Story 518: Post-Thanksgiving Lethargy

 EARLY THANKSGIVING WEEK

             Friend 2: (Answers a cell phone while working at an office desk) Hi, what’s up?

Friend 1: (On a cell phone in a department store break room) So, you’ll never guess what happened to me today!

Friend 2: You’re right, I won’t, so just tell me.

Friend 1: Well, it turns out for once in this… lovely store, too many people got scheduled to work on Black Friday so my manager asked me first if I wanted the day off since I’ve worked it for decades, so I jumped on that and now I don’t have to work that day!

Friend 2: Wow, that’s great, good for you.

Friend 1: I know, right?  I can scarcely believe it – the entire day after Thanksgiving, all to myself!  I don’t even know where to begin!

Friend 2: If you like, you can join my group this year as we go shopping for all the sales.

Friend 1: Heck no: you all get up at 3:00 in the morning after a holiday, and I’d also rather not spend my free time in the same type of place I already spend 40+ hours a week in, only now it would be 100 times worse with the holiday rush.  I’d actually rather still be working that day; at least then I’d be paid for the aggravation.

Friend 2: Figured I’d offer.  So, any idea what you’d like to do that day instead?

Friend 1: I don’t know; relax, for starters.

Friend 2: Definitely.

Friend 1: Maybe clean up the place a bit.

Friend 2: You?!

Friend 1: Cute.  Maybe go for a walk if it’s not too cold out.  Maybe go to the mountains, maybe the beach.  The possibilities are endless!

Friend 2: Well, whatever you wind up doing that day, have fun, and have a Happy Thanksgiving – I have to go back to work now.

Friend 1: Thanks, and Happy Thanksgiving to you, too!  (Ends the call and clutches the cell phone in glee) This is gonna be great!

 DAY AFTER THANKSGIVING

 9:00 A.M.

(Friend 1 wakes up smiling, turns to an alarm clock that is not alarmed, and rolls back with eyes closed)

Friend 1: Just a few more minutes… not like I’m going anywhere….

10:00 A.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats breakfast in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-breakfast nap to aid the digestion….

12:00 NOON

Friend 1: …Maybe another five minutes….

2:00 P.M.

Friend 1: …Probably should eat something…. (Eats lunch in pajamas, then goes back to bed) Just a little after-lunch nap to aid the digestion... then I’ll start the day for sure….

5:00 P.M.

(Friend 1’s phone rings)

Friend 1: (Gropes around the bedside table in the darkening room to answer the phone) Mmmm-what’s up?

Friend 2: (On the phone while standing on a never-ending line in a department store) Did you get out of bed at all today?

Friend 1: (Sits up straighter) Of course I did.

Friend 2: Besides eating.

Friend 1: …Definite “out”.

Friend 2: Unbelievable – I swam upstream through several seas of humanity to finish my gift shopping for the next two years, and you’re lounging about doing absolutely nothing but sleep!

Friend 1: I’ll have you know, sleep is very important to one’s health and should not be neglected, and I needed extra of it to recover from yesterday.

Friend 2: Recover from what?!  Eating too much?!

Friend 1: And drying several dishes, along with one or two utensils, I might add.

Friend 2: Lazy!  You are a lazy, lazy lump!

Friend 1: I resent that!  This is the first Black Friday I’ve had off in over 20 years, and I’ll spend it however I darn well please!  Even if it’s spent in minimal-to-nil activity.

Friend 2: You’re right, I’m sorry – I shouldn’t be so judgmental, you work hard and you deserve to enjoy your day off however you like.

Friend 1: Thank you, I appreciate that.

Friend 2: You’re welcome.  Well, the group’s almost finished with our last store and then heading out to dinner, so maybe we’ll do lunch or something next weekend, OK?

Friend 1: (Leans forward) Ooh, since you’re still out shopping could you pick me up some wrapping paper and bows and gift bags and tags and ribbons and tape?... Hello?... (Holds out the phone and sees on the display that the call had ended; sets the phone onto the table and lies back on the bed) Maybe another five minutes….

Story 517: You Had One Dish to Bring on Thanksgiving

 WEDNESDAY BEFORE THANKSGIVING

 (Relative 1 sits at a kitchen table paying bills on a laptop)

Relative 1: (Squints while leaning closer to the screen) They’re charging me a credit card fee after I’m saving them money by going paperless?!  Rude.  (Cell phone rings; Relative 1 picks up the phone, smiles on seeing the name on the caller ID, and answers) Hi there, Happy Early Thanksgiving, how –

Relative 2: (Has a cell phone propped against an ear and shoulder while pushing an overflowing shopping cart down a supermarket aisle surrounded by frenzied shoppers and constant panicked overhead announcements) I’ll cut right to the chase: seven family members cancelled on me last-minute due to various viruses and now I’m short on side dishes, so instead of salad I’m gonna need you to bring mashed potatoes instead.

Relative 1: Ohhhhh…. (Looks over at bags of lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and an empty bowl all lined up on the counter) I was just about the make that up right after I finished depleting my bank account for the month.

Relative 2: Perfect timing, then – return what you didn’t use and get me mashed potatoes!  Please.

Relative 1: Um, I’m not sure you actually want me to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 2: (Tossing boxes of baking soda, flour, and sugar into the cart) What’s to make?  You go to the aisle with the refrigerated cases, get about five or so of the premade packages, and we empty `em into a large bowl and heat it up right before dinner!  I’d get them myself but now I have to make the corn casserole, cranberry sauce, apple pie, and pumpkin pie, and frankly neither I nor my budget can face one more bit of foodstuff on top of all that no matter how trivial it may seem.

Relative 1: But what about the salad?

Relative 2: No one cares about the salad!  I only asked you to bring it because it’s impossible to mess up and pretty much everyone skips it anyway!

Relative 1: Well I never – !

Relative 2: (Dashing the cart up another aisle aiming for the last two pie crusts in a refrigerated display case) Well you have now; no more time to chat; hours behind schedule; see you tomorrow; hugs and kisses; byeeeee!!!  (Drops the phone into the cart and dives into the crowd surrounding the case) MINE!

Relative 1: (Stares at the silent phone, then over at the now-useless salad stuff) So this means I have to go to a supermarket on the day before Thanksgiving?  (Eye starts twitching)

 STILL WEDNESDAY – 9:00 P.M.

 (Relative 1 rummages through the nearly-empty vegetable section of a refrigerated display case in a different, slightly less-crowded supermarket)

Relative 1: Ergghhh… all mashed cauliflower, no mashed potatoes.... (Grabs a box) Maybe I can get away with roasted potatoes?

Relative 2: [Voice in Relative 1’s head] I said “mashed”!!!

Relative 1: (Shudders and replaces the box on the shelf, still holding the door open to stare at the remaining products) So no mashed potatoes – do I need to buy actual potatoes and mash them myself?  (Shudders harder)

Shopper 1: (Zips a shopping cart to a stop next to the door) `Scuse me, can I get in there, please?

Relative 1: Huh?  Oh, yeah.  (Widens the door and steps aside)

Shopper 1: (Scoops boxes into the cart) You know, I couldn’t help overhearing your external monologue – there are boxes of potato flakes in Aisle 7 that you basically just mix and heat up to make mashed potatoes.

Relative 1: (Gasps) Really?!  Just like that?!

Shopper 1: (Still scooping) Yep: no muss, no fuss.

Relative 1: (Runs down the aisle) Thank you – thank you – thank you!

Shopper 1: (Moves on to another case, opens the door, and begins scooping more boxes into the cart) Sure thing – just need milk and butter.

Relative 1: (Skids to a stop and turns back) Eh?

Shopper 1: Oh, and salt, but you probably can get away with seasoning it later.  (Closes the door and speeds off in the opposite direction) Good luck!

Relative 1: (Starts shaking) …Ingredients?!

(In Aisle 7, Relative 1 holds up a box of potato flakes and scrutinizes the minimal instructions)

Relative 1: But what type of milk?  What type of butter?  Why are there no specifics?  (Looks up to the ceiling) Thanksgiving’s gonna be ruined because of MEEEEEE!!!!

Shopper 2: (In mid-rush with an overflowing shopping cart; briefly pauses next to Relative 1) Used to feel the same way: just tell everybody it’s that or nothing, they shut up real fast.  (Resumes sprint as Relative 1 stares after, then back at the box in a panic)

THANKSGIVING – BEFORE THE MAIN EVENT

 (At Relative 2’s house, chaos reigns as multiple dishes are being prepared simultaneously in the kitchen, adults yell at each other in order to be heard, and children yell at each other just because)

Relative 2: (To Relative 3) Could you start carving the turkey while I finish up the mushrooms?

Relative 3: Of course!  (Starts sharpening knives with glee) I live for this.

Relative 2: You worry me.  (Counts the full pots, pans, and platters on or in tables, counters, stoves, ovens, broilers, toasters, and microwaves) Hold it – we’re missing one.  (Thinks for a few moments, then slams a hand down on a cutting board in realization) Mashed potatoes!

Relative 4: (Entering the kitchen with an empty appetizer tray to clean) Yeah, is anyone else concerned that cousin’s not here yet?

Relative 2: (Grabs an upright phone sitting on a charger and pounds the keys while grinding teeth) Not – enough – sides!

Relative 4: Just me then?  OK.  (Starts on the towering pile of dishes in the sink)

Relative 2: (Listens to the phone ring, then immediately speaks once the call is answered) WHERE ARE MY MASHED POTATOES?!

Relative 1: Uhhhh…. (Covered in potato flakes and watching a pot on the stove slowly but surely bubble up to overflowing) I think I might’ve misread the instructions….

Relative 2: What instructions?!  You bring them here and we reheat them, HOW CAN YOU MESS UP DOING NOTHING?!

Relative 1: (Stirring the pot faster and faster) Well, the store didn’t have that kind, so I had to get a box of dried-out potatoes instead, and milk, and butter, and they don’t even tell you what type, by the way: 1%?  2%?  Salted?  Unsalted?  And what type of salt, but I skipped that –

Relative 2: YOU COULD’VE BROUGHT THE BOX HERE AND I WOULD’VE MADE THEM!

Relative 1: (Stops stirring; the pot boils over) …You seemed busy.

Relative 2: (Bites on a wooden spoon, then speaks deathly low) Stop whatever you’re doing, get over here now, and bring the box with you.

Relative 1: (Tries using a lid to smother the overflowing pot) OK, I guess I can wrap it up so it doesn’t spill all over the car – traffic’s a nightmare right now though, so it’s probably gonna take me at least an hour –

Relative 2: I SAID GET OVER HERE NOW!  (Slams the phone down onto the charger, takes a breath, and sees Relative 3 hovering in mid-carve while staring at Relative 2) Who told you to stop?!

Relative 3: (Starts slicing again) On it!

Relative 2: (Enters the living room where most of the relatives are gathered, about half of them watching the football game) All right folks, I’ve got good news and bad news.  Good news is: dinner is almost ready.

Relatives: YAY!

Relative 2: Bad news is: there’ll be no mashed potatoes.

Relatives: ARGGGGHHHHH…. (Relative 5 stands up to leave)

Relative 2: (Points to Relative 5) Sit!

Relative 5: (Sits back on the couch, grumbling) But I only wanted to eat the mashed potatoes….

Relative 2: I know, everyone;, it’s a great loss, but we will strive to enjoy the turkey and the 23 other sides without it, I suppose.

Relative 4: (Leans into the living room from the growing pile in the kitchen sink) Wait a second, is the cousin who was supposed to bring it all right?  Did something happen?

Relative 2: Irrelevant to the meal!  (Spins on heel and returns to the kitchen, stopping short in front of the main stove) And now the gravy’s all lumpy, gaaaaaahhhhh!!!!

THANKSGIVING – DESSERT HOUR

 (Relative 1 enters Relative 2’s house carefully carrying a large package while everyone else sits at several tables of varying sizes eating pies, cakes, cookies, and candies)

Relative 1: (As everyone turns to the sound of the front door closing) Hi everybody, Happy Thanksgiving!

Relatives: (Waving) Hiiiiiiii!!!!  Happy Thanksgiving!

Relative 4: You made it!  Are you OK?

Relative 1: (As Relative 2 zooms over from the main table) Yeah, just a little mishap with the mashed potatoes, sorry you had to miss out on those this year.

Relatives: Nah – that’s OK – it’s fine –

Relative 5: It was not fine for me!

Relative 1: (Turns to Relative 2’s glare and holds out the package) So, I ran out to the store again today and managed to snag the last batch of freshly-baked cinnamon buns –

Relative 2: (Snatches the package out of Relative 1’s hands) All is forgiven.

Story 467: Trying to Get to Thanksgiving

(At a Thanksgiving family gathering, relatives prepare the food, set the table, watch and yell at the football game, and take a pre-nap nap in the early afternoon when the house phone unexpectedly rings)

Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses in basting the turkey to pick up the phone) This’d better be important.

 Relative 2: (Driving extremely slowly in bumper-to-bumper traffic on city streets) Happy Thanksgiving!  Can you hear me?!

Relative 1: (Moves on to stirring cranberry sauce on the stove) Happy Thanksgiving to you, too – and of course I can hear you, stop yelling.

Relative 2: (Lowers voice slightly) Sorry – it’s just that I’ve been in this massive traffic jam for what feels like days and everyone around me seems to’ve discovered their car horns and are forming a band with them as we speak.  You’re probably getting ready for dinner right about now –

Relative 1: (Chuckles while swapping out casserole dishes in the microwave) Honey, we’ve been getting ready for dinner for the past two weeks.

Relative 2: Yeah – I’m gonna be a little late.

Relative 1: Define “little.”

Relative 2: Ummm…. (Peers through the windshield to read an upcoming sign) I’ll be crossing the state line in 20 miles.

Relative 1: (Momentarily pauses again while spooning mashed potatoes into a large bowl) You’ve got another hour drive here after that, and that’s when there’s no traffic.

Relative 2: Yeah….

Relative 1: What time did you leave this morning?

Relative 2: More like this afternoon.

Relative 1: On Thanksgiving?!  Knowing that the entire country is out on all the roads at exactly the same time?!  What were you thinking?!

Relative 2: (Sheepishly) I’m thinking… start without me?

Relative 1: (Gives a noise of disgust while rapidly stirring a bean salad) We’ll save you a plate!  (Hangs up the phone with one hand while stirring with the other, then sticks head out of the kitchen into the dining room) Take away the place setting on the far left end – we’ve got a late one!

Relative 3: Ooh, does this mean I can finally graduate from the kiddie table this year?

Relative 1: No!  It means more room for us!

Relative 3: Shucks.  (Takes away the place setting)

Relative 1: (Returns to the kitchen momentarily, then sticks out head again) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dinner!

Relative 4: (Also in the kitchen) But the potato pie’s still got another 20 minutes.

Relative 1: (Back in the kitchen) It’ll take them 20 minutes to actually sit down.

Relative 4: Good point – I’ll keep stirring the gravy.

 TWO HOURS LATER

(The dishes have been cleaned, leftovers have been sorted, tables have been wiped down, desserts and drinks are being staged for deployment, more football is being watched and yelled at, and naptime resumes scattered throughout the house)

Relative 5: (Cracking walnuts at the dining room table while addressing Relative 6 sitting opposite) Look, I’m gonna tell you something I wish someone had told me decades ago: Life is a series of dreams being crushed, with the biggest blow being the realization that you shouldn’t’ve had them to begin with.  [CRACK!] You’ll have an advantage over your peers now.  (Relative 6, a 5-year-old child, sits there with mouth agape)

Relative 1: (Sticks head into the dining room while drying a large platter in order to address Relative 5) Hey!  Help me in the kitchen!

Relative 5: You guys kicked me out of the kitchen!

Relative 1: And now you’re bothering your cousin, so get in here and bring out the pumpkin pie!

Relative 5: (Tosses a cracked walnut to Relative 6, who catches it with a whimper, then saunters over to the kitchen) I’m not bothering; I’m dispensing life lessons.  (The house phone rings)

Relative 1: (Scooping coffee grounds madly) Dispense them over the phone, then!

Relative 5: (Sighs, then picks up the receiver) Hello, not my house, just answering.

Relative 2: (Stopped in the middle of a five-lane road, surrounded by motor vehicles of all sorts; in the background, the sun is almost set) Whichever blood relation or in-law this is, could you turn on Channel 4 and tell me what the BLAZES is going on out on the parkway, please?!

Relative 5: (Saunters over to the living room) Oh hey, still stuck in traffic?

Relative 2: …Clearly!

Relative 5: Why don’t you just use your phone’s GPS to see if it’s an accident or something?

Relative 2: I have not moved from this spot for an hour and a half – I turned off navigation `cause it was draining the phone’s battery!

Relative 5: Use the car charger, then.

Relative 2: I turned off the engine!  And that’d just drain the car’s battery! 

Relative 5: Right.  (Grabs the remote control, waits for a commercial on the TV, then changes the channel)

Relatives 7-13: (Watching the TV) Hey – ohhhh!!!

Relative 5: Two seconds; just need the traffic.

Relative 2: They should be showing something on the news: there are helicopters everywhere, and I am this close to begging them to air lift me out of here!

Relative 5: Heh, sounds fun – oh, here it is.  (Puts the phone on speaker)

TV Announcer: (Standing next to the parkway with an unending sea of cars and trucks) We’re live at the scene where there is an 112-vehicle pile-up –

Relatives 7-13: Hey – ohhhh!!!

Relative 2: WHAT?!

TV Announcer: – if at all possible, do not get on the parkway southbound, or any roads connected to it, for at least the next month.

Relative 2: (Sobs)

Relative 5: (Changes the channel back to the football game and tosses the remote control onto a chair) I have a question: you think you could maybe ditch the car and walk here?  It’s probably faster at this point.

Relative 2: (Sniffs) I wonder, maybe…?  No, it’d take me half a day just to get to the exit!  I’ll be trapped here forever surrounded by chaos and the never-ending sound of blaring horns, whatamIgonnadooooooo????!!!

Relative 1: (Emerges from the kitchen with pitchers of hot and cold drinks as other relatives finish bringing out the goodies) All right everybody, sit down, it’s time for dessert!

Relative 5: Ooh, gotta go.  (Disconnects the call, tosses the phone onto the couch, and joins Relatives 7-13 in the rush from the living room)

(Relative 2 stares at the silent phone, sets it down gently on the passenger seat, watches the circling helicopters and fellow travelers setting up campfires and tents all over the place, and then reclines the seat all the way back to take a nap)

 THREE HOURS LATER

(Relative 1 is dozing in an armchair in front of the TV when there is a faint banging on the front door.  Suddenly waking up, Relative 1 then heads to the door, unlocks it, and sees Relative 2 standing on the front porch, hands held up at 10 and 2 o’clock)

Relative 1: Hi – (Yawns and waves Relative 2 inside) you made it!

Relative 2: (Stops just inside the vestibule as Relative 1 closes the door) Everyone else is gone; the food is gone; I, myself, am gone….

Relative 1: (Hugs Relative 2, gently pushing down the latter’s arms) I saved you a plate.

Relative 2: Thanks – that just about makes it all worth it.