Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 578: Last-Minute Gift Shopping

             (On a Sunday afternoon, Friend 1 stops alongside the living room couch, does a slight leap, and collapses onto it)

 Friend 1: (Closes eyes and full-body stretches) Ahhhhhh…. A day off from work, nothing to do, nowhere to be…. (Slowly re-opens eyes) Am I that boring?

(Cell phone vibrates with a received message; Friend 1 opens the phone and reads)

Message: COME CELEBRATE MY BIRTHDAY FRIENDS AND FAM!  IT’S NOT A MILESTONE I JUST WANT TO PAR-TAY WOOOOOOOO!!!!  MAIN STREET BANQUET HALL, MARCH 30, SIX PM UNTIL WHENEVER THEY KICK US OUT, BE THERE OR LIVE WITH THE ETERNAL REGRET LOSERS AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!  RSVP BY TOMORROW, YOU ALREADY KNOW BY NOW IF YOU HAVE OTHER PLANS SO DON’T WASTE MY TIME!  AND BRING A GUEST!  BRING TWO GUESTS!  BRING ALL THE OK MOM I KNOW THE HALL ONLY HOLDS A SET AMOUNT OF PEOPLE BUT I WANT THIS SHINDIG TO BE ROCKIN’ AND ROLLIN’!  SO YOU ALL BETTER SHOW UP WHEEEEE!!!!  YES MOTHER YOU ARE THE ONE PAYING FOR ALL THIS BUT IT’S STILL MY PARTY AND IF I WANT TO INVITE THE WHOLE TOWN THEN BY THUNDER I’LL (Sent by voice-to-text feature)

Friend 1: Huh.  A birthday party.  Haven’t done one of those since… (Thinks back to grade school) a certain amount of time.  Eh, why not?  (Types response) “Thanks 4 the invite will be there w/guest C U then.”

Message: COOL BRING YOUR DANCING SHOES CAUSE I WANT THAT FLOOR ON FIRE!!!!!   PARTY ANIMAL OUT!

Friend 1: Sweet.  (Calls Friend 2) Hey-hey, doing anything on March 30?

Friend 2: (Paused while running on a park trail to take the call) Oh, you got the invite too?

Friend 1: The birthday party extravaganza?  Yeah – I guess the whole town really was invited.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  It’s a Sunday and nothing else is going on so I said I’d come with a guest.  Wanna come with me and I’ll drive us there?

Friend 1: But I already said I’d come with a guest and I was gonna ask you!

Friend 2: All right, so we’re going together then.

Friend 1: But we each said we’d bring a guest so now we gotta find two extra people to come with us!

Friend 2: No we don’t; we just write back saying never mind on the guests, we’re going together.

Friend 1: But that’s so embarrassing!

Friend 2: Seriously?  Hold on.  (Types and sends a message)  There.  All cleared up in less than a minute, you weirdo.

Friend 1: `K.  Thanks.  Sorry.

Friend 2: So, what were you thinking for a gift?

Friend 1: …Gift?

Friend 2: Yes.  It is a birthday party.

Friend 1: A little presumptuous to invite an entire town and then expect us all to fork over a contribution, don’t you think?  A party’s nothing without guests, so our presence should be sufficient presents, heh-heh.

Friend 2: Whatever; you’ve got over a month so I’m sure you’ll figure something out.  And if all else fails: gift card.

Friend 1: (Sighs dramatically) Oh, the etiquette burdens we place on ourselves when this is supposed to be a fun time.

Friend 2: I know, the trials you endure – I’m going back to my run, bye.  (Ends the call and continues with the run)

Friend 1: (Drops the phone onto the couch, leans back, and closes eyes again) I refuse to let this ruin my lazy day.  We’ve got over a month?  Plenty of time…. (Dozes off)

MARCH 29

(Friend 2 is enjoying a pancake breakfast at home when the phone rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while reading the newspaper) Hi!  What’s up?

Friend 1: (A constant din of stressed people is in the background) You know when you have a looming deadline that you keep pushing off and pushing off because you have plenty of time, and then, suddenly, you don’t?

Friend 2: (Stops reading) Where are you?

Friend 1: (Surrounded by frantic shoppers in a warehouse store) Lost in the middle of Ultra Value Super Save Mart.  Now I remember why I don’t come here on Saturdays.  Or ever.

Friend 2: Are you telling me that you had all this time and you still haven’t gotten a gift for the party tomorrow?!

Friend 1: …Not in so many words.

Friend 2: Unbelievable!  You had more than a month!

Friend 1: Oh, and I suppose you went out and picked up a gift the day we got the invite, huh?

Friend 2: Yes!

Friend 1: Traitor.

Friend 2: Well, I’m not responsible for your lack of planning in… everything, but I’m going to be extremely generous and let you come in on it if you want.

Friend 1: Thanks, but I can’t do that; we got separate invites, I’d look like a total freeloader!

Friend 2: I don’t think anyone would notice, or care.

Friend 1: Of course they would, they all would!  I could never show my face in this town again!

Friend 2: Hardly anyone even knows anyone else in this town anymore.

Friend 1: They’d know this!  Oh, the shame of it all, the shame!

Friend 2: (Rubs temple with free hand) I think you’re going to give me a migraine if I keep listening to this – you want me to come over there and help you pick out something?

Friend 1: (Immediately calms down) Yes.

Friend 2: Give me half an hour.  And thanks for ruining my Saturday.  (Ends the call and finishes breakfast disgruntledly)

Friend 1: (Pockets the cell phone and returns to staring morosely at a display of bath towels) Apparently, it’s what I do….

HALF AN HOUR LATER

Friend 2: (Finds Friend 1 staring morosely at a display of bath mats, surrounded by shoppers continuously hustling and bustling) All right.  I’m here.  Any progress?

Friend 1: (Turns to Friend 2 with glazed eyes) I progressed from never wanting to have kids to never wanting to be around humans ever again.

Friend 2: That’s not news – any ideas for gifts yet?

Friend 1: Possibly: you think I could get away with sticking a bow on a kitchen trash can?

Friend 2: (Stares at Friend 1 for a few moments) …No.

Friend 1: Then no.  (Turns back to the bath mats, barely flinching when an infant starts a new crying chain with the others throughout the entire store)

Friend 2: OK, how about a home spa kit or something?

Friend 1: (Turns back to Friend 2) Is that what you got?

Friend 2: Yeah.

Friend 1: Wouldn’t I be the little copycat, then.

Friend 2: Who cares?!  Get a gift receipt and it can be returned if there are duplicates; your job is done at that point!

Friend 1: If I cared that little about my self-worth, we wouldn’t be in this situation now would we?

Friend 2: You wouldn’t be in this situation, you mean.

Friend 1: Correct.

Friend 2: (Takes a calming breath) All right, instead of the full-out home spa, how about just a foot spa?

Friend 1: Ew.

Friend 2: Hat-gloves-scarf?

Friend 1: Don’t know the size or taste.  And winter’s shockingly almost over.

Friend 2: Carryall bag?

Friend 1: From what I remember, I doubt the guest of honor leaves the house much.

Friend 2: (Shrugs shoulders in exasperation) I don’t know; a first aid kit?!

Friend 1: (Looks up briefly to think on this) Hmmmm….

Friend 2: No, don’t seriously consider that one; you’re driving me nuts, you know that?!

Friend 1: Can’t be helped, unfortunately.

Friend 2: I’m going to say it again, then: gift.  Card.

Friend 1: (Lowers head) At last, I must admit defeat.  Lead on.

Friend 2: Finally.

(They make their way to the front of the store and find gift card displays)

Friend 2: (Gestures to a very large display filled with many companies’ cards) There you go: pick one.

Friend 1: (Reaches out to a card, then pulls back) No, don’t want to limit to one restaurant.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes ice cream cakes.  (Reaches out to another, then pulls back) No, not everybody likes clothes.

Friend 2: Arrrggghhhh!!!  (Grabs a generic credit card company gift card and slaps it onto Friend 1’s open hand) Here!  Now go pay for it and get us out of this place.

Friend 1: (Staring at the card, agog) But there’s an activation fee!

Friend 2: (Grabs Friend 1 by the coat collar and drags the latter to the cash register lines) I’ll pay the extra fee just to end this!

MARCH 30

(Friend 2 pulls into a parking spot at the banquet hall with Friend 1 in the passenger seat; loud music and sounds of revelers are heard pouring out the front door)

Friend 2: (As they both unbuckle their seatbelts and get out of the car while holding their gifts) Well, I’m glad your ordeal is over and we can just enjoy ourselves now that the party’s finally here.

Friend 1: Yeah – let’s see if I’ve still got all my dance moves in me.

Friend 2: I’m almost afraid to find out.

(Inside the banquet hall, the whole town is eating, drinking, talking, dancing, and/or hiding in a corner; Friend 1 and Friend 2 find the Guest of Honor standing by the DJ station and zoom over there)

Friend 1 and Friend 2: Hi!  Happy Birthday!  (They simultaneously hold out their gifts)

Guest of Honor: (Turns and sees them) Oh hi!  Thanks so much for coming!  (Hugs them both fiercely as they hold the items out of the way) This is the best birthday ever, oooooooh!  (One last squeeze)

Friend 1: (As all three separate, holds out the gift again) Great-great; here-here.

Guest of Honor: Oh, you’re so sweet!  I feel bad telling everybody this: Mom wanted me to say “No Gifts” when I sent out the invite since she said everyone being here was enough or something like that, and I totally was going to but when I was finally doing the message I completely forgot to include that part, and now everybody’s coming in with gifts so I’m just telling them to please keep them for yourselves, they’re my “Thank You” for being here!  She’s putting up a banner now to let the rest know as they come in, at least.  (Gestures to a woman on a tall ladder attaching a banner overhead that reads “NO GIFTS!!!!!”; the woman glares at Guest of Honor and shakes her head; Guest of Honor waves at her) Love you!  (Back to Friend 1 and Friend 2) Anyway – so sweet of you.  (Briefly looks toward the front entrance) Oh, there’s more of the family – gotta run!  Make sure to have lots of crackers; we ordered way too many.  (Runs off to greet the new arrivals)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 still are staring at the space Guest of Honor had occupied)

Friend 1: (After a few moments) Soooo… never speak of this again?

Friend 2: That would be best.

Story 521: Freeloading Christmas Party Guest

            (In a house full of Christmas trees, blinking lights, Nativity scenes, and snowpeople of all shapes and sizes, party guests eat, drink, and merrily finish preparing the main meal and all its side dishes)

Guest 1: (To Host) I know I’m stuffing my mouth with five different types of cheese right now, but I do mean it when I ask “Do you need any help?”

Host: (Pulling three trays out of the oven while stirring a pot of sauce with an elbow) Nah, I got it – but if you could light the burners under the racks for these pans, that’d be a big help!

Guest 1: (Stares at Host tossing the trays onto the racks and then whip up a salad out of thin air) …Sure, I think I can manage that.

(In the living room, guests stand, sit, and play according to age level when the front door suddenly bursts open)

Freeloader: Hey-hey, everybody, I made it!

Guests: Heyyyyy….

Guest 2: (Takes Freeloader’s coat and pointedly stares at the latter’s empty hands) Soooooo, anything that needs to be put in the fridge or out on the table?

Freeloader: Nope, just me, eh-heh-heh-heh!  I need a drink.  (Grabs an iced tea from a cooler, piles up a plate of appetizers, and sprawls across the couch, bumping a few guests aside) Coming in for a landing, folks!  (Guests move to the other side of the couch; Freeloader finishes the plate, tosses it and the iced tea onto the coffee table, and takes a nap)

Host: (Enters the living room with arms full of cups and cutlery) Dinner’s ready!

Freeloader: (Immediately wakes up and zooms to the dining room) Dibs on everything!

Host: (Sways in Freeloader’s wake) I didn’t even know you were here yet….

(After dinner, as many guests as possible pile into the kitchen and shuttle back and forth from there to the dining room to pack up whichever food is left, wash dishes, pots, and pans, and make room for dessert)

Host: (Carrying a tower of leftover containers; to guests) Oh really, this is such a big help –

Guests 1-20: Not at all!

(In the living room, Freeloader dozes in preparation for the after-dinner nap as several children rambunctiously play)

Freeloader: (Chuckles) I love how rowdy children are always someone else’s problem.

Child 1: (To Freeloader) I was told that when I reach double-digits, I have to take my place in the dish-drying line.

Freeloader: (Eyes close) Good for you.

Children 2-8: As must we all.

Freeloader: (Eyes open wide; Children 1-8 are standing in a row facing Freeloader, who then jumps while seated and looks up at the ceiling) Whoa, was that Santa’s sleigh landing on the roof just now?

Children 1-8: SANTA, YIPPPPPEEEEEEE!!!!!!  (They all run to their respective parents and beg to go outside)

Freeloader: (Leans back on the couch) Almost too easy.  (Turns head against the cushion to gaze fondly at the gently lit tree, then notices a tabletop Nativity scene nearby.  Squinting, Freeloader sees Baby Jesus in the manger, staring soulfully and gently accusingly back.  The two stare at each other as sweat beads on Freeloader’s forehead, until the latter can take the silent judgement no longer, jumps off the couch, and runs to the kitchen) Wait!  Save me a pot to scrub – a potato to wrap up – anything!

(Guest 2 and Guest 3 emerge from the corner they were watching from the whole time and follow)

Guest 3: That was a good idea, but I thought Baby Jesus isn’t supposed to be in there until Christmas Day?

Guest 2: What can I tell you?  He works in mysterious ways.

Story 499: Dueling 4th of July Parties

(In a suburban backyard, there are USA flags, red-white-and-blue streamers, Declaration of Independence replicas, and barbecue everywhere; family and friends make merry and completely take over the inground pool, hot tub, swing set, patio furniture, and cornhole boards while party music plays on a boombox)

Guest 1: (Reclined on a deck chair next to Guest 2 while keeping an eye on three children playing hide-and-seek in the pool) I agree that making Juneteenth a federal holiday was long overdue – the problem is, my job doesn’t count it as one of the few paid holidays we get.  I mean, what if I wanted to go to a barbecue that day, hm?

Guest 2: …I think you’re missing the point.

Guest 1: Probably.  (Sits up abruptly to yell at the children in the pool) Knock it off!

Guest 3: (In the pool) Why, what’d we do?!

Guest 1: You know what I told you: no horseplay while you’re in the pool –kittenplay only!

Guest 3: But how do we know what’s horseplay in here?!

Guest 1: By the volume of water being displaced, now go back to doing laps until I tell you to stop!

Guest 3: Aw, nuts.  (The three children start doing laps around the pool, angling away from the inner-tubers and others lounging about)

Guest 1: (Lies back on the chair) I tell ya – these kids’ll drive you to drink.  (Sips from a funky glass filled with pink lemonade)

Guest 2: I’ll say; glad mine are all grown up and have their own kids to worry about now.

Guest 4: (Yelling across the backyard to another group of three children) HEY!  (The children look up simultaneously) Do NOT drink from that hose!  (The children blink once, then lean down simultaneously to drink from the hose) I’M COMING OVER THERE!  (The children drop the hose and flee shrieking as Guest 4 chases after them)

Guest 2: (To Guest 1) Yep: Life’s sweetest revenge.

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the music in the backyard; Host rushes out from the kitchen and hops onto a large rock to lean over the back fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which is a mirror image of the current backyard in terms of pool, patio, accessories, and guests)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 1 and waves) Hey!

Neighbor 1: (Waves back from watching a mini-soccer tournament, then walks over to the fence) Hey there, neighbor!  Happy 4^th of July!

Host: Same to you – listen, could you lower your music a bit, please?  It’s drowning out ours.

Neighbor 1: Oh, sure.  (Gestures to a guest to turn down the music a bit) But I gotta warn you, everyone else on the block’s having their party today, so I think we’re all going to be drowning each other out at some point.

Host: What?!  I thought I was the only one having mine five days early!  Why is no one having their party actually on the 4^th this year?!

Neighbor 1: Well, let’s face it: who wants a summer barbecue and late-evening hijinks on a Tuesday?

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other two players; Host runs to the left fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other two yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 2 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 2: (Floating serenely on a pool raft while surrounded by splashing chaos) Hey; `sup?

Host: Could you turn down your super-loud music so we all can hear our own, please?!

Neighbor 2: Not possible, my friend: got at least three relatives who’re hard of hearing, and this is the volume where they like it.

Host: Oh.  Never mind then, I guess.

Neighbor 2: Much appreciated….  (Floats away on a rippling wave as 10 children cannonball into the pool)

(Suddenly, loud music erupts from a larger sound system and overrides the other three players; Host runs to the right fence and hops onto a large rock to lean over the side fence and peer into the neighboring backyard, which also is a mirror image of the other three yards)

Host: (Scans the crowd, then spots Neighbor 3 and waves) Hey!         

Neighbor 3: (Focused intently on an active barbecue grill) Hi – can’t talk now, got the burgers on.  Need to keep track which ones are medium-rare and which ones are well-done.

Neighbor 4: (Standing next to Neighbor 3) They’re all done well, honey.

Neighbor 3: Thanks babe, but you know this is an unforgiving crowd.

Host: Can one of you please turn down your music just a bit so we all can hear our own at our parties that we all decided to hold at the exact same time?!

Neighbor 3: (Carefully starts flipping burgers) Well, that’s the thing: everybody’s sound systems are so dang loud, I need mine to block all of them out so I can concentrate.  (Freezes in horror) I flipped five of these too early!  (Frantically flips them back)

Host: (Using index finger and thumb to demonstrate) Maybe turn the dial just a tad, just a smidgen –

Neighbor 3: (Finally looks up at Host to wail) GO AWAYYYYY!!!!!!

Host: (Drops back down behind the fence) Yikes.

(Suddenly, fireworks and firecrackers go off above Neighbor 1’s backyard; one lands in Host’s pool and fizzles out)

Kids: YAAAAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Neighbor 1: (Peers over the fence) Whoops – everyone OK?

Guest 1: (Having run over to the children and grabbed the firework to fling it out of the water and onto the concrete) NO!  I mean yes, but NO!  What do you think you’re doing?!

Host: (Hops back onto the rock on that side of the fence) Yeah, it’s not even sunset yet, come on!

Guest 1: (To Host) You mean, “Don’t set those off in the backyard right next to another house,” don’t you?!

Host: Yeah, that too!  (Turns to Guest 5 standing next to a pile of fireworks near the house and motions for them to be moved to the front yard)

Neighbor 1: Well, that’s hours away and this party needs some livening up what with the quieter music and all, so I figured, “Why not now?”  Got enough to go non-stop for 12 hours anyway, so no harm.

Neighbor 2: (With raft still attached, peering over the fence) You setting off fireworks now?  Great idea!

Host: No it is not!  Now is not the time of day for fireworks, it’s the time of day for eating!

Guest 6: (Comes up to Host) Sorry to interrupt: you want me to turn on the grill so everyone can start eating soon?

Host: NOT NOW!  (Guest 6 immediately turns around and makes a beeline to the dwindling potato chip bowl)

Neighbor 3: (Peers coldly over the fence) I’d like to inform all of you that your shenanigans have completely ruined my burgers.  (Other guests from that party also peer coldly over that side of the fence)

Host, Neighbor 1, and Neighbor 2: (All point at each other) They started it!

Neighbor 3: (Pours every ounce of contempt into the word) Neighbors.  (Lowers back down behind the fence, along with guests; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overheard)

Host: (To Neighbor 1) See what you started!

Neighbor 1: Hey, you started it with the loud music first; the rest of us have to look out for our own!

Neighbor 2: And for once, I was having no stress this year – now that that’s spoiled, I’m gonna start setting off my fireworks, too!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks start going off overhead)

Neighbor 1: Party on!  (Lowers back down behind the fence; several seconds later, the music from that yard turns up even louder and fireworks resume going off overhead)

Host: Fine!  If you all insist on being immature, irresponsible, thoughtless, careless hooligans, then there’s no point in me not being one either!  (Hops off the rock and stomps over to the relocated fireworks, passing Guest 6 on the way)

Guest 6: Food…?

Host: Tell everyone to eat all the sides and skip to dessert – we’re doing fireworks now!

Guest 6: But that’s six hours ahead of schedule.

Host: (Arranges the fireworks and the hose in the driveway and street and grabs a candle lighter) Nobody cares anymore!

(Fireworks fill the sky over that part of the neighborhood, although much of the effect is lost due to the bright afternoon sun; other neighbors come out to watch in concern until four police cars pull up in front of Host’s house on the corner)

Host: (With a smudged face and frazzled hair, pauses while lighting a pinwheel as Police Officer approaches) Hello, Officer – would you like some potato salad, or orzo?

Police Officer: No thanks: we just spoke with your adjacent neighbors and told them what I’m telling you now: normally we leave all this be, but with all four of you setting off fireworks at the same time right next to each other, you’re gonna have to stop before you burn the neighborhood down.  Plus all your other neighbors say the competing music’s too dang loud.

Host: Ah.  (Sets down the candle lighter) I suppose you’re here to confiscate the rest of the goodies, then.

Police Officer: You suppose correctly.  (Host assists Police Officers with loading the remaining fireworks into the four cars)  Enjoy your barbecue.  (The cars drive away)

Host: (Stares after the departing cars) Didn’t even wish me a Happy 4^th.

Guest 6: It’s not the 4^th yet.

Host: We’re clearly observing it today!  (Returns to the backyard where the rest of the guests are eating sides and dessert, walks over to the boombox, and slams the power button; the sudden silence reveals that no music is playing from the other yards, either) Well folks, the fireworks and music shows have ended for this year.

Guest 2: Good – we couldn’t see much up there anyway, and my ears will be ringing for the rest of the week.

(Neighbors 1-3 peer over their respective fences; Host walks to the back of the yard to be equidistant from each side)

Neighbor 1: They take the rest of your fireworks?

Host: Yeah – you?

Neighbor 1: Yeah.

Neighbor 2: Yeah.

Neighbor 3: Yeah.

(All four stare at each other for a few moments)

Host, Neighbor 1, Neighbor 2, and Neighbor 3: Worth it.

Story 362: Haunted Attraction Bait-and-Switch, Part 1

 (On a deserted road through the woods during twilight, Friend 2 drives with the high beams on and white knuckles on the steering wheel)

Friend 1: (Snacking on potato chips in the passenger seat) – and the worse it gets at work, the more I wish I could leapfrog ahead to retirement; but then I think, “What if this is the time in my life where I’m at my peak?”

Friend 2: (Scanning the road for sudden deer) Huh?

Friend 1: I mean, what if this point in my life is the best it’s ever gonna be?  As in, I’ll never be in better health, my family and friends are all in handy reach, my financial debt is… manageable, I don’t have weirdos stalking me, most of my free time’s spent doing stuff I actually wanna do, that sort of thing!  Flash forward 30 – or let’s be realistic, 40 – years, I can finally stop dragging myself five days a week to a place I don’t want to be and deal with people I don’t want to talk to, BUT – I’ve been paralyzed by a stroke, or nearly all my family and friends are gone or hate me, or I have to live with the worst roommate ever just to have a roof over my head, or I’m, you know, bored!

Friend 2: (Glancing at the car’s navigation system) Oh thank goodness the entrance is coming up.  (Signals to turn onto a creepy overgrown drive)

Friend 1: (Looks out the window at the menacing trees evilly silhouetted by the red setting sun) No one ever wants to hear the truth.

(They park near several other cars in a gravel lot in front of a huge, run-down castle situated next to a fast-food restaurant; each take an overnight bag out of the car’s trunk and walk up a large set of stairs to the castle’s front door; Friend 1 slams the demon’s-head knocker mightily, three times)

Friend 2: I didn’t realize there were castles like this in the U.S. – it looks more like we’re in Romania or something.

Friend 1: (Rubbing at a spot of flaking paint on the door) Never underestimate the whims of rich people.

Friend 2: (Bobbing in place while waiting) So, think we’ll see any actual ghosts this weekend?

Friend 1: We’d better.  Although they hedged their bets by saying the history of the place and the setting and the mold and the mildew and whatever will be more of the experience, but I fully expect to be tormented by lost souls and screaming ghouls or by gum, someone’s going to hear about it.

Friend 2: (Sighs) I don’t doubt it.

(Caretaker opens the door with a wide smile)

Caretaker: Hello!  Welcome to The Haunted Castle [Trademarked] – come on in!  (Leads Friends 1 and 2 into the entranceway and lets the giant door boom shut behind them) You’re the last of our guests to arrive, so I’ll bring your bags to your room while you join the others in the great hall.

Friend 2: (As both clutch their bags to their chests) That’s OK, we can hold onto them.

Caretaker: Suit yourselves.

(They enter the great hall and head over to a roaring fireplace where three other guests are seated)

Friends 1 and 2; Guests 1-3: Hi.

Caretaker: (Gestures to two empty chairs while sitting in large armchair) Pop a squat.  (Still clutching their bags, Friends 1 and 2 sit) Now, this is just a brief get-together so you all know who’ll be staying with you in this massive fortress – otherwise you can spend the entire weekend wandering about the place without seeing each other once.

Friend 1: (Quietly turns to the side) Yessssss!

Guest 1: You mean “without seeing another soul,” don’t you, wink-wink?

(Friends and Guests 2 and 3 politely chuckle)

Caretaker: I don’t follow.

Guest 1: …Never mind.

Caretaker: (Distributes keys and maps) Now, most of the excitement’ll be later, but for the nonce simply enjoy this labor-intensive fire here, grab a quick dinner from the sideboard over there (Points to the sideboard), and get a quick nap in before I transform into a werewolf at midnight and the hunt begins.  (Heaves out of the armchair and shuffles to other end of the great hall)

(Friends and Guests stare at each for a few moments)

Friend 1: (Leaps out of the chair, still holding the overnight bag, and runs after Caretaker; Friend 2 and Guests follow) Excuse me!

Caretaker: (Turns to Friend 1 and smiles benignly) Yes, dearie?

Friend 1: Uh, not sure how to put this, but my friend and I made a reservation for The Haunted Castle –

Caretaker: Yes?

Friend 1: To be blunt, the description of the place quite clearly mentioned ghosts.  The kind that make books fall of the shelf and loud winds moan down a hallway, stuff like that.

Caretaker: (Frowns slightly) Oh.  I see the Web site’s not been updated, again.  (Expression clears) Well, fact is, a medium came here about a year ago and helped the ghosts settle their unfinished business, so they all cleared off.

Guest 2: What?!  I specifically came here to be harassed by frustrated phantasms!

Guest 3: Yeah, if this place is now just a dingy old safety hazard then I want my money back!

Caretaker: Relax, duckies, you’ll get your money’s worth: when the ghosts left the company recruited me to do the scaring, so you’ll be taken care of, don’t you worry.  (Pats Friend 1 soothingly on the arm)

Friend 1: (Shrugs off hand) We didn’t sign up for a werewolf attack!  We signed up for passive horror!

Guest 1: Yes, this is supposed to be a relaxing screamfest!

Caretaker: As a matter of fact, you all did sign up for a werewolf attack – says so in your final agreement and liability waiver.

(Friends and Guests all take out their cell phones, access their e-mail, and scroll through the agreement and waiver)

Friend 1: Huh, whaddya know, it does say “werewolf” – several times.

Friend 2: You told me to just sign it `cause you’d read it and it was fine!

Friend 1: The headings appeared to be in order.  (To Caretaker) By the way, I’ve always wondered: what exactly does “indemnify” mean?

Guest 2: (Groans while reading) I can’t believe this!  We waive the right to sue if we suffer loss of limb or LIFE!

Guest 3: Or property!  (To Caretaker) You are not getting your literal paws on my shoes – I will rip them to shreds myself first!

Guest 1: And not for nothing, if you call a place “haunted” that means ghosts should be here!

Caretaker: Not necessarily: you can be haunted by the living just as easily as by the dead.  `Sides, they couldn’t change the name of the place, it’s trademarked.  (The others all start talking at once) Dearies, please, don’t spoil the weekend.  Let me show you to your rooms, you go get some sleep, and I’ll be sure to give you plenty of howls before I start comin’ after ye, one-by-one.  (Starts gently herding the group to the main staircase)

Guest 1: Forget that – we’re outta here!  (Grabs Guest 2’s hand and they run to the front door; they struggle to turn the handle but the door refuses to budge)

Caretaker: (Chuckling) Now, now, don’t strain yourselves: we’re on lockdown till 2 p.m. Sunday.

Friends and Guests: WHAT?!

(Guest 1 runs to a window and tries to shake it open; failing that, Guest 2 grabs a vase and prepares to throw it through the glass)

Caretaker: (Moves like lightning to Guest 2 and grabs the vase) Oi!  You break anything and we have the right to sue you!

Guest 2: Argh!  (Sits down on the floor and fumes)

Friend 2: (Quietly to Friend 1) Want to risk it?

Friend 1: Normally I’d say yes, but I have a feeling I’d wind up slicing an artery instead.

Caretaker: (Sets the vase back down on a table and beams at the group) Now!  Anyone for hot cocoa before turning in?  (The rest all look at each other, then Friend 1 raises a hand) Splendid!

(Friend 1 still is drinking the cocoa as Caretaker leads both to their room)

Caretaker: (After Friend 2 unlocks the door and they all enter) As promised: twin beds, full bath, free Wi-Fi, starting up the fireplace’ll cost you extra, and a perfect view of the full moon that’s calling to me as we speak.

Friend 1: (Sets the empty mug down on a random table and hurries Caretaker out of the room) Lovely, marvelous, well done, I’m sure we’ll see you later, bye!  (Slams the door and puts on all the locks; to Friend 2) You wouldn’t happen to have any silver bullets handy, would you?

Friend 2: (Glares) Even if I had a license to carry a gun, why on Earth would I have silver bullets to load it with?!

Friend 1: Just checking.  (Goes to the window and opens it) Huh.  Thought we were on lockdown?

Friend 2: (Looks out and down) It’s a hundred-foot sheer drop!

Friend 1: Guess the owners don’t want us to suffocate before we’re torn apart by our host.  (Leaves the window and flops face-down onto one of the beds)

Friend 2: What are you doing?!

Friend 1: As recommended: taking a nap before the games begin.

Friend 2: How can you even think of sleeping right now?!  I’m freaking out!

Friend 1: (Talking into the pillow) Oh relax: go fill a spray bottle with water and just squirt our furry friend in the face after the door’s broken down.

Friend 2: Un-believable.  (Begins stacking furniture in front of the door as Friend 1 snores)

 11:59 P.M.

            (Friend 2 shakes Friend 1 awake)

            Friend 1: Hm?  Am I late for work?

           Friend 2: (Whispering) Ssh – you wish!  Here.  (Carries a fireplace poker and holds out another one to Friend 1)

           Friend 1: (Grudgingly takes it while yawning and scootching out of the bed) Fine, but I seriously think you’re overreact – (Is cut off by several loud, long howls)

            (Friends 1 and 2 stare at each other, then at the door)

           Friend 2: (Whispering even softer as they assume a defensive stance facing the door) Next time we go away for a long weekend I’m booking the place, understand?!

            Friend 1: Oh, like you’ve never had a reservation changed on you before!

            Friend 2: They sent you an e-mail about it!

            Friend 1: And who has time to read?!

           (They clam up as the sounds of a heavy tread and soft growls approach their door)

TO BE CONTINUED