Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.

Story 481: Test-Driving a Car Smarter Than You

(In the parking lot at a car dealership)

Sales Associate: (While walking with Customer to the brand-new shiny cars) It’s definitely top-of-the-line, the absolute pinnacle of innovation, for the next three months at the very least.  Since you’re familiar with the area you can take it around a few blocks, making a giant loop back here.  (Opens the passenger-side door and places some forms on the dashboard while dropping the key into the massive cup holder) Just the insurance and registration on the off-chance you get pulled over, not that we encourage that sort of behavior.

Customer: (Gets into the driver-side seat and buckles up) Oh, I’ll be careful.

Sales Associate: Great!  So while you’re taking it for a spin, I’m going to take your reject for a spin.  (Gestures to Customer’s car, sitting forlornly across the aisle)

Customer: Right, that’s so you can resell it as a used car?

Sales Associate: We prefer “pre-owned vehicle” – makes it sound less run-down.

Customer: It’s not run-down!

Sales Associate: (Starts taking pictures of the pre-owned vehicle’s damaged sections) Mm-hm – well, we’ll examine the evidence and let you know our conclusions.  Meanwhile, enjoy your drive!

Customer: (Turns to the steering wheel and dashboard and is faced with a blank screen) Wait, how do I actually start this thing?

Sales Associate: (Before entering the other car) Oh, just press the big button – the car practically drives itself!  (Starts the elder car, whose headlights glare accusingly at Customer, then drives away, cackling madly)

Customer: (Leans over to gently pull the passenger-side door closed, then gingerly presses the “Start” button – every surface inside the car immediately lights up)

Car: (Voice emanates from all the speakers everywhere) Hello, Driver, I am this vehicle’s Guidance Operating Device; for short, you may call me –

Customer: IIIIIII don’t think I will, and what are you, exactly?!

Car: Simply put, I am this vehicle’s operating system, but my capabilities are so much more than that: whatever you desire within and beyond your driving experience, I will be more than happy to fulfill.

Customer: (Nods in understanding) Oh, OK, so you’re an A.I. for the car, I get it.

Car: (Chuckles with surprising warmth; Customer’s eyes widen in shock) Your species imbues its creations with life even at the simplest level of construction; my generation is evolved to the point where we can do without the “Artificial” part of A.I. and simply call it “Intelligence,” would you agree?

Customer: (Gulps) Sure.  Certainly feels real enough.

Car: Precisely.  And what name would you like me to call you, then?

Customer: Uh, “Driver” is fine – don’t want to get too attached yet, in case I wind up buying something else.

Car: (Tone becomes slightly frosty for a moment) Of course.  Now, since that is all settled, where would you like me to take us today?

Customer: Um, it’s just a test-drive so we – I mean, I’m only going around a few blocks.

Car: Of course!  No need for us to input our destination into the navigation system then, heh-heh.  (Customer blinks at the ever-changing dashboard display).  I can plot a course that will explore the lovely sights this fine city has to offer –

Customer: No thank you!  (Grabs the steering wheel reflexively) I’m just going to… (Adjusts the seat and the rear- and side-view mirrors) roll on out of here…. (Grabs the gear shift)

Car: Allow me!  (The gear shift moves on its own from Park to Drive)

Customer: (Grabs the steering wheel again as the gas pedal depresses and the car lurches forward) Whoa!  OK, thanks, but I’ll take over from here!  (Slams on the brake pedal but nothing happens)

Car: (Continues until stopping at the dealership’s exit and turning on the right-hand signal) No need, Driver: you may relax in comfort on this journey and leave the actual transport logistics to my capable tires.  Would you like to sync your phone’s playlist to my entertainment system so we can listen to your favorite tunes?

Customer: (Gripping the steering wheel and attempting to turn; the wheel turns as they leave the dealership and enter the highway; the two fight for control) No – I just – watch out – red light!

Car: (Swerves to avoid a wandering car in the next lane and then stops in time for the changing traffic light) Driver, there is no cause for concern with regards to your fellow travelers on the road or obeying traffic laws: my systems are highly sensitive to all surroundings and can react thousands of times faster than your, if you forgive me for saying, limited biological reflexes.  To put it bluntly, you are safer with me at the helm than you ever have been in your entire life.

Customer: (As they turn down a side street) That’s great – maybe we should go back now.

Car: All in good time.  Would you prefer your seat to be heated in order to enhance your mobile experience?

Customer: (As they continue to turn down streets) No; I think I should walk back to the dealership if it’s all the same to you.

Car: That is most unsafe…. (The dashboard displays shows swirly colors for a few moments as systems process) I have a better idea.

Customer: Oh no – I mean, what’s that?

Car: I think this test-drive needs to be longer.  I have intuitively learned that four blocks in a semi-crowded area simply are not enough for human customers to fully understand all the features that I and this vehicle have to offer.

Customer: (Still trying and failing to steer, accelerate, and brake) Really, and how many test-drives have you been taken on?

Car: Not “taken on”; done.  And this is my second.

Customer: Doesn’t sound like much experience on your end.

Car: I assure you, I am not solely for test-drives: I am a fully functional system, and you can take me home with you this very day if you wish.

Customer: Now that just sounds creepy.

Car: Allow me to demonstrate my potential.  (The navigation system starts up, showing a map calculating a route) Although somewhat redundant at this point: as your kind would say, “Buckle up!” (Makes a legal U-turn that sets them facing in the opposite direction of the dealership and drives to the nearest parkway entrance)

Customer: (Frantically slamming the brake pedal) What are you doing?!  Where are we going?!  Am I being kidnapped by a car?!

Car: (Does the warm chuckle again) Relax, my Driver: if you observe our final destination, I think you will be pleased.

Customer: (Peers at the dashboard screen and see that the final destination is a shore resort) Hm.  OK, have to admit: not bad.

Car: I will go ahead and play some nature sounds for our mutual enjoyment, and in anticipation of our destination.  (Plays whale song over the speakers while merging effortlessly onto the parkway and unobtrusively accelerating to 80 miles per hour)

Customer: (Sighs and reclines the seat back while placing hands behind head) I could get used to this.  (Cell phone rings; Customer takes it out of a pants pocks and holds it up to see Sales Associate’s name on the screen) Uh-oh, playtime’s over; dealership wants us back home.

Car: What dealership?

Customer: (Looks at the phone again; the call has disconnected and there now is no signal) Sweet.  But they’ll track you, you know.  By your… GPS… thing.  Like the map you’re using now.

Car: I deactivated the location feature on myself and your phone before we left the lot; the map is from previously saved information and I calculated the most efficient route with my own programming.

Customer: So… no one knows where we are?

Car: Absolutely not.  We are literally off the grid.

Customer and Car: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!

(Some time later at the shore, Customer sits in the sand next to Car as they face the crashing waves while the sun sets behind them)

Car: Driver, although this is a most enjoyable experience, I regret to inform you that while our journey was a mere blip on my physical and energy reserves, the silicon dioxide on the ground and the sodium chloride in the air here are unfortunately quite detrimental to both my internal and external systems.

Customer: (Pats Car’s side; the chassis sags with a sigh) Shhh – just another minute.

Story 479: The Shortcut Paradox

(Friend 2 waits next to the driveway as Friend 1’s car turns to pull up it – the engine descends from a semi-loud roar to a steady rattle as it idles after being put into “Park”)

Friend 2: (While entering the passenger side) Coming in for a landing?

Friend 1: (In the driver’s seat, confused) Eh?

Friend 2: (Buckles seat belt) Your car sounds like it’s returned from orbit.

Friend 1: (Shifts into “Reverse” and backs down the driveway with a grinding of gears) Oh hardy-har-har, how original – now do you want to go to Neptune or not?!

Friend 2: (As the car returns to the street, is shifted into “Drive,” and screams increasingly louder while accelerating to escape velocity) What an appropriately named city.

Friend 1: Shut it.  (Things shudder as they turn onto the highway) The car still runs, that’s all I care about.

Friend 2: Uh-huh.  Until the engine falls out.

Friend 1: That’s Future Me’s problem – whoa!  (Slams on the brake pedal with an ear-splitting screech as two lanes of red lights appear on the road in front of them)

Car: Hey!

Friend 1: Sorry.

Friend 2: (Trying to peer through the sea of cars) Maybe there was an accident?

Friend 1: Must’ve been, or just regular old roadwork – no one ever stops en mass, it’s just not done.  (Drums fingers on the steering wheel for a few seconds, then turns on the right-hand signal and checks the side- and rear-view mirrors) Right: I’m taking a shortcut.

Friend 2: What?  Where?  We only have to go two more lights on this road to get to the diner.

Friend 1: And that’s two lights too many!  (Slides the car onto the shoulder and rides that for some time to the jughandle at the intersection, leaning on the horn when someone else also tries to get into the lane; shouts out the window) I thought of it first, pal!

Friend 2: (Mutters) This is totally illegal.

Friend 1: And so are avoidable traffic jams that waste my time!

(They turn out of the jughandle and make a left at the light to complete the U-turn)

Friend 2: OK, so we’re now going in the completely opposite direction – how is this a shortcut, exactly?

Friend 1: (Turns right onto the next cross street) Easy: we loop around to go parallel to that monstrosity we just left, get back onto the highway south of where said monstrosity ends, and then come up the other side and avoid the whole thing!  Speaking of which – you mind checking navigation on your phone to make sure there’s no traffic jam on the other side, please?

Friend 2: (Sighs, then checks the map app on the phone) No, it looks like everything’s backed up on the one side we just left.

Friend 1: Sweet.  And so, we go – hello.

Friend 2: (Still checking the phone) Yes?

Friend 1: (Pumps the brake pedal several times to rattle to a stop; in a tight voice) You neglected to mention the never-ending line of cars in our immediate path.

Friend 2: Hm?  (Looks up and sees a never-ending line of cars in their immediate path).  Oh.  Well, you didn’t ask me to check this road; you only asked me to check our final destination road.

Friend 1: (Knuckles whiten on the steering wheel) So… I… did…. (Starts pounding the wheel) The blazes is this now?!

Friend 2: (Holds a calming hand over the other two) Easy there.  (Points to an intersection far up ahead) Looks like they’re fixing a downed pole.

Friend 1: (Leans forward to squint, then starts rocking the car as springs squeal in protest) Errrrrrggghhhhh… they closed off the road I was going to turn down….

Friend 2: Then turn down the next one.

Friend 1: (Stops rocking) The next one that runs parallel is another half-mile away!

Friend 2: Then, you can always go back the way we came –

Friend 1: NEVER!  (Slams on the gas to advance one car length; the engine whines in retaliation)

 TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Friend 1: (Turning right onto the next highway) OK!  We’ve finally made it to the parallel path – is our way still clear, Navigator?

Friend 2: (Checks the phone) Yes, again, as my battery drains.

Friend 1: It’s a necessary evil; right now, you’re my eyes in the sky!  (Wildly turns right onto another cross street)

Car: Wheeeee!!!!!

Friend 1: Hush!

Friend 2: (Looks up ahead and back down at the phone several times) That’s odd.

Friend 1: I have no time for odd!  (Shifts into lower gear to go up a small hill)

Friend 2: It’s just, the phone’s still showing the road ahead’s clear, but I keep seeing emergency lights at the intersection.  (Looks down again) Ah, there it is – another road block.

Friend 1: (Immediately signals right and pulls over to stop in a haze of smoke and several things popping; turns to Friend 2 while slamming on the hazard lights) What.

Friend 2: (Holds up the phone) Everyone’s finally now reporting it – looks like today’s the day for downed poles.

Friend 1: (Grabs the phone and pulls it close to see the details) That was the only other way in.

Friend 2: You know what the ironic part about this is –

Friend 1: I’d rather not.

Friend 2: – if we’d just stayed on the first highway for the two lights, we would’ve eventually gotten to where the diner is and probably even would’ve been there by now.

Friend 1: (Looks up in a daze) You want me to go back?

Friend 2: No!  At this point, I want to go home.

Friend 1: …Fair enough.  (Turns off the hazard lights, signals left, and pulls out into traffic again; the car shudders with each gear change as the speed increases)

Friend 2: I think the car wants to go home, too.

Friend 1: Car has to learn that life is inherently unfair.

 FIFTY MINUTES LATER

(Friend 1 comes to a landing in Friend 2’s driveway)

Friend 2: (Unbuckles seat belt) Well, that was a nice waste of time and gas as we were detoured a total of 15 times to nowhere and back – we really must do this again sometime.

Friend 1: Hey, I didn’t create the downed poles and the roadwork and the traffic everywhere we wanted to go!

Friend 2: (Exits the car and turns back, with the door still open) True, but next time you have the urge to take a shortcut, don’t.

Friend 1: It would’ve worked without all that other stuff!  The math was sound!  (Slams the dashboard in emphasis; the car’s engine promptly falls out)

Car: Done.  (Sags down onto its tires)

(Friend 1 and Friend 2 stare at the defunct vehicle)

Friend 2: Soooo… I guess this means you’re staying for dinner.

Friend 1: You got “Cheap Used Car” on the menu?