Story 579: Uninvited Guests

             (In a house, family members gather to eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow they go back to work and school)

Relative 1: (Using pot holders to take a bowl of cheese dip out of the oven and transfer it to Relative 2’s waiting hands) Put this on a trivet inside, please – and make sure no one eats it for at least five minutes or else their entire mouths’ll burn up.

Relative 2: (Hugs the bowl of dip with the pot holders) Oh I won’t.  (Smiles down at the bowl and licks lips on the way to the appetizer table in the living room)

Relative 1: Probably shouldn’t have trusted it to that one.  (Shoves a roasting pan into the oven and sets the timer just as the doorbell rings) I’LL GET IT!  (Runs to the front door and flings it open) Hiiiiiii!!!!!

Relative 3: (Holding a covered tray) Hi, thanks for inviting me!  What’s the occasion again?

Relative 1: (Keeping the door open as Relative 3 steps into the house and they hug) Oh, you know: we’re between major holidays; I need to host a get-together every few weeks or I’ll just burst; that old story.

Relative 3: (Hands over the tray) Well, I made cupcakes for later.

Relative 1: Yum.  (Closes the front door with a foot while peeking under the tray’s cover)

Relative 3: (Takes off a coat) I’m going to drop this off with the mountain of others in somebody’s bedroom, and then eat one of everything that’s out there; oh yeah, and say “Hi” to everybody and whatnot.

Relative 1: Please do.  (Yells toward the living room where the guests are all lounging) There better not be any food left lying around by the end of the night, you hear me?!

Relatives: (Murmurs of assent)

Relative 3: (Emerging from somebody’s bedroom after dropping off the coat) On it!  (Zooms into the living room)

Relative 1: Yeah, yeah.  (Turns away from the living room and suddenly sees three individuals had arrived after Relative 3, unnoticed by both) Who the blazes are you?!

Virus 1: Hey, how ya doin’ – we’re with the one who just came in.  (Gestures to Relative 3 hugging and kissing everyone in the living room)

Relative 1: What?!

Virus 1: `Scuse us.  (Goes to the living room, followed by Virus 2 and Virus 3)

Virus 2: (To Relative 1) Nice place you got here.  (Proceeds to touch all the doorknobs, light switches, and furniture)

Virus 3: (Lifts the cover of the tray that Relative 1 is holding, grabs a cupcake, and consumes it sloppily; through the crumbs) Thanks.  (Follows Virus 2 and Virus 3 into the living room)

Relative 1: (Frozen as the party continues) Nooooo….. (Tosses the tray onto a side table and walks slowly into the living room)

Virus 1: (Plops onto the couch between two relatives watching the television and hugs them close to each side) So!  How’s the game goin’?

Relative 4: Awful, as usual.

Relative 5: I don’t even know why we still watch these things; we always feel worse afterward.

Virus 1: That’s nice; you just keep on gazing at the magical screen and pay no attention to anything else here.  (Rubs their faces soothingly)

Virus 2: (After touching everything in the living room, crouches down to where several children are playing a board game) Neat!  Can I play?

Relative 6: Sure.

Virus 2: Thanks!  (Takes all the game tokens, jumps them around the board haphazardly, and gives them back to the players) There!  I win!

Relative 7: (Staring at the token in hand) I think you’re right.

(Virus 3 spreads cupcake crumbs all over the place while wandering over to where Relative 3 is chatting with Relative 2 next to the bowl of cheese dip)

Relative 3: If you want it, go for it; that’s what I always say.  I’ve lived by that motto for years and it’s never steered me wrong so far.

Relative 2: (Nodding in awe) Uh-huh.  (Shouts to Relative 8 who is sitting in an armchair) You hear that?  Yet another argument for me to run away and join the circus!

Relative 8: (Without looking away from the television) You do that, you’re not getting another dime outta me ever again.

Relative 2: (After a moment, turns back to Relative 3) So how do you go about not wanting things?

Relative 3: Well I –

Virus 3: (Reaches between Relative 2 and Relative 3) Don’t mind me.  (Scoops out a bunch of the cheese dip and ingests it lovingly) Mmmm – perfection.

Relative 2: (Staring at the dip in horror) Whaaaaaaaat is going on?

Relative 1: (Points an accusatory finger at Relative 3) YOU!

Relative 3: (Points an accusatory finger at self) Me?

Relative 1: You brought in these clowns – (Waves arms around to take in Viruses 1, 2, and 3 spread throughout the room) and now we’re all gonna get sick!  Horribly, grossly sick!

Relative 3: No I didn’t – I’ve never seen them before in my life!

Relative 1: HA!

Relative 3: OK, maybe they do look a little familiar –

Virus 1: We first me in `84.

Virus 2: `85.

Virus 3: `93.

Virus 1: `93 too.

Virus 2: Again in `98.

Virus 3: `01, `02, `03 –

Relative 1: ENOUGH!  (To Relative 3) Now I’m sure you had no idea that you had some hitchhiking freeloaders when you came here today –

Virus 1: Hey!  I’ll have you know that our parasite-host relationship is entirely to everyone’s mutual benefit!

Relative 1: (Turning on Virus 1) What do you think a parasite is?!

Virus 1: …Oh yeah, right; never mind.  (Pats the now-dozing Relative 4 and Relative 5 on the heads as Virus 2 and Virus 3 continue to circulate among the other Relatives in the room, invading their personal space and handling their food and drinks)

Relative 1: (Turning back to Relative 3) This is a disaster!

Relative 3: Hey, it’s not like I knew they were coming with me today; they gave me no notice, and I feel fine!  (Stomach growls; in a small voice) Would you excuse me for a minute?  (Runs to the bathroom and slams the door shut)

Relative 1: (Glares after Relative 3, then turns back to the living room) Unbeliev – WHAT IN THE WORLD??!!

Viruses 4 – 10^300000000: (Perched on every open space and person in the room) Hi there!

Relative 2: (In a corner, hugging the bowl of dip while sliding to the floor in the midst of all the Viruses) Mine… it’s mine….

Relative 1: But where did they all come from?!

Virus 1: Oh, us: once we’re all settled we like to fill up the space, spread the joy, know-what-I’m-saying?

Virus 2: It’s kind of our thing.

Relative 6: (Tugs on Relative 1’s shirt, sniffling exaggeratedly) Does this mean we don’t have to go to school tomorrow?

Relative 1 Ew – yes.  (Grabs all the tissues in the house and distributes them to the humans)

Relative 8: (Taking a tissue) Uh, thanks, but I don’t need it.

Relative 1: Oh, you will.  (Runs out of the living room again)

Virus 3: (Gently poking a cat sleeping on a pillow) Hey, this one’s rejecting me, no fair!  (Cat opens one eye, yawns at Virus 3, turns around, and falls back asleep) Wow, what a pro.

Relative 1: (Runs back into the living room with multiple bottles of disinfectant spray and begins hosing down everyone and everything with chemicals) Begone, demons!  (Nothing happens)

Virus 1: (Gets up from the couch to stretch out across the appetizer table) You know, the damage is already done, so you might as well enjoy the rest of your party – two or three days from now is when the fun really begins.

Virus 2: (Gently rotating on top of the ceiling fan) Yeah, you all have fun; you won’t even know we’re here! 

Virus 3: (Breaking up the ice in a bucket and dumping them in all the cups) Your house is our house is your house!  (Relative 6 dramatically wipes eyes and nose with a sleeve; Virus 3 passes over a bunch of tissues) Here – don’t be gross, kid.

Relative 1: (Scoots aside Viruses 7-700 to slump into an armchair in defeat) I suppose, considering I have all this food – !

(Oven timer DING!s)

Viruses and Relatives: Dinner!

(They race to the dining room)

Virus 1: (To Relative 1 on the way out) Gotta say, best party ever!

(Relative 1 is left alone in the living room with the cat and Viruses 347 – 12,958)

Relative 1: (To Viruses 347 – 12,958) Maybe take it easy on me?  I have a lot going on right now.

Viruses 347 – 12,958: Oooh, our favorite kind of host!

Story 325: It’s Not the Flu, It’s Just Food Poisoning

            (In an office)

           Coworker 1: (To Coworker 2 at an adjoining desk) It’s gotten so bad, I had to keep my kid home from school the other day when he got all phlegmy – turns out it was just allergies from our most recent bout of Fake Summer, but still, couldn’t take the chance, you know?  An entire class of parents would’ve been after my head if my kid’d infected their spawn.

            Coworker 2: And, also, you wouldn’t want to be responsible for getting other people sick.

            Coworker 1: Oh yeah, sure.

            (Coworker 3 enters with an ashen face, stringy hair, and rumpled clothing)

            Coworker 3: (From the depths) Morning.

           Coworker 1: (Stands and points at Coworker 3) No!  No!  You’re sick!  Get out!  Go home!  Go anywhere but here!   It’s probably already too late, argh!  I hate you.  (Grabs a disinfectant bottle and sprays everywhere)

            Coworker 3: (Drops briefcase and coat onto the floor and drops self onto the chair at the desk) Relax, I’m not sick.  (Holds stomach as it grumbles)

           Coworker 2: Sure doing a good impression of someone who is.  (Scooches chair slightly away)

            Coworker 3: I mean, I’m not sick with anything contagious.  I ate some bad veggies last night and my body went on automatic purge mode, so I didn’t catch anything; it’s entirely self-inflicted.  (Unwraps five pieces of ginger candy and pops them into mouth)

           Coworker 1: (Starts putting on a hazmat suit) Ha!  Bet you’re making that up – what’re your symptoms?

            Coworker 3: Please don’t make me relive my night of torture.

            Coworker 1: Tough – we need to determine whether you’re fit to be in our presence, breathing into our air, so spill!

           Coworker 3: (Grabs a mini-garbage can that is under the desk and holds it at the ready) Bad choice of words.

            Coworker 2: (Sympathetically) So, what happened?

            Coworker 3: Well, it all started when I went to the supermarket the other day –

            Coworker 1: Skip the prologue; what happened at the main event?!

           Coworker 3: (Suppresses a burp) Well, a few hours after dinner last night, I had a noisy and active date with the bathroom for quite some time, and apparently it was so good I got a call-back around 4:00 this morning.

            Coworker 2: Aww, poor thing.  (Rubs Coworker 3’s upper arm)

         Coworker 1: (Smacks Coworker 2’s hand with a ruler; muffled by the hazmat helmet) No touching Patient Zero!  (To Coworker 3) I’m still not convinced; the timing could just be a coincidence.

           Coworker 3: I was feeling fine all day until after dinner, and looking back now the vegetables did seem a bit suspect, so food poisoning’s the only logical conclusion.

            Coworker 1: That’s fallacious reasoning – correlation does not equal causation!

            Coworker 3: Huh?

          Coworker 1: Just because you got sick after dinner does not definitively prove that dinner made you sick!  Flu has an incubation period of up to four days, so you could’ve been walking around here with it this whole week!

            Coworker 3: (Holds grumbling stomach) I highly doubt it.

            Coworker 1: You’ve got all the classic symptoms!  Are you a doctor now, hm?!

            Coworker 3: No, are you?!

            Coworker 1: I vote we call Security and have you forcibly removed to home quarantine!

           Coworker 3: (Stands, then sways a bit and leans onto the desk) You’ll do no such thing!  I got the flu shot, this is just bad food that I’m already starting to recover from violently rejecting, so you’ve got nothing!  (Holds loudly grumbling stomach, then freezes)

           Coworker 1: (Also stands) “Starting to recover,” you say?  Starting to infect the rest of us, more like!  You know how many millions of people have gotten the flu this year?!  I refuse to join their ranks, do you hear me?!

           Coworker 2: (Also stands; to Coworker 3) Maybe you should go home, though – from a purely objective standpoint, you look terrible.

            Coworker 3: Yes, I will go home –

            Coworker 1: Aha!

           Coworker 3: Not because I have the flu, but because, like a child, I need to take care of my person, right now.  And any embarrassment I should be feeling is entirely supplanted by absolute irritation at this major inconvenience, and at you!  (Points at Coworker 1) So, if you’ll excuse me, I’m taking my lunch hour now.  (Stiffly backs out the door)

            Coworker 1: (Takes off the hazmat suit and sprays disinfectant everywhere again) Well, that’s taken care of splendidly.

            Coworker 2: (Sits) What do you mean?  I don’t think that was the flu.

           Coworker 1: (Also sits) Well, with all those people sick and even dying from it each year, I’m certainly not fooling around with something that may only turn out to be a mimic.

          (Several hours later; Coworker 3 is back and sitting at a desk off to the side, surrounded by a furniture barricade)

          Supervisor: (Enters in a rush) Bad news, folks: turns out a member of our office family unknowingly came in with the flu two days ago, so we probably’re all infected with it now.  Did you get the vaccine this year?

            Coworker 1: (Frozen) Yes.

            Coworker 2: I can’t get it anymore – I got Guillain-Barré Syndrome that one time.

            Supervisor: Oh.  Well, it’s a roll of the dice either way – just an FYI you all might get sick in the next day or so.

            Coworker 2: Oh dear heavens.

          Supervisor: So, if everybody could go ahead and submit their weekly reports by the end of today, that’d be lovely!  (Gives two thumbs up) Thanks-bye.  (Leaves)

          Coworker 1: So that’s it?!  We’ve been infected this whole time and didn’t even realize it’d happened?!

            Coworker 3: (Glares at Coworker 1 over the top of a chair pile) Does this mean I get credit for time served then?

            Coworker 1: (Sinks head down onto the desk) Oh ,who cares what you even really have, now we’re all going to be beaten up by our digestive systems within the next few days, plus who-knows-what-else, and I wash my hands and don’t touch doorknobs all the time, it’s not fair!  (Softly bangs fist on the desk and cries)

            Coworker 3: (Picks up mini-garbage can again as stomach grumbles) I really hope I don’t get the flu on top of this – I have nothing left to give.

Story 317: No Thanks for What You’re Giving

            (Friend 2 gets into the passenger side of a car driven by Friend 1)

        Friend 2: (Once seated, sees that there are wadded-up tissues everywhere) Ewwwww!!!!!  Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Speaks with a clogged head and an interrupted throat) No, I don’t feel sick, it’s probably just allergies.  (Sneezes out the open window and drives)

           Friend 2: (Rolls down the passenger side window all the way – it is 22°F outside) I don’t believe you, and even if it is allergies how can you still want to go to your family’s Thanksgiving dinner?

            Friend 1: (Wipes nose noisily) `S tradition.

          Friend 2: I think they’d understand.  I don’t even want to go now, what with the contamination.

          Friend 1: Would you relax?  It’s all symptoms, no substance – it’s literally all in my head.  (Coughs violently and nearly hits a deer standing on top of a grassy hill) I feel fine!

            Friend 2: (Holding head to shield from a collision) Liar.

            (At Friend 1’s family’s house)

            Friend 2: You go in first – I don’t want them to think I brought you and your infection here.

            Friend 1: You’re ridiculous.

            (Door opens)

            Cousin 1: Hi!  Happy Thanksgiving – come on in!  (Widens the door for Friend 1 and Friend 2 to enter and face everyone in the living room)

            Everyone: Hiiiiii!!!!

            Friend 1: `Abb-y Tanks-gibing, ebbry-one!

            (Everyone stares at Friend 1 in horror; Grandmother runs in from the kitchen)

            Grandmother: (Points an accusing wooden spoon at Friend 1) Are you sick?!

           Friend 1: (Blowing nose) Heh-heh-heh, no, it’s just allergies or change-of-season; I feel great!  (Sneeze-coughs)

           Grandmother: (To the rest of the room) No kissing, no hugging, no touching that one!  (Uses the wooden spoon to push Friend 1 to the farthest corner of the living room, kicks an Uncle out of a folding chair there, and points to it) Sit!

            Friend 1: Aw, Grandma – (Is whacked on the head by the wooden spoon) Ow!  (Sits)

           Grandmother: You’re lucky this isn’t the porch outside!  (To Friend 2) You!  Stay here, too – we’ll bring you both your food.

            Friend 2: (Whines) But why do I have to stay all the way out here?

            Grandmother: You’re contaminated!

            Friend 2: (To Friend 1) See!

           Grandmother: Go watch the parade and don’t move from this spot – dinner’s now delayed an hour thanks to your shenanigans!  (Returns to the kitchen while everyone moans)

            Friend 1: (Pulls a wine bottle out of a bag) Well, if I’m shoved into this corner then I guess no one’ll be needing this – (Cousin 2 snatches it away) Hey!  Isn’t that “contaminated” now?

            Cousin 2: (While rubbing the bottle all over with a bleach wipe) This is actually the one thing where the contents self-disinfect.

FOUR HOURS LATER

          (Friend 2 is sitting on the couch next to Friend 1’s chair, which is surrounded by growing piles of tissues, plates of snacks, and “DO NOT CROSS” tape)

          Friend 2: (Staring at the TV) You know, this situation has given me a whole new appreciation for football as a sport.

        Friend 1: (Watching a movie on a phone) Wonderful.  (Sneezes; a passing Aunt sprays disinfectant in the Friends’ direction) That’ll just make me sneeze more!

            Aunt: But it’ll be a clean sneeze.

            Grandmother: OK everyone, sit down, dinner’s ready!

            Uncle: Hee-hee, we’re already sitting down.

            Grandmother: Smart mouths get served last!

          (There is a rush to the two adult tables and the kitchen kiddie table; Friend 1 looks around, then darts to an empty chair at one of the bigger tables)

            Cousin 3: Grand-ma!  My cousin’s trying to break quaran-tine!

           (Wearing oven mitts, Grandmother grabs Friend 1 by the ear and tosses the body back onto the folding chair in the living room)

           Friend 1: (All the way back) Ow – ow – ow – ow – cough – cough – cough – gasp – gasp – cough –

            Grandmother: (Grabs a bunch of cough drops from her apron pocket and flings them at Friend 1) I’d better not hear another sound from this corner or you get nuthin’ from the table, do you hear me?!  (To Friend 2) What would you like for dinner, dear?

            Friend 2: Um, could I have a drumstick and some sides, please?  And a glass of milk?

            Grandmother: Of course.  (Turns to leave)

            Friend 1: Could I have all that too, please?  (Sneezes)

         Grandmother: I’ll think about it.  (To the tables) Now – everyone, take a turn saying what you’re thankful for.

            Aunt: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Uncle: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 4: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Cousin 5: (Looking at Friend 1) Good health.

            Friend 1: (Mutters) Brats.  (Sneezes)

TWO HOURS LATER

            Friend 1: (Wrapped in a blanket and holding a tissue) You think they’ll let me sneak a piece of apple pie from the table?

            Friend 2: How can you even be thinking of food right now – you look like you’re dying!

          Friend 1: Still hungry, which means I’m NOT SICK!  (Shouted at the main table, which the relatives playing cards there ignore)

            Grandmother: (Carrying a coffee urn) Everyone, sit down – dessert!

          (Rush to the two main tables, since one-third of the original company had moved on to the next set of families)

            Friend 1: (To Friend 2) Grab me a chocolate doughnut, would you?  (Coughs a lot)

            Friend 2: Ew, no; I’ll get you some tea.

          Grandmother: Oh no, you don’t – no one from that corner of the room moves until everyone else has left for the night!

            Friend 2: (In a small voice) But I have to go to the bathroom.

          (Everyone digs into the multitude of desserts; Friend 1 watches sullenly, then begins cough-laughing)

            Friend 2: What, aren’t you still bitter?

            Friend 1: Yeah, but joke’s on them: this means I don’t have to help clean up this year.