Story 582: Leftover Finisher for Hire

 [Commercial]

(Scene of a large house party; everyone is standing or sitting around with plates of food, and there are lots of tables filled with even more food)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is hosting parties for your family and friends getting you down?

(Scene of a long table filled with trays and plates of food that were left behind, and one person standing helplessly in the midst of a pile of containers to cram everything in)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having to store pounds and pounds of uneaten food just no fun anymore?

(Scene of someone trying to fit several bursting containers into an overflowing refrigerator before dropping them all and slowly sinking to the floor, weeping)

Leftover Finisher: (Voiceover) Is having the same dinner for the next week-and-a-half just too darn boring?

(Scene of a family seated at a dining room table as Parent sets down several bowls for everyone to serve themselves)

Child: Aw, leftovers again?

Parent: (Whirling on Child while spewing flames) EAT IT AND LIKE IT!!!!

(Leftover Finisher appears in the dining room)

Leftover Finisher: Well, fret no more, my lovelies: leftover crises will be a thing of the past once you call me, Leftover Finisher, to solve all your extra-food woes!

Family Members: That sounds amazing!  How can it be?

Leftover Finisher: It’s easy!  Just give me a call at the number below – (Points to a telephone number flashing on the bottom of the screen) before the big event, let me know what time you expect to finish dinner, and I’ll take care of the rest!

Family Members: Awesome!  Tell us more!

Leftover Finisher: If you insist!  For the super-low price of $99.99 per hour, I’ll come to your house/apartment/cabin/banquet hall/campsite/any location whatsoever, and I will eat all the leftover food so you don’t have to put away a single drop!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) Thanksgiving turkeys; seven fishes; potato pancakes; any and all salads; lasagna; hamburgers and hot dogs; lima beans; and so much more!  You name it, I’ll eat it; and the more I eat, the less you have to stress over how to shove in all that extra sustenance!

Parent: But Leftover Finisher, what about dessert?!

Leftover Finisher: I’m glad you asked!  As I like to say, there’s always room for dessert!  Specialties include: (A bullet point list scrolls down the screen) birthday cake; fruit cake; cupcake; ice cream; sorbet; frozen yogurt; tiramisu; baklava; icing; frosting; and so much more!

(Cut to Leftover Finisher standing at the head of the table, surrounded by the now-standing Family Members)

Leftover Finisher: So don’t wait!  Act now, and if I don’t finish off all your leftovers before midnight, I’ll pack up what’s left in my own containers at no extra cost!  This is a limited-time offer, folks; you can’t beat these deals!

Child: (Tugs on Leftover Finisher’s sleeve) I have a question.

Leftover Finisher: (Turns to Child) Yes, good citizen!

Child: Why should we pay you to eat all this extra food, when we can give it to hungry people for free?

Leftover Finisher: (Stares at Child for a few moments, then turns back to the camera) So call now!

Story 342: Get Your Very Own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            [Commercial]

           (Scenes of Customer standing in the middle of an empty parking lot, an empty stadium, and an empty beach)

            Voiceover: Life getting you down lately?

            (Scene of papers being sucked out of Customer’s hand and into a kitchen garbage disposal)

            Voiceover: Did months of work just get obliterated?

            (Scene of Customer sitting at an office desk, slumped on one hand, while a coworker screams in their ear)

          Voiceover: Was your day going just fine until that one person said something that ruined absolutely everything?

            (Flashing lights, bright colors, and text cross the screen)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, my friends – all your worries will vanish as if they had never been once you get your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy!

            (Customer, now alone, still is slumped at the desk; the camera filter brightens as Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, wearing a superhero outfit, mask, cape, and “DTAIB” printed on the shirt, bounds onto the scene)

            Voiceover: Marvel as those never-ending negative thoughts are immediately vanquished!

          (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy grabs Customer by the shoulder and gives a slap across the face)

            Voiceover: Amaze as irreparable loss is rendered inconsequential!

            (Customer is leaning down to peer at the shreds of paper sticking out of the garbage disposal; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene and throws a glass of water in Customer’s face)

            Voiceover: Wonder as – hopefully – temporary setbacks are made tolerable by comparison!

          (Customer walks up to an empty local baseball field, grabs onto the chain-link fence, and sighs; Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene; Customer turns and gets a cream pie in the face)

            Voiceover: You will be astounded!  Confounded!  Bemused!  Befuddled!  And 100% satisfied by the results!

          (Customer, face covered in cream pie, stands with Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who has hands on hips in hero pose; both are facing the camera)

            Customer: That’s great!  Tell me more!

            Voiceover: That’s pretty much it.

            Customer: Oh.

            Voiceover: But wait, there’s more!

            (Scenes of Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy at office meetings, family dinners, factory floors, and solo-occupant living rooms, pegging people with water balloons, smacking them upside the head, bodily tossing them onto a floor mattress, and tweaking their noses)

            Voiceover: And the best part is, Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy is on-call 24-7 for all your life-distraction needs!  Bonus package includes multiple visits for family parties, whenever we can have those to complain about again!  Special rates for those troublesome late-night musings!

            (Scene of Customer tossing and turning in a bed, then grabbing the clock to see it read “3:24 a.m.”; turns back onto the bed to see Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, who pinches a nerve on Customer’s neck; Customer passes out)

            Voiceover: So don’t wait!  Call today at the number displayed on your screen – subject to change – (Changing phone number flashes at the bottom of the screen) or visit our Web site at www.dontthinkaboutitbuddyanddontsueus.com to order your very own Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and never worry about anything long-term again!

            (Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy bounds onto the scene in hero pose again)

            Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy: Remember, folks: only you – (Points to the camera) can end your own circular internal monologue!  By using me – (Points to self) to slap those pesky thoughts right out of your head!  Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, to the rescue!  (Lifts arms as a wire pulls Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy up and away)

        Voiceover: (Extremely fast speed) Warning-Don’t-Think-About-It-Buddy-only-provides-service-to-the-customer-on-the-bill-and-cannot-be-directed-to-provide-service-to-friends-or-enemies-if-you-change-your-mind-after-purchase-please-call-us-and-not-the-police.  (Regular speed) So don’t wait!  Call now for a Don’t-Think-About-It Buddy, and change your life today!

Story 285: Chamomile Tea Is the Flippin’ Cure to Everything

            (In an office: Co-Worker 1 is typing as Co-Worker 2 shuffles in, bundled up from head to toe, with a red nose, glassy eyes, and a hanging-open mouth)

            Co-Worker 1: (Staring as Co-Worker 2 stiffly drops into the chair at the desk, does not remove any of the outer items of clothing, and turns on the computer) Don’t tell me you’re sick again.

            Co-Worker 2: All right, I won’t.  (Hacks up a lung)

            Co-Worker 1: Gross.  Are you at least taking anything for it?

            Co-Worker 2: There’s nothing to take, it’s a virus – if someone gives me antibiotics, it’ll just make the bacteria that survive even stronger than they already are.  They’re poised to take over the world any day now, in case you haven’t heard.

            Co-Worker 1: Whatever; why don’t you use a sick day, that’s what they’re there for, and you wouldn’t be contaminating my space with your pestilence.

          Co-Worker 2: I don’t have any more sick days: I used them all up with my never-ending illnesses.  I’m also late with a bunch of projects because, you know, all the days I took off.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles) Ugh – you might want to clear a path out of my way, if you know what I mean.

            Co-Worker 1: Ew-ew-ew!  I’ll be right back.  (Runs out)

            Co-Worker 2: Don’t blame you.  (Begins typing with two fingers, one key every five seconds)

           Co-Worker 1: (Returns several minutes later with a steaming mug and sets it on the desk under Co-Worker 2’s face) Here.  Drink all of this now.

          Co-Worker 2: (Leaning on one hand, turns green while staring at the mug) I literally can’t stomach any ingestibles at this time, I thank you.  (Pushes mug aside)

            Co-Worker 1: (Pushes mug back) Trust me.  It’ll fix everything.

            Co-Worker 2: (Raises an eyebrow) Everything, eh?  That’s a bold prediction.

            Co-Worker 1: Just drink it, you’ll thank me.

            Co-Worker 2: OK, but be forewarned: it may not be pleasant here within a minute.  (Gingerly sips beverage, smacks lips, and nods) Mild.  Hmmm, soothing.  Aaaand it’s staying put.  In conclusion: not horrific.

            Co-Worker 1: Drink more, and give it a minute.

            Co-Worker 2: Sure.  (Sips a bit more, resumes tapping keys, then stops) Hold on.

            Co-Worker 1: You feel it?

            Co-Worker 2: (Pats stomach several times, sniffs clearly through nose, and breathes freely for the first time since entering the room) The sick’s gone.  Where’s the sick gone?

            Co-Worker 1: Feeling much better, yeah?

           Co-Worker 2: “Better?”  “Better” is not the word – (Stands, flinging off heavy coat, gloves, and hat) I am feeling ASTOUNDING!

            Co-Worker 1: Told you.

           Co-Worker 2: (Downs the rest of the drink and sighs loudly) Yessss, I am cured!  Absolutely cured, hallelujah!

            Co-Worker 1: You’re welcome.

            Co-Worker 2: So what is this, a miracle drug you’ve been holding out on the world?

            Co-Worker 1: Nope, it’s just chamomile tea.

            Co-Worker 2: Get out.

            Co-Worker 1: Sometimes the non-prescription ways are the good ways.

            Co-Worker 2: I don’t believe it!  Tea?!  This – (Holding mug aloft) is no mere tea!  This is the cure to everything!!

            Co-Worker 1: I don’t know about everything; I just know it helps with nausea –

            Co-Worker 2: I must proclaim this panacea to the world!  (Dashes out of the office)

            Co-Worker 1: Oh dear.

SEVERAL WEEKS LATER

            Co-Worker 1: (Enters with New Co-Worker 2) And this is your desk; mine is right nearby if you need anything.

           New Co-Worker 2: Thanks.  (They both sit at their respective desks) Hey, this is where my predecessor sat, right?

            Co-Worker 1: Oh yeah.  (Begins typing)

            New Co-Worker 2: Have you heard from them lately?

            Co-Worker 1: (Swivels chair to stare at New Co-Worker 2, then swivels back to the computer to bring up a video) Oh, just this.

            (New Co-Worker 2 rolls chair over to Co-Worker 1’s desk to watch)

            (VIDEO: Former Co-Worker 2, a glowing picture of health, beams while facing the camera)

           Former Co-Worker 2: Hello out there, all you poor saps who suffer from illness, headache, nausea, soreness, pain, and all those other annoyances that plague us throughout the day.  Haven’t you ever longed for a cure-all pill that would take all that nuisance and chuck it out the window?  Well, long no more, because the answer you seek is not in pill form: (Holds up a steaming mug) it is the simple, modest, unassuming, taken-for-granted leaf-and-water combination that is CHAMOMILE TEA.  Just one sip, and what ails you will be utterly annihilated.  (Sips with closed eyes) This is all I ever drink now, and you should, too.  No more prescription meds all fighting each other and giving you more problems than you started with; no more constant discomfort with no end in sight; no more nothing!  And the best part is, no corporate sponsor, either: Chamomile Tea, available in the coffee and tea aisle of your local grocery store!  Take control of your life and start feeling non-sick today with this CURE TO EVERYTHING EVER!

            Voiceover: (While Former Co-Worker 2 continues to gulp down the tea) Warning: the preceding statements have not been verified by any medical authority.  Chamomile tea is not a tested or proven cure for cancer, diabetes, autoimmune disorders, neurological disorders, heart disease, stroke, aneurysms, hypertension, hypotension –

            Co-Worker 1: (Pauses video) This goes on for another 10 minutes, but you get the idea.

            New Co-Worker 2: Oh wow.  You know a celebrity!

            Co-Worker 1: Sadly, yes.

           New Co-Worker 2: Actually, my stomach’s been bothering me a lot today, what with the stress of starting a new job and finding a parking space and everything – you mind if I go make a cup of chamomile tea for myself?

           Co-Worker 1: Go right ahead.  (New Co-Worker 2 runs out; Co-Worker 1 addresses the paused video)  Not that I’ll ever see a dime from all this, when you never would have known about it if it wasn’t for me!  And you can’t make money off of something people already know about, and that you didn’t invent, and that a bunch of companies already manufacture!  (Stomach grumbles) Great, now I feel sick.

Story 263: Paid to Care, LLC

            Voiceover: Have you run afoul of the law on charges that are totally bogus?

            (Scene of innocent patsy hauled away in handcuffs, screaming “This is a frame-up job!” while onlookers turn away in apathy)

            Voiceover: Is a seller asking way too much for a house you know is worth less than half the list price?

            (Scene of a dilapidated house with a “For Sale” sign outside; a graphic stating “1,000,000” overlays that, then is abruptly overlain itself with the word “DUMP!”)

            Voiceover: Are you tired of being constantly cut in line wherever you go?

            (Scene of a short person standing in line, trying to advance but blocked and forced backward by very tall people suddenly walking in front)

            Voiceover: Fret no more, because you can have your own personal on-demand advocate ready to fight the good fight for you at a moment’s notice, here at Paid to Care, LLC!

            (Scene of the innocent patsy in a jail cell; a Paid to Care Representative appears at the door)

        Representative 1: Hi there!  I’m here to produce video documentation, three or more eyewitnesses, bank records, and/or an award-winning monologue to get you right on out of there!

           Innocent Patsy: Wow!  That’s nothing short of miraculous!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!

            (Scene of an office with the house buyers and sellers arguing around a table, waving papers at each other – another Paid to Care Representative smoothly steps in front of the table to face the camera)

            Representative 2: (Smiling broadly and gesturing to each party in turn) Now, you know you’re selling a dump, so we absolutely refuse to pay any more than market value, which is at most a quarter of what you’re asking, and when I say “we,” I mean these guys, our wonderful clients!

            Sellers: Aw, shucks, you’ve got us there!  (Throws papers on the table to demonstrate defeat)

            Buyers: At last, justice is served!  Thanks, Paid to Care!

            Representative 2: No need to thank me; I’m not paying a dime!  (Winks at the camera)

         (Scene of the short person still being cut in line by more and more tall people arriving; an extremely buff Paid to Care Representative appears and begins tossing away the line-cutters left and right)

            Representative 3: That’ll teach you to jump the line, you self-centered space-takers!  (Grabs another person towards the front)

            Client: Wait, that one was there before me!

            Representative 3: Oh.  As you were.  (Lets go of the person, who can breathe again)  As I was saying, the rest of you maggots wait your turn!  (To Client) Proceed.

            Client: Golly gee, wish I had your physical and moral strength!  (To camera) Thanks, Paid to Care!  (Is cut in line again)

            Representative 3: (Grabbing the line-cutter and hauling them away overhead) What is it with you people?!  I despair in humanity!

            Voiceover: No request is too big, too small, or too dangerous!  Call us now at 1-800-PAI-D2C-AREZ and reserve that special someone to fight your battles for you today!  (In a lower rushed voice) Results-not-guaranteed-in-every-situation-a-non-refundable-deposit-of-$1,000.00-is-required-upfront-this-does-not-include-any-and-all-fees-taxes-interest-rates-and/or-insurace-costs-Paid-to-Care-LLC-is-not-responsible-for-any-and-all-damage-resulting-from-revenge-seekers-clients-agree-to-indemnify-and-hold-harmless-Paid-to-Care-for-blowback- (In normal voice) We’re here to serve YOU!