(In
an office: Co-Worker 1 is typing as Co-Worker 2 shuffles in, bundled up from
head to toe, with a red nose, glassy eyes, and a hanging-open mouth)
Co-Worker
1: (Staring as Co-Worker 2 stiffly drops into the chair at the desk, does not
remove any of the outer items of clothing, and turns on the computer) Don’t
tell me you’re sick again.
Co-Worker
2: All right, I won’t. (Hacks up a lung)
Co-Worker
1: Gross. Are you at least taking
anything for it?
Co-Worker
2: There’s nothing to take, it’s a virus – if someone gives me antibiotics,
it’ll just make the bacteria that survive even stronger than they already are. They’re poised to take over the world any day
now, in case you haven’t heard.
Co-Worker
1: Whatever; why don’t you use a sick day, that’s what they’re there for, and
you wouldn’t be contaminating my space with your pestilence.
Co-Worker
2: I don’t have any more sick days: I used them all up with my never-ending
illnesses. I’m also late with a bunch of
projects because, you know, all the days I took off. (Holds stomach as it grumbles) Ugh – you might
want to clear a path out of my way, if you know what I mean.
Co-Worker
1: Ew-ew-ew! I’ll be right back. (Runs out)
Co-Worker
2: Don’t blame you. (Begins typing with
two fingers, one key every five seconds)
Co-Worker
1: (Returns several minutes later with a steaming mug and sets it on the desk
under Co-Worker 2’s face) Here. Drink
all of this now.
Co-Worker
2: (Leaning on one hand, turns green while staring at the mug) I literally
can’t stomach any ingestibles at this time, I thank you. (Pushes mug aside)
Co-Worker
1: (Pushes mug back) Trust me. It’ll fix
everything.
Co-Worker
2: (Raises an eyebrow) Everything, eh?
That’s a bold prediction.
Co-Worker
1: Just drink it, you’ll thank me.
Co-Worker
2: OK, but be forewarned: it may not be pleasant here within a minute. (Gingerly sips beverage, smacks lips, and
nods) Mild. Hmmm, soothing. Aaaand it’s staying put. In conclusion: not horrific.
Co-Worker
1: Drink more, and give it a minute.
Co-Worker
2: Sure. (Sips a bit more, resumes
tapping keys, then stops) Hold on.
Co-Worker
1: You feel it?
Co-Worker
2: (Pats stomach several times, sniffs clearly through nose, and breathes
freely for the first time since entering the room) The sick’s gone. Where’s the sick gone?
Co-Worker
1: Feeling much better, yeah?
Co-Worker
2: “Better?” “Better” is not the word –
(Stands, flinging off heavy coat, gloves, and hat) I am feeling ASTOUNDING!
Co-Worker
1: Told you.
Co-Worker
2: (Downs the rest of the drink and sighs loudly) Yessss, I am cured! Absolutely cured, hallelujah!
Co-Worker
1: You’re welcome.
Co-Worker
2: So what is this, a miracle drug you’ve been holding out on the world?
Co-Worker
1: Nope, it’s just chamomile tea.
Co-Worker
2: Get out.
Co-Worker
1: Sometimes the non-prescription ways are the good ways.
Co-Worker
2: I don’t believe it! Tea?! This – (Holding mug aloft) is no mere tea! This is the cure to everything!!
Co-Worker
1: I don’t know about everything; I just know it helps with nausea –
Co-Worker
2: I must proclaim this panacea to the world!
(Dashes out of the office)
Co-Worker
1: Oh dear.
SEVERAL WEEKS LATER
Co-Worker
1: (Enters with New Co-Worker 2) And this is your desk; mine is right nearby if
you need anything.
New
Co-Worker 2: Thanks. (They both sit at
their respective desks) Hey, this is where my predecessor sat, right?
Co-Worker
1: Oh yeah. (Begins typing)
New
Co-Worker 2: Have you heard from them lately?
Co-Worker
1: (Swivels chair to stare at New Co-Worker 2, then swivels back to the
computer to bring up a video) Oh, just this.
(New
Co-Worker 2 rolls chair over to Co-Worker 1’s desk to watch)
(VIDEO:
Former Co-Worker 2, a glowing picture of health, beams while facing the camera)
Former
Co-Worker 2: Hello out there, all you poor saps who suffer from illness,
headache, nausea, soreness, pain, and all those other annoyances that plague us
throughout the day. Haven’t you ever
longed for a cure-all pill that would take all that nuisance and chuck it out
the window? Well, long no more, because
the answer you seek is not in pill form: (Holds up a steaming mug) it is
the simple, modest, unassuming, taken-for-granted leaf-and-water combination
that is CHAMOMILE TEA. Just one sip, and
what ails you will be utterly annihilated.
(Sips with closed eyes) This is all I ever drink now, and you should, too. No more prescription meds all fighting each
other and giving you more problems than you started with; no more constant
discomfort with no end in sight; no more nothing! And the best part is, no corporate sponsor,
either: Chamomile Tea, available in the coffee and tea aisle of your local grocery
store! Take control of your life and
start feeling non-sick today with this CURE TO EVERYTHING EVER!
Voiceover:
(While Former Co-Worker 2 continues to gulp down the tea) Warning: the
preceding statements have not been verified by any medical authority. Chamomile tea is not a tested or proven cure
for cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, neurological disorders, heart
disease, stroke, aneurysms, hypertension, hypotension –
Co-Worker
1: (Pauses video) This goes on for another 10 minutes, but you get the idea.
New
Co-Worker 2: Oh wow. You know a
celebrity!
Co-Worker
1: Sadly, yes.
New
Co-Worker 2: Actually, my stomach’s been bothering me a lot today, what with
the stress of starting a new job and finding a parking space and everything –
you mind if I go make a cup of chamomile tea for myself?
Co-Worker
1: Go right ahead. (New Co-Worker 2 runs
out; Co-Worker 1 addresses the paused video)
Not that I’ll ever see a dime from all this, when you never would
have known about it if it wasn’t for me!
And you can’t make money off of something people already know about, and
that you didn’t invent, and that a bunch of companies already manufacture! (Stomach grumbles) Great, now I feel
sick.
