AUGUST 31
(In a spooky office filled with overachieving cobwebs, deranged pumpkins, and decorative screams, Interviewer hovers seated above a desk while flipping through papers as Interviewee glides through the closed door)
Interviewee: Helllooooo!!! They told me out there to come right in.
Interviewer: Of course, of course – (Gestures towards a broken chair) please, take a seat.
Interviewer and Interviewee: AHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
Interviewee: Good one!
Interviewer: Yeah, I’ve still got it. Seriously: float anywhere you like, we’re not fancy here.
Interviewee: Thanks; I usually prefer the ceiling, but for something like this I’ll bob up-and-down at approximate eye-level.
Interviewer: Appreciate it. (Briefly scans through the papers again as both bob gently in place) So! What brings you to our humble Halloween attraction this year?
Interviewee: Well, lately I’ve been searching for a new venue to add to my portfolio, and when I heard about The For-Real Haunted House Experience that actually was for-real haunted, I thought to myself, that’s perfect for my skillset!
Interviewer: (Examining the papers closer) Um-hm, yes, your résumé is most impressive. Mansion attics for the bored well-to-do; high-volume parking garages; elevators in the largest hotels in every major city both nationally and internationally; and the highlight: big-city funeral homes for the last 30 years.
Interviewee: (Pats hair modestly) Yes, that one’s a personal favorite: so few of us explore the untapped market of mortuaries; I think there’s a feeling that the living inhabitants there are desensitized to our presence, but that makes the impact all the more satisfying.
Interviewer: Indeed. Tried it myself once, but had to give up since success in haunting those who daily deal with the after-life was so… elusive.
Interviewee: It is a challenge, no doubt; but an extremely rewarding one, I find.
Interviewer: (Shuffles the papers to redirect the conversation) True, true – so! Now you want to “try your hand” at a Halloween haunted house where the living actually pay to have the bejesus scared out of them, eh?
Interviewee: Exactly.
Interviewer: I have to warn you, though: it’s probably not as glamorous as the -------- downtown parking garage or the ------- hotels’ elevators you’re used to. Lots of waiting around, and it can get a little repetitive; plus, the occasional show-off guest can be extremely unpleasant.
Interviewee: That’s fine; I can use the change of pace.
Interviewer: And you would need to commit for the full season. No disappearing off to another realm after a week if you find the situation here lacking – (Ominously) `cause we will find you.
Interviewee: Oh, no worries about that. I’ll be there the whole month-and-a-half, even if I do get bored.
Interviewer: (Skeptical) Um-hm.
Interviewee: OK, full disclosure?
Interviewer: Please.
Interviewee: I’ve been in a co-haunting situation for the past decade – (Briefly looks off to the side) or is it century? – either way, our styles are just too incompatible: I prefer thrills and chills, the other one prefers blood and gore, and it’s just not working anymore. The house literally isn’t big enough for the both of us, especially now that our current tenants keep using spells and accessories to summon us for kicks. It’s been a nightmare, I tell you.
Interviewer: (Shakes head in disgust) My condolences. I don’t know which of the parties are the worse in those situations: the troublemaking ghost or the troublemaking living.
Interviewee: I know, right? So, I figured, do this for a month or so, then see where the spirit world takes me after that.
Interviewer: (Lets the papers float away) Well, I have to say, most of our team members have stories similar to yours, so no shame in coming here for a temporary change before moving on to something else. At any rate, you’re in, if you still want the position.
Interviewee: (Fist pumps) Yes! Thank you so much – I just know it’ll be out of this world!
Interviewer: Definitely! Report back here at 5 p.m. on September 13 for some basic training – the ghouls will show you around the Demon Barn, the Possessed Corn Maze, the Wretched Forest, and the titular haunted house this year, the Condemned Mansion. Everyone rotates their stations to keep things, if you pardon the term, lively.
Interviewee: Sounds great! I’ve always wanted to haunt a corn field – those giant, whispering stalks are downright creepy.
Interviewer: Glad to hear it. (Sees a clipboard with a pen attached, floating by) Oh! Almost forgot. (Grabs the clipboard and pen) Do you prefer to be “Evil Clown”, “Evil Sorcerer”, “Evil Farmer”, and/or “Evil Doll”?
Interviewee: Oh. I thought we were going as ourselves here? Since it’s a real haunted attraction?
Interviewer: Yes, we tried that the first year and it went over like a lead balloon; the guests were decidedly not scared by us in our regular guises, even when a few of us tried ripping our faces off to kick things up a notch. The living all say they want authenticity, but when push comes to shove they literally scream for the evil clowns and dolls, go figure.
Interviewee: OK… I guess… “Evil Sorcerer”? At least to start.
Interviewer: (Enters some notes in the clipboard) Good, we’re a bit short on those this year. (Looks up at Interviewee) One more thing: a few years ago we started a Living Work Program here – give back to the community and all that – so you’ll see a few of them working behind-the-scenes only, and they’re absolutely indispensable with setting up everything now and then taking it all down after Halloween. Are you comfortable with that?
Interviewee: Of course! I love the living!
Interviewer: Don’t we all! (They both laugh) I mean, they are practically family.
Interviewee: Do they know, then?
Interviewer: Know what?
Interviewee: That the actors are actual ghosts?
Interviewer: The open-minded ones do – the rest are just grateful they’re not working at the job they had before this one.
Interviewee: I’ll bet.
OCTOBER 31
(At the Condemned Mansion, Interviewee-now-Evil Sorcerer Employee floats around a dark attic full of sinister furniture as screams and bangs resound throughout the house)
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Doing a backstroke across the ceiling around a flickering chandelier) Ah, I’ll miss this place when it’s all over.
Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the attic door and stairs and looks up at the ceiling) Hey, how you holding up here?
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats down to hover near the floor) Not bad, thanks, but still not too many visitors up here. I think the bottleneck in the Morbid Master Bedroom is confusing most of them so they forget to come up here and run back downstairs instead. It’s a shame, really – missing out on a whole room, and those tickets aren’t cheap.
Evil Clown Employee: Yeah, that’s rough. I keep trying to send them up this way, but most of them are “Nope! Exit!” at that point. Their loss.
Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah. (The attic door opens and footsteps and scared voices are heard on the steps) Ooh, got some live ones!
Evil Clown Employee: Have fun! I’ll come back later! (Floats down through the floor)
(A group of teenagers and adults all hold onto each other as they slowly ascend the steps)
Guest 1: Is there gonna be another demon doll?! I don’t think I can take it!
Guest 2: (Looking around frantically) Oh no, it’s a haunted yard sale up here!
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Floats over to the group as they all enter the attic) Good evening, mortal travelers! Welcome to my lair of sorcery! Who will be the next sacrifice to the Blood Moon on this All Hallows’ Eve? MWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Guests: AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! (Still all holding each other, they stumble as one back down the stairs and rush out the door, which slams behind them)
Evil Sorcerer Employee: Rats, I didn’t even get to fake a spell this time. I might be overselling this.
Evil Clown Employee: (Head peaks up through the floor) That was fast – a blur went past me in the hallway so fast that I didn’t even get a chance to chill their bones or shiver their spines or anything!
Evil Sorcerer Employee: Yeah, I think I have to tone it down a bit – they should get at least a full minute up here, what with all the time and effort that went into these decorations. (Gestures to a large table piled up with last-century books, brass candlesticks, and an ornate crystal skull) I mean, have you seen these knickknacks? I think some of them may be actual antiques!
(The attic door opens and footsteps come up the stairs again; screams, crashes, and intentionally short-circuiting wires are heard in the background)
Living Employee: (Dressed all in black; to Evil Sorcerer Employee) Hey, I have dinner break now – you need anything, or you just want me to leave the door open while I’m gone?
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Starts floating around the ceiling again) I’m fine, and you can leave the door open – it’s not exactly a prime destination spot.
Living Employee: All right, I’ll be back in half an hour. (Starts to leave, then turns back) By the way, how come none of you actors here ever need a break?
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses in floating) …Because we’re having so much fun!
Living Employee: Oh. OK. Sorry in advance if you get any rowdy guests while I’m gone – I shine the strobe lights a lot at those to keep them moving along.
Evil Sorcerer Employee: Thanks, you’re the best!
Living Employee: Yeah, well, I don’t want to deal with them, either. (Goes back downstairs)
Evil Clown Employee: Aw, the living can be so sweet sometimes.
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to floating around the ceiling) Bless their literal hearts.
Evil Clown Employee: (Floats up through the floor fully) So, what’s the next step for you after Halloween tonight?
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Back to the backstroke) Well, there’s an elevator with my name on it two cities over, and I really want to start exploring the potential of new construction luxury rentals. You?
Evil Clown Employee: Christmas Villages.
Evil Sorcerer Employee: (Pauses) Really?
Evil Clown Employee: I track down which guests are the real brats, and as they wait on line for photos with Santa, I appear to them as Krampus.
Evil Sorcerer Employee: Sounds like a perfect way to keep the spirit of Halloween going through to January.