(In a house, three children are having lunch in the kitchen)
Parent: (Bursts in, waving tickets) Well kids, it took me five years but we’re finally making it to the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder, hooray!
Kid 1: (Applauds with a mouth full of sandwich) Hooray!
Kid 2: Hate to be the downer here, but isn’t that place for, you know….
Kid 3: Kids?
Parent: Yes! And you’re it! Them.
Kid 2: True, but five years is a long time in this stage of our existence.
Kid 3: Yeah – I started shaving last month.
Kid 1: Wait, this isn’t the roller coaster park that just does the Santa bit this time of year?
Kid 2: Nope: this is full-on North Pole.
Kid 1: Oh. (To Parent) I have to retract my “Hooray” – isn’t that place for kids?
Parent: WE ARE GOING.
(At the North Pole’s Magic Land of Fun and Wonder)
Parent: (Shoving Kids into the park) Go on, my lovelies, pick a place where you’d like to start!
Kid 2: (Looks around at the festive buildings) Um… can we get something to eat in Mrs. Claus’s Candy and Cookie Kitchen?
Parent: You just ate breakfast an hour ago!
Kid 2: Tell that to my growing body. (Holds stomach as it growls in agreement)
Parent: OK, we’ll get some snacks there, then it’s off to Santa’s Workshop, yippee!
Kid 3: Ooh, you think they’ll let me play with the power tools if I ask nicely?
Parent: ABSOLUTELY NOT!
(On the extremely long line to see Santa)
Kid 3: Are they gonna make us sit on his lap?
Parent: What do you mean, “make us”? Don’t you want the full experience of a benevolent father figure granting your heart’s desire?
Kid 3: It’s just that, I think I’m bigger than he is.
Parent: (Waves dismissively) Fine-fine, stand next to him or whatever then.
Kid 2: Can I do that, too?
Kid 1: Me three?
Parent: You two aren’t bigger than he is.
Kid 2: It feels creepy to sit on a stranger’s lap at my age.
Kid 1: Even if he is a right jolly old elf.
Santa Claus: (Waves to the family) Ho-ho-ho, NEXT! (None of the Kids move)
Parent: You wimps, I’ll do it! (Runs up to the platform and hops onto Santa’s lap)
Santa Claus: Oof! You’re quite a big child there, ho-ho-hm.
Parent: Hi Santa, all I want this year is three grateful children, please.
Santa Claus: You and me both – (Holds out a candy cane) take this and scram, you’re cutting off the circulation to my legs.
Parent: (Takes the candy cane and leaps off of Santa Claus) Thank you! (To Kid 1) Get up there!
Kid 1: (Approaches Santa Claus, remains standing) Hi Santa, could I have a quote-unquote “normal” parent this year?
Santa Claus: Mild embarrassment aside, you don’t know how lucky you have it. (Tosses a candy cane at Kid 1) Now get outta here and let through the ones who actually want to see me. (Kid 2 and Kid 3 walk off the line, following Kid 1)
Parent: If those two are gonna skip, can I take their places?
Santa Claus: Don’t be greedy, now beat it!
(The family arrives at a ride featuring flying reindeer)
Parent: Yes! Let’s go on this one, it’ll be perfect to ride those just as it’s starting to snow!
Kid 1: That sounds more magical than I think it’ll turn out to be.
(They wait on line for an hour, then climb aboard the reindeer that fly in a circle and up-and-down)
Parent: (Waving arms forward) On Dasher, on Dancer, wheee!
Kid 1: (Looking out at the parking lot) Hey, I can see the car from here!
Kid 2: (Looking up) I can see the sun from here! This is super high, oh-my-gosh!
Kid 3: (Stuck at the bottom of the vertical arc) I think mine’s broken.
(In the car on the way home)
Parent: Well kids, I know this was five years too late for you to fully appreciate it, but I hope you had at least some fun today in this excursion of merriment.
Kid 1: Yeah, the one ride was pretty fun in the blizzard and all.
Kid 2: My favorite was the Elf Chip Cookies. And the giant hot cocoa with the giant marshmallows. And the Yule Log Hot Dogs. And the Peppermint Hamburger Patties. And the –
Kid 3: I enjoyed seeing the wonder and magic shared by everyone there, and that special feeling only this season brings. And the Yule Log Hot Dogs were pretty sweet, too.
Parent: That’s the spirit! And because you all were so good today, I’m going to give you an extra special gift!
Kids 1-3: (Eagerly) What?
Parent: Next year, I’m going without you!
Kid 2: Probably for the best – we’d only slow you down.
