Story 557: I Wish The Voice In My Head Would Shut Up Sometimes

             (On a job interview in an office, Interviewer and Everyperson are seated across the desk from each other)

Interviewer: (Holding resume with both hands and tapping the edge on the desk) So!  What would you say are your greatest strengths?

Everyperson: Well, I work hard, and I’m a quick learner –

<Voice In My Head:  HA!>

<Everyperson: Huh?>

<Voice In My Head: You haven’t been a “quick learner” in decades – the memory loss is getting worse and your confusion in new situations has become legendary.>

Everyperson: (Nods in finality at Interviewer) Uh-huh, yes.

Interviewer: OK… then, what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Everyperson: Oh, um….

<Voice In My Head: “UMMMMM”?!  We’ve talked about this.>

Everyperson: I sometimes focus on a task so much that I overlook other priorities, you know, because I care so much about getting the job done right….

Interviewer: Uh-huh….

Everyperson: But I’m working on that.

<Voice In My Head: Eh, could be better.  Seriously though, why are you practically begging to have your time monopolized and your so-called talents exploited by a company that’ll barely compensate you for the agita it’s going to inflict and that’ll replace you with a robot the first chance it gets?  And do you actually want to work for this clown?  I can see all the future arguments you two are going to have, stretching across the decades – want me to play them out for you?>

Interviewer: (Stands and holds out hand; Everyperson also stands and they shake hands) Whelp, thank you for your time, but we’re going to go in a different direction.

<Voice In My Head: Heh, knew that was coming.>

Everyperson: Oh.  Thank you – bye.  (Leaves the office)

<Voice In My Head: You really are no good at promoting yourself, you know that?  Now was the perfect time to have a memorable wrap-up in case they change their minds later, but nope: “bye” was all you could do.  (As Everyperson quickly walks through the main lobby to exit the building) And if you start crying, you’ll only be advertising your failure to all these passing strangers.>

Everyperson: (Through gritted teeth) Knock it off.

<Voice In My Head: You wish.>

(At a party)

(Everyperson stands with Guest next to a snack table, both holding full plates)

Guest: Nice to see you!  How’s everything been lately?

<Voice In My Head: Don’t say “A little of this, a little of that,” everyone knows that means “Nothing.”>

Everyperson: Well…

<Voice In My Head: Say “Not much, but hoping thing’s’ll change soon; how about you?”>

Everyperson: A little of this, a little of that; how about you?

<Voice In My Head: …I’m out.>

Guest: Well, you know all that’s been going on with the family lately – (Everyperson nods and takes a bite out of some bruschetta) I really don’t know how we’re going to get by with all the medical bills and the car payments and the school payments and the house payments and the other payments I’m forgetting right now.  I probably shouldn’t even be here tonight, but my partner and I haven’t been on an actual date in almost seven years, so, you know, it’s something.  Gotta take some time for yourself, I guess, right?

Everyperson: (Nods) Sure, everyone’s gotta be selfish one in a while.

Guest: …What?

Everyperson: (Blinks slowly) I’m… sorry, that was rude – could you excuse me for a minute, please?

Guest: Sure.  (Slightly turns away and scarfs down a pile of crackers and cheese)

<Everyperson digs into the basement of the mind and finds Voice In My Head sitting on a couch and playing a video game that had been finished ages ago>

<Voice In My Head: (Holding a laser rifle, engrossed in the space targets) Pew-pew-pew-pew!>

<Everyperson: Excuse me!>

<Voice In My Head: (Turns around to see Everyperson glaring) Oh, hi there.>

<Everyperson: Of all the times to shut your trap, you pick now?!>

<Voice In My Head: What, stuck your foot in your mouth again?>

<Everyperson: Yes!  The one time I actually need you to chime in and tell me not to say something hurtful or embarrassing, and you’re down here tucked away in Memory Lane!>

<Voice In My Head: Well, I got tired of you either ignoring me or sassing me back, so I figured might as well have some fun instead.  (Suddenly picks up the laser rifle and turns to the face the game again) I’ve got you now!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew!  Pew! –  (Everyperson grabs Voice In My Head and drags the latter out of the basement) Ow!  This wasn’t part of our arrangement!>

(At a family dinner, numerous relatives are seated around a long dining room table)

Relative 1: And I have to say – I won’t be silenced anymore – I have to say, those people – (Rants for five minutes straight)

Everyperson: (Takes a breath to counter when the rant finally ends)

<Voice In My Head: Not a word – you’re a guest here, and you never make a coherent argument anyway so you’ll just make things worse.>

<Everyperson: But – >

<Voice In My Head: Nope.>

<Everyperson: I – >

<Voice In My Head: Zip it.>

<Everyperson: Can’t – >

<Voice In My Head: Clam up.>

<Everyperson: Grrr.>

<Voice In My Head: Don’t even grind your teeth – that’s louder than you think it would be.>

Relative 2: (To Relative 1) And I have to say, that is pure hogwash, and you are a pedantic twit!

(A shocked hush falls across the table until Relative 1 and 2 simultaneously have at it with furious invectives flung at each other while everyone else ducks for cover)

<Voice In My Head:  (Gestures at Relative 2) See?  That could have been you.>

<Everyperson: (Finding a good spot to hide with everyone else under the table) Not helping!>

<Voice In My Head: (Casually leaning back in chair as food begins to fly) You can thank me later.>

Story 233: The Lone Honest Film Critic

            Interviewer: (Seated at a table, facing the camera) Welcome, movie lovers.  Today, our guest is someone with whom all of you should be familiar: she is the one whose taglines appear at the top of every poster of the films that matter, and even of those that do not, and whose reviews take up five pages of newsprint or, equivalently, 10 minutes of scrolling down the screen.  The sole, the unique voice in all of film-reviewer land: Veracity Von Impartial.   (Interviewer and camera turn to her, seated at the opposite side of the table) Thank you for joining us today.

            Veracity: Thank you – it’s a duty but also a mild pleasure.

           Interviewer: For those in our audience who are not familiar with your work: you, in essence, write film reviews that are honest.

            Veracity: (Nods) Yes.

            Interviewer: Not disingenuously praiseworthy, not unnecessarily cruel, just – honest.

            Veracity: Exactly.

            Interviewer: Please elaborate for us, on your methodology.

           Veracity: (Shifts in her seat as she warms to her subject) You see, there are so many reviews out there that… over-emphasize the good in a particular film while ignoring the bad.  And, conversely, there are so many reviews that… dwell upon the bad while disregarding the good, usually for the reviewer to, and I hate to sound like I’m betraying my peers, usually to demonstrate their own writing skills that they think they have.

            Interviewer: (Nods vigorously) Oh yes, we know those.

           Veracity: In all that chaos, I uncovered a need: a need, for the movie-going public, to be told the truth about a film so they can make an informed decision on whether to invest their precious time, their hard-earned income, and/or their uncomfortable date night on it.  The bottom line is, and you’ve heard this before from me, there is no film so good as to be “The Best Film of the Year.”  That’s your opinion, maybe.  Or, “The Best Such-and-Such of the Entire Series!”  (Shrugs) How do you know?  Is the series over yet?  You don’t know if that one will continue to be the best.

            Interviewer: (Shakes head) You don’t know.

        Veracity: In some reviews of series, I have been compelled to write along the lines of: “Entertaining – But the Last One Was Better Overall.”  Or: “A Weak Entry, With Exciting Action Sequences.”  Or even: “Enjoyment Equal to Parts 1, 4, 7, and 12.”

            Interviewer: I remember those.

            Veracity: And on the flip side, I have yet to see a film that has not one redeeming feature in it.  There is no film so bad, where I can neglect my duty in communicating to the audience that “The Costumes Were Historically Accurate,” or “Contains a Realistic Depiction of Ennui,” or “The Special Effects Were Sufficient to Overcome the Lack of Plot,” or, now I remember, “The Lead Compensated for the Deficiencies of the Rest of the Cast.”

            Interviewer: (Looks through papers) There was one film, which we won’t name but probably almost everyone here and watching at home can figure out which, that was universally panned when it was released.

            Veracity: Oh yes.

          Interviewer: And I mean panned: I’m not exaggerating when I say that everyone had something negative to say about it: the reviewers, the audience, the cast, the crew, the screenwriters, the producers, the studio – it was an unnatural disaster.  However, suddenly, one good review appeared, which stated: (Reads from paper) “This is the best movie I have ever seen in my entire life and the rest of you can all go to – ” I won’t read the rest.

            Veracity: Mm-hm.

            Interviewer: It later was revealed that... that reviewer was the director’s mother.

            Veracity: (Quietly) Mm-hm, scandal.

        Interviewer: However, your review also stood out from all the others, in its… non-condemnation, if that’s the word I want to use?

            Veracity: That about sums it up, yes.

            Interviewer: With your permission, I’d like to quote it in its entirety.

            Veracity: Go right ahead.

          Interviewer: (Holds up a different piece of paper) Your review, on what has been decreed by nearly all of humanity as the worst film ever created in the history of the medium, is as follows: (Reads from paper) “Eh.”

          Veracity: It was not a decision I made lightly: it took a lot of soul-searching to properly express what… feeling this film evoked in me.  I can’t speak for everyone else, but I had to remain true to my beliefs and not join the rest of the world in their vitriolic snark, which was so easy for them to do in this case.

            Interviewer: So easy.

            Veracity: Yes.

            Interviewer: Because it was pretty bad.

            Veracity: So bad – and yet –

            Interviewer: Here it comes!

            Veracity: (Laughs with him and the audience) And yet – there was something about it that was still… watchable.  I felt as if everyone involved with its mistaken creation was trying to tell me something, which I just couldn’t figure out, through my own failings –

            Interviewer: It was everyone else’s failings, too.

            Veracity: – that I just could not hate it.  I couldn’t like it either, so it left me… “Eh.”

            Interviewer: One of the most… apt, descriptions, I have ever heard.

            Veracity: (Looks inwardly) Thank you; that means a lot to me.

         Interviewer: Before we go, I must ask: how did you embark on this path of honest film reviewing?

            Veracity: Well… there is no school that will teach you this.  I mean, you can learn all there is to know about effective mise-en-scène, or failed sound mixing, or when Method Acting is working and when it is the worst, or improper use of Dutch angles, or understanding the dramatic irony of a scene even when the screenwriter seemed to have missed it, but, what I do, is take all of that, and use it to uncover the heart of what the film truly is.

            Interviewer: (Nods intensely) Yes.

            Veracity: I am proud to serve my country, in informing them of what they are actually getting into when they embark upon their very personal journey into the world of a film; I’ve dedicated thousands of hours to this, and soon will be completing a tour of 24 straight when all the parts of the new Medieval Future World series are released simultaneously next month....

            Interviewer: No – I heard that absolutely no one wants to see that!  Even the trailers look… (Catches himself) poorly produced.

            Veracity: (Nods) I agree; however, the music was composed by ----- ---------, so I expect that at least to be non-grating.

            Interviewer: Thank you again for speaking with us today – and, as always, thank you for your honesty.

            Veracity: Happy to tell it like it is.