

Sibling 2: OK, enough of that: the point is, with the plane costs and the hotel costs and the cruise costs and the excursion costs and all the other costs along the way, I gotta save where I can, although the house sitting part was an unexpected add-on I almost forgot about, and now I just got a message with a last-minute cancellation and I’ve gotta scramble to find someone else.  (Shoves shoes into the suitcase toe-first)

Sibling 1: Hold on: “house sitting”?  (Slurps a drink through a straw)

Sibling 2: Yeah, since I’m gonna be away for over a week, I got some service to take care of the lawn and the plants and make sure the place doesn’t get robbed and all that.  At least I did, up until right before you called about five minutes ago.  (Sits on the closed suitcase to zip it up again)

Sibling 1: (Sits up with a furrowed brow) And you’re paying someone to do that?!

Sibling 2: (Stops zipping) Yes…?

Sibling 1: Dude!  Why?!  I’d do it for you for free!

Sibling 2: (Fidgets with the zipper) Uh, well, I didn’t want to ask, I know you’re busy –

Sibling 1: Not too busy for my own flesh and blood!  And outside of work, I’m really not busy, ever.

Sibling 2: (Fidgeting with the suitcase locks) Well, that’s OK, you’re already doing the airport bit, I didn’t want to bother you with the house too, or bother Mom and Dad, either.

Sibling 1: (Stands and paces in excitement) Nonsense!  It’ll be a vacation for me also, away from the mundanity of my humdrum life!  Just give me a list of what you were gonna have the other folks do and I’ll take care of everything!  Ooh, this’ll be so much fun!

Sibling 2: Uh, I don’t know….

Sibling 1: (Stops pacing) What, you don’t think I can handle it?

Sibling 2: Well, frankly, you didn’t even remember I was going away tomorrow when you are the one taking me there!

Sibling 1: (Waves a hand dismissively) Oh, that – I remembered in general, I just lost track of the specifics.  Now, it’s all settled: get your money back for getting cancelled on, put it toward souvenirs for yourself, and write up what you want me to do at the house and make sure there’s enough dessert that I can get to and I’ll handle the rest, all right, OK, byeeeeeee!!!!  (Ends the call, skips to the bedroom, and throws clothes into an overnight bag)

Sibling 2: (Tosses the phone onto the rug and slumps off the suitcase) I may regret this. 

SATURDAY 

(At an airport drop-off lane for departures, Sibling 1 forces Sibling 2’s car into a space between a giant truck and a giant van)

Sibling 1: (Gets out of the driver side and stares at a plane taking off while Sibling 2 dashes out of the passenger side to grab the bursting suitcase and a carry-on bag from the trunk) You ever wonder why it’s called an “airport” and not an “airplane port”?

Sibling 2: (Pauses briefly while hoisting out the suitcase) What?

Sibling 1: I mean, there’s “train station”; why not “airplane station”?  We’re not flying, the planes are.  And it sounds like it’s a port made up of air rather than a port to the air.

Sibling 2: (Slams the trunk door shut) Yeah, I’m not gonna miss this while I’m gone.  You’ll be OK getting home?

Sibling 1: Oh yeah, it’s just rush hour on the turnpike – I tune that all out.

Sibling 2: Thought so.  (They hug, then Sibling 2 starts heading over to one of the entrance doors) I’ll let you know when I get there!

Sibling 1: Thanks!  Have a great time!  And don’t worry about a thing here while you’re gone!  (Waves at Sibling 2)

Sibling 2: (Waves back with a grimace) Thanks!  (Turns away and mutters) I’ll try not to.

(On the line for Security, Sibling 2 is almost up to the screening section when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Answering the call; in a low voice) Hi, everything OK?  You back at the house yet?

Sibling 1: (On the phone at Sibling 2’s front door) Yeah, everything’s fine – just wondering where you leave your house key?

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes in exasperation) I gave you a house key years ago.

Sibling 1: Hm?  Oh yeah, that’s… somewhere, so I’m looking for the key you leave here, like under a fake rock or a fake tree or something like that.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth) I never leave a key under a fake anything.

Sibling 1: Got it.  You didn’t board yet, right?

Sibling 2: No…?!

Sibling 1: Great – I’ll pop back over there in about an hour and you can just toss the key you used earlier over the security rope –

Sibling 2: (Extremely calm) Go to Mom and Dad and get their key, OK?

Sibling 1: Eh, I don’t want them pitying me.

Sibling 2: I don’t care!

Sibling 1: Well I do.

Sibling 2: You – !

Sibling 1: (Suddenly pulls out a giant ring of keys from a pants pocket) Oh, wait, never mind, key’s right here, forgot I had this whole thing.

Sibling 2: (Grinding teeth again) Are you sure?

Sibling 1: You bet!  (Props phone on shoulder against ear and starts flipping through the many keys, one by one) It’s alllllll under control….

Sibling 2: Good.  Good-bye.  (Ends the call, then turns to a security agent at a counter) House-sitting family member.

Security Agent: You have my sympathies. 

SUNDAY 

(Text messages)                                                         

                                                                                    Sibling 2:

                                                                                    1:30 a.m.

                                                                                    I landed!

Sibling 1:

1:30 a.m.

Great!

                                                                                    1:31 a.m.

                                                                                    Sorry if I woke you!

1:31 a.m.

Nope, I’m up!

                                                                                    Have a good night, then!

1:32 a.m.

Hah, you mean morning, don’t you? LOL                

                                                                                    1:32 a.m.

                                                                                    I have no idea what time it is

                                                                                    right now

            1:33 a.m.

Know the feeling. Sleep well, and have fun!

                                                                                    1:33 a.m.

                                                                                    Thanks!

                                                                                   

                                                                                    9:45 a.m.

                                                                                    Almost forgot – did you set

                                                                                    the alarm before you went to bed?

 

                                                                                    9:46 a.m.

                                                                                    You awake?

            9:47 a.m.

            ….

                                                                                                9:48 a.m.

                                                                                                Are you OK?

            9:48 a.m.

            K        

                                                                                                9:49 a.m.

                                                                                                Read my earlier message again 

                                                                                                when you’re fully conscious – I’m 

                                                                                                off to dinner, bye!

            10:10 a.m.

            K

 MONDAY 

(Sibling 2 is on an upper deck of a cruise ship as it slowly leaves port at the start of the voyage, leaning on a railing while taking in the view, and then the dials Sibling 1 for a video call)

Sibling 2: Hi!  Sorry, are you at work?

Sibling 1: (Holding the phone extremely close up) Not until tonight!  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: We’re off!  (Pans the phone around to show the receding shoreline and the open sea)

Sibling 1: Wow, the water there is so blue!

Sibling 2: (Faces the phone back to self) I know, right?  I’ll take lots of pictures so it’ll almost be like you’re here!

Sibling 1: Great, `cause I’m sure as heck never getting myself out there!

Sibling 2: Heh, yeah.  So, how’s everything at the old homestead?

Sibling 1: (Distractedly) Oh, it’s all good, all good….

Sibling 2: Is anything wrong?

Sibling 1: Oh no, not “wrong”, per se….

Sibling 2: But…?

Sibling 1: Well, while we’re on the subject of water – hypothetically speaking, if there was, say… a leak somewhere –

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and lowers head) Oh no.

Sibling 1: Totally not my hypothetical fault, by the way, but if there was, what kind of person would you call if something like that were to may or may not happen, say?

Sibling 2: (Wearily raises head) A plumber.

Sibling 1: Yes, that’s what I thought – and the number for such a person would be…?

Sibling 2: On the list that’s posted on the fridge.

Sibling 1: Right!  Well, good to know on the off-chance I ever need to call such an individual – which I shouldn’t!  (A towel briefly crosses the screen)

Sibling 2: Just turn the shut-off valve on whatever’s the nearest pipe to the issue and send me the bill later.

Sibling 1: Oh good, thanks – I mean, don’t think about anything here at all, and focus on the great time you’re having on the party ship, bye-bye-bye!  (Ends the call with an off-screen splash)

(Sibling 2 pockets the phone with a sigh and leans head against the railing)

Server: (Holds a tray of glasses out to Sibling 2) Drink?

Sibling 2: (Looks up at Server) No thanks, but right now I wish I did. 

WEDNESDAY 

(On a beach, Sibling 2 stares at the gentle waves from a lounge chair)

Sibling 2: That really is a lot of blue…. (Phone rings; Sibling 2 sits up suddenly and answers) Oh no, what now?

Sibling 1: What, I can’t call just to say “Hi”?

Sibling 2: Not when I’m supposed to be relaxing, and you never call just to say “Hi”.

Sibling 1: True – who does, anyway?

Sibling 2: So, what disaster now?

Sibling 1: Worst case scenario there; I’m only curious where you get your ice cream, that’s all.

Sibling 2: …There was a full gallon in the freezer.

Sibling 1: Yes.  There was.

Sibling 2: I’m sure you’ll figure out how to go on – bye.  (Ends the call and lies back down with eyes closed) I’ll be shocked if there’s any food left in the house by the time I get back. 

FRIDAY 

(Sibling 2 walks through hills of ruins, pondering the ephemerality of life, when the cell phone rings)

Sibling 2: (Sighs) Almost wish I didn’t spring for the international plan and just stayed on radio silence this whole time.  (Answers the phone) Everything OK?

Sibling 1: What makes you think something’s wrong?

Sibling 2: Gee, I don’t know, precedence?!

Sibling 1: OK, you got me there.  Where are you now?

Sibling 2: Surrounded by an ancient city destroyed by time, and at the moment wishing I could join them.

Sibling 1: Hilarious.  Weather there nice?

Sibling 2: Very hot, but there’s a breeze from the sea every so often.

Sibling 1: Oh good: enjoy it.

Sibling 2: That sounds ominous: why?

Sibling 1: Because by my count, back home we’ve had 15 thunderstorms in seven days, 11 of which have flooded pretty much everything.

Sibling 2: The house flooded?!

Sibling 1: What?  Oh no, the house is fine – everything else around here flooded though, including my car.

Sibling 2: What about my car?

Sibling 1: Haven’t touched it – it’s high up the driveway so it should be fine.

Sibling 2: “Haven’t touched”…?  I asked you to take it out around the block by Wednesday!

Sibling 1: What, like out for a walk?

Sibling 2: For a drive, doofus!  I don’t want a dead battery by the time I get back!  It was on the list you told me to give you!

Sibling 1: …Oh right, guess I missed that one.

Sibling 2: It’s OK, just – wait, if it’s been constantly pouring rain like you said, I hope you also ignored the part that said to water the plants every other day?

Sibling 1: …Oh my, I see a neighbor needing their car bailed out on the street, gotta go!  (Ends the call)

Sibling 2: (To the ruins) Can I stay here?  (The phone rings again; Sibling 2 answers) What.

Sibling 1: Almost forgot – reason I called: if, hypothetically speaking, there was an oversight one night where the side gate was left open, about how many furry creatures of varying sizes and temperaments are you comfortable with hanging out in the backyard?  In theory?

Sibling 2: …I’m going back to hanging out with a fallen civilization now – bye.  (Ends the call and pockets the phone, then looks out to the horizon) Sing in me, Muse, of helpless relatives…. 

SATURDAY 

            (Text messages)

                                                                                                Sibling 2:

                                                                                                10:30 p.m.

                                                                                                I landed!

            Sibling 1:

            10:30 p.m.

            Yay!  Glad that all went well and you’re

            back safe and sound!

                                                                                                10:31 p.m.

                                                                                               Yes, thankfully!  So, I should be 

                                                                                               done with Customs and getting 

                                                                                               my luggage in about an hour, so 

                                                                                               I’ll wait where you originally

                                                                                               dropped me off, probably by 

                                                                                               11:30, OK?

            10:32 p.m.

            ….

                                                                                                10:33 p.m.

                                                                                                You forgot you also have to

                                                                                                PICK ME UP FROM 

                                                                                                THE AIRPORT, didn’t you

            10:34 p.m.

            OF COURSE NOT!!!

                                                                                                10:34 p.m.

                                                                                                Uh huh

            10:35 p.m.

            Hypothetically speaking, which airport

                                                                                                10:35 p.m.

                                                                                                I have to deplane now –

                                                                                                check the flight details 

                                                                                                I sent you and I’ll call 

                                                                                                when I’m outside – bye

 SEVERAL HOURS LATER 

(Back at Sibling 2’s house, the suitcase and carry-on bag are tossed aside on the living room floor as Sibling 1 and Sibling 2 collapse on opposite ends of the couch)

Sibling 2: I don’t think I’ve ever been so drained after getting away from it all.

Sibling 1: Hm.  But you had a good time, though.

Sibling 2: I had a great time.  I’ll tell you all about it and show you photos when I’ve fully reset from the jet lag.

Sibling 1: Cool.

Sibling 2: And I got you some extra souvenirs for watching the house and driving me to and from the airport and all that.

Sibling 1: Sweet.  You didn’t have to, though.

Sibling 2: Yes I did.

Sibling 1: Well, sorry I turned out not to be the best back-up house sitter, but I managed not to burn the place down, so there’s that.

Sibling 2: That you did… not.  (Sighs in contentment and looks around the living room) After such a nice trip, it’s good to be back.  (Chuckles) Kind of afraid to look at how much mail’s waiting for me, though.

Sibling 1: (Eyes widen) Be right back – forgot something in the car.  (Runs out of the room)

Sibling 2: (Closes eyes and smiles as the front door opens and there are noises of scrambling and falling items by the mailbox) Yep – good to be back.

Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 567: How Many People Does It Take to Put Up a Christmas Tree?!

            (In the living room of a house, a large crowd has gathered)

Father: (Standing at one end of the room to address the multitude) All right, folks, it’s time to get serious: we are putting up the Christmas tree today, and this year, we’re doing it right.  (Slices open a large cardboard box filled with tree parts) Now: (Points to the box) tree – (Points to several more boxes on the couch) extra lights – (Points to many, many other boxes piled throughout the room and spilling out into the hallway) ornaments and winter wonderland paraphernalia.  I want everything up and twinkling, sparkling, or otherwise holly-jollying within the afternoon before even the thought of dinner crosses anyone’s frontal lobes.  I will not have a repeat of last year’s debacle, where the so-called “Easy Peasy Twee Tree” that was guaranteed to be up and running in 10 minutes, instead took seven-and-a-half hours, thanks to multiple unauthorized breaks and other shenanigans that will no longer be tolerated.

Child 1: But Dad, the game was on!

Father: (Faces Child 1 with unleashed wrath) I DON’T CARE ABOUT THE GAME.

Child 1: (In breathless horror) Heresy….

Father: (Back to the rest of the crowd) This beauty is pre-lit and the extra lights are back-up only, so no excuses that all the strings were tangled or one bulb was burned out, understand?  (The others nod) OK, I think that covers everything: let’s get to it!

(Everyone scatters to assemble the tree and decorate the living room and any other area that can fit a knickknack)

Child 1: (Digging through mounds of tissue-paper-wrapped ornaments in a large container) Can I put the star on top?

Child 2: (Holding the bottom section of the tree as Father attaches the upper layers) Is it a star this year or Santa?

Father: (Finishes attaching the tree parts and moves on to plug the lights into multiple outlets on a cord) Neither: this year we’re putting the light-up angel on top if I can find where to plug it into the other end of this thing.

Cousin: (Holding up a nutcracker soldier) Where does this fella go?

Father: (Stringing garlands around the tree) Anywhere you find an open space!  (Cousin shrugs and plops it onto the dining room table)

Aunt: (Hanging a handmade ornament on a tree branch) Aw, I remember when one of you kids made this in art class; you were so little and cute then, how long ago was that?

Child 2: (Taking ornaments from a box at the top of a ladder) Thirty-six years.

Aunt: ...Well I sure feel old now.

Uncle: (Taps Father on the back and holds up a train engine when the latter turns around) You want me to set up the tracks around the tree; next to the tree; nowhere near the tree; what?

Father: (Adding a string of very old bubble lights around the tree’s center) Those can be set up in the corner where you got the boxes.

Uncle: Got it.  (Goes back to the corner to secretly play with the trains)

Father: (Steps back to observe the others work for a bit) Good-good, but we need to step up the pace if we’re going to get through all these boxes at a decent hour.  (Flips the lid off another one and flings ornaments wrapped in tissue paper onto a nearby armchair)

Neighbor: (Holds up a small box) Want me to start hanging up the candy canes?

Father: (Looks up suddenly) Not now!  They go on at the very end, no matter what!

Neighbor: (Gently sets the box onto a small table) OK.

Father: (Hands over a box from within the larger box) Here: you can hang up the ornaments from in there, but make sure you keep them close together on the tree because it’s a theme.

Neighbor: (Whispers to the box while going to the tree) No pressure….

Mail Carrier: (Holding a smaller box while methodically hanging ornaments on the tree) You know, this takes me back to when I was a wee one –

Father: (Hooks legs halfway up the ladder and dangles upside down to reach a tricky open spot on the tree) LESS YAPPING, MORE DECORATING!

Mail Carrier: Rude.

Priest: (Arranging a tableau of snow families and elves on the coffee table) I feel obligated to ask if there is a nativity scene tucked away in all this… Christmas?

Father: (Still hanging upside down; holds a branch in mid-swing to reach an inner alcove in the tree) Uh, yeah, that.... Sorry, no room at the inn!

Priest: That’s certainly the ultimate irony.

Father: (Manages to slither into the tree and surveys the room from there, moving aside overburdened branches to look; spots a few loafers sitting on the couch) I want every single person in this house putting up decorations at all times until I say we’re finished, do you hear me?!

Mother: (Passing through the living room with a cup of tea and a book; stops in front of the tree and glares at Father’s eyes through the branches) I beg your pardon?

Father: Not you – the outdoor decorations count as time served.

Mother: How generous of you.  (Continues onward to the bedroom to hibernate)

Father: (Sees an empty space inside the tree, reaches an arm out to pluck an ornament from a nearby box, and whispers while hanging it onto the tiny spot on a branch) I have you now.... (Scrambles out of the tree once that is done and checks everyone’s progress) Hold it!  (Everyone freezes while Father walks around the tree and checks the entire surface area, muttering all the while) Over forty years of ornaments; candy canes; extra-extra lights…. (Stops to face the tree from the front) I think the tree… is done.

Fellow Bus Commuter: (Holding up an angel) Wait a minute, what about the angel?

Father: (Gasps in horror) The angel!  (Grabs it out of Fellow Bus Commuter’s hand, frantically climbs the ladder, finds a free plug, attaches it to the angel, and shoves it onto the top of the tree) All right, light it up!  (As Father climbs down the ladder, Child 1 plugs in the main power cord and the tree glows in welcoming warmth; Father stands back and stares at the tree, moved to tears) We did it, we actually did it, it’s done and it’s not even night yet –

Child 2: (Holds up an ornament) Hang on, I just found one more that must’ve fallen out earlier –

Father: I SAID IT’S DONE!

Story 505: Too Busy to Live in a Horror Movie

(In a suburban house, Mom is on the phone while grabbing laundry from the dryer, kicking toys on the floor out of the way, wiping down random surfaces, etc.  She stops suddenly after rounding a corner to the living room and seeing the couch that was against a side wall now in the center with armchairs piled onto it, topped by the television set)

Mom: (Still on the phone, letting the laundry basket fall to the floor) You know, I’ve just about had it with them rearranging the furniture all the time.  The midnight screaming is one thing – my youngest had colic for six months so, really, please – but this!  (Gestures to the pile, then props the phone against one ear while hauling furniture back to their original positions) No, they think it’s funny to play Tower of Babel so then I have to clean up after them.  I already have three children, thank you!  (Uses a foot to kick the couch back against the wall) Unbelievable; I caught them the other night starting to drip what looked like blood but I suspect was syrup down the bathroom walls – which I had just deep-cleaned literally that same day, mind you – so you can bet I put a quick stop to that.... Sprayed the room with bleach until they knocked it off, what else?  (A low moaning builds up from deep inside the fireplace; Mom watches as gusts of air start shifting the logs inside) Hold on a minute – they’re up to some new garbage now.  (A sudden BANG! bursts open the flue, sending all sorts of debris flying out onto the living room floor as a disembodied presence swoops out of the fireplace and into Mom’s face)

Ghost: WOOOOOOOOO – !

Mom: (Lowers the phone to address Ghost) Well, that’s just great – would you look at all the dirt and insect bodies you strewed all over the place?!  Lucky for you I don’t even bother cleaning this floor more than once a year, else I’d really let you have it!

Ghost: WOOOOOO – huh?

Mom: (Walks through Ghost to lean into the fireplace and feel around inside) Oh, perfect, perfect!  (Comes out again, holding a handle) As if everything else wasn’t enough, now the flue is broken!  And the chimney cleaners were just here last week!  So fixing this is another expense we don’t need and time I don’t have to wait around for them to come back, and meanwhile all sorts of wildlife riffraff are gonna make their way in here unless I figure out how to block off everything because the flue is broken!  (Throws the handle through Ghost, who disappears) Yeah, that’s right, make a mess and evaporate!  (Raises the phone back up again) Sorry about that – got another headache added to my growing list.  I’ll let you go, then – what?  Oh yeah, I’ll see you there tomorrow morning around 10; sewer bills are paid at the Utility Department window, right?... I know there’s a late fee this time!

(At a soccer field, a dozen kids pile into Mom’s car; Mom then floors it to the speed limit)

Mom: (Shouting over the excited din of juvenile chatter) No dilly-dallying tonight, children: as soon as I pull up to your house, get yourself right on out of here because I’ve got a long night of cleaning ahead.

Carpool Child 1: You guys still have the ghosts hanging around trashing the place?

Child 1: Yes!  And it’s soooooo embarrassing!

Mom: “Embarrassing” is not the word for this situation.

Carpool Child 2: I think it sounds so cool – I wish our house was haunted like yours.

Mom: You’re welcome to mop up the muddy footprints and remake the beds 10 times a day and sweep up every broken thing on top of the mess this crew – (Thumbs back to Child 1 and Child 2 in the rear seats) already make on a daily basis!

Child 2: Hey!  But you love us!

Mom: Not when you leave tissues in your pockets for the laundry, I don’t!

Carpool Child 2: Yeah, never mind, I think I’ll pass on all that.

Mom: Wise move.

(At the kitchen table, Mom, Dad, and Child 1, Child 2, and Child 3 try to eat dinner as plates and glasses constantly shift through the air and banging noises in both the basement and the attic occasionally drown them out)

Mom: Now, I don’t want anyone to try using this as an excuse to skip your vegetables: I got wise to that the second time you pulled it and now I’m keeping inventory of everyone’s plates.

Child 1-3: Argggghhhhh…..

Dad: (Snatching a piece of chicken from a passing plate while reading from a large book propped open on a stand perched on the table) Hey everyone, I think from what this thing’s saying we’ve got at least seven poltergeists and other spirits in our home, but it could possibly be as many as 10 or even 1,000.

Mom: Sounds about right.  (Snaps a celery stick in half and starts chomping on it)

Child 3: (To Dad) If one of them dumps me out of bed again tonight, can I call out sick from school and play video games to recover?

Dad: If you’re recovered enough to play video games, you’re going to school.

Child 3: Worth a shot.

Mom: (To Dad) I’ll be out most of the day tomorrow paying bills and uprooting the dead tree, so I just know that these… (Briefly glances around at the children) nuisances will probably take the opportunity to bring the house down – are you sure this didn’t stem from that summoning chant you did at the office party?  Because if it did, you’ll be the first one I’m throwing to them when we’re temporarily homeless.

Dad: (Chuckles) No, I’m pretty certain the party just brought along that one little guy, and he was fine with my lock of hair for his bald head and went on his merry way.  So, the current crew’s presence appears to be… (Scans several pages of the book) unrelated.

(Mom glares at the children)

Child 1-3: Wasn’t us!

Mom: Just checking.  (The house trembles with a loud crash) What nowwwwwww!!! (Everyone jumps up from the table and runs to the living room to see furniture being piled up into a tower again; Ghost giggles while hoisting the television set to the top) HEY!  (Mom points at Ghost, who freezes) You put that back where you found it right now!  (Ghost sheepishly sets the television back onto the entertainment center) And the rest!  (Ghost, grumbling, starts putting the rest of the furniture back in their places as the family returns to the kitchen table; they resume eating and drinking from the flying plates and glasses as the banging continues upstairs and downstairs)

Dad: (Had started reading the book again) It looks like there’re a few passages I can recite to kick them all out of here at once, buuuuuut we have to wait until the next full moon in…. (Check cell phone) three weeks.

Mom: Three weeks?!  The house’ll be destroyed by then!

Child 1-3: Waaaahhhh!!!

Mom: Never mind, never mind – (Takes a deep breath) you and I will take shifts every night for the next three weeks and constantly run interference, that’s all.

Dad: We probably don’t have to go that far; maybe we can get up a little earlier and hope for the best –

Mom: The mortgage is still being paid off.

Dad: I’ll take first watch.

Mom: (Throws a fork at the floating napkin holder, pinning it to the floor) Not for nothing, I wish they’d targeted someone with nothing to do and haunt them instead – I mean really, who has time for this rubbish?!