Story 625: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 2

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Not this again.”

“Sorry, but really, I just can’t take another once-a-decade storm for the eighth go-round this month – how many times do I have to dig out my car and the same plowed-in mess at the end of the driveway before enough is enough, hm?!”

“…Every time?”

“That goes without saying, but I say ‘No more!’  This time, they’re not catching me sleeping during a blizzard as the frozen mess piles up over our heads, uh-uh!”

“So, what, are you gonna go out and shovel every few hours overnight?”

“HA!”

“Yeah, don’t know why I asked – even I wouldn’t do that.”

“No, this time I’ve come up with a genius plan.”

“I bet you have.  All right, let’s hear it.”

“OK, you know the saying: ‘A rolling stone gathers no moss’?”

“I’m familiar.”

“Well, I’ve made the next logical leap in logic and determined that a moving car gathers no snow.”

“So…?”

“So, as long as my car is in constant motion during the storm, no snow will be able to pile up on it!”

“….”

“Isn’t that the most brilliant thing you’ve ever heard?”

“Not exactly.  Are you saying that you plan to drive throughout the entire blizzard?”

“You betcha!  I’m amazed no one else has thought of this earlier.”

“That’s because we’ll be in a State of Emergency and no cars are allowed on the road!  Except essential workers, which you most definitely are not!”

“Ah, but there is one, significant, ginormous exception.”

“I’m afraid to ask what it is.”

“The Turnpike’s exempt.”

“…What?!”

“If I’m already on it when the blizzard starts, then they can’t kick me off!”

“…What?!”

“Speed limit’s usually around 55-65 miles per hour; with the snow I might have to drop down to around 35, but either way that should be fast enough to keep anything from actually accumulating on me.  It.  You know: the thing I’d normally have to clean and scrape off.”

“….”

“Brilliant, huh?”

“Ignoring the mind-bogglingessness of it all this for the moment – the Turnpike is only about two hours from start to finish if you stay in-state.”

“Uh-huh?”

“Blizzard’s expected to last around 20 hours.”

“Uh-huh?”

“So you gonna keep going from state-to-state until it’s over?”

“Nah, I’m not sure the other states’ll want me: I’ll just start at the north and then find a cut-through in the south right before the river and then come back up the other way.”’

“Four times?”

“…Yes, that sounds about right, unless I need to go even slower.  Give or take a few times, then.”

“You’re gonna get stuck in the snow before you finish the first round, you know.”

“Not if I drive fast enough!”

“That’s not how – also, you’re probably gonna run out of gas, and no station will be open.”

“No worries; I’ll have extra cans with me to fill up myself!”

“Aha!  You’ll have to stop do it!”

“Please: I can fill up my tank in less than a minute, no problem; the machines take forever, but I have a system”

“I still think this is a bonkers plan.”

“You’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first!  I’ll toast a water bottle to you while I’m on the road, practically snow-free, as you continue the endless struggle of shoveling powder and ice to free your trapped vehicle.”

“I’d rather you didn’t.  And how’re you supposed to get back into your snowed-in driveway after all this, anyway?”

“At that point, I can burst through it with the sheer strength of my conviction.”

“I’m sure you will.”

“Ooh!  Just to hedge my bets, you wouldn’t happen to have a spare snow plow that I could attach to my front fender so everyone’ll think I’m on the way to a job and leave me alone?... Hello?” 

            *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, I have to know: how did your drive-througout-the-blizzard-so-you-don’t-have-to-dig-out-your-car experiment go?”

“Had a moderate-speed chase with the state troopers until they cut me off and tossed me into the nearest cell until the blizzard ended – didn’t even make it to the second exit.”

“Ah.”

“Apparently, in my case they chose to ignore the memo regarding the Turnpike exemption: though the howling winds I calmly argued my iron-clad position on the matter, but in the end they completely overwhelmed me with their safety protocols and protection of civilians and whatever.”

“Mm.”

“Also gave me about 15 tickets and a summons to the county court where they stopped me and not the county court where I live, so there goes that Tuesday when I have to show up.”

“Mm-hm.”

“Community service also was threatened, but I’ll call their bluff on that when I literally have my day in court.”

“Mm-hm.”

“The only reason they didn’t impound my car was it would’ve been too much of a hassle to get it to the lot in the middle of that mess, so they volleyed another fine my way instead out of spite.”

“Mm-hm.  I’m glad no one got hurt, but I’m also trying not to laugh here.”

“So I gathered.  Well, I’m pleased to be a source of amusement for you in these dreary days of lingering winter, but in the end, against all odds and in spite of everyone’s attempts, I still triumphed.”

“How, exactly?  You were in jail!”

“Yes, that’s the ultimate irony of the situation: in order to get rid of me and get their own vehicles back on the road, they had to clean off my car.”

Story 624: How to Get Out of Snow Removal: Lesson 1

             “Ugh, another snowstorm?!  Where do they all come from?!”

“Umm… the troposphere?”

“Ha-ha, my sides are splitting.  I just can’t take the futility of it all, you know?”

“No.”

“You know!  The whole ‘gotta clean off the car and shovel out the driveway’ five billion times, and then once more after the storm finally stops a month later.  And, again when the plows trap us in.  Again.”

“Well, it can’t be helped, and at least you’re physically able to do it.  And have a car and a driveway that need snow removed from them.”

“I know, but I don’t wanna!”

“Almost sorry to say that you have no choice: you’ll still be expected at work the next day, and unless you want to get up at 3 in the morning, you have to clear out everything by tonight and hope the snow doesn’t start up again while you’re asleep.  And I’m not coming over to help – I’ve got my own digging out to do.”

“Exactly!  We’re all trapped in this endless cycle of snow removal!  And what galls me is that it’s absolutely pointless!  We almost destroy ourselves removing the same frozen water over and over again, when if we’d just waited patiently, the Sun would do all the work for us – ohhhhh....”

“‘Ohhhhh,’ what?”

“I just came up with a genius plan.”

“I’m sure you did.”

“Want to hear it?”

“Not particularly – bye.”

“…Absolute genius!” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi, Boss – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> just letting you know I’m calling out sick today < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Really.”

“Oh yeah – <Potato-chip-chewing noises> I got this cough – <Cough – Potato-chip-chew – Cough-Cough-Cough> and a runny nose, and body aches, and I’m whipping up a fever as we speak.”

“You got a doctor’s note?”

“…We need those?”

“Yes.”

“Since when?”

“Always.”

“Oh.  Well, I really am sick < Potato-chip-chewing noises>.”

“Mm-hm: with what?”

“Sick of cleaning off my car and driveway over and over when it’s all gonna melt in two days!”

“That’s two days’ pay since the rest of us all manage to get into work without you.”

“Just put me down for Unexpected Paid Time Off or something – ”

“Oh, that you know about?”

“ – in the meantime, I refuse to participate in the perpetual snow removal conspiracy orchestrated by the shovel-scraper-snow-blower league a second longer!”

“Mm-hm: I’m writing you up for this.”

“Buuuuut I can still have the time off, yes? < Potato-chip-chewing noises>”

“Sure, you can have as much time off as you need, waiting for each and every one of those ice crystals to evaporate, until the entire mass is completely vanished from your car and driveway, no rush!”

“Wow, I had no idea you’d be so understanding about all this!... Hello?” 

*          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          *          * 

“Hi there.”

“So, how did your snow-removal-by-sunlight experiment go?”

“Exactly as predicted: I’m currently relaxing on the couch, not a care in the world, accepting Nature’s processes and no longer fighting against her forces, allowing my car and driveway to gradually emerge from their frozen blankets millimeter-by-millimeter without me having to move a muscle, and it feel wonderful.”

“Great.  Still have a job?”

“Oh no: they fired me on Day 2 of this.”

“Naturally.”

“BUT, they’re so desperate for help that I should get the call any moment now reluctantly taking me back, with a stern finger-wagging and a grim lecture on how I’d better not do anything like this ever again or that’ll really be it.”

“I believe it.  So, how are the car and driveway doing with the evaporation technique, considering we had snow taller than most people this time around?”

“Oh, let’s see out the window… yes, they should be all clear at some point.”

“About when?”

“…June.”

Story 592: Filling Up the Car With Rocket Fuel

            (On a highway, Friend 1 is driving slightly over the speed limit while singing along with the radio)

Friend 1: <GREEEEEEEEEEEEN – SLEEEEEEEEEEVES!/ WHOA, BABY –!>  (Hears a DING! and briefly looks down at the dashboard) Oh shoot, I’m outta gas.  (While keeping an eye on the road and a hand on the steering wheel, leans over to grab a cell phone, selects a contact, puts it on speaker, and leaves it on the passenger seat as it dials and rings)

Friend 2: (Answers while standing in a hallway outside a conference room) Hey, I’m about to go into a meeting – everything OK?

Friend 1: Yeah-yeah, sure-sure: you know of any good gas stations on Route – in ------?

Friend 2: …Are you driving right now?!

Friend 1: Yes, smother, but you’re on speaker so my attention is completely on the road.

Friend 2: Not the way you drive.

Friend 1: Hardy-har-har; so, gas stations?

Friend 2: You should be surrounded by them on that road.

Friend 1: I am, but I’m looking for a good one; you know what I mean.

Friend 2: They’re all basically the same, just different additives mixed in.  Don’t go to one in --------, though: they overcharge the rich folks there, but I’m shocked they even bother – why would anyone go to one of those when you can go not even five minutes away and pay $1 less a gallon?

Friend 1: Why does anyone do anything?  That’s another thing: I refuse to spend $3 a gallon when I know I’ve seen it for less but can’t remember where.

Friend 2: I don’t know; it’s been a while from the last time I filled up the car since I take the bus to work, so I couldn’t tell you what stations have the best prices now.  Use one of those “Find a Gas Station” apps; that’s what modern technology’s for.

Friend 1: Heh, you’re lucky I can use my phone as a phone.

Friend 2: Right, never mind.  Then just go to the station you went to last time and fill up again there.

Friend 1: Ooh, good idea, but that’s about 10 miles in the opposite direction and I have... (Briefly squints at the dashboard) negative two gallons in the tank.

Friend 2: Of course you do.  At this point, I’d say pull into the first station you see and if you’re not willing to fill it up then get at least five gallons in there before your car shuts down in the middle of the highway.

Friend 1: Oh fine, I’ll spend the $10 a gallon to get some life back into the old beast before it OH-WAIT-THERE-IT-IS-NEVER-MIND-HERE-WE-GO!  (Swerves the car to the right, cutting across two lanes to the sounds of screeching tires and blaring horns, then puts on a turn signal) Success!

Friend 2: Whoa, wait, are you OK?!  Did you get in an accident?!

Friend 1: (Turning into a small gas station with banners displayed all around) HA!  I don’t get into accidents!  Accidents get into me!

Friend 2: What?

Friend 1: I just found a no-name station that must’ve opened today because I’ve never seen it on this stretch of road before, and gas here is a dollar a gallon.  A DOLLAR!!!  Can you believe it?!

Friend 2: No.

Friend 1: Exactly!  I must’ve somehow entered a time warp back to the 90s!  This is amazing – I almost want to cry!

Friend 2: Well don’t: it’s probably a mistake on the sign, or the place’ll upsell you on a car wash or something else; I think you should get out of there now.

Friend 1: I can’t!

Friend 2: I don’t care how good the deal seems, you really –

Friend 1: No, I mean, I literally can’t: I shut off the car and the rest of the gas vapors in the tank’ll be used up if I start it again now.

Friend 2: All right.  Good luck.  Call me later if that $1 a gallon turns out to be $100.

Friend 1: You know I’d never admit to that.  (Sees Attendant walking toward the car) It’s my turn – so excited, bye!  (Ends the call, tossing the phone onto the passenger seat and popping open the tank)

Friend 2: (Sighs, shaking head while pocketing the phone, then turns around to see Coworker standing nearby) Oh, sorry, that took way too long; I’ll be right in.

Coworker: No problem, it’s just….

Friend 2: What?

Coworker: Is there really a gas station that’s $1 a gallon?!

Friend 2: Only in my friend’s imagination, I’m guessing.

Coworker: Oh.  For a second there, I thought we were back in the 90s.

Friend 2: Many people wish they were.

(At the gas station)

Attendant: (Carrying a clipboard and pen, approaches Friend 1’s driver side window as it rolls down) Hi, how can I help you today?

Friend 1: Hello, yes, could you fill it up ALL THE WAY, please?  And cash.  Not, fill it up with cash, although I wish, don’t you, heh-heh-heh?

Attendant: We all do – sign here, please.  (Hands over the clipboard and pen)

Friend 1: Ohhhhh-kaaaaay…. (Starts reading the attached forms) What’s all this about?

Attendant: Well, we just opened yesterday, and by law every customer needs to sign a consent that you agree to your vehicle being infused with our fuel and to indemnify and hold harmless the company, the franchise owners, and the employees – (Places hand briefly on self) that’s me – on the off-chance anything should go, you know, awry.

Friend 1 (Signs the forms and hands back the clipboard and pen) Sure, OK, fine, sounds like a whole bunch of rigmarole for gas; what is it, jet fuel or something?

Attendant: (Nods) Rocket, actually.

Friend 1: …What?

Attendant: It’s an experiment we’re running – theoretically, it should increase the car’s fuel efficiency by 100%, but there is the slight possibility of liftoff, which is why we’re only charging $1 a gallon.

Friend 1: …What?!

Attendant: (While placing a gargantuan pump nozzle into the car’s tank) I know, it really should be free since the customers are being volunteer test subjects, but we have to cover the overhead somehow.  The economy, it’s always the economy!  (Starts whistling while watching the meter increase)

Friend 1: (Unbuckles the seat belt and rushes out of the car) Wait-wait, stop everything!  (Attendant releases the nozzle’s trigger and looks at Friend 1 expectantly) I did not sign up to have rocket fuel injected into my car!

Attendant: You literally just did.  (Waves the clipboard as evidence)

Friend 1: Yeah, but, I didn’t really read it!

Attendant: Clearly.

Friend 1: And this is false advertising!  You’re passing yourselves off as selling regular old gasoline when it’s a blatant lie!

Attendant: Is not!  Says so exactly on the signs!  (Points to the gas station signs and banners that read “To-the-Moon Rocket Fuel”)

Friend 1: Yeah, well, we all just assume that’s hyperbole!

Attendant: Not if they actually read what they’re signing.

Friend 1: Well – then – I want to return my purchase!

Attendant: Sure.  (Reaches around the pump to pick up a siphon hose and holds it out to Friend 1) Go ahead and take the fuel out of the car.  Please make certain you get every drop back into the pump, though: this stuff’s tremendously valuable.

Friend 1: (Staring in disgust at the siphon) That’s not my job!

Attendant: Not mine either: our liability coverage is only for putting fuel into the tanks, not sucking it back out again.  If that’s what you want though, then by all means: have at it.

Friend 1: Ew, gross!

Attendant: Precisely.

Friend 1: Fine, you win!  I’ll be part of you nerds’ kooky experiment!  But if I burn up on re-entry, you can bet I’ll be aiming my debris directly at you!

Attendant: Fair enough.  (Tosses the siphon back into a bucket and resumes pumping fuel into the car and whistling)

Friend 1: (Fuming, returns to the driver seat and slams the door, then grips the steering wheel in anxiety) Should I start praying?

Attendant: (Returns the nozzle to the pump and walks back over to Friend 1’s window) OK, that’ll be $11.98.

Friend 1: (Grumbling while taking money out of a wallet) Can’t even enjoy the cheapest gas I’ve gotten in decades – I’m gonna die in orbit around Mars – never liked space to begin with – (Plops the bills onto Attendant’s open hand) here: keep the two cents!

Attendant: Good, `cause we don’t have any change.

Friend 1: At last: some sense of normalcy here.  (Buckles up, grimaces, and starts the engine) OK – nothing’s on fire, always a good sign.

Attendant: (Putting on goggles and safety earmuffs) Yes, but you may want to brace yourself when hitting the accelerator.  (Dives behind the gas station’s main building)

Friend 1: (Turning back slightly toward where the Attendant was a moment ago, while hitting the accelerator) Huh? (The car accelerates to near-light speed onto the highway) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  (Friend 1 barely is able to steer around other vehicles on the road and runs red lights while just missing the opposing traffic; others stop in bewilderment at the flash rushing by and the sonic boom resounding soon afterward)

Attendant: (Emerges from behind the building, smiling at the contrails left behind) Splendid: another success for the books.

(Twenty miles away, Friend 1 is finally able to brake sharply on a beach)

Friend 1: (Hyperventilating while grasping the steering wheel, stares out at the ocean waves for a few minutes to calm down, then pats the wheel reassuringly) You all right there, Betsy?  (The car immediately shuts off)  I don’t blame you.  (Shakily picks up the cell phone that wound up on the floor of the back seat and calls Friend 2)

Friend 2: (Answering the phone while leaving the conference room) Great timing: meeting was painful but quick.  So, did you wind up having to pay hidden fees or get stuck with liquid mud instead of gas or something like that?

Friend 1: No, but I did almost get launched into space.

Friend 2: Ha-ha, got a kick to it, huh?

Friend 1: You could say that.  I’m at ----- ---- Beach right now.

Friend 2: Really?  That’s about a half-hour drive from where you were, and you called me less than 10 minutes ago.

Friend 1: Uh-huh.

Friend 2: So how’d you get there so fast?

Friend 1: They gave me rocket fuel.

Friend 2: Yeah, I’ll bet.

Friend 1: …I’m serious.

Friend 2: (Laughs, then stops) Wait, no, they can’t do that.  Can they?

Friend 1: They did.  I almost had the first actual flying car in history just now.

Friend 2: Wow.  That sounds… extremely dangerous.

Friend 1: It was.  I somehow avoided about 200 accidents on the way here, and I think only because I was going so fast that I travelled through everyone else.  (Turns around to look out the rear window on hearing noise outside, then turns back) I seem to have run through some sand dunes on my landing, so the park rangers want to have a word with me now.  I hope they’ll accept my unintentional warp speed as an excuse.

Friend 2: Probably not, but good luck.

Friend 1: Thanks.

Friend 2: You gonna be all right getting home in that thing?

Friend 1: I think so; almost got the hang of it.

Friend 2: Great, `cause I want you to be safe –

Friend 1: Appreciate it.

Friend 2: And I want you to pick me up from work so I can get home at a decent time for once.

Friend 1: ….

Friend 2: ….

Friend 1: …Yeah, sure; got nothing better to do.

Story 568: Hunting for THE Gift

             (In a living room)

Parent: (Addressing two preteen children; all three are bundled up in winter coats, hats, and gloves) All right, kiddos: I know this is the first day of your interminably long Winter Break and you’d rather being doing anything else right now, including homework, BUT it’s also the last weekend before Christmas and another December has passed me by in spite of the wall calendar in my face every morning, so now we all must suffer one long day of shopping instead of spreading it out across three weekends.  You have your assigned lists at the ready?  (Each child holds up a large piece of paper full of writing on both sides, and nods) OK then.  (Shoves on a knitted cap with earflaps) To the mall!

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh….

(Hours later in the mall, the family members regroup near the food court)

Parent: (Checking Child 1’s shopping bags against the corresponding list) It clearly says “Twenty 3 ounce candles” not “Three 20 ounce candles” – now go back and get the right ones!

Child 1: (Gasps and falls to knees) No, don’t send me back in there, I’m begging you!  The line went through the entire store and the smell of patchouli was everywhere, just everywhere!

Parent: (Disgusted) Get up.  (Child 1 stands) Fine, I’ll exchange them myself, but first we need to move on to pajamas and slippers so we’ll circle back to your failure later.  (To Child 2) Open up.  (Child 2 holds open the bags as Parent quickly scans through them and the list) Sufficient, but we’ll have to make sure that cousins from the same side of the family don’t get the same toy cars and action figures that you lazily snatched up multiple times.

Child 2: (Looks down into the bags) Oops.

Parent: (Checks own list and bags) OK, only 23 more stores to go and then we can move on to the sugar gifts.

Children: (Slumping) Arrrrgggghhhhh …

(Hours later in the mall parking lot, all three are carrying many shopping bags on all limbs and balanced on their heads)

Parent: (Talking around the piles of bags) Whelp, in spite of ourselves, we’re almost done: just need the one gift that Grandmama specifically asked for, and we’re all set for the year.

Child 1: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Yeah, I checked every store I was in and didn’t see it anywhere.

Child 2: (Also talking around the piles of bags) Same.

Parent: (Dumps the bags into the car’s trunk and the passenger and back seats; Child 1 and Child 2 do the same) Not to worry: I know plenty of stores that should carry it.

Child 1 and Child 2: (Turn to each other and mouth “Should?”)

Parent: (As they pile into the car and squeeze themselves between bags) You all buckled in?  (The tops of two heads nod) And away we go!  (Burns rubber while merging into the mile-long line out of the mall parking lot)

(At the next store)

Parent: (Rummaging through the shelves) That’s not it – that’s not it – that’s not it –

Child 1: Should we check another aisle?

Parent: (Distractedly while trying to stick head into the recesses of a shelf) No, this would be the one….

Shopper: (To Child 2) Excuse me, you waiting on line?

Child 2: Thank goodness, no.  (Steps aside for Shopper to stand at the end of the line to the cash registers located at the other end of the store)

Parent: (Pulls back out of the shelf and scratches head in befuddlement) I don’t understand; where could it be?

Child 1: Maybe they don’t carry it here anymore.

Parent: I’m starting to think that, but what boggles the mind is why they don’t carry that when they carry all these – (Shakes a nearby display, nearly knocking a few items to the floor) that go with it?!

Child 1: …Marketing confusion?

Parent: Apparently.  All right, we’ve wasted enough of our lives here – onward!  (Leads Child 1 and Child 2 to cut across the register line looping back on itself several times as they exit the store)

Employee: (From the register near the entrance/exit) Hey!  (All three stop and turn) You’re leaving without buying anything?!  (The entire line of customers becomes silent)

Parent: Doooooo I have to?

Employee: Well – no….

Parent: Then yes.  (Leaves with Child 1 and Child 2)

Employee: (In a small voice) But it just isn’t done….

(Hours and 15 stores later)

Parent: (Hangrily crouched over the car’s steering wheel while barely moving through bumper-to-bumper traffic) I can’t believe not one of those stores have it!  I mean, I can believe it, but I really, really don’t want to!

Child 2: (Checking on a cell phone) Hey, this says that the Micro Save Mart nearby might have it.

Parent: That dinky little village shop!  I laugh at the mere suggestion, ahahahaha – cough-cough-cough-!  (Takes a few moments to recover from self-induced coughing) Besides, even if there was the remotest possibility that they have it, the store’s in the complete opposite direction from where we’re heading, and there’s no way I can make a legal U-turn in this traffic.

Child 1: (Excitedly) So, we go back home for dinner and finally give up on getting it –

Parent: NEVER!  (Suddenly yanks the steering wheel to veer out of the lane, over a grassy embankment, and into a strip mall to make a U-turn the hard way)

(Hours later in the new store)

Child 1: (Looking around at the winter wonderland on display) Wow, this place is kinda neat.

Parent: No sightseeing – we’re on serious business here!  (Purposefully strides up and down several aisles, then skids to a stop in front of a small display) This is it.  At long last, this is it.

Child 2: Success?

Parent: (Gingerly takes an item from the display) I’m only hesitating in saying “Yes” because once I say it out loud, this might disappear.

Child 1: But you just did.

Parent: That was a hypothetical quote.  (Possessively hugs the item, then notices Child 1 and Child 2 staring in judgmental anticipation) But all right: yes.

Child 1: (Fist pumps) Woohoo!  Let’s get on line before the store closes.

Child 2: (As they search for the end of the line) Don’t worry: all stores everywhere are open late today, those are the rules.

Child 1: Yeah, and do you even know what time it is right now?!

Child 2: Oh.  (Checks watch) Ohhhhhh....

Child 1: Exactly.

(On the car ride home, surrounded by shopping bags; THE gift has pride of place buckled into the passenger seat with the bags previously there either on top of the ones that were piled up on the floor or on top of Child 1 and Child 2 in the backseat)

Parent: Well kiddos, it was a long, hideous struggle and a battle hard-fought, but in the end we were triumphant.  I hope you two learned valuable life lessons today.

Child 1: Don’t do all your gift-shopping on the weekend before a major holiday?

Child 2: Pack snacks no matter how long you think you’ll take?

Child 1: Don’t buy so much extra stuff for people who already have extra stuff?

Child 2: Consumerism is a social construct and we shouldn’t even be buying stuff that does nothing to nourish the soul?

Parent: Yes, yes – also, if Grandmama suddenly doesn’t want the gift after all that, I’m disinheriting myself.

Story 511: Cursed With No Good Parking Spots

(In a supermarket self-checkout area, Little Old Lady slowly steps forward each time the shoppers ahead advance gradually.  As a kiosk’s light flashes when she is next in line, she gently picks up her basket that was set down on the floor and starts to head over there; she only makes it two steps before the shopper who was behind her zips around and zooms to the open kiosk)

Little Old Lady: Excuse me, but I was next.

The Cutter: (Pauses momentarily in high-speed scanning to address her) You snooze, you lose, GRAAAAAANDMAAAAAA!  (Resumes scanning)

Employee: (Hurriedly approaches Little Old Lady) I am so sorry I couldn’t stop this in time – would you like me to ring up your purchases for you when another kiosk opens?  (Gestures to The Cutter and lowers voice) I’ll also give that one the stink eye, if you like.

Little Old Lady: You are too kind, Overworked Employee, but no need – I have this under control.  (Flings away the basket and suddenly grows to a height of 10 feet as lightning flashes, thunder booms, winds blast throughout the store, overhead lights flicker on and off, and everyone else ducks for cover)

The Cutter: (Dives partially under a shelf holding a can of beans) HOLY – !

Giant Old Lady: (In a booming voice) HEAR ME, WRETCH: DUE TO THY HEARTLESS IMPATIENCE AND JUST PLAIN RUDENESS, I HEREBY CURSE YE FOR ALL ETERNITY!

The Cutter: (Trying to huddle farther back into a corner; mutters) Cripes; that’s the second time this month.

Giant Old Lady: MY CURSE UNTO YE BE THIS: TO THE END OF THY DAYS, YE WILL NEVER FIND A PARKING SPOT AGAIN!

The Cursèd: (Eyes widen in horror) What?!  Noooooooo!!!!  (Scurries out from under the shelf to fall on knees before Giant Old Lady and clasp hands in supplication) Wait, please, I beg you, mercy!  There’s no mass transit in this area; I have to drive to get anywhere; where am I gonna put the car???!!!  (Is hit in the face with a wind-blown circular; flings it away)

Giant Old Lady: NOT MY PROBLEM!

The Cursèd: And this won’t just affect me, you know – I drive other people, too!  Occasionally!

Giant Old Lady: THEY CAN BE DROPPED OFF!

The Cursèd: Drat.  Some leniency then, please!  I could have tripped you on my way past, but I didn’t!

Giant Old Lady: VERY WELL.  MY CURSE IS EDITED TO BE THUS: THAT YE WILL NEVER FIND A GOOD PARKING SPOT AGAIN, AHAHAHAHA!!!

The Cursèd: (Lowers head into hands and sobs) Better, but not much.

Giant Old Lady: `TIS DONE, AND CANNOT BE UNDONE!  (Waves arms in a flourish that whips up the winds even more, then shrinks back to previous size as the indoor weather abruptly stops and the overhead lights remain on)

Little Old Lady: (To Employee, who slowly emerges from behind a discount DVD bin) Apologies, but would you mind finding my basket, please?  I seem to have misplaced it.

Employee: (Quickly shoves the items that had spilled out back into the basket and hands it at arm’s length to Little Old Lady) Here – on the house, basket and all.

Little Old Lady: (Gently takes it) Such a dear.  (To The Cursèd) See where a little kindness can get you in life?

The Cursèd: Huuuuuuhhhhhh????

Little Old Lady: (On the way out of the store) Have a nice walk to your car; it’s the last time it’ll ever be this short, hee-hee-hee!

(The entire store stares at The Cursèd, who slowly stands and stares back at all the faces glaring in reproach)

The Cursèd: ….

The Store: ….

The Cursèd: …Old people, am-I-right?  (Is pelted by packages of napkins and paper towels from all directions)

THE NEXT DAY

(In an office conference room)

Manager: (Addressing several employees seated at a long table, basically speaking to a packet of papers being reviewed) Budget got underestimated again this year, so guess who are not getting raises, again –

(A groan ripples across the table)

Coworker 1: Could the company tell that to all our bills?

Coworker 2: Yeah, if no one anywhere across the nation is getting raises lately, then how are prices still going up?

Manager: (Slowly looks up from the packet) I… don’t know…?  (The Cursèd slips in through the door and slides into a seat at the end of the table; everyone else turns to stare) You realize this isn’t a huge lecture hall and we all saw you slither in here, yes?

The Cursèd: (Bites nails) I was hoping not to interrupt.

Manager: Mind explaining why you’re – (Checks watch and raises eyebrows) over two hours late to work today?

The Cursèd: (Stops biting) Right now?

Manager: Yes!

The Cursèd: (Mumbles at the table) I couldn’t find a parking spot.

Manager: What was that?

The Cursèd: I couldn’t find a spot to park my car!

Manager: That’s ridiculous; there are always tons of spots here!

The Cursèd: Well, today a bunch of school buses decided to take up half of them, and what was clearly non-emergency construction took over the rest by the time I got here!

Manager: So where’d you wind up, then?  Don’t tell me the strip mall down the street?

The Cursèd: No, I’m not walking 10 blocks in highway traffic, are you kidding?  I just parked out front and put on my hazard lights.

Manager: For all day?

The Cursèd: Yeah, why not?

Manager: For one thing, that’ll drain the battery right up, and for another, you’re probably going to get towed `cause that’s a fire lane.

The Cursèd: But they can’t tow me, I have my hazards on!

Coworker 3: (Leaning toward the window and peering down at the street) Hate to break it to you, but they’re towing you right now.

The Cursèd: (Runs out of the room) The curse, the curse!

(The rest stare at the empty doorway, then back at each other)

Manager: Is that some new way of cursing?  (The others shrug)

THE NEXT WEEK

(At a theater during intermission)

Audience Member 1: (To Audience Member 2 as both stand and stretch) I tell you, this show keeps getting better as the night goes on!

Audience Member 2: I know, I’m so glad we got to see it today, I’ve been looking forward to it for ages!  It’s been so much fun, I don’t even mind that we missed the first 10 minutes while looking for…. (Glances at phone)

Audience Member 1: Yeah.  Wanna try calling again?

Audience Member 2: (Sighs) I guess, although it’s pretty much a moot point by now.  (Selects a contact and waits for the call to pick up) Hey!  So, any luck with the hunt?

The Cursèd: (On speaker phone, gripping the steering wheel while stopped mid-uphill in a parking garage) After my 57^th circuit of this skyscraper, I spotted a pedestrian who is actually walking uphill instead of down – I believe my patience has at last been rewarded, since after stalking this individual for 13 levels they at last entered a vehicle, and all I have to do is wait with my blinker on to show that this spot is mine.

Audience Member 2: That’s great!  How long you think it’ll take to get here from there, then?

The Cursèd: Well, I’ve been waiting for this car to depart for nearly half an hour, so any minute now it should take me another 10 to get there.

Audience Member 2: …I don’t think that person’s leaving anytime soon.

The Cursèd: (Grips the wheel tighter, bloodshot eyes blazing) MY PATIENCE WILL BE REWARDED!

Audience Member 2: (As house lights dim and both sit) All righty, keep me posted by text then, bye!  (Ends call; whispers to Audience Member 1) Make sure to pick up an extra program on our way out.

Audience Member 1: (Whispers back as the curtain opens) Too bad they don’t let you do the old “Turn on your hazards and leave the car out front” here.

THE NEXT MONTH

(At a church parking lot, The Cursèd wearily circles around again as a wedding party processes inside)

The Cursèd: (Exits the lot to start touring the full side streets) Whelp, guess I’m out of the will again.  (Suddenly sees Little Old Lady waiting to cross the street, slams on the brakes and leans out the window) Oh come on!

Little Old Lady: (Points to the wedding party) Are those your relatives?

The Cursèd: Yes!  My parents, for the third time!  (Little Old Lady raises an eyebrow) Don’t ask.

Little Old Lady: It seems drama runs in the family.  If you drop me off at the main door, you may find a spot right in front will have “miraculously” opened up, pun intended.

The Cursèd: (Flings open the passenger side door) Yes – please – anything – I’ve been driving non-stop for weeks and had to refill the gas tank 20 times this month!  (Little Old Lady crosses the street and gets into the passenger seat; The Cursèd circles back to the parking lot) Wait a minute, you’re going to this wedding too?  (Gasps in panic) Are we related?!

Little Old Lady: (Chuckles) Of course, everyone everywhere is related if you go back far enough.  (The Cursèd’s eyes widen in realization) But in this case, I just volunteer to clean up after ceremonial messes.

The Cursèd: Oh good – I was afraid you were going to tell me I’ll turn into you one day or something.  (Stops at the curb and gestures at the church’s main door) There it is – have at you, and never curse me again.

Little Old Lady: (While exiting the car) Oh dear, you do realize this is just a one-time reprieve: you’re still cursed for eternity, no getting out of it.

The Cursèd: Son of a – (Sees a car leaving a spot right in front) MINE!  (Speeds away with the passenger side door still hanging open)

Little Old Lady: (Shakes head and tuts at the exhaust and burning rubber) Typical: no one ever learns their lesson after being eternally cursed.